Breaking up with a combat PTSD sufferer
August 22, 2011 9:29 AM Subscribe
My boyfriend suffers from combat PTSD. I can't handle this relationship anymore due to reasons stemming from that, and I am not sure how to deal with this or what to expect.
I apologize for the length of this, but I think the context is important. I have been with my boyfriend for several years now. He has combat PTSD from military service, which has gotten to be very bad in the last couple years. His time of service was nearly twenty years ago. We don't live together, but for a long time we've been planning on his moving in with me later this year. We did actually used to get along really well, and I never thought it would come to this because we both love each other very much. I don't even doubt that now. I still imagine a future with him and have a hard time thinking that won't happen. A typical part of the illness is that the sufferer tries to push away loved ones. He does this so often now that I can't take it anymore, and I need to leave him out of respect for myself.
Although he has been seeking treatment for his PTSD via VA resources and I have done my best to be supportive of him and understanding of his problems when he lashes out at me (while also telling him clearly many times that I can't put up with his taking stuff out on me all the time), he only seems to be getting more unstable. He is not on any medication, and for some reason his doctors haven't prescribed him any even though, based on what he's told me, he's willing to take it and his doctors have vaguely suggested that medication might help him with his severe anxiety and sleep problems. It's been months now since he started seeing these doctors, and still no medication. I don't know if this is typical of the VA's way of operating, or if he himself has been making treatment very difficult. I know that he can be very erratic and hard to deal with when the PTSD comes out, and I can only imagine these people facing him when he acts to them the way he acts to me when it gets bad. Even when he seeks help from people, he can make himself very difficult to help. I have asked him why they didn't prescribe him anything after he seemed to think they would, and he just said he doesn't know why not. I am not confident that he's been completely honest with me about what's been going on, but I do know he's been seeing VA doctors.
He has never been physically abusive to me, but verbally he lashes out badly whenever he is stressed out about something, and he takes it all out on me in the most manipulative ways, twisting my words, misinterpreting my actions in ways that make it sound like completely innocent things I do are done to spite him (for example, not answering the phone when he called, because I was in the shower and didn't know he was going to be calling). These things only happen when he is having a PTSD episode, but these episodes are now happening at least twice a week and seem to be totally out of his control. It used to be a rare occurrence. Interacting with him has turned into an extremely stressful game of chance, never knowing if he's coming into a conversation with his mind off-kilter and ready to verbally attack me about things that don't even make sense, things that are impossible to resolve because they are not based on reality and there is no way to convince him of that until he's snapped out of it hours later and apologizes for all the awful things he said to me, things that he knows aren't true.
I've realized I've become seriously depressed with all that's been going on with him, neglecting my own life goals and generally losing interest in everything that doesn't involve him and worrying about him. He knows how I feel, he knows that it hurts me, but it seems that he is unable to stop treating me this way. I could deal with his illness if it didn't involve frequent emotional abuse, but I've lost any faith that's going to go away.
I feel like a terrible person leaving him due to his illness. He lost his job earlier this year, and, even though the company didn't say it was because of his emotional instability, I know it had been coming out at work and that was probably the true reason he was let go. In other words, unemployment didn't bring these issues out of him; he was having them while he was employed, and he even liked his job. He has told me I mean everything to him, that life without me would be empty, but I don't know what that means now that he's managed to drive me away. These aren't just words coming from him. He is actually broke, unemployed, is not close to his family, really doesn't have anything else going for him right now. And I worry that if he loses me, he'll feel like he has nothing to strive for, and won't bother with getting treatment anymore and will never get any better, if he has a chance to.
There's no way I can convince him of something like "It's not you, it's me." He knows it's him, he knows how bad it's been. I don't know if he'd try to hurt himself or not. Have any of you broken up with someone due to similar reasons? Was there a way you were able to soften the blow, to make them feel like their life wasn't over and there was still a point to trying to get better?
I apologize for the length of this, but I think the context is important. I have been with my boyfriend for several years now. He has combat PTSD from military service, which has gotten to be very bad in the last couple years. His time of service was nearly twenty years ago. We don't live together, but for a long time we've been planning on his moving in with me later this year. We did actually used to get along really well, and I never thought it would come to this because we both love each other very much. I don't even doubt that now. I still imagine a future with him and have a hard time thinking that won't happen. A typical part of the illness is that the sufferer tries to push away loved ones. He does this so often now that I can't take it anymore, and I need to leave him out of respect for myself.
Although he has been seeking treatment for his PTSD via VA resources and I have done my best to be supportive of him and understanding of his problems when he lashes out at me (while also telling him clearly many times that I can't put up with his taking stuff out on me all the time), he only seems to be getting more unstable. He is not on any medication, and for some reason his doctors haven't prescribed him any even though, based on what he's told me, he's willing to take it and his doctors have vaguely suggested that medication might help him with his severe anxiety and sleep problems. It's been months now since he started seeing these doctors, and still no medication. I don't know if this is typical of the VA's way of operating, or if he himself has been making treatment very difficult. I know that he can be very erratic and hard to deal with when the PTSD comes out, and I can only imagine these people facing him when he acts to them the way he acts to me when it gets bad. Even when he seeks help from people, he can make himself very difficult to help. I have asked him why they didn't prescribe him anything after he seemed to think they would, and he just said he doesn't know why not. I am not confident that he's been completely honest with me about what's been going on, but I do know he's been seeing VA doctors.
He has never been physically abusive to me, but verbally he lashes out badly whenever he is stressed out about something, and he takes it all out on me in the most manipulative ways, twisting my words, misinterpreting my actions in ways that make it sound like completely innocent things I do are done to spite him (for example, not answering the phone when he called, because I was in the shower and didn't know he was going to be calling). These things only happen when he is having a PTSD episode, but these episodes are now happening at least twice a week and seem to be totally out of his control. It used to be a rare occurrence. Interacting with him has turned into an extremely stressful game of chance, never knowing if he's coming into a conversation with his mind off-kilter and ready to verbally attack me about things that don't even make sense, things that are impossible to resolve because they are not based on reality and there is no way to convince him of that until he's snapped out of it hours later and apologizes for all the awful things he said to me, things that he knows aren't true.
I've realized I've become seriously depressed with all that's been going on with him, neglecting my own life goals and generally losing interest in everything that doesn't involve him and worrying about him. He knows how I feel, he knows that it hurts me, but it seems that he is unable to stop treating me this way. I could deal with his illness if it didn't involve frequent emotional abuse, but I've lost any faith that's going to go away.
I feel like a terrible person leaving him due to his illness. He lost his job earlier this year, and, even though the company didn't say it was because of his emotional instability, I know it had been coming out at work and that was probably the true reason he was let go. In other words, unemployment didn't bring these issues out of him; he was having them while he was employed, and he even liked his job. He has told me I mean everything to him, that life without me would be empty, but I don't know what that means now that he's managed to drive me away. These aren't just words coming from him. He is actually broke, unemployed, is not close to his family, really doesn't have anything else going for him right now. And I worry that if he loses me, he'll feel like he has nothing to strive for, and won't bother with getting treatment anymore and will never get any better, if he has a chance to.
There's no way I can convince him of something like "It's not you, it's me." He knows it's him, he knows how bad it's been. I don't know if he'd try to hurt himself or not. Have any of you broken up with someone due to similar reasons? Was there a way you were able to soften the blow, to make them feel like their life wasn't over and there was still a point to trying to get better?
Yes, liketitanic is right. You being with him isn't helping you and it isn't helping him. You say you have been supportive, but what does that really mean? Staying with him, even though you're not telling him his treatment of you is okay, he may be thinking deep down that it is.
It's also possible his therapists and psych team at the VA have no idea the extent of what he's doing. Perhaps you can speak to them as part of his recovery. If you're interested in staying (and it seems like you are), you should make this a requirement of you staying, that he be honest with his therapists and allow you to speak to them to give them your side of things that may be less filtered than what he tells them.
But the bottom line is that you don't deserve *any* of this. If he's not doing his best to get better, and even if he is, his treatment of you is unacceptable. Until and unless he improves himself, you should be around him less and maybe not at all.
posted by inturnaround at 9:55 AM on August 22, 2011
It's also possible his therapists and psych team at the VA have no idea the extent of what he's doing. Perhaps you can speak to them as part of his recovery. If you're interested in staying (and it seems like you are), you should make this a requirement of you staying, that he be honest with his therapists and allow you to speak to them to give them your side of things that may be less filtered than what he tells them.
But the bottom line is that you don't deserve *any* of this. If he's not doing his best to get better, and even if he is, his treatment of you is unacceptable. Until and unless he improves himself, you should be around him less and maybe not at all.
posted by inturnaround at 9:55 AM on August 22, 2011
These things only happen when he is having a PTSD episode, but these episodes are now happening at least twice a week and seem to be totally out of his control.
What might be the triggers for this, particularly if its been 20 years and you say the episodes were not so frequent before?
posted by infini at 9:58 AM on August 22, 2011 [1 favorite]
What might be the triggers for this, particularly if its been 20 years and you say the episodes were not so frequent before?
posted by infini at 9:58 AM on August 22, 2011 [1 favorite]
You have done everything in your power to help him because you care for him, but it sounds like you have exhausted your own internal resources in doing so. No matter how much you love someone, it's not possible to get them to change until they decide they want to do so. As others have pointed out above, it's possible that having you supporting him has allowed him to avoid changing up to this point.
I would say that it is unusual for the VA to not have offered medication and/or more intensive services (like participation in a day program) if things are as bad as you are reporting. It's quite possible that he has hidden the extent of the trouble he's having from his team there, or maybe possible that he's been skipping appointments. I agree with inturnaround that it would be helpful, if he will allow it, to talk with his team about what has been happening. You could even contact the psychology/psychiatry department to let them know that you are likely going to separate from your boyfriend and why. If they don't have a release to speak with you, they won't be able to provide you with additional information, and may not even acknowledge whether or not he's a patient, but you will have given them information they can use in making treatment decisions. Most VA programs offer couples' counseling in addition to individual therapy. That may be an option to help you structure your relationship with him if you want to stay, but could also provide some support and assistance if you decide to leave. If there is a crisis and you are worried about his safety, call 911 or contact the Veterans' Crisis Line 1-800-273-8255 and press 1, or live chat at this link
Yes, he is suffering, but ultimately he has made choices that have brought him there (e.g., acting out at work, separating from other friends and family, making you bear the brunt of his angry and abusive behavior). You also need support to guide you through this. If you are worried at all about your own safety, please contact a domestic violence shelter near you. They can help you plan over the phone what you need to do to exit the relationship safely and can point you to resources for support. This webpage provides some information for families and partners of vets with PTSD. There may be some additional information that would be useful in locating support for you there. If you can, find a good therapist to talk to as well. You have been through the wringer yourself, and will understandibly be greiving the loss of the relationship, the loss of possibilities, the loss of time and probably combinations of those things.
Take good care of yourself. It is healthy and brave to separate yourself from a situation that has been deteriorating for some time.
posted by goggie at 10:40 AM on August 22, 2011 [3 favorites]
I would say that it is unusual for the VA to not have offered medication and/or more intensive services (like participation in a day program) if things are as bad as you are reporting. It's quite possible that he has hidden the extent of the trouble he's having from his team there, or maybe possible that he's been skipping appointments. I agree with inturnaround that it would be helpful, if he will allow it, to talk with his team about what has been happening. You could even contact the psychology/psychiatry department to let them know that you are likely going to separate from your boyfriend and why. If they don't have a release to speak with you, they won't be able to provide you with additional information, and may not even acknowledge whether or not he's a patient, but you will have given them information they can use in making treatment decisions. Most VA programs offer couples' counseling in addition to individual therapy. That may be an option to help you structure your relationship with him if you want to stay, but could also provide some support and assistance if you decide to leave. If there is a crisis and you are worried about his safety, call 911 or contact the Veterans' Crisis Line 1-800-273-8255 and press 1, or live chat at this link
Yes, he is suffering, but ultimately he has made choices that have brought him there (e.g., acting out at work, separating from other friends and family, making you bear the brunt of his angry and abusive behavior). You also need support to guide you through this. If you are worried at all about your own safety, please contact a domestic violence shelter near you. They can help you plan over the phone what you need to do to exit the relationship safely and can point you to resources for support. This webpage provides some information for families and partners of vets with PTSD. There may be some additional information that would be useful in locating support for you there. If you can, find a good therapist to talk to as well. You have been through the wringer yourself, and will understandibly be greiving the loss of the relationship, the loss of possibilities, the loss of time and probably combinations of those things.
Take good care of yourself. It is healthy and brave to separate yourself from a situation that has been deteriorating for some time.
posted by goggie at 10:40 AM on August 22, 2011 [3 favorites]
You say you "don't know if he'd try to hurt himself or not." I am more concerned that he might try to hurt you if you break up with him--which you certainly should, under these circumstances. He lost his job, and his behavior became much worse. What would he do if he also lost you? You don't know, but part of your plan for disengaging should be a plan for self-protection.
Can you make up a reason for the break up that is not all about him and his behavior--something that seems plausible, and perhaps not long-term? Can you leave town for a while? Can you discretely change where you live or work?
Maybe none of this will be necessary, but you are about to pull the rug out from under an abusive person who seems to have nothing else to lose, and you need to be conscious of your own safety, emotional and physical. He is not "owed" an honest break up, and you don't deserve to suffer any more than you already have.
posted by Scram at 11:12 AM on August 22, 2011 [1 favorite]
Can you make up a reason for the break up that is not all about him and his behavior--something that seems plausible, and perhaps not long-term? Can you leave town for a while? Can you discretely change where you live or work?
Maybe none of this will be necessary, but you are about to pull the rug out from under an abusive person who seems to have nothing else to lose, and you need to be conscious of your own safety, emotional and physical. He is not "owed" an honest break up, and you don't deserve to suffer any more than you already have.
posted by Scram at 11:12 AM on August 22, 2011 [1 favorite]
I'm with Scram. You need to take care of yourself first. He sounds fairly volatile. I'm not clear on whether or not you live with your boyfriend, but arrange somewhere to go before you break up with him and consider doing it after you've already left. Please keep your friends and family close to you and be safe.
posted by Lieber Frau at 12:46 PM on August 23, 2011
posted by Lieber Frau at 12:46 PM on August 23, 2011
This thread is closed to new comments.
In addition to planning for how to tell him, please also plan for caring for you. It will not be easy to leave and it will take a lot of determination and resolve on your part. Before you leave, make sure you set up a good support system for yourself to make sure that you stay on track and don't slide backwards (which might be very tempting especially when his situation deteriorates further). Line up treatment for your depression and what sounds like a co-dependency issue.
I also don't think that there are any ways to soften the blow here. The best way to do it may be to simply explain why you're leaving but making it clear that it is not a blame game. How about,
"I need to leave because I don't want to live like this anymore. I want to get better and live. I hope that you do too, but we can't do it together anymore."
Best of luck.
posted by Leezie at 9:51 AM on August 22, 2011 [3 favorites]