Help me be a good friend to a grieving family in need, please.
August 23, 2011 7:56 AM Subscribe
A friend is about to pass away. Please help me be as supportive and helpful as possible for her husband and young daughter during the next few months.
A very dear friend of mine is about to lose a long battle with cancer within the next few days. Her husband is one of my oldest friends and has been her sole caregiver for a number of years now. She is leaving behind a young daughter.
Other than simply being present -- checking in on them frequently, keeping them company and perhaps bringing them food, I'd like to do more to help in the short and long term. But I don't know how.
If you lost a spouse or a parent at a young age, what helped you get through it? How did your family, friends, loved ones support you? My wife and I are particularly worried about their daughter. What can we do for her?
I would be grateful if you would share your wisdom, experiences and suggestions.
A very dear friend of mine is about to lose a long battle with cancer within the next few days. Her husband is one of my oldest friends and has been her sole caregiver for a number of years now. She is leaving behind a young daughter.
Other than simply being present -- checking in on them frequently, keeping them company and perhaps bringing them food, I'd like to do more to help in the short and long term. But I don't know how.
If you lost a spouse or a parent at a young age, what helped you get through it? How did your family, friends, loved ones support you? My wife and I are particularly worried about their daughter. What can we do for her?
I would be grateful if you would share your wisdom, experiences and suggestions.
Having someone who wasn't afraid to talk about death or disease helped me when we found out my mom had cancer, although she is still alive. Some well-meaning people would try to skirt around words like "cancer," "death," etc but what I appreciated most was one friend who would ask straightforward questions like "Are you scared that your mom has cancer?" Giving me space when I wanted to be alone and then a balance of giving me hugs when I came out of my room/ having "normal" conversations and activities helped, too.
From someone who will need it from someone in the future, thanks for being a great friend.
posted by thewestinggame at 8:07 AM on August 23, 2011 [4 favorites]
From someone who will need it from someone in the future, thanks for being a great friend.
posted by thewestinggame at 8:07 AM on August 23, 2011 [4 favorites]
is about to lose a long battle with cancer
It's a small thing, but try to avoid that phrase.
But, basically just do what you said. Be there. Be there often. Bring them food; offer to babysit their daughter, or drive her places (ie. school, sports practices, etc).
Don't ask them "Can I help you?" -- instead, ask "What do you need?" It's more direct, and you're more likely to actually figure out what your friend needs.
Thewestinggame's suggestion is a great one, and ties back into my original point -- be sensitive, but don't skirt around certain words or topics (odds are that they're going to be more difficult for you than for your friend or his daughter).
Call your friend up, and offer to do things together -- propose a trip to the movies, spending a long weekend at the beach, or just watch some TV together.
Oh, and the important thing is that you can continue to be supportive beyond the next month or so. Right now, your friend's family, friends and neighbors are all going to be supportive, and willing to chip in, although that will begin to diminish over time. Unfortunately, the healing process isn't quite so quick, and you should do your best to keep an eye out for your friend for however long it takes him to get back on his feet.
posted by schmod at 8:12 AM on August 23, 2011 [5 favorites]
It's a small thing, but try to avoid that phrase.
But, basically just do what you said. Be there. Be there often. Bring them food; offer to babysit their daughter, or drive her places (ie. school, sports practices, etc).
Don't ask them "Can I help you?" -- instead, ask "What do you need?" It's more direct, and you're more likely to actually figure out what your friend needs.
Thewestinggame's suggestion is a great one, and ties back into my original point -- be sensitive, but don't skirt around certain words or topics (odds are that they're going to be more difficult for you than for your friend or his daughter).
Call your friend up, and offer to do things together -- propose a trip to the movies, spending a long weekend at the beach, or just watch some TV together.
Oh, and the important thing is that you can continue to be supportive beyond the next month or so. Right now, your friend's family, friends and neighbors are all going to be supportive, and willing to chip in, although that will begin to diminish over time. Unfortunately, the healing process isn't quite so quick, and you should do your best to keep an eye out for your friend for however long it takes him to get back on his feet.
posted by schmod at 8:12 AM on August 23, 2011 [5 favorites]
zarq, this is a sad situation. I'm so sorry. Good on you for being a good friend.
How young is the daughter? Are you physically close enough to the family to take the daughter out for the day? (That is, if there aren't issues that complicate a separation.) When my MIL was terminally ill, and I was spending most of my time with her, having a babysitter was a godsend because I knew my kids were safe and entertained, and I could offload a lot of the physical/emotional work of parenting for a few hours at a time and concentrate on the situation. That really, really helped.
Also, I hope you will prepare stories about your friend, paired with pictures if possible, that you can give her daughter when she is old enough to want to hear about what her mother was like.
Again, I'm sorry for your loss.
posted by MonkeyToes at 8:16 AM on August 23, 2011 [2 favorites]
How young is the daughter? Are you physically close enough to the family to take the daughter out for the day? (That is, if there aren't issues that complicate a separation.) When my MIL was terminally ill, and I was spending most of my time with her, having a babysitter was a godsend because I knew my kids were safe and entertained, and I could offload a lot of the physical/emotional work of parenting for a few hours at a time and concentrate on the situation. That really, really helped.
Also, I hope you will prepare stories about your friend, paired with pictures if possible, that you can give her daughter when she is old enough to want to hear about what her mother was like.
Again, I'm sorry for your loss.
posted by MonkeyToes at 8:16 AM on August 23, 2011 [2 favorites]
Also, you don't say what kind of cancer this is, but please avoid anything that looks or smells like "pink washing," whether this is breast cancer or not.
Her daughter is likely going to have some long term, well, mommy issues. And that's normal for every daughter. Since it sounds like you're in this for the long haul, maybe get your hands on a copy of the books "Motherless Daughters" and "My Mother, Myself." They'll give you some insight into the grieving process of this little girl. Of course, she'll be an individual, but there will be a lot of patterns. Having someone who just knows she'll get through this will be invaluable to her.
Also, follow their lead on sharing memories. If you have pictures of her, them as a couple or a family, collect them now. Though it may not be the right time to pass these along, have them ready.
As for the daughter, maybe she likes coloring books, maybe she likes to read, maybe she really enjoys music. Sit with her while she does the things she likes. Take her to places she loves if she feels like going. Let her be sulky and petulant. Let her blame you, the world, god, her mother, her father, for the things that suck. Let her be angry, in addition to letting her be happy. There will be plenty of people pushing her that "it's ok to be sad" which she may not be ready for. There will be plenty of other people, in a month or a year or a decade wondering why she hasn't "gotten over it."
posted by bilabial at 8:20 AM on August 23, 2011 [1 favorite]
Her daughter is likely going to have some long term, well, mommy issues. And that's normal for every daughter. Since it sounds like you're in this for the long haul, maybe get your hands on a copy of the books "Motherless Daughters" and "My Mother, Myself." They'll give you some insight into the grieving process of this little girl. Of course, she'll be an individual, but there will be a lot of patterns. Having someone who just knows she'll get through this will be invaluable to her.
Also, follow their lead on sharing memories. If you have pictures of her, them as a couple or a family, collect them now. Though it may not be the right time to pass these along, have them ready.
As for the daughter, maybe she likes coloring books, maybe she likes to read, maybe she really enjoys music. Sit with her while she does the things she likes. Take her to places she loves if she feels like going. Let her be sulky and petulant. Let her blame you, the world, god, her mother, her father, for the things that suck. Let her be angry, in addition to letting her be happy. There will be plenty of people pushing her that "it's ok to be sad" which she may not be ready for. There will be plenty of other people, in a month or a year or a decade wondering why she hasn't "gotten over it."
posted by bilabial at 8:20 AM on August 23, 2011 [1 favorite]
Echoing schmod, I can't emphasize enough not asking them, "what can I do?" but proposing something. Anything.
For instance, "Can I bring over some lunch?" allows your friend to not have to think about what he needs - and if he doesn't need lunch but needs something else, it is much more likely to spark the part of his brain that remembers that he needs shampoo or whatever else.
tl;dr: "I'm going to the market, can I bring you some milk and cereal?" > "What can I bring you?"
posted by Sophie1 at 8:25 AM on August 23, 2011 [1 favorite]
For instance, "Can I bring over some lunch?" allows your friend to not have to think about what he needs - and if he doesn't need lunch but needs something else, it is much more likely to spark the part of his brain that remembers that he needs shampoo or whatever else.
tl;dr: "I'm going to the market, can I bring you some milk and cereal?" > "What can I bring you?"
posted by Sophie1 at 8:25 AM on August 23, 2011 [1 favorite]
I think being there in the long term is really important. When dad died (I was 8, my sisters were 6 and 2) there were lots of people around helping or trying to help right after. (Ye gods the casseroles.)
But it was in the months and years that followed that I think mom could've used more help putting herself back together, getting time to herself, figuring out her finances, etc. -- really, all the mundane single-parent stuff. I'm always grateful to the woman across the street who often took care of us after school, my uncle the mechanic, for helping mom with car shopping, and mom's parents, for just always being around to pick us up from school stuff, or take the whole family for a day at the museum -- whatever. (I think they may have given some financial support as well, but I'm not 100% sure.)
posted by epersonae at 8:27 AM on August 23, 2011 [2 favorites]
But it was in the months and years that followed that I think mom could've used more help putting herself back together, getting time to herself, figuring out her finances, etc. -- really, all the mundane single-parent stuff. I'm always grateful to the woman across the street who often took care of us after school, my uncle the mechanic, for helping mom with car shopping, and mom's parents, for just always being around to pick us up from school stuff, or take the whole family for a day at the museum -- whatever. (I think they may have given some financial support as well, but I'm not 100% sure.)
posted by epersonae at 8:27 AM on August 23, 2011 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: schmod: " It's a small thing, but try to avoid that phrase."
OK. Thank you. That's quite helpful and good to know.
bilabial: "Also, you don't say what kind of cancer this is, but please avoid anything that looks or smells like "pink washing," whether this is breast cancer or not. "
Ovarian. I'm sorry, but I'm not really sure what 'pink washing' is. Could you please explain?
MonkeyToes: "How young is the daughter? "
She's seven.
posted by zarq at 8:27 AM on August 23, 2011
OK. Thank you. That's quite helpful and good to know.
bilabial: "Also, you don't say what kind of cancer this is, but please avoid anything that looks or smells like "pink washing," whether this is breast cancer or not. "
Ovarian. I'm sorry, but I'm not really sure what 'pink washing' is. Could you please explain?
MonkeyToes: "How young is the daughter? "
She's seven.
posted by zarq at 8:27 AM on August 23, 2011
I'm sure bilabial can come and explain but I think the term pink-washing refers to the infantilizing of patients with breast cancer with lots of pink cutesiness. Barbara Ehrenreich did a great job explaining here in her essay Welcome to Cancerland.
posted by peacheater at 8:35 AM on August 23, 2011 [3 favorites]
posted by peacheater at 8:35 AM on August 23, 2011 [3 favorites]
Response by poster: peacheater: "I'm sure bilabial can come and explain but I think the term pink-washing refers to the infantilizing of patients with breast cancer with lots of pink cutesiness. Barbara Ehrenreich did a great job explaining here in her essay Welcome to Cancerland."
Oh, I see. Ok, that's definitely not a problem. Good advice, though. Thank you, bilabial. And thank you, peacheater for explaining.
posted by zarq at 8:53 AM on August 23, 2011
Oh, I see. Ok, that's definitely not a problem. Good advice, though. Thank you, bilabial. And thank you, peacheater for explaining.
posted by zarq at 8:53 AM on August 23, 2011
I recently went through a situation where I almost died.
*As you said - food was helpful. Not having to worry about what to make for dinner because I already had something on hand was helpful. If someone came to my door dropped off food, rang the doorbell and left because they didn't call ahead and didn't want to bother us I would have been fine with that.
*Time alone with my husband. I cherished the lunches we took together alone without my son to talk in private about the situation we faced.
*Small toys for my son. He is 2, but enjoyed others thinking about him.
*Strength. I was annoyed with loved ones and their lack of strength. I was the one facing death - not them. Regardless they felt the need to talk to me about their feelings and how worried they were. Really? Yes...really. They felt the need to tell me how much they were going to suffer should I have left them. YMMV of course.
posted by BuffaloChickenWing at 8:53 AM on August 23, 2011 [1 favorite]
*As you said - food was helpful. Not having to worry about what to make for dinner because I already had something on hand was helpful. If someone came to my door dropped off food, rang the doorbell and left because they didn't call ahead and didn't want to bother us I would have been fine with that.
*Time alone with my husband. I cherished the lunches we took together alone without my son to talk in private about the situation we faced.
*Small toys for my son. He is 2, but enjoyed others thinking about him.
*Strength. I was annoyed with loved ones and their lack of strength. I was the one facing death - not them. Regardless they felt the need to talk to me about their feelings and how worried they were. Really? Yes...really. They felt the need to tell me how much they were going to suffer should I have left them. YMMV of course.
posted by BuffaloChickenWing at 8:53 AM on August 23, 2011 [1 favorite]
Echoing schmod, I can't emphasize enough not asking them, "what can I do?" but proposing something. Anything.
Agreed. And not just in terms of bringing them food or doing certain tasks for them -- it may be a good idea to involve the girl in one of your day activities, a little trip somewhere, to give the husband some time to himself to get shit done, or just not have to put on a performance for someone else for a few hours.
Obviously, this would depend on the people involved -- they may want to draw in closer, and you would have to be attuned to that. But it may also be that they've been with each other for weeks and weeks now in this horrible set of circumstances, and a bit of a break from each other or from that grind may be a very welcome thing, even if no-one would ever dream of asking it for themselves.
posted by Capt. Renault at 8:57 AM on August 23, 2011 [1 favorite]
Agreed. And not just in terms of bringing them food or doing certain tasks for them -- it may be a good idea to involve the girl in one of your day activities, a little trip somewhere, to give the husband some time to himself to get shit done, or just not have to put on a performance for someone else for a few hours.
Obviously, this would depend on the people involved -- they may want to draw in closer, and you would have to be attuned to that. But it may also be that they've been with each other for weeks and weeks now in this horrible set of circumstances, and a bit of a break from each other or from that grind may be a very welcome thing, even if no-one would ever dream of asking it for themselves.
posted by Capt. Renault at 8:57 AM on August 23, 2011 [1 favorite]
I'm sorry, but I'm not really sure what 'pink washing' is. Could you please explain?
"Pink washing" is a term coined by those who are discomfited by the efforts corporations have adopted in order to appear that they are jumping on the "fight breast cancer" bandwagon. Several people are skeptical of the sincerity of these efforts, feeling that it's more of a marketing effort ("hey, if we paint Widget XT739 pink, we can market it as the 'fight breast cancer' model and it'll probably sell a few more thousand units"). Others believe that some of the corporations who engage in these campaigns are actually selling products or engaging in practices that cause increased rates of cancer themselves.
Not sure how you'd parse that advice, though, as I'm not sure whether you'd had any plans to get the daughter a pink teddy bear or anything.
As to the matter at hand -- I can't even begin to compare my own first-hand experience with loss to your friend's (he's losing a wife -- I only lost a cat), but what helped me in that instance was having a short-list of friends who I knew would absolutely drop whatever they were doing and come running if they got a call from me saying "I need you now". That alone was a tremendous comfort.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 9:00 AM on August 23, 2011 [1 favorite]
"Pink washing" is a term coined by those who are discomfited by the efforts corporations have adopted in order to appear that they are jumping on the "fight breast cancer" bandwagon. Several people are skeptical of the sincerity of these efforts, feeling that it's more of a marketing effort ("hey, if we paint Widget XT739 pink, we can market it as the 'fight breast cancer' model and it'll probably sell a few more thousand units"). Others believe that some of the corporations who engage in these campaigns are actually selling products or engaging in practices that cause increased rates of cancer themselves.
Not sure how you'd parse that advice, though, as I'm not sure whether you'd had any plans to get the daughter a pink teddy bear or anything.
As to the matter at hand -- I can't even begin to compare my own first-hand experience with loss to your friend's (he's losing a wife -- I only lost a cat), but what helped me in that instance was having a short-list of friends who I knew would absolutely drop whatever they were doing and come running if they got a call from me saying "I need you now". That alone was a tremendous comfort.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 9:00 AM on August 23, 2011 [1 favorite]
There now, a little more than a year after the loss of my friend. I'm not very geographically close to her family, so I manage to get over every few months or so to spend a bit of time with her husband and daughters, who are a bit younger than your friends' daughter. They have a good support network locally, so there isn't a lot that they need in terms of childcare or anything like that, but I think my friend's husband just really appreciates company, at this point. I do check in with him from time to time about whether there's anything he needs, but mostly he just likes to have visitors.
Things my friends and I have done with her girls in mind included a scrapbook of pictures of their mother, emphasizing all the things she did and the friends she had. She won't be there to tell them herself about what she was like before she got married and had kids, but we hope the scrapbook helps give them a sense of her. We're trying to share some of her interests with her girls, too, like taking them to the theater - not that her husband won't, but because it's something we can help build a connection with them around (hopefully) while giving their dad a bit of break.
I don't know that I have any advice to give - the whole process of supporting my friend and her family through her illness and death has largely been about patience and acceptance and trying really hard not to project my own emotions on to anyone else. Remember to take care of yourself, too. I'm sorry for your friend's loss, and yours.
posted by EvaDestruction at 9:11 AM on August 23, 2011 [2 favorites]
Things my friends and I have done with her girls in mind included a scrapbook of pictures of their mother, emphasizing all the things she did and the friends she had. She won't be there to tell them herself about what she was like before she got married and had kids, but we hope the scrapbook helps give them a sense of her. We're trying to share some of her interests with her girls, too, like taking them to the theater - not that her husband won't, but because it's something we can help build a connection with them around (hopefully) while giving their dad a bit of break.
I don't know that I have any advice to give - the whole process of supporting my friend and her family through her illness and death has largely been about patience and acceptance and trying really hard not to project my own emotions on to anyone else. Remember to take care of yourself, too. I'm sorry for your friend's loss, and yours.
posted by EvaDestruction at 9:11 AM on August 23, 2011 [2 favorites]
"Tear Soup" is a frequently recommended book for grieving children.
posted by MonkeyToes at 9:45 AM on August 23, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by MonkeyToes at 9:45 AM on August 23, 2011 [1 favorite]
One of the worst things when my father died was everyone trying to make me feel better. People were constantly taking me out to lunch and dinner, telling me stories, bringing over movies and snacks. There was a frantic energy to it-not wanting to leave me alone, not wanting me to have "downtime" lest I fall into despair. Basically, they were trying to soften the blow, but as a result I felt like I couldn't share my grief with them. (What makes this scenario stranger is that I actually recovered from my father's death quite well so I'm not sure why there was this huge concern I might fall apart.) When my friend's mother died suddenly, I was the one he called because he knew I would just be there and let him decide what he needed. If he wanted to go out to dinner OK, if he wanted to sit and tell stories OK, if he wanted to curl up on the couch and not talk it was OK. He knew I wouldn't judge him no matter what he said he needed. People have individual grieving processes. There may be times when, like EC said, they might need you as a shoulder to lean on NOW and there may be times when they pull away and just need to be alone. It's important to respect both. Just listen, and yes, offer comfort (food, company, running errands etc) but don't be offended if the offer is rebuffed.
posted by miss-lapin at 10:06 AM on August 23, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by miss-lapin at 10:06 AM on August 23, 2011 [1 favorite]
My mother died when I was ten - she had been ill for some time, but her death was still a surprise to me, and I believe to my brother. I am not sure whether my parents kept her prognosis from me and my brother deliberately or whether I just didn't comprehend it. Afterwards I had many friends and relatives who gave me space to grieve and told me they'd be there if I ever wanted to talk - but I did not seek them out, because I was depressed and sullen and confused.
I very much wish that someone had taken the time to explain to me what going to happen. It may not have helped with the grieving process, but it might have better prepared me to talk about it later. I wish that my family had put me into therapy and that the pictures of my mom hadn't disappeared from the house, and that the topic of my mom hadn't disappeared from family conversation.
Everybody is different, of course. I believe that the lessons I learned during this period of time - it's upsetting to talk about death, everyone would prefer to be quiet - have affected me very strongly, as well as affecting my relationships with my remaining family members.
Something as simple as mentioning her mother in conversation - "Oh, look at that restaurant we just drove by, your mother liked the minestrone soup there." - might be helpful, or at least it would have been to me.
posted by treefort at 10:35 AM on August 23, 2011 [1 favorite]
I very much wish that someone had taken the time to explain to me what going to happen. It may not have helped with the grieving process, but it might have better prepared me to talk about it later. I wish that my family had put me into therapy and that the pictures of my mom hadn't disappeared from the house, and that the topic of my mom hadn't disappeared from family conversation.
Everybody is different, of course. I believe that the lessons I learned during this period of time - it's upsetting to talk about death, everyone would prefer to be quiet - have affected me very strongly, as well as affecting my relationships with my remaining family members.
Something as simple as mentioning her mother in conversation - "Oh, look at that restaurant we just drove by, your mother liked the minestrone soup there." - might be helpful, or at least it would have been to me.
posted by treefort at 10:35 AM on August 23, 2011 [1 favorite]
Not exactly your situation but some things may be relevant.
posted by peacheater at 11:28 AM on August 23, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by peacheater at 11:28 AM on August 23, 2011 [1 favorite]
Some practical ideas: Is the child about to start the school year? If so, perhaps you and/or your wife could take her shopping for whatever she needs in terms of clothes and school supplies. Does she bring her lunches to school? If so, you could help by stocking up on non-perishable things for her lunches, like juice boxes, granola bars.
Plan some weekly low-key time with the child, like a trip to the library. It might be helpful for her to know that she will see you guys on a regular basis.
I spend a lot of time with a 6 yr old girl and we have discussions about people being "sort-of" family: she understands that she has some "sort-of" aunts and uncles who love her very much. If your friend's child does not have "real" relatives nearby let her know that you are her like relatives.
Your friend may not know when or how to ask for help. Just keep letting him know that you're there for him.
posted by mareli at 2:24 PM on August 23, 2011 [1 favorite]
Plan some weekly low-key time with the child, like a trip to the library. It might be helpful for her to know that she will see you guys on a regular basis.
I spend a lot of time with a 6 yr old girl and we have discussions about people being "sort-of" family: she understands that she has some "sort-of" aunts and uncles who love her very much. If your friend's child does not have "real" relatives nearby let her know that you are her like relatives.
Your friend may not know when or how to ask for help. Just keep letting him know that you're there for him.
posted by mareli at 2:24 PM on August 23, 2011 [1 favorite]
The husband of a friend of mine died recently. She said a couple of things that might help here:
- I think I'm going to scream if one more person says, "I'm here for you, call me if you need anything at all." I don't know what I need, I just know that I hurt and have more on my plate than I feel able to handle. People aren't helping when they obligate me to an action when I'm barely able to function.
- The gesture that meant the most to me was arriving home, exhausted after a day making arrangements at the lawyer's office and the mortuary, to find a homemade dinner from my neighbor in a sealed Tupperware container, ready for the microwave, on my front doorstep. I wasn't hungry, and I never would have prepared anything myself, but I hadn't eaten all day, and I knew I needed some nourishment. She gave without asking anything in return. I was so grateful .
- The pain is compounded by insult when people tell me that they know how I feel. I know that they're trying to say that loss is part of life, but my visceral reaction is, no, you don't know. This is my loss, not yours.
posted by Short Attention Sp at 4:45 PM on August 23, 2011 [1 favorite]
- I think I'm going to scream if one more person says, "I'm here for you, call me if you need anything at all." I don't know what I need, I just know that I hurt and have more on my plate than I feel able to handle. People aren't helping when they obligate me to an action when I'm barely able to function.
- The gesture that meant the most to me was arriving home, exhausted after a day making arrangements at the lawyer's office and the mortuary, to find a homemade dinner from my neighbor in a sealed Tupperware container, ready for the microwave, on my front doorstep. I wasn't hungry, and I never would have prepared anything myself, but I hadn't eaten all day, and I knew I needed some nourishment. She gave without asking anything in return. I was so grateful .
- The pain is compounded by insult when people tell me that they know how I feel. I know that they're trying to say that loss is part of life, but my visceral reaction is, no, you don't know. This is my loss, not yours.
posted by Short Attention Sp at 4:45 PM on August 23, 2011 [1 favorite]
Piggybacking off mareli's comment--where I am, I'm getting ready to do seasonal clothing turnover. It's a dumb but necessary task. Does the little girl have clothing ready for the coming months? Does she need to shop for winter coat/accessories? Does she have snowboots?
Scrub the bathroom. Really. I doubt very much that your friend is thinking about toilets.
Frozen meals. Packaged snacks. Any sort of food that doesn't require more than peeling, opening and/or putting into the oven/microwave.
posted by MonkeyToes at 5:28 PM on August 23, 2011 [1 favorite]
Scrub the bathroom. Really. I doubt very much that your friend is thinking about toilets.
Frozen meals. Packaged snacks. Any sort of food that doesn't require more than peeling, opening and/or putting into the oven/microwave.
posted by MonkeyToes at 5:28 PM on August 23, 2011 [1 favorite]
Housecleaning.
When my aunt recently died of cancer, my uncle left everything in the fridge to rot - all the food was well-intentioned but he wasn't eating much and didn't have the heart to throw anything out.
If you can take the little girl out/have someone watch her and let her have a friend over, if even for a little while so she can feel normal that would be great.
And just listen a lot. And talk about everything, but let them be sad.
When my aunt actually passed, my cousin arranged a short private time for each of the family member, his brother and his father so they could say whatever they wanted to say to her. It was really special. They might not have the presence of mind to think about that at the end.
You are a good friend and I wish you and your friends all the best through thiis difficult time.
posted by guster4lovers at 9:05 PM on August 23, 2011 [1 favorite]
When my aunt recently died of cancer, my uncle left everything in the fridge to rot - all the food was well-intentioned but he wasn't eating much and didn't have the heart to throw anything out.
If you can take the little girl out/have someone watch her and let her have a friend over, if even for a little while so she can feel normal that would be great.
And just listen a lot. And talk about everything, but let them be sad.
When my aunt actually passed, my cousin arranged a short private time for each of the family member, his brother and his father so they could say whatever they wanted to say to her. It was really special. They might not have the presence of mind to think about that at the end.
You are a good friend and I wish you and your friends all the best through thiis difficult time.
posted by guster4lovers at 9:05 PM on August 23, 2011 [1 favorite]
My Father died when I was 7. What helped me? We circled the wagons, as a little family. Those of us still on the good side of the dirt and lawn. That feeling of "its us against the hard world" got me through the first year, I guess.
One thing that kind of surprised me was, the pressure from society to be all like over it, and not be grieving, after just a few weeks or months. Anyone who acknowledged that grief, and its reality, was a great help, especially if they could also treat me as a normal kid. A lot of people seemed just terrified of us, like they didn't know what might be offensive to say or do.
But, I think distracting children that age can be effective and healing. A kindness that I remember was, our relatives in Toronto invited us up for Christmas, about 2 months after Dad died. The excitement and adventure of a trip out of the country helped keep me me from brooding too much. I was only a little kid, I needed to play as well as to grieve, and to have adults pay attention to me.
posted by thelonius at 9:24 PM on August 23, 2011
One thing that kind of surprised me was, the pressure from society to be all like over it, and not be grieving, after just a few weeks or months. Anyone who acknowledged that grief, and its reality, was a great help, especially if they could also treat me as a normal kid. A lot of people seemed just terrified of us, like they didn't know what might be offensive to say or do.
But, I think distracting children that age can be effective and healing. A kindness that I remember was, our relatives in Toronto invited us up for Christmas, about 2 months after Dad died. The excitement and adventure of a trip out of the country helped keep me me from brooding too much. I was only a little kid, I needed to play as well as to grieve, and to have adults pay attention to me.
posted by thelonius at 9:24 PM on August 23, 2011
One thing you can do is continue to be there once the initial "rush" is over. That is, generally, most people will be around at the start but things taper off after a certain period. Being there later, when more people aren't, can be very valuable.
So sorry to hear you (and they) are going through this.
posted by prettypretty at 10:12 PM on August 23, 2011 [2 favorites]
So sorry to hear you (and they) are going through this.
posted by prettypretty at 10:12 PM on August 23, 2011 [2 favorites]
Going to counter what some people are saying about spending time with the family and say check first please. The last thing I wanted when my father passed away was a bunch of (well-meaning) people I didn't really know or care about getting their noses in my business/life because they thought I needed parental guidance. (My siblings were more open to this but would've resented anyone trying to play second parent as well at ages 10 and 14.)
A much safer bet is offering help with single parenting afterwards (this is something my mom could've used so much but nobody was around to do it). Help Dad by picking up Daughter from events or driving her places; picking up groceries, attending recitals/concerts/performances if he can't make it, etc. This was something that was much harder to do and eventually took a toll on my family as these adult-oriented tasks fell on the shoulders of older siblings - and this is a family that doesn't have that structure to fall back on. Offer to take Daughter for a night of babysitting so he can go out and do something. Be supportive of him dating when he chooses to do so and please don't nag him about it.
Let them grieve however long they need to grieve and at the same time don't force your grieving onto them. My mother's best friend was extremely heartbroken when my mother passed away from cancer in January. At the funeral, she cornered me and tried to order me to cry (wtf) because it was ok to cry. She copes with the loss of her friend by sending me long heartfelt emails about how much she misses my mom and blah blah blah. I get that this is her grieving process but I am not interested in grieving with her and it drives me a little nuts. She also keeps insisting that she's "here if you need me" which is nice but I don't need her and she keeps almost badgering me about it. Please don't be this person. Don't try the whole "I know how you feel! I lost my best friend!" line because your grieving and his grieving and her grieving are all going to be different.
Also, be willing to take a "no thanks" without personal affront. You may want to help them more than they want your help.
I am really sorry for your loss.
posted by buteo at 10:27 PM on August 23, 2011 [1 favorite]
A much safer bet is offering help with single parenting afterwards (this is something my mom could've used so much but nobody was around to do it). Help Dad by picking up Daughter from events or driving her places; picking up groceries, attending recitals/concerts/performances if he can't make it, etc. This was something that was much harder to do and eventually took a toll on my family as these adult-oriented tasks fell on the shoulders of older siblings - and this is a family that doesn't have that structure to fall back on. Offer to take Daughter for a night of babysitting so he can go out and do something. Be supportive of him dating when he chooses to do so and please don't nag him about it.
Let them grieve however long they need to grieve and at the same time don't force your grieving onto them. My mother's best friend was extremely heartbroken when my mother passed away from cancer in January. At the funeral, she cornered me and tried to order me to cry (wtf) because it was ok to cry. She copes with the loss of her friend by sending me long heartfelt emails about how much she misses my mom and blah blah blah. I get that this is her grieving process but I am not interested in grieving with her and it drives me a little nuts. She also keeps insisting that she's "here if you need me" which is nice but I don't need her and she keeps almost badgering me about it. Please don't be this person. Don't try the whole "I know how you feel! I lost my best friend!" line because your grieving and his grieving and her grieving are all going to be different.
Also, be willing to take a "no thanks" without personal affront. You may want to help them more than they want your help.
I am really sorry for your loss.
posted by buteo at 10:27 PM on August 23, 2011 [1 favorite]
I'm very sorry. The term I was fishing for in my hurried brain was "bright siding" but actually, pink washing can be very sad too. The Ovarian Cancer Brigade (or whatever they're called) has chosen Teal, and there are cropping up more and more things in Teal for awareness. So, please, don't buy these Teal things in hopes that money will be donated to research for a cure.
So, now that pink washing and my embarassment are out of the way. Here's what I meant by "bright siding." No reminding the child or her father of the wonderful things they still have, like each other, a beautiful home, friends who love them. Reminding the wife that her daughter and husband will "be ok," or that they are strong, or that she is strong. Chipper professions that "today is beautiful" or "isn't that a nice ____" might be avoided unless (and perhaps even if, depending on the family) you are absolutely the preternaturally chipper sort.
As others have said above, listen to any cues that the family gives about what they need. These will likely not be direct. Maybe a startled statement that school starts next week and dad hasn't had time to get the back to school list from daughter's teachers. If you hear that, please, get the list, order the stuff from Amazon and have it delivered, or go pick it up at the store. If daughter makes a remark that she really liked that chocolate pudding that so and so brought over, find out what it was, and get more. Not crates full of it, but just some every week or so. If dad mentions that the yard really needs mowing but he doesn't have the energy to do it, the patience to fix the mower, or the heart to walk past Wife's beloved rose bush 16 times, well, you know. Logistical stuff.
But please, please, no dictating how the family should feel. (But from your updates, it's clear that you know that already.)
posted by bilabial at 7:44 PM on August 24, 2011 [1 favorite]
So, now that pink washing and my embarassment are out of the way. Here's what I meant by "bright siding." No reminding the child or her father of the wonderful things they still have, like each other, a beautiful home, friends who love them. Reminding the wife that her daughter and husband will "be ok," or that they are strong, or that she is strong. Chipper professions that "today is beautiful" or "isn't that a nice ____" might be avoided unless (and perhaps even if, depending on the family) you are absolutely the preternaturally chipper sort.
As others have said above, listen to any cues that the family gives about what they need. These will likely not be direct. Maybe a startled statement that school starts next week and dad hasn't had time to get the back to school list from daughter's teachers. If you hear that, please, get the list, order the stuff from Amazon and have it delivered, or go pick it up at the store. If daughter makes a remark that she really liked that chocolate pudding that so and so brought over, find out what it was, and get more. Not crates full of it, but just some every week or so. If dad mentions that the yard really needs mowing but he doesn't have the energy to do it, the patience to fix the mower, or the heart to walk past Wife's beloved rose bush 16 times, well, you know. Logistical stuff.
But please, please, no dictating how the family should feel. (But from your updates, it's clear that you know that already.)
posted by bilabial at 7:44 PM on August 24, 2011 [1 favorite]
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Spending time with them is key. Sometimes they'll want to sit and talk about their loss. Sometimes they'll want to sit and not talk. Sometimes your friend will need some alone time and maybe you can take the daughter out for a walk or a talk alone. Play it by ear. Let them know that you are open to anything and also to them cancelling at the last minute if it turns out they just can't handle being with someone at that moment. They'll appreciate your availability and flexibility.
I am so sorry for your (and their) loss.
posted by Sophie1 at 8:02 AM on August 23, 2011 [5 favorites]