I want to watch her have sex with someone she loves.
August 11, 2011 10:10 AM Subscribe
How can I encourage my SO to go solo..and let me watch? NSFW details inside.
My wife and I have a good relationship. We have great sex. We talk about it and we've been able to discuss likes and dislikes and problems. She loves PIV, it's her favorite even though she doesn't orgasm. I usually help her out with some manual clit stimulation. She's very specific about what she likes. She makes requests of me occasionally (I comply usually) but when I suggest some changes she says "I know what I like."
She is seriously self conscience about masturbating in front of me. I've requested it and on very rare occasions she puts on a show. But she usually rolls her eyes and gets all nervous and squeamish.
We both grew up in a religious background that at best ignored and denied masturbation and at worse labeled you a deviant. Religious figures "encouraged" you to quit, forever. Both of us masturbated under the radar when we were younger. We both felt shame and embarrassment. I've dealt with the guilt issues and am OK with the practice. I'm not sure she's gotten over the sense of shame. Both of us rarely masturbate alone now. We get mostly get our satisfaction from each other.
I've tired telling her how hot she looks when she's stimulating herself. I tell her how much it turns me on when she does it. I usually go right for the PIV when she's done or nearly done. It turns me on A LOT!
So, how do I help her lose that self-conscientiousness ? How do I impress on her how hot she is?
How do I help her get into the act?
She says she likes the physical touch, the weight of me on her. Can any one, help me understand that? I can't wrap my brain around it?
I don't think I'm putting a lot of pressure on her. Recently I decided to stop the requests because it seems like I might be annoying her about it.
She usually has a mild to moderate orgasm from masturbation. I've told her I'll help her with a very intense orgasm( she can have multiples pretty frequently.)
Any advice hive mind?
Finally, I'm OK if this is just not her "thing." We have good sex, I can't complain, really.
Other details: We are hetero M/F married. No physical/mental/abuse issues.
My wife and I have a good relationship. We have great sex. We talk about it and we've been able to discuss likes and dislikes and problems. She loves PIV, it's her favorite even though she doesn't orgasm. I usually help her out with some manual clit stimulation. She's very specific about what she likes. She makes requests of me occasionally (I comply usually) but when I suggest some changes she says "I know what I like."
She is seriously self conscience about masturbating in front of me. I've requested it and on very rare occasions she puts on a show. But she usually rolls her eyes and gets all nervous and squeamish.
We both grew up in a religious background that at best ignored and denied masturbation and at worse labeled you a deviant. Religious figures "encouraged" you to quit, forever. Both of us masturbated under the radar when we were younger. We both felt shame and embarrassment. I've dealt with the guilt issues and am OK with the practice. I'm not sure she's gotten over the sense of shame. Both of us rarely masturbate alone now. We get mostly get our satisfaction from each other.
I've tired telling her how hot she looks when she's stimulating herself. I tell her how much it turns me on when she does it. I usually go right for the PIV when she's done or nearly done. It turns me on A LOT!
So, how do I help her lose that self-conscientiousness ? How do I impress on her how hot she is?
How do I help her get into the act?
She says she likes the physical touch, the weight of me on her. Can any one, help me understand that? I can't wrap my brain around it?
I don't think I'm putting a lot of pressure on her. Recently I decided to stop the requests because it seems like I might be annoying her about it.
She usually has a mild to moderate orgasm from masturbation. I've told her I'll help her with a very intense orgasm( she can have multiples pretty frequently.)
Any advice hive mind?
Finally, I'm OK if this is just not her "thing." We have good sex, I can't complain, really.
Other details: We are hetero M/F married. No physical/mental/abuse issues.
She says she likes the physical touch, the weight of me on her. Can any one, help me understand that? I can't wrap my brain around it?
Here's a way to think of it: sunshine on gorgeous day, would you want it on just your arm and have it shining on your whole body? If you like swimming, would you rather stick just your arm in it or dive in? Human skin is another sensuous organ.
Also, she's probably enjoying your scent, the motion of your body and the feel of it not only on hers, but being able to run her hands all over you.
How do I impress on her how hot she is?
You're talking about how you view her, not how she views herself, so you're probably losing her right there. It's what you want, you haven't shown her how doing it can make her feel good.
You've made your desire known. She isn't interested. Drop it for now.
If you still want to try and convince her, mutually masturbating each other in showers or the baths together or when fooling around would probably be a good start.
Pick up a novel of erotic poetry or stories and try reading them to her. Reading that to her in a dark or mostly dark room might be exciting for both you.
But ultimately, this just might be her thing and you'll have to accept that.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 10:30 AM on August 11, 2011
Here's a way to think of it: sunshine on gorgeous day, would you want it on just your arm and have it shining on your whole body? If you like swimming, would you rather stick just your arm in it or dive in? Human skin is another sensuous organ.
Also, she's probably enjoying your scent, the motion of your body and the feel of it not only on hers, but being able to run her hands all over you.
How do I impress on her how hot she is?
You're talking about how you view her, not how she views herself, so you're probably losing her right there. It's what you want, you haven't shown her how doing it can make her feel good.
You've made your desire known. She isn't interested. Drop it for now.
If you still want to try and convince her, mutually masturbating each other in showers or the baths together or when fooling around would probably be a good start.
Pick up a novel of erotic poetry or stories and try reading them to her. Reading that to her in a dark or mostly dark room might be exciting for both you.
But ultimately, this just might be her thing and you'll have to accept that.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 10:30 AM on August 11, 2011
i come from the same sort of background! we were even given pamphlets that suggested self-bondage to keep from masturbating (boy howdy did that backfire on them!). i get very shy when i'm being watched - which seems weird if you know how sexually outgoing i am - but there's this part of me that feels like the same 9 year old girl who just got caught by her parents.
one of the ways i got over it was mutual masturbation, i don't mean you guys touching each other, i mean you guys laying next to each other touching yourselves. i found it the most comfortable when my partner would start without me and i could just watch him for a minute. the main thing is, though, in the beginning he couldn't look at me at all. he had to pretend i wasn't even there. after enough of this i got comfortable enough to do it more freely and openly, but even now there's a world of difference between putting on a show and getting myself off. sometimes if he's not up for jacking off, he helps me, but without really watching me - like he plays with my tits and rubs my belly and sucks on my neck, all sorts of things that involve him and bring him back into the act with me instead of me feeling like i'm on a stage, needing to please.
about the physical pressure - uh, yeah, that's me 100%. my husband does this really great trick when i'm masturbating to sort of lay half on top of me (where i still have free movement of my arm/hand/etc), he presses his chest against mine and then pulls my face into his shoulder. this gives me the pressure and closeness, and very conveniently makes it so i can't watch him watch me and i have the most incredible intense orgasms.
in the end though, it really might not be her thing and all the suggestions in the world won't get her there. the best case scenario would be if she asked this question, "how can i become more comfortable masturbating in front of my husband?" because if she's not asking that question, there's no way you can answer it. you can't want this enough for the both of you.
posted by nadawi at 10:38 AM on August 11, 2011 [10 favorites]
one of the ways i got over it was mutual masturbation, i don't mean you guys touching each other, i mean you guys laying next to each other touching yourselves. i found it the most comfortable when my partner would start without me and i could just watch him for a minute. the main thing is, though, in the beginning he couldn't look at me at all. he had to pretend i wasn't even there. after enough of this i got comfortable enough to do it more freely and openly, but even now there's a world of difference between putting on a show and getting myself off. sometimes if he's not up for jacking off, he helps me, but without really watching me - like he plays with my tits and rubs my belly and sucks on my neck, all sorts of things that involve him and bring him back into the act with me instead of me feeling like i'm on a stage, needing to please.
about the physical pressure - uh, yeah, that's me 100%. my husband does this really great trick when i'm masturbating to sort of lay half on top of me (where i still have free movement of my arm/hand/etc), he presses his chest against mine and then pulls my face into his shoulder. this gives me the pressure and closeness, and very conveniently makes it so i can't watch him watch me and i have the most incredible intense orgasms.
in the end though, it really might not be her thing and all the suggestions in the world won't get her there. the best case scenario would be if she asked this question, "how can i become more comfortable masturbating in front of my husband?" because if she's not asking that question, there's no way you can answer it. you can't want this enough for the both of you.
posted by nadawi at 10:38 AM on August 11, 2011 [10 favorites]
oh, another way i just thought of to ease her into it if she's interested - do it in a completely dark room, one where you can only feel her and smell her and feel the bed moving. she might even be comfortable with a role playing of you being asleep - go to bed 20 minutes early, do your best pretending to be asleep, she'll get comfy, start things up, and when she orgasms you can jump on her and start fucking her, whispering in her ear how beautiful she is and how much she turns you on when she turns herself on.
but, that's the thing with the beautiful/hot/sexy comments -they sort of have to come at the exact right time. if my husband were trying to convince me of how sexy he found me masturbating before i did it,t hat would make me feel more freaked out, not less. i think you might be confused as to why she isn't comfortable. i'd be surprised if it was because she thought you didn't like the way it looked. it is probably all about how she feels in her skin and how she feels being watched. not everyone is an exhibitionist.
posted by nadawi at 10:43 AM on August 11, 2011 [1 favorite]
but, that's the thing with the beautiful/hot/sexy comments -they sort of have to come at the exact right time. if my husband were trying to convince me of how sexy he found me masturbating before i did it,t hat would make me feel more freaked out, not less. i think you might be confused as to why she isn't comfortable. i'd be surprised if it was because she thought you didn't like the way it looked. it is probably all about how she feels in her skin and how she feels being watched. not everyone is an exhibitionist.
posted by nadawi at 10:43 AM on August 11, 2011 [1 favorite]
Has she given hand jobs? Sharing the touching and "doing" each other might be a slow and fun way to chip away at the feeling she has of a need to be private. Vibrators are wonderful boosters of course, as are your lips on her ass while she brings herself off.
posted by Freedomboy at 10:51 AM on August 11, 2011
posted by Freedomboy at 10:51 AM on August 11, 2011
I'll echo what nadawi said - make it more intimate so it doesn't give her the feeling she's on display. Maybe get into a spooning position while she's doing this and do some light kissing and touching. That way you're in physical contact and interacting with her while she's doing it, and she can't see you watching her.
posted by MillMan at 2:30 PM on August 11, 2011 [3 favorites]
posted by MillMan at 2:30 PM on August 11, 2011 [3 favorites]
Go with nadawi and MillMan, it works. She'll feel the closeness and not be too self-conscious when she can't see you watching. Do some kissing and touching, it will seem like your attention is elsewhere so she can relax and not worry about how she looks to you. You can also try starting for her then once she's in the mood, get her to take over. I think lay off the compliments till she's done though, they just remind her that you're watching.
It might take time before she gradually feels more daring or it might really not be her thing, just give it a try.
posted by accisse at 11:38 PM on August 11, 2011
It might take time before she gradually feels more daring or it might really not be her thing, just give it a try.
posted by accisse at 11:38 PM on August 11, 2011
Maybe start with mutual masturbation or even masturbating each other. Would she compromise and lay there while you masturbated her, telling her the whole time how beautiful she is, how much you love watching her etc.
She might not be up for it, but if you bought in a little VERY light bondage, a light scarf over her eyes or loosing tying her hands or both (unless of course she's into that then you can do whatever she is comfortable with), while you masturbated her. That can help assuage some of the guilt as it's "out of her control" and being done to her and not by her, if that makes sense.
Also if you are the one "in control" and doing the masturbating you can touch her other places, even lean over her while doing it so she gets the feel of your body. If you make sure she has a really good time the first time, then next time maybe slowly guide her hand down to touch herself just lightly maybe something like "man you should feel how wet you are" and then no pressure to keep her hand there and work up to it slowly. Or maybe get her to touch herself other places like her breasts that feel nice while you are making her feel good.
No means No of course, but there are lots of compromises in the middle and I think you've done the right thing backing off. For her its a big scary deep pond to jump into. Maybe help her splash around in the shallows for a while and she might want to slowly work her way out there on her own.
posted by wwax at 7:19 AM on August 15, 2011
She might not be up for it, but if you bought in a little VERY light bondage, a light scarf over her eyes or loosing tying her hands or both (unless of course she's into that then you can do whatever she is comfortable with), while you masturbated her. That can help assuage some of the guilt as it's "out of her control" and being done to her and not by her, if that makes sense.
Also if you are the one "in control" and doing the masturbating you can touch her other places, even lean over her while doing it so she gets the feel of your body. If you make sure she has a really good time the first time, then next time maybe slowly guide her hand down to touch herself just lightly maybe something like "man you should feel how wet you are" and then no pressure to keep her hand there and work up to it slowly. Or maybe get her to touch herself other places like her breasts that feel nice while you are making her feel good.
No means No of course, but there are lots of compromises in the middle and I think you've done the right thing backing off. For her its a big scary deep pond to jump into. Maybe help her splash around in the shallows for a while and she might want to slowly work her way out there on her own.
posted by wwax at 7:19 AM on August 15, 2011
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Tell your wife one last time that you find her beautiful and that the thought of her fingering herself in front of you just makes you want to die from joy, so if she's ever interested in doing it, you'd love to take it all in. Then just continue to tell her you find her beautiful, sexy, etc, and then focus on helping her feel good during sex. That's what matters.
posted by These Birds of a Feather at 10:23 AM on August 11, 2011