Gossip or not Gossip?

September 25, 2011 11:00 AM

Torn by conscience, did I talk too much?

I had a crush on one of my friends. I confessed my feelings and we seem have moved on.

However, before and after my confession, I have told a group of my close friends in details about my friend/crush, my feelings, my thoughts, and even parts of their love lives as they were interlocked with my own story. And I am so torn and I feel that I've betrayed my friend's trust. Also, I think it's extremely unfair since I asked my friend to keep whatever happened between us while I had to vent/rant to my own friends (and some of those my other friends do talk).

What could I do? Should I own up and tell my friend that I might have slipped some info about their private life and promise not to do this again in the future because I cherish their friendship and would hate to lose them in my life?

posted by easilyconfused to Human Relations (8 answers total)

Go and sin no more. There are very few situations in life that are made better by MORE talking. Don't share with the class, and don't tell the crushee that you got chatty, because that just makes you look more needy and sort of attention-seeking. Your friend will get over it. And if your other pals try to pump you for more information, just look mysterious and change the subject.
posted by Ideefixe at 11:04 AM on September 25, 2011 [5 favorites]

So, you had a crush on one friend and talked about it with other friends? Just shut up and move on.

I don't think this is that big of a deal. More talking about it can only serve to make it a bigger deal, which is precisely what you don't want here. Just be friends with these people.
posted by J. Wilson at 11:09 AM on September 25, 2011 [2 favorites]

Everyone talks to their friends about crushes. That's what friends are for, among other things. Unless you were sworn to secrecy by Friend 1 and told Friends 2-5 anyway, or unless you revealed something about Friend 1 that anyone with common sense would keep secret (deeply personal sexual things, sexual abuse, etc), I think you're off the hook. Don't bring this up with Friend 1 - the sooner you let go of everything associated with the crush, the faster it will fade into the past.

Also, I think most people - including me, and especially when young - make much too big a deal about having crushes on people. It's not some kind of horrible almost aggressive act that you need to be ashamed of; unless you stalk someone or can't accept a polite turn-down, it's perfectly ordinary. The happiest folks I know treat crushes a bit casually - not a deep dark secret or something to be embarrassed about revealing, or something that's a big deal if someone has one on you and you don't return the feeling - but rather just a regular life thing.
posted by Frowner at 11:11 AM on September 25, 2011 [3 favorites]

I think you need to get over it and move on, because the only person that will make a big deal about this is you.
posted by Think_Long at 11:53 AM on September 25, 2011

Best answer: honestly, i wouldn't say anything because you will just cause more tension and awkwardness between yourself and your friend. sure, confessing and owning up to what you said will make you feel better, but it won't make anyone else feel better. it's not going to improve your relationship or change anything for the better so try to avoid saying anything.

however, you should tell this person what you said if you notice that your group of friends starts treating them differently. also, try not to worry too much about what you said. sure, it doesn't feel good and that's because what you did didn't coincide with your values but you didn't seem to do this out of spite or negative intentions so that counts for something.
posted by sincerely-s at 12:20 PM on September 25, 2011 [1 favorite]

You're stuck with a feeling and you want to fix that feeling with words. Words aren't the fix. Time and seeming disinterest with the topic are. You really do have to sit with things and ride it out. At least on the surface. The safe place where nobody will be looking...put your words there. And don't let them leave!
posted by iamkimiam at 1:10 PM on September 25, 2011

Just as a dissenting viewpoint, I think more disclosure is always better, but I also think secrets cause more problems than they solve. That having been said, keep other people's secrets in the future, but not your own. Cleaner that way.
posted by Strudel at 3:05 PM on September 25, 2011

Best answer: What other people think about you is none of your business. Once you learn this, you will be infinitely happier and will no longer worry about it too much. Because the truth is, it doesn't matter. What matters is how they act. It took me years to learn this, but I feel much, much better now.

The reality is that everyone tells (most of) everyone else's secrets and (mostly) pretends they don't. No one "really" thinks anything of you— they think one thing at one time with one person and another thing at another time with another person and mostly, like everyone else, they're obsessing about themselves.

So, relax, you'll laugh at this later and just try not to tell things that are really hurtful and really shouldn't be shared. Most of these people have probably long ago moved on to juicier gossip anyway and the more you can lighten up about it, the easier it will all be.
posted by Maias at 4:51 PM on September 25, 2011 [3 favorites]