Help me to feel great about becoming a working Mum.

September 6, 2011 6:10 AM

Working Mums: please help me to feel good about going back to work after 2.5 years off. I have two lovely boys, aged two and four. I've also got a new job starting in two weeks. I was so excited to get the job two months ago, and now, I just don't want to do it.

The job is for 3.5 days a week which I guess doesn't seem alot. But right now, I'm working 0 days a week, and spending every second I can with my kids, when they're not at nursery.

There's the standard feelings I'm getting of horrible guilt and worry.

I also have logistical annoyances: for this school year, one of my boys will be spending mornings at one nursery and afternoons at another. I will have someone who'll give my eldest a lift, but still, I hope he can cope.

I live in an area where a good proportion of the Mums don't work, or don't need to work. I've been incredibly lucky and have felt so privileged to be like one of these Mums too. So far.

However, my husband is about to experience a 15-20% downturn in salary. It could be temporary, but we've just moved house, we have a bigger mortgage, and a seemingly limitless amount of home improvement to pay for. So this has catapulted me from somebody who wants to go to work to somebody who HAS to go to work. I'm finding this semantic change really difficult to deal with, coupled of course with the other issues.

I have a good brain (or did), and I've now gotten myself a great job, amazingly with a better salary than I had before. Actually, I'd been looking for a job for about a year, because I felt I needed to use other parts of my head. This pre-dates any of my husband's financial issues. As for me and work itself, the truth is all the latte drinking and listening to Mums compare their kids to each others' kids was getting me down a bit. I am beginning to love cancelling my playdates and just spending time with my boys on their own. I've got some wonderful Mum friends, but honestly, some of them, grrrr.

Pre-kids, I'd always have put my career first. There's still a remnant of my ambition there. The problem is, I like working, but I love my children much much more. The reality of being a working Mum (even if part-time) is hitting me.

I mean, so we live with a horrid bathroom, leaky gutters or rarely have holidays? I would sacrifice alot for the chance to be with the boys. But then, we all want quality of life, including the boys. And they will be at full-time school soon anyway.

I'm a stupid mess. I know it makes sense to work, I just can't feel good about it. I'm sorry if I sound spoilt or ungrateful because I've had the luxury of not working for so long. I feel that even if I had had 10 years off work, I'd still be writing this post. Going back to work after kids is tough, whenever you do it. If you can, please help me see that this is all ok.

posted by dimon to Human Relations (11 answers total)

That you are engaging in this struggle says a great deal about your continued commitment to your children--and isn't that a part of what has you worried? For the last four years your experience of dedicated and loving motherhood is raising your children from home full-time and so it is understandably difficult to visualize what other kinds of dedicated and loving motherhood look like. Right now, it seems like if you change how you mother you are, necessarily, less loving or less dedicated or less interested in mothering. However, I am certain that if you would have a glass of wine with a mom like me, who is in grad school full time and will soon be embarking on a new career, you wouldn't doubt my love or dedication to my son. So, intellectually, have faith you are already where you need to be to find emotional acceptance.

I think it will be harder the more you try to do both jobs while still trying to do your first job, raising kids, the same way you are now. To make it easier on yourself, instead of thinking about how you can mother your kids the exact same way you mother them now and still work 3.5 days a a week, get excited about the new ways, the more concentrated and present ways, you can start to learn how to mother your kids while also introducing to them what intelligent, strong, professional womanhood looks like. You won't have time, anymore, to spend a stretch of days in a row enjoying each other in unhurried, intimate ways--and that is a loss--but you could gain evenings deeply present with a family activity, the chance to take your kids into work as they get a little older and show them what you do, the external validation that may inspire you to look and think about your family in new and interesting ways. And yes, holidays. Travel. A nice home to come home to.

It isn't a problem to love your children and family, as you say, "much, much more." In fact, that probably means you're already doing it right. What I would say, is, don't underestimate the ability for a professional life to give you some new and unexpected tools to love your family even better, or in satisfying ways. Also, there is no "right side." Children benefit from parents who raise them from home, from parents who raise them while working with a network of others (other people are good!), and from even more diverse and even challenging environments. What children recognize is if there is love as a resource--everything else is just different learning contexts. Attached and confident children emerge from a baffling variety of family environments and parents would do themselves a favor to accept this.

I work in pediatrics and I'm a mom who's done it a lot of different ways (from home, in a flextime situation, in a part-time situation, etc.). I also get to see a lot of different families and a lot of different kids. Happy kids have love as a resource. Love is more easily expressed by happy adults who cut themselves a lot of slack. They're going to be so proud of you someday. Visualize the first time they brag about YOUR accomplishments playing with friends in the school yard.

You'll be okay. Email me anytime.
posted by rumposinc at 6:37 AM on September 6, 2011 [2 favorites]

, I hope he can cope.

He can :)

So this has catapulted me from somebody who wants to go to work to somebody who HAS to go to work.

But you are still someone who wants to go to work. Try to remember that. A mom who wants to work and doesn't get to, is not a happy mom. Going to work will challenge and fulfill you, and you will come home happy and refreshed and a better mom than you were before.

Pre-kids, I'd always have put my career first. There's still a remnant of my ambition there. The problem is, I like working, but I love my children much much more.

You are not giving up your children to work. The time you spend with them will be even sweeter, and everyone will appreciate it more, because it's not unlimited. Once you adjust (and you will have to do more adjusting than your kids will, it will be easy for them as long as you don't show them how much you are struggling with it!), then you will have the best of both worlds.

Congratulations on the new job!
posted by headnsouth at 6:41 AM on September 6, 2011 [1 favorite]

I went back to work when my son was 10 weeks old (he is now 13 months). The first week is hard, but it gets easier. You develop a routine, pretty soon it just feels normal. Honestly, I love my job and really enjoy coming to work every day. I love having something else to do with my brain, because taking care of kids is super hard work, but in a different way from career-work (and often child care feels like harder/more exhausting work). My commute is the only time of day that I have time that is just mine, I've come to enjoy having that uninterrupted time for reading/catching up on podcasts (and in the early months, taking a nap). I think it's valuable for kids to grow up seeing their parents confident and engaged with work that they enjoy.

Our son has learned so much at daycare, and genuinely seems to enjoy it. I think it's offered him more developmentally than what I could have done at home all day... which is not at all to disparage the work of SAHMs, I just don't think I could have done the job well myself if I had stayed home. And he is doing great, he's happy, healthy, and he loves spending time with Mom and Dad, too. I'm happy he's been able to form attachments to other caregivers besides us (grandparents are all states away), and I think daycare has nurtured his curiosity and his outgoing-ness.

Drawing on my own experience, both of my parents worked, and I have fond memories of my daycare providers. As a kid I never felt bummed out that I wasn't home with mom all day, and I never felt like my parents loved me less or that I wasn't important. It was just the way things were and it was normal.

When I drop my son off in the mornings I give him a kiss, a cheery bye-bye, and let him loose. He's usually playing and not even paying attention to me when I leave. I think kids pick up on how you react to the drop-off, if you're teary and make a big deal out of leaving they may be more likely to cry, which is probably more upsetting to you than it is to them.

Good luck!
posted by banjo_and_the_pork at 6:55 AM on September 6, 2011 [1 favorite]

Speaking as the adult child of a stay-at-home Mom... being someone's entire world is a big burden for a 4 year old. (As is growing up in a home where money is tight.)
posted by Green Eyed Monster at 6:58 AM on September 6, 2011 [4 favorites]

Your story is my best friend's. But she found a solution that works for her. I hope you are able to as well.

I don't know what your area of speciality is, professionally, but my friend (lets call her M) used her prior experience as Managing Director of North England's largest ISP to start an organic, eco friendly baby product testing and sales service online so she could work from home, which she recently sold after 5 years since her youngest has not been as easy a baby. Now she's training as a lactation specialist and volunteers to run the notforprofit's newsletter and social media to keep her engaged and its her area of interest.

M struggles with this exact same thing, she has a university education in cognitive sciences and is a thinker, but loves her boys. However, like yourself, needs to add some income to the household.

Do you have some lead time before your husband's income decreases in order to explore opportunities that allow you flexibility to spend more time with your kids?

If not, this is something to keep in mind while you go to work, using the opportunity for networking, exposure and getting back into the groove of being a professional again.

Just my 2 cents worth.
posted by infini at 7:26 AM on September 6, 2011 [1 favorite]

You sound like a sweet and awesome mom. I feel for you - I went back to work 2-3 days a week when my kid was 4 weeks old because we needed the money and my husband's job was in a rough spot. The hardest thing for me to deal with was not actually going to work because I love my job and I feel like it keeps my brain sharp (and 2-3 days a week is nothing compared to the hours some parents have to work to keep finances afloat), but it was sort of what you alluded to in your question where I felt almost guilty because I NEEDED to work for the money. I think if I was like all the stay at home moms I know who absolutely don't need to work but oftentimes talk about getting a part time job because they need a break from doing the mom thing, I'd feel differently. I'd get kind of annoyed listening to constant mommychatter at playdates and stuff because I felt frustrated that it seemed like they had a choice that I didn't have. It took me a little time to adjust to the enjoyment of a few days a week where I knew my kid was okay and happy even without me there as I worked and got a little break from the very demanding job of being a mom. My days off got to be a lot more precious and spent a little more closely with my kiddo. I also realized that a lot of that constant comparing and subtle competition and stress about creating baby Einsteins and Who Reaches What Milestone First and My Kid Is So Hilarious Everyone Look At Him(!!!) that I was hearing from the moms in the group I hung out with was the result of their entire worlds revolving around their kid to the point of, maybe, a little bit of helicopter parenting. Not all stay at home moms are like this - my mom raised six happy independent kids as a SAHM - but these days there is more and more stress to treat parenting your kids like a social experiment competition where Mom controls all the variables herself so that nothing of ill effect ever comes into proximity of the child. Working helped me step back from that scene a little and realize that the time and love I pour into my kids isn't negated by the time I have to spend away from them by necessity.
posted by takoukla at 7:44 AM on September 6, 2011 [1 favorite]

Someday you will find that your kids are actually asking you to leave as soon as you can possibly get your butt out the door.

Toddler Zizzle began herding me toward the door at daycare when he was about 10 months old. He demanded that I leave --- it was time for him to play and do things without me, I should get a move on so he could, too.

And you'll feel sad that your child doesn't want to spend that time with you, and then you'll feel so happy that he's so happy that he can tell you when it's time for you to let him go.

I think for me work has been an incredibly healthy outlet that has allowed me to be a better mom than I would have been otherwise. New routines always suck at first, but once it's not so new, it'll be easier to see the benefits to them.
posted by zizzle at 10:13 AM on September 6, 2011 [1 favorite]

Not a mom. Slightly different perspective to offer. You seem to be aware and articulate about the fact that you have responsibilities to both your kids individually and to your family as a unit. Your husband's job situation sounds precarious. There is a compelling argument to be made that the best thing you can do for your family as a unit is to secure finances by returning to work.
posted by DarlingBri at 10:40 AM on September 6, 2011 [2 favorites]

I am a dad just going back to work after staying at home for 2 years with my daughter. Seeing how much she loves preschool has made the transition so much easier. She begs to go play at school with her friends. She gets a whole new dimension of social interaction and learning that I can't provide for her.
posted by gnutron at 10:40 AM on September 6, 2011

Oh, honey. Working mothers’ guilt. I struggled with it for 7 years so I know exactly how you feel. About a year ago, I posted this question and I encourage you to read through the answers. They were a godsend to me; reading them really helped change my perspective. I no longer feel guilty at all; instead I am proud: proud that my income contributes to a financially stable household, which in turn means we can relax about money and spend it in ways we enjoy (took an awesome Disney vacation this year, woot!), proud that I am setting a good example for my daughters, proud that I can manage to work full-time and still maintain a strong, loving relationship with my husband and kids. Be proud of yourself as well! It’s not black or white. You’re a great mom! With a great job! Yes you can have both :) That is the key, realizing that you CAN be all the things you want to be, realizing that working doesn’t automatically take away from mothering. Sure there are sacrifices. There are things I would love to do with my kids that I can’t, but there are also things I’m giving them that I wouldn’t be able to give otherwise. Feel free to memail me for details; I really do know what you’re going through. Congratulations on the new job and best of luck :)
posted by yawper at 12:51 PM on September 6, 2011

Response by poster: OP here. Thank you so much for your comments. Each one of them has helped me so much. I've been reading and re-reading them all night!
I identify so much with many of the comments. For example, my mum was a SAHM, and it was and still is very difficult for her to let go of me: she feels she has nothing else.

I also drop my boys at nursery with a happy bounce and a cheery wave- it took a while for me to work out that me clinging onto them was not actually helping.

I'm going to reconsider the way I mother my boys, and happily try and adapt to the new situation.

Thank you again - I think I'll be reading this for years to come.
posted by dimon at 2:37 AM on September 7, 2011