What else can one do to experiment with sex, besides the actual sex part?
August 8, 2011 8:46 PM   Subscribe

Sex question :) What else is there to experiment with, besides the act itself? Looking for as many ideas as possible.

Boyfriend and I are going slow on the sex thing, for various reasons. He has lately been making comments about 'other things we can do' and I have to admit, I am not really sure what he means. We're both in our early 30s, but I have very limited experience with sex, and have not really explored my 'sexy' side that much. He's actually the first person I've been with who's really started bringing out this side of me in a way that's fun and exciting.

We're definitely interested in the full sex deal, but his comments on 'other things we can do' suggest to me that he'd like to play a little more before we get to that point. So...when he says 'other things we can do' I am wondering what that means, exactly. Can anyone give me ideas for what these 'other things' might be? Clearly, I have some work to do in exploring my sensual side, and his. Ideas welcome.
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (20 answers total) 12 users marked this as a favorite

Why don't you ask him what he means by "other things we can do"?

Communication is good!!!!
posted by mr_roboto at 8:50 PM on August 8, 2011 [7 favorites]

He probably mean blowjobs.
posted by mr_roboto at 8:51 PM on August 8, 2011 [34 favorites]

Masturbate together.
Manual and/or digital stimulation. (Handjobs, highly recommended for those new to sex. Doesn't have to include any penetration; it's a good opportunity to learn about the clitoris.)
Oral sex.
Sensual massage. (One or both of you get naked, bring oil, apply liberally to nudity with hands or whatever appendage(s).)
Erotic dancing, AKA striptease.
Heck, just some good ol' slow dancing might do the trick, or serve as a good prelude.
posted by carsonb at 8:56 PM on August 8, 2011 [1 favorite]

He probably mean blowjobs.

Yeah, it sounds like he wants a blowjob and is too chickenshit to say it. I'd second asking him what he means, and then only giving it to him if you want to and he's willing to reciprocate.
posted by randomname25 at 9:09 PM on August 8, 2011 [1 favorite]

http://www.dodsonandross.com/ Sex information online, clearly not safe for work

Sex Info (also not safe for work)
posted by b33j at 9:20 PM on August 8, 2011

He definitely, definitely wants a blowjob. You're reading into it too much.
posted by Patbon at 9:24 PM on August 8, 2011 [1 favorite]

Look at this as your opportunity to get more in touch with your sexy side and to practice communication. Sex is one of the hardest things for couples to communicate about (i've found) because it brings up all kinds of unrelated-but-somehow-connected things.

Are there things you want to try? Things you definitely don't want to try? Can you talk about what feels good to you? This can be a fun time of exploration!

Also, he wants a blowjob. But he should ask for it directly, and you should both work on getting to a point where that kind of request is okay to bring up.
posted by softlord at 9:26 PM on August 8, 2011

There's a book called "The Guide to Getting It On" that's often recommended here. It has lots of ideas and good information, and it also promotes a really fun, sex-positive attitude, which is worth a lot.
posted by bonheur at 9:35 PM on August 8, 2011

when he says 'other things we can do' I am wondering what that means, exactly.

When he says something, and you wonder what exactly he means by it, he is the one you should be asking.
posted by John Cohen at 10:04 PM on August 8, 2011 [6 favorites]

God yeah, just ask him. Communication is key. And I'm with randomname25, only if YOU want, and he's willing to reciprocate.
posted by Specklet at 10:08 PM on August 8, 2011

Mouth, hands, breasts, genitals, ass, I found that once I'd exhausted the combinatorics on that everything was about emotional framing: Which gets to communication. Read erotica together. Talk about turn-ons. It can be difficult to open up to another person and say "yeah, clowns juggling squids is really sexy", but taking that risk has been where the big payoffs have been for me.

So your mission, should you choose to go there, is getting as bizarre and out there as you possibly can with "other things" so that you can draw him out to get over that (ahem) hump. Come right out and ask him: Blow job? Take him from behind with a strap-on? Outdoors? And I haven't looked at the current crop of books (Gloria Brame just published one, and I trust her), but I'll take it for granted that the suggestions in this thread might be things you want to read together.
posted by straw at 10:09 PM on August 8, 2011

Might be oral, as so many have guessed, though I assumed he meant anal. It could be anything but I suspect he has something particular in mind. You'll need to talk to him about it, or find some other way of getting it out of him. (That could be a fun game.)
posted by The Monkey at 11:41 PM on August 8, 2011

"other things we can do" means just about anything, as indicated above. It sounds like he is too timid to say what he is into. So how do we get out of him just what the heck it is he wants to do?

For some folks, having a few drinks will get them talking.
Other people like a nice structured setting. As in, "Let's play a game. I am going to tell you about a fantasy I have. Then you have to tell me about a fantasy you have."
Some people need to be sneaky. Tell him all about this amazing dream you had in which he and you and...."

Having clear and open lines of communication is essential to any sexual relationship. You guys are going to have to work on creating that. The little games I described above are just the sort of things many people do when they first meet. So don't think of it as avoiding the real issue but working on it.
posted by munchingzombie at 12:03 AM on August 9, 2011

only giving it to him if you want to and he's willing to reciprocate.

The "and he's willing to reciprocate" part doesn't necessarily have to mean oral sex, if that's not what you happen to want. In fact I'm not so sure thinking of it as a quid pro quo exchange is really such a great idea; if you start thinking of a blowjob (or anything else in sexytime) as a prize to be awarded for good behavior, that takes a lot of the fun out of it for both of you.

The "only if you want to" part I'm in wholehearted agreement with, though.

There are lots of things he might mean other than blowjobs. Maybe he wants you to dress up in sexy clothes. Maybe he wants to dress up in sexy clothes. (Maybe he wants to dress up in your sexy clothes.) Maybe he wants to try a different location, or a different time of day. Maybe he wants to tie you up. Maybe he wants you to tie him up. Maybe he wants to break out the sex toys, or he's looking for a striptease or some other kind of playacting. Maybe he's got a fetish he's working up the courage to tell you about. Maybe (since you haven't told us how far you two have gone yet in the "going slow") he just wants to get your shirt off.

Ask him, not us. You two get to tell each other what you want to do to each other, and what you want done to you. This is a fun conversation. There's no reason to avoid that conversation.
posted by ook at 4:06 AM on August 9, 2011

Oh. Dear.

The first other things you can do is talk. Lots of talking. This is a relationship. The patterns you set now are likely to continue through it. This means, quash the expectation of mind reading now. It means being honest with each other about what you want, what you enjoy, what you hope for, and what you do not like. It means building and maintaining boundaries. It means having a clear concept of what you do in situations A B and C (condom breaking, pregnancy, becoming uncomfortable with a sex act after it has started, will birth control pills be on the table, etc).

That's not to say, "Make a plan and follow it, damn the consequences." But, some things are easier to face if you have a plan in place, even if they never happen. Or, when they happen you might deviate from the plan. Those are ok, but if you're not actually in agreement about what to do if pregnancy happens, it might be a good idea to at least acknowledge that, and maybe to keep the P away from the V indefinitely.

So. Talking. Lots of talking. Watch porn together and talk about it. Touch each other and talk about it.

If your efforts to communicate do not lead to healthy and satisfying conversations and sexual experiences for you, I'm of the mind that you have two choices. One, leave him and find somebody who is a better fit for you conversationally and sexually. I know you focused a lot on your age, but there is no reason to be with someone who isn't as much fun as you want and deserve. Second, counseling/sex therapy with an impartial third party. Yes. There are people who are trained to help couples be more compatible and more...successful in the bedroom.

There is also the chance that one or more of the following is true....erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation, small penis, worried he has an inadequate penis, has never had penetrative sex before, prefers anal sex, does not like penetrative sex of any kind, is gay, he may just be a selfish lover who wants the whole thing to be all about him, and his vagueness may be about keeping you on edge and in the dark.
posted by bilabial at 5:21 AM on August 9, 2011 [2 favorites]

There is a wide variety of fetishy and kinky things.. who knows? Oh, and the ever classic 'lets have a threesome.' ABout 85% of the time they want it F/F/him.... 85%... heh
posted by Jacen at 5:50 AM on August 9, 2011

Ask him what the hell he means. It sounds like he's got something in mind and this is his way of tapdancing around asking.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 6:06 AM on August 9, 2011

You should peg him. You know, if he's cool with that kind of thing.
posted by Fister Roboto at 7:54 AM on August 9, 2011 [3 favorites]

he may just be a selfish lover who wants the whole thing to be all about him, and his vagueness may be about keeping you on edge and in the dark.

posted by randomname25 at 9:07 AM on August 9, 2011

If the height of his ambition in his 30's is a blow job, you need to do some serious thinking about life, never mind sex !! :) Play with your bodies; sex is fun - everything's allowed that both of you like and hurts no-one. Go to a sex club, take a look, see if that's your scene. Have sex in a semi-public place - park, forest. Get into a big crowd with him behind you and let him feel you up under a short skirt - play games, it's fun. If you live by the ocean, try sex on a calm fullmoon night in the shallows - or in the sea in the day when people might just wonder what's going on, but don't be too obvious or in any way offensive to others. Don't wear any underwear for a day and see how often each of you can make intimate contact without offending anyone. Wear really sexy clothes to turn on some stranger in the street and see if your partner likes that (have something handy to cover up if he doesn't like it). Sit opposite each other in a restaurant and see if he can get his (freshly washed) toe massaging your clitoris while you're drinking your soup :). At home wear an eye mask, have your hands/feet loosely tied to bed posts and let him pleasure you/do it the other way round. Try a threesome - both ways MFF and MMF. Tie him up and only touch him with your tongue for half an hour or so - then another time, change places. See how long he can play with your breasts (including armpits and neck) without touching your nipples, and then see if he can make you come by touching/sucking them at the end. Get him to lick for five or ten minutes in turn your inner thighs, your outer labia, your inner labia, and finally your clitoris, all of which should take at least half an hour. Take your time for sex. Then another day do it really fast. Try a bit of very careful pretend aggression, just to check it out - no real pain, unless you discover that really is the scene for both of you - but be careful with that one. Get him to take slightly/very/extremely sexy pictures of you and post on one of the many web-sites for amateurs and see how you like the responses. Play. If you're very lucky, you've got 20 or 30 really active sexual years left, lots of people get less, a few get more. Enjoy it, have fun - make each other happy. Be happy yourself. Play.
posted by nickji at 10:26 AM on October 9, 2011

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