Tips for dealing with toxic person in my family
September 18, 2011 1:41 PM Subscribe
Help, I need tips or advice on ways to prepare myself to be around a toxic person at an upcoming family gathering.
I want to enjoy family gatherings again. It's been years. No one in my family knows I feel this way, I keep quiet about my feelings about this person who is married to my sibling. My in-law has little respect for most people unless they can do something for my in-law or has some status that my in-law wants to be associated with. It's eye rolling when I speak, mocking me under their breath or right out in the open, condescending questions, making what is a thinly veiled in-joke about me to my sibling right in front of me, pushiness, getting up in my business, weird questions that I think are designed to interrupt my story by mildly upsetting me (for instance when I was mentioning to a few people at a family gathering that I'd gone to see an exhibit recently my in-law interjects, "Oh, did your mom give you a ride?" kinda out of nowhere and strange as a question because I'm a grown up who also happens to not drive/uses public transit and who cares if my mom gave me a ride??), as well they say nothing back when you compliment them, give gifts that are offensive then says over and over, "I hope you aren't offended!" (then maybe consider not giving me offensive gifts), makes a big production of sitting right by me and lighting a cigarette in slow motion (it's almost funny now that I think about it) knowing that I've quit smoking. Just weird, weird messed up things that don't actually offend me so much as make me feel deeply sad. This is my family. Where I go for Christmas. And it's been hijacked by someone who (?) hates me. And, if I'm tired or stressed (which I happen to be these days) this person does wear on my esteem a little. It works (what they are doing). I don't let them ever see that they are upsetting me because every instinct I have tells me that that is exactly what they want. Not to talk things out and get along, but some kind of valid proof that they have messed with me. That's why I don't let on. They are family and I can't simply ditch them (otherwise I would never speak to them again and I wouldn't be fretting over having to 'deal' with them soon). I've seen them treat other people this way, too, in case that helps. And I've witnessed others become very upset by this person's cruelty. They have made me very upset. I've read lots of things on the subject of toxic people but what I need are not ways to manage the relationship or improve the relationship/talk things though, etc. None of that will ever happen on their end. What I need are methods, ideas, tips, mantras, tricks *anything* that will help me get though this gathering with my dignity intact and my (mild) depression in check and generally not feeling worse about myself for days afterward. This person does manage to make me fee like crap (a lot of that is about the cruelty itself and not that I think they are 'right about me' in their treatment).
Also: I *have* to be around them at least once a year. I can get out of certain family gatherings by going to my SO's family for holidays, but I can't do that this year--and am tired of avoiding my family because of this person.
I want to enjoy family gatherings again. It's been years. No one in my family knows I feel this way, I keep quiet about my feelings about this person who is married to my sibling. My in-law has little respect for most people unless they can do something for my in-law or has some status that my in-law wants to be associated with. It's eye rolling when I speak, mocking me under their breath or right out in the open, condescending questions, making what is a thinly veiled in-joke about me to my sibling right in front of me, pushiness, getting up in my business, weird questions that I think are designed to interrupt my story by mildly upsetting me (for instance when I was mentioning to a few people at a family gathering that I'd gone to see an exhibit recently my in-law interjects, "Oh, did your mom give you a ride?" kinda out of nowhere and strange as a question because I'm a grown up who also happens to not drive/uses public transit and who cares if my mom gave me a ride??), as well they say nothing back when you compliment them, give gifts that are offensive then says over and over, "I hope you aren't offended!" (then maybe consider not giving me offensive gifts), makes a big production of sitting right by me and lighting a cigarette in slow motion (it's almost funny now that I think about it) knowing that I've quit smoking. Just weird, weird messed up things that don't actually offend me so much as make me feel deeply sad. This is my family. Where I go for Christmas. And it's been hijacked by someone who (?) hates me. And, if I'm tired or stressed (which I happen to be these days) this person does wear on my esteem a little. It works (what they are doing). I don't let them ever see that they are upsetting me because every instinct I have tells me that that is exactly what they want. Not to talk things out and get along, but some kind of valid proof that they have messed with me. That's why I don't let on. They are family and I can't simply ditch them (otherwise I would never speak to them again and I wouldn't be fretting over having to 'deal' with them soon). I've seen them treat other people this way, too, in case that helps. And I've witnessed others become very upset by this person's cruelty. They have made me very upset. I've read lots of things on the subject of toxic people but what I need are not ways to manage the relationship or improve the relationship/talk things though, etc. None of that will ever happen on their end. What I need are methods, ideas, tips, mantras, tricks *anything* that will help me get though this gathering with my dignity intact and my (mild) depression in check and generally not feeling worse about myself for days afterward. This person does manage to make me fee like crap (a lot of that is about the cruelty itself and not that I think they are 'right about me' in their treatment).
Also: I *have* to be around them at least once a year. I can get out of certain family gatherings by going to my SO's family for holidays, but I can't do that this year--and am tired of avoiding my family because of this person.
(I mean 'threaten' as in not on purpose, but by their being envious or unsure of their position. People who are really social-hierarchy-position-oriented can get really weird like this if they perceive someone has status they feel they themselves are more deserved of.)
posted by krilli at 1:46 PM on September 18, 2011
posted by krilli at 1:46 PM on September 18, 2011
What does your sibling say about it?
This is what your sibling is supposed to control.
Why aren't they giving their obnoxious spouse a smack down?
posted by The ____ of Justice at 1:50 PM on September 18, 2011 [5 favorites]
This is what your sibling is supposed to control.
Why aren't they giving their obnoxious spouse a smack down?
posted by The ____ of Justice at 1:50 PM on September 18, 2011 [5 favorites]
No one in my family knows I feel this way, I keep quiet about my feelings about this person who is married to my sibling.
Can you talk to your sibling about it or let your family know why you've been staying away?
posted by The Hamms Bear at 1:52 PM on September 18, 2011 [2 favorites]
Can you talk to your sibling about it or let your family know why you've been staying away?
posted by The Hamms Bear at 1:52 PM on September 18, 2011 [2 favorites]
Crap, now I can see your question is anonymous.
This is really your sibling's responsibility. If you tell your sibling their spouse's behavior is intolerable, and your sibling says "uh, sorry, I can't do anything about it", your sibling is actually demonstrating disrespect/indifference to you.
You need to take this up with your sibling. "I feel like your spouse is showing me massive disrespect. I'd appreciate if you told them to stop." Tell them concrete examples.
If your sib does nothing about it, feel free to give the person a smack down next time.
This is one of the ONLY times I'd condone this kind of thing, but, in a totally calm and professional manner, this is what you need to do...
Jerk: "oh, THAT's a nice jacket" (sarcastic)
You: "Is there a reason why you're like this? Did anyone teach you manners? Don't ever use that tone of voice with me again."
Jerk: snickers
You: [dumps juice glass over jerk's head]
Have fun!
posted by The ____ of Justice at 2:03 PM on September 18, 2011 [6 favorites]
This is really your sibling's responsibility. If you tell your sibling their spouse's behavior is intolerable, and your sibling says "uh, sorry, I can't do anything about it", your sibling is actually demonstrating disrespect/indifference to you.
You need to take this up with your sibling. "I feel like your spouse is showing me massive disrespect. I'd appreciate if you told them to stop." Tell them concrete examples.
If your sib does nothing about it, feel free to give the person a smack down next time.
This is one of the ONLY times I'd condone this kind of thing, but, in a totally calm and professional manner, this is what you need to do...
Jerk: "oh, THAT's a nice jacket" (sarcastic)
You: "Is there a reason why you're like this? Did anyone teach you manners? Don't ever use that tone of voice with me again."
Jerk: snickers
You: [dumps juice glass over jerk's head]
Have fun!
posted by The ____ of Justice at 2:03 PM on September 18, 2011 [6 favorites]
This person's behaviour is not about you. When I took that to heart (mainly by reminding myself of this fact very often indeed), it got a lot easier to step back from the person, metaphorically speaking, and readjust to the situation.
Say someone you meet is having a bad day. They're short or snappy with you, because someone cut them up while driving/their cat vomited on their work uniform 5 minutes before they had to leave for work/whatever. They're just in a bad mood. They might take that bad mood out on you, and behave inappropriately, but it's not about you. You just happen to be a convenient target.
This individual, for whatever reason, doesn't like you. They're not seeing you for you, though. They have a distorted image of you in their head, and they're reacting to that, not you.
Not letting on that it's getting to you is, in a very real way, frustrating to them. They'll probably try harder and harder to annoy you, just to see you slip up. By staying calm, you're winning and you're annoying them WAY MORE than they're annoying you.
If it helps, try to pity them. Someone who has to make cracks about your parents giving you a lift is really scraping the bottom of the barrel for insults. They aren't even very good at insulting you. I mean, who actually says that past the age of 12? This individual must be really unhappy to want to spread so much unhappiness around. Happy people don't do stuff like this.
Look into CBT. It's helpful both for depression and social interactions. You might find it helpful for giving you another way to view this individual. It will also help you regain some control over your own emotions and help you disable the buttons that they're pushing.
posted by Solomon at 2:04 PM on September 18, 2011 [2 favorites]
Say someone you meet is having a bad day. They're short or snappy with you, because someone cut them up while driving/their cat vomited on their work uniform 5 minutes before they had to leave for work/whatever. They're just in a bad mood. They might take that bad mood out on you, and behave inappropriately, but it's not about you. You just happen to be a convenient target.
This individual, for whatever reason, doesn't like you. They're not seeing you for you, though. They have a distorted image of you in their head, and they're reacting to that, not you.
Not letting on that it's getting to you is, in a very real way, frustrating to them. They'll probably try harder and harder to annoy you, just to see you slip up. By staying calm, you're winning and you're annoying them WAY MORE than they're annoying you.
If it helps, try to pity them. Someone who has to make cracks about your parents giving you a lift is really scraping the bottom of the barrel for insults. They aren't even very good at insulting you. I mean, who actually says that past the age of 12? This individual must be really unhappy to want to spread so much unhappiness around. Happy people don't do stuff like this.
Look into CBT. It's helpful both for depression and social interactions. You might find it helpful for giving you another way to view this individual. It will also help you regain some control over your own emotions and help you disable the buttons that they're pushing.
posted by Solomon at 2:04 PM on September 18, 2011 [2 favorites]
You attain one of those awkward you're-both-in-the-kitchen-alone kind of moments, and you ask,
"Hey, while I have you for a minute, I just wanted to know: Why are you trying to fuck with me?
I get this feeling that you pretty much hate me, and I honestly don't understand it.
If I did you some wrong, I want to know about it so we can set this straight.
I want to be able to move on from whatever this is and enjoy time with my family, you included."
Feel free to add such things as:
"I care about _sibling's name_ and I want to care about you too, but you're making this really hard. You're his/her wife/husband and I'd love to get to know you better. We both love _sibling's name_, right? Can't we use that as mutual ground?"
posted by DisreputableDog at 2:06 PM on September 18, 2011 [9 favorites]
"Hey, while I have you for a minute, I just wanted to know: Why are you trying to fuck with me?
I get this feeling that you pretty much hate me, and I honestly don't understand it.
If I did you some wrong, I want to know about it so we can set this straight.
I want to be able to move on from whatever this is and enjoy time with my family, you included."
Feel free to add such things as:
"I care about _sibling's name_ and I want to care about you too, but you're making this really hard. You're his/her wife/husband and I'd love to get to know you better. We both love _sibling's name_, right? Can't we use that as mutual ground?"
posted by DisreputableDog at 2:06 PM on September 18, 2011 [9 favorites]
I keep quiet about my feelings about this person who is married to my sibling.
What, seething in silence isn't changing the outcome?
Call her on her bad behavior immediately after it happens. Don't say you aren't offended if you actually are. Tell her to go smoke somewhere else. If she interrupts you with irrelevance, say "well, that' got nothing to do with anything," and continue on. Don't worry, everyone will understand.
She's acting like a jackass around you because you are giving her carte blanche to do so. She'll prod you till you snap. So learn to cut her off at the pass, before that point comes.
posted by sageleaf at 2:07 PM on September 18, 2011 [20 favorites]
What, seething in silence isn't changing the outcome?
Call her on her bad behavior immediately after it happens. Don't say you aren't offended if you actually are. Tell her to go smoke somewhere else. If she interrupts you with irrelevance, say "well, that' got nothing to do with anything," and continue on. Don't worry, everyone will understand.
She's acting like a jackass around you because you are giving her carte blanche to do so. She'll prod you till you snap. So learn to cut her off at the pass, before that point comes.
posted by sageleaf at 2:07 PM on September 18, 2011 [20 favorites]
Do you think anyone in your family would support you on this?
In my experience, as much as it sucks, sometimes you just have to suck it up and minimize your interactions with the dismissive person. I have a brother who has made it clear he doesn't think much of me and while that sucks, what sucks more is that others in the family can't/won't/refuse to see it. And that cuts more than his shittiness. So since I still want to be around my family, I just do my best to minimize any direct interactions with him and accept that I will never get the validation from other family member that I want. This took a bit of work and it's not for everyone, but I think of it in terms of reclaiming the power I was giving to him (and them).
posted by mandymanwasregistered at 2:09 PM on September 18, 2011 [2 favorites]
In my experience, as much as it sucks, sometimes you just have to suck it up and minimize your interactions with the dismissive person. I have a brother who has made it clear he doesn't think much of me and while that sucks, what sucks more is that others in the family can't/won't/refuse to see it. And that cuts more than his shittiness. So since I still want to be around my family, I just do my best to minimize any direct interactions with him and accept that I will never get the validation from other family member that I want. This took a bit of work and it's not for everyone, but I think of it in terms of reclaiming the power I was giving to him (and them).
posted by mandymanwasregistered at 2:09 PM on September 18, 2011 [2 favorites]
Alternately, if your sibling won't take steps to reign in their spouse, and if you don't want to go to dumping the juice glass, turn to your sibling and ask in front of the whole family, "why didn't you marry a nicer person?"
I guess everyone has a much "nicer" approach than me on this thread, but after having witnessed some sheer ugliness from psycho relatives and especially seeing the rest of the family easily buckle under "the nasty relative", sometimes you have to fight fire with fire.
posted by The ____ of Justice at 2:14 PM on September 18, 2011 [8 favorites]
I guess everyone has a much "nicer" approach than me on this thread, but after having witnessed some sheer ugliness from psycho relatives and especially seeing the rest of the family easily buckle under "the nasty relative", sometimes you have to fight fire with fire.
posted by The ____ of Justice at 2:14 PM on September 18, 2011 [8 favorites]
Also, I find responding to silly questions or comments directly works really well.
Q: "Did your mom give you a lift?"
A: "No."
Say "no" in exactly the same tone and inflection that you've been talking in up until that point. You're not responding to them differently in any way at all. They asked a question, and you answered it. That's just polite social interaction. You, upset? Why would you be upset at a simple question? ;)
If they make another comment about hoping you're not offended, just say "I'm not", smile and continue the conversation. Every time they mention being offended, just repeat that you aren't. Just respond as you normally would to anyone else who made a social faux pas.
posted by Solomon at 2:15 PM on September 18, 2011 [6 favorites]
Q: "Did your mom give you a lift?"
A: "No."
Say "no" in exactly the same tone and inflection that you've been talking in up until that point. You're not responding to them differently in any way at all. They asked a question, and you answered it. That's just polite social interaction. You, upset? Why would you be upset at a simple question? ;)
If they make another comment about hoping you're not offended, just say "I'm not", smile and continue the conversation. Every time they mention being offended, just repeat that you aren't. Just respond as you normally would to anyone else who made a social faux pas.
posted by Solomon at 2:15 PM on September 18, 2011 [6 favorites]
Don't ignore it; that will simply result in escalation.
Call him/her on it bluntly and smoothly, in public, the first time it happens in a scene (e.g. restaurant). Just say, "that's really unpleasant" or something like that.
Any further unpleasant emissions or caustic responses, look at him/her in complete silence with a dead face or cocked eyebrow for two or three beats then continue what you were doing as if you were just interrupted by the momentary squalling of a child's tantrum or a particularly noxious dog fart.
Key points: you're an adult, they're a child -- but they're not YOUR child. So, it's not your job to school him/her -- simply continue to indicate quietly and briefly that they're expressing socially unacceptable behaviour.
Never return volley.
posted by seanmpuckett at 2:16 PM on September 18, 2011 [14 favorites]
Call him/her on it bluntly and smoothly, in public, the first time it happens in a scene (e.g. restaurant). Just say, "that's really unpleasant" or something like that.
Any further unpleasant emissions or caustic responses, look at him/her in complete silence with a dead face or cocked eyebrow for two or three beats then continue what you were doing as if you were just interrupted by the momentary squalling of a child's tantrum or a particularly noxious dog fart.
Key points: you're an adult, they're a child -- but they're not YOUR child. So, it's not your job to school him/her -- simply continue to indicate quietly and briefly that they're expressing socially unacceptable behaviour.
Never return volley.
posted by seanmpuckett at 2:16 PM on September 18, 2011 [14 favorites]
I don't think you should cede any power whatsoever to this asshole. First thing you should do is get the lowdown from your sibling on what, if anything, they intend to do about it. Chances are it will be nothing.
Following on safeleaf's advice, I'd advise you to get real comfortable with withering remarks. There's nothing whatsoever in saying to someone who's undermining and sabotaging you things such as "fuck off" and "why are you being such an ignorant prick?"
Years ago when I met a person who would eventually marry into my family at a luncheon, he made several racist jokes. (To their discredit, they laughed and laughed, which helps explain why I don't have a close relationship with my extended family.) I stood up and left the restaurant. My mother chased after me and begged me not to "make a scene." I told her the person making the scene was the asshole telling n-word jokes to his girlfriend's family upon first meeting them, and I would not apologize nor explain myself to anyone.
There's no need to play meek and go along to get along, even with someone who's related to you. If something upsets you--as this person's behavior would anyone--it's your duty to yourself and your mental well being to call out the offensive behavior. Even if just means giving a withering look, leaving the room, and refusing to speak to the person.
posted by ImproviseOrDie at 2:17 PM on September 18, 2011 [5 favorites]
Following on safeleaf's advice, I'd advise you to get real comfortable with withering remarks. There's nothing whatsoever in saying to someone who's undermining and sabotaging you things such as "fuck off" and "why are you being such an ignorant prick?"
Years ago when I met a person who would eventually marry into my family at a luncheon, he made several racist jokes. (To their discredit, they laughed and laughed, which helps explain why I don't have a close relationship with my extended family.) I stood up and left the restaurant. My mother chased after me and begged me not to "make a scene." I told her the person making the scene was the asshole telling n-word jokes to his girlfriend's family upon first meeting them, and I would not apologize nor explain myself to anyone.
There's no need to play meek and go along to get along, even with someone who's related to you. If something upsets you--as this person's behavior would anyone--it's your duty to yourself and your mental well being to call out the offensive behavior. Even if just means giving a withering look, leaving the room, and refusing to speak to the person.
posted by ImproviseOrDie at 2:17 PM on September 18, 2011 [5 favorites]
If your in-law is anything like my toxic sister, calling them out on their behavior is really just a license to escalate the abuse. In reality, it's much easier to change your reaction than it is to change their behavior. One of my favorite mantras is "F**k 'em if they can't take a joke" which serves as a reminder (to me) not to get hooked by another person's negativity, insults, or mockery. Walking away, especially if they are in the middle of doing something obnoxious, may communicate that they are not getting the reaction they seek.
At some point, though, you will probably want to talk to your sibling (the jerk's spouse) about this. Perhaps after Christmas, when you have fresh examples of bad behavior to offer in case your sibling reacts with disbelief or defensiveness.
posted by DrGail at 2:18 PM on September 18, 2011 [1 favorite]
At some point, though, you will probably want to talk to your sibling (the jerk's spouse) about this. Perhaps after Christmas, when you have fresh examples of bad behavior to offer in case your sibling reacts with disbelief or defensiveness.
posted by DrGail at 2:18 PM on September 18, 2011 [1 favorite]
Solomon is 100% right that his behavior is not at all about you. It may help you step back a bit and take it somewhat less personally if you can remind yourself that what he's commenting on isn't you, it's about whatever awfulness is going on inside his head.
Absolutely talk to your sister about it, let her know that the disparaging remarks are very hurtful to you and make you uncomfortable without demonizing him (however monstrous his behavior is -- and trust me, I sympathize). If you can frame it in such a way that it's about something he's doing rather than something that he is, that may make it easier for your sister to hear.
My mom says a lot of monstrously rude things and makes inappropriate interjections during conversations. It makes her really unpleasant to be around some days. I've practiced this sort of thing with her a lot:
Mom: [some thoughtless observation along the lines of "wow you sure put on weight!" or "gee your hair is getting really gray!"]
Me: (pause) (make eye contact) "That's not appropriate." [change of subject]
OR
Me: (pause, make eye contact, hold for a beat, then turn back to the person to whom I was speaking and resume my conversation, perhaps with "anyway, as I was saying...")
Don't laugh along, don't let yourself be made the butt of any jokes, but don't make it any secret that you're not interested in interacting with this jackass on his terms. Good luck.
posted by trunk muffins at 2:19 PM on September 18, 2011 [2 favorites]
Absolutely talk to your sister about it, let her know that the disparaging remarks are very hurtful to you and make you uncomfortable without demonizing him (however monstrous his behavior is -- and trust me, I sympathize). If you can frame it in such a way that it's about something he's doing rather than something that he is, that may make it easier for your sister to hear.
My mom says a lot of monstrously rude things and makes inappropriate interjections during conversations. It makes her really unpleasant to be around some days. I've practiced this sort of thing with her a lot:
Mom: [some thoughtless observation along the lines of "wow you sure put on weight!" or "gee your hair is getting really gray!"]
Me: (pause) (make eye contact) "That's not appropriate." [change of subject]
OR
Me: (pause, make eye contact, hold for a beat, then turn back to the person to whom I was speaking and resume my conversation, perhaps with "anyway, as I was saying...")
Don't laugh along, don't let yourself be made the butt of any jokes, but don't make it any secret that you're not interested in interacting with this jackass on his terms. Good luck.
posted by trunk muffins at 2:19 PM on September 18, 2011 [2 favorites]
Is it possible you are a little over-sensitive to this person's remarks because they make you uncomfortable? The thing about "did your mom give you a ride?" strikes me, without all of the history you bring to these interactions, as just a conversational thing to say. I mean, yes, it's belittleing if you feel ashamed of not driving, but as someone who is totally fine about not having a car, I don't think it's a weir comment to make.
Having said that, you can arm yourself with some stock phrases that basically allow you to respond to and then blow by their comment.
"How interesting."
"How odd that you think that."
"What an interesting gift choice!"
"Goodness, why would you say something like that?"
"Oh, did you need an ashtray? Let me get you one." (And then change seats.)
And then just keep talking. Over them. To anyone else.
posted by DarlingBri at 2:21 PM on September 18, 2011 [1 favorite]
Having said that, you can arm yourself with some stock phrases that basically allow you to respond to and then blow by their comment.
"How interesting."
"How odd that you think that."
"What an interesting gift choice!"
"Goodness, why would you say something like that?"
"Oh, did you need an ashtray? Let me get you one." (And then change seats.)
And then just keep talking. Over them. To anyone else.
posted by DarlingBri at 2:21 PM on September 18, 2011 [1 favorite]
I get not wanting to show how much this gets to you, but just taking the abuse is like a sign of weakness to those kind of people. Don't start a fight, but maybe you could let them know how weird their behavior is. 'That's an odd gift to make to your in-law,' 'Why would you say that?,' or a simple puzzled look might do it.
And seconding others, can you maybe find an ally for the occasional look across the table? These help.
posted by pishposh at 2:22 PM on September 18, 2011 [4 favorites]
And seconding others, can you maybe find an ally for the occasional look across the table? These help.
posted by pishposh at 2:22 PM on September 18, 2011 [4 favorites]
It's eye rolling when I speak,
"cut out the eye rolling"
mocking me under their breath
"could you repeat that please?"
or right out in the open
"So, now that you've mocked me right out in the open, do you feel more important? I hope that helped."
condescending questions,
"What?" [blank stare, turn away and resume conversation]
pushiness
"Can you say please nicely?"
makes a big production of sitting right by me and lighting a cigarette in slow motion (it's almost funny now that I think about it)
"You seem to be making a big production of sitting right by me and lighting a cigarette in slow motion. It's almost funny when I think about it."
and finally, "Boor [or whatever his name is], I absolutely will not tolerate your covert aggression one moment longer."
...etc etc.
Overall, stay out of their way. Give them the cut indirect as much as possible [ohididntseeyoulookoverthere] while affecting an aristocratic, bored pose. Do not allow any of these interactions to escalate into a fight, because he is relying on your reluctance to stand up for yourself at a family gathering for fear of escalating into a fight.
You are cool, you are polite, you are assertive, he cannot push your buttons no matter how you feel inside. You are a Terminator robot of polite assertion.
posted by tel3path at 2:23 PM on September 18, 2011 [22 favorites]
"cut out the eye rolling"
mocking me under their breath
"could you repeat that please?"
or right out in the open
"So, now that you've mocked me right out in the open, do you feel more important? I hope that helped."
condescending questions,
"What?" [blank stare, turn away and resume conversation]
pushiness
"Can you say please nicely?"
makes a big production of sitting right by me and lighting a cigarette in slow motion (it's almost funny now that I think about it)
"You seem to be making a big production of sitting right by me and lighting a cigarette in slow motion. It's almost funny when I think about it."
and finally, "Boor [or whatever his name is], I absolutely will not tolerate your covert aggression one moment longer."
...etc etc.
Overall, stay out of their way. Give them the cut indirect as much as possible [ohididntseeyoulookoverthere] while affecting an aristocratic, bored pose. Do not allow any of these interactions to escalate into a fight, because he is relying on your reluctance to stand up for yourself at a family gathering for fear of escalating into a fight.
You are cool, you are polite, you are assertive, he cannot push your buttons no matter how you feel inside. You are a Terminator robot of polite assertion.
posted by tel3path at 2:23 PM on September 18, 2011 [22 favorites]
Yeah, I wouldn't go quietly to your sibling. That will just seem like you're trying to play your sibling against his/her spouse. They may not be willing to get involved, or worse yet they may feel like they have to take the Obnoxious In-law's side against you.
You were part of the family first, dammit. Saying something publicly the next time this person disrespects you (like, I would plan ahead to say: "That comment/gift/action is disrespectful to me. Please stop treating like an inferior member of this family." Loudly.) might not stop his/her behavior, but at least it makes it everyone in your family's concern. I would hope they would back you up.
posted by daisystomper at 2:23 PM on September 18, 2011 [1 favorite]
You were part of the family first, dammit. Saying something publicly the next time this person disrespects you (like, I would plan ahead to say: "That comment/gift/action is disrespectful to me. Please stop treating like an inferior member of this family." Loudly.) might not stop his/her behavior, but at least it makes it everyone in your family's concern. I would hope they would back you up.
posted by daisystomper at 2:23 PM on September 18, 2011 [1 favorite]
I'm not good at this at all, not if the shit-head is close to someone that I care about, or is someone I care about. But -- I think you're going to have to stand up to this person. And they absolutely will discount you, and slag you, and slash at you, as soon as you do so. I think the suggestion upthread, of pouring a glass of wine/water/cool-air/whatever over his/her head is great, but you will absolutely have to bolt on your big-boy or big-girl underpants that day.
I promise you, the day that you do this will be huge in family lore for the rest of your life, also promise that there will be others in your family cheering about it, cheering you on. Shoot me an email or whatever, I'll support you in whatever way I can -- no kidding, I'll talk to you on the phone as you walk up to the door, to steady you as you face this situation; I've had friends support me in all kinds of different ways, I always welcome the chance to help anyone else stand up and claim their ground, and whether anyone in your family cheers you on or not I absolutely will.
I never stood up to my brother, not totally, never called him on things that'd happened between us in the past. It was always there, and both of us always knew that I'd let him do things that just should not be done to anyone, damn sure not a member of your family. Who was nuttier/sicker, him for doing it or me for allowing it to happen? Who was nuttier/sicker when I did allow him back in my life, him for not apologizing to me for acting like a piece of shit, or me not demanding that he do so? He died earlier this year, most all that jive still unresolved, and not good for either one of us that it wasn't.
I understand if you can't do it, I'll be glad to help you if you decide to do it. I think it needs to be done.
posted by dancestoblue at 2:27 PM on September 18, 2011 [3 favorites]
I promise you, the day that you do this will be huge in family lore for the rest of your life, also promise that there will be others in your family cheering about it, cheering you on. Shoot me an email or whatever, I'll support you in whatever way I can -- no kidding, I'll talk to you on the phone as you walk up to the door, to steady you as you face this situation; I've had friends support me in all kinds of different ways, I always welcome the chance to help anyone else stand up and claim their ground, and whether anyone in your family cheers you on or not I absolutely will.
I never stood up to my brother, not totally, never called him on things that'd happened between us in the past. It was always there, and both of us always knew that I'd let him do things that just should not be done to anyone, damn sure not a member of your family. Who was nuttier/sicker, him for doing it or me for allowing it to happen? Who was nuttier/sicker when I did allow him back in my life, him for not apologizing to me for acting like a piece of shit, or me not demanding that he do so? He died earlier this year, most all that jive still unresolved, and not good for either one of us that it wasn't.
I understand if you can't do it, I'll be glad to help you if you decide to do it. I think it needs to be done.
posted by dancestoblue at 2:27 PM on September 18, 2011 [3 favorites]
I don't agree with the suggestions to affect a bored, unfazed demeanor. People like your obnoxious in-law usually have a very incisive awareness of what is getting to people. I strongly suspect that you are a placid, decent, peaceful person who, for some reason, has fallen prey to this adult version of a sociopathic schoolyard bully, and just like kids should do when they are being bullied, you have to fight back and make it so painful for the person to bully you that they finally stop. Yes, this will require nerve and courage because (as the bully probably senses) it is not in your nature to be a fighter. I would suggest you wage your defense, every single time, with loud, open hostility, which signals a willingness to completely engage and join battle with this person. Something along the lines of "what the FUCK is your problem," or something along those lines. It needs to be fearless and over the top. It needs to signal that you are unafraid of fisticuffs (especially if you are a guy). The "withering looks," the desperate attempts to remain cool and appear above the fray are just going to signal to the bully that you are a trembling, scared, confused wreck inside, I promise you. What this person is doing to you is primal, you need to respond primally. You may be wondering "but I could never cause a disturbance at a family gathering ... It's so déclassé!". I'm really thinking your family bears a significant share of blame here for tolerating this person's abuse of you. Many families would join ranks and forcefully confront and shun an in-law who bullies one of their own. Why your family has not stepped in already is a mystery to me and makes me think that preserving the peace for the sake of everyone's comfort and social niceties should not be a major concern, because they have been negligent of their responsibilities. Anyway, I really think this should be fought openly, with a kind of shock and awe approach. It won't be fun but it may help you develop a new capacity to stand up for yourself in all kinds of situations.
posted by jayder at 2:46 PM on September 18, 2011 [15 favorites]
posted by jayder at 2:46 PM on September 18, 2011 [15 favorites]
My mother is very difficult to get along with. My husband and I visit for a weekend twice a year. We sleep off premises (safe place to vent), he coaches me beforehand to just let the crazy stuff go instead of pursuing it, when we're alone he affirms that I'm not nuts and it's not me (man, she's crazy! Who cares what she thinks?"), he reminds me to remember that, in the words of Joey from Friends, she is making a moo point (it's like a cow's opinion! it doesn't matter!).
I also find it very useful to have some rock music she would disapprove of ready to listen to at a volume she would disapprove of as I ride away, free.
Even if you're single, you can be your own coach. Find a mantra that also makes you smile inwardly, whether it's "Cow's opinion!" or "fuck you sideways with a broomstick, Chief!" it sucks. It'll be over soon.
posted by Occula at 2:48 PM on September 18, 2011 [4 favorites]
I also find it very useful to have some rock music she would disapprove of ready to listen to at a volume she would disapprove of as I ride away, free.
Even if you're single, you can be your own coach. Find a mantra that also makes you smile inwardly, whether it's "Cow's opinion!" or "fuck you sideways with a broomstick, Chief!" it sucks. It'll be over soon.
posted by Occula at 2:48 PM on September 18, 2011 [4 favorites]
I'd suggest two things:
First, proactively create opportunities to see the relatives you like without this in-law. Maybe use your vacation time and travel budget such that you don't go home for Christmas, but do visit your family when your sibling and in-law happen to be elsewhere.
Second, you say that no one in your family knows you feel this way, and I think that needs to change. I'm not saying you should gossip about your in-law or gang up on him/her with a group of relatives. I am suggesting that you choose a few people--people you know to be calm, sane, and decent--and tell them that, as much as you try to get along with the in-law, s/he has a real knack for making you feel like crap, and you find his/her behavior really upsetting. Ask for their help staying calm and polite during family events.
You may be the most sensitive to your in-law's jabs, or you might be the person s/he picks on the most, and if that's the case your trusted relatives can help you out by pulling you away from toxic conversations (something, you know, "really important" in the kitchen) or jumping in and steering the conversation in a different direction, or even just directly sticking up for you ("You know Anon just quit smoking. You need take that out to the patio, now.").
On the other hand, you might find that your other relatives feel exactly the same way, but figured they were being oversensitive or didn't want to ruin everyone's holiday dinner by speaking up. If that's the case, you might be able to band together and just stop putting up with the in-law's nonsense: "[In-law], that comment was hurtful." or "[In-law], that gift was offensive. It wasn't funny. I'm not laughing." etc. That's not ganging up on your in-law, that's establishing expectations within the family of what is and isn't decent behavior.
posted by Meg_Murry at 3:16 PM on September 18, 2011 [2 favorites]
First, proactively create opportunities to see the relatives you like without this in-law. Maybe use your vacation time and travel budget such that you don't go home for Christmas, but do visit your family when your sibling and in-law happen to be elsewhere.
Second, you say that no one in your family knows you feel this way, and I think that needs to change. I'm not saying you should gossip about your in-law or gang up on him/her with a group of relatives. I am suggesting that you choose a few people--people you know to be calm, sane, and decent--and tell them that, as much as you try to get along with the in-law, s/he has a real knack for making you feel like crap, and you find his/her behavior really upsetting. Ask for their help staying calm and polite during family events.
You may be the most sensitive to your in-law's jabs, or you might be the person s/he picks on the most, and if that's the case your trusted relatives can help you out by pulling you away from toxic conversations (something, you know, "really important" in the kitchen) or jumping in and steering the conversation in a different direction, or even just directly sticking up for you ("You know Anon just quit smoking. You need take that out to the patio, now.").
On the other hand, you might find that your other relatives feel exactly the same way, but figured they were being oversensitive or didn't want to ruin everyone's holiday dinner by speaking up. If that's the case, you might be able to band together and just stop putting up with the in-law's nonsense: "[In-law], that comment was hurtful." or "[In-law], that gift was offensive. It wasn't funny. I'm not laughing." etc. That's not ganging up on your in-law, that's establishing expectations within the family of what is and isn't decent behavior.
posted by Meg_Murry at 3:16 PM on September 18, 2011 [2 favorites]
By the way, I think that if you stand up to your in-law on your own by saying something like, "That comment was hurtful," without anyone backing you up, it would probably just add fuel to the fire. But I think that if a group of you stand up to your in-law that way, it could be effective.
posted by Meg_Murry at 3:19 PM on September 18, 2011
posted by Meg_Murry at 3:19 PM on September 18, 2011
You know, I know the good book says to do unto others as we would have them do unto us, and I can admire it, I can understand it, I can even appreciate the wisdom.
But I can't do it. I treat people the way they treat me. If they're rude to me? Guess what.
This person is a JERK to you. They're rude. That's their language. They are not going to understand politeness, ignoring them, any of this. They'll see it and interpret it as weakness, as them "winning". If you calmly look at them and tell them not to be a jerk? That's pretty direct, and pretty hard to misinterpret. Rude, yes, but they earned it.
posted by lemniskate at 3:34 PM on September 18, 2011 [2 favorites]
But I can't do it. I treat people the way they treat me. If they're rude to me? Guess what.
This person is a JERK to you. They're rude. That's their language. They are not going to understand politeness, ignoring them, any of this. They'll see it and interpret it as weakness, as them "winning". If you calmly look at them and tell them not to be a jerk? That's pretty direct, and pretty hard to misinterpret. Rude, yes, but they earned it.
posted by lemniskate at 3:34 PM on September 18, 2011 [2 favorites]
Anon, you explained the situation really well -- I felt squirmy just reading your account. She sounds absolutely awful, and yes, like a classic bully. You may not be able to do a full frontal snappy smackdown at a family gathering -- it's not easy. So you can fall back on a stock response that I've found pretty effective. No matter what she throws at you, make intense eye contact and say, in an incredulous tone, "Excuse me? Can you repeat that?" It's amazing how having to repeat something rude quickly deflates a bully. As for the behaviors (like smoking) you wouldn't believe the power of getting up, walking away, and having a pleasant chat and laugh with someone directly in her line of sight.
posted by thinkpiece at 3:37 PM on September 18, 2011 [3 favorites]
posted by thinkpiece at 3:37 PM on September 18, 2011 [3 favorites]
Wow, I'm sorry this is happening to you. This is probably what I would try to do next time this person starts in on you:
Mocks you under their breath:
You say, loudly enough for everyone to hear, "I'm sorry, Brenda, I couldn't hear you, what did you just say?" And then see what she has to say. I bet you anything she'll mutter, "nothing."
Rolls their eyes:
You say, it looks like you just rolled your eyes at what I just said. Why? And again, wait for the answer.
Says something biting or unkind:
You say, "Wow, I can't believe you just said that." And then wait. It's a tennis game and you just hit the ball back. It's his/her turn to talk and chances are, everyone is listening and waiting to hear how they respond.
I don't think you need to assume any kind of detached attitude. Just be yourself and respond in a normal tone of voice. You're not the one doing something cruel and wrong. They are, so speak up about it. If you're always calm and respectful, they'll look like the idiot that they are by being so unpleasant.
You might find it easier to do this on behalf of someone else. Like, when Jerk-in-law says something biting to Aunt Sally, you could say, calmly but loudly enough for everyone to hear, "Wow, did you really just say that to her? That is so mean. She doesn't deserve that. I think you owe her an apology."
You have to call bullies out on their behavior. Don't sink to J-I-L's level, just speak up about what is going on. All you need to do is ask, why did you just say that? They are in an indefensible position.
You should not have to dread going to family gatherings. This person is trying to rob you of something really precious and I hope you don't let it happen any more. I wish I could go with you. I'd toss back a couple of drinks and call them out. Good luck. I really hope you can put an end to this.
posted by Kangaroo at 3:41 PM on September 18, 2011 [10 favorites]
Mocks you under their breath:
You say, loudly enough for everyone to hear, "I'm sorry, Brenda, I couldn't hear you, what did you just say?" And then see what she has to say. I bet you anything she'll mutter, "nothing."
Rolls their eyes:
You say, it looks like you just rolled your eyes at what I just said. Why? And again, wait for the answer.
Says something biting or unkind:
You say, "Wow, I can't believe you just said that." And then wait. It's a tennis game and you just hit the ball back. It's his/her turn to talk and chances are, everyone is listening and waiting to hear how they respond.
I don't think you need to assume any kind of detached attitude. Just be yourself and respond in a normal tone of voice. You're not the one doing something cruel and wrong. They are, so speak up about it. If you're always calm and respectful, they'll look like the idiot that they are by being so unpleasant.
You might find it easier to do this on behalf of someone else. Like, when Jerk-in-law says something biting to Aunt Sally, you could say, calmly but loudly enough for everyone to hear, "Wow, did you really just say that to her? That is so mean. She doesn't deserve that. I think you owe her an apology."
You have to call bullies out on their behavior. Don't sink to J-I-L's level, just speak up about what is going on. All you need to do is ask, why did you just say that? They are in an indefensible position.
You should not have to dread going to family gatherings. This person is trying to rob you of something really precious and I hope you don't let it happen any more. I wish I could go with you. I'd toss back a couple of drinks and call them out. Good luck. I really hope you can put an end to this.
posted by Kangaroo at 3:41 PM on September 18, 2011 [10 favorites]
Just adding to the consensus. This is an insecure bully who makes themselves temporarily feel better about themselves by fucking with people that they're threatened by. They know when they've hit a nerve because this is what they do.
This isn't high school. Bullies no longer have the run of the place. One way or another, diplomatically or not, the bully needs to be put in their place. Maybe jesus would turn the other cheek for the rest of his days, but you're not him.
posted by tempythethird at 4:14 PM on September 18, 2011 [1 favorite]
This isn't high school. Bullies no longer have the run of the place. One way or another, diplomatically or not, the bully needs to be put in their place. Maybe jesus would turn the other cheek for the rest of his days, but you're not him.
posted by tempythethird at 4:14 PM on September 18, 2011 [1 favorite]
One point I hope you'll keep in mind: No-one has any right to treat you this way. No matter what. Even though they may be amazing and you may be lowly (and that doesn't even seem to be the case at all here — they've got no right.
Also, it's possible that when you don't let on that you're bothered you end up diminishing the value of your feelings. "I'm hurt, but it's not worth disturbing other about it.". I don't know this person or the people you see her with, but what do you think would happen if you flat out say "Hey, that hurt!". I'm guessing they'll try to trivialize your feelings "What? That hurt you? God, you're so over-sensitive.". What if you owned it? "Well, I may very well be more sensitive than other people you see. That's the way I am. Now that you know, please respect that about me.".
posted by benito.strauss at 4:27 PM on September 18, 2011
Also, it's possible that when you don't let on that you're bothered you end up diminishing the value of your feelings. "I'm hurt, but it's not worth disturbing other about it.". I don't know this person or the people you see her with, but what do you think would happen if you flat out say "Hey, that hurt!". I'm guessing they'll try to trivialize your feelings "What? That hurt you? God, you're so over-sensitive.". What if you owned it? "Well, I may very well be more sensitive than other people you see. That's the way I am. Now that you know, please respect that about me.".
posted by benito.strauss at 4:27 PM on September 18, 2011
It's a tennis game and you just hit the ball back.
I really like this way of thinking about it.
People like this are predictable enough that you can usually plan things to say. When asked a mean or indiscreet question I like to state, "You're asking me [repeat the question]" as if I am just checking to make sure they are actually asking that. And then don't answer.
posted by BibiRose at 4:45 PM on September 18, 2011 [3 favorites]
I really like this way of thinking about it.
People like this are predictable enough that you can usually plan things to say. When asked a mean or indiscreet question I like to state, "You're asking me [repeat the question]" as if I am just checking to make sure they are actually asking that. And then don't answer.
posted by BibiRose at 4:45 PM on September 18, 2011 [3 favorites]
You gotta push back at a little, right in the moment. The way you are going, you are going to become angry and resentful and disgusted with your family for letting this person walk all over you. And you would be right to think that, but I don't think you really want that outcome. Stick up for yourself!
It's true, fighting back is easier if you don't let that shit get to you, but knowing how to defend yourself will also mean you won't let stuff get to you in the first place. You gotta nullify the bullshit. Think of it as a game, a skill you're trying to improve, and this schmuck is just your sparring partner.
(I'm just going to assume this toxic person is a 'he' to avoid excruciating gender-neutral language.)
If he says something that's out of bounds, just call him on it right there and don't give any more thought to it.
When he eye-rolls or mutters, stop and ask him if he has something to say, because surely a dramatic thing like that means he's got something to say, or joke that you've only seen teenagers roll their eyes and mutter so much. I also like the phrase "a boy's best friend is his mutter."
I'm not sure what an offensive gift is, but when he asks if it was offensive, just laugh and say it was. "Of course it was offensive!" Just learn to say stuff instead of keeping it inside and eating the slight.
The cigarette thing is different. When he lights a cigarette, ask him not to do that or go somewhere else if you were there first. That's your right and this is something that you approach in a hold-the-presses kind of way that is not something within the bounds of the usual social jockeying.
And you know what? Fuckit. If he disses you in front of the family, you can always turn to your sibling, laugh, and ask, "Why did you marry this asshole?"
posted by fleacircus at 4:59 PM on September 18, 2011
It's true, fighting back is easier if you don't let that shit get to you, but knowing how to defend yourself will also mean you won't let stuff get to you in the first place. You gotta nullify the bullshit. Think of it as a game, a skill you're trying to improve, and this schmuck is just your sparring partner.
(I'm just going to assume this toxic person is a 'he' to avoid excruciating gender-neutral language.)
If he says something that's out of bounds, just call him on it right there and don't give any more thought to it.
When he eye-rolls or mutters, stop and ask him if he has something to say, because surely a dramatic thing like that means he's got something to say, or joke that you've only seen teenagers roll their eyes and mutter so much. I also like the phrase "a boy's best friend is his mutter."
I'm not sure what an offensive gift is, but when he asks if it was offensive, just laugh and say it was. "Of course it was offensive!" Just learn to say stuff instead of keeping it inside and eating the slight.
The cigarette thing is different. When he lights a cigarette, ask him not to do that or go somewhere else if you were there first. That's your right and this is something that you approach in a hold-the-presses kind of way that is not something within the bounds of the usual social jockeying.
And you know what? Fuckit. If he disses you in front of the family, you can always turn to your sibling, laugh, and ask, "Why did you marry this asshole?"
posted by fleacircus at 4:59 PM on September 18, 2011
I'll nth that you have to speak up. Not as in, get into a confrontation, but as in, "Did you really just light a cigarette next to me knowing that I just quit? That's pretty rude." Then leave the area, but not before shooting a "wtf?" glance at your sibling.
"Did your mom give you a ride?"
"Are you trying to be rude to me right now?" + glance at sibling + continue conversation
Offensive gift: glance at sibling, "is this from you, too?" + eye roll + move on
Then leave early. Next time you're invited, pointedly ask when the in-law is planning to be there. Everyone will get it and not think bad about you.
posted by ctmf at 5:25 PM on September 18, 2011
"Did your mom give you a ride?"
"Are you trying to be rude to me right now?" + glance at sibling + continue conversation
Offensive gift: glance at sibling, "is this from you, too?" + eye roll + move on
Then leave early. Next time you're invited, pointedly ask when the in-law is planning to be there. Everyone will get it and not think bad about you.
posted by ctmf at 5:25 PM on September 18, 2011
When I was in my 20s and my brother was a big asshole, I found that it really helped to remind myself of how he was likely to behave when I was on my way to my parents' house. Then, when I walked through the door and he sneered, "Hello, fatty," I could think to myself, "There he goes, doing exactly what I knew he would do." Sometimes I would even say this out loud: "Hello, Gary. You're certainly predictable." or "It's so like you to say that." It helped me psychologically--why get upset about something I knew perfectly well was going to happen? It's not like any of it was a surprise. And it helped defuse the situation because it showed him that he wasn't getting my goat, that I totally had his number, and that his attempt to have power over me had failed that time.
Thought I'd toss that out in addition to the many good suggestions up-thread.
posted by not that girl at 5:45 PM on September 18, 2011 [2 favorites]
Thought I'd toss that out in addition to the many good suggestions up-thread.
posted by not that girl at 5:45 PM on September 18, 2011 [2 favorites]
I fully understand the desire to return aggression with aggression. But I think some people are good at this - the witty comeback, the withering stare, etc. - and some people just don't feel comfortable pulling it off.
But I do think those people, who are often more sensitive, can use a tactic, that reflects their natural way of being in the world. Which is to recognize and reflect back a person's inappropriate behavior to them - not sarcastically, but with as much calmness as they can muster. Rather than react, reflect. Both their behavior, and your response.
For example -
Did you mother drive you, is an odd phrase, that isn't funny. And you can say that:
-Did your mother drive you?
-That's an odd thing to say.
-It's a joke! You're so easily offended.
-Perhaps, but jokes are funny. That was just odd.
And then shrug, and walk away.
If they light up a cigarette in slow motion near you, that's obnoxious. And attention seeking. And you can say that:
-You seem to behaving obnoxiously, and seem to need attention from me badly. Perhaps you might want to figure out why that is.
And then shrug, and walk away.
The idea isn't to pretend that you aren't annoyed. They are annoying. The idea is to consistently not focus on your response, but their behavior, and don't reward it with attention, from awkward tittering to personal attacks. This person is behaving like an emotionally stunted child, and many people don't know how to respond to that - so they minimize, or try to pretend it isn't happening, etc...... I don't think that's helpful. If he says something inappropriate, you can say, as someone suggested earlier, that it is inappropriate. If he says, "I hope I'm not offending you"....well, personally, the next obvious question in my mind is to ask him, "And how would you respond if you were? I'm just curious." .....because personally, I really would be curious.
The point isn't to get into fights, or 'publicly standing up for yourself to a bully'. It's just to reflect a person's poor behavior, and then move along. Don't feed the trolls. You aren't making any point by physically standing your ground. That's like making a point to a mosquito that you WILL NOT BE MOVED, when it comes over to bite you. Seriously - just reflect the person's behavior back to them, and if they continue to stand next to you being obnoxious, either invite the person who you were talking to somewhere else - like a let's go get a drink from the kitchen sort of a thing - or nod nicely at the person you were speaking to and tell them you'll catch them later.
You also have the option to ignore whatever obnoxious comment they say, and return to the conversation at hand. They are trying to hijack the conversation with attention getting behavior. You have a choice in how you respond to it. So just comment on their behavior and return to what you were doing. Something like:
-Did your mother drive you?
-I'm not sure why that is relevant. As I was saying, I went to the beach yesterday.....
-Did I offend you?
-You did, but you seem to offend lots of people, so it's neither here nor there. As I was saying, Susan.......
I haven't found people who do engage in bullying behavior be able to withstand a sustained response of reflecting back their behavior/verbalizing your thoughts and returning to the conversation. They tend to try to escalate, but repeatedly reflecting back, "you seem to be attention seeking, you seem unaware of why your comment is inappropriate, etc., etc." once again, doesn't focus on your reaction, but their behavior, which is often uncomfortable for them. I've found that people don't know how to get out of the tailspin, which is why they escalate, which is why it's okay for you to shrug, and move away from the person. It's sometimes the most graceful thing you can do.
posted by anitanita at 5:45 PM on September 18, 2011 [9 favorites]
But I do think those people, who are often more sensitive, can use a tactic, that reflects their natural way of being in the world. Which is to recognize and reflect back a person's inappropriate behavior to them - not sarcastically, but with as much calmness as they can muster. Rather than react, reflect. Both their behavior, and your response.
For example -
Did you mother drive you, is an odd phrase, that isn't funny. And you can say that:
-Did your mother drive you?
-That's an odd thing to say.
-It's a joke! You're so easily offended.
-Perhaps, but jokes are funny. That was just odd.
And then shrug, and walk away.
If they light up a cigarette in slow motion near you, that's obnoxious. And attention seeking. And you can say that:
-You seem to behaving obnoxiously, and seem to need attention from me badly. Perhaps you might want to figure out why that is.
And then shrug, and walk away.
The idea isn't to pretend that you aren't annoyed. They are annoying. The idea is to consistently not focus on your response, but their behavior, and don't reward it with attention, from awkward tittering to personal attacks. This person is behaving like an emotionally stunted child, and many people don't know how to respond to that - so they minimize, or try to pretend it isn't happening, etc...... I don't think that's helpful. If he says something inappropriate, you can say, as someone suggested earlier, that it is inappropriate. If he says, "I hope I'm not offending you"....well, personally, the next obvious question in my mind is to ask him, "And how would you respond if you were? I'm just curious." .....because personally, I really would be curious.
The point isn't to get into fights, or 'publicly standing up for yourself to a bully'. It's just to reflect a person's poor behavior, and then move along. Don't feed the trolls. You aren't making any point by physically standing your ground. That's like making a point to a mosquito that you WILL NOT BE MOVED, when it comes over to bite you. Seriously - just reflect the person's behavior back to them, and if they continue to stand next to you being obnoxious, either invite the person who you were talking to somewhere else - like a let's go get a drink from the kitchen sort of a thing - or nod nicely at the person you were speaking to and tell them you'll catch them later.
You also have the option to ignore whatever obnoxious comment they say, and return to the conversation at hand. They are trying to hijack the conversation with attention getting behavior. You have a choice in how you respond to it. So just comment on their behavior and return to what you were doing. Something like:
-Did your mother drive you?
-I'm not sure why that is relevant. As I was saying, I went to the beach yesterday.....
-Did I offend you?
-You did, but you seem to offend lots of people, so it's neither here nor there. As I was saying, Susan.......
I haven't found people who do engage in bullying behavior be able to withstand a sustained response of reflecting back their behavior/verbalizing your thoughts and returning to the conversation. They tend to try to escalate, but repeatedly reflecting back, "you seem to be attention seeking, you seem unaware of why your comment is inappropriate, etc., etc." once again, doesn't focus on your reaction, but their behavior, which is often uncomfortable for them. I've found that people don't know how to get out of the tailspin, which is why they escalate, which is why it's okay for you to shrug, and move away from the person. It's sometimes the most graceful thing you can do.
posted by anitanita at 5:45 PM on September 18, 2011 [9 favorites]
I know you don't want InlawJerk to know that InlawJerk is "getting" to you and that's why you are looking for ways of getting through this, but not reacting at all is not the same thing as not letting it get to you. Not reacting causes jerks like InlawJerk to escalate.
You don't need a mental way of shutting your eyes and tolerating this rudeness; you need to shift your perspective about your right to civil interaction from everyone, including family. The responses suggested in this thread largely convey an attitude that InLaw is behaving obnoxiously. The problem is InLaw's, not yours. Distance yourself emotionally...observe and comment on his behavior, but practice reacting with a withering, head-shaking bored or mildly curious posture.
posted by Jezebella at 6:04 PM on September 18, 2011
You don't need a mental way of shutting your eyes and tolerating this rudeness; you need to shift your perspective about your right to civil interaction from everyone, including family. The responses suggested in this thread largely convey an attitude that InLaw is behaving obnoxiously. The problem is InLaw's, not yours. Distance yourself emotionally...observe and comment on his behavior, but practice reacting with a withering, head-shaking bored or mildly curious posture.
posted by Jezebella at 6:04 PM on September 18, 2011
Ohhhhh, call them out. Call them out, call them out, call them out.
Ask them flat out, "What is THAT supposed to mean?" For a muttered comment, ask pointedly, "Scuse me? Wanna repeat that?" And if they roll their eyes or fail to respond, I'd smirk and reply "Didn't think so," and if they repeated what they said audibly, "Well, bless your heart," as flatly as you can. For that whole cigarette thing, I would call out to someone that is your closest familial ally (not your sibling), while gesturing towards the passive-aggressive snot, "Is this not the most disgusting behavior you've seen this week?" Suffering in silence means that you don't want to rock the boat, and you're happy to allow this crap to continue.
If your (admittedly hostile) response gets a confrontational response out of hir, GOOD. Use it to clear the air, if you can, or at least to get other family members to realize just how cray cray Spouse is.
If Sibling is the one that calls you out, all you have to say is, "Sibling, I love you, and I really want to like Spouse. But Spouse is treating me in a way that is absolutely unacceptable to me. I am more than willing to give Spouse another shot, as long as Spouse is willing to engage with me in a respectful, adult manner. Until Spouse is ready to do that, I'm not going to put up with hir crap."
posted by mornie_alantie at 6:04 PM on September 18, 2011
Ask them flat out, "What is THAT supposed to mean?" For a muttered comment, ask pointedly, "Scuse me? Wanna repeat that?" And if they roll their eyes or fail to respond, I'd smirk and reply "Didn't think so," and if they repeated what they said audibly, "Well, bless your heart," as flatly as you can. For that whole cigarette thing, I would call out to someone that is your closest familial ally (not your sibling), while gesturing towards the passive-aggressive snot, "Is this not the most disgusting behavior you've seen this week?" Suffering in silence means that you don't want to rock the boat, and you're happy to allow this crap to continue.
If your (admittedly hostile) response gets a confrontational response out of hir, GOOD. Use it to clear the air, if you can, or at least to get other family members to realize just how cray cray Spouse is.
If Sibling is the one that calls you out, all you have to say is, "Sibling, I love you, and I really want to like Spouse. But Spouse is treating me in a way that is absolutely unacceptable to me. I am more than willing to give Spouse another shot, as long as Spouse is willing to engage with me in a respectful, adult manner. Until Spouse is ready to do that, I'm not going to put up with hir crap."
posted by mornie_alantie at 6:04 PM on September 18, 2011
Oh, and I forgot. When you get offensive gifts from this person? And zie starts going on with the "I hope I didn't offend you!!!" Just hand them back the gift, and say, "Actually, you did. You keep it." You have to reinforce that this behavior is unacceptable at every turn if you want them to start changing.
posted by mornie_alantie at 6:10 PM on September 18, 2011 [3 favorites]
posted by mornie_alantie at 6:10 PM on September 18, 2011 [3 favorites]
See, I'm the kind of person nobody fucks with because the whiff of shit like this and I put folks in their place. At some point, I realized I liked my self-respect and dignity more than I cared about what The other person or by-standers think about me. I need to be able to look myself in the eye at the end of the day. That is all.
I feel like this person fucks with you because you've demonstrated you are an easy target.
It might not happen with this person in this situation, and you'll be clumsy the first 300 times you try it, but you really have to give yourself permission to stick up for yourself in general.
There is a force inside of you that doesn't seek to trample others, but won't let you getting trampled, either. Dig deep. Find it. Start practicing using it.
I'm better a underlying shift in your demeanor will eventually back this person off and they'll move on to someone else. But that won't happen until you find your voice and start using it.
Good luck.
posted by jbenben at 6:30 PM on September 18, 2011 [2 favorites]
I feel like this person fucks with you because you've demonstrated you are an easy target.
It might not happen with this person in this situation, and you'll be clumsy the first 300 times you try it, but you really have to give yourself permission to stick up for yourself in general.
There is a force inside of you that doesn't seek to trample others, but won't let you getting trampled, either. Dig deep. Find it. Start practicing using it.
I'm better a underlying shift in your demeanor will eventually back this person off and they'll move on to someone else. But that won't happen until you find your voice and start using it.
Good luck.
posted by jbenben at 6:30 PM on September 18, 2011 [2 favorites]
I know assholes sometimes use this as an excuse, but sometimes it's true, too. Maybe the in-law likes you. Like, has a crush on you, likes you. And they haven't developed past the high-school mentality that teasingly being rude to you is uh, funny or something, and you'd like the attention? And besides they don't know what else to do because they have no conversation skills? (I never understood that whole ...thing, but there is no question that there are people like this. I used to see it all the time with the young sailors when we first got women on ships.)
They lit the cigarette in slow motion because you were supposed to say, "wtf are you doing?" and then they could grin and say "haha, just fucking with you" and then you'd all laugh and bond or whatever like a sitcom.
posted by ctmf at 6:33 PM on September 18, 2011 [1 favorite]
They lit the cigarette in slow motion because you were supposed to say, "wtf are you doing?" and then they could grin and say "haha, just fucking with you" and then you'd all laugh and bond or whatever like a sitcom.
posted by ctmf at 6:33 PM on September 18, 2011 [1 favorite]
Also, good point above --
Where is your family in all of this?
I too am miffed why they haven't put this person in his place. So sorry, OP.
posted by jbenben at 6:34 PM on September 18, 2011
Where is your family in all of this?
I too am miffed why they haven't put this person in his place. So sorry, OP.
posted by jbenben at 6:34 PM on September 18, 2011
If I got a crap gift for Christmas, I'd either hand it back silently, or if really it's really offensive, calmly and silently walk to the nearest garbage can. If she responded at all, I'd flatly say, 'I was offended.' and start another conversation.
But that's me. I certainly hope you aren't bothering to give her anything. Save your money for family and friends. Or if you feel that would bother your sibling, give a gift addressed to them both (with her name last, of course.)
I'm in the totally ignoring her crowd. Whatever she says, look at her, then go back to your original story or conversation. When she escalates, I'd look at her again without speaking, quietly say excuse me to the others, and walk away from all of it. If you're in the middle of speaking to other people and feel that's uncomfortable rude, just say I'll talk to you later. If she persists or follows you into another room, I'd leave. If someone else questions you, just say you refuse to be insulted or engage with her until she acts civil.
What I came here to say was to be prepared for her to get much, much worse before she gets better. People like this figure if they escalate, you'll be bound to back down, since it took you so long to respond to begin with.
She may feel she's winning or chasing you away, but who gives a damn. Refuse to engage, and eventually the fun will run out for her.
posted by BlueHorse at 6:44 PM on September 18, 2011 [2 favorites]
But that's me. I certainly hope you aren't bothering to give her anything. Save your money for family and friends. Or if you feel that would bother your sibling, give a gift addressed to them both (with her name last, of course.)
I'm in the totally ignoring her crowd. Whatever she says, look at her, then go back to your original story or conversation. When she escalates, I'd look at her again without speaking, quietly say excuse me to the others, and walk away from all of it. If you're in the middle of speaking to other people and feel that's uncomfortable rude, just say I'll talk to you later. If she persists or follows you into another room, I'd leave. If someone else questions you, just say you refuse to be insulted or engage with her until she acts civil.
What I came here to say was to be prepared for her to get much, much worse before she gets better. People like this figure if they escalate, you'll be bound to back down, since it took you so long to respond to begin with.
She may feel she's winning or chasing you away, but who gives a damn. Refuse to engage, and eventually the fun will run out for her.
posted by BlueHorse at 6:44 PM on September 18, 2011 [2 favorites]
Two stock phrases have always helped me deal with people like this:
1. When something rude, mocking, or offensive is said to me by someone in private, I look at them like they've grown two heads and say, "What a strange thing to say!" as if they've just told me they gave birth to a litter of purple monkeys or enjoy bowling in jello while listening to Frank Sinatra. I then walk away or abruptly change the subject. If they persist, I use other non-starters such as, "Whatever could you mean?" or "I really have no idea," both delivered with a shrug or shake of the head.
2. When something rude, mocking, or offensive is said to me in front of others, I give them a blatantly patronizing false smile and say, "Now, [name], such petty meanness is so unlike you. Show everyone you can do better!" This publicly outs them as a spiteful ass. If they laugh it off, they've lost. If they continue being cruel, it's now been pointed out to everyone else, who'll be paying special attention to whatever they say next. If their response is mean or sarcastic, I usually just hit them with a dose of "What a strange thing to say" and then begin talking to someone else about something unrelated.
I've had less success than others in this thread with putting people in their place. I have plenty of backbone, but I'd rather not be openly cruel myself and I avoid verbal confrontations that seem likely to devolve into shouting matches or insult-trading. Doing that only makes me feel worse. The strategies above, for me at least, have been more helpful in the long term. Whatever you choose to do, good luck - I sympathize with your situation.
posted by pecanpies at 6:47 PM on September 18, 2011 [2 favorites]
1. When something rude, mocking, or offensive is said to me by someone in private, I look at them like they've grown two heads and say, "What a strange thing to say!" as if they've just told me they gave birth to a litter of purple monkeys or enjoy bowling in jello while listening to Frank Sinatra. I then walk away or abruptly change the subject. If they persist, I use other non-starters such as, "Whatever could you mean?" or "I really have no idea," both delivered with a shrug or shake of the head.
2. When something rude, mocking, or offensive is said to me in front of others, I give them a blatantly patronizing false smile and say, "Now, [name], such petty meanness is so unlike you. Show everyone you can do better!" This publicly outs them as a spiteful ass. If they laugh it off, they've lost. If they continue being cruel, it's now been pointed out to everyone else, who'll be paying special attention to whatever they say next. If their response is mean or sarcastic, I usually just hit them with a dose of "What a strange thing to say" and then begin talking to someone else about something unrelated.
I've had less success than others in this thread with putting people in their place. I have plenty of backbone, but I'd rather not be openly cruel myself and I avoid verbal confrontations that seem likely to devolve into shouting matches or insult-trading. Doing that only makes me feel worse. The strategies above, for me at least, have been more helpful in the long term. Whatever you choose to do, good luck - I sympathize with your situation.
posted by pecanpies at 6:47 PM on September 18, 2011 [2 favorites]
I like to answer rude comments with a moment of silence, followed by a calm and gentle, "You have some food in your teeth." It puts the commenter off balance and redirects them a bit.
Also fun: if they pull another stunt later, the moment of silence can include you staring at their mouth. You won't even need to say anything.
posted by Sallyfur at 7:37 PM on September 18, 2011 [9 favorites]
Also fun: if they pull another stunt later, the moment of silence can include you staring at their mouth. You won't even need to say anything.
posted by Sallyfur at 7:37 PM on September 18, 2011 [9 favorites]
I feel for you anon, because I come from a similarly difficult background. It’s incredibly frustrating and hurtful.
Your in-law sounds remarkably like my sibling.
I’ve tried some of the tactics mentioned here, and perhaps in a less toxic relationship they would work. For me though, acting above it all and responding in kind only made it worse. I tried getting up and walking away only to hear ‘Well, that didn’t take long!’ as my sibling laughed and laughed at their success in driving me out of the room.
Bullies know when they’re getting to you - that’s why they’re so damn good at it. It’s obvious when you’re pretending they don’t bother you, because their behavior would bother anyone. It’s meant to. They’re treating you like shit, it’s deliberate and they know it. Acting ‘above it’ only shows them that it’s working and rewards their efforts. As far as beating them at their own game, no. Being horrible is where they’re a ninja. If it’s not in your nature to treat people that way don’t bother trying to out asshole an asshole.
When I realized my sibling absolutely lived for this drama (and fake peace was more important to my family than my real feelings) I was finally done. For me, that meant estrangement. Since that’s not an option for you - and it’s only once a year - I suggest you stop ignoring your in-law’s behavior. By not saying anything, your in-law gets plausible deniability, your family gets out of dealing with it and you pay the price. Half of what's crazy making about these kinds of situations is no one admitting what's actually going on. For your own well-being, that can’t continue.
So absolutely acknowledge what’s happening, no matter who is there. You don’t have to make a scene, but refuse to quietly suffer. Limit your interaction as much as possible, but call them out calmly and directly every time they do something insulting:
I saw you roll your eyes at me.
I can’t hear you when you mutter.
That question is condescending.
This is the non-smoking section.
You know your gift is offensive.
I don’t believe this will change your in-law’s behavior, but it will signal to you and others around you that this behavior is no longer acceptable. They can say and do what they want, but you won’t engage with their nonsense or quietly let it pass. Speaking up on your own behalf, especially when no one else will, is a great way to walk away from a toxic situation with your head held up.
Good luck to you – no one should have to put up with this, least of all from family.
posted by Space Kitty at 8:01 PM on September 18, 2011 [6 favorites]
Your in-law sounds remarkably like my sibling.
I’ve tried some of the tactics mentioned here, and perhaps in a less toxic relationship they would work. For me though, acting above it all and responding in kind only made it worse. I tried getting up and walking away only to hear ‘Well, that didn’t take long!’ as my sibling laughed and laughed at their success in driving me out of the room.
Bullies know when they’re getting to you - that’s why they’re so damn good at it. It’s obvious when you’re pretending they don’t bother you, because their behavior would bother anyone. It’s meant to. They’re treating you like shit, it’s deliberate and they know it. Acting ‘above it’ only shows them that it’s working and rewards their efforts. As far as beating them at their own game, no. Being horrible is where they’re a ninja. If it’s not in your nature to treat people that way don’t bother trying to out asshole an asshole.
When I realized my sibling absolutely lived for this drama (and fake peace was more important to my family than my real feelings) I was finally done. For me, that meant estrangement. Since that’s not an option for you - and it’s only once a year - I suggest you stop ignoring your in-law’s behavior. By not saying anything, your in-law gets plausible deniability, your family gets out of dealing with it and you pay the price. Half of what's crazy making about these kinds of situations is no one admitting what's actually going on. For your own well-being, that can’t continue.
So absolutely acknowledge what’s happening, no matter who is there. You don’t have to make a scene, but refuse to quietly suffer. Limit your interaction as much as possible, but call them out calmly and directly every time they do something insulting:
I saw you roll your eyes at me.
I can’t hear you when you mutter.
That question is condescending.
This is the non-smoking section.
You know your gift is offensive.
I don’t believe this will change your in-law’s behavior, but it will signal to you and others around you that this behavior is no longer acceptable. They can say and do what they want, but you won’t engage with their nonsense or quietly let it pass. Speaking up on your own behalf, especially when no one else will, is a great way to walk away from a toxic situation with your head held up.
Good luck to you – no one should have to put up with this, least of all from family.
posted by Space Kitty at 8:01 PM on September 18, 2011 [6 favorites]
And if it is any consolation...
Happy People Don't Do Bad Things.
Your in-law does Bad Things.
So, consider that!
posted by jbenben at 9:03 PM on September 18, 2011 [2 favorites]
Happy People Don't Do Bad Things.
Your in-law does Bad Things.
So, consider that!
posted by jbenben at 9:03 PM on September 18, 2011 [2 favorites]
I'm guessing there is a strong cultural component at work here which does not allow you to call this person out or use some of the stronger language suggested above.
I'm also guessing (but I'm less sure about this) that there is a gender difference?
In any case you are probably younger than your sibling and if my guess about the cultural issue is accurate your only hope is to band together with the others in the family that this person has denigrated in the past and actively engage them in strategies to draw attention to how boorish this individual is.
For example, you can e-mail, skype them more regularly and sympathise with them on "that occassion when X said Y to you" tell them you're sorry you didn't say anything but that your've been feeling very uncomortable and wished there was more that you could to to support them..... build a relationship.
The ultimate aim is to have 3-5 strong supporters at the next family event. All of you agree in advance that what he does to one, he does to all, and you will have worked out your reactions in advance.
So when he sidles up and slowly starts to light a cigarette, one of them calls you away, if he mutters something under his breath, all five at the same time say "what?" a little more loudly than you would normally, if he says something sarcastic or denigrating all five stop their individial movements/other convesations/eating whatever and just turn and stare at him with a perplexed or confused look.
This person for whatver cultural reasons has been allowed to get away with this behavior and the only way through is if a significant small group within the family act as if this is not acceptable behaviour. At very least you will get a sense of belonging once again and making connections with family members who also may need the same kind of support. It can even become a bit of a game and the enjoyment factor or the fun part may take SOME of the sting out of his crass boorishness.
But he must not see you interacting in any way other than normal, you should behave as you always have up to know with these supporters just with the rehearsed SAME RESPONSE to the different types of unacceptable behaviour. If enough of you do it, other family members will be made more aware and may even feel there is safety in numbers and come to your assistance.
posted by Wilder at 8:11 AM on September 19, 2011 [1 favorite]
I'm also guessing (but I'm less sure about this) that there is a gender difference?
In any case you are probably younger than your sibling and if my guess about the cultural issue is accurate your only hope is to band together with the others in the family that this person has denigrated in the past and actively engage them in strategies to draw attention to how boorish this individual is.
For example, you can e-mail, skype them more regularly and sympathise with them on "that occassion when X said Y to you" tell them you're sorry you didn't say anything but that your've been feeling very uncomortable and wished there was more that you could to to support them..... build a relationship.
The ultimate aim is to have 3-5 strong supporters at the next family event. All of you agree in advance that what he does to one, he does to all, and you will have worked out your reactions in advance.
So when he sidles up and slowly starts to light a cigarette, one of them calls you away, if he mutters something under his breath, all five at the same time say "what?" a little more loudly than you would normally, if he says something sarcastic or denigrating all five stop their individial movements/other convesations/eating whatever and just turn and stare at him with a perplexed or confused look.
This person for whatver cultural reasons has been allowed to get away with this behavior and the only way through is if a significant small group within the family act as if this is not acceptable behaviour. At very least you will get a sense of belonging once again and making connections with family members who also may need the same kind of support. It can even become a bit of a game and the enjoyment factor or the fun part may take SOME of the sting out of his crass boorishness.
But he must not see you interacting in any way other than normal, you should behave as you always have up to know with these supporters just with the rehearsed SAME RESPONSE to the different types of unacceptable behaviour. If enough of you do it, other family members will be made more aware and may even feel there is safety in numbers and come to your assistance.
posted by Wilder at 8:11 AM on September 19, 2011 [1 favorite]
If you can get family to support you, great, but don't be too crushed if they don't. They may feel the exact same way you do, but in these situations a lot of times people don't step up for whatever reason. Then you wind up feeling as hurt (or more so) by that failure to defend you than by the original behavior. And I have no idea why people let this kind of thing slide except that maybe the offender's personality is so bad that it's just widely considered hopeless to try to fix it. This person you are dealing with does sound like a damaged individual who is more to be pitied than anything else-- although I'm not denying how much people like that can hurt you in the moment.
posted by BibiRose at 11:30 AM on September 19, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by BibiRose at 11:30 AM on September 19, 2011 [1 favorite]
There is a lot of good advice here. I'll add my two cents - I just spent a year in session for dealing with people like this.
1. Don't ask your sibling to to intervene on your behalf. It won't help.*
2. Address each infraction, head-on. Politely, directly and calmly. You know it's coming; expect it. Be ready. And do not wait for later. Right there, handle it.
3a. Ignoring the behavior will encourage it. Don't ignore it.
3b. Ironically, remaining calm will escalate the behavior. In-law will escalate, looking to provoke a reaction. Eventually, it will stop, but only when in-law realizes it cannot provoke you. That could be a long time.
4. You really have to remain calm, not just control yourself. Remember that your in-law has a right to be an asshole. That's who in-law is. You can't change that.
5. Don't dwell on the anticipated escalation. You don't want to get yourself wound up and find yourself becoming upset. Tell yourself you are calm. Visualize calmness, or a scene that brings serenity. It's a form of meditation.
tel3path's advice is good, it's nice to visualize potential scenarios and your response. These are the kind of responses I'd suggest, per item 2 in the list.
*really, don't put sibling in this position. You'll set them up for failure. Asshole in-law also treats your sibling like this, in private. Sibling needs your support, not the other way around. Be a role model.
"You are a Terminator robot of polite assertion". That one ranks up there with "special snowflake".
posted by Xoebe at 2:17 PM on September 19, 2011 [4 favorites]
1. Don't ask your sibling to to intervene on your behalf. It won't help.*
2. Address each infraction, head-on. Politely, directly and calmly. You know it's coming; expect it. Be ready. And do not wait for later. Right there, handle it.
3a. Ignoring the behavior will encourage it. Don't ignore it.
3b. Ironically, remaining calm will escalate the behavior. In-law will escalate, looking to provoke a reaction. Eventually, it will stop, but only when in-law realizes it cannot provoke you. That could be a long time.
4. You really have to remain calm, not just control yourself. Remember that your in-law has a right to be an asshole. That's who in-law is. You can't change that.
5. Don't dwell on the anticipated escalation. You don't want to get yourself wound up and find yourself becoming upset. Tell yourself you are calm. Visualize calmness, or a scene that brings serenity. It's a form of meditation.
tel3path's advice is good, it's nice to visualize potential scenarios and your response. These are the kind of responses I'd suggest, per item 2 in the list.
*really, don't put sibling in this position. You'll set them up for failure. Asshole in-law also treats your sibling like this, in private. Sibling needs your support, not the other way around. Be a role model.
"You are a Terminator robot of polite assertion". That one ranks up there with "special snowflake".
posted by Xoebe at 2:17 PM on September 19, 2011 [4 favorites]
I'd like to add; Space Kitty's comment is spot-on, as well. The horrible-bully-ninja metaphor is absolutely perfect. This is why you don't engage them in tit-for-tat. It's a game they want you to play, because it's a game they'll win.
Also, the numerous suggestions by several folks of things to say, such as "What a strange thing to say..." Use those. It's part of visualizing and being prepared.
In a less serious vein, I really would like to be a fly on the wall at that family gathering. Or really, be there in person. Holidays with my family is verbal judo. We love each other, but there is little tolerance for foolishness.
posted by Xoebe at 2:30 PM on September 19, 2011 [1 favorite]
Also, the numerous suggestions by several folks of things to say, such as "What a strange thing to say..." Use those. It's part of visualizing and being prepared.
In a less serious vein, I really would like to be a fly on the wall at that family gathering. Or really, be there in person. Holidays with my family is verbal judo. We love each other, but there is little tolerance for foolishness.
posted by Xoebe at 2:30 PM on September 19, 2011 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by krilli at 1:46 PM on September 18, 2011 [1 favorite]