One more does he/doesn't he for the books...
September 12, 2011 8:07 AM   Subscribe

[Dating Filter] Sh*t or get off the pot? (Metaphorically speaking!)

I'm a mid-20's lady, he's a mid-20's fellow.

We ran in similar circles of friends from undergrad. Parted for grad school & kept no contact. Now, we ended up in the same city with some of our old pals.

We periodically meet up for drinks, cooking a meal together, concert, farmers markets etc etc. This summer we've attended parties or festivals, and afterwards went home with each other and made out.

I REALLY dig him. So after first make out session I suggested a date. Date was agreed upon & I found it to be very nice & fun. I was also horribly sick and trying very hard to not appear so.

So Mefites, Do I continue making it known I want more, or move on? Does this scream of "only interested after alcohol?"
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (18 answers total) 1 user marked this as a favorite
I believe the standard answer to "does he or doesn't he?" is "how the heck could we know?" Based on the facts in your post, I could argue either way. Guess you should just ask him.
posted by salvia at 8:13 AM on September 12, 2011 [4 favorites]

Not really enough information here. Who initiated the other hangouts (cooking dinner together, concerts, etc)? Those could be considered "dates", and if he initiated those, he may be thinking he is making the moves already.

If you have, in fact, initiated all of the above: if hes the shy-type, maybe continue this and see where things go. Definitely have a discussion about it. If hes otherwise outgoing, and he is not asking you on any of these dates, then I would move on.

I would think that most people, even the shy ones, would be comfortable asking you out at this point, seeing as you have been hanging out previously and have already been on an "official" date. Chance of him getting rejected seems pretty low so I think if he was interested he would make a move.
posted by halseyaa at 8:14 AM on September 12, 2011 [1 favorite]

Wait, so what happened after the date that makes you doubt whether you should keep going? Unless I'm reading this wrong, you know this dude, you've had a bunch of fun, you made out, you went on a date during which you didn't feel too well but still had a lot of fun and ... now you're not sure whether to keep going?

I mean, I don't see any reason not to.
posted by griphus at 8:15 AM on September 12, 2011 [8 favorites]

"Hey at our last date I was pretty sick and I hope I wasn't giving off some kind of i-don't-want-to-be-here vibe. Because I really like being with you and I'd like to see us become kind of a 'thing' if you know what I mean. What do you think?"
posted by seanmpuckett at 8:16 AM on September 12, 2011 [3 favorites]

What? Dear lord, just ask him.
posted by chara at 8:16 AM on September 12, 2011 [5 favorites]

"I REALLY dig him" = "I continue making it known I want more."

Repeat until either party becomes disinterested.
posted by hmo at 8:17 AM on September 12, 2011 [3 favorites]

What griphus said. All signs (save for choice of metaphor) point to shit. The only thing to watch is if you are obviously putting a lot more effort into the relationship than he is.
posted by ropeladder at 8:17 AM on September 12, 2011 [1 favorite]

I REALLY dig him. So after first make out session I suggested a date. Date was agreed upon & I found it to be very nice & fun. I was also horribly sick and trying very hard to not appear so.

So....what's the problem? You haven't mentioned anything about what HE did that is making you think he's not interested.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 8:22 AM on September 12, 2011 [5 favorites]

Does this scream of "only interested after alcohol?"

If you want to find out, why not hang out with him in a situation where you're not drinking alcohol?

Beyond that, I don't know what the problem to be solved is.
posted by John Cohen at 8:31 AM on September 12, 2011 [1 favorite]

I suggest continuing dates and continuing the making out and starting with the asking.
posted by Ironmouth at 8:39 AM on September 12, 2011 [1 favorite]

wait...where does the alcohol come in again?

what were his reactions/actions in all of this?

what's stopping you from wanting to continue?

please add more info, there is way too much missing here.
posted by bearette at 8:49 AM on September 12, 2011 [2 favorites]

Seriously, if you're considering giving up on him, you might as well just ask him if he wants what you want. If you do, you win. If you don't, then you still win because you can move on without regret.
posted by inturnaround at 9:09 AM on September 12, 2011 [1 favorite]

Given the circumstances you outline in your question, the attraction and the fun you have, and the frequency of such liaisons leading to something nice for both parties, I would naturally answer your metaphorical and demurely asterisked initial question in the same vein, but sensibilities prevail. Even a positive and encouraging rally of yesses and goes seems to fall shy of the mark.

Perhaps by including a reference to a detail, like the illness you mention, this response will vault into appropriateness and longevity. So:

It sounds great, like you're having fun, and I think you should go forward with it, because you have a chance for something wonderful to happen if you do. Also, I'd generally recommend against concealing sickness in order to go out; depending on the illness you may put his health in jeopardy, and it's hard from him to measure whether your symptoms are of disease or boredom if he's unaware of the former.

In short, sh*t.
posted by Ice Cream Socialist at 9:21 AM on September 12, 2011 [2 favorites]

Reading between the lines here I guess that you only do the making out after alcohol?

I've got about 15 years on you. I can tell you that looking back on those times when I didn't know what was going on I could have just ASKED what was going on but didn't, either because I was afraid to find out or because I was just plain afraid. There were times when I didn't just ask because I was afraid that was uncool, though I'd mostly gotten over needing to feel cool by my mid 20s - I'd figured out that I was as cool as I was ever going to be and if someone had an issue with my level of not-cool then we probably shouldn't be in each other's lives.

I can say now that I can not identify a single good thing that didn't happen because I failed to be cool enough or just asked what was going on.

Just ask for what you want. The time you're spending worrying rather than doing is not time well spent.
posted by phearlez at 9:35 AM on September 12, 2011

Wait, so you had fun hanging out/hooking up before you went on a date and then you went on an Official Date and had more fun? There doesn't sound like there's any reason to expect that things aren't going well.

If you're worried about whether your illness made you seem distracted or otherwise not as interested as you are, say/email something like, "Hey, I had a great time on our date, except in retrospect I was feeling a bit under the weather - can we do it again now that I'm feeling all better?" His response will make his position clear one way or another.
posted by superfluousm at 10:57 AM on September 12, 2011

It's just as possible for a guy to drift along in an "isn't or isn't it" relationship wondering where it's going but not wanting to wade in and ask directly. It always surprises me to see women still apparently operating on the assumption that the man is going to "take charge" and if he hasn't it must mean he isn't interested. 21st Century here, ladies, equal rights, equal responsibilities.

Either he is, or he isn't, and the only person who knows for sure is him. The "where is this going" conversation is a time honored bridge for potentially serious relationships to move to the next level and for relationships with no futures to start their inevitable demise. If you want more ask for it. You'll either 1) get what you want or 2) find out that you're waiting on someone else to either catch up with your feelings or not (which while still ambiguous is at least definite ambiguous and puts him on notice that you want something specific and won't wait around forever or 3)find out that you're wasting your time, which you can then stop doing.

P.S. If this question is any indication you may tend to underestimate how much information you need to provide for effective communication.

P.P.S. You don't need to tell people it's a metaphor when you say shit or get off the pot.
posted by nanojath at 12:14 PM on September 12, 2011 [6 favorites]

Does this scream of "only interested after alcohol?"

What about 'only gets up the courage to act on his interest after alcohol'?
posted by Lovecraft In Brooklyn at 9:31 PM on September 12, 2011

You might not want to tell him you were "horribly sick and trying very hard to not appear so" (unless you were sick with some non-contagious chronic illness or something). I do NOT appreciate it when other people deliberately expose me to their diseases, and saying you were hiding it is even worse! In case he shares my opinion on this point, perhaps you should just keep this one quiet.
posted by ootandaboot at 9:46 PM on September 12, 2011 [1 favorite]

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