Erectile Dysfunction and Emotions
October 7, 2011 1:08 PM Subscribe
Erectile Dysfunction and my boyfriend's brain. Can you help me understand what is going on and give me some tips on how to be more patient/compassionate?
I've read a few of the previous questions on ED, and have talked a little bit with my boyfriend about this issue but am still unclear on a few things and hopeful you mefites with similar experience (male and female) can shed some light for me on what may be going on.
I'm in a new relationship with a wonderful man who I care deeply for and who I believe cares deeply for me too. Its about 2.5 months into the relationship - at the beginning we were able to have sex and I felt really satisfied. It was PIV sex, we haven't really gone the oral route, he did once but i kind of shyed away from it early on because i was a little self conscious at first, but I have provided oral stimulation for him. Anyway, lately, and its about 2.5 months in, he's not been able to get an erection and we have not been able to have PIV sex. I've noticed we've gotten a little more serious relationship wise, like we've learned more about eachother, have discovered various ways we're compatible, by doing a lot of activiites we both enjoy with eachother that sort of highlighted our compatibility on various levels and i think its almost made him scared. Like, holy shit we're compatible on a bunch of levels...this could get serious, and i am scared to blow it... so i think this growing closer has scared him to the point where he can't perform.
When it happened last weekend, he said that occasionally he cannot get an erection and that it requires a lot of stimulation to get hard but he would not tell me what or how to do it. I tried oral, did not seem to work. I didn't ask him to go down on me, I mean who really wants to have to ask for that? And we both went to sleep feeling frustrated and upset and things have not gotten any better between us since. It seems every time we spend the night together we now avoid sex. He doesn't initiate with me and I end up feeling upset and frustrated. It does make me question whether he's attracted to me, but he does so many wonderful things for me and shows affection and love in so many ways that its hard for me to believe it is that (plus he tells me he is attracted to me, and had had sex many times in the beginning). I think what has changed is the "oh shit this may get serious" factor. or the, "Oh shit I think I'm really into her as opposed to just a little" factor. After we ran a half marathon together this past weekend, he said no other girlfriend has ever had was able to do that with him and it seemed to mean a lot to him. Could I be on to something? FWIW he's 43, never married, no kids, and I'm 35, same situation. Any guidance would be appreciated. And please advise on how to be patient with this, how to not push him so that it gets worse, and how long do you think it will take for him to return to a place of confidence and relaxation?
I've read a few of the previous questions on ED, and have talked a little bit with my boyfriend about this issue but am still unclear on a few things and hopeful you mefites with similar experience (male and female) can shed some light for me on what may be going on.
I'm in a new relationship with a wonderful man who I care deeply for and who I believe cares deeply for me too. Its about 2.5 months into the relationship - at the beginning we were able to have sex and I felt really satisfied. It was PIV sex, we haven't really gone the oral route, he did once but i kind of shyed away from it early on because i was a little self conscious at first, but I have provided oral stimulation for him. Anyway, lately, and its about 2.5 months in, he's not been able to get an erection and we have not been able to have PIV sex. I've noticed we've gotten a little more serious relationship wise, like we've learned more about eachother, have discovered various ways we're compatible, by doing a lot of activiites we both enjoy with eachother that sort of highlighted our compatibility on various levels and i think its almost made him scared. Like, holy shit we're compatible on a bunch of levels...this could get serious, and i am scared to blow it... so i think this growing closer has scared him to the point where he can't perform.
When it happened last weekend, he said that occasionally he cannot get an erection and that it requires a lot of stimulation to get hard but he would not tell me what or how to do it. I tried oral, did not seem to work. I didn't ask him to go down on me, I mean who really wants to have to ask for that? And we both went to sleep feeling frustrated and upset and things have not gotten any better between us since. It seems every time we spend the night together we now avoid sex. He doesn't initiate with me and I end up feeling upset and frustrated. It does make me question whether he's attracted to me, but he does so many wonderful things for me and shows affection and love in so many ways that its hard for me to believe it is that (plus he tells me he is attracted to me, and had had sex many times in the beginning). I think what has changed is the "oh shit this may get serious" factor. or the, "Oh shit I think I'm really into her as opposed to just a little" factor. After we ran a half marathon together this past weekend, he said no other girlfriend has ever had was able to do that with him and it seemed to mean a lot to him. Could I be on to something? FWIW he's 43, never married, no kids, and I'm 35, same situation. Any guidance would be appreciated. And please advise on how to be patient with this, how to not push him so that it gets worse, and how long do you think it will take for him to return to a place of confidence and relaxation?
he said that occasionally he cannot get an erection and that it requires a lot of stimulation to get hard but he would not tell me what or how to do it.
He has a problem with the relationship, and with how he feels about you.
That may be that he feels more for you than he is comfortable with. It may also be that he feels less for you than he thinks you feel for him.
Either way, he is not behaving in a mature, considerate way. At the age of 43, this is most definitely not a good sign.
I think you should communicate very openly and frankly with him. He is not a shy teenager, and neither are you. Sit him down and say "Okay, we have an issue here and I want us to solve it." He's 43. He's a grown man. He needs to start acting like one. Push the issue. If he can't handle it, he's not a good man for you.
posted by Decani at 1:25 PM on October 7, 2011 [3 favorites]
He has a problem with the relationship, and with how he feels about you.
That may be that he feels more for you than he is comfortable with. It may also be that he feels less for you than he thinks you feel for him.
Either way, he is not behaving in a mature, considerate way. At the age of 43, this is most definitely not a good sign.
I think you should communicate very openly and frankly with him. He is not a shy teenager, and neither are you. Sit him down and say "Okay, we have an issue here and I want us to solve it." He's 43. He's a grown man. He needs to start acting like one. Push the issue. If he can't handle it, he's not a good man for you.
posted by Decani at 1:25 PM on October 7, 2011 [3 favorites]
ED really can happen to any guy at any age. Especially middle aged men such as your boy friend. I'm sure he's psyching himself out a bit right now and that's making things worse. If you really like this guy, I think you can work through this. It might not be easy, but think about it if things were reversed. What if you couldn't get arroused when he wanted to have sex? And as a result you started rejecting him sexually. He'd be upset. But hopefully he wouldn't want to end the relationship. Right? Patience is key especially right now. I'd give him some space as far as sex is concerned, at least for the next few weeks. Don't put pressure on him. Let him initiate sex if he wants to. If a few weeks go by and still nothing, have a talk with him. Be loving, be caring, and be considerate. This is a very touchy subject for men. During your talk, it's ok to suggest seeing a doctor. There could be a medical reason he's having problems. And of course there are drugs out there that can help him. I know it's frustrating for you as well...but I'd say it's worth it to stick this out and see what happens.
posted by ljs30 at 1:29 PM on October 7, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by ljs30 at 1:29 PM on October 7, 2011 [2 favorites]
When it happened last weekend, he said that occasionally he cannot get an erection and that it requires a lot of stimulation to get hard but he would not tell me what or how to do it
I didn't ask him to go down on me, I mean who really wants to have to ask for that?
You guys need to have a really frank, open talk about your sex life and your relationship. It's a scary thing to do, but judging by the positive things you've said about it, I'm entirely hopeful that this talk will ameliorate a bunch of the fears and anxieties you both are experiencing.
It's been my experience that most fears (particularly sex-based fears) don't survive being brought out into the light, esp. with a sympathetic, caring partner.
posted by Angus Jung at 1:34 PM on October 7, 2011 [1 favorite]
I didn't ask him to go down on me, I mean who really wants to have to ask for that?
You guys need to have a really frank, open talk about your sex life and your relationship. It's a scary thing to do, but judging by the positive things you've said about it, I'm entirely hopeful that this talk will ameliorate a bunch of the fears and anxieties you both are experiencing.
It's been my experience that most fears (particularly sex-based fears) don't survive being brought out into the light, esp. with a sympathetic, caring partner.
posted by Angus Jung at 1:34 PM on October 7, 2011 [1 favorite]
It does make me question whether he's attracted to me, but he does so many wonderful things for me and shows affection and love in so many ways that its hard for me to believe it is that (plus he tells me he is attracted to me, and had had sex many times in the beginning). I think what has changed is the "oh shit this may get serious" factor. or the, "Oh shit I think I'm really into her as opposed to just a little" factor.
Well you can't really do much other than guess, and it doesn't sound like he has really explained his side of it very well. So it sounds like you just need to sit down, during a normal non-sexy time, and talk about it. Obviously that is going to be an awkward thing to talk about but it's better than stressing yourself out about whether he is attracted to you or whether he is afraid of being really into you or whatever. It could be that it has absolutely nothing to do with your boyfriend's mental state at all and he has a physical problem that he needs to see a doctor about. But in any case you can't just go on pretending the issue doesn't exist.
posted by burnmp3s at 1:45 PM on October 7, 2011
Well you can't really do much other than guess, and it doesn't sound like he has really explained his side of it very well. So it sounds like you just need to sit down, during a normal non-sexy time, and talk about it. Obviously that is going to be an awkward thing to talk about but it's better than stressing yourself out about whether he is attracted to you or whether he is afraid of being really into you or whatever. It could be that it has absolutely nothing to do with your boyfriend's mental state at all and he has a physical problem that he needs to see a doctor about. But in any case you can't just go on pretending the issue doesn't exist.
posted by burnmp3s at 1:45 PM on October 7, 2011
How attracted he is to you is only very marginally related to the fact that he can't get an erection. This is *really* not about you. I'm sorry if that seems blunt, but I want to make it clear.
What is possibly happening is that he's actually quite embarrassed about the fact that he can't get an erection, and that's making the situation worse for him. Think about it: you're in a sexual situation with someone and you want to have sex with them, but you couldn't last time and don't know that you'll be able to this time. How nervous would you be? Nerves are like a chainsaw in this instance; they chop down the wood.
Sit down with him, and communicate. Ask him what the problem is. Ask him how you can work it out between you. One of you has to make the first move towards sorting this problem out.
Also, consider that sex doesn't necessarily have to be penis in vagina. There are lots of things that you can do for, to or on each other that can be sexually satisfying that don't involve an erection. Maybe you could try some naked snuggling, or soaping one another up in the shower, or eating melted chocolate off one another. Or some other stuff that you both find erotic. Whichever thing you choose, make it clear that the end result is to have fun, not have sex. If it happens, great, and if it doesn't that's completely OK too.
It might be that you need or want full intercourse, and that's OK. Don't pressure your partner into providing you with something that they can't give you, though. In fact, if you take the pressure off, he might find it easier to get an erection. Both of you stewing, though, isn't going to get the problem solved.
As for how long it will be before he manages to get an erection again, well, there's not a simple, quick answer to that. There is a test that can be done to check whether the problem is mental or physical, that involves some thin tissue paper being wrapped round the penis before going to sleep. Nocturnal erections are quite common, and this rules out there being a physical cause to a large degree. He's best off seeing his doctor for more advice about that, though.
At the end of the day, this happens to guys sometimes. It's horrendously embarrassing for some men. It's natural to not want to talk about stuff like this. It's fine to suggest that he see a doctor. He might have some kind of health issue that needs looking at. He might just be stressed. He might be really into you, and stressed out in a good way about that. Whatever the cause, let him talk to you about it. Show him that you're not going to judge him or push him before he's ready (you're not, right?).
posted by Solomon at 1:51 PM on October 7, 2011 [6 favorites]
What is possibly happening is that he's actually quite embarrassed about the fact that he can't get an erection, and that's making the situation worse for him. Think about it: you're in a sexual situation with someone and you want to have sex with them, but you couldn't last time and don't know that you'll be able to this time. How nervous would you be? Nerves are like a chainsaw in this instance; they chop down the wood.
Sit down with him, and communicate. Ask him what the problem is. Ask him how you can work it out between you. One of you has to make the first move towards sorting this problem out.
Also, consider that sex doesn't necessarily have to be penis in vagina. There are lots of things that you can do for, to or on each other that can be sexually satisfying that don't involve an erection. Maybe you could try some naked snuggling, or soaping one another up in the shower, or eating melted chocolate off one another. Or some other stuff that you both find erotic. Whichever thing you choose, make it clear that the end result is to have fun, not have sex. If it happens, great, and if it doesn't that's completely OK too.
It might be that you need or want full intercourse, and that's OK. Don't pressure your partner into providing you with something that they can't give you, though. In fact, if you take the pressure off, he might find it easier to get an erection. Both of you stewing, though, isn't going to get the problem solved.
As for how long it will be before he manages to get an erection again, well, there's not a simple, quick answer to that. There is a test that can be done to check whether the problem is mental or physical, that involves some thin tissue paper being wrapped round the penis before going to sleep. Nocturnal erections are quite common, and this rules out there being a physical cause to a large degree. He's best off seeing his doctor for more advice about that, though.
At the end of the day, this happens to guys sometimes. It's horrendously embarrassing for some men. It's natural to not want to talk about stuff like this. It's fine to suggest that he see a doctor. He might have some kind of health issue that needs looking at. He might just be stressed. He might be really into you, and stressed out in a good way about that. Whatever the cause, let him talk to you about it. Show him that you're not going to judge him or push him before he's ready (you're not, right?).
posted by Solomon at 1:51 PM on October 7, 2011 [6 favorites]
All good relationship advice – communication is good – but the direct approach is to throw some penis pills into him and see if it works. In the modern age there's just no reason to let a relationship suffer for lack of wood! If the problem's psychological, a few drug-assisted erections may restore his confidence and once he's over the, uh, hump you can cut back or go natural.
posted by Now I'm Prune Tracy! at 2:22 PM on October 7, 2011
posted by Now I'm Prune Tracy! at 2:22 PM on October 7, 2011
How long has this been a problem? From your description it sounds like something that happened once, less than a week ago... possibly after running a half marathon?
There could be many reasons why he isn't initiating and the only way you're going to find out is to ask him. It could be something completely unrelated or its possible he's sensing your frustration and that's making him nervous (fwiw). If it really has been just the once, I think you're blowing this out proportion. A single incident doesn't indicate a problem with you, him or your relationship.
If last weekend was the last in a series of incidents then you do need to have a discussion about it but otherwise give him some space and "take care of business" yourself to keep frustration to a minimum
posted by missmagenta at 2:28 PM on October 7, 2011
There could be many reasons why he isn't initiating and the only way you're going to find out is to ask him. It could be something completely unrelated or its possible he's sensing your frustration and that's making him nervous (fwiw). If it really has been just the once, I think you're blowing this out proportion. A single incident doesn't indicate a problem with you, him or your relationship.
If last weekend was the last in a series of incidents then you do need to have a discussion about it but otherwise give him some space and "take care of business" yourself to keep frustration to a minimum
posted by missmagenta at 2:28 PM on October 7, 2011
I didn't ask him to go down on me, I mean who really wants to have to ask for that?
It doesn't have to be some gently phrased question as if you are in school. Saying something like "Taste me" or yelling "DRINK MY NECTAR, YOU FUCKING STUD" might help the mood of things.
There are a variety of phrases that would b appropriate to the situation. Feel free to experiment.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 2:49 PM on October 7, 2011 [3 favorites]
It doesn't have to be some gently phrased question as if you are in school. Saying something like "Taste me" or yelling "DRINK MY NECTAR, YOU FUCKING STUD" might help the mood of things.
There are a variety of phrases that would b appropriate to the situation. Feel free to experiment.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 2:49 PM on October 7, 2011 [3 favorites]
There's ED, and there's "I'm sorry this doesn't usually happen to me..." and this sounds like a case of the latter. Even (cough)young guys can get psyched out for all sorts of emotional or psychological reasons, as you suspect your partner may be.
One of the tricky problems about this sort of situation is that because its really embarrassing for him, 1) he doesn't want to talk about it, 2) if you bring it up he can feel self-conscious and thus less "in the mood", 3) even if you don't bring it up he's still going to feel a little emasculated by his flaccid member.
Consider that there are a number of women out there who have difficulty achieving orgasm, especially with a partner. In that situation, and likely in this one, the right thing to do is to stop worrying about an orgasm (or even an erection) as a goal and focus on what you are doing right at that moment.
The next time you have sex, go into it with your mind clear of any expectations. Both of you have entire bodies that you can fuck each other with; see what happens when you explore the other 95% of your bodies.
You're in no hurry.
posted by modernserf at 2:58 PM on October 7, 2011 [1 favorite]
One of the tricky problems about this sort of situation is that because its really embarrassing for him, 1) he doesn't want to talk about it, 2) if you bring it up he can feel self-conscious and thus less "in the mood", 3) even if you don't bring it up he's still going to feel a little emasculated by his flaccid member.
Consider that there are a number of women out there who have difficulty achieving orgasm, especially with a partner. In that situation, and likely in this one, the right thing to do is to stop worrying about an orgasm (or even an erection) as a goal and focus on what you are doing right at that moment.
The next time you have sex, go into it with your mind clear of any expectations. Both of you have entire bodies that you can fuck each other with; see what happens when you explore the other 95% of your bodies.
You're in no hurry.
posted by modernserf at 2:58 PM on October 7, 2011 [1 favorite]
He has a problem with the relationship, and with how he feels about you.
Or, he might be really into you but fears that he isn't adequate enough for you. That he isn't going to be able to please you. Performance anxiety can kill a boner in no time flat, especially if it's with someone you really care for.
posted by Thorzdad at 3:21 PM on October 7, 2011 [4 favorites]
Or, he might be really into you but fears that he isn't adequate enough for you. That he isn't going to be able to please you. Performance anxiety can kill a boner in no time flat, especially if it's with someone you really care for.
posted by Thorzdad at 3:21 PM on October 7, 2011 [4 favorites]
Look, the male sexual response is a LOT more complicated than popularly thought. We are eighteen, cum in three minutes, and then real life begins.
So many things can enter in to it that I will not even venture a guess. There is not substiute for free, open communication, AWAY from the bed.
Does he WANT this relationship to last and evolve? In other words, does he desire you? I've had midlife issues where I was in conflict and it brought about the problems you describe.
If he is like me, midlife is a transition period between "at attention" with anyone female and "this really means something to me."
While I love giving and receiving oral sex, I suggest that you guys may be way premature in all that. I've never been with two women who were alike. Took me way too long to realize that.
We guys are no different, believe it or not. Especially when the brain above our navel begins to function.
My suggestion as a male who has experienced the issue for many reasons (I'm 63)?
Rule out one thing at a time. Cuddle. Touch. Stroke. Kiss. No expectations. That is love. Cumming is dessert.
If it were me, and the problem was between my ears? Tell me that you want an orgasm (not in clincial terms). I will touch, go down, and hopefully you will teach me "what your like." I'd have no hesitation in going down on you. If I made you convulse, it would make me very happy indeed.
Then ask him what he would like. I'd bet my house that he would like to be touched and played with. If an erection happens? Terrific. If not, gently ask him if he would like to continue to be touched. BTW, a male can orgasm, by your hand, without an erection.
If it doesn't happen? So what? Tell him that you really enjoy touching him. I'd feel great about that if I felt really great about you.
The male orgasm is so obvious, that it can be a source of fear for us. Once we "fail," it becomes something floating around in our head. I find that if I am focused on IT, I become less present in the moment.
Again, it is COMPLEX for some. Since the age of 40, the best sex has been free of performance issues. I have had many times had to accept that I did not please my partner. In the female, that seems to be common and accepted. A male? Less so. Accept that he may be more like a woman than you think. Complex. Equal is cool, anyhow.
Just enjoy each other. If he is into your physical attention, things will work out. I am unashamed by Viagra, but it sure helps. No substitue for attraction, however. Which is why I do not engage in "casual sex" any more (I'm not married). If I do not take "dates" to bed. Only those I fantasize about, those who I am undressing (in my mind) at dinner out. If I simply "like her," I'll enjoy her companionship, but not proceed from there. Nothing wrong with that. Good for her (she's not an object), and good for me.
Isn't grown up life fun? Actually, I find it far better than being 25. When it is good, it is fabulous! The "kids" have no idea...
Peace to you...
posted by private_idaho at 1:56 AM on October 8, 2011 [4 favorites]
So many things can enter in to it that I will not even venture a guess. There is not substiute for free, open communication, AWAY from the bed.
Does he WANT this relationship to last and evolve? In other words, does he desire you? I've had midlife issues where I was in conflict and it brought about the problems you describe.
If he is like me, midlife is a transition period between "at attention" with anyone female and "this really means something to me."
While I love giving and receiving oral sex, I suggest that you guys may be way premature in all that. I've never been with two women who were alike. Took me way too long to realize that.
We guys are no different, believe it or not. Especially when the brain above our navel begins to function.
My suggestion as a male who has experienced the issue for many reasons (I'm 63)?
Rule out one thing at a time. Cuddle. Touch. Stroke. Kiss. No expectations. That is love. Cumming is dessert.
If it were me, and the problem was between my ears? Tell me that you want an orgasm (not in clincial terms). I will touch, go down, and hopefully you will teach me "what your like." I'd have no hesitation in going down on you. If I made you convulse, it would make me very happy indeed.
Then ask him what he would like. I'd bet my house that he would like to be touched and played with. If an erection happens? Terrific. If not, gently ask him if he would like to continue to be touched. BTW, a male can orgasm, by your hand, without an erection.
If it doesn't happen? So what? Tell him that you really enjoy touching him. I'd feel great about that if I felt really great about you.
The male orgasm is so obvious, that it can be a source of fear for us. Once we "fail," it becomes something floating around in our head. I find that if I am focused on IT, I become less present in the moment.
Again, it is COMPLEX for some. Since the age of 40, the best sex has been free of performance issues. I have had many times had to accept that I did not please my partner. In the female, that seems to be common and accepted. A male? Less so. Accept that he may be more like a woman than you think. Complex. Equal is cool, anyhow.
Just enjoy each other. If he is into your physical attention, things will work out. I am unashamed by Viagra, but it sure helps. No substitue for attraction, however. Which is why I do not engage in "casual sex" any more (I'm not married). If I do not take "dates" to bed. Only those I fantasize about, those who I am undressing (in my mind) at dinner out. If I simply "like her," I'll enjoy her companionship, but not proceed from there. Nothing wrong with that. Good for her (she's not an object), and good for me.
Isn't grown up life fun? Actually, I find it far better than being 25. When it is good, it is fabulous! The "kids" have no idea...
Peace to you...
posted by private_idaho at 1:56 AM on October 8, 2011 [4 favorites]
at 43, he should have no problems getting a prescription for ED medication unless he has pretty serious health issues otherwise. ED is often a sign of other issues. Unless there's other issues he isn't sharing with you, getting to a doc to get checked out would be top on my list. If he's unwilling to do this, I think you have your answer.
posted by screamingnotlaughing at 9:10 AM on October 10, 2011
posted by screamingnotlaughing at 9:10 AM on October 10, 2011
Try viagra (if it works, treat yourselves to a trip to India and pay for it with a couple of years worth of excellent and extremely cheap cialis/viagra). If viagra does not work that probably means he does not have desire (which is different to ED), give it a month or so more if you want to, and if still no penetration then without sex, it's not a relationship, it's a friendship. If you're happy with that, fine. If you want a lover, then get out as quickly and kindly as you can and find a lover you can love.
posted by nickji at 10:13 PM on October 11, 2011
posted by nickji at 10:13 PM on October 11, 2011
This thread is closed to new comments.
Then ask him what to do.
I didn't ask him to go down on me, I mean who really wants to have to ask for that?
You know who wants to have to ask for that, is someone who wants an orgasm and isn't getting it any other way.
He doesn't initiate with me and I end up feeling upset and frustrated.
Then initiate it with HIM.
You say you're both getting serious about each other, but the fact that you're not TALKING about these basic things is a big, BIG red flag for me. Neither you nor he is a mind reader, but you're both treating each other like you can read each other's minds.
He can't read your mind -- tell him when you want him to go down on you. You can't read his mind - tell him to tell you just what it is this "lot of stimulation" has to be.
And if he can't or won't tell you, then that's the problem right there -- the fact that he can't frickin' communicate with you. And that's a bigger problem than the sex.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 1:19 PM on October 7, 2011 [8 favorites]