Ouch
August 21, 2011 12:56 PM   Subscribe

My boyfriend is physically and emotionally sensitive about being circumcised. What can I do? (NSFW)

Background: I'm a woman, we're in our late-twenties, and we've been in a relationship for a few months (and friends before that).

My boyfriend tells me that he's never found intercourse or oral sex to be terribly enjoyable, and a few years ago he figured out that this is because his penis is overly sensitive to any kind of direct stimulation (he finds touch painful), and so he deeply regrets having been circumcised as a baby (a routine non-religious event, we're in the United States). When he figured this out, he did a lot of very thorough research on foreskins and circumcision, and now thinking about his permanently-damaged penis makes him quite sad. He prefers to avoid talking about it - he replaces desire with warm affection for me, along with fantasies that don't involve genital contact (imaginary voyeurism etc.).

This makes things...difficult for me. I do like cuddling, but I also like sex. All kinds of sex! It's tough to be mostly-excluded from that kind of physical passion/connection with him. I've gently told him how frustrated I am, and he's sad that he's inflicted his sadness on me too - one time when we managed to discuss it recently, he suggested I consider breaking up with him and finding an uncircumcised man instead, which must have hurt to say.

I believe we can find some alternate solutions with some creativity and experimentation, and I have lots of ideas for this (lots! I am open-minded and imaginative!), but his sadness about the subject makes it tough to bring up these ideas or try them together. I don't want to insistently or frequently remind him of something that's painful to him, and various tentative suggestions have fallen flat.

I'd love to hear recommendations for what I can do, similar experiences from any point of view, or articles to read to help give me insight into handling this. I believe that we'll figure it out slowly together, but I'd like to figure out how to speed up the process. This situation is weighing on my mind and distracting me. I talked a bit to a close friend, but she can't quite understand why this is such a big deal to him - I tried to explain that he is just the type of person who considers things very carefully, not letting details slide.

Options considered and discarded include therapy (he and I are strongly independent-minded and have overcome unrelated difficulties in our lives without therapy - we prefer to handle things ourselves), an open relationship (I don't really want anybody else at the moment), foreskin restoration (I imagine he's researched this and decided against it), or breaking up with him (we are incredibly well-suited for each other in many ways - it's tough to imagine how I'd find anybody even half as fascinating as him, even considering this difficulty).
posted by mysh to Human Relations (56 answers total) 4 users marked this as a favorite

 
Men can wear strap ons too. And they have hands. And they can use toys. Also there is a fake foreskin you can get, it helps restore the penis to a natural state.
posted by By The Grace of God at 1:05 PM on August 21, 2011


Here we are for the penis sheath - it works by making the penis natural lube return. You don't wear it while having sex.
posted by By The Grace of God at 1:08 PM on August 21, 2011


he suggested I consider breaking up with him and finding an uncircumcised man

Was this said out of anger or resentment at you, or out of frustration with his situation?

Either way, this comment stuck out as a red flag to me. People in committed relationships don't often say that stuff lightly.

You say you don't want to do therapy, but it kinda sounds like he needs the counseling of a professional, if not both of you in couples therapy.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 1:11 PM on August 21, 2011 [3 favorites]


Probably not want you to hear, and I'm rarely one to suggest it as a response, but I'd look back into therapy -- circumcision should really have made him less sensitive, not more, since he has grown up with having his glans constantly exposed and rubbing against clothing. I suspect there is a more deep seated issue than the mere physical consequences of being circumcised as a baby.
posted by modernnomad at 1:11 PM on August 21, 2011 [47 favorites]


Has he seen a urologist at all? Extra sensitivity isn't universal (or even, I think, usual) for men circumcised as children; this might be a fixable problem, whether or not it was caused by his circumcision.
posted by nat at 1:12 PM on August 21, 2011 [1 favorite]


Something is a bit wrong about your boyfriend's explanation, and that makes me suspect that there's something more going on than a physiological reaction to a childhood circumcision. Most men of my generation are circumcised and find sex very enjoyable. I find it hard to even say something so obvious.

Yet your boyfriend is suggesting that you "consider breaking up with him and find[] an uncircumcised man." Does he believe that those tens of millions of circumcised adult men in the United States are incapable of having fulfilling sex?

This is what we know for sure. Your boyfriend doesn't find sex enjoyable. Also, he thinks it's because of his childhood circumcision. Your boyfriend has discarded therapy, but that sounds like a bad choice in this circumstance. Really, sometimes it's best to consult an expert, even if you and him are independently-minded.
posted by ferdydurke at 1:15 PM on August 21, 2011 [14 favorites]


Yeah, something is a bit off here. It looks like on of two possibilities (1) he's using this as an excuse for some other problem, or (2) he has a some kind of physical/mental problem that is actually making him as sensitive as he says.

I suggest you assume that he is being fully honest and encourage him to see a doctor, because this does not sound right. Most circumcised guys claim to be less sensitive, not more. Also, if he is so incredibly sensitive, doesn't wearing a condom help?
posted by molecicco at 1:26 PM on August 21, 2011 [1 favorite]


If his penis hurts, he should see a doctor. Your penis might get sore now and then, but routinely hurting when touched is not normal. However, this sounds more like a psychological/emotional issue. He might be blaming circumcision for impotence which actually arises from another issue he doesn't want to confront. Chances are it could be sorted out if properly addressed.
posted by Segundus at 1:28 PM on August 21, 2011


Consider therapy again. The circumcision explanation just doesn't ring true to me at all.

Basically I'm positive there is something else going on here but without more information I can only take wild stabs in the dark as to what it actually is. I realize you prefer to handle things yourselves but what's going on here is he's provided a very flimsy explanation for his troubles and you've taken him at his word; as long as there's this much denial going on, this isn't something you can handle yourselves. A therapist would help him unpack exactly what's going on and then once there's a better handle on it, you can maybe take it from there.
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 1:31 PM on August 21, 2011 [1 favorite]


Yeah, not to be indelicate but this sounds like psychological coping for impotence. A scapegoat. The "break up with me and find an uncircumcised man" raises all kinds of red flags.
posted by nathancaswell at 1:34 PM on August 21, 2011 [2 favorites]


It's a bummer if he actually has a medical condition but it's beyond sad that he has an enthusiastic partner yet is still reluctant to explore the possibilities beyond voyeurism and warm affection. If he's unwilling to see a specialist (or therapist), then I don't think he's quite ready for your help. You could be a saint, wait a forever but then eventually lose patience at some point in the future and wind up feeling terrible about yourself. If he's not willing to really open up about this, you need to move on sooner than later.

It actually sounds a little fishy to me because there must be some way that he's been pleasuring himself for the last decade or so. Is he willing to show you exactly what does and doesn't hurt? What about wearing a couple of condoms? De-sensitizing lubricant? Has he let you take a good close look at his penis?

You didn't break him - it's not your responsibility to fix him.
posted by bonobothegreat at 1:44 PM on August 21, 2011 [2 favorites]


Response by poster: By The Grace of God: The SenSlip has such a good-natured and funny website that I'll be happy to show it to him, haha. (And I'm sure he would try a strap-on if I asked nicely and persisted, but I believe it would make him feel even worse - reminding him very concretely of the problem.)

Blazecock Pileon: We're both very pragmatic, and it was said gently - a statement of his limitations and his consideration for my needs.

ferdydurke: I believe he would say that other circumcised men do have fulfilling sex, but that they don't know exactly what they're missing (and that he does because he's spent such careful effort learning about it and understanding it), and that knowing what he's missing makes it unfulfilling.

multiple people: Seeing a urologist is an interesting suggestion - he might be up for that, given the quite reasonable explanation that most men become less sensitive, not more sensitive, so something seems wrong. (And if a specialist decides that this seems like a psychological issue, that would be something to definitely investigate.) But I think he would explain that uncircumcised men have the opportunity for the glans to comfortably rub against the foreskin instead of the glans directly rubbing against something else, so to him it makes sense that he doesn't like being touched directly. (He masturbates through a couple layers of soft fabric.)

(I don't think impotence is the problem really - early on before he told me about this in much detail, I gave him oral sex a few times and we had intercourse once as an experiment, and his physical responses were all very normal.)

(Not trying to be overly defensive, just trying to provide more information. Thanks to everyone so far for your kind responses.)
posted by mysh at 1:44 PM on August 21, 2011


but that they don't know exactly what they're missing (and that he does because he's spent such careful effort learning about it and understanding it), and that knowing what he's missing makes it unfulfilling.

What. This is such a bizarre standpoint I really have to wonder if he isn't using this as an excuse for some other issue. Sex isn't fun because it pales in comparison to some inchoate story about sex he read about online?
posted by elektrotechnicus at 1:48 PM on August 21, 2011 [20 favorites]


You've had sex "once as an experiment"? Only once? If this were me I wouldn't rest until I figured it out. I'd be coating my dick in all kinds of desensitizing options and trying to make it work. Especially if my partner was experiencing emotional stress about it. Something is rotten in the state of Denmark.
posted by nathancaswell at 1:52 PM on August 21, 2011 [1 favorite]


This is about him and how he relates to problems. It is not about circumcision.
posted by yarly at 1:53 PM on August 21, 2011 [3 favorites]


Yeah, the normal thing is the other way around, where circumcision might make you less sensitive because of the rubbing. He needs to see a urologist, because that is the mandatory first stop when your dick hurts.

But honestly, he sounds like he needs a head doctor a lot more than he needs a dick doctor. He sounds sad, confused, and kind of irrational (like under comment about you hooking up with an uncut guy).

More importantly, his issues aren't yours to solve. You deserve to be happy, including having a good sex life. The current setup doesn't sound good for you at all.
posted by Forktine at 1:57 PM on August 21, 2011 [8 favorites]


This has nothing to do with with circumcision. His narrative is off, he's trying to communicate something else. Therapy, now.
posted by gertzedek at 2:12 PM on August 21, 2011 [4 favorites]


He should also stop reading circumcision scare sites.
posted by BurntHombre at 2:12 PM on August 21, 2011 [7 favorites]


As others have said this strikes me as some sort of psychological issue. Being circumcised doesn't make you more sensitive, much less so sensitive you can't be touched. Others have gone into more detail; listen to them.
posted by Justinian at 2:13 PM on August 21, 2011


he would say that other circumcised men do have fulfilling sex, but that they don't know exactly what they're missing (and that he does because he's spent such careful effort learning about it and understanding it), and that knowing what he's missing makes it unfulfilling.

Nthing that this is absolutely silly. We can only speculate as to what's really going on here, and such speculation could take us far off track, but this story he's been telling you and himself makes no sense.
posted by jon1270 at 2:22 PM on August 21, 2011


Response by poster: hal_c_on: Nah, it's weird because in all other areas of his life, he is very balanced, confident, and rational. He rarely gets discouraged, instead working on a difficult problem until he conquers it, or taking a break and coming back later to work on it from a different angle. But with this issue, he's decided that he has a physical problem that cannot be solved, so that's it.

I'll ask him to try making an appointment with a urologist to get a professional opinion of his sensitivity and to find out about options (and if he's tried this already, I'll ask him to try again). I think that's a good start.
posted by mysh at 2:22 PM on August 21, 2011


Everyone who's saying circumcision makes you less sensitive, come on. It's more complicated than that. I'm circumcised and I can't wear boxers because my exposed glans (mucous membrane tissue, not skin, you know?) rubs against the material and chafes like hell.

The bottom line is that everyone's different, so please don't deny his basic experience that he's reporting. It's going to make OP potentially start challenging him, which, even if gently, probably won't be constructive.

In any case, he needs to talk this through with someone smart. Therapy.
posted by zeek321 at 2:23 PM on August 21, 2011 [4 favorites]


It sounds like he's gotten into some anti-circumcision material that's weighing more heavily on his mind than his actual issues. While circumcision is a legitimately contentious topic, the anti-circ side has some material and proponents that border on pseudo-science and conspiracy theory. I would look into what he's been looking into, and perhaps suggest that he find a doctor or sexual therapist that's neutral on the issue.

Regardless of whether or not his circumcision was a crime against his humanity, he has some immediate issues that aren't going to be resolved by focussing on his childhood. They can be addressed directly, and it sounds like the circumcision itself is an event that's getting in the way of dealing with his more immediate problems.
posted by fatbird at 2:31 PM on August 21, 2011 [2 favorites]


Also, I identify as someone who was, frankly, tortured and mutilated out of ignorance as an infant, i.e. circumcised. My bodily integrity was not respected, and experiences and choices were taken from me that I can never have back. I can empathize with this guy: I was pretty upset when I put the pieces together. It's pretty fucked up, and discussions about it can still make me quite angry.

AND, I have insane amounts of hot sex and amazing, honest, intimate relationships.

So, again, he needs time and/or therapy and/or support from people who will not try to deny what he's thinking, feeling, and experiencing and who will support him in constructively moving forward.
posted by zeek321 at 2:33 PM on August 21, 2011 [6 favorites]


(I don't think impotence is the problem really - early on before he told me about this in much detail, I gave him oral sex a few times and we had intercourse once as an experiment, and his physical responses were all very normal.)

I'm going to be blunt: what is he doing exactly to meet your sexual needs? Is he okay with giving oral sex, using his fingers and tongue on you? If not, I personally would run at this point.

Because he sounds like he has sexual hangups and he is using, consciously or unconsciously, the circumcision excuse to keep from doing things he doesn't want to do.

This may be TMI, but my husband is circumcised and he's always been very sensitive. We've found that sensitivity can be a lot of fun for both partners.

And whenever either of us has had issues that might affect our sex life, we are right on top of that (so to speak).

The idea that your guy has never gone to a urologist, or a therapist, or tried SSRIs or other medications for this serious problem he says he has just boggles my mind.

When you say you are independent and solve problems on your own--well, that might have worked for you, but what he has ACTUALLY done here is just bury his head in the sand (so to speak) and ignore that the problem exists, which solves nothing.

So you give him oral sex, you've had intercourse once and only once, and when you need more from him, he's all about how he is basically scarred for life and maybe you should find someone else who really deserves you?

Listen to what he is telling you: I have issues and rather than working on them I'd choose to let you go.

Why are you not running already?
posted by misha at 2:41 PM on August 21, 2011 [13 favorites]


I, uh, got circumcised late in life. He's not missing much. (Other than the missing foreskin, I mean.) If there's actual pain involved, he (and you) should look into it.
posted by Busoni at 2:43 PM on August 21, 2011 [1 favorite]


I think you need to reassure your boyfriend that you don't care if he's circumcised or not because I took that whole "find a uncircumcised guy" as a plea for some reasurrance which he probably needs if he's been reading a bunch of websites about his penis being mutilated etc. Let him know its perfect anyway and that you want to be with him because he's great, fascinating and hot among other great traits.

Then I think he needs therapy because it seems to me that a lot of this is a mental block, of course there could be a physical aspect as well and he should get checked out, but if it was all physical surly he would be searching for a fix for it. Nothing is going to change until he learns to accept his penis for what it is and can then start looking for ways to use it to have an imaginative and hot sex life because we all only get the bits we have and that the sad truth of the situation.
posted by SpaceWarp13 at 2:45 PM on August 21, 2011


Hi. I come from a country where circumcision was seen as the norm for many, many years and the majority of the population has this "disability."

First, pain during intercourse is not common for circumcised men. As mentioned many times before, there's usually a loss of sensation. If anyone, for any reason, is experiencing pain during sex, I'd suggest talking to a professional.

Projection of attitudes about anything that happened to you as a child, especially when it was someone else's choice, is a great way to start thinking in a rut. It's a somewhat bizarre aesthetic choice that parents made. Many parents made that choice. I gain absolutely nothing by faulting my parents, society, or anyone else. Some people seem to treat it with the fervor I've only seen among those who claim satanic ritual abuse as a kid. In any case, know that he feels strongly about something in his childhood, is experiencing physical pain, and apparently a great deal of emotion. Both of these read: Seek professional help and be honest and communicative in your relationship

The way he has communicated this, as you've related to us, is that he has a hang-up with sex that he needs to get over. This sounds remarkably similar to obsessive concerns that acquaintances with OCD-spectrum symptoms seem to exhibit. He obsesses about his "damage," sex only makes him think of this, and he gets into a mental loop regarding it.
posted by mikeh at 2:48 PM on August 21, 2011 [2 favorites]


The bottom line is that everyone's different, so please don't deny his basic experience that he's reporting.

I don't think that anyone is denying the fact that he is experiencing extreme sensitivity -- I think the debate is whether circumcision is the cause of that sensitivity. I mean, you report that boxer shorts are uncomfortable for you, but is sex painful as well?

What's more of a red flag for me is his response to the situation itself, REGARDLESS of what caused it. Even if it's true that circumcision was the cause of this problem -- he is choosing to wallow rather than solve it. That is the bigger problem -- he's giving in to the assumption that he will forever be in too much pain to enjoy sex. And I don't know about you, but if something were interfering with my own enjoyment of sex I'd be talking to every doctor in my time zone in order to fix that problem because seriously, sex is awesome and everyone deserves to enjoy it.

Maybe circumcision caused his problem and maybe it didn't -- but his real problem isn't his penis, his real problem is his inertia when it comes to solving it.

Ask him whether he's ever talked to a doctor about this -- and if he says he hasn't, ask him why on earth not, because there are solutions and he deserves to find them.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 3:03 PM on August 21, 2011 [7 favorites]


I come from a country where circumcision is not routine (unless for religious reasons). I think it's a wierd thing to do and almost always done for entirely cultural reasons.

Having said that, along with the rest of the pile-on, I'm surprised that it's such a physical issue for him. He should go to a doctor and get that checked out because it's not acceptable for him to be that uncomfortable. More problems are fixable that people think. Even embarassing ones.

Also, I think that he would benefit from therapy to come to terms with the body that he has, as it is now. Other people might be absolutely fine with their circumcisions, but it can still be perfectly reasonable that your boyfriend is not. However, because there is nothing he can do about the actual circumcision itself he needs to accept it. (As an off the wall suggestion, some people find that having a plaster cast of the part of their body they are unhappy with is very helpful in coming to terms with it.)
posted by plonkee at 3:09 PM on August 21, 2011


Out of a fifty/fifty blend of curiosity and desire to be helpful: have you tried using EMLA?
Researchers have shown that a new topical spray, consisting of an aerosol formulation of lidocaine and prilocaine, applied on the penile skin five minutes prior to intercourse is effective for treating premature ejaculation without adversely affecting the sensation of ejaculation.
(My experience with the stuff is entirely second-hand and comes from the birthmark community, but the stuff keeps lasers fired at your face from close range from hurting, so.)
posted by SMPA at 3:14 PM on August 21, 2011


His attitude is that there is something wrong with him because he is circumcised and it has basically ruined his sex life. Well, no; there is something wrong with him because he finds intercourse painful.

I believe he would say that other circumcised men do have fulfilling sex, but that they don't know exactly what they're missing (and that he does because he's spent such careful effort learning about it and understanding it), and that knowing what he's missing makes it unfulfilling.

Oh fucking bullshit. I have had plenty of sex with both circumcised and not circumcised men and there is zero - zero - difference in the quality of the orgasm or in the muttering, gasping, twitching, thrusting or anything else leading up to it. The only difference is that some circumcised men require a lighter touch because of glands sensitivity, or alternatively that intact men may prefer a firmer touch.

Or whatever... let's say I could not possibly know and that cut men are indeed only enjoying 50% or 80% of what uncut men are enjoying. Well fine; it's still PRETTY AWESOME. If the problem is that he's oversensitive, he needs to deal with that. "All circumcised men are doomed to lives of unfulfilled sex" is not an acceptable answer here and it's bogus.

To be perfectly clear, I am not one of those people who puts an emphasis on intercourse as the be all and end all. Were my partner struck with un-treatable erectile dysfunction or to become paraplegic, we'd deal with that and continue to have a sex life. But you are in a position where your partner is unwilling to work on the problem, it's a problem you both share, and that is not OK.

Stop worrying about bringing up something he doesn't like talking about. Worry about the fact that you have a partner who isn't prioritizing meeting your needs. I would get way, way more straight forward about my communication here. That doesn't mean yelling or crying or belittling him; it means making clear statements, putting the onus on him to try everything possible even things he may find unpalatable, and being supportive of those efforts.
posted by DarlingBri at 3:33 PM on August 21, 2011 [5 favorites]


When he figured this out, he did a lot of very thorough research on foreskins and circumcision, and now thinking about his permanently-damaged penis makes him quite sad.

I can't tell you just how much bullshit there is out there on the internet about circumcision and sexual disfunction. Websites like NORM are not based on scientific evidence at all. So, I don't think your BF's conclusion is based on sound evidence.

He masturbates through a couple layers of soft fabric.

Is this the only way he masturbates? Dicks are like dogs, you have to train them to behave. If he is just masturbating by grinding fabric against his dick no pussy is going to feel like fabric. He should mix up the ways he masturbates and with what aids. If he trains his dick to respond to a number of stimuli your bits wont be quite so scary to his cock.
posted by munchingzombie at 3:48 PM on August 21, 2011 [2 favorites]


What seems to be clear is that he does not want to have intercourse with her. He could be asexual (it is not unusual), and he could be gay using a story to avoid sex with a woman (not unusual either).
posted by semmi at 4:22 PM on August 21, 2011 [3 favorites]


Notice how many favorites modernnomad has with his excellent explanation. Something is very peculiar with this story and I don't think your boyfriend is leveling with you. I wondered if maybe he is a masturbation addict and is sore all the time. You should look closely at his penis if you can and look for signs of irritation, raw skin, abrasion. I am circumcised like millions of men and never had any problem. I don't think he is telling you the real problem and it is psychological. He should see a urologist and not be nervous or shy because they hear every possible story imaginable and don't make judgments. I'll bet he resists seeing a urologist too.
posted by nogero at 5:11 PM on August 21, 2011


So is it that sex is painful? (overly sensitive to any kind of direct stimulation (he finds touch painful)

Or is it that he's just generally not happy with the quality of his sex life? knowing what he's missing makes it unfulfilling.

Or is it that sex with you is different than the way he masturbates? he doesn't like being touched directly. (He masturbates through a couple layers of soft fabric.)

And if any of those are correct, what's this about? I gave him oral sex a few times and we had intercourse once as an experiment, and his physical responses were all very normal.

The way you are able to provide educated guesses of his responses to all avenues of help makes me think that the two of you have had many, many serious discussions about his penis and lack of foreskin. Seems a bit odd. If he's masturbating, has shut down ideas for help, and is leaving you out in the cold sex-wise, then you might want to steer the next foreskin-discussion to a discussion about your needs as a person in this monogamous relationship who's not getting any sex inside the relationship, and not allowed any outside the relationship.
posted by Houstonian at 5:15 PM on August 21, 2011 [1 favorite]


Your insides are made of the same stuff his foreskin was. I think he's been sold a bill of goods by the Internet.

When he figured this out, he did a lot of very thorough research on foreskins and circumcision, and now thinking about his permanently-damaged penis makes him quite sad.

I think what's happened to your guy is the same thing that happens to women who fail to form an appropriately skeptical and attentive attitude toward the airbrushed and photoshopped falsehoods that bombard us all from all directions every day: he's become convinced that his body is faulty. And that is indeed a big head problem, not a little head problem.

I don't want to insistently or frequently remind him of something that's painful to him, and various tentative suggestions have fallen flat.

So don't suggest. Do. Put him on his back, put a blankie over his bits and get massaging. Once he's on the brink, he's putty in your hands; at that point you can try anything as long as it's gentle.
posted by flabdablet at 5:37 PM on August 21, 2011 [1 favorite]


I'm uncomfortable with the level of "it's all in his head" in this post (or, from people who acknowledge that the boyfriend may be in actual pain, the level of "WELL HE NEEDS TO SORT IT OUT THEN").

As I think I've mentioned before on this site, I have vulvodynia. It's real and it sucks. A lot of women who have it can't even wear pants or underwear because of pain and sensitivity, let alone have and enjoy sex, but some only feel pain under some conditions, like when they're touched. And I don't exactly know, but maybe there's something like that for dicks too. Your boyfriend should definitely have himself checked out by a doctor, but I don't blame him if he just hasn't gotten there yet, especially if he's fixated on this circumcision thing (which I too am sceptical of as a cause for his problem, but then again what do I know). Lots of perfectly loving, generous, sensible, capable, proactive people don't go to the doctor when they should (if they even realise that they should), especially when it comes to something as intimate as their genitals and their sex life. There's also the fact that there are a lot of problems of this nature that doctors just don't seem to know what to do with, so even if your boyfriend has tried to bring this up with somebody, it's very possible that he was simply brushed off. Unfortunately, you have to be pushy about these things, and it's hard to do when you've never even heard of anybody having your problem, or you're embarrassed, or confused, or not sure yourself what's going on with you, or convinced, as your boyfriend seems to be, that you do already know what's wrong with you and that you're just doomed, end of story. Your boyfriend needs to realise that, whatever the cause of his problem, he owes it to himself (and to you) to pursue medical support for it until he gets it. He's really lucky to have someone like you who loves him and cares about him and wants to help him do that.

I would also like to say that, while it's terrific of you to stick with him under circumstances that are clearly very difficult for you too, you're not obligated to stay if the situation becomes untenable, in whatever way. While I think it's pretty unfair that a few people have gone ahead and made this all about your sick boyfriend's failure to "prioritize your needs" (wtf), it does seem to be true that he's so wrapped up in a) experiencing this problem while b) desperately sweeping it under the carpet that he's not realising how seriously it's affecting you and your relationship. That can't go on. This needs to be openly acknowledged as a problem for him and between the two of you, and once it is, that should be (and has to be) the end of his lashing out at you and testing you by telling you to find someone else, etc. Right now your attempts to talk about the problem are a threat to the situation he's trying, probably unconsciously, to establish, where he can pretend this isn't really a big deal and everything's OK - but he simply can't keep putting you off, or there won't be anything you can do but walk away. It's wonderful to help someone you love, and to be patient with them when they need it, but ultimately they have to let you help them, and they also have to take opportunities to help themselves. Good luck to you both.
posted by two or three cars parked under the stars at 5:40 PM on August 21, 2011 [2 favorites]


Wearing two condoms (or as many as you want, really) can help cut down on sensitivity. Have you tried anything like that?
posted by hermitosis at 6:05 PM on August 21, 2011


He's making conflicting statements. What is his real problem?

his penis is overly sensitive to any kind of direct stimulation (he finds touch painful)
vs
circumcised men do have fulfilling sex, but that they don't know exactly what they're missing (and that he does because he's spent such careful effort learning about it and understanding it), and that knowing what he's missing makes it unfulfilling.

As he would know if he's been busy studying anti-circumcision sites is that what those circumcised men are missing is more sensitivity. Except being too sensitive is exactly the physical problem he is reporting. So what is it: sex is unfulfilling because he's not sensitive enough or sex is unfulfilling because he's too sensitive?

Urologist is definitely in order, but it sounds like a penis pain is not the heart of the matter.
posted by asciident at 6:18 PM on August 21, 2011 [2 favorites]


I think it's time to make an appointment with a urologist to get to the root of the pain (it may have nothing to do with his circumcision--or everything, but diagnosing yourself on the internet is dangerous business) and revisit therapy. It sounds like he's in a bit of a spiral in his thinking and a therapist will help him find a way out.
posted by thinkingwoman at 7:44 PM on August 21, 2011


Ok, I somewhat hesitate to even mention this because I have no idea if it's legit or safe and I think many others in this thread have made very good suggestions about other, much saner ways of looking at this problem. But...someone mentioned to me recently that it's possible to gently, gradually (like, over the course of many months) stretch the skin of a circumcised penis over the head until you end up with basically a new pseudo-foreskin. Apparently with time this can go some way towards restoring the head to an uncircumcised-like condition. I'd never heard of such a thing and, again, stress that I have no idea if this is even actually possible, let alone a good idea. But if you talk to a doctor and it sounds safe enough, maybe taking the state of his penis back into his own hands would be helpful to him?
posted by ootandaboot at 8:11 PM on August 21, 2011


Response by poster: Yeah, it's painful in its own way to look at my strong efforts to accommodate him and his weaker efforts to accommodate me (not non-existent, just weak). One thing I consider is that I am stocked with years of reasonably healthy relationships with healthy sex, while he has had years of slightly dysfunctional relationships with minimal sexual interaction - his previous girlfriends were either not-ready for serious physical interaction or were inexperienced with dealing with complicated sexualities and sort of gave up. So I know what I'm missing in a healthy sex life, and I know I am capable of one, and he seems to not really *know* these things.

To clarify, he didn't seem to experience actual pain during intercourse - it was more like "hmm this is vaguely interesting but physically uncomfortable and I'm not really enjoying it." Part of the problem was a too-tight condom - I figured he'd go out and find the brand he considered tolerable in his few previous intercourse experiments with a previous girlfriend, but he never got around to that (this reminds me to ask him to try). But he doesn't seem asexual; he masturbates once or twice a day, he gets excited about sexy photos of me, we like looking at porn together, etc.

Houstonian/asciident: The best way I can explain his perspective is that he is unsatisfied with how his penis feels - he finds normal sexual activity uncomfortable but has figured out a way of masturbating where the discomfort is minimized. Also reminds me to ask him if he'd be willing to teach me how to do this for him.

It's vaguely possible that he's been persuaded by anti-circumcision material, but he's so sophisticated with critical thinking in other areas of our lives that I don't think he's just been duped. The idea of an OCD-type "thought loop" is interesting and possible.

He also has some seemingly normal-level insecurity about his overall appearance, so in general I've made an effort to tell him how attractive I find him and how much I want him.

So yeah, I need to bring this up again with him - I need to make it clear that we need to try new things instead of settling for the current state, and one of those things should include a specialist opinion. Such exhausting discussions, but necessary! Thanks again, everyone - I am already feeling a little better about this situation with more ideas for avenues to explore and a lot of confirmation that this really is important. :-)
posted by mysh at 8:14 PM on August 21, 2011


Lots of perfectly loving, generous, sensible, capable, proactive people don't go to the doctor when they should (if they even realise that they should), especially when it comes to something as intimate as their genitals and their sex life. There's also the fact that there are a lot of problems of this nature that doctors just don't seem to know what to do with, so even if your boyfriend has tried to bring this up with somebody, it's very possible that he was simply brushed off.

True dat.
posted by flabdablet at 8:45 PM on August 21, 2011


I think that if he loves you and wants the relationship to continue, he must be willing - even eager - to see a doctor to rule out any physical condition and, if necessary, a therapist to get his head straightened out. He should be as concerned about pleasing you sexually as you are about pleasing him sexually, and from your comments, it's clear that you very much want to make this work.

Unless there's something seriously wrong with him, you would be making a big mistake to accept this level of physical intimacy as enough - because it simply isn't enough. The fact that he masturbates twice a day successfully completely eliminates the whole idea of a painful penis. I'd be strongly suspicious that he's just happy masturbating and has little desire to change that situation, regardless of how it effects you.

I'd certainly insist he get some professional help - at both ends, if necessary - and I'd cool the relationship a bit until he does. You deserve more than you're getting from this deal.
posted by aryma at 10:18 PM on August 21, 2011


Are you able to discuss with him specifically what he finds unpleasant? Such as which parts of his penis, and what kind of touch? Any specific areas on the head or the shaft, or maybe his circumcision scar? Dry vs. wet, gentle vs. rough, flaccid vs. erect, penetration vs. stroking vs. licking or tickling, etc? If he's able to masturbate through fabric, is he willing to talk about ways to gradually vary that stimulation? Is it still uncomfortable through a condom?

A few answers here note a contradiction between being circumcised and being "overly sensitive," but if overly sensitive means "painful," this perhaps could be a result of circumcision. I remember this comment in a recent circumcision thread on the blue: "Erections are painful. Sex is very painful. Lubrication is minimally helpful." This could make sense if his skin is stretched too tight when he's erect, say, although it's hard to tell what might be going on from your description. Seeing a urologist seems worth a try. Maybe there's a physical issue totally unrelated to his being circumcised.

I relate to his feelings of sadness, which seem like a separate issue, so I'll share my experience with therapy since that seems to be off the table for you. (But if he's really so sad that he only wants to cuddle and won't even discuss other ways to be sexy with you, I do hope he'll consider therapy. Despite feeling sad at times, I still really enjoy helping a partner get off, because it's hot! And I've had plenty of naked fun that didn't involve touching my penis at all. Hopefully you're open to doing things not involving his penis, and have told him this. If he knows this but is not open to it, he needs to talk about it. And if he can't talk to you, he needs to talk to somebody else. He needs to want you to feel good, too, and it's not okay for him to continue disregarding your wants and needs.)

Anyway, I chose my current therapist (found her via Metafilter, yay!) partly because she specializes in sexual issues. I have a physical problem the opposite of your boyfriend's-- I don't feel pain, I just don't feel very much from intercourse or oral sex. I've seen past sex partners reacting with obvious pleasure during intercourse and I've been struck with a bit of sadness and envy because it often feels like almost nothing at all for me--happy to do it for them, but the main pleasure I get is from watching her reactions. I've done the research about circumcision and foreskins, too, and I feel angry and helpless about it-- I feel as though I've lost something valuable that I can't get back. My therapist did direct me to a urologist she trusts and I had some tests done. (Testosterone levels normal, blood flow normal, nothing unusual in appearance, and I had a sensitivity test, too. The urologist touched six different spots on my head and shaft with a modified vibrator attached to a gauge with a big knob. One spot at a time, he slowly turned up the power and asked me to say when I could feel the vibration, and that was it. I thought it was a flimsy test, but I tested in the "normal" range, whatever that supposedly signifies-- he didn't explain.)

The emotional part of therapy has involved talking about what I've learned in my research; how circumcision seems senseless and unnecessary; how no one really explained when I was growing up what had been done to me or why, and how most sex-ed materials didn't even show the foreskin in male anatomy illustrations; how some previous partners (not all) have been unsympathetic to my sadness and anger; how dismissive many people can be in general; my envy at what sensations my partners seem to feel compared to me; the thought of there being no way to get an apology from anyone involved in my being circumcised, either because they'll dismiss my feelings, say they didn't know any better, or even tout various benefits-- disease resistance, ability to fuck all night, etc. Not being able to have it undone. Basically it's about grieving the permanent loss of something you believe to be very valuable, and eventually moving on with your life and accepting all the other good things you have. Hearing people say that the feelings I have are invalid because they think I have the facts wrong has slowed that process for me.

So. I'm not your boyfriend, but I would appreciate a partner taking my sadness seriously and wanting to understand it better, and even sharing in my sadness over what I feel I've lost. Anger, frustration at the senselessness of it, all of it. And I would appreciate her saying that she wants me anyway, and that she wants to touch my body, and that she wants to make me feel sooo good and can we please explore together the best ways to do that? The same way he (should) want to make you feel good.
posted by Dixon Ticonderoga at 10:21 PM on August 21, 2011 [1 favorite]


Wearing two condoms (or as many as you want, really) can help cut down on sensitivity. Have you tried anything like that?

Wearing multiple condoms increases the likelihood that they will break due to the friction.
posted by munchingzombie at 10:24 PM on August 21, 2011


On non-preview, OP, you seem to be on top of a lot of the pertinent questions!
posted by Dixon Ticonderoga at 10:27 PM on August 21, 2011 [1 favorite]


Ooooh as a datapoint: circumcised male here. The first time someone other than me touched my penis it was incredibly sensitive. I actually think I had fear running through my body, like "oh my god my balls will be crushed" or something similar (but very subconscious, not an actual fear that I was thinking of). With practice (lots and lots and lots and lots of practice) I learned to chill out. And oral sex? I couldn't even handle it at first. Really, just way, way, way too skittish to the touch. But after many rounds of thoroughly enjoyable practice and deep breaths I was able to relax, to trust, and enjoy it. Maybe he is just working up an issue over this? Tell him practice makes perfect, that you are very patient and that you are willing to have lots of practice until he is not only capable but great. Wouldn't that be.... awesome?
posted by molecicco at 11:13 PM on August 21, 2011


I need to make it clear that we need to try new things instead of settling for the current state, and one of those things should include a specialist opinion. Such exhausting discussions, but necessary!

Yeah, those conversations can be tough.

What may help him is if you stress that you are doing this out of concern for him -- the danger I see is that he'll think you're trying to do this "for you", you know? "Oh, she just wants me to fix this because she wants more than what I can do." You've told us that he looks really unhappy with this, so stress that -- that he looks so defeated and that just breaks your heart, because there's no good reason for him to feel defeated yet, and he deserves to be happy.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 6:50 AM on August 22, 2011


I agree with all the "see a doctor" and "this has a big psychological component" answers, but also, if too much sensitivity is a problem, maybe consider numbing condoms?
posted by anotherthink at 10:25 AM on August 22, 2011


When he figured this out, he did a lot of very thorough research on foreskins and circumcision, and now thinking about his permanently-damaged penis makes him quite sad.

He didn't do that much research, or he would have come across an equal number of:

1) People just like him, who are sad about being circumcised. And
2) People the opposite of him, who despise their foreskins and get circumcised as adults.

I realize that most young guys are obsessed with their dorks, but the number of people who get all passionate about such a minor thing on internets is dumb.

That said, your bf has 2 problems: A medical one, for which he should see a doctor. And a psychological one, for which he should see a shrink.
posted by coolguymichael at 12:03 PM on August 22, 2011


I would actually think the opposite, as in without the foreskin the penis would be less sensitive, because it develops a harder skin along the exposed part.
He should consult an urologist and talk about that problem.
While there, he should ask him, as well as research solutions for over sensitive penis.
There are multiple solutions such as lubes and accessories and even light anesthetics for extreme cases. Be careful because pain protects you from hurting yourself more, and anything that fools your brain to ignore the pain can be dangerous.
posted by aadf at 2:32 PM on August 22, 2011


Oh, mysh. This sounds so not good. Here's a guy who's happy to masturbate himself twice a day, but hasn't even gotten around to getting more comfortable condoms? Not that condoms alone will solve this level of difficulties, but the difference in the amount of work each of you is willing to put in (forgive the expression) to ensure you are both having your needs met is just... really disheartening.

You don't need an uncircumcised guy, you need someone who's as invested in this relationship as you are. You can't fix this by yourself, and he doesn't seem all that motivated to find solutions. If nothing will deter you from this relationship and a therapist is off the table, at least insist he see a urologist, if not a sex therapist. Good luck to you both, and please remember you have just as much a right to a fulfilling sex life as he does.
posted by Space Kitty at 7:19 PM on August 22, 2011 [2 favorites]


Response by poster: A few months later - I figure I should write a follow-up! (Short version: Yeah, there are multiple complicated things going on with this guy, and I need to sort out my feelings and probably move on.)

A bunch of you were right that focusing on the circumcision angst was only looking at one part of the problem. I now believe there are multiple important parts:

1) His work is so stressful and takes up so much of his time that he isn't really interested in frequently taking time out to do something fun that is also hard work, like sex. He wants to reduce the stressfulness of his work and do something he likes better instead, but that isn't possible at the moment.
2) He is overweight and very sedentary, with a weak knee and general health issues, so the exercise of sex isn't very appealing to him.
3) For whatever reason, his sexual interests are kinky and only kinky. Genital contact just isn't an exciting concept to him.
4) He finds contact with his penis to generally be uncomfortable, probably partly due to his circumcision, which maybe took off a bit more skin than is normally removed. (Me asking him to get a second opinion from a urologist didn't go anywhere.)

We tried having intercourse again a month or two ago, and the good thing was that me finding a better-fitting condom for him made the activity feel mildly nice for him, but the bad thing is that the experience was so awkward and weird to me that I'm not terribly interested in trying again unless he randomly gets an impulse to convince me that he'll try a lot harder to compromise between our different preferences.

I'm working on figuring out the unwieldy HMO logistics so that I can see a therapist just for me; this relationship is difficult enough for me that I think I'd benefit from sorting out my feelings with a neutral person and overcoming some unhealthy thought patterns, probably resulting in breaking up with him, but I feel I need to strengthen up first because the whole experience of being with him has revealed important weaknesses in me that I want to improve.

Thank you again to everyone for taking this seriously! It's hard to talk about this with anybody I know in real life, so it's really helpful to see other people acknowledging that I have legitimate concerns. :)
posted by mysh at 3:38 PM on December 14, 2011


Thank you so much for writing this update! I'm wishing you the best.
posted by ferdydurke at 3:51 PM on December 14, 2011


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