“This is my last pack.”
August 30, 2011 6:30 PM   Subscribe

How can I be more supportive of my girlfriend as she tries to quit smoking?

In early June I accidentally found a pack of cigarettes in my girlfriend’s car when we were driving somewhere. We had been together for six months at that point and had moved in together a month prior. She confessed that she lied to me about smoking and had been a smoker for years prior to meeting me and that she would stop as of that day.

I understand that quitting smoking isn’t easy, especially after reading these highly informative and eye-opening previous AskMeFi threads on the matter. I even bought Allen Carr’s book to read for myself so I could better understand what smokers go through.

Once I realized that she is a smoker, the signs (and her attempts to cover up the scent) became as plain as day to me. I was stunned that I hadn’t noticed it before and wondered how she kept it a secret from her family as well. I don’t like feeling betrayed and have had a hard time coming to terms with the lie.

As a non-smoker and someone who is particularly concerned with his own physical and mental well-being, not to mention that of my girlfriend, I want to help her in any way that I can to quit the habit.

She bought a few smoking cessation aids (lozenges, gum, etc) but still goes through the smoking cover-up theater each day when she gets home: rushing to the bathroom, using mouth wash, wiping off her face/neck/chest, and changing immediately. Her car still has cigarette ashes on the driver’s side and on the back seat from her in-car smoking.

Aside from the initial conversation when I found the cigarettes and when she bought the cessation aids, she doesn’t enter into any conversations about her smoking. If I bring it up, she reacts angrily and defensively.

I love her dearly am trying to stay positive, but I am at a loss for what else I can do to help her help herself.
posted by vkxmai to Human Relations (30 answers total) 7 users marked this as a favorite
This is probably not a popular answer but if she smokes occasionally- in her car, not around you, presumably not at work or during any of the daytime/evening times you spend together- why not just leave her to it? She will stop when she is ready to stop...let her do it on her own.
posted by bquarters at 6:35 PM on August 30, 2011 [5 favorites]

It sounds like she's not ready to quit. The old addiction cliche is that you can't make someone quit anything before they're not ready. The first thing you have to do is find out if she wants to quit, and if she wants your help. Then you have to accept her answer as the truth and be okay with it. It's the only way to maintain a comfortable relationship between equals. If you feel like you're less attracted to her because of the smell, etc., and it's a deal breaker for you, and she's really not going to quit, then hey, it's a deal breaker.
posted by bleep at 6:39 PM on August 30, 2011 [4 favorites]

(Although having said that, I did read an article the other day that suggested wearing gloves while driving as it makes smoking more difficult. Assuming it doesn't make driving more difficult too.You could maybe mention that to her.)
posted by bquarters at 6:40 PM on August 30, 2011

Don't try to orchestrate her behavior for her. She's ultimately going to do what she wants. I think you need to decide whether you're OK with having a girlfriend who covered up this up for 6 months, and now claims to be trying to quit, but might or might not actually quit. If you're OK with that, then follow the advice in the first comment. If you're not, then you're not OK with having her as a girlfriend. That wouldn't be unusual; many people decide they don't want to be in a relationship with a smoker.
posted by John Cohen at 6:45 PM on August 30, 2011

I don't think being supportive or not really comes into it. She doesn't want your support.
She's still smoking, and still wants to smoke, and you need to decide whether being with a smoker or someone who is happy to lie to you is a dealbreaker or not.

For me, both would be dealbreakers, but especially the lying. What else is she prepared to lie about? What if she's lying about something right now?

The fact she doesn't want to talk about (recognise probably painful + source of shame for her, but hey, she put off the initial, trivial conversation by lying about it for six months) is not a great sign of willingness to engage in an honest partnership.
posted by smoke at 6:50 PM on August 30, 2011 [2 favorites]

There's not really much you can do. If you've made your preference clear, she will keep doing what she's doing either way, but hopefully will continue to shield you from the impact of it.

My partner told me on our first date that he was an occasional smoker, and that he'd been meaning to quit completely. Later when it turned out that he was a full-fledged smoker, I pointed out that he had pretty much lied. He said, "Yeah, I'm sorry. That's what smokers do -- we lie about it so that people will actually go out with us." It has been a struggle for us (mostly him, of course) but after many years he is smoke-free. After a while I just stopped mentioning it altogether. By then he was so paranoid about it that I never would have known even if he'd started again.
posted by hermitosis at 6:50 PM on August 30, 2011 [1 favorite]

Secret smoking is surprisingly common even in LTRs and close families. It's nice that you've done all this reading and informing yourself, but ultimately it's up to her to decide to quit or not. Everyone is completely right - you can want to want to quit as bad as anything at all, even when the stakes seem like they should feel pretty high, but since it's one of the hardest things most people will do in their entire lives, you really have to have your own, authentic, internal reasons to quit, not external reasons like 'my boyfriend doesn't like it,' and it has to be the sole focus of your life for a while as you go through it.

Where you definitely don't want to be is snooping around looking for ashes in the car, smelling her clothes and breath, looking in the trash can, etc. That's obsessive. I agree with John Cohen: if she covers it up sufficiently that it doesn't bother you, maybe you can stay in this relationship. If it bothers you to be with a smoker, maybe you should consider whether it's a dealbreaker. EIther way, you're off on your way to a terrible dynamic where she lies and hides, and you obsess and check up on her and pester her about quitting. That doesn't get nicer over time.
posted by Miko at 6:53 PM on August 30, 2011 [1 favorite]

I can understand why she is hiding her smoking from you, why she didn't reveal it earlier, and why she is angry and defensive when you bring it up now. Knowing that you are "particularly concerned" with your, and her, "physical and mental well-being." your use of words like "betrayed," and what comes across in your post as an attitude of superiority... it's easy to understand why she would feel deeply ashamed, and judged. You ARE judging her -- not just for "the lie," but because you seem to view her addiction as a weakness, a character flaw, despite your research on the real struggles that addicts face. Do you think that there are other ways that she finds it difficult to live up to your standards of physical and mental health? The smoking may even be a coping mechanism she uses to deal with them (weight control, stress relief, you name it).

I agree that if smoking is a dealbreaker for you, you should tell her so, but if not, I think the best thing you can do is to treat her as a true peer who you respect and trust to lead her own life as best she can. If she wants to quit (and isn't just saying that because she knows it's perhaps the only thing you want to hear), then ask her what, specifically, she wants you to do to support her. Then do only those things, and demonstrate all of your unconditional love for her in the meantime.
posted by argonauta at 6:54 PM on August 30, 2011 [10 favorites]

You really, truly, cannot make someone quit if they're not ready.

Whether she's trying to quit or not, unless she specifically asks for your help, what you can do is stay out of it. I'm going to assume she can read and has internet access, which means she has all the information she could possibly want and more at her fingertips. Unless you are a world-renowned smoking cessation guru or maybe hypnotherapist, your assistance is superfluous and probably unwanted. Staying out of the tobacco business, if you happened to suddenly get the urge, would be kind.

There are lots of bad habits in the world, and no matter what they are all you can do is define your own boundaries and enforce them. Cannot abide dating a smoker? Then don't. Don't want to ride in the car with a shitty driver? Don't. Put off by her predilection for trans fats: either don't eat her food or leave. But you can't make her not smoke or drive like a sane person or switch to grapeseed oil.

If you are absolutely certain this is a hill you ware willing to die on, you can pressure her. Pressure does not help with quitting smoking, though, so that's probably not going to end well.

You could probably have ONE conversation with her about her plan. You could suggest that if she's smoking as a compensatory measure - anxiety, hunger, something like that - that you're totally behind her finding a Plan B instead of smoking. But if she's not smoking in your breathing space, because you could certainly assert your rights on those grounds if she was, this is pretty much her deal. You can decide what you will do, but not what she will do.

Yes, it's a terrible health habit and it smells and it funds some really horrible shit. It's also oddly delicious and comforting and is viciously hard to stop unless you are personally fed the hell up with it.
posted by Lyn Never at 6:55 PM on August 30, 2011

FWIW people experience various degrees of smoking dependence from "habit" to "complete addiction." My husband can stop on a dime. He can go on and off at will. I on the other hand, having been through rehab, wonder often why there is no in patient treatment for cigarette addiction. This shit is often noted for being harder to quit than heroin. I would be very careful about characterising her as "still wants to smoke."

Lying about it is also pretty typical. You can characterise this as "she is a liar and thus untrustworthy as a person and a partner" or you can take the more balanced view that she is lying about her addiction. One is a discrete behaviour and the other is a default personality setting. Only you can decide, based on her other behaviour, which you think applies.
posted by DarlingBri at 7:02 PM on August 30, 2011 [1 favorite]

My boyfriend smokes. I don't like he. He knows I don't like it. He has tried to quit a few times and has not been successful. Ultimately we have a don't ask, don't tell policy. He doesn't do it when I'm around and I don't give him shit about what him smoking when I can't see him.

The few times he has went on the patch I tell him I love him and give him a hug. When he isn't buying the patch and the garbage can smells like an ashtray I tell him I love him and give him a hug.

You have to decide whether you want to date a smoker cause that is what you are doing right now. Like the others have said, you can't make her quit. You can only decide if this is a deal breaker or not.
posted by ephemerista at 7:02 PM on August 30, 2011

I quit smoking in December '95. In June '02 I had a particularly craptastic time of things and started up again. I did it in secret, as I knew my husband would be pissed off at me (we started dating when I was a smoker, and it was a real area of conflict in our relationship).

He discovered that I'd started again about two months later, when I went out one evening for a walk and came back reeking of smoke. He got upset, I tearfully apologized and swore I would quit right away.

But I kept smoking, kept sneaking around, kept dodging him until finally *I* was ready to quit, which happened about four months later.

So pretty much what everyone else said - she has to do it on her own.
posted by Lucinda at 7:03 PM on August 30, 2011

Yeah, I don't know. I'm a smoker myself, so don't think it's an anti-smoking judgement when I say -- what you have is a girlfriend who is going to great lengths to lie to you about who she is. Everybody's desired level of mind meld in a relationship is different, so maybe this wouldn't bother some, but you bought books on quitting to better understand what she's going through, which I would characterize as going to great lengths to understand who she is.

These things, they're a treadmill. See?

You can't help her with this thing, because she can't be honest with you about this thing. So, paradoxically, if you could find a way to completely disengage and not care whether she smokes or doesn't -- that may actually help, because at least you wouldn't be increasing her stress level about it. On the other hand, you'd have a girlfriend who smokes, not a girlfriend who is quitting -- which is very reasonably a deal-breaker for some.

You might want to have a look at Codependent No More -- wait, hear me out. It's not just for people in nutty addiction-fueled dramarama, but anyone who finds themselves invested in the behavior of someone else, and how to know where they can help, and where they can't.
posted by pH Indicating Socks at 7:12 PM on August 30, 2011 [3 favorites]

I found Codependent No More helpful in that way too, and was going to suggest it but feared it might look over the top. But I agree that it's the perfect book for teaching any human being how to mind their own business and let others live the lives they choose.

I do have to say, though, that I was a smoker for 13 years, attempted to quit 7 times, succeeded the 8th time and am now on 8 years smoke-free. I really don't feel that smoking was "who I was" in any real way. I actually felt that way when I was a smoker - it seemed like something deeply ingrained in my character - but after quitting I realized that was an illusion, partially caused by my ongoing addiction to nicotine wanting to justify itself. I'm the same person I was before. You're the same person whether you're smoking or not.

The important point, though, is that she's sufficiently shamed and fearful about this to lie and hide about it. I can relate - I hid my smoking from some people (though not a partner, that'd be a tough trick). I don't know whether that's because she fears losing you or disappointing you, hates this about herself and hasn't figured out her own approach to quitting yet, or something deeper. But you don't know either. It's certainly not total transparency; it may indicate some deeper issues in her self-acceptance or character, but it may also be just addiction talking. I'd try to have that one last open conversation about it and then give her the benefit of the doubt (if you're so inclined) and leave it alone.

It's a nutty experience, being addicted to cigarettes. It can cause you to justify some really silly behaviors. For instance, if you find you're getting into weird moments where she's tense or irritable and you're not sure why, it could be just be you're catching her in a moment of withdrawal. When I was in situations where I had to hide or curtail my smoking, I would fight off the urge to smoke every hour, fight it off, fight it off, until I was practically bursting with a very intense need for a nicotine fix. It made me hard to be around and robbed me of what were otherwise some lovely times with friends and family.
posted by Miko at 7:29 PM on August 30, 2011

Secret smoking is really common. My parents never really knew that I was a smoker. My SO has relatives (who are now grandparents!) who hide that they smoke from their parents.

If I were in your situation and felt the way you do, I'd want her to acknowledge that she smokes sometimes at not outright lie if asked. This isn't approval -- I think it's totally okay to set forth that you don't want to see it, smell it, hear about it, or deal with it.
posted by desuetude at 7:30 PM on August 30, 2011 [1 favorite]

It took Chantix and an actual will to quit for me to quit smoking.

My girlfriend, then fiance, now wife's repeated harassment helped me get there. For years I was on-again, off-again smoking. I lied repeatedly, chewed gum, aired out my car, talked down slips, minimized smoking, etc.

It fucking sucked. I wanted to quit for both her and for myself, but could not do it. And then did it. And then fucked up. And then quit again... etc.

You should not ignore it, nor let it go. You should both chide her for her smoking and lying and encourage and support her (and her quitting). But, you should realize that when and if she lies to you about it -- it's indicative of her addiction and not her inherent trustworthiness. She probably feels fucking awful beyond anything you can make her feel.

She has to do it herself, but you can help her get there.
posted by wrok at 7:38 PM on August 30, 2011

Do some research on nicotine addiction so you understand why she's having such a hard time quitting. Nicotine is really, really hard to quit. She needs tons of support.
posted by goblinbox at 7:55 PM on August 30, 2011

One great way to be supportive is to continue to inform yourself--as you have already started to do by reading Mefi archives on the subject, etc. Also, accept that it usually takes several attempts for a person to quit smoking. More importantly, and as obvious as it sounds, she has to want to quit smoking for quitting to be possible. Tackling addictions for other people doesn't work. I think it's because a big part of quitting is not wanting to do the addictive thing anymore (again, it sounds so obvious, but it's true). Meanwhile, her brain is going to come up with all kinds of nasty tricks to get her to smoke again, so her resolve has to be authentic. That means she can't be doing this just for you or anyone else. I quit smoking eight months ago and my SO was very supportive in lots of little ways. What it boiled down to was that he actually cared and was truly interested in, as well as invested in, my wish to no longer smoke. He informed himself about things like withdrawal, addiction, the vitamins I might need, etc. He didn't tell me he was doing this, it just became clear in conversation and it felt like total solidarity. It made me feel genuinely not alone in this. He also put zero pressure on me for the duration. He let me go though my thing and behaved as though he trusted I'd come out the other side myself again. And that trust made a huge difference.
posted by marimeko at 8:07 PM on August 30, 2011

I'll say one thing about honesty: it's a lot easier to be honest if people aren't going to be so judgmental about your behavior.
posted by ovvl at 8:24 PM on August 30, 2011 [6 favorites]

I had a girlfriend who was trying to quit smoking. She was able to do it. One night she turned to me and said that she wanted to thank me for helping her quit smoking. I said, uh okay, but I really didn't do anything.

She explained that I was the first person who didn't lecture her, tell her smoking was bad or anything like that. I just let her be and that allowed her to make up her own mind and not fight everyone who was telling her she was doing wrong. She said that made me the person who helped her the most in quitting.
posted by Ironmouth at 8:24 PM on August 30, 2011 [6 favorites]

This is from Quit Victoria, an anti-smoking organisation in Victoria, Australia. I really like the ad and the positive message- every time you quit, you get a little better at it, so don't give up on giving up.

Keep Quiting
(requires flash)

Tried to find the ad elsewhere, but here it is on the site.

It has helped me understand what quitters go through.
posted by titanium_geek at 8:53 PM on August 30, 2011 [1 favorite]

When I smoked I mostly successfully hid it from all friends and family. It wasn't something I was proud of, so I tended not to do it around people whose opinions I cared about. I also don't fart around these same people. I don't consider this to be dishonest. Just throwing that out there. I bet you behave differently around your friends than you do her. I bet you use different language, etc. This doesn't mean she's lying and covering things up, but rather she doesn't want to have to deal with this around you. Sometimes it's not worth the hassle.

When I smoked I didn't need the lectures. Like I didn't know I needed to quit? Dishonesty can also be seen as wanting to avoid recriminations.
posted by cjorgensen at 9:10 PM on August 30, 2011

I've mostly quit smoking recently. I smoked almost not at all but I smoked regularly and I decided I had had it. I've mostly managed it. It's the second time I've quit. Both times I've had insomnia so bad that it's messed up my sleep for months [I'm an end-of-the-day smoker], it's sort of tough. At the end of last year my boyfriend quit for the second time since I've known him. He used patches and a bunch of different techniques and he's quit since then. We're very honest with each other if we slip up [well, I think we are] and are both very supportive both of the quitting-grouchiness period and also the hey-you're-going-to-fuck-up-maybe second guessing.

The big deal, to me, is that I met him when he was a smoker and I told him that it was not a dealbreaker and it wasn't. This meant, to me, that I accepted him when he smoked and also when he didn't smoke, but that I could set limits on how much his smoking affected me [he couldn't smoke in my house, for example, and if we were late we were NOT going to wait five minutes while he had a cigarette] and be supportive if he decided to quit but could not make him quit. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't delighted that he decided to quit but that's mostly because I adore him and the thought of him being healthier longer pleases me.

So, I don't know if your question is really about how to support your girlfriend in quitting or how to encourage/make her quit. They are two different questions with different tactics. I think you need to first ask yourself if it's a dealbreaker and then approach her as someone who can support her quitting attempts, not mandate them. Good luck.
posted by jessamyn at 11:32 PM on August 30, 2011 [2 favorites]

I agree with the many above commenters who say that she has to want to quit for herself, that lying about it is weird, and that she might be a less inclined to lie if she felt like she wouldn't be judged. I also agree that she might not really want to quit, and you might have to decide if that's a dealbreaker for you or not. (For me, the smoking wouldn't be a dealbreaker, but the lying would be.)

THAT SAID, I think the three pillars of quitting smoking (for willing people) are education, preparation and social support.

EDUCATION: stuff like knowing that smoking blocks caffeine metabolism, so when you quit smoking suddenly your normal coffee intake will shoot your nerves through the roof. Similarly, nicotine keeps your blood sugar levels up, meaning that a person who's used to smoking and skipping meals will suddenly find they have lower blood sugar than expected -- new non-smokers should carry almonds or some other healthy snack.

PREPARATION: knowing what smoking does for you. People use cigarettes for a lot of reasons -- to relieve stress, to feel rebellious, to relax, to breathe deeply, to have an excuse to go outside, to have an excuse to strike up conversations with strangers on the street, to bide time while waiting for the bus, etc. A good thing to do if you want to quit smoking is to make a list of the cigarettes you smoked during the day and what each one did for you, and then try and find ways to fulfill those same needs without smoking. Also, write a list of the five things you most want from quitting smoking and keep it in your pocket -- when you have an urge to smoke take the list out and remember why you're doing what you're doing.

SUPPORT: joining a quit-smoking group (many states have 1-800 numbers that can help you find a free one) and/or having a quit buddy (even a person who used to smoke and quit a long time ago) can be quite supportive. Hanging out with people who don't smoke can be useful; staying out of bars for a while might be a good idea.

OTHER STUFF: Some folks find acupuncture and hypnosis useful; some find Chantix, Wellbutrin or nicotine patches to be useful.
posted by hungrytiger at 11:44 PM on August 30, 2011 [3 favorites]

Your girlfriend doesn't want to quit smoking -- she wants to want to quit. She's not there yet. Can you live with her the way things are? Supporting her once she decides to make the change is great, and there are great ways to do that. But what if she stays like she is? Can you love her without letting that color your relationship with disapproval and judgement? I don't need to tell you how bad that is for a relationship. But so is trying to change someone. It has to come from her, not from pressure from other people.
posted by lemniskate at 4:35 AM on August 31, 2011

Quickly from me:

1) If you didn't notice her smoking for 6 months, whilst dating her, its really not going to be a big deal if she keeps doing it, unless you make it a big deal. Clearly it wasn't something you'd noticed particularity. She'll give up in her own time - you can't force people to quit, they have to want to. The question is really if you're happy dating her in the meanwhile.

2)Really not telling someone you smoke is not really a massive betrayal as some have suggested. In a dating situation you can easily see how forgetting to mention you smoke on the first date becomes very hard to own up to later on - and harder with every subsequent date.

3) If she actually wants to quit, rather than simply saying that to appease you, I'd strongly recommend Champix, which, along with extra exercise, really helped me to quit, after smoking for 16-odd years.

Good luck!
posted by prentiz at 7:03 AM on August 31, 2011

She's angry and defensive because it's none of your business. If you don't want to date a smoker, then don't date her. Otherwise don't bring it up. I wonder if, at this point, it's more about the perceived betrayal than it is about the actual act of smoking.

FWIW my husband made it clear within weeks of meeting me that he was disgusted by smoking. The implication was that he would not continue to date me. That was incentive enough for me to stop. Since you've been dating awhile, an ultimatum isn't likely to go as well, but it is one option.
posted by desjardins at 9:39 AM on August 31, 2011


I think you need to first ask yourself if it's a dealbreaker and then approach her as someone who can support her quitting attempts, not mandate them. Good luck.

That sounds like a friendlier approach--it's all well and good that I have never smoked, etc but I have to respect her past and love her for who she is, which includes her smoking.

It would have been a deal-breaker from the start--had I known she is a smoker, I would never have gone on a date with her (I'm sorry if that sounds callous). But after having fallen in love with her and being together for six months at the time (almost eight months now) I was and am committed and willing to do anything to help her quit.


Quickly from me:

1) If you didn't notice her smoking for 6 months, whilst dating her, its really not going to be a big deal if she keeps doing it, unless you make it a big deal. Clearly it wasn't something you'd noticed particularity. She'll give up in her own time - you can't force people to quit, they have to want to. The question is really if you're happy dating her in the meanwhile.

2)Really not telling someone you smoke is not really a massive betrayal as some have suggested. In a dating situation you can easily see how forgetting to mention you smoke on the first date becomes very hard to own up to later on - and harder with every subsequent date.

3) If she actually wants to quit, rather than simply saying that to appease you, I'd strongly recommend Champix, which, along with extra exercise, really helped me to quit, after smoking for 16-odd years.

1) We met online and she indicated she is a non-smoker and that she was looking for the same. We saw each other every day in the evenings, long after she had had plenty of time to shower and change her clothing--and I'm not naturally mistrusting of others, so I didn't even think to look for signs of smoking.

If I suspect someone of having lied to me, I often feel guilty simply for not trusting them more. I believe firmly that it is better to trust someone fully and risk a betrayal than to live a cynic's life never fully believing anyone.

2) I feel like it is a betrayal because she didn't even tell me before we moved in together.

3) She and I both work out regularly, but I think you're right. I can't make her want to do it.


She's angry and defensive because it's none of your business.

I think it is my business because we made the commitment to live together and she didn't tell me before we made that choice.
posted by vkxmai at 9:47 AM on August 31, 2011

I am jumping in late, but: one thing to keep in mind is that quitting smoking is very, very difficult, and many people who do try (or say that they are going to try) can get defensive because a lot of people around them will nag them about it, make little editorial comments if there is a slip, or complain if they are impacted by the quitting. It gets frustrating because it's a "damned if you do, damned if you don't" situation: either you don't quit, and your partner complains about how gross smoking (and by extension, you) are, or you do, and they complain about all the coughing/crying/fainting/wrecked menstrual cycle/nausea/caffeine jitters/needing to leave this bar rightnow! because if you are near cigarettes a second longer, you are going to freak out.

Quitting smoking was the absolute most difficult thing I've ever done. Ever.
I felt like I had come down with some terrible case of influenza that lasted three solid months. It wasn't until the six-month mark that I felt as though I had actually recovered from quitting, at least physically. I didn't stop actively wanting to smoke (sometimes desperately) until I had hit the 1.5 year mark. Two and a half years later, I am glad I don't smoke, but I also won't lie: sometimes I still get the random urge, and sometimes I still feel weird (i.e. jealous) when hanging out with smokers.

Despite all the anti-smoking slogans out there, not a lot is said about how nicotine effects people on a systemic level, and how one will go through major systemic changes when quitting, many of which are uncomfortable, frightening, or completely gross. At lot of people who have never smoked or never quit often downplay (or even complain about) these difficulties, and can be rather insensitive (to outright rude) about the entire process and about what one has to go through in order to stay quit.

Even though I never hid my smoking or my (sometimes failed) attempts at quitting, I can understand why some people choose to hide it from those around them. It seems just easier that way.

Something to keep in mind.

Also, I used the local version of this site as I was quitting, mainly because I liked the timer that counted how many days I had been cigarette-free.
posted by vivid postcard at 10:26 AM on August 31, 2011 [1 favorite]

You can't change other people, you can only change yourself.
posted by SassHat at 1:12 PM on September 1, 2011

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