Not Exactly As Shown
August 28, 2011 3:08 PM Subscribe
I'm a woman and I had a first date yesterday with a guy I met online. He sent me pictures that were obviously several years old because he's at least 50 pounds heavier now. I need help deciding whether I should continue to see him.
I found the thin guy in the pics hot, but the real, chubby guy was just average to me. I didn't say anything and we went out and had a decent time regardless. It was comfortable to hang out with him and we laughed a lot.
He seemed to really like me, and he has a lot of qualities that I adore and want in someone I date--he's sweet, attentive and seems to have a very good heart. However, I'm not sure if I should invest time and emotional energy into further dates with him because I don't know if I can get over the looks thing. I don't find him repulsive at all, but I do want a partner who I can look at and think of as attractive. Sex is a super important part of a relationship to me and from past experience, if I don't find you sexy, we will probably never have super hot satisfying sex unless I close my eyes and think I'm being f***** by Ewan McGregor.
So, I was wondering if there's any way I can hint that I was attracted to the photos of him which are different from what he looks like now. You know, as a way to see if he has plans to lose the weight eventually. (I realize many people go up and down in weight due to life circumstances--I've been there myself.) I couldn't think of a way to bring this up during the date without possibly being rude. But then again, it was kind of misleading of him to send pics that were so different from the current him.
I would see him again just because I liked him as a person, but at the same time I don't want to lead him on, etc--he mentioned a harsh break up which took place a few months ago and he seems to be a bit emotionally fragile.
Do you guys think the attraction thing is just something i have to wait and see if it will develop, or should I just cut our losses now? Can anyone speak from experience?
I found the thin guy in the pics hot, but the real, chubby guy was just average to me. I didn't say anything and we went out and had a decent time regardless. It was comfortable to hang out with him and we laughed a lot.
He seemed to really like me, and he has a lot of qualities that I adore and want in someone I date--he's sweet, attentive and seems to have a very good heart. However, I'm not sure if I should invest time and emotional energy into further dates with him because I don't know if I can get over the looks thing. I don't find him repulsive at all, but I do want a partner who I can look at and think of as attractive. Sex is a super important part of a relationship to me and from past experience, if I don't find you sexy, we will probably never have super hot satisfying sex unless I close my eyes and think I'm being f***** by Ewan McGregor.
So, I was wondering if there's any way I can hint that I was attracted to the photos of him which are different from what he looks like now. You know, as a way to see if he has plans to lose the weight eventually. (I realize many people go up and down in weight due to life circumstances--I've been there myself.) I couldn't think of a way to bring this up during the date without possibly being rude. But then again, it was kind of misleading of him to send pics that were so different from the current him.
I would see him again just because I liked him as a person, but at the same time I don't want to lead him on, etc--he mentioned a harsh break up which took place a few months ago and he seems to be a bit emotionally fragile.
Do you guys think the attraction thing is just something i have to wait and see if it will develop, or should I just cut our losses now? Can anyone speak from experience?
He lied to you. That's one big thing. And restless nomad has made point number two. I vote for cutting your losses now.
posted by uans at 3:16 PM on August 28, 2011 [19 favorites]
posted by uans at 3:16 PM on August 28, 2011 [19 favorites]
You don't like the way he looks now. It's burned into us that you have to want a man for who he is now, not for his potential.
He doesn't like the way he looks now. If you hint that looks are the problem, he has already implicitly accused you of being shallow. He's actually started by manipulating you into a difficult position. That's the kind of thing I don't give the benefit of the doubt over any more.
As to whether he might be able to lose the weight over the next year or so if you hinted for it: A choreographer once said that if a dancer shows up to an audition heavier than the weight stated in their resume and tries to rationalize it, she knows that that's the least the dancer is ever going to weigh.
posted by tel3path at 3:19 PM on August 28, 2011 [1 favorite]
He doesn't like the way he looks now. If you hint that looks are the problem, he has already implicitly accused you of being shallow. He's actually started by manipulating you into a difficult position. That's the kind of thing I don't give the benefit of the doubt over any more.
As to whether he might be able to lose the weight over the next year or so if you hinted for it: A choreographer once said that if a dancer shows up to an audition heavier than the weight stated in their resume and tries to rationalize it, she knows that that's the least the dancer is ever going to weigh.
posted by tel3path at 3:19 PM on August 28, 2011 [1 favorite]
You had one date, yesterday. You don't have enough information to know whether you will get over the looks thing, and no one here can invent it for you. Speaking from experience, if it is a deep-wired thing -- closer to repulsion, in your terms -- there's not a sufficient chance you will get over it to warrant leading him on.
Otherwise, I can't say for you . . . for me, the longer I spend with someone, the less material any photograph (positive or negative) becomes, and ditto their real-life physical qualities.
I do think, though, that it would be a *terrible* idea to hint that you might be interested in thinner him, for so many reasons. Suppose he can't drop the weight. Suppose he does and you still dump him, having gotten over other first date impressions. Suppose he tells you that you hardly look as hot as your photo, either.
P.S. So many things do into the photos we choose of ourselves that I would get over the idea that you have additional license because of his "kind of misleading" behavior.
posted by Clyde Mnestra at 3:19 PM on August 28, 2011 [8 favorites]
Otherwise, I can't say for you . . . for me, the longer I spend with someone, the less material any photograph (positive or negative) becomes, and ditto their real-life physical qualities.
I do think, though, that it would be a *terrible* idea to hint that you might be interested in thinner him, for so many reasons. Suppose he can't drop the weight. Suppose he does and you still dump him, having gotten over other first date impressions. Suppose he tells you that you hardly look as hot as your photo, either.
P.S. So many things do into the photos we choose of ourselves that I would get over the idea that you have additional license because of his "kind of misleading" behavior.
posted by Clyde Mnestra at 3:19 PM on August 28, 2011 [8 favorites]
If you're not attracted to him, you're not attracted to him. But attraction isn't just physical--you had a good date otherwise, it seems? It's up to you. If it were me, and I liked him, I wouldn't care so much about the weight, but I would subtract major, major points for the deceptive photos. He represented himself as something he's not, and that's not cool. Same if he were bald and posted a picture of himself with hair, same if he were really clean cut and posted a picture from Halloween when he dressed up as heavily-pierced-and-tattooed-guy without saying it was just a costume. Or whatever.
posted by phunniemee at 3:20 PM on August 28, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by phunniemee at 3:20 PM on August 28, 2011 [1 favorite]
One thing to consider is that he may have gained the weight in the wake of the difficult breakup. His normal, happy weight may be the weight he was in the pic.
posted by jayder at 3:21 PM on August 28, 2011 [6 favorites]
posted by jayder at 3:21 PM on August 28, 2011 [6 favorites]
I think it's completely pointless to date someone in hopes they will undergo a major physical change. It's like dating someone and waiting for them to go gray because only that hair color turns you on.
posted by threeants at 3:25 PM on August 28, 2011 [9 favorites]
posted by threeants at 3:25 PM on August 28, 2011 [9 favorites]
He gained weight but didn't change his pick. RUN. Deception is never good. If you accept that now, you're ready to accept more later on... you've shown your hand. Don't do this. Dump his ass pronto.
There's nothing wrong with being overweight, underweight, any weight. What IS wrong is lying about it. End of story. How things begin, is how things end. This is *not* a good beginning, it's a warning sign. Move on.
posted by VikingSword at 3:26 PM on August 28, 2011 [12 favorites]
There's nothing wrong with being overweight, underweight, any weight. What IS wrong is lying about it. End of story. How things begin, is how things end. This is *not* a good beginning, it's a warning sign. Move on.
posted by VikingSword at 3:26 PM on August 28, 2011 [12 favorites]
I need help deciding whether I should continue to see him.
I know you provided more details, but writing this out means you probably shouldn't. Just tell him you enjoyed your date, but that you didn't feel chemistry (or something).
If you can *kindly* mention that it does him a disservice to misrepresent his appearance to future dates, because 1) no one likes to feel hoodwinked, even if they wouldn't have normally minded the extra pounds, and 2) he's less likely to find someone who really accepts him for who he is now.
But don't continue to date him while hoping he loses weight.
posted by swingbraid at 3:26 PM on August 28, 2011
I know you provided more details, but writing this out means you probably shouldn't. Just tell him you enjoyed your date, but that you didn't feel chemistry (or something).
If you can *kindly* mention that it does him a disservice to misrepresent his appearance to future dates, because 1) no one likes to feel hoodwinked, even if they wouldn't have normally minded the extra pounds, and 2) he's less likely to find someone who really accepts him for who he is now.
But don't continue to date him while hoping he loses weight.
posted by swingbraid at 3:26 PM on August 28, 2011
Similar question earlier. Yes, I'm noting the differences between the respective OPs, but some of the answers there might be helpful anyway.
posted by Namlit at 3:27 PM on August 28, 2011 [3 favorites]
posted by Namlit at 3:27 PM on August 28, 2011 [3 favorites]
You sound like you're trying to complicate something that's really quite simple.
No good will come from you talking to him about his weight. He already knows he gained a lot of weight and used to be more attractive; that's why he used the old pictures. You aren't going to change him. He'll probably stay around this weight, and it's quite possible he'll gain even more weight. People usually have a much easier time gaining weight than losing weight, and even people who lose weight often end up gaining it back.
You're not attracted to him. That settles it. You'll be doing both him and yourself a favor by rejecting him. Date someone you do find attractive. Don't complicate the simple.
posted by John Cohen at 3:28 PM on August 28, 2011 [5 favorites]
No good will come from you talking to him about his weight. He already knows he gained a lot of weight and used to be more attractive; that's why he used the old pictures. You aren't going to change him. He'll probably stay around this weight, and it's quite possible he'll gain even more weight. People usually have a much easier time gaining weight than losing weight, and even people who lose weight often end up gaining it back.
You're not attracted to him. That settles it. You'll be doing both him and yourself a favor by rejecting him. Date someone you do find attractive. Don't complicate the simple.
posted by John Cohen at 3:28 PM on August 28, 2011 [5 favorites]
Why try to talk yourself into a relationship you aren't crazy about?
In dating, (and many other activities) "I don't want to" is plenty of reason to go no further.
You have my permission to gently reject any further advances from this man.
posted by bilabial at 3:30 PM on August 28, 2011 [3 favorites]
In dating, (and many other activities) "I don't want to" is plenty of reason to go no further.
You have my permission to gently reject any further advances from this man.
posted by bilabial at 3:30 PM on August 28, 2011 [3 favorites]
So, I was wondering if there's any way I can hint that I was attracted to the photos of him which are different from what he looks like now.
I bet he knows this already.
posted by dfan at 3:30 PM on August 28, 2011 [4 favorites]
I bet he knows this already.
posted by dfan at 3:30 PM on August 28, 2011 [4 favorites]
Suppose he tells you that you hardly look as hot as your photo, either.
Don't be guilt-tripped into being with someone you're not attracted to. It's not wrong, or shallow, or superficial, to be not-attracted to someone for their looks, as long as you're not a jerk about it. He deliberately lied to you by presenting you with those old photos. Nowadays there's really no excuse for not being able to get a current photo of yourself to put on an online dating site. I suspect that the story about the bad breakup and emotional fragility (though it may be true) was put out there so you'd feel sorry for him, too. There are a lot of manipulative people out there who seek out people who are nice, don't want to hurt people's feelings, and don't want to let them down, and take advantage of that. I've been there. Don't drop hints, but gently and honestly tell him that even though he seems nice, he's just not your type. If he presses you for details, maybe point out the photo thing, but like I said, there's really no excuse not to have a current photo on a dating site. It's 2011, for crying out loud.
posted by Gator at 3:30 PM on August 28, 2011 [2 favorites]
Don't be guilt-tripped into being with someone you're not attracted to. It's not wrong, or shallow, or superficial, to be not-attracted to someone for their looks, as long as you're not a jerk about it. He deliberately lied to you by presenting you with those old photos. Nowadays there's really no excuse for not being able to get a current photo of yourself to put on an online dating site. I suspect that the story about the bad breakup and emotional fragility (though it may be true) was put out there so you'd feel sorry for him, too. There are a lot of manipulative people out there who seek out people who are nice, don't want to hurt people's feelings, and don't want to let them down, and take advantage of that. I've been there. Don't drop hints, but gently and honestly tell him that even though he seems nice, he's just not your type. If he presses you for details, maybe point out the photo thing, but like I said, there's really no excuse not to have a current photo on a dating site. It's 2011, for crying out loud.
posted by Gator at 3:30 PM on August 28, 2011 [2 favorites]
In dating, (and many other activities) "I don't want to" is plenty of reason to go no further.
Exactly, I think this is all the reason you need. I can think of plenty of reasons he might have sent you pics of himself thinner, so I wouldn't slam him for lying, but if you don't want to date him as he is, don't.
posted by sweetkid at 3:37 PM on August 28, 2011 [5 favorites]
Exactly, I think this is all the reason you need. I can think of plenty of reasons he might have sent you pics of himself thinner, so I wouldn't slam him for lying, but if you don't want to date him as he is, don't.
posted by sweetkid at 3:37 PM on August 28, 2011 [5 favorites]
Gator, as the one quoted, I was responding to her suggestion that she opine to him about his weight; there's no conceivable way you could have read that as suggesting she should go out with someone to whom she's not attracted.
Your advice isn't dissimilar to my own view. But I way less ready to jump to the conclusion that he deliberately lied -- I can just as well imagine he thought he looked better, and didn't at the same time feel that he was misrepresenting himself -- let alone that his story was designed to manipulate.
Save in the sense that photographs invariably capture the past at the expense of the present (cue Sontag) and that everyone portrays themselves to their best advantage. But maybe you were there.
posted by Clyde Mnestra at 3:37 PM on August 28, 2011 [1 favorite]
Your advice isn't dissimilar to my own view. But I way less ready to jump to the conclusion that he deliberately lied -- I can just as well imagine he thought he looked better, and didn't at the same time feel that he was misrepresenting himself -- let alone that his story was designed to manipulate.
Save in the sense that photographs invariably capture the past at the expense of the present (cue Sontag) and that everyone portrays themselves to their best advantage. But maybe you were there.
posted by Clyde Mnestra at 3:37 PM on August 28, 2011 [1 favorite]
Years ago, I met up with a prospective date on a dating site, and we emailed a few times before deciding to meet up.
In the email, the guy mentioned that he looked a little different than his profile pic; he had gained some weight since then.
And I thought, "Well, thanks for telling me," and went out with him.
I guess what I'm trying to say is I agree with what others have said: your date posted a deceptive picture. Yes, it stands to reason that he thinks this type of deception is okay.
I wouldn't give him another chance.
(Fwiw, the guy I went out with had maybe gained ten pounds and was still super adorable; even more adorable because he warned me that he looked a little different than his profile picture. Turns out he was a sociopath, but that's another story).
posted by kinetic at 3:41 PM on August 28, 2011
In the email, the guy mentioned that he looked a little different than his profile pic; he had gained some weight since then.
And I thought, "Well, thanks for telling me," and went out with him.
I guess what I'm trying to say is I agree with what others have said: your date posted a deceptive picture. Yes, it stands to reason that he thinks this type of deception is okay.
I wouldn't give him another chance.
(Fwiw, the guy I went out with had maybe gained ten pounds and was still super adorable; even more adorable because he warned me that he looked a little different than his profile picture. Turns out he was a sociopath, but that's another story).
posted by kinetic at 3:41 PM on August 28, 2011
After a first date, you can be shallow. After a 10th or 20th...well, it gets increasingly hard to break things off without hurting him.
So if you don't like the way he looks now and can't imagine having sex with him that meets your needs, break it off now rather than later.
posted by inturnaround at 3:45 PM on August 28, 2011 [1 favorite]
So if you don't like the way he looks now and can't imagine having sex with him that meets your needs, break it off now rather than later.
posted by inturnaround at 3:45 PM on August 28, 2011 [1 favorite]
Suppose he tells you that you hardly look as hot as your photo, either.
If the OP has misrepresentative photos on her profile (and yes, many people do — including me!), that might be its own problem, but it's a problem we know nothing about. You're just making up the fact that maybe she did something as bad as he did. The question as it's been posed to us is how to respond to a date she isn't attracted to, who presumably knew what he was doing when he posted photos from before he gained 50 pounds. The OP clearly cares enough about looks for this to be a big deal. And that's fine — most people care about the appearance of who they're dating. So, she should not continue dating him. Whether her own profile could use some work too is completely outside this question.
posted by John Cohen at 3:46 PM on August 28, 2011 [3 favorites]
If the OP has misrepresentative photos on her profile (and yes, many people do — including me!), that might be its own problem, but it's a problem we know nothing about. You're just making up the fact that maybe she did something as bad as he did. The question as it's been posed to us is how to respond to a date she isn't attracted to, who presumably knew what he was doing when he posted photos from before he gained 50 pounds. The OP clearly cares enough about looks for this to be a big deal. And that's fine — most people care about the appearance of who they're dating. So, she should not continue dating him. Whether her own profile could use some work too is completely outside this question.
posted by John Cohen at 3:46 PM on August 28, 2011 [3 favorites]
If a relationship is an omelet, sex is the eggs.
If you don't want to have sex with this man -- this man, not some potential man he could be, if you said the right words to him -- that's it, game over. Be nice, use Miko's script if you need it, but why are you wasting your time and his giving this another thought?
posted by pH Indicating Socks at 3:52 PM on August 28, 2011 [2 favorites]
If you don't want to have sex with this man -- this man, not some potential man he could be, if you said the right words to him -- that's it, game over. Be nice, use Miko's script if you need it, but why are you wasting your time and his giving this another thought?
posted by pH Indicating Socks at 3:52 PM on August 28, 2011 [2 favorites]
Deception? Oh please, he gave you the best picture of himself so he'd have a chance of actually going on a date. I wonder if anyone who says he is setting things up for a lifetime of lying has ever been insecure about their appearance.
Tell him you like him but not in that way. Don't tell him it's because of his weight, because well, he won't get what you mean, only that you're rejecting him because of some glaring personal flaw that he may not be able to change. He already knows he is not thin anymore.
And why do you want to settle for someone you aren't sexually attracted to? That seems like a pretty obvious deal breaker to me.
posted by everyday_naturalist at 4:07 PM on August 28, 2011 [2 favorites]
Tell him you like him but not in that way. Don't tell him it's because of his weight, because well, he won't get what you mean, only that you're rejecting him because of some glaring personal flaw that he may not be able to change. He already knows he is not thin anymore.
And why do you want to settle for someone you aren't sexually attracted to? That seems like a pretty obvious deal breaker to me.
posted by everyday_naturalist at 4:07 PM on August 28, 2011 [2 favorites]
he mentioned a harsh break up which took place a few months ago and he seems to be a bit emotionally fragile.
This would actually be a big deal to me and is setting you up for failure, if you're planning on getting into a relationship with an emotionally fragile man with a weight problem you'd already like to try to change. I would find his mention of this harsh break up and resulting emotional state alarming, especially considering it took place a few months ago.
posted by wondermouse at 4:14 PM on August 28, 2011 [1 favorite]
This would actually be a big deal to me and is setting you up for failure, if you're planning on getting into a relationship with an emotionally fragile man with a weight problem you'd already like to try to change. I would find his mention of this harsh break up and resulting emotional state alarming, especially considering it took place a few months ago.
posted by wondermouse at 4:14 PM on August 28, 2011 [1 favorite]
Please don't bring up the weight thing as the dealbreaker. It's easy enough to send him an email saying that you had a nice time, but didn't feel the spark/chemistry/etc. Be vague and make it an easy let down.
Just to give him the benefit of the doubt...Have you considered he might not realize how different he looks now? When you put on weight over the course of a few years, it can seem gradual enough that you can sort of pretend that you've only gained 10-15 lbs. Maybe, in his mind, he's still the thinner guy.
posted by pourtant at 4:30 PM on August 28, 2011 [7 favorites]
Just to give him the benefit of the doubt...Have you considered he might not realize how different he looks now? When you put on weight over the course of a few years, it can seem gradual enough that you can sort of pretend that you've only gained 10-15 lbs. Maybe, in his mind, he's still the thinner guy.
posted by pourtant at 4:30 PM on August 28, 2011 [7 favorites]
He gained weight but didn't change his pick. RUN. Deception is never good. If you accept that now, you're ready to accept more later on... you've shown your hand. Don't do this. Dump his ass pronto.
Sometimes people have old online dating pics due to laziness and not deliberate deception.
posted by Lovecraft In Brooklyn at 4:34 PM on August 28, 2011 [8 favorites]
Sometimes people have old online dating pics due to laziness and not deliberate deception.
posted by Lovecraft In Brooklyn at 4:34 PM on August 28, 2011 [8 favorites]
He sent me pictures that were obviously several years old because he's at least 50 pounds heavier now
Not necessarily. Medical issues or his stressful breakup could have easily caused him to gain the weight in a significantly shorter period of time. Also, while he essentially gained 50+lbs instantly to you, for him it would have been a gradual change. He may not realise how much he's changed.
I'm not saying you should keep seeing him if you're not attracted to him (although if you expect partners to stay fit and hot forever, you're probably going to be disappointed ;) ) but I think its a little harsh of people to be accusing him of intentional deception.
I agree with wondermouse though, the recent, harsh breakup is a much bigger red flag than whether his profile pic was 100% accurate.
FWIW though, my bf of nearly 10 years is totally not my type - not even close, but our first kiss was electric - seriously hot. Taking a chance can sometimes lead to something great.
posted by missmagenta at 4:36 PM on August 28, 2011 [2 favorites]
Not necessarily. Medical issues or his stressful breakup could have easily caused him to gain the weight in a significantly shorter period of time. Also, while he essentially gained 50+lbs instantly to you, for him it would have been a gradual change. He may not realise how much he's changed.
I'm not saying you should keep seeing him if you're not attracted to him (although if you expect partners to stay fit and hot forever, you're probably going to be disappointed ;) ) but I think its a little harsh of people to be accusing him of intentional deception.
I agree with wondermouse though, the recent, harsh breakup is a much bigger red flag than whether his profile pic was 100% accurate.
FWIW though, my bf of nearly 10 years is totally not my type - not even close, but our first kiss was electric - seriously hot. Taking a chance can sometimes lead to something great.
posted by missmagenta at 4:36 PM on August 28, 2011 [2 favorites]
Do not tell him, in any way, shape or form, that you would be more attracted to him if he were thinner, that's the first thing.
He deserves to be accepted as he is. If he then went on a starvation diet just to woo you, and was successful, he'd still spend every moment with you worrying about everything he ate, and if he gained a few pounds he'd obsess over whether those were too many, or if you were still attracted, and how much, and if he would ever be good enough for you, etc. ad infinitum.
It's okay not to be attracted to him. It's okay for it to be because of his weight, or because he was deceptive the weight. You really can't *make* yourself attracted to someone physically, you either are or you aren't. If you are comfortable with him as a friend, suggest you be friends. Other than that, I'd say not to get romantically involved if you aren't feeling it.
FWIW, I can understand putting on a little weight and not realizing it, but 50 lbs is not 'a little weight'. He knows he is much heavier than his pictures. And while a medical cause could certainly be the cause, or his emotional state after the breakup, you are not obligated to stick around to find out.
posted by misha at 4:48 PM on August 28, 2011
He deserves to be accepted as he is. If he then went on a starvation diet just to woo you, and was successful, he'd still spend every moment with you worrying about everything he ate, and if he gained a few pounds he'd obsess over whether those were too many, or if you were still attracted, and how much, and if he would ever be good enough for you, etc. ad infinitum.
It's okay not to be attracted to him. It's okay for it to be because of his weight, or because he was deceptive the weight. You really can't *make* yourself attracted to someone physically, you either are or you aren't. If you are comfortable with him as a friend, suggest you be friends. Other than that, I'd say not to get romantically involved if you aren't feeling it.
FWIW, I can understand putting on a little weight and not realizing it, but 50 lbs is not 'a little weight'. He knows he is much heavier than his pictures. And while a medical cause could certainly be the cause, or his emotional state after the breakup, you are not obligated to stick around to find out.
posted by misha at 4:48 PM on August 28, 2011
the real, [edit] guy was just average to me...
I don't find him repulsive at all...
It just feels to me like this isn't enough for your going on with this guy. I'd skip thinking too much about the "photo looked different" thing. Photos always do anyway.
posted by Namlit at 4:49 PM on August 28, 2011
I don't find him repulsive at all...
It just feels to me like this isn't enough for your going on with this guy. I'd skip thinking too much about the "photo looked different" thing. Photos always do anyway.
posted by Namlit at 4:49 PM on August 28, 2011
I wonder how many of the people telling you not to tell him the weight is the problem are men? In my experience men are a lot less sensitive about their appearance then 'stereotypical' women are. For me, if someone tells me I'm gaining weight it's just more motivation to try to lose it.
And to be honest as a guy, I would much rather be told that you weren't into me because I was too fat then be told the problem was 'chemistry' or some bullshit, especially after a date that I thought 'went well' in terms of personality. If you just say chemistry it's just going to make him wonder what was wrong. If you just say "I liked your pics from when you were thinner, but right now you're just too fat for me" then you're not only telling him what the problem is specifically, but you're telling him the problem is something he has control over. I know I would actually be relived if a girl said something that, and it would definitely motivate me to work out more.
I mean I'm not this guy, so I don't know how he'll take it. but as a guy I would much rather hear the harsh truth then something to make a break up feel better.
posted by delmoi at 4:58 PM on August 28, 2011 [5 favorites]
And to be honest as a guy, I would much rather be told that you weren't into me because I was too fat then be told the problem was 'chemistry' or some bullshit, especially after a date that I thought 'went well' in terms of personality. If you just say chemistry it's just going to make him wonder what was wrong. If you just say "I liked your pics from when you were thinner, but right now you're just too fat for me" then you're not only telling him what the problem is specifically, but you're telling him the problem is something he has control over. I know I would actually be relived if a girl said something that, and it would definitely motivate me to work out more.
I mean I'm not this guy, so I don't know how he'll take it. but as a guy I would much rather hear the harsh truth then something to make a break up feel better.
posted by delmoi at 4:58 PM on August 28, 2011 [5 favorites]
It was one date. You don't owe him a "breakup" chat and I'm surprised anyone thinks you do. If he gets back in touch, just thank him for a pleasant date and if he asks for another, there's the sublime "I don't think that will be possible" response.
posted by zadcat at 5:12 PM on August 28, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by zadcat at 5:12 PM on August 28, 2011 [1 favorite]
Mod note: little less back and forth right now, more answers directed towards the OP? thanks.
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 5:18 PM on August 28, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 5:18 PM on August 28, 2011 [1 favorite]
First date you're finding out he's somewhat deceptive and you're trying to think of a way to manipulate him to be like the person you think he should be. That's too much drama for one date.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 5:22 PM on August 28, 2011 [9 favorites]
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 5:22 PM on August 28, 2011 [9 favorites]
I'd take the lying for granted, put it in the same pile as people who fudge their age / income / whatever on dating sites (apparently everbody), and then take it from there. Are you attracted to him? No? Then don't date him again.
posted by obiwanwasabi at 6:08 PM on August 28, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by obiwanwasabi at 6:08 PM on August 28, 2011 [1 favorite]
I posted an answer in the thread that Namlit mentioned, and I think it applies equally well here, gender notwithstanding.
You have a right to feel irked if someone looks significantly different compared to how they are represented by their profile pics. It doesn't matter if it is because of insecurity, forgetfulness, laziness, really-amazingly-good-to-the-level-of-deceptive professional photography...whatever, it doesn't matter. You can pick and choose at this stage without feeling bad, and if you are already starting to feel like you are in an uncomfortable place, then that in and of itself is a red flag.
You aren't responsible for protecting this guy from his feelings—especially considering you've only just met him. That doesn't mean you should be cruel, but there is absolutely nothing wrong right now with cutting it off cleanly before things go further. If you know you aren't attracted to him now, and if you are bothered by what feels like deception to you, then you should probably do so. As others have noted, it would be far more cruel to drag it out and do the same thing for the same reasons further down the road.
posted by dubitable at 6:37 PM on August 28, 2011 [2 favorites]
You have a right to feel irked if someone looks significantly different compared to how they are represented by their profile pics. It doesn't matter if it is because of insecurity, forgetfulness, laziness, really-amazingly-good-to-the-level-of-deceptive professional photography...whatever, it doesn't matter. You can pick and choose at this stage without feeling bad, and if you are already starting to feel like you are in an uncomfortable place, then that in and of itself is a red flag.
You aren't responsible for protecting this guy from his feelings—especially considering you've only just met him. That doesn't mean you should be cruel, but there is absolutely nothing wrong right now with cutting it off cleanly before things go further. If you know you aren't attracted to him now, and if you are bothered by what feels like deception to you, then you should probably do so. As others have noted, it would be far more cruel to drag it out and do the same thing for the same reasons further down the road.
posted by dubitable at 6:37 PM on August 28, 2011 [2 favorites]
If you're really not attracted to him, why continue to go out with him? You'll just dig yourself into a deeper hole. I do believe it was somewhat manipulative of him to send inaccurate pictures. So, I would just leave now while you still can.
posted by starpoint at 8:13 PM on August 28, 2011
posted by starpoint at 8:13 PM on August 28, 2011
Putting an old pic up is deception. Leaving up an old pic is not necessarily deception, and shame on all the (I would guess women) here that naturally assume it so. The only deception here would be if you kept going out with him. You're clearly into looks more than anything else by your own admission; if he doesn't have what you need, you're only going to be stringing him on. That, by the way, makes you a bad person, not him.
posted by Civil_Disobedient at 8:40 PM on August 28, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by Civil_Disobedient at 8:40 PM on August 28, 2011 [1 favorite]
Putting an old pic up is deception. Leaving up an old pic is not necessarily deception, and shame on all the (I would guess women) here that naturally assume it so.
Civil_Disobedient, I don't disagree at all (and just for the record I'm a guy). But I think there is something going on in this thread where the two sides are arguing completely points. The fact is, regardless of whether this guy was trying to be deceptive or not, there is no reason that the OP should feel like she needs to deconstruct why he looks significantly different from his pictures. She does not need to justify not being attracted to him, or being annoyed that, in real life, he doesn't look like his pics. She can—and will, that's how emotions work, especially if we are talking about attraction—feel however she feels, and that's okay. In fact, forcing oneself to feel a certain way will most likely have the opposite effect and is a really bad thing at any point in a relationship, but spells disaster at the beginning, in my opinion.
Sure, maybe if she keeps going out with him she'll find herself more and more attracted to him. But she has to decide if that possibility is outweighed by the reservations she already has—and more importantly, she should not be making decisions based on whether or not she'll hurt this guy's feelings.
It may not seem fair, but attraction and dating has nothing to do with fairness. As one of my good friends says: "Life is hard...get a helmet."
posted by dubitable at 9:04 PM on August 28, 2011 [4 favorites]
Civil_Disobedient, I don't disagree at all (and just for the record I'm a guy). But I think there is something going on in this thread where the two sides are arguing completely points. The fact is, regardless of whether this guy was trying to be deceptive or not, there is no reason that the OP should feel like she needs to deconstruct why he looks significantly different from his pictures. She does not need to justify not being attracted to him, or being annoyed that, in real life, he doesn't look like his pics. She can—and will, that's how emotions work, especially if we are talking about attraction—feel however she feels, and that's okay. In fact, forcing oneself to feel a certain way will most likely have the opposite effect and is a really bad thing at any point in a relationship, but spells disaster at the beginning, in my opinion.
Sure, maybe if she keeps going out with him she'll find herself more and more attracted to him. But she has to decide if that possibility is outweighed by the reservations she already has—and more importantly, she should not be making decisions based on whether or not she'll hurt this guy's feelings.
It may not seem fair, but attraction and dating has nothing to do with fairness. As one of my good friends says: "Life is hard...get a helmet."
posted by dubitable at 9:04 PM on August 28, 2011 [4 favorites]
Leaving up an old pic is not necessarily deception
I disagree completely. It is the profile owner's responsibility to ensure that the profile is accurate and nobody else's. If it is inaccurate or deceptive, the only person who can shoulder the blame for that is the profile owner.
There's no way to know whether or not there was actual intent to deceive, but it's not hard to imply a constructive intent. The guy either knew or should have known that the pictures were not accurate, and in my opinion -- because he is solely and completely responsible for the content of his profile -- either is enough to attribute the deception to him.
posted by toomuchpete at 9:16 PM on August 28, 2011 [1 favorite]
I disagree completely. It is the profile owner's responsibility to ensure that the profile is accurate and nobody else's. If it is inaccurate or deceptive, the only person who can shoulder the blame for that is the profile owner.
There's no way to know whether or not there was actual intent to deceive, but it's not hard to imply a constructive intent. The guy either knew or should have known that the pictures were not accurate, and in my opinion -- because he is solely and completely responsible for the content of his profile -- either is enough to attribute the deception to him.
posted by toomuchpete at 9:16 PM on August 28, 2011 [1 favorite]
I am the kind of person who could get used to his appearance if I truly cared about him as a person. (Not everyone could and that's cool; I'm just not very visual.) For me, stranger-lust wears off quickly regardless, whereas you-are-the-person-I-know-and-love-lust lasts a long time. You don't say much about how you feel about his personality, values, etc. one way or another, but if you really like him in every other way, I'd give yourself a few weeks.
posted by salvia at 10:46 PM on August 28, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by salvia at 10:46 PM on August 28, 2011 [1 favorite]
Dating is not "investing" in that you don't lose anything by going on another date. There's no opportunity cost unless you fall for him.
Give him another date.
posted by Ironmouth at 11:19 PM on August 28, 2011 [1 favorite]
Give him another date.
posted by Ironmouth at 11:19 PM on August 28, 2011 [1 favorite]
Re the lying thing, I offered a perspective on that in this other thread. At the very least I would give him the benefit of the doubt and not assume he was trying to be deceitful.
My first boyfriend in college was someone I hung out with as friends and was not attracted to initially, probably because he was 50lbs overweight. As I spent more time with him, he became increasingly attractive to me. By the time we fell in love (awww) he was smokin' hot. It can happen, for sure. I'd go on another date and see how you feel. Unless you have other plans, you don't really have anything to lose, do you?
posted by DarlingBri at 11:33 PM on August 28, 2011 [2 favorites]
My first boyfriend in college was someone I hung out with as friends and was not attracted to initially, probably because he was 50lbs overweight. As I spent more time with him, he became increasingly attractive to me. By the time we fell in love (awww) he was smokin' hot. It can happen, for sure. I'd go on another date and see how you feel. Unless you have other plans, you don't really have anything to lose, do you?
posted by DarlingBri at 11:33 PM on August 28, 2011 [2 favorites]
Similar question earlier.
I am amazed (amazed!) in the differences between the advice you're getting here and the advice in the somewhat similar question linked above. I do think the attraction thing has to happen instantly, regardless of whether you're into thick or thin. He seems like a nice guy -- if you're not attracted to him, there's someone else out there who will be.
posted by mochapickle at 1:21 AM on August 29, 2011
I am amazed (amazed!) in the differences between the advice you're getting here and the advice in the somewhat similar question linked above. I do think the attraction thing has to happen instantly, regardless of whether you're into thick or thin. He seems like a nice guy -- if you're not attracted to him, there's someone else out there who will be.
posted by mochapickle at 1:21 AM on August 29, 2011
I don't really see that the advice is all that difference, lots of he/she lied therefore is bad person etc. But there is a big difference in expecting This and getting this to expecting Mila Kunis and getting Roseanne (even 'thin' Roseanne)
posted by missmagenta at 1:50 AM on August 29, 2011
posted by missmagenta at 1:50 AM on August 29, 2011
Yeah, he grossly misrepresented his appearance to you. If he'd have joked about it but fessed up ( "This is an old pic of me which I use because I look hot in it. I'm 50 pounds heavier than this now, but hey, I could get there again. Probably!") that would be okay. But he didn't. He got the date on false pretences. This is not nice behaviour, not simply because it is dishonest but because it is so shamelessly so. He knew you'd find out about the dishonesty and he didn't care. I wouldn't think that augurs well for any future relationship.
posted by Decani at 2:56 AM on August 29, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by Decani at 2:56 AM on August 29, 2011 [1 favorite]
Lots of moralizing about what a bad person this guy is for "deceiving" you. Yikes.
Just a heads-up, it is entirely possible to gain a significant amount of weight and not really realize that you have done so. A couple of years back I went through some emotionally traumatizing stuff -- when it was all over and I was starting to recover someone took a picture of me at a party and when I saw it I was like, "oh, fuck, i put some serious weight on." Hadn't noticed before that.
It is entirely plausible that this guy, having just gone through a harsh breakup, may have put on weight during that rough time and didn't really notice that he'd put on enough to change his appearance to the point that he'd need new photographs. I don't really think that assuming he actively deceived you and labeling him a bad, shameless, dishonest person is at all helpful, or a good thing for you to do.
If you're not attracted to him, fair enough. Don't go out with him again. If you feel that it's absolutely necessary to tell him that his physical appearance disappointed you, please do so as gently as you can -- bear in mind how you would want to hear that same kind of news, and act accordingly.
posted by palomar at 7:33 AM on August 29, 2011 [2 favorites]
Just a heads-up, it is entirely possible to gain a significant amount of weight and not really realize that you have done so. A couple of years back I went through some emotionally traumatizing stuff -- when it was all over and I was starting to recover someone took a picture of me at a party and when I saw it I was like, "oh, fuck, i put some serious weight on." Hadn't noticed before that.
It is entirely plausible that this guy, having just gone through a harsh breakup, may have put on weight during that rough time and didn't really notice that he'd put on enough to change his appearance to the point that he'd need new photographs. I don't really think that assuming he actively deceived you and labeling him a bad, shameless, dishonest person is at all helpful, or a good thing for you to do.
If you're not attracted to him, fair enough. Don't go out with him again. If you feel that it's absolutely necessary to tell him that his physical appearance disappointed you, please do so as gently as you can -- bear in mind how you would want to hear that same kind of news, and act accordingly.
posted by palomar at 7:33 AM on August 29, 2011 [2 favorites]
I don't understand how someone can not know they'd gained 50 lbs. Your clothes wouldn't fit. Anyway, there's no reason to continue dating someone you're not attracted to, and it's a disservice to them; they deserve someone who thinks they're hot just as they are.
posted by desjardins at 9:36 AM on August 29, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by desjardins at 9:36 AM on August 29, 2011 [2 favorites]
You either choose the person you've met, or you don't. Dating the person you met in hopes of that person becoming the choice you want is worse than foolish. Don't do it.
posted by 2oh1 at 11:58 AM on August 29, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by 2oh1 at 11:58 AM on August 29, 2011 [1 favorite]
If he admits it I think you have to go on personality.
posted by skepticallypleased at 8:06 PM on August 29, 2011
posted by skepticallypleased at 8:06 PM on August 29, 2011
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by restless_nomad at 3:13 PM on August 28, 2011 [18 favorites]