Help me be less bitter
August 23, 2011 10:21 AM Subscribe
I'm extremely bitter about my situation living at home with my parents and caring for my relative. Please help me be less bitter.
Anonymous because some of my family uses AskMeFi. I'm not going to go into a ton of personal detail here so feel free to email me at bittermefianon@gmail.com if you want the whole story.
I'm a college student who lives at home and attends a local university. When I was still in high school, a disabled relative moved in with us. They cannot walk and cannot be left alone for more than ~2 hours. We tried having an in-home aide, but it didn't work out and my parents/relative do not want to try again. I decided to attend the local university instead of moving away so I could help my mother care for the relative. My mother and I are very close and I felt too guilty leaving her stuck at home with the relative. We are also very close to the relative.
I have an older sibling who lives with their significant other. They don't help with anything. The few times I have asked them to come mind the relative so my mother and I could get out of the house to do something together (for around 6 hours at a time, usually less), they called us every hour asking when we were coming home. They are totally clueless about how to care for the relative or our pets (I'm pretty sure it's an act so we will stop asking for help), so going out is not even worth the aggravation of asking them for help. I'm very bitter about this - they do whatever they want all day and travel around the country without a care in the world.
I leave the house to go to school and usually come right home so I can give my mother a break. She also works 10 hours on Sat/Sun, so I cannot leave the house on weekends. I want to have the normal life that people my age have - live at college, go on road trips and have friends. Friendships don't last long because I'm never available to drop everything and hang out - I have grown apart from all my old and new friends. I also find it increasingly difficult to relate to people my age. I am basically friendless right now.
I don't understand why I am the only one with any sense of responsibility. Other relatives couldn't care less about the disabled relative - they visit or call once every year to beg for money. My sibling and dad are useless. My mother has it way worse than me - she cared for her husband's sick relatives, then had children to care for, now has this relative to care for. She has never travelled or had free time, and has always been responsible for someone's well being. I feel very guilt about that even though I know it isn't my fault. I would love to send her away for a cruise or a short vacation, but she says she would feel horrible for leaving me alone and she wouldn't want to go alone anyway. We can't even go away for a weekend. It's been 13 years since we have been on a vacation.
The worst part of all of this is I'm growing content. I don't even feel like leaving the house anymore or making new friends/talking to old friends. It's not healthy to be this socially isolated and I'm honestly afraid of what the rest of my life is going to be like.
I don't know exactly what I'm asking here. Have you dealt with a similar situation? How can I change my life to be more satisfied? How can I stop feeling bitter/angry at people who have no sense of responsibility? How can I stop feeling angry that I'm more or less stuck here? Any advice is appreciated.
Anonymous because some of my family uses AskMeFi. I'm not going to go into a ton of personal detail here so feel free to email me at bittermefianon@gmail.com if you want the whole story.
I'm a college student who lives at home and attends a local university. When I was still in high school, a disabled relative moved in with us. They cannot walk and cannot be left alone for more than ~2 hours. We tried having an in-home aide, but it didn't work out and my parents/relative do not want to try again. I decided to attend the local university instead of moving away so I could help my mother care for the relative. My mother and I are very close and I felt too guilty leaving her stuck at home with the relative. We are also very close to the relative.
I have an older sibling who lives with their significant other. They don't help with anything. The few times I have asked them to come mind the relative so my mother and I could get out of the house to do something together (for around 6 hours at a time, usually less), they called us every hour asking when we were coming home. They are totally clueless about how to care for the relative or our pets (I'm pretty sure it's an act so we will stop asking for help), so going out is not even worth the aggravation of asking them for help. I'm very bitter about this - they do whatever they want all day and travel around the country without a care in the world.
I leave the house to go to school and usually come right home so I can give my mother a break. She also works 10 hours on Sat/Sun, so I cannot leave the house on weekends. I want to have the normal life that people my age have - live at college, go on road trips and have friends. Friendships don't last long because I'm never available to drop everything and hang out - I have grown apart from all my old and new friends. I also find it increasingly difficult to relate to people my age. I am basically friendless right now.
I don't understand why I am the only one with any sense of responsibility. Other relatives couldn't care less about the disabled relative - they visit or call once every year to beg for money. My sibling and dad are useless. My mother has it way worse than me - she cared for her husband's sick relatives, then had children to care for, now has this relative to care for. She has never travelled or had free time, and has always been responsible for someone's well being. I feel very guilt about that even though I know it isn't my fault. I would love to send her away for a cruise or a short vacation, but she says she would feel horrible for leaving me alone and she wouldn't want to go alone anyway. We can't even go away for a weekend. It's been 13 years since we have been on a vacation.
The worst part of all of this is I'm growing content. I don't even feel like leaving the house anymore or making new friends/talking to old friends. It's not healthy to be this socially isolated and I'm honestly afraid of what the rest of my life is going to be like.
I don't know exactly what I'm asking here. Have you dealt with a similar situation? How can I change my life to be more satisfied? How can I stop feeling bitter/angry at people who have no sense of responsibility? How can I stop feeling angry that I'm more or less stuck here? Any advice is appreciated.
I decided to attend the local university instead of moving away so I could help my mother care for the relative. My mother and I are very close and I felt too guilty leaving her stuck at home with the relative.
they do whatever they want all day and travel around the country without a care in the world.
My mother has it way worse than me - she cared for her husband's sick relatives, then had children to care for, now has this relative to care for. She has never travelled or had free time, and has always been responsible for someone's well being.
I don't mean to be crass, but this is your decision--and your mother's decision to devote her life to caring for others. People will let others pick up the responsibility as much as they can get away with. Do the sibling or relative really know how you feel? Why is trying another in-home aide, or having another support system out of the question--I mean, how can you and your mother be bitter about not getting assistance on one hand, but then refuse to hire assistance on the other?
posted by blazingunicorn at 10:37 AM on August 23, 2011 [4 favorites]
they do whatever they want all day and travel around the country without a care in the world.
My mother has it way worse than me - she cared for her husband's sick relatives, then had children to care for, now has this relative to care for. She has never travelled or had free time, and has always been responsible for someone's well being.
I don't mean to be crass, but this is your decision--and your mother's decision to devote her life to caring for others. People will let others pick up the responsibility as much as they can get away with. Do the sibling or relative really know how you feel? Why is trying another in-home aide, or having another support system out of the question--I mean, how can you and your mother be bitter about not getting assistance on one hand, but then refuse to hire assistance on the other?
posted by blazingunicorn at 10:37 AM on August 23, 2011 [4 favorites]
This situation demands a health care professional be hired to assist with the work of caring for your relative. Your answer does not indicate that money is the issue, so I'll assume it's not.
Draw up a reasonable schedule which includes significant assistance from a medical professional at set times, especially on weekends. Then sit down with the family and explain that you are only willing to cover the times you have allotted to yourself in the schedule (maybe a few weekdays and occasional weekends), and that unless they are willing to hire an aide, they are going to have to figure out how to cover the rest of the time. Then move out and only come over when it is your scheduled time to watch the relative.
You say they are already against bringing someone in to help, but that is too bad. You can't give your whole life just because they apparently are willing to. It is understandable why you feel guilty/sad for your mom, but the bottom line is it is her choice!!! Especially if bringing someone in was possible but she opted against it. Making these difficult choices and empowering yourself is the best (and maybe only) way of easing the bitterness. You should be the only one in control of your life, but right now you are letting other people/circumstances make decisions for you.
tl;dr: Get a medical aide. You CANNOT go down with the sinking ship, regardless of how much you love the people on that ship. They are adults who can make their own chioces.
posted by angab at 10:37 AM on August 23, 2011 [20 favorites]
Draw up a reasonable schedule which includes significant assistance from a medical professional at set times, especially on weekends. Then sit down with the family and explain that you are only willing to cover the times you have allotted to yourself in the schedule (maybe a few weekdays and occasional weekends), and that unless they are willing to hire an aide, they are going to have to figure out how to cover the rest of the time. Then move out and only come over when it is your scheduled time to watch the relative.
You say they are already against bringing someone in to help, but that is too bad. You can't give your whole life just because they apparently are willing to. It is understandable why you feel guilty/sad for your mom, but the bottom line is it is her choice!!! Especially if bringing someone in was possible but she opted against it. Making these difficult choices and empowering yourself is the best (and maybe only) way of easing the bitterness. You should be the only one in control of your life, but right now you are letting other people/circumstances make decisions for you.
tl;dr: Get a medical aide. You CANNOT go down with the sinking ship, regardless of how much you love the people on that ship. They are adults who can make their own chioces.
posted by angab at 10:37 AM on August 23, 2011 [20 favorites]
You'll always regret something you didn't do much more than something you did.
You need to take a stand, now, and tell your mother that you need to have your own life, and that you're very sorry for the burden she's taken on, but you can't let what happened to her happen to you.
posted by Oktober at 10:38 AM on August 23, 2011 [1 favorite]
You need to take a stand, now, and tell your mother that you need to have your own life, and that you're very sorry for the burden she's taken on, but you can't let what happened to her happen to you.
posted by Oktober at 10:38 AM on August 23, 2011 [1 favorite]
How can I stop feeling angry that I'm more or less stuck here?
You can't, if you keep doing things the way you are now. You ARE stuck. Of COURSE you are angry.
How can I stop feeling bitter/angry at people who have no sense of responsibility?
These people see the situation you and your mother are in, and avoid it for dear life. If you and your mother were my sister and my mother, I'd feel absolutely terrible about it, but no, I wouldn't want to get wrapped up in that drama in ANY way - including coming over for short times to help out. I'd feel like that would be just opening the door to more requests for help, and I'd have a hard time saying no. Again, of course you are bitter and angry, but it's really about the situation, not the people. They're acting out of self-preservation, and you need to get on that train, too.
My personal opinion is that living like that is absolutely no way to spend years of your life, especially these particular years when you should be having a blast at school, making friends, etc. You need to figure out what is more important to you - continuing to be this relative's constant caretaker and your mother's constant helper, or creating a real life for yourself. Becoming more satisfied, not feeling bitter with your sibling, not feeling angry, etc. is not going to go away unless you figure out a way to change this situation.
You know the old saying about doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results, right?
I mean, what is the long-term plan, here? You and your mother care for the relative forever and ever, amen? That is not reasonable, and, at SOME point, the current setup is going to be forced to change. Why not change it now, instead?
Revisit the in-home care option. Immediately. If you can't do it for yourself, do it for your mother.
posted by coupdefoudre at 10:40 AM on August 23, 2011 [1 favorite]
You can't, if you keep doing things the way you are now. You ARE stuck. Of COURSE you are angry.
How can I stop feeling bitter/angry at people who have no sense of responsibility?
These people see the situation you and your mother are in, and avoid it for dear life. If you and your mother were my sister and my mother, I'd feel absolutely terrible about it, but no, I wouldn't want to get wrapped up in that drama in ANY way - including coming over for short times to help out. I'd feel like that would be just opening the door to more requests for help, and I'd have a hard time saying no. Again, of course you are bitter and angry, but it's really about the situation, not the people. They're acting out of self-preservation, and you need to get on that train, too.
My personal opinion is that living like that is absolutely no way to spend years of your life, especially these particular years when you should be having a blast at school, making friends, etc. You need to figure out what is more important to you - continuing to be this relative's constant caretaker and your mother's constant helper, or creating a real life for yourself. Becoming more satisfied, not feeling bitter with your sibling, not feeling angry, etc. is not going to go away unless you figure out a way to change this situation.
You know the old saying about doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results, right?
I mean, what is the long-term plan, here? You and your mother care for the relative forever and ever, amen? That is not reasonable, and, at SOME point, the current setup is going to be forced to change. Why not change it now, instead?
Revisit the in-home care option. Immediately. If you can't do it for yourself, do it for your mother.
posted by coupdefoudre at 10:40 AM on August 23, 2011 [1 favorite]
I haven't dealt with a situation like this, but I've watched a friend (actually, several generations of the same family) go through something like this. The "responsible" sibling (R) takes care of the sick or elderly relative, sacrificing her own interests, time, and even health. R's siblings do nothing. Of R's kids, one emerges as the "responsible" sibling (R2). R2 helps R take care of the sick or elderly relative, sacrificing her own interests, time, and even health. R2's siblings do nothing. And so on. It will never end until one of the "responsible" people puts some reasonable limits on her self-sacrifice.
The thing is, you can't stop your mom from working herself to the bone, and you can't stop your siblings from refusing to help. You can, however, decide what you need and figure out how to get it. Maybe you need to be able to take a full day off from taking care of your relative. You can approach your mom and say, "I need to be able to have Saturdays for catching up on rest, socializing, and just generally recharging my batteries. I've research in-home health aides and I think we should give Company X a try. Another option would be adult daycare." If your mom objects, citing past bad experiences with in-home help or adult daycare, you say--and I know this is hard--"Well, Mom, I'm telling you that I need Saturdays off. If you're unwilling to consider in-home care, and if you're willing to do all of Auntie's care on Saturdays, that's your decision, but I need for us to have an understanding that I'm taking Saturdays off."
posted by Meg_Murry at 10:42 AM on August 23, 2011 [2 favorites]
The thing is, you can't stop your mom from working herself to the bone, and you can't stop your siblings from refusing to help. You can, however, decide what you need and figure out how to get it. Maybe you need to be able to take a full day off from taking care of your relative. You can approach your mom and say, "I need to be able to have Saturdays for catching up on rest, socializing, and just generally recharging my batteries. I've research in-home health aides and I think we should give Company X a try. Another option would be adult daycare." If your mom objects, citing past bad experiences with in-home help or adult daycare, you say--and I know this is hard--"Well, Mom, I'm telling you that I need Saturdays off. If you're unwilling to consider in-home care, and if you're willing to do all of Auntie's care on Saturdays, that's your decision, but I need for us to have an understanding that I'm taking Saturdays off."
posted by Meg_Murry at 10:42 AM on August 23, 2011 [2 favorites]
We tried having an in-home aide, but it didn't work out and my parents/relative do not want to try again.
Tough. This situation is not about what people want - your mother wants to take a vacation, you want a social life, your relative presumably wants to not be so dependent - it's about what is necessary to make this workable. 10 hours a week would make a huge difference to your household's quality of life.
They cannot walk and cannot be left alone for more than ~2 hours.
Two hours is enough to go out to dinner with your mom. Go.
posted by DarlingBri at 10:46 AM on August 23, 2011 [2 favorites]
Tough. This situation is not about what people want - your mother wants to take a vacation, you want a social life, your relative presumably wants to not be so dependent - it's about what is necessary to make this workable. 10 hours a week would make a huge difference to your household's quality of life.
They cannot walk and cannot be left alone for more than ~2 hours.
Two hours is enough to go out to dinner with your mom. Go.
posted by DarlingBri at 10:46 AM on August 23, 2011 [2 favorites]
We tried having an in-home aide, but it didn't work out and my parents/relative do not want to try again.
Nthing that this is the core of problem. You deserve to have a life of your own, and so does your mother. Does the relative have health insurance that would cover some professional in-home help?
Please be careful not to tar and feather your sibling and other relatives as having "no sense of responsibility" while setting yourself up as a paragon of responsibility. Wanting to sacrifice your entire life just so your relative doesn't have to deal with in-home care from a professional is not "responsible," especially when you are neglecting your own life (especially at such an important time!). The truly responsible thing is to take care of your own needs and ask for help when you need it - and it sounds like there is no denying that you and your mother need help. Your bitterness at the situation and your choices may also be apparent to the relative, who I'm sure feels like enough of a burden as it is without having to be responsible for you sacrificing your college years to care for them.
To be frank, it sounds like you might enjoy the moral superiority you gain out of the arrangement, where you get to bitch about everyone else being Irresponsible and Frivolous while only you and your mother are Responsible and Loyal. My mom does this a lot when she's depressed - she decides someone needs help that NOBODY ELSE can possibly provide, then totally martyrs herself caring for this person around the clock in ways that mean she can't have a life. In exchange, she gets an excuse to deny herself a life (since she's so depressed she doesn't want one anyway), and gets a big sense of moral superiority to lord over her siblings. Make sure you (or your mom) aren't doing that.
posted by dialetheia at 10:48 AM on August 23, 2011 [15 favorites]
Nthing that this is the core of problem. You deserve to have a life of your own, and so does your mother. Does the relative have health insurance that would cover some professional in-home help?
Please be careful not to tar and feather your sibling and other relatives as having "no sense of responsibility" while setting yourself up as a paragon of responsibility. Wanting to sacrifice your entire life just so your relative doesn't have to deal with in-home care from a professional is not "responsible," especially when you are neglecting your own life (especially at such an important time!). The truly responsible thing is to take care of your own needs and ask for help when you need it - and it sounds like there is no denying that you and your mother need help. Your bitterness at the situation and your choices may also be apparent to the relative, who I'm sure feels like enough of a burden as it is without having to be responsible for you sacrificing your college years to care for them.
To be frank, it sounds like you might enjoy the moral superiority you gain out of the arrangement, where you get to bitch about everyone else being Irresponsible and Frivolous while only you and your mother are Responsible and Loyal. My mom does this a lot when she's depressed - she decides someone needs help that NOBODY ELSE can possibly provide, then totally martyrs herself caring for this person around the clock in ways that mean she can't have a life. In exchange, she gets an excuse to deny herself a life (since she's so depressed she doesn't want one anyway), and gets a big sense of moral superiority to lord over her siblings. Make sure you (or your mom) aren't doing that.
posted by dialetheia at 10:48 AM on August 23, 2011 [15 favorites]
Even if long-term help isn't possible (and I have to agree with other posters that your mother is making a rod for her own back if she won't even consider it), you should look into respite care - short term care for your relative either at home or somewhere else, to give both of you a break.
I'd be interested to hear (via the mods) what your father's role in all this is too. You say he's useless, but you don't seem to be as angry with him as your sibling. I'd argue that if his wife is suffering and if she's looked after his relatives in the past, then he has as much (if not more) responsibility to help as your sibling.
I do sympathise with your desire to do the right thing by your relative, but as you have noted, this lifestyle and set of choices is not the norm in most western countries. You can either own that choice and decide that your sacrifice is worthwhile, or you can decide that it isn't and do something about the situation. Sadly, I think you have to accept that your sibling has made their choice and is not going to change their behaviour, however much you think they should.
posted by *becca* at 10:52 AM on August 23, 2011 [1 favorite]
I'd be interested to hear (via the mods) what your father's role in all this is too. You say he's useless, but you don't seem to be as angry with him as your sibling. I'd argue that if his wife is suffering and if she's looked after his relatives in the past, then he has as much (if not more) responsibility to help as your sibling.
I do sympathise with your desire to do the right thing by your relative, but as you have noted, this lifestyle and set of choices is not the norm in most western countries. You can either own that choice and decide that your sacrifice is worthwhile, or you can decide that it isn't and do something about the situation. Sadly, I think you have to accept that your sibling has made their choice and is not going to change their behaviour, however much you think they should.
posted by *becca* at 10:52 AM on August 23, 2011 [1 favorite]
Next time, tell your sibling you'll be back at x o'clock and turn your phone off. People can only badger you if you let them. Also, you should take your mother out to dinner and shopping, maybe get your nails done and leave disabled relative at home with your father. Again, turn phone off. If an emergency occurs, they can call 911 or figure out how to solve it. And it makes NO sense not to get an in-home aid. STOP being a victim and encourage your mother to do the same, if she won't, that's on her.
posted by shoesietart at 11:02 AM on August 23, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by shoesietart at 11:02 AM on August 23, 2011 [1 favorite]
(As a side note, we had to try several home aides for an older relative before we found one - who was great - who clicked with my relative and could do the work. If you have the funds to hire someone, absolutely keep trying until you find someone who works. Even if they spend some time "working along" with you until you're confident that they can do the job.)
Perversely, it's good that you're frustrated. At least, if you're like me you martyr yourself until you snap before you can fix anything - so now you're ready to snap, hooray!
Have you had a frank talk with your sibling and/or other relatives? IME, it takes a while for people to move from accepting that they need to help to being ready to help to actually being successful at helping - unless your sibling is actually intentionally committed to being irresponsible, a frank talk about how hard this is for you and how much others are needed may move them into a better place. A lot of people can ignore a bad situation when it's not spelled out, but most folks can't turn down a direct appeal for help from someone they care about.
Remember that if care involves a lot of bodily stuff - helping your relative to the bathroom, a respirator - your sibling will probably need to work along with you a couple of times before they are comfortable. Frankly, it's scary and pushes some "ew gross" buttons to have to take an older relative to the bathroom, especially when you're still pretty young and don't have much experience with childcare. Getting past that through practice is really important. If your sibling is willing to help at all, they should probably spend a couple of visits with you practicing so that they know what to expect. This will make them more comfortable and make the whole thing seem less horrible and scary. Also, unless they're really cold-hearted, once they get past the "ew" response, compassion will kick in. A lot of people have trouble accessing compassion when they're struggling to handle a new and frightening situation.
Don't underestimate how scary home care can be for people who haven't done it. Most middle class people grow up without dealing with seriously ill or disabled bodies, and we're socialized to believe that illness and disability are catastrophic, a sign of failure and possibly contagious - maybe we don't think those things consciously, but they're in the air. Your sibling doesn't have to be a selfish monster to be frightened and uncomfortable.
I don't really like the mefi common sense of "think of yourself first". Some people can't care for themselves; if no one cares for them, they suffer horribly or die. Somebody has to care for your relative; that's not negotiable. You're a good and morally-present person for making some sacrifices to care for your relative.
Probably you'll always make some sacrifices like this. If you're a morally-present person, you'll find that you can't turn away from people who truly need help when it's in your power to help them. "Take care of yourself first" is fine when the cabin is depressurizing, but it's not fine when your relative is a quadriplegic on a respirator.
The thing is, if you are caring for others - if that's your character - you have to be rational about it. If you can avoid burning yourself out, that's what you need to do. That means pushing to get help caring for your relative, whether paid or from your relatives. I don't think it means ditching your mother unless you and she can work out some arrangement to replace your efforts.
I'm sorry that this is happening to you. The world is cruel, and common sense/self-help philosophy doesn't really have the answers to that deep-down cruelty.
posted by Frowner at 11:08 AM on August 23, 2011 [6 favorites]
Perversely, it's good that you're frustrated. At least, if you're like me you martyr yourself until you snap before you can fix anything - so now you're ready to snap, hooray!
Have you had a frank talk with your sibling and/or other relatives? IME, it takes a while for people to move from accepting that they need to help to being ready to help to actually being successful at helping - unless your sibling is actually intentionally committed to being irresponsible, a frank talk about how hard this is for you and how much others are needed may move them into a better place. A lot of people can ignore a bad situation when it's not spelled out, but most folks can't turn down a direct appeal for help from someone they care about.
Remember that if care involves a lot of bodily stuff - helping your relative to the bathroom, a respirator - your sibling will probably need to work along with you a couple of times before they are comfortable. Frankly, it's scary and pushes some "ew gross" buttons to have to take an older relative to the bathroom, especially when you're still pretty young and don't have much experience with childcare. Getting past that through practice is really important. If your sibling is willing to help at all, they should probably spend a couple of visits with you practicing so that they know what to expect. This will make them more comfortable and make the whole thing seem less horrible and scary. Also, unless they're really cold-hearted, once they get past the "ew" response, compassion will kick in. A lot of people have trouble accessing compassion when they're struggling to handle a new and frightening situation.
Don't underestimate how scary home care can be for people who haven't done it. Most middle class people grow up without dealing with seriously ill or disabled bodies, and we're socialized to believe that illness and disability are catastrophic, a sign of failure and possibly contagious - maybe we don't think those things consciously, but they're in the air. Your sibling doesn't have to be a selfish monster to be frightened and uncomfortable.
I don't really like the mefi common sense of "think of yourself first". Some people can't care for themselves; if no one cares for them, they suffer horribly or die. Somebody has to care for your relative; that's not negotiable. You're a good and morally-present person for making some sacrifices to care for your relative.
Probably you'll always make some sacrifices like this. If you're a morally-present person, you'll find that you can't turn away from people who truly need help when it's in your power to help them. "Take care of yourself first" is fine when the cabin is depressurizing, but it's not fine when your relative is a quadriplegic on a respirator.
The thing is, if you are caring for others - if that's your character - you have to be rational about it. If you can avoid burning yourself out, that's what you need to do. That means pushing to get help caring for your relative, whether paid or from your relatives. I don't think it means ditching your mother unless you and she can work out some arrangement to replace your efforts.
I'm sorry that this is happening to you. The world is cruel, and common sense/self-help philosophy doesn't really have the answers to that deep-down cruelty.
posted by Frowner at 11:08 AM on August 23, 2011 [6 favorites]
Your relative should be (and may be) grateful that they aren't abandoned in an institution. Your mother (AND father) should be grateful that you are doing anything to help.
But your relative and parents would rather sacrifice you and your mom on the altar than "be interested" in finding outside help? Tough titties. Not your problem, except that you are making it so.
It's a bitter situation, but also completely in your power to change. Good luck.
posted by cyndigo at 11:47 AM on August 23, 2011
But your relative and parents would rather sacrifice you and your mom on the altar than "be interested" in finding outside help? Tough titties. Not your problem, except that you are making it so.
It's a bitter situation, but also completely in your power to change. Good luck.
posted by cyndigo at 11:47 AM on August 23, 2011
Your relative should be (and may be) grateful that they aren't abandoned in an institution.
Please don't equate placement in assisted living or a nursing home with abandoning someone.
posted by crankylex at 11:51 AM on August 23, 2011 [13 favorites]
Please don't equate placement in assisted living or a nursing home with abandoning someone.
posted by crankylex at 11:51 AM on August 23, 2011 [13 favorites]
It sounds like you need to determine how much help (if any!) you are willing to give going forward -- perhaps one week a month, perhaps one day a week, perhaps one month a year -- then set a date, sit down with your mother and explain how you feel, and on that date begin your new schedule. You can't make other people be as responsible as you, but at the same time, you have a responsibility to yourself to fulfill as well. Stop focusing on your non-helpful relatives, because they did not make the situation, nor are they making you dedicate so much of your life to dealing with it. Focus on yourself, what you want and need, and look for a balance that suits you.
Also: "my parents/relative don't want to try again" is not the same as "my parents/relative don't want to try again, so I have to take the place of a caregiver." They cannot force you into this position.
Good luck, and remember: doing the right thing is seldom easy, otherwise we'd all be doing it. However, you don't have to take the entire burden on your shoulders, and you don't always have to do the right thing.
posted by davejay at 11:55 AM on August 23, 2011 [1 favorite]
Also: "my parents/relative don't want to try again" is not the same as "my parents/relative don't want to try again, so I have to take the place of a caregiver." They cannot force you into this position.
Good luck, and remember: doing the right thing is seldom easy, otherwise we'd all be doing it. However, you don't have to take the entire burden on your shoulders, and you don't always have to do the right thing.
posted by davejay at 11:55 AM on August 23, 2011 [1 favorite]
It's pretty common for people to make big sacrifices, and then resent it. Usually this is because the sacrifice is supposed to a gesture - other people will see that you're making a big sacrifice, realize you are a kind person who deserves the right to live your own life and rush to your aid, preventing you from destroying yourself. It's a similar logic to a guy in a bar who tries to fight someone, knowing that his buddies will be holding him back saying "It's not worth it, bro!"
Your problem is that your buddies didn't hold you back, you rushed into a bar fight and now you're thinking "Wait, I'm in a bar fight..." and no-one is coming to rescue you. You think it ought to work that way because you're the buddy holding your mom back in her bar fight yelling "It's not worth it, bro!" It's not even clear that your mom really wants to be held back - maybe she's not in a bar fight, maybe she's running into a burning building to save someone.
You offer to send her off on vacation, and she refuses. Maybe this is because this is what her life is about, she gets to look back and see that it was devoted to helping her family. What's wrong with that? Maybe it's not a coincidence that she found someone else who needed her right when her children were old enough to take care of themselves. You look at your mother and see everything that she missed out/is missing out on, but is that how she feels? Or is it a projection of your own fears about your life?
If you decide to start a bar fight, be prepared to fight. Don't blame your irresponsible relatives for not saving you. Either the fight is worth it or it isn't.
posted by AlsoMike at 12:08 PM on August 23, 2011 [7 favorites]
Your problem is that your buddies didn't hold you back, you rushed into a bar fight and now you're thinking "Wait, I'm in a bar fight..." and no-one is coming to rescue you. You think it ought to work that way because you're the buddy holding your mom back in her bar fight yelling "It's not worth it, bro!" It's not even clear that your mom really wants to be held back - maybe she's not in a bar fight, maybe she's running into a burning building to save someone.
You offer to send her off on vacation, and she refuses. Maybe this is because this is what her life is about, she gets to look back and see that it was devoted to helping her family. What's wrong with that? Maybe it's not a coincidence that she found someone else who needed her right when her children were old enough to take care of themselves. You look at your mother and see everything that she missed out/is missing out on, but is that how she feels? Or is it a projection of your own fears about your life?
If you decide to start a bar fight, be prepared to fight. Don't blame your irresponsible relatives for not saving you. Either the fight is worth it or it isn't.
posted by AlsoMike at 12:08 PM on August 23, 2011 [7 favorites]
I don't have any direct suggestions, but I remember a chapter modeling how to navigate looking out for one's best interests and maintaining boundaries in a caregiving situation in Harriet Lerner's The Dance of Anger - it might be a useful resource for thinking about how to approach your family members in changing your role.
posted by Neely O'Hara at 12:20 PM on August 23, 2011
posted by Neely O'Hara at 12:20 PM on August 23, 2011
Also, I don't know what country you are living in, but there is specific support for young carers in both the UK and Ireland. If there are resources in your region, a quick Google will turn them up. (There may be a keyword phrase other than "young carers" in your country; I don't know.)
posted by DarlingBri at 12:35 PM on August 23, 2011
posted by DarlingBri at 12:35 PM on August 23, 2011
Please don't equate placement in assisted living or a nursing home with abandoning someone.
Sorry, crankylex, you're absolutely right about that. Being in an institution or assisted living in no way automatically equals abandoment, and it was sloppy writing on my part to equate the two.
posted by cyndigo at 12:54 PM on August 23, 2011 [3 favorites]
Sorry, crankylex, you're absolutely right about that. Being in an institution or assisted living in no way automatically equals abandoment, and it was sloppy writing on my part to equate the two.
posted by cyndigo at 12:54 PM on August 23, 2011 [3 favorites]
Let's look at the sequence of events:
Like others, I don't want to sound crass, but you're really setting up a situation where you believe you "have to" do something, and then you're going to lament all the opportunities you missed out on because of what you "had" to do. And yet every step of the way, you "decide" to do things. This is going to result in an AskMeFi down the road where you talk about a poor academic record, not having any good job opportunities, and/or a non-existent social support system because of this situation which you chose. Your sibling, meanwhile, is making the calculation that his/her priority is developing a life and relationship with his/her significant other. That doesn't sound necessarily illogical. Are you sure this isn't an ongoing experiment in self-sabotage on your part?
Why is the first event "We tried having an in-home aide, but it didn't work out and my parents/relative do not want to try again," rather than your mother writing this AskMeFi with, "We tried having my college-age daughter take on the home-care responsibilities, but it didn't work out and she does not want to try again" ? Doesn't that sound like a fairly reasonable course of events for your family to work with and make their decisions/plans starting from there?
Arranging for care of the relative is an issue to be worked out between your mother, your father, and the relative. I suspect your parents in conjunction with your relative are reasonably smart people and can arrange some in-home care options from a professional.
posted by deanc at 1:01 PM on August 23, 2011 [3 favorites]
We tried having an in-home aide, but it didn't work out and my parents/relative do not want to try again.Resulting in:
I decided to attend the local university instead of moving away so I could help my mother care for the relative.
My mother and I are very close and I felt too guilty leaving her stuck at home with the relative.
I leave the house to go to school and usually come right home so I can give my mother a break.
I have grown apart from all my old and new friends. I also find it increasingly difficult to relate to people my age. I am basically friendless right now.Noticing a pattern?
Like others, I don't want to sound crass, but you're really setting up a situation where you believe you "have to" do something, and then you're going to lament all the opportunities you missed out on because of what you "had" to do. And yet every step of the way, you "decide" to do things. This is going to result in an AskMeFi down the road where you talk about a poor academic record, not having any good job opportunities, and/or a non-existent social support system because of this situation which you chose. Your sibling, meanwhile, is making the calculation that his/her priority is developing a life and relationship with his/her significant other. That doesn't sound necessarily illogical. Are you sure this isn't an ongoing experiment in self-sabotage on your part?
Why is the first event "We tried having an in-home aide, but it didn't work out and my parents/relative do not want to try again," rather than your mother writing this AskMeFi with, "We tried having my college-age daughter take on the home-care responsibilities, but it didn't work out and she does not want to try again" ? Doesn't that sound like a fairly reasonable course of events for your family to work with and make their decisions/plans starting from there?
Arranging for care of the relative is an issue to be worked out between your mother, your father, and the relative. I suspect your parents in conjunction with your relative are reasonably smart people and can arrange some in-home care options from a professional.
posted by deanc at 1:01 PM on August 23, 2011 [3 favorites]
I come from a culture in which family is a high priority; I could easily have been in your shoes. I think it's REALLY important to consider that culture has a lot to do with how people handle situations like this, and it may be very difficult to just "be an individual" and not have extensive involvement with an ailing relative.
In my culture, this means that when a relative is ill, the entire family rallies around them, and there are no martyrs. If someone is ill in a way similar to your relative, uncles and aunties will come over frequently to help - cleaning the house, cooking, etc. This is obviously not your situation unless you come from a culture like mine and live in the West, in which case it looks like your siblings may have taken Western views about individuality to heart. Talk to them either way.
Culture aside, they need to be involved with caring for your relative - how you go about getting them to do that is up to you. Just be sure not to risk the relative's health in the process. When your siblings come over, definitely send their phone numbers to voicemail (some phones have that option to discriminate). Stonewall, as much as possible, against their in-person whining. You and your mum need to have a serious conversation with your other family members about increasing involvement, even if doing so requires much twisting of arms.
Being one half of a team caring for your relative has drained you emotionally and psychologically: time to take care of you before you can no longer help anyone.
Feel free to memail me. Good luck.
posted by Ashen at 1:03 PM on August 23, 2011 [1 favorite]
In my culture, this means that when a relative is ill, the entire family rallies around them, and there are no martyrs. If someone is ill in a way similar to your relative, uncles and aunties will come over frequently to help - cleaning the house, cooking, etc. This is obviously not your situation unless you come from a culture like mine and live in the West, in which case it looks like your siblings may have taken Western views about individuality to heart. Talk to them either way.
Culture aside, they need to be involved with caring for your relative - how you go about getting them to do that is up to you. Just be sure not to risk the relative's health in the process. When your siblings come over, definitely send their phone numbers to voicemail (some phones have that option to discriminate). Stonewall, as much as possible, against their in-person whining. You and your mum need to have a serious conversation with your other family members about increasing involvement, even if doing so requires much twisting of arms.
Being one half of a team caring for your relative has drained you emotionally and psychologically: time to take care of you before you can no longer help anyone.
Feel free to memail me. Good luck.
posted by Ashen at 1:03 PM on August 23, 2011 [1 favorite]
We tried having an in-home aide, but it didn't work out and my parents/relative do not want to try again.
They're wrong. And the only reason they have the luxury of not trying again is because you're being that aide. Also, if your father isn't helping out, fuck him and fuck his "wants".
The worst part of all of this is I'm growing content. I don't even feel like leaving the house anymore or making new friends/talking to old friends. It's not healthy to be this socially isolated and I'm honestly afraid of what the rest of my life is going to be like.
This sounds like the onset of depression. Get to a good GP, counsellor, or somesuch.
posted by rodgerd at 1:51 PM on August 23, 2011 [2 favorites]
They're wrong. And the only reason they have the luxury of not trying again is because you're being that aide. Also, if your father isn't helping out, fuck him and fuck his "wants".
The worst part of all of this is I'm growing content. I don't even feel like leaving the house anymore or making new friends/talking to old friends. It's not healthy to be this socially isolated and I'm honestly afraid of what the rest of my life is going to be like.
This sounds like the onset of depression. Get to a good GP, counsellor, or somesuch.
posted by rodgerd at 1:51 PM on August 23, 2011 [2 favorites]
I have somewhat been there and done this, though I wasn't the in-home daily caregiver. (And thank god for that, because honestly if I'd stayed home and gone to the JC, I would have been suicidal.) My dad was handicapped for about 9 years, starting my freshman year in college, I lived an hour and a half away from home and went home fairly frequently. My mom is a natural caregiver and has been stuck taking care of relatives for most of her adult life. (Seriously, the last four years where she hasn't been stuck being primary caregiver for someone has been a shocker.)
I hear you on the home health care aides thing. We had one for a brief period of time and he made more money than my mother did, insurance doesn't pay for it and it just wasn't doable. And that was with a reliable guy who became a family friend, not some shiftless jerk. So yeah, folks, it will always boil down to who is living at home has to do the care.
In my experience of being the youngest in caregiver support group by 20-30 years (yeah, nobody your age will understand this or care), it is ALWAYS the closest living relative, probably female, who will be saddled with the responsibility. If you do not want to be a caregiver, you will need to switch schools and move far off. It is almost always ONE person who takes on the work, so the fact that your mom has you is pretty much a bleeding miracle right there.
There's no way to get your other relatives to do it. Why? Because they don't *have* to. You stepped up, so they didn't have to. They don't want to. They don't want to get involved in the hell that is caregiving. They are not good at it. Maybe they don't want to be good at it because then they'd be forced to do it more often, or maybe they are naturally not good at it. (I, for example, am a horrible natural caregiver. I can't pick anybody up and I gross out incredibly easily and I am terrible at understanding garbled speech. Every time I tried it was ugly.) But they are not gonna be an option for you. You know this. The frustration for you is looking at them and their able bodies and free time and thinking, "But they could help..." They're not gonna. It will bring you some peace of mind if you think of them as living in Alaska or something and couldn't help even if they wanted to. It's the expectation and hope that makes you bitter. If you are just resigned to being stuck, then it'll help.
Honestly, I can see you choosing to be content with staying home, because there isn't shit that you can do about it now except wait for your relative to HAVE to go into a hospital/nursing home/die. I know from my experience that there really isn't an escape, and if you tried to escape you'd feel massive evil guilt. I mostly just got really, really numb and stopped caring about shit. I'm not sorry I did that, it helped a lot. It's extremely weird once you stop having to be a caregiver, mind you, and I don't think much of the numb has returned since then in 4 years. But...it's what you have to do to survive.
posted by jenfullmoon at 1:58 PM on August 23, 2011 [2 favorites]
I hear you on the home health care aides thing. We had one for a brief period of time and he made more money than my mother did, insurance doesn't pay for it and it just wasn't doable. And that was with a reliable guy who became a family friend, not some shiftless jerk. So yeah, folks, it will always boil down to who is living at home has to do the care.
In my experience of being the youngest in caregiver support group by 20-30 years (yeah, nobody your age will understand this or care), it is ALWAYS the closest living relative, probably female, who will be saddled with the responsibility. If you do not want to be a caregiver, you will need to switch schools and move far off. It is almost always ONE person who takes on the work, so the fact that your mom has you is pretty much a bleeding miracle right there.
There's no way to get your other relatives to do it. Why? Because they don't *have* to. You stepped up, so they didn't have to. They don't want to. They don't want to get involved in the hell that is caregiving. They are not good at it. Maybe they don't want to be good at it because then they'd be forced to do it more often, or maybe they are naturally not good at it. (I, for example, am a horrible natural caregiver. I can't pick anybody up and I gross out incredibly easily and I am terrible at understanding garbled speech. Every time I tried it was ugly.) But they are not gonna be an option for you. You know this. The frustration for you is looking at them and their able bodies and free time and thinking, "But they could help..." They're not gonna. It will bring you some peace of mind if you think of them as living in Alaska or something and couldn't help even if they wanted to. It's the expectation and hope that makes you bitter. If you are just resigned to being stuck, then it'll help.
Honestly, I can see you choosing to be content with staying home, because there isn't shit that you can do about it now except wait for your relative to HAVE to go into a hospital/nursing home/die. I know from my experience that there really isn't an escape, and if you tried to escape you'd feel massive evil guilt. I mostly just got really, really numb and stopped caring about shit. I'm not sorry I did that, it helped a lot. It's extremely weird once you stop having to be a caregiver, mind you, and I don't think much of the numb has returned since then in 4 years. But...it's what you have to do to survive.
posted by jenfullmoon at 1:58 PM on August 23, 2011 [2 favorites]
I know having an in-home aide can suck at times (sometimes majorly), but there are ways to mitigate this. Perhaps you just needed to find the right person or agency. Perhaps, if there is great potential for abuse, you'd have to make unexpected visits, hide money and count pills after each shift. Perhaps your disabled relative is capable of handling consumer-directed home care (if it's available in your area). Perhaps it's a matter of training the aides better and making your expectations clear from the beginning.
Your disabled relative deserves caregivers who are not bitter about their lot. If they are capable of taking an active role in solving this problem, they should be consulted.
posted by Soliloquy at 2:32 PM on August 23, 2011
Your disabled relative deserves caregivers who are not bitter about their lot. If they are capable of taking an active role in solving this problem, they should be consulted.
posted by Soliloquy at 2:32 PM on August 23, 2011
Culture aside, they need to be involved with caring for your relative - how you go about getting them to do that is up to you.
No, they don't. They didn't volunteer to be the caregivers for a disabled person, and they have no responsibility to do so. Some people are really shitty at dealing with sick people. I've been the primary caregiver for a variety of family members for more than twenty five years. I'm good at it, and I'm the one that everyone comes to when someone gets sick. Resentment comes real easy when you are forced into caring for a dependent adult. Even when you do it willingly out of love, love only goes so far.
OP, you need a break. Your mother needs a break. If that means that you re-examine paid caregivers, then you have to do that. If that means your relative is ultimately placed somewhere for respite care, then that's something else you have to contemplate. If your mother refuses to entertain any of these options, then she's developed a martyr complex and it's not up to you to save her.
posted by crankylex at 3:32 PM on August 23, 2011 [4 favorites]
No, they don't. They didn't volunteer to be the caregivers for a disabled person, and they have no responsibility to do so. Some people are really shitty at dealing with sick people. I've been the primary caregiver for a variety of family members for more than twenty five years. I'm good at it, and I'm the one that everyone comes to when someone gets sick. Resentment comes real easy when you are forced into caring for a dependent adult. Even when you do it willingly out of love, love only goes so far.
OP, you need a break. Your mother needs a break. If that means that you re-examine paid caregivers, then you have to do that. If that means your relative is ultimately placed somewhere for respite care, then that's something else you have to contemplate. If your mother refuses to entertain any of these options, then she's developed a martyr complex and it's not up to you to save her.
posted by crankylex at 3:32 PM on August 23, 2011 [4 favorites]
The poster seems to be speaking from a values position that taking care of a blood relation is a moral imperative. It seems that lots of metafites don't hold that position.
To answer the poster's question, one way to manage this situation is to realize that you are doing something you believe in your heart to be a worthwhile endeavor that you would regret if you did not do. It is a sacrifice to care for another, but it has its rewards in satisfaction, love, and connection. It is why some people choose it as a profession. Could you really pay someone enough to do the jobs really good nurses or social workers do? Those professions are callings. And, there are many people who live fulfilling lives taking care of someothers. It gives their life purpose. If that is your path, if you are committed to taking that role for this relative, and other future relatives who will need care - mother, father, etc., the sooner you are able to embrace that the better. You will have a different life than those like your dad and sibling who depend on people like you to take care of people. Personally taking care of this relative and having the life of freedom you describe are mutually exclusive. You must embrace the fact that you are giving up one life, with benefit and costs, for another life, with different benefits and different costs. If you continue as you have, you will have the satisfaction of maintaining your values. If that is enough to keep you on the path, great. If not, it is time to listen to some of the other posters.
posted by hworth at 4:15 PM on August 23, 2011 [1 favorite]
To answer the poster's question, one way to manage this situation is to realize that you are doing something you believe in your heart to be a worthwhile endeavor that you would regret if you did not do. It is a sacrifice to care for another, but it has its rewards in satisfaction, love, and connection. It is why some people choose it as a profession. Could you really pay someone enough to do the jobs really good nurses or social workers do? Those professions are callings. And, there are many people who live fulfilling lives taking care of someothers. It gives their life purpose. If that is your path, if you are committed to taking that role for this relative, and other future relatives who will need care - mother, father, etc., the sooner you are able to embrace that the better. You will have a different life than those like your dad and sibling who depend on people like you to take care of people. Personally taking care of this relative and having the life of freedom you describe are mutually exclusive. You must embrace the fact that you are giving up one life, with benefit and costs, for another life, with different benefits and different costs. If you continue as you have, you will have the satisfaction of maintaining your values. If that is enough to keep you on the path, great. If not, it is time to listen to some of the other posters.
posted by hworth at 4:15 PM on August 23, 2011 [1 favorite]
The poster seems to be speaking from a values position that taking care of a blood relation is a moral imperative. It seems that lots of metafites don't hold that position.
It's possible to believe that taking care of a blood relation is a moral imperative and:
The way I (and probably others here) differ from certain cultural traditions around caring for aging family members is this: I think it's ok to compromise on the elderly person's preferences in order to maintain the sanity of younger caretakers. I think it's ok to make it possible for the caretaker to have time off, even if the elderly relative would prefer only family and no in-home aides. It's not about not having a value of taking care of relatives. It's about having a value of taking care of yourself at the same time.
posted by Meg_Murry at 4:43 PM on August 23, 2011 [5 favorites]
It's possible to believe that taking care of a blood relation is a moral imperative and:
- Find a really great nursing home for your relative when you can't provide all of the care she needs.
- Hire an in-home health aide to assist in caring for your relative at home.
- Take time and resources for yourself, do things you enjoy, and not feel guilty about it.
The way I (and probably others here) differ from certain cultural traditions around caring for aging family members is this: I think it's ok to compromise on the elderly person's preferences in order to maintain the sanity of younger caretakers. I think it's ok to make it possible for the caretaker to have time off, even if the elderly relative would prefer only family and no in-home aides. It's not about not having a value of taking care of relatives. It's about having a value of taking care of yourself at the same time.
posted by Meg_Murry at 4:43 PM on August 23, 2011 [5 favorites]
I don't understand why I am the only one with any sense of responsibility. Other relatives couldn't care less about the disabled relative - they visit or call once every year to beg for money. My sibling and dad are useless. My mother has it way worse than me - she cared for her husband's sick relatives, then had children to care for, now has this relative to care for. She has never travelled or had free time, and has always been responsible for someone's well being. I feel very guilt about that even though I know it isn't my fault.
Here are the rules of being a martyr:
I am the only one who cares. Everyone else is heartless and selfish.
I am the only one who's competent. Everyone else is clueless. No one can do what I do.
I am the only one who's responsible. Everyone else is feckless and childish. I have to do this because no one else will.
I am my sacrifices. Without them I will melt away into a sloppy goo of nothingness.
Bitterness is my lot, my right, my pleasure because everyone else is heartless, selfish, clueless, feckless, childish, and incompetent.
So, dear anon, this is my take. You're mom has done an excellent job of passing her martyrdom on to you. She made sacrifices to care for others and you feel guilty. So you start sacrificing because you feel guilty. Now you feel bitter because you're sacrificing - because no one else cares like you and mom, is competent like you and mom, is responsible like you and mom blah blah blah.
There's a nice righteous rush that comes with bitterness - that's why it comes with being a martyr. If you want to loose the bitterness you need to loose the martyr. The bitterness you feel towards your siblings isn't fair. They've chosen to have a life. There is no reason why you can't also choose to have a life.
Stop sacrificing. Get involved with school stuff, make study dates with others, call your old friends. Make plans. Keep them. Fuck, lie about plans if you have to just to carve out time for yourself. Give mom notice that she will have to find alternative care for this relative. Trying a home health aid once or twice simply is not good enough. She will have to keep trying until she finds someone because she choose to let this relative into her home, not you. Sure, help out...just less. Hopefully your mom will soon notice that she needs help and will start marshaling her own resources to get it.
Please do this now. See a counselor at school if you have to. In your life you are already seeing the logic of this arrangement play out. You've given so much that you no longer have a life, you've almost stopped wanting a life and since you don't have a life and are no longer sure you want one, there's no good reason why you can't keep giving. Right?
posted by space_cookie at 5:16 PM on August 23, 2011 [7 favorites]
Here are the rules of being a martyr:
I am the only one who cares. Everyone else is heartless and selfish.
I am the only one who's competent. Everyone else is clueless. No one can do what I do.
I am the only one who's responsible. Everyone else is feckless and childish. I have to do this because no one else will.
I am my sacrifices. Without them I will melt away into a sloppy goo of nothingness.
Bitterness is my lot, my right, my pleasure because everyone else is heartless, selfish, clueless, feckless, childish, and incompetent.
So, dear anon, this is my take. You're mom has done an excellent job of passing her martyrdom on to you. She made sacrifices to care for others and you feel guilty. So you start sacrificing because you feel guilty. Now you feel bitter because you're sacrificing - because no one else cares like you and mom, is competent like you and mom, is responsible like you and mom blah blah blah.
There's a nice righteous rush that comes with bitterness - that's why it comes with being a martyr. If you want to loose the bitterness you need to loose the martyr. The bitterness you feel towards your siblings isn't fair. They've chosen to have a life. There is no reason why you can't also choose to have a life.
Stop sacrificing. Get involved with school stuff, make study dates with others, call your old friends. Make plans. Keep them. Fuck, lie about plans if you have to just to carve out time for yourself. Give mom notice that she will have to find alternative care for this relative. Trying a home health aid once or twice simply is not good enough. She will have to keep trying until she finds someone because she choose to let this relative into her home, not you. Sure, help out...just less. Hopefully your mom will soon notice that she needs help and will start marshaling her own resources to get it.
Please do this now. See a counselor at school if you have to. In your life you are already seeing the logic of this arrangement play out. You've given so much that you no longer have a life, you've almost stopped wanting a life and since you don't have a life and are no longer sure you want one, there's no good reason why you can't keep giving. Right?
posted by space_cookie at 5:16 PM on August 23, 2011 [7 favorites]
The first four health aids my grandpa tried out were a total bust and it looked like everything was going to fall on my aunt's shoulders. The siblings persevered and now my grandpa has an aid that he likes and who likes him. You can find good help and you and your mom can have a life. Try again. You can be a good caretaker without being there all the time.
posted by Foam Pants at 5:50 PM on August 23, 2011
posted by Foam Pants at 5:50 PM on August 23, 2011
So what if your sibling keeps calling you asking when you are coming home? Don't allow sibling's whining to rain on your outing.
"So nothing's happened? No, we don't know when we're coming home. Bye now."
Quit putting everyone else's welfare above your own!
posted by Neekee at 6:46 PM on August 23, 2011
"So nothing's happened? No, we don't know when we're coming home. Bye now."
Quit putting everyone else's welfare above your own!
posted by Neekee at 6:46 PM on August 23, 2011
I feel like my earlier comment was overly harsh (probably because of my own unresolved issues with my own family), and I wanted to clarify that I certainly don't think anybody sets out to "martyr themselves" with malice aforethought. The caretaking they are doing is real and wonderful and admirable in so many ways, and I am sure that your relative appreciates all the help and love you all give them. I really can't understate that - what you are doing is really incredible, and not many people could do it.
I just meant that I have seen people suffering from depression attach very strongly to the idea of Being The Responsible Caretaker, and in my experience, over time that depression tends to warp your own perception of your own virtues ("I am a wonderful caretaker! Yay me!") into a grudging sense of responsibility and resentment of everyone else ("My sister is a terrible caretaker! Boo her!"). Depression is so sneaky; it can turn your own mind against you. It can make you hate other people for not having your strengths, even while you simultaneously refuse to acknowledge having those strengths in the first place. That's the really self-defeating and isolating part you should make sure to avoid if at all possible, and you should definitely make sure your mom isn't passing these distorted thought patterns down to you (ask me how I know).
The reason that many people here are exhorting you to take care of yourself first is that this time in your life is basically designated for figuring out what kind of person you want to become as an adult. It's not any one decision, but you definitely start yourself out on a path. If you want to become a caretaker, that's wonderful! This is a great path for you to be on, and the world desperately needs more skilled, sensitive people who want to help others. But if you're not sure, and you actively dislike and resent being in this role, and you don't even want to have friends anymore because the situation drains you so much, it might be time to tell yourself that you've done your part for as long as was sustainable, and that now you need to put more of your focus on taking care of yourself. It isn't at all selfish to step back from this situation enough to establish friends that you can rely on for emotional support through these difficult times, or to develop your academic career so you can get a good job and care for your family in other ways. Anyway, best of luck to you and your family, and I really hope things improve for you soon.
posted by dialetheia at 9:28 PM on August 23, 2011 [2 favorites]
I just meant that I have seen people suffering from depression attach very strongly to the idea of Being The Responsible Caretaker, and in my experience, over time that depression tends to warp your own perception of your own virtues ("I am a wonderful caretaker! Yay me!") into a grudging sense of responsibility and resentment of everyone else ("My sister is a terrible caretaker! Boo her!"). Depression is so sneaky; it can turn your own mind against you. It can make you hate other people for not having your strengths, even while you simultaneously refuse to acknowledge having those strengths in the first place. That's the really self-defeating and isolating part you should make sure to avoid if at all possible, and you should definitely make sure your mom isn't passing these distorted thought patterns down to you (ask me how I know).
The reason that many people here are exhorting you to take care of yourself first is that this time in your life is basically designated for figuring out what kind of person you want to become as an adult. It's not any one decision, but you definitely start yourself out on a path. If you want to become a caretaker, that's wonderful! This is a great path for you to be on, and the world desperately needs more skilled, sensitive people who want to help others. But if you're not sure, and you actively dislike and resent being in this role, and you don't even want to have friends anymore because the situation drains you so much, it might be time to tell yourself that you've done your part for as long as was sustainable, and that now you need to put more of your focus on taking care of yourself. It isn't at all selfish to step back from this situation enough to establish friends that you can rely on for emotional support through these difficult times, or to develop your academic career so you can get a good job and care for your family in other ways. Anyway, best of luck to you and your family, and I really hope things improve for you soon.
posted by dialetheia at 9:28 PM on August 23, 2011 [2 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
I realize you feel an obligation to both your mom and this relative, but you must make a choice. Your choice is to a) stay and suck it up knowing full well your sibling, your father and other relatives are not going to be of any help or b) have a frank discussion with your mother about being at the end of your rope and not able to cope with caring for this relative any longer.
I realize you would feel very guilty choosing (b), but you have to look out for yourself first and foremost. If the responsibility of caring for the relative is affecting your life this seriously, don't ignore it. You sound like you're suffering from depression, largely situational because of this living and caregiving arrangement.
If your parents and ill relative wish not to go the route of hiring an in-home aid or placing your relative in an assisted living environment, that is their choice. But the onus should NOT fall 50% on you because of THEIR decision. That is simply unfair.
I have a feeling you're one of those people (much like me) who want to please, and want peace and will bend over backwards for other people to the point where you neglect your own needs. And people take advantage of people like you because they know they can. They probably aren't even aware of the toll this is taking on you.
My advice is to stand up for yourself right now and put the responsibility back where it belongs -- on the persons who decided to care for this relative in the first place, as difficult as that may be.
posted by Falwless at 10:36 AM on August 23, 2011 [14 favorites]