I put on this facade of being nonchalant and detached when I'm around this person I'm dating. Why do I do this, and how do I stop? Confusing details inside.
September 17, 2011 2:35 PM Subscribe
I put on this facade of being nonchalant and detached when I'm around this person I'm dating. Why do I do this, and how do I stop?
I've been dating this guy for about two months now, and, for a variety of reasons, I still don't really feel comfortable around him. More specifically, I don't really feel comfortable around him when we're not either making out or having sex. The physical stuff comes naturally for us, but it seems like nothing else does (or so it seems to me--it doesn't seem to bother him as much). Recently, he told me that I give off a vibe that's cold and brusque and that it's off-putting. I wasn't really surprised because I knew that I was acting this way around him, but now that he's pointed it out, I've realized just how stupid it is, and I want to stop doing it.
Let me clarify a few things first. I don't withhold physical affection--that's not what I mean by being detached and nonchalant. Here are some examples of things that I'll do/say:
1- He'll ask me a question, like "what would you like to do later?" And I'll say, "whatever, I don't really care."
2- He'll say something sweet, and I'll roll my eyes.
I can't really think of any other specific examples off the top of my head, but you get the idea.
So why do I do this? This is what I think. I don't really feel that comfortable around him, and I'm often not sure how to act around him. My feelings for him are complicated, confusing, and somewhat threatening. I'm not sure what is going on between us--are we dating? Is it just casual sex? Is this going somewhere? And I feel like I don't really know him (which is kind of the same thing as not really feeling comfortable around him, I guess). Because of all of the above, I default to a self-protective mode, which, for some reason, the irrational part of my brain thinks is pretending to be nonchalant and cold and, evidently, brusque.
I know that my behavior is irrational, counterproductive, and pointless. It's not as if by pretending not to care, I could actually make myself not care. And it's clearly not helping our relationship. But I don't know how to stop. It's really easy for me to analyze everything right now, but I know that the next time I see him, I'm going to feel compelled to hide again. What am I hiding from? Am I just crazy?
I've been dating this guy for about two months now, and, for a variety of reasons, I still don't really feel comfortable around him. More specifically, I don't really feel comfortable around him when we're not either making out or having sex. The physical stuff comes naturally for us, but it seems like nothing else does (or so it seems to me--it doesn't seem to bother him as much). Recently, he told me that I give off a vibe that's cold and brusque and that it's off-putting. I wasn't really surprised because I knew that I was acting this way around him, but now that he's pointed it out, I've realized just how stupid it is, and I want to stop doing it.
Let me clarify a few things first. I don't withhold physical affection--that's not what I mean by being detached and nonchalant. Here are some examples of things that I'll do/say:
1- He'll ask me a question, like "what would you like to do later?" And I'll say, "whatever, I don't really care."
2- He'll say something sweet, and I'll roll my eyes.
I can't really think of any other specific examples off the top of my head, but you get the idea.
So why do I do this? This is what I think. I don't really feel that comfortable around him, and I'm often not sure how to act around him. My feelings for him are complicated, confusing, and somewhat threatening. I'm not sure what is going on between us--are we dating? Is it just casual sex? Is this going somewhere? And I feel like I don't really know him (which is kind of the same thing as not really feeling comfortable around him, I guess). Because of all of the above, I default to a self-protective mode, which, for some reason, the irrational part of my brain thinks is pretending to be nonchalant and cold and, evidently, brusque.
I know that my behavior is irrational, counterproductive, and pointless. It's not as if by pretending not to care, I could actually make myself not care. And it's clearly not helping our relationship. But I don't know how to stop. It's really easy for me to analyze everything right now, but I know that the next time I see him, I'm going to feel compelled to hide again. What am I hiding from? Am I just crazy?
This is a trap that my sister and a lot of her friends fall into. I think at the root of it is the fact that from the very first meeting, they feel like they have to put on a show for the guy -- projecting some perfect version of themselves that they hope will snag his interest. And in the cases where that actually seems to have worked, they then begin to imagine that they'll lose him if they drop the facade. So they keep it going, terrified that if they act "normal" around him, they'll shatter the illusion and he'll lose interest. They don't trust that the guys actually like them as people, so they avoid being themselves at all costs.
In one case this resulted in my sister dating a guy for six months without him ever seeing the inside of her apartment.
Really I think that this is like the least charitable way of responding to someone's attention. Guys aren't stupid, they see more than just the glitter you throw in their eyes. If I was the guy in this situation, I'd feel insulted that I wasn't worthy of being around the "real you," as if you were saving it for someone else, someone better. Which is unattractive. Wouldn't you rather get dumped by a loser for being yourself, rather than by a nice guy because you were too afraid of letting down your guard?
So yes, what xingcat said -- fear of rejection. I think you need to experiment with taking off your armor.
posted by hermitosis at 2:48 PM on September 17, 2011 [8 favorites]
In one case this resulted in my sister dating a guy for six months without him ever seeing the inside of her apartment.
Really I think that this is like the least charitable way of responding to someone's attention. Guys aren't stupid, they see more than just the glitter you throw in their eyes. If I was the guy in this situation, I'd feel insulted that I wasn't worthy of being around the "real you," as if you were saving it for someone else, someone better. Which is unattractive. Wouldn't you rather get dumped by a loser for being yourself, rather than by a nice guy because you were too afraid of letting down your guard?
So yes, what xingcat said -- fear of rejection. I think you need to experiment with taking off your armor.
posted by hermitosis at 2:48 PM on September 17, 2011 [8 favorites]
Yeah, it's fear of rejection. Plus the uncertainty of what your relationship means.
However, he has said this to you:
Recently, he told me that I give off a vibe that's cold and brusque and that it's off-putting.
I would take that as your cue to relax, know he likes you, and wants to get closer to you.
posted by mleigh at 2:51 PM on September 17, 2011 [2 favorites]
However, he has said this to you:
Recently, he told me that I give off a vibe that's cold and brusque and that it's off-putting.
I would take that as your cue to relax, know he likes you, and wants to get closer to you.
posted by mleigh at 2:51 PM on September 17, 2011 [2 favorites]
I notice that you repeat several times that you're not comfortable around him. I would listen to your gut and move on.
posted by brujita at 3:14 PM on September 17, 2011
posted by brujita at 3:14 PM on September 17, 2011
I don't really feel that comfortable around him, and I'm often not sure how to act around him.
I'm sure I'm old-fashioned, but this is a sign to stop having sex. If you can't be who you really are when you're vertical and fully clothed, I think it's a warning. If you really want him to like you, and you're guarding your heart in case he doesn't like you as much as you like him--so guard the rest of yourself, too.
Robertson Davies wrote that chastity is having the body in the soul's keeping, and I think he's wise. Yes, I'm sure all your parts work and respond to his parts and touch, but your heart needs to respond, too.
posted by Ideefixe at 3:19 PM on September 17, 2011 [6 favorites]
I'm sure I'm old-fashioned, but this is a sign to stop having sex. If you can't be who you really are when you're vertical and fully clothed, I think it's a warning. If you really want him to like you, and you're guarding your heart in case he doesn't like you as much as you like him--so guard the rest of yourself, too.
Robertson Davies wrote that chastity is having the body in the soul's keeping, and I think he's wise. Yes, I'm sure all your parts work and respond to his parts and touch, but your heart needs to respond, too.
posted by Ideefixe at 3:19 PM on September 17, 2011 [6 favorites]
I'm not sure what is going on between us--are we dating? Is it just casual sex? Is this going somewhere?
Have you communicated with him about these issues?
posted by John Cohen at 3:47 PM on September 17, 2011 [1 favorite]
Have you communicated with him about these issues?
posted by John Cohen at 3:47 PM on September 17, 2011 [1 favorite]
*Do* you actually like him, besides for sex?
It's ok not to, but you should ask yourself that question. All the eye-rolling and "not being comfortable" stuff kind of sounds like you're just not very into him. Whether you want just sex, a relationship, or none of the above, you get a say in that decision.
But you should think about what you actually want and if you actually like him at all. That's the best way to be fair to him and yourself.
posted by drjimmy11 at 4:42 PM on September 17, 2011
It's ok not to, but you should ask yourself that question. All the eye-rolling and "not being comfortable" stuff kind of sounds like you're just not very into him. Whether you want just sex, a relationship, or none of the above, you get a say in that decision.
But you should think about what you actually want and if you actually like him at all. That's the best way to be fair to him and yourself.
posted by drjimmy11 at 4:42 PM on September 17, 2011
I felt that way around someone I was dating once. Physically things were good, but apart from that I felt uncomfortable. It didn't last. I don't know whether it was because we liked each other and were just kind of nervous, or because we didn't have that much in common and just weren't compatible -- but I do wish I'd tried to talk with her about it.
posted by J. Wilson at 4:45 PM on September 17, 2011
posted by J. Wilson at 4:45 PM on September 17, 2011
I agree with those who are saying, maybe you're just not that into him. Take sex and making out off the table, what are you left with? Is it a guy you want to open up to. Sex is intimate but it seems like you skipped over the other markers of an intimate relationship. It also just kind of sounds to me like you two don't click. Maybe you're trying to force something that ain't gonna happen.
posted by amanda at 5:21 PM on September 17, 2011
posted by amanda at 5:21 PM on September 17, 2011
I suggest you admit to him that you do this and that you're trying to figure out why.
posted by Ironmouth at 5:30 PM on September 17, 2011
posted by Ironmouth at 5:30 PM on September 17, 2011
Based on your previous question (whether or not it was about the same person), and especially the answer you marked as "best answer" to that question, I'm thinking the problem is not that there's something wrong with this guy. You seem to have a pattern of getting physically intimate very early in a relationship and then starting to worry that it's too casual. You yourself encourage things to get sexual, but then the sex feeds into your insecurity about how maybe he isn't interested in getting serious. Unfortunately, none of us can read his mind. If you want to know how serious he is about the relationship, I recommend talking to him about all this.
posted by John Cohen at 5:59 PM on September 17, 2011
posted by John Cohen at 5:59 PM on September 17, 2011
Response by poster: Based on your previous question (whether or not it was about the same person)
It is the same person, and, yes, I am insecure, and the sex feeds into my insecurity. I am going to talk to him about this the next time I see him. I'm just trying to understand the situation better before we have that conversation.
*Do* you actually like him, besides for sex?
Yes, I do. I'm not sure if we're really compatible, but that doesn't mean I don't really like him.
posted by raynax at 6:52 PM on September 17, 2011
It is the same person, and, yes, I am insecure, and the sex feeds into my insecurity. I am going to talk to him about this the next time I see him. I'm just trying to understand the situation better before we have that conversation.
*Do* you actually like him, besides for sex?
Yes, I do. I'm not sure if we're really compatible, but that doesn't mean I don't really like him.
posted by raynax at 6:52 PM on September 17, 2011
I've been in this situation before and it's usually when
a) I really, really admire a guy so I'm scared that if I open up to him he'll change his mind about me.
b) I worry that he's not serious about me and I don't want to make myself vulnerable. My spidey sense is picking up that he's not trust worthy.
So which is it for you? How open has he been with you? If you've sent out a few feelers and he's not giving much of himself either, then maybe your shell curling is a natural response.
A lot of people will tell you to open yourself up immediately, but my approach in similar situations has always worked well for me. That is to let your guard down when it feels right, piecemeal. Don't force it. Be sure the other person is giving as much as you are.
posted by timsneezed at 7:12 PM on September 17, 2011
a) I really, really admire a guy so I'm scared that if I open up to him he'll change his mind about me.
b) I worry that he's not serious about me and I don't want to make myself vulnerable. My spidey sense is picking up that he's not trust worthy.
So which is it for you? How open has he been with you? If you've sent out a few feelers and he's not giving much of himself either, then maybe your shell curling is a natural response.
A lot of people will tell you to open yourself up immediately, but my approach in similar situations has always worked well for me. That is to let your guard down when it feels right, piecemeal. Don't force it. Be sure the other person is giving as much as you are.
posted by timsneezed at 7:12 PM on September 17, 2011
I'm not sure if we're really compatible, but that doesn't mean I don't really like him.
Can you elaborate on why you aren't sure if you're compatible?
posted by timsneezed at 7:13 PM on September 17, 2011
Can you elaborate on why you aren't sure if you're compatible?
posted by timsneezed at 7:13 PM on September 17, 2011
Response by poster: 've been in this situation before and it's usually when
a) I really, really admire a guy so I'm scared that if I open up to him he'll change his mind about me.
b) I worry that he's not serious about me and I don't want to make myself vulnerable. My spidey sense is picking up that he's not trust worthy.
So which is it for you?
It's totally (b) for me.
Can you elaborate on why you aren't sure if you're compatible?
I'm not sure if we're compatible because I don't think that we really have that much in common. Can two people who don't have much in common be compatible? I'm not sure.
Plus, he really isn't giving much of himself, and it bothers me. But it doesn't seem to bother him that much--the fact that we don't really talk about anything important. I want a real connection based on heart-to-heart conversations. He thinks that we already have a connection because we have all this chemistry, and he was surprised that I didn't think it's enough.
posted by raynax at 8:37 PM on September 17, 2011
a) I really, really admire a guy so I'm scared that if I open up to him he'll change his mind about me.
b) I worry that he's not serious about me and I don't want to make myself vulnerable. My spidey sense is picking up that he's not trust worthy.
So which is it for you?
It's totally (b) for me.
Can you elaborate on why you aren't sure if you're compatible?
I'm not sure if we're compatible because I don't think that we really have that much in common. Can two people who don't have much in common be compatible? I'm not sure.
Plus, he really isn't giving much of himself, and it bothers me. But it doesn't seem to bother him that much--the fact that we don't really talk about anything important. I want a real connection based on heart-to-heart conversations. He thinks that we already have a connection because we have all this chemistry, and he was surprised that I didn't think it's enough.
posted by raynax at 8:37 PM on September 17, 2011
But how can you be sure what you have in common if you're so intent on keeping up a front and staying detached? Without dropping the act and allowing yourself to be vulnerable (and yes, to risk hurt and rejection - but also the only way to really connect) you can't answer this question. You don't have to suddenly reveal all your darkest secrets, but at least stop with the eye-rolling or figure out whether it's because you want to seem like you don't care... or you really don't.
posted by canine epigram at 8:46 PM on September 17, 2011
posted by canine epigram at 8:46 PM on September 17, 2011
I want a real connection based on heart-to-heart conversations. He thinks that we already have a connection because we have all this chemistry, and he was surprised that I didn't think it's enough.
He thinks the superficial connection you have is enough but he also thinks you're too nonchalant. That seems kind of contradictory.
posted by timsneezed at 10:16 PM on September 17, 2011
He thinks the superficial connection you have is enough but he also thinks you're too nonchalant. That seems kind of contradictory.
posted by timsneezed at 10:16 PM on September 17, 2011
Hi! I am dating you, but you are a dude.
In my situation, there are excellent physical shenanigans and we can talk about work stuff forever, but when it comes to "feelings" he is stand offish/cold/witholding. After some gentle but straight up talking (during which he squirmed like crazy) it came down to him not being used to relationships and after hearing a bit of backstory I came to the interpretation that he had had his heart broken in the past and was really freaked out and so didn't want to be vulnerable or seem into it. EG:
me: let's hang out! Yay!
him: sure...if you want.
For ages I felt like I couldn't read him and how he felt, so it would make me more standoffish than I wanted to be too. Sounds like you just don't know where you stand with him, and as a result you don't want to seem more into it than he is...kind of a "who's got the upper hand" thing?
(eventually, after hating feeling like it was just about the Doing It, I figured someone had to put it out there and so I did, months later, he is sloooowly opening up, it just got to be about me learning how to read his non-verbalised signals)
I guess some people take ages to open up, it doesn't mean they're not into it. It seems like he could be doing the same thing you're doing based on a mutual feeling of "what does this all mean??". How do you stop it though...have you tried just asking him questions and seeing if that leads to a heart to heart? Sometimes heart to hearts need to be cultivated.
posted by scuza at 6:10 AM on September 18, 2011
In my situation, there are excellent physical shenanigans and we can talk about work stuff forever, but when it comes to "feelings" he is stand offish/cold/witholding. After some gentle but straight up talking (during which he squirmed like crazy) it came down to him not being used to relationships and after hearing a bit of backstory I came to the interpretation that he had had his heart broken in the past and was really freaked out and so didn't want to be vulnerable or seem into it. EG:
me: let's hang out! Yay!
him: sure...if you want.
For ages I felt like I couldn't read him and how he felt, so it would make me more standoffish than I wanted to be too. Sounds like you just don't know where you stand with him, and as a result you don't want to seem more into it than he is...kind of a "who's got the upper hand" thing?
(eventually, after hating feeling like it was just about the Doing It, I figured someone had to put it out there and so I did, months later, he is sloooowly opening up, it just got to be about me learning how to read his non-verbalised signals)
I guess some people take ages to open up, it doesn't mean they're not into it. It seems like he could be doing the same thing you're doing based on a mutual feeling of "what does this all mean??". How do you stop it though...have you tried just asking him questions and seeing if that leads to a heart to heart? Sometimes heart to hearts need to be cultivated.
posted by scuza at 6:10 AM on September 18, 2011
This thread is closed to new comments.
I think it comes from not wanting to get hurt. If you're detached and nonchalant, then you don't hold a strong opinion that can be rejected. Rejection from someone you like romantically can hurt a lot, so it's easier to say, "I don't care" or laugh off romantic/schmoopy advances.
I'd make a conscious effort to be enthusiastic about things you care about around this guy. It may take some time and feel a little forced at first, but practice builds habit.
posted by xingcat at 2:39 PM on September 17, 2011 [1 favorite]