Tea and sympathy?
September 23, 2011 12:54 PM Subscribe
Help me be more empathetic/sympathetic.
I need help being more sympathetic with my boyfriend (and, by extension, all my friends) when he is sick. He has a non-life-threatening condition that is mostly under control and causes very few physical problems (no real pain, but annoying symptoms). He has to have this operated on about twice a year. There is a very slight chance that it could be cancerous in the future. While I realize how much it sucks, I have a hard time figuring out exactly how to act. This is exacerbated by two things:
1. I grew up in a family that NEVER talks about illness. My grandfather had prostate cancer, went through the whole chemo and all without ever telling ANYONE. No one. He finally told my grandma long after the fact. I had chronic pain (migraines all day every day) for 15 years. I rarely spoke about it and even in dark days, I tried to keep quiet. Therefore I find talking about/acknowledging/discussing/complaining about illness very uncomfortable. I don't find complaining about it contemptuous, but I do find it confusing.
2. My BF (and again, by extension, other friends) is very unclear what he wants when he is sick or is worried about/confused by/scared of his condition. On one hand, he seems to want to be left alone, but on the other, he seems to want sympathy and nice things done for him. The balance is very very veryveryvery delicate -- if I'm too nice, he is upset with me for pandering. If I act like nothing is wrong, then I am accused of being "not nice." I find I have similar problems with my other friends as well. One has fibromyalgia and seems to want to push me away while at the same time she wants support and sympathy.
Help me, hive mind! I have no idea what to do. I'd like to act normal, but that's so hard when there seems to be an expectation for me to be nice. I want to be nice, but I get signals that ask me to go away. Is there a way to deal with this?
(PS: I see a therapist regularly and we often discuss how I tend to over-intellectualize things [another complaint from the BF] instead of being clear about how I really feel. I don't know if that is what's happening here or not.)
I need help being more sympathetic with my boyfriend (and, by extension, all my friends) when he is sick. He has a non-life-threatening condition that is mostly under control and causes very few physical problems (no real pain, but annoying symptoms). He has to have this operated on about twice a year. There is a very slight chance that it could be cancerous in the future. While I realize how much it sucks, I have a hard time figuring out exactly how to act. This is exacerbated by two things:
1. I grew up in a family that NEVER talks about illness. My grandfather had prostate cancer, went through the whole chemo and all without ever telling ANYONE. No one. He finally told my grandma long after the fact. I had chronic pain (migraines all day every day) for 15 years. I rarely spoke about it and even in dark days, I tried to keep quiet. Therefore I find talking about/acknowledging/discussing/complaining about illness very uncomfortable. I don't find complaining about it contemptuous, but I do find it confusing.
2. My BF (and again, by extension, other friends) is very unclear what he wants when he is sick or is worried about/confused by/scared of his condition. On one hand, he seems to want to be left alone, but on the other, he seems to want sympathy and nice things done for him. The balance is very very veryveryvery delicate -- if I'm too nice, he is upset with me for pandering. If I act like nothing is wrong, then I am accused of being "not nice." I find I have similar problems with my other friends as well. One has fibromyalgia and seems to want to push me away while at the same time she wants support and sympathy.
Help me, hive mind! I have no idea what to do. I'd like to act normal, but that's so hard when there seems to be an expectation for me to be nice. I want to be nice, but I get signals that ask me to go away. Is there a way to deal with this?
(PS: I see a therapist regularly and we often discuss how I tend to over-intellectualize things [another complaint from the BF] instead of being clear about how I really feel. I don't know if that is what's happening here or not.)
I agree with EmpressCallipygos that this isn't necessarily your issue. Have you tried pointing out to him when he accuses you of being "not nice" that when you try to be nice he pushes you away? (or vice versa).
posted by missmagenta at 1:08 PM on September 23, 2011
posted by missmagenta at 1:08 PM on September 23, 2011
I think that if you don't intuitively 'get' where someone is coming from the best thing to do is to get them to talk about their experience of it. Then you will have a road map to 'fill in the blanks' when this condition resurfaces. Hearing them say it in their own words will clue you in to what kind of things they will find most reassuring.
Perhaps when he is feeling well you can have a thorough talk about these issues.
Although your family was quite stoic, maybe you can find these skills within yourself by thinking of the feelings you get from literature or other media, which require an empathy with certain characters.
posted by abirdinthehand at 1:53 PM on September 23, 2011 [2 favorites]
Perhaps when he is feeling well you can have a thorough talk about these issues.
Although your family was quite stoic, maybe you can find these skills within yourself by thinking of the feelings you get from literature or other media, which require an empathy with certain characters.
posted by abirdinthehand at 1:53 PM on September 23, 2011 [2 favorites]
it it possible that when you try to be nice, it is coming off as being forced, and since he can sense that, gives off the go-away vibe in response? I Think that you have hit the nail on the head with your first question, the trick is to try to empathise with what he is feeling - try to visualise his discomfort - how would it make you feel? since you care about him, and don't want him to feel bad, then that train of thought should lead naturally to what you could do to make him feel better
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 1:56 PM on September 23, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 1:56 PM on September 23, 2011 [2 favorites]
Seconding sculpin. What he may be wanting is sympathy like you might give if you were listening to someone talk about a bad day, e.g. "Wow, that sounds bad. Is there anything I can do to help you feel better?" I sometimes find myself going overboard with the sympathetic words when I don't know what to say. Usually just a simple validation and letting them talk is more helpful.
And, like sculpin said, maybe he's hoping that you'll help with some of the practical things that he feels unable to do during these times. For example, if he has to take a day to recover from his operation it might be nice to bring him soup or help him out with the things he needs done around the house. Or just be sensitive if he's feeling bad because of his annoying symptoms and you two need to change your plans.
posted by Colonel_Chappy at 2:16 PM on September 23, 2011
And, like sculpin said, maybe he's hoping that you'll help with some of the practical things that he feels unable to do during these times. For example, if he has to take a day to recover from his operation it might be nice to bring him soup or help him out with the things he needs done around the house. Or just be sensitive if he's feeling bad because of his annoying symptoms and you two need to change your plans.
posted by Colonel_Chappy at 2:16 PM on September 23, 2011
I think the old “Please, let me know if there is anything I can do” can come in useful here, maybe followed by a physical sign of affection and support, anywhere between a tap on the forearm and a kiss/hug. Maybe also preceded by practical suggestions such as “Would you like me to x?”, to show that you really mean it. This also gives them the option to pipe up if there is indeed something where somebody else could help, or to come back to your (repeated) offers if something crops up with which you could help. You could also educate yourself on their condition, and participate in conversations on the practicalities deriving from them (they may not do x, but y is recommended etc).
It is pretty apparent, from the way you describe their reactions, that this is taking its toll on them psychologically as well a bit. So it might be hard for them to form clear ideas of what might be helpful, and, if they do, to find the inner resources to formulate requests. Or even merely reflect on/voice their unrest, or their fear, or their concerns. You keeping a door open by enquiring whenever the opportunity presents itself (new results, they bring it up etc.) and expressing your availability and your willingness to help could be crucial in you becoming a reliable support for them.
Saying all this, it is equally important that you take care of yourself as well. Being one of the main go-to persons for people who are faced with severe personal problems (be that chronic illness, or alcohol related, or somebody with depression etc), is quite a tough thing for you, as well. Whilst you might want avoid being callous and insensitive, you are also not Florence Nightingale. Nor are you, or should you be, a function of somebody’s condition. As someone who has had this experience on both sides (even though my illness was not so grave, it was still other-people-flummoxing), I think it is very important, when you are on the support-side of things, to know your own limits very well. This is important for you, and for the other person as well – after all, we are talking about situations in which the other person feels, at times, isolated, lost, confused, and afraid. If the support person is calling a halt to excessive behaviour (morbid, self-absorbed, contradictory etc.), this can bring the sufferer, if I may say so, back to a more even keel and tie him or her back to normality (the state where your condition is not the main actor). But then, of course, you have to beware of solely occupying the role of reality-checker….
In short, I would not worry too much about falling short on the empathy front. It is very, very hard even for people with well-practiced empathy skills to continuously and completely empathise with others. Nor would that be entirely helpful. What you can try to do is offer assistance, and try to read your BF’s and your other friend’s reactions as you do so – do they take heart more when you just commiserate? Or when you actually do something? Is it helpful if you merely express your support? Etc. It sounds like you are really empathetic – but maybe unsure of how to act on it.
Finally, hope that both your boyfriend and your girlfriend are good.
posted by miorita at 2:44 PM on September 23, 2011 [1 favorite]
It is pretty apparent, from the way you describe their reactions, that this is taking its toll on them psychologically as well a bit. So it might be hard for them to form clear ideas of what might be helpful, and, if they do, to find the inner resources to formulate requests. Or even merely reflect on/voice their unrest, or their fear, or their concerns. You keeping a door open by enquiring whenever the opportunity presents itself (new results, they bring it up etc.) and expressing your availability and your willingness to help could be crucial in you becoming a reliable support for them.
Saying all this, it is equally important that you take care of yourself as well. Being one of the main go-to persons for people who are faced with severe personal problems (be that chronic illness, or alcohol related, or somebody with depression etc), is quite a tough thing for you, as well. Whilst you might want avoid being callous and insensitive, you are also not Florence Nightingale. Nor are you, or should you be, a function of somebody’s condition. As someone who has had this experience on both sides (even though my illness was not so grave, it was still other-people-flummoxing), I think it is very important, when you are on the support-side of things, to know your own limits very well. This is important for you, and for the other person as well – after all, we are talking about situations in which the other person feels, at times, isolated, lost, confused, and afraid. If the support person is calling a halt to excessive behaviour (morbid, self-absorbed, contradictory etc.), this can bring the sufferer, if I may say so, back to a more even keel and tie him or her back to normality (the state where your condition is not the main actor). But then, of course, you have to beware of solely occupying the role of reality-checker….
In short, I would not worry too much about falling short on the empathy front. It is very, very hard even for people with well-practiced empathy skills to continuously and completely empathise with others. Nor would that be entirely helpful. What you can try to do is offer assistance, and try to read your BF’s and your other friend’s reactions as you do so – do they take heart more when you just commiserate? Or when you actually do something? Is it helpful if you merely express your support? Etc. It sounds like you are really empathetic – but maybe unsure of how to act on it.
Finally, hope that both your boyfriend and your girlfriend are good.
posted by miorita at 2:44 PM on September 23, 2011 [1 favorite]
Pity can be offensive. I wanted a touch of empathy and curiosity, and often I wanted some common-sense accommodations, but pity I did not want.
OK, but what if someone else's reasonable concern, compassion or kindliness read to you as pity, at least in that mood on that day? If you're ill and you do need help of some kind, you can't dictate exactly how someone else is to express their awareness of your condition, their acknowledgement that you may need a hand, and so forth.
It may be a lot to ask of a sick person, but human communication is imperfect.
posted by zadcat at 2:49 PM on September 23, 2011
OK, but what if someone else's reasonable concern, compassion or kindliness read to you as pity, at least in that mood on that day? If you're ill and you do need help of some kind, you can't dictate exactly how someone else is to express their awareness of your condition, their acknowledgement that you may need a hand, and so forth.
It may be a lot to ask of a sick person, but human communication is imperfect.
posted by zadcat at 2:49 PM on September 23, 2011
It sounds like your boyfriend is blaming you for a lot that isn't necessarily your fault. It is tough to know how to act in the situation you're in. When a person is depressed, sometimes that person can simultaneously crave attention and push people away, and it sounds like that's what he's doing. It sounds like your friend with fibromyalgia is going through the same thing, emotionally.
Since you are already seeing a therapist, he should also consider seeing a therapist, or you may want to give couples therapy a try. I got the vibe from your question that he sort of expects therapy to fix you more to his liking while not being willing to work on himself.
posted by wondermouse at 4:45 PM on September 23, 2011
Since you are already seeing a therapist, he should also consider seeing a therapist, or you may want to give couples therapy a try. I got the vibe from your question that he sort of expects therapy to fix you more to his liking while not being willing to work on himself.
posted by wondermouse at 4:45 PM on September 23, 2011
Finding folks who can understand what you're going through from a caretaker's POV will help, too. Memail me if you want--I can relate to much of what you wrote.
posted by luckynerd at 6:00 PM on September 23, 2011
posted by luckynerd at 6:00 PM on September 23, 2011
Ask your boyfriend "what is it that you want and need right now?" when he's having a flare-up. It shows him that you care and want to help, and provides the perfect opener for him to say "I need X, Y and Z". Until you know what people want from you, you can't give it to them without a good helping of luck. You might land on the exact thing they need by chance, but you also might not.
Also, Try to have a conversation when neither of you are emotionally upset about what both of your expectations are. Explain that you have a hard time discerning what he wants or needs sometimes, that you aren't always sure of the right course of action and that you need him to be explicitly clear about what he wants and needs when he's ill. Say that when you know that, you'll be able to provide him with it.
If the individuals in question can't tell you what they want or need, then that's not your fault. Don't blame yourself for other people's shortcomings.
Ultimately, all you can do is what you can do. If you aren't amazingly empathetic right now, then both of you will just have to work with that. Empathy isn't some magic trick that allows you to automatically feel every single emotion that someone else feels. It's a way for you to think "how would I feel in this situation?", but if you've never been in anything remotely like that situation, you can't really 100% feel it. All you can do is try, sometimes.
posted by Solomon at 2:06 AM on September 24, 2011 [1 favorite]
Also, Try to have a conversation when neither of you are emotionally upset about what both of your expectations are. Explain that you have a hard time discerning what he wants or needs sometimes, that you aren't always sure of the right course of action and that you need him to be explicitly clear about what he wants and needs when he's ill. Say that when you know that, you'll be able to provide him with it.
If the individuals in question can't tell you what they want or need, then that's not your fault. Don't blame yourself for other people's shortcomings.
Ultimately, all you can do is what you can do. If you aren't amazingly empathetic right now, then both of you will just have to work with that. Empathy isn't some magic trick that allows you to automatically feel every single emotion that someone else feels. It's a way for you to think "how would I feel in this situation?", but if you've never been in anything remotely like that situation, you can't really 100% feel it. All you can do is try, sometimes.
posted by Solomon at 2:06 AM on September 24, 2011 [1 favorite]
One off-the-wall thought: You might ask his mom how she would "nurse" him when he was sick as a child (unless, of course, he has unhappy issues related to his mother/childhood).
I realized that when I'm sick, I'd like everything to be like it was when I was a kid home from school with Strep Throat, or similar. Tucked up on the couch with a comfy blanket and billowy pillows, a stack of books, everything around me neat and tidy; ginger ale to drink, chicken soup, and jello, and a comforting presence around me in the background carrying on in a reassuring way, but not fussing over me. Let me drift in and out of reading and sleeping with the soothing sounds of the household as ambiance, but no anxious hovering.
I try to create this sort of atmosphere for my husband when he's ill, and it's not all that successful... because it's my idea of the perfect "invalid" atmosphere. It took a little examination for me to understand that this wasn't necessarily The Way to comfort someone ill, just my automatic go-to. I tried to ask my husband what his ideal comfort scenario is, but he's not forthcoming (or isn't really aware). He doesn't complain about me, though. He just says, don't do anything special/different, but I get the sense that he does want something.
Unfortunately, I can't ask his mom because she died when he was a teenager, so I settle on being cheerful, making sure that things are pleasant (clean, warm, relaxing), bringing tea/juice, and asking him what he'd like, but not too often. I also make him special rice, because that's what he makes me when I'm sick, so it I'm sure it's part of his constellation of comfort. Think about what your boyfriend does for you when you are ill, and this may or may not yield a clue.
Don't feel bad. Even people who want very specific treatment when they aren't feeling well, or who are cranky and hard to comfort may be totally freaked out and feel unable to cope when someone else close to them is ill. I don't have stats, obviously, but I think it's a pretty common for people to feel clueless.
As for empathy, it seems to me the fact that you are asking demonstrates caring, and sometimes caring trumps empathy. An empathetic person may even become virtually paralyzed by that feeling (and a sympathetic person may be cloying), whereas a caring person, even if they can't quite understand the dynamics of another individual's mindspace or physical pain/discomfort, can "keep calm and carry on," providing what they can.
Ask your boyfriend, when he's well, to try to visualize and articulate the ideal home situation when he's feeling weak/sick/anxious/unwell. If he can't or won't be responsive about that, I wouldn't feel bad about being blunt that you aren't going to do the walking on eggshells dance; he can help you help him, or he can stop complaining.
posted by taz at 3:54 AM on September 24, 2011 [1 favorite]
I realized that when I'm sick, I'd like everything to be like it was when I was a kid home from school with Strep Throat, or similar. Tucked up on the couch with a comfy blanket and billowy pillows, a stack of books, everything around me neat and tidy; ginger ale to drink, chicken soup, and jello, and a comforting presence around me in the background carrying on in a reassuring way, but not fussing over me. Let me drift in and out of reading and sleeping with the soothing sounds of the household as ambiance, but no anxious hovering.
I try to create this sort of atmosphere for my husband when he's ill, and it's not all that successful... because it's my idea of the perfect "invalid" atmosphere. It took a little examination for me to understand that this wasn't necessarily The Way to comfort someone ill, just my automatic go-to. I tried to ask my husband what his ideal comfort scenario is, but he's not forthcoming (or isn't really aware). He doesn't complain about me, though. He just says, don't do anything special/different, but I get the sense that he does want something.
Unfortunately, I can't ask his mom because she died when he was a teenager, so I settle on being cheerful, making sure that things are pleasant (clean, warm, relaxing), bringing tea/juice, and asking him what he'd like, but not too often. I also make him special rice, because that's what he makes me when I'm sick, so it I'm sure it's part of his constellation of comfort. Think about what your boyfriend does for you when you are ill, and this may or may not yield a clue.
Don't feel bad. Even people who want very specific treatment when they aren't feeling well, or who are cranky and hard to comfort may be totally freaked out and feel unable to cope when someone else close to them is ill. I don't have stats, obviously, but I think it's a pretty common for people to feel clueless.
As for empathy, it seems to me the fact that you are asking demonstrates caring, and sometimes caring trumps empathy. An empathetic person may even become virtually paralyzed by that feeling (and a sympathetic person may be cloying), whereas a caring person, even if they can't quite understand the dynamics of another individual's mindspace or physical pain/discomfort, can "keep calm and carry on," providing what they can.
Ask your boyfriend, when he's well, to try to visualize and articulate the ideal home situation when he's feeling weak/sick/anxious/unwell. If he can't or won't be responsive about that, I wouldn't feel bad about being blunt that you aren't going to do the walking on eggshells dance; he can help you help him, or he can stop complaining.
posted by taz at 3:54 AM on September 24, 2011 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
Just shoot him with a straight, "look, I'm not a mind-reader, tell me what you want me to do."
The only thing I'm seeing that maybe you could be "over-intellectualizing" is when you say: "I want to be nice, but I get signals that ask me to go away." What "signals" do you mean? Maybe those "signals" aren't there after all. But he still needs to be a hell of a lot more clear about what he wants and to not give you grief for being "pandering" when your'e trying to be helpful. He needs to be a lot better about communicating when he needs support and when he needs to be left alone, and that is NOT your fault, it's HIS.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 1:00 PM on September 23, 2011