What does it mean to love a binge drinker?
September 9, 2011 9:07 AM Subscribe
I'm trying to understand more about binge drinking. Someone I love has a problem, but because they don't drink every day and because their friends have worse problems with drinking/drugs, they don't see it as an issue.
Our mutual (non-drinker/drug) friends don't know, or they haven't shared that with me. I consider myself a smart person, but I realize that my brains have failed to help me confront this before now, despite the relationship problems it contributes to. I don't feel my safety is at risk, but I'm overwhelmed.
I'm not ready to go to a meeting for something like ALANON. It doesn't help that I'm a lesbian and the recovery meetings in this town are really tied to the gay community.
But I need to know more. Assume I know nothing.
Our mutual (non-drinker/drug) friends don't know, or they haven't shared that with me. I consider myself a smart person, but I realize that my brains have failed to help me confront this before now, despite the relationship problems it contributes to. I don't feel my safety is at risk, but I'm overwhelmed.
I'm not ready to go to a meeting for something like ALANON. It doesn't help that I'm a lesbian and the recovery meetings in this town are really tied to the gay community.
But I need to know more. Assume I know nothing.
Yeah, I'd like to hear more about what you need here too.
posted by serazin at 9:16 AM on September 9, 2011
posted by serazin at 9:16 AM on September 9, 2011
I know you don't want to, but I will say it anyway: Go to Al-Anon. Everyone will be so nice to you. And the whole thing relies on maintaining anonymity, so you don't need to worry about gossip. You don't have to say a word. Just walk in the room and sit down and listen. I know it seems scary, but everyone there was once scared and they did it, and they kept going back because it was better than not going. If you're so near the end of your rope that you're posting on metafilter about this, why not pursue all of your options? It's an hour out of your week and you never have to go back if you hate it.
posted by something something at 9:17 AM on September 9, 2011 [5 favorites]
posted by something something at 9:17 AM on September 9, 2011 [5 favorites]
Binge drinking is a health issue because it puts the drinker at an increased risk of suffering (or perpetrating) violence, accidental injury or death, and in young drinker's can affect their ability to think so that they will end up with the same impaired cognitive abilities as an ordinary alcoholic (e.g., impaired linguistic ability, stunted psychological growth, poor ability to assess risk, poor ability to make long term plans).
The good news is that in many binge drinkers, particularly college age, an early counseling session with a physician can be helpful, even if it's only a couple of minutes focused on the drinking. Since OP's loved one doesn't think he/she has a problem, the likelihood of success at a 12-step program is very low, and the drinkers there will not likely sound at all like OP's friend.
posted by Hylas at 9:42 AM on September 9, 2011
The good news is that in many binge drinkers, particularly college age, an early counseling session with a physician can be helpful, even if it's only a couple of minutes focused on the drinking. Since OP's loved one doesn't think he/she has a problem, the likelihood of success at a 12-step program is very low, and the drinkers there will not likely sound at all like OP's friend.
posted by Hylas at 9:42 AM on September 9, 2011
Rethinking Drinking is a good website that how lots of info about healthy and risky drinking limits. They have info specific to women's health.
posted by boofidies at 9:51 AM on September 9, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by boofidies at 9:51 AM on September 9, 2011 [1 favorite]
You don't say exactly what your loved one is doing, but if they experiencing blackouts they have a drinking problem, end of story. You could start there in trying to convince them to change their behavior.
posted by alms at 9:57 AM on September 9, 2011
posted by alms at 9:57 AM on September 9, 2011
This is a common framework problem.
You have a problem with your friends drinking. This is something you can work on. This is something you can communicate with your friend about.
Your friend, on the other hand, has not admitted to you that they have a problem. We cannot know with certainty that your friend does or does not think the drinking is a problem. But, I can tell you, common therapy belief is, "A person does not have a problem until they think they have a problem." You are unlikely to convince your friend to conceptualize their drinking as a problem for them. But if enough people come to your friend and say "I have xxxx problems with your behavior when you drink" or "I'm worried about yyyyyy happening as a result of your drinking," you might get some traction.
But you might not.
posted by bilabial at 10:19 AM on September 9, 2011 [1 favorite]
You have a problem with your friends drinking. This is something you can work on. This is something you can communicate with your friend about.
Your friend, on the other hand, has not admitted to you that they have a problem. We cannot know with certainty that your friend does or does not think the drinking is a problem. But, I can tell you, common therapy belief is, "A person does not have a problem until they think they have a problem." You are unlikely to convince your friend to conceptualize their drinking as a problem for them. But if enough people come to your friend and say "I have xxxx problems with your behavior when you drink" or "I'm worried about yyyyyy happening as a result of your drinking," you might get some traction.
But you might not.
posted by bilabial at 10:19 AM on September 9, 2011 [1 favorite]
So, I'm a lesbian too and an alcoholic in recovery who has listened to a lot of people's stories. I was a daily drinker, but I have heard a lot of stories of binge drinkers. You don't have to drink every day to have a problem with alcohol. There are a couple of guides (Al-Anon 20 Questions, AA 20 questions) that may help you decide if your loved one has a problem. But, as you'll find if you do more research, you can't make anyone stop drinking. The focus of Al-Anon is to provide understanding and support for friends and family of problem drinkers, not to get the person to stop drinking.
You can go to an open AA meeting (open to anyone, including non-alcoholics) or an Al-Anon meeting and say nothing. You won't be strange -- a lot of people do that. If you do say something, I think you'll find that even if the group is mostly gay male or mostly heterosexual, they will be supportive. Folks in "the rooms" of AA and Al-Anon are there to recover, not to judge. That said, there are jerks in AA/Al-Anon, just like anywhere else in the world. Find the kind people that are working a program and talk to them.
Take care and realize you are not alone in this -- whatever problems are in your relationship, others have dealt with those same types of problems and worked through them. There is help out there.
posted by elmay at 10:20 AM on September 9, 2011 [2 favorites]
You can go to an open AA meeting (open to anyone, including non-alcoholics) or an Al-Anon meeting and say nothing. You won't be strange -- a lot of people do that. If you do say something, I think you'll find that even if the group is mostly gay male or mostly heterosexual, they will be supportive. Folks in "the rooms" of AA and Al-Anon are there to recover, not to judge. That said, there are jerks in AA/Al-Anon, just like anywhere else in the world. Find the kind people that are working a program and talk to them.
Take care and realize you are not alone in this -- whatever problems are in your relationship, others have dealt with those same types of problems and worked through them. There is help out there.
posted by elmay at 10:20 AM on September 9, 2011 [2 favorites]
It is a little bit difficult to address your concerns with so few details, but I will try. Like elmay, I'm an alcoholic in recovery who was an every day drinker. I have heard many stories of people who were binge drinkers, not every day drinkers. One does not have to drink every day to have a problem with alcohol. I have a good friend who says that it was harder for her to admit she had a problem because when things got really ugly, she could stop drinking and clean up for a bit until she wasn't under so much pressure.
Like bilabial stated, you can only address your issues with your loved ones drinking. Only the drinker can determine if they are an alcoholic or have a problem with alcohol. I tend to think that if you are having consequences as a result of your drinking and yet you cannot or will not stop drinking, you likely have an alcohol problem.
A couple things to keep in mind: You are not the problem, you didn't cause the problem, and you can not fix the problem. You can do nothing to help the person in question unless they want help. Before my drinking was out of control (when I was going to Al-anon and dealing with two family members' addictions) I heard something helpful from a counselor. He said that no matter how smart or logical I was, I was never going to "get" alcoholism or addiction. He emphasized that there was nothing for me to understand, no magical words that would make sense of it. And now that I've been on the other side of it, those words are still very true. One cannot make sense of alcoholism, but we can get educated about the symptoms, signs and consequences, and learn the best tools for dealing with it. I understand that you do not want to go to al-anon, but I promise it's not as bad as it sounds. It is an anonymous program and it can be very supportive and educational. Best of luck to you, please memail me if you have any specific questions.
posted by thankyouforyourconsideration at 12:10 PM on September 9, 2011 [1 favorite]
Like bilabial stated, you can only address your issues with your loved ones drinking. Only the drinker can determine if they are an alcoholic or have a problem with alcohol. I tend to think that if you are having consequences as a result of your drinking and yet you cannot or will not stop drinking, you likely have an alcohol problem.
A couple things to keep in mind: You are not the problem, you didn't cause the problem, and you can not fix the problem. You can do nothing to help the person in question unless they want help. Before my drinking was out of control (when I was going to Al-anon and dealing with two family members' addictions) I heard something helpful from a counselor. He said that no matter how smart or logical I was, I was never going to "get" alcoholism or addiction. He emphasized that there was nothing for me to understand, no magical words that would make sense of it. And now that I've been on the other side of it, those words are still very true. One cannot make sense of alcoholism, but we can get educated about the symptoms, signs and consequences, and learn the best tools for dealing with it. I understand that you do not want to go to al-anon, but I promise it's not as bad as it sounds. It is an anonymous program and it can be very supportive and educational. Best of luck to you, please memail me if you have any specific questions.
posted by thankyouforyourconsideration at 12:10 PM on September 9, 2011 [1 favorite]
Sorry, but I want to add one thing. It is rarely helpful to assess one's drinking in comparison to one's friends. Many problem drinkers seek out and befriend other people who "drink like I drink". That is usually difficult to see until one has experience some time away from the drink or drugs.
posted by thankyouforyourconsideration at 12:32 PM on September 9, 2011
posted by thankyouforyourconsideration at 12:32 PM on September 9, 2011
It's possible that your hesitancy toward alanon is sound. If the glbt community where you live is somewhat small to begin with then yes anonymity guidelines might not hold much comfort. The other advice above seems sound. I can only add: love manage and self first.
posted by yesster at 3:39 PM on September 9, 2011
posted by yesster at 3:39 PM on September 9, 2011
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