Does this ever happen?
October 4, 2011 12:41 PM Subscribe
Curious about guy's experiences: Have you ever met a girl you had no interest in dating at first... but then later on you started wanting to date her? What happened?
Just wondering if this ever happens, not counting situations where the girl improved her appearance a lot. Did you find out she was really funny, or you had a lot in common? Or she was a fantastic cook, or took care of you when you were sick, or were going through a bad time, or anything like that. Or you weren't interested in anyone when you met her but got your spark back later and saw her in a new light?
I'm mainly talking about times where you actually wanted to date the girl and genuinely liked her, not just have sex, or just using her in some way or anything like that.
Just wondering if this ever happens, not counting situations where the girl improved her appearance a lot. Did you find out she was really funny, or you had a lot in common? Or she was a fantastic cook, or took care of you when you were sick, or were going through a bad time, or anything like that. Or you weren't interested in anyone when you met her but got your spark back later and saw her in a new light?
I'm mainly talking about times where you actually wanted to date the girl and genuinely liked her, not just have sex, or just using her in some way or anything like that.
Reader, I married her!
No, really. This is how I met my wife. We began with a thoroughly platonic relationship, with no thought on my part of ever getting beyond that. Over a few years, the friendship deepened into a relationship of mutual respect and attraction. She was loyal, kind, supportive, funny and fun. It really was a case of our love developing through our friendship.
So, yes, it can happen!
posted by cheapskatebay at 12:59 PM on October 4, 2011 [2 favorites]
No, really. This is how I met my wife. We began with a thoroughly platonic relationship, with no thought on my part of ever getting beyond that. Over a few years, the friendship deepened into a relationship of mutual respect and attraction. She was loyal, kind, supportive, funny and fun. It really was a case of our love developing through our friendship.
So, yes, it can happen!
posted by cheapskatebay at 12:59 PM on October 4, 2011 [2 favorites]
I started writing this like you might be a guy who had somehow never encountered your interest in a girl developing slowly over time, in fits and starts, which of course yes does happen all the time.
But now I think that you might be a girl who is wondering if this guy you have a crush on might eventually come around if he sees your talented, tender, or particularly empathetic side, if you just find a way to *show* him how awesome you are.
To which the answer is, yes, people's interests can shift and flare on a dime when they realize there's a dimension to you they didn't know about before which they find attractive. They may see a flash of confidence that is sexy; quirk that is endearing; sweetness that is charming.
But... just in case you are a strong awesome girl (or guy who is into boys), there are other ways to show attractive sides of yourself besides being super maternal and ladling delicious food and bringing tissues and being a shoulder to cry on. I wouldn't mother someone into wanting to be with me.
"Funny" and "a lot in common" though - yes all systems go!
posted by sestaaak at 1:05 PM on October 4, 2011 [7 favorites]
But now I think that you might be a girl who is wondering if this guy you have a crush on might eventually come around if he sees your talented, tender, or particularly empathetic side, if you just find a way to *show* him how awesome you are.
To which the answer is, yes, people's interests can shift and flare on a dime when they realize there's a dimension to you they didn't know about before which they find attractive. They may see a flash of confidence that is sexy; quirk that is endearing; sweetness that is charming.
But... just in case you are a strong awesome girl (or guy who is into boys), there are other ways to show attractive sides of yourself besides being super maternal and ladling delicious food and bringing tissues and being a shoulder to cry on. I wouldn't mother someone into wanting to be with me.
"Funny" and "a lot in common" though - yes all systems go!
posted by sestaaak at 1:05 PM on October 4, 2011 [7 favorites]
I'm a girl too (sorry), but this happened with me and my current boyfriend. We were completely platonic friends for years, I considered him attractive in general but wasn't particularly attracted to him and never, ever considered dating him. Then one night we were hanging out together, just a couple of buds killing time and feeling lonely, and we were kind of drunk and bored so I was like, "Hey, kiss me," and this incredible sexual chemistry just suddenly revealed itself, so we fell in love.
I also have a male friend who knew a girl was interested in him but didn't return her feelings, then one night had a sexual dream about her, and after that he was intensely attracted to her. So yes, I think this happens for sure.
posted by milk white peacock at 1:12 PM on October 4, 2011 [1 favorite]
I also have a male friend who knew a girl was interested in him but didn't return her feelings, then one night had a sexual dream about her, and after that he was intensely attracted to her. So yes, I think this happens for sure.
posted by milk white peacock at 1:12 PM on October 4, 2011 [1 favorite]
Yes, it definitely happens. The bad news is that it is really, really hard to predict that kind of thing - you're dealing with not only a situation but with a person's whole life experience. It's really tough to say what sparks an attraction, or sustains one for that matter. Sometimes someone looks perfect on paper but just doesn't mesh up with someone else, for whatever reason. And the opposite happens - people fall for people you'd never expect.
One thing that comes up a lot though is confidence - confidence to just be who you are and go from there.
posted by mrs. taters at 1:17 PM on October 4, 2011 [2 favorites]
One thing that comes up a lot though is confidence - confidence to just be who you are and go from there.
posted by mrs. taters at 1:17 PM on October 4, 2011 [2 favorites]
There was a girl I knew in high school with whom I was friendly but not interested in. Then we were assigned a month-long project together and spent a ton of time in the library talking and working, and I got to know her better, got to see her intelligence and sense of humor, stuff like that. I started finding her much more physically attractive, even though she hadn't changed anything. So, yes, this happens.
posted by Errant at 1:32 PM on October 4, 2011
posted by Errant at 1:32 PM on October 4, 2011
Have you ever met a girl you had no interest in dating at first... but then later on you started wanting to date her? What happened?
Yep.
The story: I met her in an outdoor leadership training program. I was a student, she was an instructor. We hit it off there and on another trip we met up on a month or so later. She had a good sense of humor but I didn't find myself all that attracted to her. Age-wise we were almost ten years apart and I had an on-again-off-again girlfriend so we both sort of decided to ourselves that it wouldn't work. A few months later we were both involved in separate auto accidents with moose. She called me to talk about the events, we talked for a couple hours, met up on a trip a month later and ended up going on a date or two. At first I was hesitant for a couple of reasons (the age difference being one of them) but I was happy to be going out with someone new.
What changed? I guess I decided what was really important. Here was someone I got along with, laughed with and could talk to for hours and hours. She had no obvious signs of craziness. No real drama. No red flags. So what if we were ten years apart? So what if she liked classical music and I liked rock? She was awesome in all the ways that mattered. The things that kept me away were things that I decided didn't matter one bit.
Oct. 4th, 1997 our wedding cake was topped with bride and groom moose. In about an hour I am meeting her in the North End to celebrate our fourteenth anniversary. Then we'll go home to our house and our son and the awesome life we have together.
Priorities, man. Get 'em straight. The stuff you think matters often doesn't.
posted by bondcliff at 1:48 PM on October 4, 2011 [5 favorites]
Yep.
The story: I met her in an outdoor leadership training program. I was a student, she was an instructor. We hit it off there and on another trip we met up on a month or so later. She had a good sense of humor but I didn't find myself all that attracted to her. Age-wise we were almost ten years apart and I had an on-again-off-again girlfriend so we both sort of decided to ourselves that it wouldn't work. A few months later we were both involved in separate auto accidents with moose. She called me to talk about the events, we talked for a couple hours, met up on a trip a month later and ended up going on a date or two. At first I was hesitant for a couple of reasons (the age difference being one of them) but I was happy to be going out with someone new.
What changed? I guess I decided what was really important. Here was someone I got along with, laughed with and could talk to for hours and hours. She had no obvious signs of craziness. No real drama. No red flags. So what if we were ten years apart? So what if she liked classical music and I liked rock? She was awesome in all the ways that mattered. The things that kept me away were things that I decided didn't matter one bit.
Oct. 4th, 1997 our wedding cake was topped with bride and groom moose. In about an hour I am meeting her in the North End to celebrate our fourteenth anniversary. Then we'll go home to our house and our son and the awesome life we have together.
Priorities, man. Get 'em straight. The stuff you think matters often doesn't.
posted by bondcliff at 1:48 PM on October 4, 2011 [5 favorites]
Yep, married her. I was actually interested in chasing some other girls, but we were living together in kind of a massive roommate situation and one thing lead to another just from hanging out so much and, well, we've been together something like ten years.
posted by Ghostride The Whip at 1:53 PM on October 4, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by Ghostride The Whip at 1:53 PM on October 4, 2011 [1 favorite]
I met a girl who I thought I could have dated, but didn't really pursue for a couple of reasons. It seems impractical, I was going to move 100 miles away fairly soon. I had recently gotten over an older relationship and was finally comfortable being single. She didn't seem like she was particularly interested.
It was never anything like "oh, I'd never date that person" and more of "oh, maybe if things were different, but it's ok."
About 6 or 8 months later we started dating. We are now married and have a daughter.
posted by tylerkaraszewski at 2:03 PM on October 4, 2011
It was never anything like "oh, I'd never date that person" and more of "oh, maybe if things were different, but it's ok."
About 6 or 8 months later we started dating. We are now married and have a daughter.
posted by tylerkaraszewski at 2:03 PM on October 4, 2011
Another female response, but I've been on both sides of this one.
A very dear and close friend for oh, well over a decade... He and I had flirted in a friendly banter sort of way that had nothing to do with being interested in or attracted to each other. It was just that we both enjoyed the banter. One day out of nowhere he came up behind me at a friend's house and wrapped his arms around my waist and hugged me tight whispering in my ear that he and his girlfriend had broken up. The moment wasn't meant to be intimate, but something clicked and it was. In fact, we both pulled away and didn't really talk for a while after that, because it had made us both uncomfortable.
Well, the girl led him along on a string for several months letting him take her out on dates and saying that she might consider getting back together. Meanwhile I was involved with his best friend, who was also close friends with the girl. I knew they were spending a lot of time together and I got a little jealous but he (the one I was seeing) insisted he viewed her only as a sister.
One day the close friend was on his brother in law's computer fixing something when an im popped up from his ex, talking about how this other guy (the best friend who I was seeing) had kissed her and it had been so exciting/etc. Basically she thought she was telling a friend (the guy's brother in law) about how a kiss turned into a steamy sexy session. He waited until she was finished, thanked her for the story, told her who she was talking to, and informed her that he was no longer friends with either of them.
He and his brother in law got into an argument that almost ended their friendship because brother in law had known something was going on but not told him. Brother in law showed chat logs where the girl was coming to him for advice about the fact that she liked both men and couldn't choose between them, and showed that the message about the kiss/steamy session was the first time she'd told him that anything actually happened...
Later that afternoon I got a call from the close friend saying we needed to talk, he had to tell me something that was going to make me unhappy. He wanted to come over and tell me himself so that I wouldn't find out in a more hurtful way. After that we started spending a lot of time together. Initially it was us bonding over the fact that we'd both been thrown over by these people. Then we started spending time together cause we both liked going out to movies and had similar tastes in which new films looked interesting. Then dinners, then the rest just sort of developed from there.
No happily ever after here, though... it went on for a couple of years with him constantly telling me it wasn't a relationship even though we were pretty much inseparable... I held onto hope for a long time, but he waited until I had given up to turn around and suddenly decide that his being jealous of me starting to spend time with other people meant he had romantic feelings and we should be in a relationship after all. It being the most unromantic approach I've ever encountered, I got angry and said no... hoping he'd realize the mistake and ask again in some other way but he didn't.
I eventually ended up dating someone else, it went badly, I moved out of state. I've gone home to visit a few times and he always wants to see me when I'm in town. At one point I told him that I still loved him and if he wanted me to move back, to give it a chance, I'd start packing the instant he said the word... but he's never said he wanted me to come home.
posted by myShanon at 2:07 PM on October 4, 2011
A very dear and close friend for oh, well over a decade... He and I had flirted in a friendly banter sort of way that had nothing to do with being interested in or attracted to each other. It was just that we both enjoyed the banter. One day out of nowhere he came up behind me at a friend's house and wrapped his arms around my waist and hugged me tight whispering in my ear that he and his girlfriend had broken up. The moment wasn't meant to be intimate, but something clicked and it was. In fact, we both pulled away and didn't really talk for a while after that, because it had made us both uncomfortable.
Well, the girl led him along on a string for several months letting him take her out on dates and saying that she might consider getting back together. Meanwhile I was involved with his best friend, who was also close friends with the girl. I knew they were spending a lot of time together and I got a little jealous but he (the one I was seeing) insisted he viewed her only as a sister.
One day the close friend was on his brother in law's computer fixing something when an im popped up from his ex, talking about how this other guy (the best friend who I was seeing) had kissed her and it had been so exciting/etc. Basically she thought she was telling a friend (the guy's brother in law) about how a kiss turned into a steamy sexy session. He waited until she was finished, thanked her for the story, told her who she was talking to, and informed her that he was no longer friends with either of them.
He and his brother in law got into an argument that almost ended their friendship because brother in law had known something was going on but not told him. Brother in law showed chat logs where the girl was coming to him for advice about the fact that she liked both men and couldn't choose between them, and showed that the message about the kiss/steamy session was the first time she'd told him that anything actually happened...
Later that afternoon I got a call from the close friend saying we needed to talk, he had to tell me something that was going to make me unhappy. He wanted to come over and tell me himself so that I wouldn't find out in a more hurtful way. After that we started spending a lot of time together. Initially it was us bonding over the fact that we'd both been thrown over by these people. Then we started spending time together cause we both liked going out to movies and had similar tastes in which new films looked interesting. Then dinners, then the rest just sort of developed from there.
No happily ever after here, though... it went on for a couple of years with him constantly telling me it wasn't a relationship even though we were pretty much inseparable... I held onto hope for a long time, but he waited until I had given up to turn around and suddenly decide that his being jealous of me starting to spend time with other people meant he had romantic feelings and we should be in a relationship after all. It being the most unromantic approach I've ever encountered, I got angry and said no... hoping he'd realize the mistake and ask again in some other way but he didn't.
I eventually ended up dating someone else, it went badly, I moved out of state. I've gone home to visit a few times and he always wants to see me when I'm in town. At one point I told him that I still loved him and if he wanted me to move back, to give it a chance, I'd start packing the instant he said the word... but he's never said he wanted me to come home.
posted by myShanon at 2:07 PM on October 4, 2011
It sometimes even happens without her having to "improve her appearance a lot."
I think this happens to a lot of people when one or both of them just aren't in the right circumstances when they first meet. That happens with friendships, too - people who are only remotely acquainted might one day find they have something in common or just get a chance to know each other better. If Person A is seriously occupied with another relationship, or a family crisis, or school or work or whatever, they might not really pay any particular attention to Person B until they have more bandwidth to notice them.
But it also happens sometimes when someone becomes more "valuable" - money, power, fame, attractiveness. Or when someone is prone to wanting things more when someone else wants or has them. That's the dark side and tends to end poorly.
posted by Lyn Never at 2:18 PM on October 4, 2011 [2 favorites]
I think this happens to a lot of people when one or both of them just aren't in the right circumstances when they first meet. That happens with friendships, too - people who are only remotely acquainted might one day find they have something in common or just get a chance to know each other better. If Person A is seriously occupied with another relationship, or a family crisis, or school or work or whatever, they might not really pay any particular attention to Person B until they have more bandwidth to notice them.
But it also happens sometimes when someone becomes more "valuable" - money, power, fame, attractiveness. Or when someone is prone to wanting things more when someone else wants or has them. That's the dark side and tends to end poorly.
posted by Lyn Never at 2:18 PM on October 4, 2011 [2 favorites]
It definitely happens, but beware. If you're a woman looking to hook in a guy who isn't initially attracted to you, you are running a real risk of seducing the guy into a temporary sexual fling, after which he will split. I think initial physical/sexual attraction is a very important indicator for young men particularly. (Of course, there is also the possibility that he is actually attracted but afraid to approach you).
I think this is a little different between men and women -- not totally different, but women are a little more likely to end up genuinely and deeply attracted to someone they did not find attractive at first.
posted by zipadee at 2:40 PM on October 4, 2011 [3 favorites]
I think this is a little different between men and women -- not totally different, but women are a little more likely to end up genuinely and deeply attracted to someone they did not find attractive at first.
posted by zipadee at 2:40 PM on October 4, 2011 [3 favorites]
When I first met my now-girlfriend, I was 18 and she was 23. I knew pretty much how old she was, she thought I was at least 20-21. We hit it off pretty well as friends, but since she was 5 years older than me I pretty much put it out of my mind that she'd date me and just had fun being friends. There were a few other girls sorta in the running at that point (I don't mean to make myself sound like some sort of Don Juan, but apparently my looks were starting to get less awkward than the rest of me.) This probably made me more attractive to her, a fact that went right over my head (cause why would a 23-y-o want to date me)
Then summer happened and I went home from college and nothing ended up panning out with any other girls and it was lonely times indeed.
We hung out a little when school started up again, and I stopped worrying so much about age (alcohol might have helped, but only a little) and just about how awesome, attractive, and funny this girl was. We'll have been together 4 years tomorrow.
posted by JauntyFedora at 2:42 PM on October 4, 2011
Then summer happened and I went home from college and nothing ended up panning out with any other girls and it was lonely times indeed.
We hung out a little when school started up again, and I stopped worrying so much about age (alcohol might have helped, but only a little) and just about how awesome, attractive, and funny this girl was. We'll have been together 4 years tomorrow.
posted by JauntyFedora at 2:42 PM on October 4, 2011
I met someone a few years back at work. I was immediately attracted to him. He was immediately ignoring me. My heart would race whenever I would see him and he would say hi and go on with what he was doing.
He disappeared from the work place for a while (making me quite sad) and earlier this year, reappeared! I have to tell you, my heart pounded in my chest with excitement. Still ignored me though.
One day, he decided to say more than hi. We had lunch a few times after and now, we fight about who loves who more. I swear I love him WAY more, but he swears he loves me WAY more. I know, it is sickening since we are full grown adults, but he is totally worth the wait.
posted by Yellow at 5:27 PM on October 4, 2011
He disappeared from the work place for a while (making me quite sad) and earlier this year, reappeared! I have to tell you, my heart pounded in my chest with excitement. Still ignored me though.
One day, he decided to say more than hi. We had lunch a few times after and now, we fight about who loves who more. I swear I love him WAY more, but he swears he loves me WAY more. I know, it is sickening since we are full grown adults, but he is totally worth the wait.
posted by Yellow at 5:27 PM on October 4, 2011
The first day my now-husband walked into my office, I developed an instant crush. He, on the other-hand, thought my office-mate was hot. I think it took a few months for him to notice me; meanwhile my friends referred to him as my boyfriend from day one. Heh. I can't say what it was specifically that eventually ensnared him, but I've come to realize I'm the kind of person that gradually grows on people. I've been told I'm charismatic, but it definitely isn't something that people instantly notice about me. I'm not shy, but possibly my humor and quirks take a little while to come out. Anyway, it doesn't bother me that my husband didn't have that instant spark for me; I like to tease him about my old office-mate, actually. Maybe sometimes a slow burn is more enduring.
posted by JenMarie at 6:37 PM on October 4, 2011
posted by JenMarie at 6:37 PM on October 4, 2011
I met a girl in my Sunday school group at church. I didn't think much of her at first, beyond "She seems like a nice person" and "She's fairly cute too."
After several weeks of large group interactions in class, after church lunches, and weekly social events, I started to realize that I really really liked this girl.
Shortly thereafter, I worked up the nerve to ask her on a date, and it took me a few dates to work up the nerve to kiss her.
Unfortunately, the relationship didn't last terribly long, only a couple of months, for a few reasons, some of which I'd rather not delve into in a non-anonymous post. We're still very close friends though.
To answer your question of what happened, to create the attraction? I realized that she was (& stil is) a nice, caring, sweet, reassuring (& gorgeous) woman. I'd had a lengthy string of women who didn't care, & were apathetic. She wasn't. She made me feel special in a way that hadn't happened in a few years. She showed genuine affection, which I (and, I imagine, most people) find highly addictive & intoxicating.
I hope this helps...
posted by AMSBoethius at 10:15 PM on October 4, 2011
After several weeks of large group interactions in class, after church lunches, and weekly social events, I started to realize that I really really liked this girl.
Shortly thereafter, I worked up the nerve to ask her on a date, and it took me a few dates to work up the nerve to kiss her.
Unfortunately, the relationship didn't last terribly long, only a couple of months, for a few reasons, some of which I'd rather not delve into in a non-anonymous post. We're still very close friends though.
To answer your question of what happened, to create the attraction? I realized that she was (& stil is) a nice, caring, sweet, reassuring (& gorgeous) woman. I'd had a lengthy string of women who didn't care, & were apathetic. She wasn't. She made me feel special in a way that hadn't happened in a few years. She showed genuine affection, which I (and, I imagine, most people) find highly addictive & intoxicating.
I hope this helps...
posted by AMSBoethius at 10:15 PM on October 4, 2011
I think what switches it is showing interest. I don't know how, but I've definitely had friends, who just looking at me from beneath their eyes and standing too close made me suddenly see them as something more.
Not sure if it helps, but I think of this song when I think of my secret crush friend - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I0X1VPkSCc4
posted by OrangeDrink at 12:31 AM on October 5, 2011
Not sure if it helps, but I think of this song when I think of my secret crush friend - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I0X1VPkSCc4
posted by OrangeDrink at 12:31 AM on October 5, 2011
Yeah, this happens all the time. I've even heard it referred to humorously as The Mermaid Effect. Attraction isn't a zero-or-one black-or-white thing. Sometimes you won't be attracted to someone physically, but after you spend time around them, you start to notice their more-flattering qualities. You may even start thinking of them as physically attractive!
Maybe this is less common among women? I've noticed that many women come to a pretty quick decision about whether or not a guy is "date material" vs "friend material", whereas men often have more of an ... um ... relative scale?
posted by Afroblanco at 11:26 AM on October 5, 2011
Maybe this is less common among women? I've noticed that many women come to a pretty quick decision about whether or not a guy is "date material" vs "friend material", whereas men often have more of an ... um ... relative scale?
posted by Afroblanco at 11:26 AM on October 5, 2011
I had this happen with a girl I ended up dating for three and a half years. It can happen, and it is kind of weird when all of the sudden there is sexual tension where there wasn't any before. (A week before we got together, I was encouraging her to stay with her boyfriend, who I thought was a good guy. A bit of guilt over that one. I ended up calling and getting advice from the guy an ex had dumped me for.) We were spending a lot of time together, but we had been doing that for over six months before.
However, a word of warning- I've had this happen to me and to female friends where one or the other of us wasn't interested. It can put strain on a friendship, although almost all my friendships managed to weather it. But it can be hard when all of the sudden the good friend who was your hiking buddy (for example) is all of the sudden the one person who you really want to date. And has a current relationship, or isn't interested.
And do not be that guy (this seems to be much more common with guys) who becomes friends with a woman with the intention of turning the friendship into a relationship. These things can happen naturally, but forced, they are a recipe for disaster.
Yeah, wandering off topic there, but I've been in all of the above situations (I was that guy for a short while in high school. I don't like the high school me all that much at times.)
posted by Hactar at 1:00 PM on October 5, 2011
However, a word of warning- I've had this happen to me and to female friends where one or the other of us wasn't interested. It can put strain on a friendship, although almost all my friendships managed to weather it. But it can be hard when all of the sudden the good friend who was your hiking buddy (for example) is all of the sudden the one person who you really want to date. And has a current relationship, or isn't interested.
And do not be that guy (this seems to be much more common with guys) who becomes friends with a woman with the intention of turning the friendship into a relationship. These things can happen naturally, but forced, they are a recipe for disaster.
Yeah, wandering off topic there, but I've been in all of the above situations (I was that guy for a short while in high school. I don't like the high school me all that much at times.)
posted by Hactar at 1:00 PM on October 5, 2011
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by dpx.mfx at 12:56 PM on October 4, 2011