Online dating is a dud
August 26, 2011 11:07 PM Subscribe
Why doesn't online dating work for me?
I am a single woman in her 40's looking for men. I have heard many times on MeFi that women get plenty of responses on Match.com, so that they don't have to write to anybody if they don't want to; they just have to wait for guys to write to them. That hasn't been the case with me. I joined several months ago and dropped it a few months later because I got extremely few responses.
Assuming that there is nothing much wrong with my profile and picture (which may be a big assumption), what else could be going on? Is it my age? Did I not check in often enough? How do you remember to keep checking in? Is checking out your matches considered checking in?
I would get constant emails from Match.com with my "matches", but my matches never wrote to me.
Sadly, I even paid extra for the premium package, which was supposed to make your profile most visible. It made no difference.
I understand that perhaps I shouldn't be worrying about this, and I should simply fork over the money to Match.com again, or some other online dating service where I might have better luck (which one would that be?) and this time make all the first moves myself. But I would like to know if I am doing anything wrong.
I am a single woman in her 40's looking for men. I have heard many times on MeFi that women get plenty of responses on Match.com, so that they don't have to write to anybody if they don't want to; they just have to wait for guys to write to them. That hasn't been the case with me. I joined several months ago and dropped it a few months later because I got extremely few responses.
Assuming that there is nothing much wrong with my profile and picture (which may be a big assumption), what else could be going on? Is it my age? Did I not check in often enough? How do you remember to keep checking in? Is checking out your matches considered checking in?
I would get constant emails from Match.com with my "matches", but my matches never wrote to me.
Sadly, I even paid extra for the premium package, which was supposed to make your profile most visible. It made no difference.
I understand that perhaps I shouldn't be worrying about this, and I should simply fork over the money to Match.com again, or some other online dating service where I might have better luck (which one would that be?) and this time make all the first moves myself. But I would like to know if I am doing anything wrong.
It's hard to tell, and I am like, THE MASTER of online dating profile whisperers.
(As a party trick, I could look at your recent date's profile and tell you everything about him you discovered only after you actually met in real life for a date or two - I was infallible. It's not a marketable talent, but it's good for laughs:)
Anywho. I'd have to see your profile and know you personally to judge if the problem is indeed your profile. This might not work over MetaFilter.
My understanding is many men on these sites are looking for women in their 30's - yuck! - I'm 41 and I hate hate hate writing that.
Except I don't. Men in your age range who are only looking for significantly younger women are not anyone you want to date!
----
No one here can judge your profile because we haven't seen it.
I would default blame it 30% on the wording of your profile and 70% on that the men eligible in your age range are douches and (really) exclusively looking for younger women. But that is me. YMMV, and all that.
posted by jbenben at 11:27 PM on August 26, 2011 [7 favorites]
(As a party trick, I could look at your recent date's profile and tell you everything about him you discovered only after you actually met in real life for a date or two - I was infallible. It's not a marketable talent, but it's good for laughs:)
Anywho. I'd have to see your profile and know you personally to judge if the problem is indeed your profile. This might not work over MetaFilter.
My understanding is many men on these sites are looking for women in their 30's - yuck! - I'm 41 and I hate hate hate writing that.
Except I don't. Men in your age range who are only looking for significantly younger women are not anyone you want to date!
----
No one here can judge your profile because we haven't seen it.
I would default blame it 30% on the wording of your profile and 70% on that the men eligible in your age range are douches and (really) exclusively looking for younger women. But that is me. YMMV, and all that.
posted by jbenben at 11:27 PM on August 26, 2011 [7 favorites]
I would imagine that young women in their 20s don't have to write to anybody if they don't want to. BUT- many guys are only going to write to people their age or younger, which means that the pool who may be interested enough in you to start a conversation is much, much smaller than the pool of guys hitting on 23 year-old women. If a 40 year-old guy is doing a search for women aged 25-40, your profile is never going to show up at all. This is totally ridiculous and unfair, but them's the breaks.
If you are never writing people whose profiles seem interesting, you are definitely doing it wrong. It takes no more than 5 minutes to compose a thoughtful e-mail about something in someone's profile that piqued your interest, and you have nothing to lose. That 40 year-old searching younger may actually not be averse to hanging you with a 44 year-old who, unlike the 25 year-olds he's e-mailing, seems interested in him...he just isn't going to realize that until you go for it.
Additionally, if there aren't a lot of guys on Match in your immediate area, you aren't going to get a lot of responses, either. Is there a site that returns more active profiles for your area?
Can you have your most brutally honest friend check out your profile for you? Or, better yet, a brutally honest acquaintance who might be less worried about hurting your feelings?
posted by charmedimsure at 11:29 PM on August 26, 2011 [1 favorite]
If you are never writing people whose profiles seem interesting, you are definitely doing it wrong. It takes no more than 5 minutes to compose a thoughtful e-mail about something in someone's profile that piqued your interest, and you have nothing to lose. That 40 year-old searching younger may actually not be averse to hanging you with a 44 year-old who, unlike the 25 year-olds he's e-mailing, seems interested in him...he just isn't going to realize that until you go for it.
Additionally, if there aren't a lot of guys on Match in your immediate area, you aren't going to get a lot of responses, either. Is there a site that returns more active profiles for your area?
Can you have your most brutally honest friend check out your profile for you? Or, better yet, a brutally honest acquaintance who might be less worried about hurting your feelings?
posted by charmedimsure at 11:29 PM on August 26, 2011 [1 favorite]
I think it's the age too- and I'm in the same boat. I think if you want to stay invested you have to be willing to contact many people and/or date older. I personally gave up because I find it too upsetting but many many people here will tell you it worked out great for them. (I heard the same thing too from another website- that females get tonnes of responses 'just for having a pulse'. It made me wonder if I was a kind of 'un-dead zombie' with a hideous profile pic! You have to have fortitude and a tough skin if you are over 25 it seems!! Unfortunately I am and I don't but hopefully you are more resilient than me!)
posted by bquarters at 11:44 PM on August 26, 2011
posted by bquarters at 11:44 PM on August 26, 2011
When i was dating online (6 or 7 years ago, in my mid-30s), I noticed that the vast majority of men in their 30s and 40s (and a fair number in their 50s, as far as I could tell) seemed to put their age cutoff for women at 40, if not 35. It was so prevalent (and irritating) that I remember being quite impressed that my now-partner's profile listed his preferred age range as 30-50, rather than the ubiquitous 21-35 or 21-40.
Hilariously and ironically, he was actually fudging his own age by a couple of years at the time, precisely because in his experience, lots of women were cutting off men at 40 as well. He 'fessed up on our second date that he was 2 years older than he initially claimed. I didn't mind at all, because -- and this is the cliched "dating-in-L.A." part of the story -- I had checked out his IMDb profile, so I already knew how old he really was.
In any case, this may or may not be an argument for fudging your age as well, depending on how you look at it, and how likely you think that potential partners will be sympathetically amused rather than dismayed by your fuzzy math.
posted by scody at 11:44 PM on August 26, 2011 [1 favorite]
Hilariously and ironically, he was actually fudging his own age by a couple of years at the time, precisely because in his experience, lots of women were cutting off men at 40 as well. He 'fessed up on our second date that he was 2 years older than he initially claimed. I didn't mind at all, because -- and this is the cliched "dating-in-L.A." part of the story -- I had checked out his IMDb profile, so I already knew how old he really was.
In any case, this may or may not be an argument for fudging your age as well, depending on how you look at it, and how likely you think that potential partners will be sympathetically amused rather than dismayed by your fuzzy math.
posted by scody at 11:44 PM on August 26, 2011 [1 favorite]
OKTrends.
The guys who created free online dating site OKCupid apparently did it *because* they are Scientists, and thought it would be fun to generate real data they could analyze to draw conclusions about online dating behavior. That is, not "well, I think..." but statistically valid when users mention X in their profile, their bounce rate increases by Y% stuff. It is fascinating. They essentially spell out the SEO of dating (DEO?).
So if I were looking for love online, I would just do exactly what they say to do. Good luck! The guy you are looking for is definitely wishing you were easier to find.
posted by pH Indicating Socks at 11:49 PM on August 26, 2011 [7 favorites]
The guys who created free online dating site OKCupid apparently did it *because* they are Scientists, and thought it would be fun to generate real data they could analyze to draw conclusions about online dating behavior. That is, not "well, I think..." but statistically valid when users mention X in their profile, their bounce rate increases by Y% stuff. It is fascinating. They essentially spell out the SEO of dating (DEO?).
So if I were looking for love online, I would just do exactly what they say to do. Good luck! The guy you are looking for is definitely wishing you were easier to find.
posted by pH Indicating Socks at 11:49 PM on August 26, 2011 [7 favorites]
I found match.com to give me terrible matches. I met my husband on OK Cupid. I cannot stress strongly enough that you have to have a compelling profile. Could it be too vague? Too brief? Too willing to bend to another person's ways? Don't be afraid to narrow want you want, rather than being open to just anything. You really need to have male and female friends evaluate your profile.
And you need to answer tons of questions to improve the matches you get; each question gives you the chance to answer but, just as important for finding a good match, say how your ideal person would answer the same question. You also get to place a significance level on their answer.
So I could say, for example, ideally he'd be pro-choice but I could live with other views. But it's 100% significant to me that he like dogs since I have one.
posted by ImproviseOrDie at 12:29 AM on August 27, 2011
And you need to answer tons of questions to improve the matches you get; each question gives you the chance to answer but, just as important for finding a good match, say how your ideal person would answer the same question. You also get to place a significance level on their answer.
So I could say, for example, ideally he'd be pro-choice but I could live with other views. But it's 100% significant to me that he like dogs since I have one.
posted by ImproviseOrDie at 12:29 AM on August 27, 2011
It sounds like you're not messaging anyone which I think is a big mistake. Online dating is a lot like shopping from a catalog. So why wouldn't you want to be the shopper who gets to pick and choose instead of the item just sitting there waiting to be sold? I think of online dating as a huge chance for those women, probably in the majority, who are too shy to go up to an interesting guy at a party or whatever and start a conversation.
I'm definitely one of those women who would never have the guts to approach a guy on the street but I found my wonderful, amazing partner on match, instantly got a crush and messaged him. His free trial had expired so he had to actually join to message me back and we never would have found each other if I hadn't made the first move. Having been the one doing the choosing means I didn't have to settle for whoever came along but got to pick someone based on a number of factors who's really right for me. Luckily he's into me, too, but if he hadn't been I'd have kept going until I found one who was. I'm in my late 30s and decent looking but not gorgeous, by the way.
posted by hazyjane at 12:42 AM on August 27, 2011
I'm definitely one of those women who would never have the guts to approach a guy on the street but I found my wonderful, amazing partner on match, instantly got a crush and messaged him. His free trial had expired so he had to actually join to message me back and we never would have found each other if I hadn't made the first move. Having been the one doing the choosing means I didn't have to settle for whoever came along but got to pick someone based on a number of factors who's really right for me. Luckily he's into me, too, but if he hadn't been I'd have kept going until I found one who was. I'm in my late 30s and decent looking but not gorgeous, by the way.
posted by hazyjane at 12:42 AM on August 27, 2011
"BUT- many guys are only going to write to people their age or younger, which means that the pool who may be interested enough in you to start a conversation is much, much smaller than the pool of guys hitting on 23 year-old women. If a 40 year-old guy is doing a search for women aged 25-40, your profile is never going to show up at all. This is totally ridiculous and unfair, but them's the breaks."Ugh, I -am- that 23 year old woman.
I made a profile on OKCupid, mainly out of amusement and boredom. You can see who checks out your profile and -O.M.G.- you wouldn't believe how many 30+ year old men check out my profile. Often more than once. I've specified who I'm looking for, friends-wise, but god they just keep on a-comin', don't they?
So that I'm actually being helpful here, I experimented with how I wrote my profile to see if I could vary who would contact me. I found that if I was a super obvious gung-ho independent and smart feminist liberal, I got almost no replies. I toned it down a few notches (taking out, for example, how much I disliked children but letting my profile options speak for themselves), and got quite a few more replies, not just across the board but from my own age range as well.
Obviously, don't lie. Don't not be yourself. But...... men like a little chase, you know? Give them things to relate to such as books, movies, your other hobbies. Definitely make sure to say if "Die Hard" is one of your favs, or if you ride motorcycles, or if you volunteer at a local charity. When you're dating, either sex -loves- that shit. We love to know that the person we're interested in is involved in something outside of themselves and their work.
Discovered a new interest? Suddenly decided you're going to try to learn, even passively, taking French? Perhaps you're trying a new kind of cooking. Maybe you go rock climbing or white water rafting once a year with friends. Did you go on a church outing, perhaps a hike, recently? Maybe you are THE go to person for the workplace Christmas party. Whatever you do, make sure to say it. Look at other people's profiles, and take notes.
But again, don't lie, don't lie, don't lie. Just be your (fun / thoughtful / charitable / adventurous / female and proud of it) self.
posted by DisreputableDog at 1:11 AM on August 27, 2011 [4 favorites]
Oh! And don't forget that if you have the ability to put more than a couple pictures on there, definitely put -recent- ones maybe once a month (or more often, depending on your photogenic frequency). Put a little caption about where it was, something you liked about the place, etc. Make sure you're in every picture.
On of my favorite profiles is of this guy who, because he travels, has himself in different places around the world. There are pictures of him in China, in Korea, in Canada, in freakin' Wisconsin. He always looks like he's having the time of his life, intent on whatever he's doing.
The Lesson: Put pictures of yourself doing stuff, especially with other people
(aka, "I'm socially functional!"), and just all around living life.
posted by DisreputableDog at 1:25 AM on August 27, 2011
On of my favorite profiles is of this guy who, because he travels, has himself in different places around the world. There are pictures of him in China, in Korea, in Canada, in freakin' Wisconsin. He always looks like he's having the time of his life, intent on whatever he's doing.
The Lesson: Put pictures of yourself doing stuff, especially with other people
(aka, "I'm socially functional!"), and just all around living life.
posted by DisreputableDog at 1:25 AM on August 27, 2011
I'm having the exact same problem on eharmony - I paid for the premium package, and although I've sent messages and 'winks' to a number of me (maybe 30 since April), only three have replied. Only one man has ever contacted me first.
Of the four guys I've met, the guy who contacted me first was too old, one was a wimp, one was weird and there was one who I knew, from the minute he drove into the pub car park in his open-top sports car with his too-young hairstyle and too-trendy clothes, that he'd think he was way out of my league, and the look on his face when he met me said it all.
I think part of the problem of a lack of response is the 'review your matches for free' hook that eharmony, match, etc. use to get people to sign up. I get to see the profiles of these people (and they presumably get mine as a match), but if they don't have a paid membership, they can't reply, and obviously don't think I'm worth dropping £10 on for the minimum sign-up fee.
The reality, too, is that at 52 I know that a lot of men of my age are looking for much younger women. Whether their expectations are realistic or not, I don't know, but I do know that my age is often a deal-breaker (even though I do look much younger than 52). It's disheartening to see what are allegedly adult men in their 50s wanting women aged 25-38.
Sometimes for these guys it's a case of 'be careful what you wish for' - I have a friend about my age who was chuffed to bits to find himself a girlfriend nearly 20 years younger, but her cultural reference points are completely different from his, leading to a lot of "I can't believe you've never heard of ...." (from both sides) and along with her he also gets her bratty kids and her post-divorce financial insecurities that she's hoping he might fix.
posted by essexjan at 2:20 AM on August 27, 2011 [2 favorites]
Of the four guys I've met, the guy who contacted me first was too old, one was a wimp, one was weird and there was one who I knew, from the minute he drove into the pub car park in his open-top sports car with his too-young hairstyle and too-trendy clothes, that he'd think he was way out of my league, and the look on his face when he met me said it all.
I think part of the problem of a lack of response is the 'review your matches for free' hook that eharmony, match, etc. use to get people to sign up. I get to see the profiles of these people (and they presumably get mine as a match), but if they don't have a paid membership, they can't reply, and obviously don't think I'm worth dropping £10 on for the minimum sign-up fee.
The reality, too, is that at 52 I know that a lot of men of my age are looking for much younger women. Whether their expectations are realistic or not, I don't know, but I do know that my age is often a deal-breaker (even though I do look much younger than 52). It's disheartening to see what are allegedly adult men in their 50s wanting women aged 25-38.
Sometimes for these guys it's a case of 'be careful what you wish for' - I have a friend about my age who was chuffed to bits to find himself a girlfriend nearly 20 years younger, but her cultural reference points are completely different from his, leading to a lot of "I can't believe you've never heard of ...." (from both sides) and along with her he also gets her bratty kids and her post-divorce financial insecurities that she's hoping he might fix.
posted by essexjan at 2:20 AM on August 27, 2011 [2 favorites]
I just wanted to chime in as another data point to say that not all women are swamped with messages -- that's never been the case for me, not even when I was in my 20s. It sounds like you are sending some messages out yourself, since you talk about responses, so that's good. I wish I could offer more advice, but mostly I just want to help kill the idea that all women [which it's very hard not to read as "all women except me"] are attracting messages like crazy.
It's my understanding that any time you're on the site (including looking at matches) counts as "checking in", for the purposes of the "last logged in" data.
posted by cider at 2:58 AM on August 27, 2011 [1 favorite]
It's my understanding that any time you're on the site (including looking at matches) counts as "checking in", for the purposes of the "last logged in" data.
posted by cider at 2:58 AM on August 27, 2011 [1 favorite]
Hard to say without seeing the profile, but it sounds like you're waiting for something to happen as opposed to making it happen. Change that, write to people that interest you. Remember, dating is a numbers game to an extent, so the more contacts you make, the better your chances.
I am a 40 year old male and married. Were I not, I would definitly be looking for a woman in her 40s, so feel free to send me your profile and I'll tell if it's something a guy near your age would be interested in. No, that's not a proposition, just an offer if free advice.
Good luck!
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 4:38 AM on August 27, 2011 [2 favorites]
I am a 40 year old male and married. Were I not, I would definitly be looking for a woman in her 40s, so feel free to send me your profile and I'll tell if it's something a guy near your age would be interested in. No, that's not a proposition, just an offer if free advice.
Good luck!
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 4:38 AM on August 27, 2011 [2 favorites]
If you're not sure about your photos, OKCupid has an associated service called My Best Face that is very cool. It allows you to have other users rank your photos. (I think you might need to set up a profile to use it, but not necessarily a real profile. You upload the pictures directly to My Best Face, not to the OKC website.) It might be a good place to get an objective look at which photos are working and which might not be -- sometimes a more flatting photo is actually less interesting for people browsing the site.
I second what everyone said above about messaging people who interest you.
Also, if you're not finding guys on Match, try a different service! I think people can have very different success rates across different services. Not sure why that is. (Personally, I met my boyfriend on OKC and was very happy with it.)
posted by pie ninja at 4:55 AM on August 27, 2011
I second what everyone said above about messaging people who interest you.
Also, if you're not finding guys on Match, try a different service! I think people can have very different success rates across different services. Not sure why that is. (Personally, I met my boyfriend on OKC and was very happy with it.)
posted by pie ninja at 4:55 AM on August 27, 2011
I did online dating for a while, several years in all - Match, eHarmony, meetic (I'm in Europe), and finally, OKCupid. I'm 35 now, and really noticed the change when I went from 30 to 31. Search engines... sigh. So I can imagine it's similar once you're past 40. I worry about it myself, though I am happily seeing someone now.
Match.com and eHarmony were fruitless, despite having a few good (but short) conversations. meetic was roughly equivalent to going to generic bars and was depressing as hell. OKCupid was by far the best, and this is remarkable in that very few people in Europe use it compared to meetic, which has a massive userbase.
Try giving OKCupid a shot. It's free! What worked the best for me were the questions - you can really get a feel for someone if you answer questions truthfully, rank their importance genuinely, and use the comparison feature. I wrote a few guys and had some good conversations, a couple OK first dates (the only major failures I had were with dates made on meetic, oh god don't get me started), then the guy I'm currently with wrote me and asked to meet. Really neat guy.
Long story short, the huge, generically-marketed dating sites seem to attract people who fit into that sort of outlook. OKCupid, however, gives you a lot of power in defining how you use it, which lets people express their personalities better, which in turn leads to more success. Generic searches don't let you get any more detailed than, say: 35-40-year-olds with brown hair, blue eyes, 30-40K income and who use X,Y,Z pre-selected drop-down list qualifiers for their personalities. Wading through all that is rough. OKCupid, on the other hand, is a wondrous bazaar of that + the self-selected, user-defined questions and quizzes that, when a person's serious about them, actually give an insight into their character that goes beyond "human who has managed to breathe, eat and sleep for 45 years".
TL;DR I don't think the issue is you either, I think it's an interplay of factors that may have a lot to do with the services being used.
posted by fraula at 5:21 AM on August 27, 2011 [3 favorites]
Match.com and eHarmony were fruitless, despite having a few good (but short) conversations. meetic was roughly equivalent to going to generic bars and was depressing as hell. OKCupid was by far the best, and this is remarkable in that very few people in Europe use it compared to meetic, which has a massive userbase.
Try giving OKCupid a shot. It's free! What worked the best for me were the questions - you can really get a feel for someone if you answer questions truthfully, rank their importance genuinely, and use the comparison feature. I wrote a few guys and had some good conversations, a couple OK first dates (the only major failures I had were with dates made on meetic, oh god don't get me started), then the guy I'm currently with wrote me and asked to meet. Really neat guy.
Long story short, the huge, generically-marketed dating sites seem to attract people who fit into that sort of outlook. OKCupid, however, gives you a lot of power in defining how you use it, which lets people express their personalities better, which in turn leads to more success. Generic searches don't let you get any more detailed than, say: 35-40-year-olds with brown hair, blue eyes, 30-40K income and who use X,Y,Z pre-selected drop-down list qualifiers for their personalities. Wading through all that is rough. OKCupid, on the other hand, is a wondrous bazaar of that + the self-selected, user-defined questions and quizzes that, when a person's serious about them, actually give an insight into their character that goes beyond "human who has managed to breathe, eat and sleep for 45 years".
TL;DR I don't think the issue is you either, I think it's an interplay of factors that may have a lot to do with the services being used.
posted by fraula at 5:21 AM on August 27, 2011 [3 favorites]
I've had good luck with OKC, and I'm a [THE HORROR] 41 year old woman in a [WOWEE] wheelchair.
When I say 'good luck' I've had some bad experiences with guys who were um let's just say um. But the guy I'm dating now is super swell.
I did answer a bunch of questions, and people actually seem to look at them.
posted by angrycat at 6:31 AM on August 27, 2011 [2 favorites]
When I say 'good luck' I've had some bad experiences with guys who were um let's just say um. But the guy I'm dating now is super swell.
I did answer a bunch of questions, and people actually seem to look at them.
posted by angrycat at 6:31 AM on August 27, 2011 [2 favorites]
I'm older than you, just finished chemo, have a pic posted of me with no hair ... and my mailbox is full and I havea few dates coming up! I really urge you to take a hard look at your photo and profile. Maybe have a friend you trust give you a no-holds-barred review, and don't be defensive, and take the advice. Of course, I'm not suggesting you be inauthentic in any way; you may just not know your "best light". Good luck!!
posted by thinkpiece at 6:37 AM on August 27, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by thinkpiece at 6:37 AM on August 27, 2011 [1 favorite]
As a mid-30s man who recently signed up for okCupid out of some boredom, I'll say that it's really helpful to have something unique in your profile that people can hook on to and use to initiate the conversation. There are a lot of people with brief and generic profiles that give you nothing to respond to (e.g. "What I'm doing with my life: living it!"), so you just don't write to them. So maybe think of some interesting or even weird things about yourself that you might want to mention? The profile is an interesting place to think about how you present yourself as person in the world; take a good look at it, and have some friends take a look at it and give you critiques and ideas.
You can see who checks out your profile and -O.M.G.- you wouldn't believe how many 30+ year old men check out my profile. Often more than once. I've specified who I'm looking for, friends-wise, but god they just keep on a-comin', don't they?
I've often randomly clicked on some name I've been shown and found them to be younger than what I'm looking for, and me to be older than what they're looking for. Often more than once because I don't remember the names I've clicked on before. Who knows why they show me these youngsters in the first place? Not to suggest that there aren't creepy old guys out there, but maybe don't read too much into it.
posted by transient at 6:42 AM on August 27, 2011 [1 favorite]
You can see who checks out your profile and -O.M.G.- you wouldn't believe how many 30+ year old men check out my profile. Often more than once. I've specified who I'm looking for, friends-wise, but god they just keep on a-comin', don't they?
I've often randomly clicked on some name I've been shown and found them to be younger than what I'm looking for, and me to be older than what they're looking for. Often more than once because I don't remember the names I've clicked on before. Who knows why they show me these youngsters in the first place? Not to suggest that there aren't creepy old guys out there, but maybe don't read too much into it.
posted by transient at 6:42 AM on August 27, 2011 [1 favorite]
you wouldn't believe how many 30+ year old men check out my profile.
Under "similar users" on the right-hand side, they removed the ages. So when I clicked through, I ended up looking at women who were too young, and I had no interest in them. Regardless, it registers as "a visit". Oh well.
As for the asker's question, I'm fed up with the whole online dating thing. Nothing amplifies a feeling of loneliness than writing a thoughtful note and then to not even get a "No thank you" which takes 10 seconds.
I've reached a point now where I may only do this IRL, if they're going to reject me, at least do it to my face.
posted by CarlRossi at 7:06 AM on August 27, 2011
Under "similar users" on the right-hand side, they removed the ages. So when I clicked through, I ended up looking at women who were too young, and I had no interest in them. Regardless, it registers as "a visit". Oh well.
As for the asker's question, I'm fed up with the whole online dating thing. Nothing amplifies a feeling of loneliness than writing a thoughtful note and then to not even get a "No thank you" which takes 10 seconds.
I've reached a point now where I may only do this IRL, if they're going to reject me, at least do it to my face.
posted by CarlRossi at 7:06 AM on August 27, 2011
Try Plenty of Fish! I'm a 40 year old female (in a small town to boot) and I've had 7 dates in 2 weeks - 2 of which were awesome!
Good Luck!
posted by kiwi-epitome at 7:24 AM on August 27, 2011 [2 favorites]
Good Luck!
posted by kiwi-epitome at 7:24 AM on August 27, 2011 [2 favorites]
I've been on okcupid for a while now. I haven't had any LTRs as a result, but I've had plenty of dates. FWIW, I had awful luck with match.com.
It works best for me when I regularly message anyone I think I might get along with. Don't get caught up in anyone in particular until after meeting a few times. Don't send one email to the guy who looks like MR AWESOME AMAZING PERFECT and sit by your computer waiting for them to respond. Send a few messages every day and forget about it. It's like doing the dishes (only more witty and flirtatious).
Sample message:
"Looking at your photos I was surprised to see the totem of the Onazabi tribe of the Western region of Phlurg. I was in Phlurg just last year. Did you have a chance to try the crunchy sxibix? I let the concierge talk me into it, and my mouth was numb for days!"
If after a week or so you have no nibbles, re-evaluate your approach, put up a new photo, tweak your profile and try again. Some times I have more people messaging me than I can keep up with. Sometimes I go weeks without a nibble. It's strange.
Definitely ask friends to look at your profile, especially men from your target demographic.
posted by bunderful at 7:25 AM on August 27, 2011
It works best for me when I regularly message anyone I think I might get along with. Don't get caught up in anyone in particular until after meeting a few times. Don't send one email to the guy who looks like MR AWESOME AMAZING PERFECT and sit by your computer waiting for them to respond. Send a few messages every day and forget about it. It's like doing the dishes (only more witty and flirtatious).
Sample message:
"Looking at your photos I was surprised to see the totem of the Onazabi tribe of the Western region of Phlurg. I was in Phlurg just last year. Did you have a chance to try the crunchy sxibix? I let the concierge talk me into it, and my mouth was numb for days!"
If after a week or so you have no nibbles, re-evaluate your approach, put up a new photo, tweak your profile and try again. Some times I have more people messaging me than I can keep up with. Sometimes I go weeks without a nibble. It's strange.
Definitely ask friends to look at your profile, especially men from your target demographic.
posted by bunderful at 7:25 AM on August 27, 2011
It's a foregone conclusion that this AskMetafilter question is going to lead to criticisms of how men act on dating sites, but the behavior of those men is only one of many factors:
1. It's not just that men in their 40s-50s are on these sites but choosing to message women in their 20s-30s. It's that the older men get, the less likely they are to be on dating sites messaging anyone.
You can plainly see this on a site like OKCupid by searching for people in a given city in their 20s, then just people in their 30s, then 40s, etc. As you increase the age, the number of results plummets. I'll test it right now. Here are the numbers of men who are interested in women, in Albany, NY (population 100,000), who are single, have posted photos (indicating they're making a serious attempt), and have logged in to OKCupid in the past week ...
- in their 20s: 818
- in their 30s: 302
- in their 40s: 122
- in their 50s: 64
- in their 60s: 28
- in their 70s: 2
- in their 80s or 90s: 0
So based on my rough, unscientific but revealing experiment, there are almost 7 times as many men in their 20s using dating sites as there are men in their 40s. Yet people leap to the "those creepy old men who only message young women" explanation.
As people (men and women) get older, they're more likely to get married or give up on dating. Younger people also tend to be more comfortable with the internet in general and the idea of online dating in particular.
2. If the women bragging about how often they're messaged are 27 and living in New York City, while you're (say) 43 and living in Albany, NY, that would be another huge factor. (I have no idea where you're located, but I'm giving those as random examples since I recently moved from Albany to NYC. Moving to a city with 80 times as many people, of course, made a huge difference in how I used the site. Meanwhile, I was still the same person.)
3. I know you said you're hearing about other women's experience on "Match.com," but were you just using that as a synonym for "dating sites"? The specific site matters a lot. Match.com lets you see all the profiles of paid and unpaid users, but only paid users can message you. Crucially, there is no way to know if someone's paid or unpaid until you receive a message from them. The vast majority of people who sign up for any online account are not going to end up paying for it. By contrast, if you join OKCupid, every man's profile you see will be someone who can message you.
Also, "Why doesn't online dating work for me?" is a different question than "Why am I not getting more messages from men?" If you're not getting enough messages from men, try sending some messages yourself. Why should men wield all the power in choosing the matches? Why conceive of yourself only as a passive observer instead of an autonomous actor? But try OKCupid instead of Match.com, because if you send messages on Match.com most recipients will never be able to read or respond to them.
posted by John Cohen at 7:38 AM on August 27, 2011 [6 favorites]
1. It's not just that men in their 40s-50s are on these sites but choosing to message women in their 20s-30s. It's that the older men get, the less likely they are to be on dating sites messaging anyone.
You can plainly see this on a site like OKCupid by searching for people in a given city in their 20s, then just people in their 30s, then 40s, etc. As you increase the age, the number of results plummets. I'll test it right now. Here are the numbers of men who are interested in women, in Albany, NY (population 100,000), who are single, have posted photos (indicating they're making a serious attempt), and have logged in to OKCupid in the past week ...
- in their 20s: 818
- in their 30s: 302
- in their 40s: 122
- in their 50s: 64
- in their 60s: 28
- in their 70s: 2
- in their 80s or 90s: 0
So based on my rough, unscientific but revealing experiment, there are almost 7 times as many men in their 20s using dating sites as there are men in their 40s. Yet people leap to the "those creepy old men who only message young women" explanation.
As people (men and women) get older, they're more likely to get married or give up on dating. Younger people also tend to be more comfortable with the internet in general and the idea of online dating in particular.
2. If the women bragging about how often they're messaged are 27 and living in New York City, while you're (say) 43 and living in Albany, NY, that would be another huge factor. (I have no idea where you're located, but I'm giving those as random examples since I recently moved from Albany to NYC. Moving to a city with 80 times as many people, of course, made a huge difference in how I used the site. Meanwhile, I was still the same person.)
3. I know you said you're hearing about other women's experience on "Match.com," but were you just using that as a synonym for "dating sites"? The specific site matters a lot. Match.com lets you see all the profiles of paid and unpaid users, but only paid users can message you. Crucially, there is no way to know if someone's paid or unpaid until you receive a message from them. The vast majority of people who sign up for any online account are not going to end up paying for it. By contrast, if you join OKCupid, every man's profile you see will be someone who can message you.
Also, "Why doesn't online dating work for me?" is a different question than "Why am I not getting more messages from men?" If you're not getting enough messages from men, try sending some messages yourself. Why should men wield all the power in choosing the matches? Why conceive of yourself only as a passive observer instead of an autonomous actor? But try OKCupid instead of Match.com, because if you send messages on Match.com most recipients will never be able to read or respond to them.
posted by John Cohen at 7:38 AM on August 27, 2011 [6 favorites]
Just a thought - some men in their 20s and 30s are looking for women in their 30s and 40s. I've gone out with men 9 or 10 years younger than me and had a blast.
posted by bunderful at 8:30 AM on August 27, 2011
posted by bunderful at 8:30 AM on August 27, 2011
There are plenty of 40 year old women who don't have a problem like you do.
If they're willing to date married men. Or work in the tech industry, are redheaded, and willing to date married men.
More seriously, it's your age. I did online dating for 15 years, and got great responses until I hit 30. Then the responses slowed down dramatically. By 34, the few responses I got were all from married men. My profile didn't change dramatically, nor did my looks, although I updated both every six months or so, and tried fresh sites, etc.
Partially this is because men your age tend to be married/partnered off. Partially it's because men and society in general don't value older women. Do a search for men from 35 to 50 and you'll see that 90% of them specify an age range that is younger than their age, even if only by a couple of years.
Most people here are going to yap that it can't possibly be age, because they want to be all politically correct and new age and optimistic, but look at the facts: OkCupid's Stats.
That said, it could also be your profile or your picture. Read Okcupid's blog further...they've got an entry somewhere on how to take better pictures. Get a friend to critique your ad. Or, if it'd feel better coming from a stranger, post it online and ask for feedback. If you do this, you have to have a thick skin and not take anything too personally, because I guarantee some of it will hurt, whether or not there's actually anything wrong with your ad.
You mentioned not needing to send responses. No matter what your age, you need to be proactive to find the good guys. Put some work into it. Read profiles, and write thoughtful responses to the ones you like. After all, that's what you're expecting them to do, right? Also, write everyone who writes you, even the creepy ones, just to say "not interested." Some of these sites show your "response rate," and people look at that. If you have a 10% response rate they might think it's not worth their time because you wouldn't respond anyway.
If I were you, and I could afford it, I'd subscribe to one pay site, but I'd try out several that give a "free trial" to see which one works best, and then sign up for several free sites like okcupid. Do a search, and find personal ads geared to that. Atheist? Vegan? There are personal ad sites for both of those interests. See if there are any local-based personals: craigslist, the local paper (here in Seattle there is The Stranger). Also, in major cities there are activity groups geared to singles in their 30s and 40s. And let friends know you're looking to date. I was set up four times last year by one friend alone.
Good luck!
posted by thelastcamel at 9:14 AM on August 27, 2011 [2 favorites]
If they're willing to date married men. Or work in the tech industry, are redheaded, and willing to date married men.
More seriously, it's your age. I did online dating for 15 years, and got great responses until I hit 30. Then the responses slowed down dramatically. By 34, the few responses I got were all from married men. My profile didn't change dramatically, nor did my looks, although I updated both every six months or so, and tried fresh sites, etc.
Partially this is because men your age tend to be married/partnered off. Partially it's because men and society in general don't value older women. Do a search for men from 35 to 50 and you'll see that 90% of them specify an age range that is younger than their age, even if only by a couple of years.
Most people here are going to yap that it can't possibly be age, because they want to be all politically correct and new age and optimistic, but look at the facts: OkCupid's Stats.
That said, it could also be your profile or your picture. Read Okcupid's blog further...they've got an entry somewhere on how to take better pictures. Get a friend to critique your ad. Or, if it'd feel better coming from a stranger, post it online and ask for feedback. If you do this, you have to have a thick skin and not take anything too personally, because I guarantee some of it will hurt, whether or not there's actually anything wrong with your ad.
You mentioned not needing to send responses. No matter what your age, you need to be proactive to find the good guys. Put some work into it. Read profiles, and write thoughtful responses to the ones you like. After all, that's what you're expecting them to do, right? Also, write everyone who writes you, even the creepy ones, just to say "not interested." Some of these sites show your "response rate," and people look at that. If you have a 10% response rate they might think it's not worth their time because you wouldn't respond anyway.
If I were you, and I could afford it, I'd subscribe to one pay site, but I'd try out several that give a "free trial" to see which one works best, and then sign up for several free sites like okcupid. Do a search, and find personal ads geared to that. Atheist? Vegan? There are personal ad sites for both of those interests. See if there are any local-based personals: craigslist, the local paper (here in Seattle there is The Stranger). Also, in major cities there are activity groups geared to singles in their 30s and 40s. And let friends know you're looking to date. I was set up four times last year by one friend alone.
Good luck!
posted by thelastcamel at 9:14 AM on August 27, 2011 [2 favorites]
At 40 I did eHarmony. Found it to be a huge waste of time and money. My matches were not interesting to me in the LEAST. Some were creepy.
Match.com, slightly better. Some dates. Made one lasting friendship.
OkCupid, found the guy. By accident! Because I was living in Orlando at the time and widened my search on a whim and found Mr. Terrific in Evanston, IL. Now sure, many people would not be willing to move and all that, but I did find some nice local guys, too. Don't be afraid to send your own messages to the people who interest you.
Also, maybe try MeetUp.com and join a group of folks who like to do a thing you like to do. Even if it's only once a month.
posted by Glinn at 10:33 AM on August 27, 2011
Match.com, slightly better. Some dates. Made one lasting friendship.
OkCupid, found the guy. By accident! Because I was living in Orlando at the time and widened my search on a whim and found Mr. Terrific in Evanston, IL. Now sure, many people would not be willing to move and all that, but I did find some nice local guys, too. Don't be afraid to send your own messages to the people who interest you.
Also, maybe try MeetUp.com and join a group of folks who like to do a thing you like to do. Even if it's only once a month.
posted by Glinn at 10:33 AM on August 27, 2011
I've heard women in their 30s, 40s and 50s say they get lotsa responses from reasonably appealing guys and heard women in the same age groups say they get darn few. Seems like physical appearance has relatively little to do with it. Non-generic photos and words look to go a long way in motivating men to write.
posted by ambient2 at 11:04 AM on August 27, 2011
posted by ambient2 at 11:04 AM on August 27, 2011
Just one data point, for what it's worth: I met my lovely wife on Match.com. She contacted me.
posted by The Deej at 11:13 AM on August 27, 2011
posted by The Deej at 11:13 AM on August 27, 2011
Obviously have an interesting profile. I am also efficient at reading profiles and telling people what they're doing wrong, so feel free to message me your link if you want a brutally honest appraisal. My other, less nuanced suggestion, is to look your absolute best in profile pictures. Get a professional photographer to take some good pictures of you. I know, it's superficial, but when people are only seeing snippets of your personality and a couple blurry pictures from 2007, you're not doing yourself any favors. There are lots of women in their 40s on dating sites, so look hot.
Even if you're not the type of lady who gets gussied up with red lipstick and heels, definitely put on some nice makeup, get your hair done, and get some high-def pictures of yourself. You don't have to look like a Russian mail order bride, but cute clothes, some tasteful jewelry and a bit of cleavage can do wonders. When I was on Match.com, I was shocked to see a lot of older women's profiles where they were wearing Hanes t-shirts with sweaty hair and no makeup on. They frankly looked dowdy and 5-10 years older than they were. Dating involves risk-taking and a dash of glamor! I know that some men dig the natural look, and that's great, but I feel like it can't hurt to show that you clean up nice.
posted by zoomorphic at 11:23 AM on August 27, 2011
Even if you're not the type of lady who gets gussied up with red lipstick and heels, definitely put on some nice makeup, get your hair done, and get some high-def pictures of yourself. You don't have to look like a Russian mail order bride, but cute clothes, some tasteful jewelry and a bit of cleavage can do wonders. When I was on Match.com, I was shocked to see a lot of older women's profiles where they were wearing Hanes t-shirts with sweaty hair and no makeup on. They frankly looked dowdy and 5-10 years older than they were. Dating involves risk-taking and a dash of glamor! I know that some men dig the natural look, and that's great, but I feel like it can't hurt to show that you clean up nice.
posted by zoomorphic at 11:23 AM on August 27, 2011
I am also efficient at reading profiles and telling people what they're doing wrong, so feel free to message me your link if you want a brutally honest appraisal.
Same here; feel free to send me a link to your profile if you want feedback.
posted by John Cohen at 12:21 PM on August 27, 2011
Same here; feel free to send me a link to your profile if you want feedback.
posted by John Cohen at 12:21 PM on August 27, 2011
25 year olds get a lot more unsolicited attention than 45 year olds. So, age is a factor.
It's also possible that if you're not logging in, people see that you haven't been active in weeks and they assume you're not active/looking. And it's certainly possible that your profile and picture could stand to be improved.
But mostly, you're doing it wrong. Don't be so passive. Do a little searching for guys who interest you, then say hi to them.
posted by J. Wilson at 12:28 PM on August 27, 2011 [1 favorite]
It's also possible that if you're not logging in, people see that you haven't been active in weeks and they assume you're not active/looking. And it's certainly possible that your profile and picture could stand to be improved.
But mostly, you're doing it wrong. Don't be so passive. Do a little searching for guys who interest you, then say hi to them.
posted by J. Wilson at 12:28 PM on August 27, 2011 [1 favorite]
It seems that for every woman over 40 lamenting her lousy luck on dating sites there are other similar women who are knee-deep in dates. So I don't think it's pure demographics - though it is no doubt harder to find a good match after a certain age, it is by no means impossible. You are not pursuing a tap-dancing fairy-princess ballerina dream.
Many others have mentioned your profile, your willingness to take initiative, and your attitude. I want to add in a demographic angle.
Here
is a map showing sex ratios across the United States. Notice that there are more single women in the East, South and parts of the Midwest (and, interestingly, New Mexico! Go figure) and more men in the Plains states, parts of Texas, and the West. You do not say where you are, but I'm wondering if you live in a location where there are more single women than men. If you are only looking for guys in your area, that might limit your choices if you live in a heavily-female part of the country (assuming here you live in the United States). (And, for what it's worth, I know several happily married women who have moved to another city or even country to marry, or thier husbands have emigrated here to be with them.)
If you prefer to date only within your religious, racial or ethnic group that can also limit your choices, especially if you are in a demographic where men marry out more than women. It's your prerogative to date whom you choose, of course, and you may have very good reasons for limiting your dating choices. But the wider you cast your net the more fish you bring in, so to speak.
Finally, are your interests and hobbies in your profile all so female-centric that men feel they might not have enough in common with you? I mean all, not many or most. For instance, and I know I'm stereotyping here, but if your list of interests is composed entirely of "Jane Austen, quilting, and going to museums" it could be that men look at that and wonder what common interests you can share. Don't fake an interest in sports or cars or anything stereotypically masculine if you aren't interested! But there are tons and tons of interests, hobbies and activities that both men and women like; don't forget to list some of those in your profile.
posted by Rosie M. Banks at 12:39 PM on August 27, 2011
Many others have mentioned your profile, your willingness to take initiative, and your attitude. I want to add in a demographic angle.
Here
is a map showing sex ratios across the United States. Notice that there are more single women in the East, South and parts of the Midwest (and, interestingly, New Mexico! Go figure) and more men in the Plains states, parts of Texas, and the West. You do not say where you are, but I'm wondering if you live in a location where there are more single women than men. If you are only looking for guys in your area, that might limit your choices if you live in a heavily-female part of the country (assuming here you live in the United States). (And, for what it's worth, I know several happily married women who have moved to another city or even country to marry, or thier husbands have emigrated here to be with them.)
If you prefer to date only within your religious, racial or ethnic group that can also limit your choices, especially if you are in a demographic where men marry out more than women. It's your prerogative to date whom you choose, of course, and you may have very good reasons for limiting your dating choices. But the wider you cast your net the more fish you bring in, so to speak.
Finally, are your interests and hobbies in your profile all so female-centric that men feel they might not have enough in common with you? I mean all, not many or most. For instance, and I know I'm stereotyping here, but if your list of interests is composed entirely of "Jane Austen, quilting, and going to museums" it could be that men look at that and wonder what common interests you can share. Don't fake an interest in sports or cars or anything stereotypically masculine if you aren't interested! But there are tons and tons of interests, hobbies and activities that both men and women like; don't forget to list some of those in your profile.
posted by Rosie M. Banks at 12:39 PM on August 27, 2011
I met my fiance on OK Cupid, so I'm a big fan.
I was one of those women that got slammed with a completely ridiculous ton of messages (bear with me here, there's a point) in the month I was a member. I am fully aware that being 28 at the time surely didn't hurt. BUT I also chalk it up to:
1. Living in a major city. Obviously if you live in a major city such as Chicago (like me) you're going to have a wider pool than someone living in a smaller town. So if possible, widen your search a little?
2. The profile. It's hard to remember specifics since it was 4 years ago, but I veered away from generics. For example, there was one throw-away line I remember about how much I love a good zombie flick. Lordy, SO MANY men grabbed a hold of that one little line and used it as an opening gambit in messages they sent me. So many. I sprinkled my profile with several mentions of random yet specific interests/hobbies/facts about myself.
I think because it was specific and could be used to paint an image of who I might be. I mean, let's say your profile states basics such as, "I like good food." Well, uh, who doesn't? Or, "I enjoy time with friends." Well, ok, that doesn't help me. "I like exploring new things." Oh, come on. WHAT things? Are "new things" the newest cocktail bar? The newest roller coasters across the country? New and unusual sex positions? You need to give your reader something to sink their teeth into that really gives them an idea of who you are. Something that makes them want to learn even more about you. Something that they can use to connect with you in a message if they write. But as others have said, be honest about who you are. Don't try and create a persona that is not you.
As for pictures, I used FUN ones. I stayed away from posed "this is me being sexy" faces and used pictures from parties & outings. Pictures where I was obviously having fun and being active and not just presenting potential dates an idea of what I thought they might want to see.
Good luck!
posted by Windigo at 6:38 PM on August 27, 2011 [1 favorite]
I was one of those women that got slammed with a completely ridiculous ton of messages (bear with me here, there's a point) in the month I was a member. I am fully aware that being 28 at the time surely didn't hurt. BUT I also chalk it up to:
1. Living in a major city. Obviously if you live in a major city such as Chicago (like me) you're going to have a wider pool than someone living in a smaller town. So if possible, widen your search a little?
2. The profile. It's hard to remember specifics since it was 4 years ago, but I veered away from generics. For example, there was one throw-away line I remember about how much I love a good zombie flick. Lordy, SO MANY men grabbed a hold of that one little line and used it as an opening gambit in messages they sent me. So many. I sprinkled my profile with several mentions of random yet specific interests/hobbies/facts about myself.
I think because it was specific and could be used to paint an image of who I might be. I mean, let's say your profile states basics such as, "I like good food." Well, uh, who doesn't? Or, "I enjoy time with friends." Well, ok, that doesn't help me. "I like exploring new things." Oh, come on. WHAT things? Are "new things" the newest cocktail bar? The newest roller coasters across the country? New and unusual sex positions? You need to give your reader something to sink their teeth into that really gives them an idea of who you are. Something that makes them want to learn even more about you. Something that they can use to connect with you in a message if they write. But as others have said, be honest about who you are. Don't try and create a persona that is not you.
As for pictures, I used FUN ones. I stayed away from posed "this is me being sexy" faces and used pictures from parties & outings. Pictures where I was obviously having fun and being active and not just presenting potential dates an idea of what I thought they might want to see.
Good luck!
posted by Windigo at 6:38 PM on August 27, 2011 [1 favorite]
..........one more thing.
I think the tone of your profile matters as well. I would read profiles of men that seemed perfectly nice, but they had so many spelling and grammar mistakes that it was a turn off. Not because I think that signaled that they weren't intelligent. But it simply distracted me from the content of what they were saying.
The same with stilted, overly formal writing. It's not a cover letter, you're not applying for a job. I enjoyed the profiles of people who wrote in a conversational tone and certainly aimed for that with my own profile. It resonated that you are dealing with a real person and not just a vague idea, a cipher. Obviously, the real life person doesn't always match their literary voice, but it's a foot in the door. Also, there's sometimes a fine line between bragging (turn-off) and coming off as needy (bigger turn-off). Be positive - talk more about your likes instead of your dislikes. Don't tell people you're awesome; show them, through your interests and the experiences you share in your profile.
OK, that was more than just "one more thing."
posted by Windigo at 7:03 PM on August 27, 2011
I think the tone of your profile matters as well. I would read profiles of men that seemed perfectly nice, but they had so many spelling and grammar mistakes that it was a turn off. Not because I think that signaled that they weren't intelligent. But it simply distracted me from the content of what they were saying.
The same with stilted, overly formal writing. It's not a cover letter, you're not applying for a job. I enjoyed the profiles of people who wrote in a conversational tone and certainly aimed for that with my own profile. It resonated that you are dealing with a real person and not just a vague idea, a cipher. Obviously, the real life person doesn't always match their literary voice, but it's a foot in the door. Also, there's sometimes a fine line between bragging (turn-off) and coming off as needy (bigger turn-off). Be positive - talk more about your likes instead of your dislikes. Don't tell people you're awesome; show them, through your interests and the experiences you share in your profile.
OK, that was more than just "one more thing."
posted by Windigo at 7:03 PM on August 27, 2011
But mostly, you're doing it wrong. Don't be so passive. Do a little searching for guys who interest you, then say hi to them.
Agree. Also, I read some good advice on dating here at AskMe which basically said that all the "when it's right, it's right" and "the right one will come along when you're least expecting it" stuff is just harmful rhetoric. You wouldn't take that attitude with getting a better job, or a better apartment, or any other major life thing you might want, right? So why is dating a different situation? I found that to be really empowering, maybe just because I am really specific and proactive about jobs and apartments, so I may as well be for dating as well.
posted by sweetkid at 7:06 PM on August 27, 2011
Agree. Also, I read some good advice on dating here at AskMe which basically said that all the "when it's right, it's right" and "the right one will come along when you're least expecting it" stuff is just harmful rhetoric. You wouldn't take that attitude with getting a better job, or a better apartment, or any other major life thing you might want, right? So why is dating a different situation? I found that to be really empowering, maybe just because I am really specific and proactive about jobs and apartments, so I may as well be for dating as well.
posted by sweetkid at 7:06 PM on August 27, 2011
"the right one will come along when you're least expecting it" stuff is just harmful rhetoric.
Oh, yes. That's the stuff of fairy tales and romantic comedies. Here in the real world, you can be pretty sure that in any relationship or marriage you know of, at least one person made a deliberate effort to get things going. In the movies, it's so simple: two people inadvertently reach down to grab the same thing off the floor and then their eyes meet, they smile, and next thing you know they're passionately making love. It's usually not quite so simple.
posted by John Cohen at 8:17 PM on August 27, 2011 [1 favorite]
Oh, yes. That's the stuff of fairy tales and romantic comedies. Here in the real world, you can be pretty sure that in any relationship or marriage you know of, at least one person made a deliberate effort to get things going. In the movies, it's so simple: two people inadvertently reach down to grab the same thing off the floor and then their eyes meet, they smile, and next thing you know they're passionately making love. It's usually not quite so simple.
posted by John Cohen at 8:17 PM on August 27, 2011 [1 favorite]
This book is a good guide to dating online.
Think of it this way: There's a guy on that site that you are trying to meet. Just one. So worry about meeting *him*, not on whether you're popular. It's entirely possible that the guy you want to meet just isn't searching that frequently. It's not that he saw your profile and decided not to contact you. It's that he's not spending a lot of time on the site, period. So your email will get his attention.
All of the advice posted above is great. Also: consider spending money to improve your profile. Not everyone has friends who can take great photos or who give good profile advice. If you don't, you can hire a photographer. You can use a profile writing service. Even a stylist to give you a new hairstyle or help you choose flattering clothes, "What Not To Wear"-style. Have a tailor alter your clothes so they fit.
posted by klao at 6:34 AM on August 28, 2011
Think of it this way: There's a guy on that site that you are trying to meet. Just one. So worry about meeting *him*, not on whether you're popular. It's entirely possible that the guy you want to meet just isn't searching that frequently. It's not that he saw your profile and decided not to contact you. It's that he's not spending a lot of time on the site, period. So your email will get his attention.
All of the advice posted above is great. Also: consider spending money to improve your profile. Not everyone has friends who can take great photos or who give good profile advice. If you don't, you can hire a photographer. You can use a profile writing service. Even a stylist to give you a new hairstyle or help you choose flattering clothes, "What Not To Wear"-style. Have a tailor alter your clothes so they fit.
posted by klao at 6:34 AM on August 28, 2011
It's hard to say without seeing your profile, but when I used to be on OKC, here were some things that would make me less inclined to message a woman:
-Lists Atlas Shrugged as a favorite book.
-Not smiling in any pictures.
-No pictures where I can clearly see what she looks like.
-Profile written in all caps.
-Profile contains more than on "lol" or ever uses a letter to stand in for a word (as in "u").
-Profile contains a bunch of negative things about her - I assume that you have flaws, but leading with them suggests a negative streak.
-She says she "hates liars" or is "tired of playing games" right up front. Those things are both fine to have as personality traits, but putting it in your profile makes it seem like you're going to be defensive right off the bat.
-This is the hardest one to quantify, but the profile needs to have at least one thing for me to latch onto. When I send a first message, I want to ask a question or two to get the conversation started, but I need something to ask a question about. So if you answered all the questions literally and simply in a way that doesn't give me anything to ask about, I may say, "oh, she seems interesting" click on "message" stare at the text box for five minutes, realize I have nothing to write, and move on.
posted by Ragged Richard at 4:06 PM on August 29, 2011 [1 favorite]
-Lists Atlas Shrugged as a favorite book.
-Not smiling in any pictures.
-No pictures where I can clearly see what she looks like.
-Profile written in all caps.
-Profile contains more than on "lol" or ever uses a letter to stand in for a word (as in "u").
-Profile contains a bunch of negative things about her - I assume that you have flaws, but leading with them suggests a negative streak.
-She says she "hates liars" or is "tired of playing games" right up front. Those things are both fine to have as personality traits, but putting it in your profile makes it seem like you're going to be defensive right off the bat.
-This is the hardest one to quantify, but the profile needs to have at least one thing for me to latch onto. When I send a first message, I want to ask a question or two to get the conversation started, but I need something to ask a question about. So if you answered all the questions literally and simply in a way that doesn't give me anything to ask about, I may say, "oh, she seems interesting" click on "message" stare at the text box for five minutes, realize I have nothing to write, and move on.
posted by Ragged Richard at 4:06 PM on August 29, 2011 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
I wouldn't sit and wait for people to contact you -- contact them! Just keep doing it and don't think too much about it.
posted by sweetkid at 11:26 PM on August 26, 2011 [7 favorites]