My Reasons
August 19, 2011 5:45 PM Subscribe
How to respond when family members ask why I don't want to move back to my hometown after university?
So, as some of you may know, this has been something that has been on my mind for quite some time now. I never really thought I'd have to provide anyone with answers as to why I did not want to return back to my hometown besides the generic "I want to start something new in my life" response, but today my sister asked me why, and so, I told her the truth which clearly upset her. I realize that my answers were difficult for her to hear and I felt like such a terrible person after I noticed that she was trying to hold back her tears, so I apologized quite a few times. She said that it's fine, but I would like to know how to respond in the future because I felt like I hurt her which isn't something that I intended on doing.
The following are answers that I provided my sister with:
-I do not get along with my parents because we have very conflicting values and perspectives
-I do not get along with my 30 year old brother and so I would feel uncomfortable living in the same house with people that I did not get along with
-My dad had alcohol issues that he was dealing with before I left for university, so I prefer living on my own because there is more stability
-I had a very difficult high school experience (bullied by the people that I once thought of as friends), so my experiences in my hometown are not necessarily all fond memories
-I desperately crave changes in my life
-I want to truly create something for myself and be as self-sufficient as possible after university
-I would appreciate life more and develop into a better person if I lived alone and had to provide for myself
-I want my 20s to consist of a lot of different social experiences which I missed out on during my adolescence
My sister and I are close, but I don't think she knew many of these reasons. I asked her to please try to understand it from my perspective because I love her and my family, but I need to do this for myself (i.e. living on my own and in a different city) because I need to ensure that I am happy. I told her that I think about her a lot and that it's not easy being away from her because she is one of my best friends, but it's better for me to live apart from them. I also told her that she could always visit me or call me and that we could visit a lot if I lived an hour away from her, but she told me that our schedules will become busier and it will be more difficult to meet, especially since she intends on moving to Australia after university.
Some additional background info: my parents and I haven't truly talked for a while. I don't speak to my dad on the phone, but whenever I call my mom we always communicate using one-word answers. I think my sister feels stressed out because she cried yesterday when I told her that I didn't like how my mother criticized certain people about their religion while on Facebook. She told me that she feels like she is torn in the middle because she tries to understand it from my perspective, but that my mom just complains about who I am as a person and what I value because it isn't what she expected. I guess, I would ultimately like to know how to handle this situation. I apologize if I seem like a heartless person, believe it or not, I truly care about my family but I need to ensure that I can grow as a person and become happy with the changes in my life and the changes in me, as a person.
I apologize for the length of this post, but I hope you can help me figure out how to deal with this type of situation in the future. How can I respond in a polite, yet honest way when asked why I don't want to move back to my hometown?
P.S. I realize that I created a similar question not too long ago, but I would like an answer that relates more to the reasons listed. Please let me know if I should remove this/ask someone to remove this post.
So, as some of you may know, this has been something that has been on my mind for quite some time now. I never really thought I'd have to provide anyone with answers as to why I did not want to return back to my hometown besides the generic "I want to start something new in my life" response, but today my sister asked me why, and so, I told her the truth which clearly upset her. I realize that my answers were difficult for her to hear and I felt like such a terrible person after I noticed that she was trying to hold back her tears, so I apologized quite a few times. She said that it's fine, but I would like to know how to respond in the future because I felt like I hurt her which isn't something that I intended on doing.
The following are answers that I provided my sister with:
-I do not get along with my parents because we have very conflicting values and perspectives
-I do not get along with my 30 year old brother and so I would feel uncomfortable living in the same house with people that I did not get along with
-My dad had alcohol issues that he was dealing with before I left for university, so I prefer living on my own because there is more stability
-I had a very difficult high school experience (bullied by the people that I once thought of as friends), so my experiences in my hometown are not necessarily all fond memories
-I desperately crave changes in my life
-I want to truly create something for myself and be as self-sufficient as possible after university
-I would appreciate life more and develop into a better person if I lived alone and had to provide for myself
-I want my 20s to consist of a lot of different social experiences which I missed out on during my adolescence
My sister and I are close, but I don't think she knew many of these reasons. I asked her to please try to understand it from my perspective because I love her and my family, but I need to do this for myself (i.e. living on my own and in a different city) because I need to ensure that I am happy. I told her that I think about her a lot and that it's not easy being away from her because she is one of my best friends, but it's better for me to live apart from them. I also told her that she could always visit me or call me and that we could visit a lot if I lived an hour away from her, but she told me that our schedules will become busier and it will be more difficult to meet, especially since she intends on moving to Australia after university.
Some additional background info: my parents and I haven't truly talked for a while. I don't speak to my dad on the phone, but whenever I call my mom we always communicate using one-word answers. I think my sister feels stressed out because she cried yesterday when I told her that I didn't like how my mother criticized certain people about their religion while on Facebook. She told me that she feels like she is torn in the middle because she tries to understand it from my perspective, but that my mom just complains about who I am as a person and what I value because it isn't what she expected. I guess, I would ultimately like to know how to handle this situation. I apologize if I seem like a heartless person, believe it or not, I truly care about my family but I need to ensure that I can grow as a person and become happy with the changes in my life and the changes in me, as a person.
I apologize for the length of this post, but I hope you can help me figure out how to deal with this type of situation in the future. How can I respond in a polite, yet honest way when asked why I don't want to move back to my hometown?
P.S. I realize that I created a similar question not too long ago, but I would like an answer that relates more to the reasons listed. Please let me know if I should remove this/ask someone to remove this post.
Best answer: OP, you don't have to justify your decision to anyone -- seriously. If you want to say anything, you can just say oh, I want a change of scenery or some other generic answer. Do NOT feel like you have to explain yourself. It's no one's business but yours.
Another tactic you could use (though, again, you do not need to) is by focusing on why you are moving TO New Place rather than why you are LEAVING Hometown. "I found a great job in New Place" or "I really want to check out life in New Place" or what have you.
posted by pupstocks at 6:02 PM on August 19, 2011 [11 favorites]
Another tactic you could use (though, again, you do not need to) is by focusing on why you are moving TO New Place rather than why you are LEAVING Hometown. "I found a great job in New Place" or "I really want to check out life in New Place" or what have you.
posted by pupstocks at 6:02 PM on August 19, 2011 [11 favorites]
It's totally normal to want to move away from your hometown. Even people with wonderful family relationships do it. If you want to avoid drama, stick with positive reasons: You want to see more of the world. You want to be more self-sufficient. You want to experience life on your own. Avoid words like "desperately," "conflicting," "alcohol," "missed out" and "do not get along." If you want to discuss your negative feelings about your family with your sister or anyone else, you can do so in your own way and in your own time. You aren't obligated to do so in response to this or any other question.
posted by Wordwoman at 6:06 PM on August 19, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by Wordwoman at 6:06 PM on August 19, 2011 [1 favorite]
You did the right thing by telling the whole story to your sister (and she is moving to Australia! You're not the only one who feels the need to be out of your hometown!), but for those outside your family some of your answers are perfectly reasonable and polite:
"I desperately crave changes in my life
I want to truly create something for myself and be as self-sufficient as possible after university
I would appreciate life more and develop into a better person if I lived alone and had to provide for myself."
I moved from New Zealand to Canada for some of the same reasons you've cited, and I provided the same answers to those who asked, with no problems whatsoever. Close friends can receive more information, as you choose to give it. You are not heartless: it sounds like you are doing the very best for yourself. No need to beat yourself up in the slightest.
posted by Bora Horza Gobuchul at 6:09 PM on August 19, 2011 [1 favorite]
"I desperately crave changes in my life
I want to truly create something for myself and be as self-sufficient as possible after university
I would appreciate life more and develop into a better person if I lived alone and had to provide for myself."
I moved from New Zealand to Canada for some of the same reasons you've cited, and I provided the same answers to those who asked, with no problems whatsoever. Close friends can receive more information, as you choose to give it. You are not heartless: it sounds like you are doing the very best for yourself. No need to beat yourself up in the slightest.
posted by Bora Horza Gobuchul at 6:09 PM on August 19, 2011 [1 favorite]
Agreeing with the advice to focus on the positive. It's perfectly reasonable to want to try a new place after university (especially given the reasons you've listed) but no one needs to know about the tough stuff. When I moved away from home I had to insist to my mother that I needed to learn how to be an adult and not rely on other people, which thankfully made enough sense to her that she stopped clinging so much.
posted by brilliantine at 6:18 PM on August 19, 2011
posted by brilliantine at 6:18 PM on August 19, 2011
People don't necessarily want to hear the hard truths about their lives, which is pretty much what you served up to her on a platter. It sounds like it would be easier for everyone - including her - if you don't go back, and it's probably enough to say that to her. Assure her you'll do lots of skyping and chatting.
Your friends don't really need the gory details either; that's kind of a lot to digest for them too. "I need to go out and see the world, I can't wait!" is probably detail enough.
posted by Lyn Never at 6:21 PM on August 19, 2011
Your friends don't really need the gory details either; that's kind of a lot to digest for them too. "I need to go out and see the world, I can't wait!" is probably detail enough.
posted by Lyn Never at 6:21 PM on August 19, 2011
Yeah... I moved 400 miles away to college, ended up working 8,000 miles away, and I love my family to bits. Never mind the family politics - "There's a whole big world out there and I want to explore it", is all the explanation you owe anyone.
posted by penguin pie at 6:23 PM on August 19, 2011 [7 favorites]
posted by penguin pie at 6:23 PM on August 19, 2011 [7 favorites]
I agree with others. Don't give out the messy details. Keep it simple - "I am happy here." "This is where I want to live." "I want to see new things." Make it about you, not them. They might not like it, but they will like it more than if you tell them all those reasons you laid out for your sister.
posted by kendrak at 6:36 PM on August 19, 2011
posted by kendrak at 6:36 PM on August 19, 2011
Best answer: Sarcasm/deflection: "Oh, don't you know? I'm not supposed to move back home till I'm 35 and divorced with kids." or "Ah, c'mon. With this economy, I'll be home within 6 months."
Reframing: "I really think this is a good chance to me to stake out my career and life on my own."
Career: "I'm really interested in X and there are opportunity for both X and Y, another of my interests here." or "I've built up a solid network and I believe town ABC will provide more options.:
Lifestyle: "I really love the lifestyle here." or "I love it here" or "I'm so happy here!"
You can tell them the truth, though, but that's a lot to unload on casual acquaintances or if you're dealing with people who grew up in the same household environment as you. You may have to deal with their reactions. If you can, that's great. But it's also okay to find another way to answer them.
posted by Chaussette and the Pussy Cats at 6:38 PM on August 19, 2011 [1 favorite]
Reframing: "I really think this is a good chance to me to stake out my career and life on my own."
Career: "I'm really interested in X and there are opportunity for both X and Y, another of my interests here." or "I've built up a solid network and I believe town ABC will provide more options.:
Lifestyle: "I really love the lifestyle here." or "I love it here" or "I'm so happy here!"
You can tell them the truth, though, but that's a lot to unload on casual acquaintances or if you're dealing with people who grew up in the same household environment as you. You may have to deal with their reactions. If you can, that's great. But it's also okay to find another way to answer them.
posted by Chaussette and the Pussy Cats at 6:38 PM on August 19, 2011 [1 favorite]
"There are more job opportunities where I currently am."
posted by mleigh at 7:25 PM on August 19, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by mleigh at 7:25 PM on August 19, 2011 [1 favorite]
If you focus on the second half of your list (changes, create, appreciate, 20s) it stays about you wanting to challenge yourself, something that you are in a better position to do at this point in your life when you are not tied down by social or financial obligations (you have loans, I assume, but are not married with a morgage). You've explained yourself to your sister. Let your mom be annoyed with you a little. It is totally normal to want a chance to stretch your wings - keep that perspective on it. Move away from home because you want to be somewhere else - not just because you don't want to be there.
Also, if you're of a mind for country music, go listen to "Wide Open Spaces" by the Dixie Chicks.
posted by maryr at 7:57 PM on August 19, 2011 [1 favorite]
Also, if you're of a mind for country music, go listen to "Wide Open Spaces" by the Dixie Chicks.
posted by maryr at 7:57 PM on August 19, 2011 [1 favorite]
Wait. Your sister is younger than you, do I have that right?
Man, that's tough. Your sister sounds like a sensitive and well meaning soul. Even though she's upset, I think it is very positive you told her the truth.
It's fine if you cite career goals with everyone else who might ask. But I am glad you told your sister the truth.
What's been said is done. Make sure your sister gets to Australia. Make sure your sister gets to Australia.
posted by jbenben at 8:52 PM on August 19, 2011 [2 favorites]
Man, that's tough. Your sister sounds like a sensitive and well meaning soul. Even though she's upset, I think it is very positive you told her the truth.
It's fine if you cite career goals with everyone else who might ask. But I am glad you told your sister the truth.
What's been said is done. Make sure your sister gets to Australia. Make sure your sister gets to Australia.
posted by jbenben at 8:52 PM on August 19, 2011 [2 favorites]
Best answer: Agree with the above that you should stick with the "I just want to try something new" response. It may take a while for your family members to accept it, and maybe some may never accept it. But that's part of growing up--learning how to live your life in the way that's best for you.
Your sister may not actually be upset about the reasons you provided. She may be upset because she is also unhappy there, and feels trapped by a sense of obligation to stay with your parents, and perhaps jealous that you are moving on with your life. Or she may just miss you a lot and feel sad that she's not enough to keep you home. Or it may just be that she is bearing the brunt of your mom's complaining, and feels torn between defending you to them and ameliorating your mother's unhappiness. These are all normal.
You're not a bad child for not wanting to return home after school. It's not disloyal. Your mom and sister will get used to it. If it's what's best for you, it's what's best for you. There are plenty of sacrifices to be made in the future--once you have a partner, perhaps children, a career, a mortgage. If you don't give yourself this, you'll regret it for the rest of your life.
Good luck. Looking back on it a year or five from now, this won't seem like such a big conflict. Consider the long run, and keep it in mind when you say, "I just want to try something different with my life before I get too tied down."
posted by thinkingwoman at 8:59 PM on August 19, 2011 [1 favorite]
Your sister may not actually be upset about the reasons you provided. She may be upset because she is also unhappy there, and feels trapped by a sense of obligation to stay with your parents, and perhaps jealous that you are moving on with your life. Or she may just miss you a lot and feel sad that she's not enough to keep you home. Or it may just be that she is bearing the brunt of your mom's complaining, and feels torn between defending you to them and ameliorating your mother's unhappiness. These are all normal.
You're not a bad child for not wanting to return home after school. It's not disloyal. Your mom and sister will get used to it. If it's what's best for you, it's what's best for you. There are plenty of sacrifices to be made in the future--once you have a partner, perhaps children, a career, a mortgage. If you don't give yourself this, you'll regret it for the rest of your life.
Good luck. Looking back on it a year or five from now, this won't seem like such a big conflict. Consider the long run, and keep it in mind when you say, "I just want to try something different with my life before I get too tied down."
posted by thinkingwoman at 8:59 PM on August 19, 2011 [1 favorite]
Does it matter what people think?
Since you plan to move away, you don't need to worry about having to deal with them on a casual day-to-day basis.
So give them the truth, and keep those who can accept that as friends, and the rest, who needs 'em?
posted by pla at 9:01 PM on August 19, 2011
Since you plan to move away, you don't need to worry about having to deal with them on a casual day-to-day basis.
So give them the truth, and keep those who can accept that as friends, and the rest, who needs 'em?
posted by pla at 9:01 PM on August 19, 2011
I winced when I read out that list of grievances. Nobody wants to hear that. I'm thinking your sister only asked you why in a fit of worry that you were avoiding/abandoning her by refusing to move home. In any case, telling someone who still lives in Place A that "Place A sucks because ____ and all the people you know were jerks to me" is going to be a huge slap in the face, no wonder she's reeling from it!
In the future, I'd suggest focusing on the positives. "There are more opportunities for me in Place B" "I need a change of scenery for a while" "I feel like I really belong in Place B". Nobody really wants to know why when the why is depressing. They just want to hear reassurances that it's not them you're leaving.
posted by buteo at 3:12 AM on August 20, 2011
In the future, I'd suggest focusing on the positives. "There are more opportunities for me in Place B" "I need a change of scenery for a while" "I feel like I really belong in Place B". Nobody really wants to know why when the why is depressing. They just want to hear reassurances that it's not them you're leaving.
posted by buteo at 3:12 AM on August 20, 2011
I'm from a culture where people, especially women, stay with their parents until they get married and sometimes even after. So I get the, 'but WHY don't you want to stay wth your parents?' question a lot from my extended family, with added subtle implications that I must be a BAD DAUGHTER for not moving back with my mom the second I'm done with school.
In all honesty? It's none of their damn business. The only people to whom you owe anywhere near the truth, if at all, are your immediate family- your parents and siblings. Anyone else, just tell them that you thought it was time for a change, or that you want to spread your wings a little bit. It's close enough to the truth without bringing up all the thorny stuff.
posted by Tamanna at 3:17 AM on August 20, 2011
In all honesty? It's none of their damn business. The only people to whom you owe anywhere near the truth, if at all, are your immediate family- your parents and siblings. Anyone else, just tell them that you thought it was time for a change, or that you want to spread your wings a little bit. It's close enough to the truth without bringing up all the thorny stuff.
posted by Tamanna at 3:17 AM on August 20, 2011
"I'm young and I want to check out some other places. Who knows, I may end up back home someday!"
posted by thinkpiece at 3:48 AM on August 20, 2011
posted by thinkpiece at 3:48 AM on August 20, 2011
Some people feel the need to go through the details item by item in order to justify their decisions to others. Details can be helpful, but they can also obscure the simplicity of a situation.
"I'm an adult and this is something I want to do." It's as simple as that.
Life is for living. Live yours.
posted by 2oh1 at 11:16 AM on August 20, 2011
"I'm an adult and this is something I want to do." It's as simple as that.
Life is for living. Live yours.
posted by 2oh1 at 11:16 AM on August 20, 2011
Don't say "Sproingfield sucks" to people living in Sproingfield. Say "I'm really excited about moving to Metropolis and seeing different parts of the world. It's not too far to get back home" which is true, and even if it's easy to get back home, you don't have to. I left my home town far behind, which is kind of a drag when it comes to not having family nearby, but not having dysfunctional family nearby is good.
posted by theora55 at 12:27 PM on August 20, 2011
posted by theora55 at 12:27 PM on August 20, 2011
This thread is closed to new comments.
You are in no way a terrible or unloving person for wanting to develop apart from your nuclear family. You can love them but feel the need for independence.
posted by verbyournouns at 5:56 PM on August 19, 2011 [1 favorite]