Cheated on and dumped... would you call it a day?
August 30, 2011 1:12 PM Subscribe
Cheated on and dumped... would you call it a day?
After almost 6 years, my boyfriend had a drunk snog (not premeditated, a one off sort of a thing, which he immediately told her was a mistake) with a work colleague. He told me about it the next day, and as if that wasn't bad enough, simultaneously dumped me as he said he did it to get out of our relationship. I'm his first girlfriend, we were 19 when we started dating. He said he 'just wasn't sure' and 'wanted to be single'.
Three days later he changed his mind. I moved out of the flat the two of us shared with friends, thought about it for a month, attempted to level the score by having a one night stand (which was incredibly counter productive) then tentatively agreed to give it another go.
I've been promised the Earth, given silly numbers of gifts, lavished with attention etc etc, we have had some amazing dates and at moments talked and had a much deeper and honest connection than we perhaps did before. BUT it's been 4 months since the 'kissgate' and I'm not getting over the humiliation of being dumped and cheated on, although it is very very gradually and painstakingly diminishing.
Furthermore, now he's clarified his issues he is ready to commit to me and for us to 'grow up'; get our own place, stop all the socialising and drinking we both like so much, think about kids, focus more on each other. But I liked things they were before - at 25, I still don't feel ready to be an adult completely - I love him, but I also love my autonomy.
We were really special once, I know that. But can we really claw it back?
After almost 6 years, my boyfriend had a drunk snog (not premeditated, a one off sort of a thing, which he immediately told her was a mistake) with a work colleague. He told me about it the next day, and as if that wasn't bad enough, simultaneously dumped me as he said he did it to get out of our relationship. I'm his first girlfriend, we were 19 when we started dating. He said he 'just wasn't sure' and 'wanted to be single'.
Three days later he changed his mind. I moved out of the flat the two of us shared with friends, thought about it for a month, attempted to level the score by having a one night stand (which was incredibly counter productive) then tentatively agreed to give it another go.
I've been promised the Earth, given silly numbers of gifts, lavished with attention etc etc, we have had some amazing dates and at moments talked and had a much deeper and honest connection than we perhaps did before. BUT it's been 4 months since the 'kissgate' and I'm not getting over the humiliation of being dumped and cheated on, although it is very very gradually and painstakingly diminishing.
Furthermore, now he's clarified his issues he is ready to commit to me and for us to 'grow up'; get our own place, stop all the socialising and drinking we both like so much, think about kids, focus more on each other. But I liked things they were before - at 25, I still don't feel ready to be an adult completely - I love him, but I also love my autonomy.
We were really special once, I know that. But can we really claw it back?
I generally say once a cheater always a cheater, but I think that the fact that he told you about it immediately and dumped you right afterwards actually comes across as kind of honest, although it was handled in a spectacularly awful way.
So I don't think the fact that he cheated on you was an irrecoverable betrayal of trust in the way that a long-term affair would have been. It was just a break up done backwards.
That said, if you're feeling unwilling to commit, there is probably a good reason for it. You've been dating for a long time. Stay friends, but spend some time by yourself. If he's as willing to commit as he says, he'll wait for you.
posted by empath at 1:18 PM on August 30, 2011 [1 favorite]
So I don't think the fact that he cheated on you was an irrecoverable betrayal of trust in the way that a long-term affair would have been. It was just a break up done backwards.
That said, if you're feeling unwilling to commit, there is probably a good reason for it. You've been dating for a long time. Stay friends, but spend some time by yourself. If he's as willing to commit as he says, he'll wait for you.
posted by empath at 1:18 PM on August 30, 2011 [1 favorite]
Yeah, if I understand the timeline right, the cheating/breakup went down a month ago, and you sound like you're kind done with the guy. You also have my permission to not do this.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 1:19 PM on August 30, 2011 [3 favorites]
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 1:19 PM on August 30, 2011 [3 favorites]
Best answer: he said he [cheated] to get out of our relationship
This is absurd and immature, and sets off about ten bazillion alarms for me as far as his ability to handle conflict goes. I would write the douchebag off on this alone, but YMMV.
attempted to level the score by having a one night stand
This is also pretty immature. Have all the one night stands you want--but doing it for "payback" is petty and silly.
If the terms on which he wants to get back together with you are not going to make you happy (you'd have to "grow up", you'd have to stop going out, etc), then the relationship will not make you happy. If you really want to start the relationship back up again, you need to be really open and communicate to him that you still want to be able to have your autonomy, otherwise you're just setting yourself up for failure.
posted by phunniemee at 1:19 PM on August 30, 2011 [2 favorites]
This is absurd and immature, and sets off about ten bazillion alarms for me as far as his ability to handle conflict goes. I would write the douchebag off on this alone, but YMMV.
attempted to level the score by having a one night stand
This is also pretty immature. Have all the one night stands you want--but doing it for "payback" is petty and silly.
If the terms on which he wants to get back together with you are not going to make you happy (you'd have to "grow up", you'd have to stop going out, etc), then the relationship will not make you happy. If you really want to start the relationship back up again, you need to be really open and communicate to him that you still want to be able to have your autonomy, otherwise you're just setting yourself up for failure.
posted by phunniemee at 1:19 PM on August 30, 2011 [2 favorites]
Best answer: He wouldn't be the first person to have a what-the-bloody-hell-was-I-thinking moment and promptly get his head out of his backside.
And if you go forward with him, seems like it doesn't need to be all or nothing.
Any sense of how he feels about the prospect of moving forward slowly--to serve your best interests and his--on mutually agreeable terms?
Not clear how good things were for six years, but if they were good, maybe it's worth giving it a go without both of you leaping right back in up to your eyebrows?
posted by ambient2 at 1:23 PM on August 30, 2011 [1 favorite]
And if you go forward with him, seems like it doesn't need to be all or nothing.
Any sense of how he feels about the prospect of moving forward slowly--to serve your best interests and his--on mutually agreeable terms?
Not clear how good things were for six years, but if they were good, maybe it's worth giving it a go without both of you leaping right back in up to your eyebrows?
posted by ambient2 at 1:23 PM on August 30, 2011 [1 favorite]
If the relationship doesn't make you happy either try to fix it or get out. You seem to have tried to fix it.
So the question is, is it worth it to still try to fix it? If not get out. There's nothing wrong with not wanting to settle down at 25.
posted by theichibun at 1:24 PM on August 30, 2011
So the question is, is it worth it to still try to fix it? If not get out. There's nothing wrong with not wanting to settle down at 25.
posted by theichibun at 1:24 PM on August 30, 2011
I love him, but I also love my autonomy.
See if you can pull him back from the edge a bit. He might be overcompensating for (nearly) letting everything go to shit, realizing how miserable things are without you, and now trying to lock the relationship down for good.
posted by griphus at 1:29 PM on August 30, 2011 [6 favorites]
See if you can pull him back from the edge a bit. He might be overcompensating for (nearly) letting everything go to shit, realizing how miserable things are without you, and now trying to lock the relationship down for good.
posted by griphus at 1:29 PM on August 30, 2011 [6 favorites]
To recap:
1. He cheats on you and breaks up with you, which is obviously upsetting to you. His trite rationale: he's not ready for a relationship.
2. You get back together and he acts wonderful, almost bizarrely wonderful.
3. In a striking turnaround from when he was fooling around with a coworker because he wasn't even ready for a relationship, now he says he wants "for us to 'grow up'; get our own place, stop all the socialising and drinking we both like so much, think about kids, focus more on each other." As you explained, you're not too happy about this either.
#1 and #3 are so diametrically opposed that it's hard to know what to make of the situation. #2 sounds like it was nice for a while, though a fairly transparent gambit on his part to get back together with you after he behaved so badly.
He sounds very erratic and unreliable in a way that's wildly out of sync with what you want. Does he sufficiently compensate for this with gifts, amazing dates, and deep connections? That's something I'm not qualified to answer; the decision is up to you.
posted by John Cohen at 1:32 PM on August 30, 2011 [1 favorite]
1. He cheats on you and breaks up with you, which is obviously upsetting to you. His trite rationale: he's not ready for a relationship.
2. You get back together and he acts wonderful, almost bizarrely wonderful.
3. In a striking turnaround from when he was fooling around with a coworker because he wasn't even ready for a relationship, now he says he wants "for us to 'grow up'; get our own place, stop all the socialising and drinking we both like so much, think about kids, focus more on each other." As you explained, you're not too happy about this either.
#1 and #3 are so diametrically opposed that it's hard to know what to make of the situation. #2 sounds like it was nice for a while, though a fairly transparent gambit on his part to get back together with you after he behaved so badly.
He sounds very erratic and unreliable in a way that's wildly out of sync with what you want. Does he sufficiently compensate for this with gifts, amazing dates, and deep connections? That's something I'm not qualified to answer; the decision is up to you.
posted by John Cohen at 1:32 PM on August 30, 2011 [1 favorite]
Best answer: The drunken snog isn't the issue, dumping you afterwards is. The guy needs to date other people to gain some experience, and now is clinging to you out of fear of the unknown. If you've been dating that long since 19, I'd think it's time to see what else is out there for both you and him (and no, one night stands don't constitute experience). Wait until you are both comfortable being single and are over the breakup jitters before you decide to get back together. If you get back together, do so out of strength, not out of weakness.
As far as the "marriage/next life stage" part goes, jumping into further committment as a response to a lack of it shows a lack of self-awareness on his part. Marriage and kids don't solve any problems, they will only compound ones that already exist.
posted by benzenedream at 1:37 PM on August 30, 2011 [14 favorites]
As far as the "marriage/next life stage" part goes, jumping into further committment as a response to a lack of it shows a lack of self-awareness on his part. Marriage and kids don't solve any problems, they will only compound ones that already exist.
posted by benzenedream at 1:37 PM on August 30, 2011 [14 favorites]
A friend has what he calls the "no takebacks, no do overs" rule in relationships. You dump him once, it's over. I like this rule a lot.
posted by mollymayhem at 1:38 PM on August 30, 2011 [6 favorites]
posted by mollymayhem at 1:38 PM on August 30, 2011 [6 favorites]
Why don't you not make a decision for 30 days and see how you feel then. If you're not sure then, take another 30 days. So on and so forth. This is a big decision. You should be really comfortable making it. Seriously.
posted by phaedon at 1:39 PM on August 30, 2011 [8 favorites]
posted by phaedon at 1:39 PM on August 30, 2011 [8 favorites]
There's a scale, you know. At one end there's a years-long emotional affair conducted behind your back, and close to the other there's kissing someone while drunk at a party, immediately realising that it was a mistake, and telling you the next day. Neither is acceptable behaviour in the context of a monogamous relationship, but one is clearly on a different level to the other.
It seems to me that the real issue is an underlying one that has been forced into the open by this incident. You both need to figure out whether you want to be in this relationship, and whether you are willing to put in what it takes to make it succeed.
posted by Urtylug at 1:43 PM on August 30, 2011 [1 favorite]
It seems to me that the real issue is an underlying one that has been forced into the open by this incident. You both need to figure out whether you want to be in this relationship, and whether you are willing to put in what it takes to make it succeed.
posted by Urtylug at 1:43 PM on August 30, 2011 [1 favorite]
You were 19 when you started dating? Try dating someone else for a while and see if it's better. My hunch is that it will be.
posted by Ragged Richard at 1:45 PM on August 30, 2011
posted by Ragged Richard at 1:45 PM on August 30, 2011
Response by poster: Well we were really good for 6 years, but as benzenedream says, it was a lack of experience that set this off - hard to commit when you've no prior relationships to compare things to.
I'm more than happy to be on my own, so is he I think, but something inside me doesn't want to throw us away. But I'm terrified he will have this weird trapped feeling again in 10 years time. Half of me thinks this experience has made him realise what he has and hold onto it with both hands, half of me thinks it will just rear it's ugly head again! Thank you for your replies, they are all really helpful.
posted by hopecottage at 1:46 PM on August 30, 2011
I'm more than happy to be on my own, so is he I think, but something inside me doesn't want to throw us away. But I'm terrified he will have this weird trapped feeling again in 10 years time. Half of me thinks this experience has made him realise what he has and hold onto it with both hands, half of me thinks it will just rear it's ugly head again! Thank you for your replies, they are all really helpful.
posted by hopecottage at 1:46 PM on August 30, 2011
I don't know, I think you can definitely dump someone, realize you made a huge mistake, and get back together even more committed than ever. My husband pulled that one on me when we were dating, and now we're happily married with a baby. He never cheated, however.
I don't see any huge reasons to doubt your boyfriend's motivations. YOU don't seem very motivated, though. Maybe you just don't want to be with him anymore.
posted by that's how you get ants at 1:46 PM on August 30, 2011 [2 favorites]
I don't see any huge reasons to doubt your boyfriend's motivations. YOU don't seem very motivated, though. Maybe you just don't want to be with him anymore.
posted by that's how you get ants at 1:46 PM on August 30, 2011 [2 favorites]
You come across as kind of "do I have to?" Well no, you don't have to, if in fact that's your underlying question.
posted by tel3path at 1:49 PM on August 30, 2011
posted by tel3path at 1:49 PM on August 30, 2011
You both sound immature (no judgement, you're really young) and I'm not going to rush to condemn him - he just sounds confused and like he has lots of growing up to do - I think you both do.
You've been together a long time and you were teenagers when you got together, I think you should move on from this, look back on it as fondly as you can, figure out who you are as your own person, and date as an adult.
posted by crabintheocean at 2:05 PM on August 30, 2011
You've been together a long time and you were teenagers when you got together, I think you should move on from this, look back on it as fondly as you can, figure out who you are as your own person, and date as an adult.
posted by crabintheocean at 2:05 PM on August 30, 2011
He's had no prior experience? If he hasn't been in any significant relationships before and this has nagged him to the point where he cheated on you, I promise you, the nagging feeling will not go away until his oats are sown. I was in a position very similar to his--at 24 was in a three year relationship, no prior experience, lack of experience started nagging me. The nagging feeling never, ever went away. Broke off the relationship and am SO glad I did because the subsequent years of dating around has really helped clarify what I want out of a relationship and helped to tame somewhat the "what if" feelings.
Ending that three year relationship was one of the hardest things I've ever done. It was my first everything and there were multiple times in the immediate aftermath that I wanted to bolt right back into it despite knowing it was a terrible idea. You guys have been together for twice that long--right now he's probably scared shitless because he's never experienced adulthood without you. As soon as you settle back down the experience worries are coming back.
posted by Anonymous at 2:11 PM on August 30, 2011
Ending that three year relationship was one of the hardest things I've ever done. It was my first everything and there were multiple times in the immediate aftermath that I wanted to bolt right back into it despite knowing it was a terrible idea. You guys have been together for twice that long--right now he's probably scared shitless because he's never experienced adulthood without you. As soon as you settle back down the experience worries are coming back.
posted by Anonymous at 2:11 PM on August 30, 2011
"Really good for six years" seems like a lot to toss out, though it is a bump in the road that's big enough to bend a truck axle. Hard to see the loss in playing for some time. If you pull the plug at some point not years from now, you might well feel better to end up extra-sure rather than maybe not sure enough.
posted by ambient2 at 2:18 PM on August 30, 2011
posted by ambient2 at 2:18 PM on August 30, 2011
Without reading any comments I will say this... I literally did this exact same thing to my husband approximately 2 weeks before our wedding.
We had been together since I was 17 (6 years at the time). I drunkenly hooked up with a co-worker. I immediately regretted it. I told him the next morning. I then broke up with him.
He refused to let me leave - which I am SO SO SO SO SO grateful for.
I stuck it out, slightly confused as to why I would do such a terrible thing to him. He forgave and forgot. We are extremely happy and I never did anything like this EVER again. His maturity in light of my extremely immature behavior kind of helped me realize what REAL relationships are like. It was fucking stupid, but it's what happened and I am thankful every day that he didn't let me leave him because I felt guilty for being a god damned idiot.
If he is sincerely sorry, give him another shot.
posted by LZel at 2:23 PM on August 30, 2011 [3 favorites]
We had been together since I was 17 (6 years at the time). I drunkenly hooked up with a co-worker. I immediately regretted it. I told him the next morning. I then broke up with him.
He refused to let me leave - which I am SO SO SO SO SO grateful for.
I stuck it out, slightly confused as to why I would do such a terrible thing to him. He forgave and forgot. We are extremely happy and I never did anything like this EVER again. His maturity in light of my extremely immature behavior kind of helped me realize what REAL relationships are like. It was fucking stupid, but it's what happened and I am thankful every day that he didn't let me leave him because I felt guilty for being a god damned idiot.
If he is sincerely sorry, give him another shot.
posted by LZel at 2:23 PM on August 30, 2011 [3 favorites]
You have plenty of time to date other people who will treat you badly in a different way. If I were in your shoes, I would work to see what other maladjustments other people have. There is no need to go back to the same guy other than familiarity.
Unfortunately, if you do date other people, you may find someone who doesn't treat you badly, that compliments your strengths, and with whom you are able to find trust in. From your post, those might sound like you might not hold those qualities as desireable traits.
If you do decide not to get back together, do not view the six years as time wasted - you grew as a person, and I bet you have a better idea of what you want out of a relationship as such.
posted by Nanukthedog at 2:24 PM on August 30, 2011 [1 favorite]
Unfortunately, if you do date other people, you may find someone who doesn't treat you badly, that compliments your strengths, and with whom you are able to find trust in. From your post, those might sound like you might not hold those qualities as desireable traits.
If you do decide not to get back together, do not view the six years as time wasted - you grew as a person, and I bet you have a better idea of what you want out of a relationship as such.
posted by Nanukthedog at 2:24 PM on August 30, 2011 [1 favorite]
I'm so embarrassed, I had to look up snog, I thought he slept with someone else. Not that making out with someone else isn't bad, it's bad but it's not as bad as I thought it was.
I don't know, I give him a lot of points for being honest about what he did and then breaking up with you. If you want to move forward with this guy, you have to really and truly be able to get over kissgate. If you can't do that, you need to move on.
Maybe he's overreacting with an omg don't want to lose this panic. If you're not ready to grow up, don't. Seriously. Go back to the way it was before - tell him you want to date him and try to make it work but that you need your autonomy and you're not ready right now to be talking about kids and whatnot. Right now is the time to be upfront about what you need.
I can tell you that it's possible to get through much worse and end up on the other side with a relationship that is better than before. I wish I could give you some formula to do it. I can't though.
posted by mrs. taters at 2:28 PM on August 30, 2011
I don't know, I give him a lot of points for being honest about what he did and then breaking up with you. If you want to move forward with this guy, you have to really and truly be able to get over kissgate. If you can't do that, you need to move on.
Maybe he's overreacting with an omg don't want to lose this panic. If you're not ready to grow up, don't. Seriously. Go back to the way it was before - tell him you want to date him and try to make it work but that you need your autonomy and you're not ready right now to be talking about kids and whatnot. Right now is the time to be upfront about what you need.
I can tell you that it's possible to get through much worse and end up on the other side with a relationship that is better than before. I wish I could give you some formula to do it. I can't though.
posted by mrs. taters at 2:28 PM on August 30, 2011
My two cents: He sounds like he's doing what he thinks he's supposed to be doing.
While the feelings may be as real as thinks they are...and he has reason to feel regret, one does not usually experience satori, make a plan and stick to it for the rest of one's life. In other words, I think you both have some growing up to do. It's a big world out there and you're just starting to come into your own at 25.
If you're not ready to be with him for the rest of your life, then break it off. See/meet other people. Go on a trip, hit the gym, buy some new clothes, meet some new people and do all the stuff you couldn't do or get around to as part of a couple. Think.
See if you and your guy can be friends...but don't be close friends.
If find you can't live without him, then go back. If you find your life purposeful and have no regret, then the world is your oyster.
Right?
posted by black8 at 2:29 PM on August 30, 2011
While the feelings may be as real as thinks they are...and he has reason to feel regret, one does not usually experience satori, make a plan and stick to it for the rest of one's life. In other words, I think you both have some growing up to do. It's a big world out there and you're just starting to come into your own at 25.
If you're not ready to be with him for the rest of your life, then break it off. See/meet other people. Go on a trip, hit the gym, buy some new clothes, meet some new people and do all the stuff you couldn't do or get around to as part of a couple. Think.
See if you and your guy can be friends...but don't be close friends.
If find you can't live without him, then go back. If you find your life purposeful and have no regret, then the world is your oyster.
Right?
posted by black8 at 2:29 PM on August 30, 2011
Both of you will find someone better if you just move on.
posted by zephyr_words at 2:30 PM on August 30, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by zephyr_words at 2:30 PM on August 30, 2011 [2 favorites]
Though the sexes are reversed, by the time I was your age I had attempted this twice. It did not work out either time and took me a very long time to realize what a mistake both takebacks were and even longer to get over the damage I did to myself in thinking it was an OK way to behave. It was simply me wanting to be loyal, but ultimately I was only loyal like a abused dog is, i.e. stupidly.
Now, a substantial chunk of the baggage that led me to both was pre-existing, but suffice it to say that (eventually learning of) the aphorism that "relationships can't go backwards" struck me hard on these notes.
I know 6 years is hard, but you are still young and there is someone out there with all of the things you like about this guy without this problem. You say you don't want to throw the 6 years away, but to me, he is the one that threw them away. You're just trying to figure out if you should pick it up out of the trash can. As Jerry once said, "adjacent to refuse...is refuse."
posted by rhizome at 2:39 PM on August 30, 2011
Now, a substantial chunk of the baggage that led me to both was pre-existing, but suffice it to say that (eventually learning of) the aphorism that "relationships can't go backwards" struck me hard on these notes.
I know 6 years is hard, but you are still young and there is someone out there with all of the things you like about this guy without this problem. You say you don't want to throw the 6 years away, but to me, he is the one that threw them away. You're just trying to figure out if you should pick it up out of the trash can. As Jerry once said, "adjacent to refuse...is refuse."
posted by rhizome at 2:39 PM on August 30, 2011
Response by poster: "I know 6 years is hard, but you are still young and there is someone out there with all of the things you like about this guy without this problem. You say you don't want to throw the 6 years away, but to me, he is the one that threw them away. You're just trying to figure out if you should pick it up out of the trash can. As Jerry once said, "adjacent to refuse...is refuse."
True, but relationships will always be hard work. If it isn't this problem, ultimately whatever new relationship I embark upon will hit upon a different one at some point I'm sure... In an ideal world, no one screws up, and no one lets anyone else down, but this isn't an ideal world.
I don't know, I feel that I don't want to throw it away, and that doubts are natural. But similarly, I am hugely confused, hence my asking for advice. It is interesting that there are so many different responses.... I suppose relationships are divisive issues!
posted by hopecottage at 3:24 PM on August 30, 2011
True, but relationships will always be hard work. If it isn't this problem, ultimately whatever new relationship I embark upon will hit upon a different one at some point I'm sure... In an ideal world, no one screws up, and no one lets anyone else down, but this isn't an ideal world.
I don't know, I feel that I don't want to throw it away, and that doubts are natural. But similarly, I am hugely confused, hence my asking for advice. It is interesting that there are so many different responses.... I suppose relationships are divisive issues!
posted by hopecottage at 3:24 PM on August 30, 2011
I spent the entirety of my college years in a relationship with a guy who kind of sucked. We had our good times, sure, but it just wasn't going to work out. The relationship went on probably two years longer than it should have because I didn't want to "lose" all the time I had invested. I kept thinking, "I've lasted this long, god damnit, I'm going to make things work through sheer force of will!" Well, real life doesn't work like that.
We broke up, I was pissed for a while that I had wasted so much time on him, I moved on, and found a new guy who's wonderful. And I realized that I hadn't wasted all those years at all. I had learned a lot about how I act in relationships, and used that to make my life better.
Good relationships require work, sure, but at the end of the day you're happy. Bad relationships require a lot of work, and at the end of the day you're frustrated and exhausted and thinking/hoping, "well some day it will get better." If the only reason you have for staying with this guy is that you've invested six years into him, that is not a good enough reason.
posted by phunniemee at 4:04 PM on August 30, 2011 [3 favorites]
We broke up, I was pissed for a while that I had wasted so much time on him, I moved on, and found a new guy who's wonderful. And I realized that I hadn't wasted all those years at all. I had learned a lot about how I act in relationships, and used that to make my life better.
Good relationships require work, sure, but at the end of the day you're happy. Bad relationships require a lot of work, and at the end of the day you're frustrated and exhausted and thinking/hoping, "well some day it will get better." If the only reason you have for staying with this guy is that you've invested six years into him, that is not a good enough reason.
posted by phunniemee at 4:04 PM on August 30, 2011 [3 favorites]
I don't think you should stay together. I think the "stay together and grow up" push will put you in a position you will not be happy in long term - because you do not sound like you want to do that yet plus he sets himself in a "superior" position for suggesting it. It sounds very guilt-based and totally not fun. There is working at a relationship, and then there is a relationship that is like a second job that you don't really want to come home to - you should think about which yours is. Relationships should be a place where you can be yourself and relax, else you'll just be slowly chipped away at and broken down over the years. Also be careful of being stuck in a relationship that is on its face wonderful by all measures but just wrong for you in some way you cannot easily describe or describe at all, that trap can drive people crazy too. Relationships are odd and hard to quantify, but when you're really happy, you'll know it.
posted by meepmeow at 4:18 PM on August 30, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by meepmeow at 4:18 PM on August 30, 2011 [1 favorite]
Well, on the one hand I think what your boyfriend did was really crappy. I too am a fan of the once a cheater, always a cheater. That being said, your boyfriend based on his actions after cheating and dumping you....may be an exception here as there are exceptions. Since getting back together his behavior suggests that he deeply regrets what he did and seriously wants to pursue a relationship with you and perhaps even marry you. It's definitely a one eighty and might be very overwhelming but it seems sincere. I think it was wrong of you to sleep with someone else for revenge. In my opinion it almost cancels out what he did. As others have said both of you are being very immature. But you're young and people do make mistakes. I'd say that if you guys wanna work it out, I'd give it a try. But slow down a bit. Tell your boyfriend you'd like to take things slow. See if you can find a way to get yourselves back into a good healthy relationship. Then, if you guys want, you can think about more serious ways to advance the relationship. It seems that you may not wanna be in the relationship anymore regardless. Perhaps he sensed this and that's part of the reason he had a one night stand. That certainly doesn't make it right. But cheating, whether done drunk or sober, is almost always the result of a need or needs not being met in a relationship. What wasn't your boyfriend getting in your relationship that he wanted elsewhere? Have you guys been having regular sex? Were you spending a lot of time together or were you drifting apart? Were you openly communicating? Were you loving and respectful to each other? Who knows. If you are still interested in being with this guy, go for it. Take it slow. If not, be honest, be mature and make a clean break. Hope this hleps.
posted by ljs30 at 4:56 PM on August 30, 2011
posted by ljs30 at 4:56 PM on August 30, 2011
I would call it a day.
posted by J. Wilson at 5:49 PM on August 30, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by J. Wilson at 5:49 PM on August 30, 2011 [1 favorite]
seems like a good opportunity to say "I want to see what else, and who else, is out there. if we are meant to be together, maybe we will find out way back together someday. or not. but for now, i am going to see what else my life holds for me."
posted by davejay at 5:52 PM on August 30, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by davejay at 5:52 PM on August 30, 2011 [1 favorite]
I'm more than happy to be on my own, so is he I think, but something inside me doesn't want to throw us away.
Let it go. For at least a year. If you two have a solid enough connection that you can be friends or revisit the relationship after some good solid space, then rethink giving it a go. This really does work sometimes. Or you may just be friends. Or maybe you both will have moved on and can amicably make your peace with that.
posted by desuetude at 10:56 PM on August 30, 2011
Let it go. For at least a year. If you two have a solid enough connection that you can be friends or revisit the relationship after some good solid space, then rethink giving it a go. This really does work sometimes. Or you may just be friends. Or maybe you both will have moved on and can amicably make your peace with that.
posted by desuetude at 10:56 PM on August 30, 2011
But can we really claw it back?
To answer you question very simply: No, you can't.
Once infidelity finds it's way into a relationship, the relationship is never the same if you attempt to reconcile. It's always there.
I'd move on from him, if I were you.
posted by PsuDab93 at 5:57 AM on August 31, 2011
To answer you question very simply: No, you can't.
Once infidelity finds it's way into a relationship, the relationship is never the same if you attempt to reconcile. It's always there.
I'd move on from him, if I were you.
posted by PsuDab93 at 5:57 AM on August 31, 2011
True, but relationships will always be hard work. If it isn't this problem, ultimately whatever new relationship I embark upon will hit upon a different one at some point I'm sure...
Yeahbut, there's hard work and then there's hard work.
Hard work in good relationships is hard work in the same sense that, I don't know, climbing a mountain is hard work. Yeah, it's tough and it's a struggle and the paths are steep and your boots give you blisters and there's times when even getting the next three steps in feels exhausting, but you're getting somewhere. Get past that tough spot and you're really high up, you can see for miles, you've truly achieved something, you feel awesome. You've got somewhere.
Hard work in bad relationships is more like walking down the street on your knees. In the rain. At rush hour. Still tough, still a struggle, but when you get to the end of the street, you've not really got anywhere you couldn't have got to a whole lot more easily.
It's not about how much work it takes. It's about where that work is getting you. Getting over something as tough as what you've been through is hard, hard work all right, but only you can decide where the place that hard work will get you is somewhere you want to be. You don't want the kids-and-cohabitation route just yet? Not a problem, but you need to know what you do want - if you could design an ideal future, short-term as well as long-term, what would this relationship look like for you?
posted by Catseye at 6:05 AM on August 31, 2011 [3 favorites]
Yeahbut, there's hard work and then there's hard work.
Hard work in good relationships is hard work in the same sense that, I don't know, climbing a mountain is hard work. Yeah, it's tough and it's a struggle and the paths are steep and your boots give you blisters and there's times when even getting the next three steps in feels exhausting, but you're getting somewhere. Get past that tough spot and you're really high up, you can see for miles, you've truly achieved something, you feel awesome. You've got somewhere.
Hard work in bad relationships is more like walking down the street on your knees. In the rain. At rush hour. Still tough, still a struggle, but when you get to the end of the street, you've not really got anywhere you couldn't have got to a whole lot more easily.
It's not about how much work it takes. It's about where that work is getting you. Getting over something as tough as what you've been through is hard, hard work all right, but only you can decide where the place that hard work will get you is somewhere you want to be. You don't want the kids-and-cohabitation route just yet? Not a problem, but you need to know what you do want - if you could design an ideal future, short-term as well as long-term, what would this relationship look like for you?
posted by Catseye at 6:05 AM on August 31, 2011 [3 favorites]
I don't think your boyfriend is a horrible guy based on what you said but I do think you're both making a terrible mistake.
Attempting to guess his motives: He likely broke up with you after he drunkenly kissed the other woman because he realized he's 25 and he hasn't kissed very many women and has only kissed you for the last 6 years. He likely got back with you because he thought he was throwing away 6 years on a whim; He's been with you this long he just has to commit to being with you forever and forswear any taste of the variety of what life has to offer.
So, yeah, why not shack up, put a ring on it, and pop a bun in the oven?
I think you should consider breaking up not because anyone did anything wrong, but because you don't want to spend the rest of your life with him and he's pushing for stronger commitment! 19-25 is a big and important stretch of time, you're both probably a little stunted from spending those years on one person and not really learning how to negotiate(or even initiate) relationships with other people. If you stay together sooner or later one of you is probably going to get a wandering eye, do you want that to be when you're a 30 year old who has no clue how to engage with men her age? Does he want to be a 30 year old out of an 11 year exclusive relationship?
TL;DR - If you're not both on the same page after 6 years, starting from such a formative age, break up and enjoy life.
posted by TheKM at 6:08 AM on August 31, 2011
Attempting to guess his motives: He likely broke up with you after he drunkenly kissed the other woman because he realized he's 25 and he hasn't kissed very many women and has only kissed you for the last 6 years. He likely got back with you because he thought he was throwing away 6 years on a whim; He's been with you this long he just has to commit to being with you forever and forswear any taste of the variety of what life has to offer.
So, yeah, why not shack up, put a ring on it, and pop a bun in the oven?
I think you should consider breaking up not because anyone did anything wrong, but because you don't want to spend the rest of your life with him and he's pushing for stronger commitment! 19-25 is a big and important stretch of time, you're both probably a little stunted from spending those years on one person and not really learning how to negotiate(or even initiate) relationships with other people. If you stay together sooner or later one of you is probably going to get a wandering eye, do you want that to be when you're a 30 year old who has no clue how to engage with men her age? Does he want to be a 30 year old out of an 11 year exclusive relationship?
TL;DR - If you're not both on the same page after 6 years, starting from such a formative age, break up and enjoy life.
posted by TheKM at 6:08 AM on August 31, 2011
At the end of the day, you have to ask yourself if you are the kind of person who can give (and receive the results of) people real, viable second (and third) chances to change their ways ... or are you not. No judgment - I just think people are wired differently (which is why we also run the gamut of responses here from "DTMFA- stat!!!" to "eh, he screwed up, we all screwed up, take a deep breath, sleep on it and figure out how you feel in the morning. or the next day."
Seems like your real fear is the one you mention above:
But I'm terrified he will have this weird trapped feeling again in 10 years time.
Sweetheart, many of us in LT relationships have felt that same fear profoundly, and the one thing I can say about it that helped me chill was: I don't know. I can't know. He doesn't/can't know. We, together, simply do not know. We can only be who are in this moment and if those future moments of terror come, well, that's the time to decide how to behave and what to do.
FWIW, in my experience what both of you have done doesn't seem to deserve an intense amount of self-flagellation. The world is complicated, you're kinda young (although we all are in this way) and a lot of different and crazy shit happens during the relationship formation stage. Either you can be true to yourself and roll with it, or you're true to yourself and get out.
posted by hapax_legomenon at 10:52 PM on August 31, 2011 [1 favorite]
Seems like your real fear is the one you mention above:
But I'm terrified he will have this weird trapped feeling again in 10 years time.
Sweetheart, many of us in LT relationships have felt that same fear profoundly, and the one thing I can say about it that helped me chill was: I don't know. I can't know. He doesn't/can't know. We, together, simply do not know. We can only be who are in this moment and if those future moments of terror come, well, that's the time to decide how to behave and what to do.
FWIW, in my experience what both of you have done doesn't seem to deserve an intense amount of self-flagellation. The world is complicated, you're kinda young (although we all are in this way) and a lot of different and crazy shit happens during the relationship formation stage. Either you can be true to yourself and roll with it, or you're true to yourself and get out.
posted by hapax_legomenon at 10:52 PM on August 31, 2011 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by something something at 1:14 PM on August 30, 2011 [6 favorites]