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September 21, 2011 8:42 AM Subscribe
Should I tell sexual partners about my mole in an, er, delicate area?
I was the girl who asked this question a year ago: http://ask.metafilter.com/161319/Mole-on-labia . Long story short, I have a pretty big brown mole on my labia minora, I had it checked out by a doctor and a dermatologist and it was not malignant and not an STI. So no big deal.
But, having this ugly mole makes me nervous about what people I sleep with will think if they see it and think I have an STI or something. It is not wildly obvious but if someone went down on me they would definitely see it.
Bringing it up before sex seems like a mood-killer, but on the other hand it seems dishonest to leave it a mystery. I am kind of shy/insecure in the bedroom at any rate and already have the usual "oh what if my vulva looks weird!!" concerns.
So, Mefis, what is the right thing to do? Do I share and how do I say it? If you were banging a lady with a weird mole, would you want her to address it first? Am I being way too neurotic about this?
I was the girl who asked this question a year ago: http://ask.metafilter.com/161319/Mole-on-labia . Long story short, I have a pretty big brown mole on my labia minora, I had it checked out by a doctor and a dermatologist and it was not malignant and not an STI. So no big deal.
But, having this ugly mole makes me nervous about what people I sleep with will think if they see it and think I have an STI or something. It is not wildly obvious but if someone went down on me they would definitely see it.
Bringing it up before sex seems like a mood-killer, but on the other hand it seems dishonest to leave it a mystery. I am kind of shy/insecure in the bedroom at any rate and already have the usual "oh what if my vulva looks weird!!" concerns.
So, Mefis, what is the right thing to do? Do I share and how do I say it? If you were banging a lady with a weird mole, would you want her to address it first? Am I being way too neurotic about this?
If it bothers you that much, you should just get it cut off. That you've seen a doctor and a dermatologist about this suggests that maybe you have insurance now? I've had several moles cut off of me; they've all been in places where they get irritated by daily activity (under my bra strap, etc). As long as you can make a case that it gets in the way of daily life (and a large mole on your labia I think would fall into that class), insurance should cover it without any guff.
If you don't have insurance...really, just don't worry about it. I have a large freckle down there that has yet to cause any issue. If whomever is down there even notices, then you can tell them. Until then, though, treat it like the not-even-worth-mentioning-it's-such-a-not-big-deal that it is.
posted by phunniemee at 8:52 AM on September 21, 2011 [3 favorites]
If you don't have insurance...really, just don't worry about it. I have a large freckle down there that has yet to cause any issue. If whomever is down there even notices, then you can tell them. Until then, though, treat it like the not-even-worth-mentioning-it's-such-a-not-big-deal that it is.
posted by phunniemee at 8:52 AM on September 21, 2011 [3 favorites]
Actually, lemme amend that "most guys haven't cared" to "ALL guys haven't cared", in the sense that no one was turned off. A couple guys got curious about what kind of operation I had, but it was a freak OB/GYN thing I had and I've begged off telling them at that precise moment ("trust me, it'd be a moodkiller, I'll tell you later").
But none of them were ever turned off. They were too jazzed by the fact that I was that naked in the first place.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 8:55 AM on September 21, 2011 [3 favorites]
But none of them were ever turned off. They were too jazzed by the fact that I was that naked in the first place.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 8:55 AM on September 21, 2011 [3 favorites]
I think a head's up (so to speak) would be less freak-out causing than stumbling upon it and not knowing what it is.
"Oh, hey, as long as you're heading down there you should know I have this mole. It's totally harmless. Just work around it or whatever."
If he/she reverses direction then just tell them to keep on going out the door.
posted by bondcliff at 8:56 AM on September 21, 2011
"Oh, hey, as long as you're heading down there you should know I have this mole. It's totally harmless. Just work around it or whatever."
If he/she reverses direction then just tell them to keep on going out the door.
posted by bondcliff at 8:56 AM on September 21, 2011
I would go with the approach of wait till they notice and then answer questions. Treat it exactly like what it is- nothing at all.
also- they would have to be pretty uh... entreched in the activity- to even see it, so there is a good chance they won't notice it at all, deary.
posted by Blisterlips at 9:04 AM on September 21, 2011
also- they would have to be pretty uh... entreched in the activity- to even see it, so there is a good chance they won't notice it at all, deary.
posted by Blisterlips at 9:04 AM on September 21, 2011
This is all about branding. Don't warn them you have a mole, tease them about your wildly NSFW beauty mark.
posted by roger ackroyd at 9:08 AM on September 21, 2011 [76 favorites]
posted by roger ackroyd at 9:08 AM on September 21, 2011 [76 favorites]
This is all about branding. Don't warn them you have a mole, tease them about your wildly NSFW beauty mark.
THIS ANSWER DESERVES A TROPHY!! YES!
Oh lady! Celebrate you, moles and all. Plus you'll feel better if you mention it, AND you don't have to be shy or insecure.
posted by RJ Reynolds at 9:14 AM on September 21, 2011 [6 favorites]
THIS ANSWER DESERVES A TROPHY!! YES!
Oh lady! Celebrate you, moles and all. Plus you'll feel better if you mention it, AND you don't have to be shy or insecure.
posted by RJ Reynolds at 9:14 AM on September 21, 2011 [6 favorites]
So if you have a big mole on your butt or your back or your leg or something, I'm assuming the men you're with aren't going to panic, so if they comment say "it's a mole." That's it. Should be the end of it, since plenty of people have moles, sometimes big ones in unusual places. Any guy who's got you in a position to actually see the thing and then flip over it is not a guy you want to be sleeping with anyway, IMO.
posted by asciident at 9:24 AM on September 21, 2011
posted by asciident at 9:24 AM on September 21, 2011
Bringing it up before sex seems like a mood-killer, but on the other hand it seems dishonest to leave it a mystery
How is that dishonest? Did you say that you were going to be perfect and mole free? I doubt it.
posted by bluelava at 9:25 AM on September 21, 2011 [1 favorite]
How is that dishonest? Did you say that you were going to be perfect and mole free? I doubt it.
posted by bluelava at 9:25 AM on September 21, 2011 [1 favorite]
roger ackroyd has it. Not everyone gets to see your VIPs only birthmark!
posted by pointystick at 9:30 AM on September 21, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by pointystick at 9:30 AM on September 21, 2011 [1 favorite]
This is all about branding. Don't warn them you have a mole, tease them about your wildly NSFW beauty mark.
"You know how Marilyn Monroe has that sexy mole right by her lips? I've got one like that too. If you're especially nice I might let you see it..."
I imagine it would be especially effective if you say it in a whisper while he can see your face. It might take him a few minutes but he should be able to get it. (This of course won't work if you also have a beauty mark on your face.)
Treat it like that naughty tattoo some girls get. If a guy is really lucky you might just let him go looking for it.
posted by TooFewShoes at 9:38 AM on September 21, 2011
"You know how Marilyn Monroe has that sexy mole right by her lips? I've got one like that too. If you're especially nice I might let you see it..."
I imagine it would be especially effective if you say it in a whisper while he can see your face. It might take him a few minutes but he should be able to get it. (This of course won't work if you also have a beauty mark on your face.)
Treat it like that naughty tattoo some girls get. If a guy is really lucky you might just let him go looking for it.
posted by TooFewShoes at 9:38 AM on September 21, 2011
If it bothers you that much, you should just get it cut off. That you've seen a doctor and a dermatologist about this suggests that maybe you have insurance now? I've had several moles cut off of me; they've all been in places where they get irritated by daily activity (under my bra strap, etc). As long as you can make a case that it gets in the way of daily life (and a large mole on your labia I think would fall into that class), insurance should cover it without any guff.
I agree with this without hesitation. I had an ugly mole right beneath my breasts where my underwire sometimes hit. It made me feel terrible and I didn't wear bikinis my entire life because of it. I asked for my derm to remove it; they sent it for a biopsy, just in case, which is what your dermatologist will likely do (this will help ensure that insurance will cover it). I have a not-beautiful scar there now, but I feel infinitely more comfortable with myself and my body since.
Cut that sucker off!
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 10:20 AM on September 21, 2011
I agree with this without hesitation. I had an ugly mole right beneath my breasts where my underwire sometimes hit. It made me feel terrible and I didn't wear bikinis my entire life because of it. I asked for my derm to remove it; they sent it for a biopsy, just in case, which is what your dermatologist will likely do (this will help ensure that insurance will cover it). I have a not-beautiful scar there now, but I feel infinitely more comfortable with myself and my body since.
Cut that sucker off!
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 10:20 AM on September 21, 2011
I have one in the same spot, and nobody has ever said anything to me about it. It's just a mole. I don't think you owe anyone an explanation.
posted by easy, lucky, free at 10:30 AM on September 21, 2011
posted by easy, lucky, free at 10:30 AM on September 21, 2011
People lacking such a mole have to get piercings just to keep up with you.
posted by Obscure Reference at 10:37 AM on September 21, 2011 [7 favorites]
posted by Obscure Reference at 10:37 AM on September 21, 2011 [7 favorites]
I have one right in the spot where my inner thigh meets up with my body. I just asked el_lupino what he remembers about when we first slept together, because I was pretty sure I didn't remember to bring it up. I've never been particularly bothered by it. He says, "I think you said afterward, 'So you probably noticed I have a mole there.' He says his reply, with a big grin on his face, was something like, 'Yep, I suppose you do.'" No problem for him - as others have said, once you're naked, nothing much is really a big deal.
I do remember him saying years later "It's a nice reminder to have. You never forget whom you're sleeping with."
posted by jocelmeow at 1:48 PM on September 21, 2011
I do remember him saying years later "It's a nice reminder to have. You never forget whom you're sleeping with."
posted by jocelmeow at 1:48 PM on September 21, 2011
Don't worry about it at all.
posted by Silvertree at 2:02 PM on September 21, 2011
posted by Silvertree at 2:02 PM on September 21, 2011
I have one in the same place too which I've had all my life. It's never been an issue and no one has ever asked me about it. I seriously wouldn't worry about it at all. In the rare occurrence that someone does freak out about it, well, that's a clear sign that you should DTMFA.
posted by MaryDellamorte at 4:48 PM on September 21, 2011
posted by MaryDellamorte at 4:48 PM on September 21, 2011
Ok, perspective. A friend of mine has neurofibromatosis (I think thats close) and is COVERED in large (think last-third-of-your-thumb-sized) lumps of skin - they look like big skin coloured warts but softer and rounder. In terms of numbers, he recently had an op to remove a load and they took off over 300 and it looks like they didnt make dent.
And yes - he tells me - they do appear - down there.
I suppose he doesnt have to tell women that as they probably have a good clue already. I have never known him not to have an SO, and he's happly married. Its all in the personality I guess.
posted by daveyt at 5:25 AM on September 22, 2011
And yes - he tells me - they do appear - down there.
I suppose he doesnt have to tell women that as they probably have a good clue already. I have never known him not to have an SO, and he's happly married. Its all in the personality I guess.
posted by daveyt at 5:25 AM on September 22, 2011
If it helps to hear something from the other perspective (that of the person SEEING the mole on the other person's body) -- my last boyfriend had a birthmark right where his thigh met his torso; it was about the size of a six-year-old's hand.
Didn't turn me off at all. In fact, it was more of a turn-on -- the first time I saw it, my reaction was "huh, didn't know THAT was there -- heh, he's naked enough that I get to see it," and after that my reaction was, "whee, I can see the birthmark! And THAT'S becuase he's naked and that means WE'RE HAVING SEX! YAY!"
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 5:52 AM on September 22, 2011 [1 favorite]
Didn't turn me off at all. In fact, it was more of a turn-on -- the first time I saw it, my reaction was "huh, didn't know THAT was there -- heh, he's naked enough that I get to see it," and after that my reaction was, "whee, I can see the birthmark! And THAT'S becuase he's naked and that means WE'RE HAVING SEX! YAY!"
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 5:52 AM on September 22, 2011 [1 favorite]
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I hear you on not wanting to freak a guy out -- I have a big 4-inch surgical scar running across my groin directly above the pubic area. But I usually just wait until my pants are off and see if he even notices, and then I just say "yeah, that was from a surgery I had once" and that's that. Most guys haven't cared. (If it helps you relax, come up with a joke about it -- I sometimes tell guys that I'm thinking of getting a tattoo above my scar that reads "guests sign in please", and that always cracks them up.)
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 8:47 AM on September 21, 2011 [2 favorites]