Can't we just be Facebook friends?
August 11, 2011 6:58 AM Subscribe
Do I tell her she's not invited to the wedding? Or do I just continue to blow her off for the next year?
I have a... well, I'm not sure what she is. I'll call her Jane. I do consider Jane a (sort of?) friend, but I'm not especially close with her or anything. If she was in town, I might enjoy grabbing a beer with her, but I wouldn't invite her to stay at my place or anything. Jane used to date one of my other good friends, I'll call him Joe. So we spent a lot of time together when her and Joe were together, and I appreciated her being around as a female friend. She's intense and moody sometimes, but also sweet and caring. She can be really flattering, as, yes, sometimes interesting and fun to talk with. I'm a pretty open person, and we shared some real stuff together, but truth be told, I think it all meant more to her than it did to me. Anyway, Joe and Jane break up-- this is a year and a half ago now-- there's some drama after but it passes, and I just sort of assume that because Jane lives in another state, we can remain acquaintances, say hi every now and then, maybe catch up from time to time, but we're not BFFs. Not even close.
But every few moths, Jane attempts to make contact with me-- emailing she can't wait to visit some time soon (she's hasn't visited, and I haven't invited her or lead her on about this) calling up just to chat, or commenting on my FB wall. It's kind of weird, but also, OK, so she's lonely or just likes me and I'm not great at just blowing people off completely. Sometimes I'll write a quick note back, sometimes not. If I do, it's very brief "Hey Jane! I'm doing good too, I'm up to x. Good luck with your new job!" I called her once (why??) last November just to say hi after she'd attempted to make contact. I probably shouldn't have. She's apparently not so good with this let's-just -be -good -acquaintances thing.
Anyway, I'm getting married next summer, and already Jane's called me and emailed me... just saying hi, but also asking about how the wedding plans are going...ugh, I don't know if I want to blow her off completely, but I def. wasn't planning on inviting her to the wedding. It's awkward also because when Jane and Joe were together, she basically offered to help plan my wedding if me and my partner ever decided to pull the trigger, and back then (2 years ago!) I may have said, Yeah, that would be great! Ugh. Several of my other friends got very hurt when Joe and Jane broke up by Jane's weird behavior-- I think she asked some people to chose sides, and just acted a little crazy overall. Even though Joe and Jane may be on OK terms now, I just don't want her or her energy at my wedding.
Should I say something to her? I'm sure it's going to come up. It's already come up. She's persistent about making contact, and I don't think she's gotten the hint-- we can be friends, but in an informal, casual way. Do I just have to blow her off completely and forever? I'm not good at this. Sigh.
I have a... well, I'm not sure what she is. I'll call her Jane. I do consider Jane a (sort of?) friend, but I'm not especially close with her or anything. If she was in town, I might enjoy grabbing a beer with her, but I wouldn't invite her to stay at my place or anything. Jane used to date one of my other good friends, I'll call him Joe. So we spent a lot of time together when her and Joe were together, and I appreciated her being around as a female friend. She's intense and moody sometimes, but also sweet and caring. She can be really flattering, as, yes, sometimes interesting and fun to talk with. I'm a pretty open person, and we shared some real stuff together, but truth be told, I think it all meant more to her than it did to me. Anyway, Joe and Jane break up-- this is a year and a half ago now-- there's some drama after but it passes, and I just sort of assume that because Jane lives in another state, we can remain acquaintances, say hi every now and then, maybe catch up from time to time, but we're not BFFs. Not even close.
But every few moths, Jane attempts to make contact with me-- emailing she can't wait to visit some time soon (she's hasn't visited, and I haven't invited her or lead her on about this) calling up just to chat, or commenting on my FB wall. It's kind of weird, but also, OK, so she's lonely or just likes me and I'm not great at just blowing people off completely. Sometimes I'll write a quick note back, sometimes not. If I do, it's very brief "Hey Jane! I'm doing good too, I'm up to x. Good luck with your new job!" I called her once (why??) last November just to say hi after she'd attempted to make contact. I probably shouldn't have. She's apparently not so good with this let's-just -be -good -acquaintances thing.
Anyway, I'm getting married next summer, and already Jane's called me and emailed me... just saying hi, but also asking about how the wedding plans are going...ugh, I don't know if I want to blow her off completely, but I def. wasn't planning on inviting her to the wedding. It's awkward also because when Jane and Joe were together, she basically offered to help plan my wedding if me and my partner ever decided to pull the trigger, and back then (2 years ago!) I may have said, Yeah, that would be great! Ugh. Several of my other friends got very hurt when Joe and Jane broke up by Jane's weird behavior-- I think she asked some people to chose sides, and just acted a little crazy overall. Even though Joe and Jane may be on OK terms now, I just don't want her or her energy at my wedding.
Should I say something to her? I'm sure it's going to come up. It's already come up. She's persistent about making contact, and I don't think she's gotten the hint-- we can be friends, but in an informal, casual way. Do I just have to blow her off completely and forever? I'm not good at this. Sigh.
I would emphasize the wedding invitation list will be small and limited to family only. In my readings Miss Manners advises against using the - we are keeping our guest list small to save on money approach. Not that your question indicates you were thinking of using that reasoning.
Your question indicates should she find other friends are invited and she is not may make her angry. If it does it appears your "problem" with Jane has been resolved.
posted by BuffaloChickenWing at 7:06 AM on August 11, 2011
Your question indicates should she find other friends are invited and she is not may make her angry. If it does it appears your "problem" with Jane has been resolved.
posted by BuffaloChickenWing at 7:06 AM on August 11, 2011
I don't know what your wedding plans are, but would it be even close to truthful to say something like, "we're planning a small wedding, mostly family?" Obviously, if you're having a 600 person blowout, you wouldn't want to lie and then have her find out about it, but if it's close to the truth, I'd say that.
posted by decathecting at 7:06 AM on August 11, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by decathecting at 7:06 AM on August 11, 2011 [1 favorite]
Hm. I'd probably tell her, because I hate having weird, awkward things hanging over my head. Especially if I had to deal with something as intense as planning a wedding.
Would "Hey, I'd love to get your thoughts on decorations, but I think we're keeping the actual event really, really small. I'd love to catch up for a post-bachelorette brunch when you're in town next, though!" work?
posted by functionequalsform at 7:07 AM on August 11, 2011
Would "Hey, I'd love to get your thoughts on decorations, but I think we're keeping the actual event really, really small. I'd love to catch up for a post-bachelorette brunch when you're in town next, though!" work?
posted by functionequalsform at 7:07 AM on August 11, 2011
If I were Jane I'd prefer to know that my friendly overtures were not particularly wanted. If you don't want to be friends with her, stop interacting with her.
posted by noxetlux at 7:08 AM on August 11, 2011 [7 favorites]
posted by noxetlux at 7:08 AM on August 11, 2011 [7 favorites]
She's not capable of being friends at a level you're comfortable with. So yeah -- stop responding.
Sure, you'll be on her list of dinks, but it's a dink list in another state and who cares?
posted by Capt. Renault at 7:08 AM on August 11, 2011
Sure, you'll be on her list of dinks, but it's a dink list in another state and who cares?
posted by Capt. Renault at 7:08 AM on August 11, 2011
Jane wants to be your friend. It also sounds like Jane is trying to invite herself to your wedding, which is kind of tacky, but whatever, maybe she's just clueless.
If you don't want to be friends with her (which is fine), you can respond to her several days after she contacts you say something bland like, "oh, hi! Thanks for thinking of me!" over email or facebook or something.
You don't have to invite her to your wedding, especially if you're keeping it small. But if you're planning some huge, blowout wedding, and you feel like you should invite her for decorum's sake, she'll probably just get lost in the crowd. Up to you.
posted by phunniemee at 7:08 AM on August 11, 2011
If you don't want to be friends with her (which is fine), you can respond to her several days after she contacts you say something bland like, "oh, hi! Thanks for thinking of me!" over email or facebook or something.
You don't have to invite her to your wedding, especially if you're keeping it small. But if you're planning some huge, blowout wedding, and you feel like you should invite her for decorum's sake, she'll probably just get lost in the crowd. Up to you.
posted by phunniemee at 7:08 AM on August 11, 2011
Oops, meant to say:
"If you don't want to be friends with her (which is fine), but just acquaintances, you can..."
posted by phunniemee at 7:10 AM on August 11, 2011
"If you don't want to be friends with her (which is fine), but just acquaintances, you can..."
posted by phunniemee at 7:10 AM on August 11, 2011
The question of how to not invite her to the wedding is kind of separate from the question of how to down-scale your friendship.
Don't take it too seriously that 2 years ago you said something hypothetical about your wedding and her. When she asks about the wedding tell her some small amount about it, phrased as statements of what will happen. When you're around her you have no unanswered questions that she could offer an opinion on.
Things to include in conversation:
- you're excited about the event, and the reality of it is very different from how you imagined it would be getting ready for a wedding.
- you've got some definite plans on how you want things to go, and your (relative/friend) is helping you plan it. This doesn't have to be 110% true, just pick the person who you've talked to most so far to toss ideas around with.
- "doing the guest list is hard, I wish we could invite everyone."
- "I hope you'll understand we can't invite everyone we wish could be there. We want to throw a party sometime afterwards when we're sane again, and I hope you can come to that."
Don't say the wedding is small if it's not. Don't gush all over her about how much you wish you could invite *her*, just say there are people you wish you could invite. If you say there are other events you will invite her to, do that (it's okay to not invite her to such other events if you don't genuinely want her there, but if you say you will invite her, do it.) Don't apologize too profusely, given that you don't genuinely care if she takes it hard and stops talking to you so much.
Be polite and try not to hurt her feelings, but don't be friendlier to her than you genuinely feel - that's not at all kind in the long term.
posted by aimedwander at 7:16 AM on August 11, 2011 [1 favorite]
Don't take it too seriously that 2 years ago you said something hypothetical about your wedding and her. When she asks about the wedding tell her some small amount about it, phrased as statements of what will happen. When you're around her you have no unanswered questions that she could offer an opinion on.
Things to include in conversation:
- you're excited about the event, and the reality of it is very different from how you imagined it would be getting ready for a wedding.
- you've got some definite plans on how you want things to go, and your (relative/friend) is helping you plan it. This doesn't have to be 110% true, just pick the person who you've talked to most so far to toss ideas around with.
- "doing the guest list is hard, I wish we could invite everyone."
- "I hope you'll understand we can't invite everyone we wish could be there. We want to throw a party sometime afterwards when we're sane again, and I hope you can come to that."
Don't say the wedding is small if it's not. Don't gush all over her about how much you wish you could invite *her*, just say there are people you wish you could invite. If you say there are other events you will invite her to, do that (it's okay to not invite her to such other events if you don't genuinely want her there, but if you say you will invite her, do it.) Don't apologize too profusely, given that you don't genuinely care if she takes it hard and stops talking to you so much.
Be polite and try not to hurt her feelings, but don't be friendlier to her than you genuinely feel - that's not at all kind in the long term.
posted by aimedwander at 7:16 AM on August 11, 2011 [1 favorite]
It's awkward to tell someone they are not invited to your wedding, but it's best to do it and get it over with. You can make the excuse of the size, the expense, etc.
posted by alms at 7:18 AM on August 11, 2011
posted by alms at 7:18 AM on August 11, 2011
Best answer: I think she may be assuming she's invited to the wedding (the event and/or the planning of it), which is based on her assumption that you two are friends, which is based on your behavior toward her.
She sounds a tad socially clueless but you have also led her to believe you like her. Her expecting to come to the wedding should not be a surprise, and is now something you have to deal with.
posted by jessicapierce at 7:20 AM on August 11, 2011 [16 favorites]
She sounds a tad socially clueless but you have also led her to believe you like her. Her expecting to come to the wedding should not be a surprise, and is now something you have to deal with.
posted by jessicapierce at 7:20 AM on August 11, 2011 [16 favorites]
I've been casual friends with peple (I think!) And have not been invited to their weddings. I have even discussed vaguely 'how's the wedding stuff going' when we've met up at group events. Since we had mutual friends I would know what was going on with their lives but I didn't care personally about not being invited to their weddings. It saves you lots of time and money not being invited actually! Remember the wedding is a much bigger deal to those getting married than those invited. Some people really don't mind! (Though with good, close friends of course, that is a different story!)
posted by bquarters at 7:28 AM on August 11, 2011 [4 favorites]
posted by bquarters at 7:28 AM on August 11, 2011 [4 favorites]
Sorry but it doesn't sound to me that Jane is clueless or that she's inviting herself. It sounds like you have acted like a friend, not an acquaintance, and you haven't been clear about the friendship ending.
People cannot read minds. If you are calling her and not blowing her off, then she doesn't know that you have gone from "yes help me plan my wedding!" to "oh yeah, I remember you from back when you used to date my friend." So be clear, or at least consistent. People deserve that.
posted by headnsouth at 7:28 AM on August 11, 2011 [12 favorites]
People cannot read minds. If you are calling her and not blowing her off, then she doesn't know that you have gone from "yes help me plan my wedding!" to "oh yeah, I remember you from back when you used to date my friend." So be clear, or at least consistent. People deserve that.
posted by headnsouth at 7:28 AM on August 11, 2011 [12 favorites]
So, I have a close friend who is out of state, and when she made some references to the small size of her wedding, I immediately tried really really hard to assume that I wouldn't be invited, even though I was. So if you want to continue in the conflict-avoidant vein, just make some reference on Facebook to having a hard time keeping the wedding small.
posted by tchemgrrl at 7:37 AM on August 11, 2011
posted by tchemgrrl at 7:37 AM on August 11, 2011
I'm not clear what gender you are, but I'm theorizing guy. In general, women run the show on weddings, so it would be completely normal to say that, while Jane's offer of help is appreciated, your SO is really calling the shots on this wedding & has enlisted the help she wanted. That would take care of the wedding help problem fairly diplomatically. It would also foreshadow the eventual wedding invite fail.
posted by Ys at 7:45 AM on August 11, 2011
posted by Ys at 7:45 AM on August 11, 2011
Making general/public references to "keeping it small" is a good idea, but if that's not strictly the truth, or if you are inviting mutual friends, you may run into drama there.
Also, Jane seems to think you two are BFFS and may just assume she's part of your small inner circle. You need to assume she will assume she IS invited, and deal with it directly.
In a personal conversation with her, it would be fine to invoke "keeping it small" over and over, as necessary, until she gets it. You just have to make it explicit (kindly, if possibly) that she Is Not Invited.
posted by jessicapierce at 7:51 AM on August 11, 2011 [1 favorite]
Also, Jane seems to think you two are BFFS and may just assume she's part of your small inner circle. You need to assume she will assume she IS invited, and deal with it directly.
In a personal conversation with her, it would be fine to invoke "keeping it small" over and over, as necessary, until she gets it. You just have to make it explicit (kindly, if possibly) that she Is Not Invited.
posted by jessicapierce at 7:51 AM on August 11, 2011 [1 favorite]
I'm another Jane, I suspect. If I like someone I will write those sorts of messages on facebook walls. I don't call too often, though, because I hate the phone. Anyway, in case she's like me, when I do that, it just means I like you enough that I'd like to keep you in my life. And I'm asking about your wedding plans because I know it's probably huge in your mind at the moment. I am not asking to attend. I, personally, don't love weddings and their attendant hassles and costs unless it's a wedding of someone I'm VERY close to. I don't expect an invitation and don't honestly particularly want one, but I know it's hugely important to you and I am therefore asking about it, the same way I do about your kids, dogs, and sick relatives.
So, on the off chance she's like me, you might be reading too much into her contact. Just behave the way you'd like to. If you ignore me long enough I'll take the hint. If you call and write back I'll assume you also would like to stay friends, probably about at the level things are now. It does sound like you have different ideas of where the acquaintance/friendship line is in this situation.
posted by small_ruminant at 8:16 AM on August 11, 2011 [2 favorites]
So, on the off chance she's like me, you might be reading too much into her contact. Just behave the way you'd like to. If you ignore me long enough I'll take the hint. If you call and write back I'll assume you also would like to stay friends, probably about at the level things are now. It does sound like you have different ideas of where the acquaintance/friendship line is in this situation.
posted by small_ruminant at 8:16 AM on August 11, 2011 [2 favorites]
From my experience, the world would be a better place if "blow her/him off" were never an option, since in most ways, it is the same thing as "stringing her/him along". If they don't understand your point of view, than let them know. Be polite about it, but you aren't helping anything by allowing her to believe a completely different reality than the one you are living in.
posted by markblasco at 8:32 AM on August 11, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by markblasco at 8:32 AM on August 11, 2011 [1 favorite]
Yeah to me it doesn't necessarily sounds like she's assuming that you're going to invite her or that she's trying to get invited, it sounds like she's interested in her life. Even if she isn't, you could continue on under that assumption anyway. "Planning for a wedding is crazy! Thanks for asking."
If you don't want to be friends with her and she's not really in your circles, you are perfectly free to blow her off or say something quick like you usually do and leave it at that. It really doesn't matter if you're not meeting her expectations as a friend if you don't really want to be her friend.
posted by Kimberly at 8:33 AM on August 11, 2011
If you don't want to be friends with her and she's not really in your circles, you are perfectly free to blow her off or say something quick like you usually do and leave it at that. It really doesn't matter if you're not meeting her expectations as a friend if you don't really want to be her friend.
posted by Kimberly at 8:33 AM on August 11, 2011
Best answer: Sounds like she's doing her best, as someone who lives in another state, to keep a line open with someone she considers a friend. I'm not reading into anything you're describing that she thinks she's your BFF, but that there's history between you, you've "shared some real stuff together" and got to know each other. She values and wants to maintain the connection and likely reaches out strongly from time to time because shared history and good friends are hard to come by.
Like small_ruminant stated, I think she's asking about your wedding because it's important to you, and she wants you to know she's happy and excited for you. I don't think you need to say anything to her about your wedding being small or whatnot. I doubt she expects an invitation, but would of course welcome one.
If you don't want to be friends with her, start backing off.
posted by vivzan at 9:07 AM on August 11, 2011 [2 favorites]
Like small_ruminant stated, I think she's asking about your wedding because it's important to you, and she wants you to know she's happy and excited for you. I don't think you need to say anything to her about your wedding being small or whatnot. I doubt she expects an invitation, but would of course welcome one.
If you don't want to be friends with her, start backing off.
posted by vivzan at 9:07 AM on August 11, 2011 [2 favorites]
This sounds like a non-problem. You don't really want to be friends with her. Don't sweat it and scale back talking to her.
I doubt she expects a wedding invite- Does she even know the date? You're assuming a lot from basically a reach out every few months. A facebook message, a phone call, an email once every few months is completely normal behavior for my long distance close aquaintances. If you don't enjoy the contact and you aren't related to her, simply stop talking to her and let it die a natural death. I would hardly notice if someone I only talked to three times a year moved it down to once a decade.
and also- I'd bet "i can't wait to visit soon" and "how is all that crazy wedding junk going" is mostly polite conversation. She hardly knows you, what else would she talk about in an email- it's not like she is up to date with the intimate details of your work or home life.
You say "it's come up" but do you mean her being invited or just the wedding? If she actually starts fishing for an invite, then is the time to bring out the "small wedding" line. If she's just asking about the wedding, she might just not want to perceived as rude for not asking about The Most Important Day of Your Life.
posted by Blisterlips at 9:31 AM on August 11, 2011 [1 favorite]
I doubt she expects a wedding invite- Does she even know the date? You're assuming a lot from basically a reach out every few months. A facebook message, a phone call, an email once every few months is completely normal behavior for my long distance close aquaintances. If you don't enjoy the contact and you aren't related to her, simply stop talking to her and let it die a natural death. I would hardly notice if someone I only talked to three times a year moved it down to once a decade.
and also- I'd bet "i can't wait to visit soon" and "how is all that crazy wedding junk going" is mostly polite conversation. She hardly knows you, what else would she talk about in an email- it's not like she is up to date with the intimate details of your work or home life.
You say "it's come up" but do you mean her being invited or just the wedding? If she actually starts fishing for an invite, then is the time to bring out the "small wedding" line. If she's just asking about the wedding, she might just not want to perceived as rude for not asking about The Most Important Day of Your Life.
posted by Blisterlips at 9:31 AM on August 11, 2011 [1 favorite]
Not sure why you even think you have a problem here....she gets in touch occasionally, you give a minimal response. There is nothing other than your worrying mind here that indicates she actually expects an invitation or any kind of involvement in your wedding.
So if you want to end the friendship stop responding.
If you just want to keep her at arm's length then be suitably vague in your responses.
Should she really be bad mannered enough to ask about "her" invitation just tell her that it was not possible to invite her. You do not have to elaborate on that. You just start talking about the weather. Or something.
posted by koahiatamadl at 9:51 AM on August 11, 2011 [1 favorite]
So if you want to end the friendship stop responding.
If you just want to keep her at arm's length then be suitably vague in your responses.
Should she really be bad mannered enough to ask about "her" invitation just tell her that it was not possible to invite her. You do not have to elaborate on that. You just start talking about the weather. Or something.
posted by koahiatamadl at 9:51 AM on August 11, 2011 [1 favorite]
I don't know if I want to blow her off completely...
She's persistent about making contact, and I don't think she's gotten the hint... Do I just have to blow her off completely and forever?
Short answer: YES, sever all ties with her and let her know. Defriend and block her so you don't have to deal with her Facebook interactions, block her number from your cell phone. Done.
posted by Doohickie at 10:28 AM on August 11, 2011
She's persistent about making contact, and I don't think she's gotten the hint... Do I just have to blow her off completely and forever?
Short answer: YES, sever all ties with her and let her know. Defriend and block her so you don't have to deal with her Facebook interactions, block her number from your cell phone. Done.
posted by Doohickie at 10:28 AM on August 11, 2011
Seconding bquarters . . . this doesn't sound like a big deal. i think this is just the nature of facebook. You're friends with hundreds of people, lots of people talk about their weddings, you comment and chat about them whether you're invited or not. I've known about plenty of my casual friends'/acquaintances' weddings over the years, through facebook, and never thought twice about not being invited to them even though i might have made friendly comments to them about good luck with the wedding, or hows planning going, or whatnot. I wouldn't offer the excuse of "we're trying to keep it small" preemptively. Because maybe she actually won't care or be offended that she's not invited. If she does say something to you about it, though, by all means tell her that.
posted by GastrocNemesis at 10:31 AM on August 11, 2011
posted by GastrocNemesis at 10:31 AM on August 11, 2011
GastrocNemesis, this appears to go far beyond facebook... OP states that this person re-initiates contact via phone or email every few months. I would not be surprised in the least if she did expect a wedding invite.
OP, I am assuming you take these phone calls? If so, that is, in a way, leading her on to believe you two have more of a friendship than what you apparently feel.
posted by jessicapierce at 10:47 AM on August 11, 2011
OP, I am assuming you take these phone calls? If so, that is, in a way, leading her on to believe you two have more of a friendship than what you apparently feel.
posted by jessicapierce at 10:47 AM on August 11, 2011
Does asking about the wedding plans imply that she's inviting herself, or expects to be invited? Or was that conveyed in some other way? I ask my female acquaintances about their wedding plans even when I don't know them well and don't expect to be invited to the wedding at all. I just figure it's their wedding, it's probably something they're thinking about a lot and maybe stressing out about, and it's a safe and easy social topic to make polite conversation about, like sports and the weather. I would be flabbergasted and embarrassed if I had made them feel awkward with these remarks.
Of course if her inquiry was "When will the invitations be going out" or something like that, I understand the discomfort. But do you think it's possible your anxious feelings about the relationship are causing you to over-think this and feel weird about something that isn't really a big deal?
posted by crackingdes at 1:10 PM on August 11, 2011
Of course if her inquiry was "When will the invitations be going out" or something like that, I understand the discomfort. But do you think it's possible your anxious feelings about the relationship are causing you to over-think this and feel weird about something that isn't really a big deal?
posted by crackingdes at 1:10 PM on August 11, 2011
Does asking about the wedding plans imply that she's inviting herself, or expects to be invited? Or was that conveyed in some other way? I ask my female acquaintances about their wedding plans even when I don't know them well and don't expect to be invited to the wedding at all.
Me too. Hell, I've been excluded from weddings of actual friends and not been insulted -- wedding guest lists are a weird beast.
posted by desuetude at 10:44 PM on August 11, 2011
Me too. Hell, I've been excluded from weddings of actual friends and not been insulted -- wedding guest lists are a weird beast.
posted by desuetude at 10:44 PM on August 11, 2011
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by tel3path at 7:05 AM on August 11, 2011 [1 favorite]