Inviting their friends along on a family trip
August 4, 2011 3:04 PM Subscribe
Can't un-invite her, now can I? Wait, I didn't invite her.
Some time back, I made some reservations at a cool little cabins in a nice rural area for my family (the cabins go quickly, up to a year in advance). Unprompted, my Mom put in some money (half?) for the cabins.
Fast forward to recently. Mom informed me that she invited a friend. Normally I would say, fine, bring a friend. I admit I am not fond of this particular friend. She does nothing but complain constantly (constantly!), about her bad leg, her back, her joints, her allergies, her asthma, the weather, and anything else that happens to be in her line of sight. Plus, she is so obese that she will take a full bed to herself. (The plan was 2/bed, quite workable except for Jane.) She would certianly put a damper on a nice weekend.
I've half a mind to refund my Mother her money and say, "I really did intend this to be a family vacation, not with outsiders" and let her deal with it. I don't think she should have invited someone without at a minimum consulting me, since I did all the leg work, research, bookings, etc. (not to mention keeping track of counting heads--this week she told me she invited someone else. That is impossible unless she wishes to string up a hammock outside. We are already booked to capacity.)
If you think I'm being a churl, you can go on and tell me. However, if you see my predicament, please help me artfully form phrases to make my point. Even if I fail to convince her this time, I need help and advice on how to prevent a similar situation in the future. I feel taken advantage of for all my work. On the other hand, my Mother has never been stellar about respecting boundaries of any kind.
Some time back, I made some reservations at a cool little cabins in a nice rural area for my family (the cabins go quickly, up to a year in advance). Unprompted, my Mom put in some money (half?) for the cabins.
Fast forward to recently. Mom informed me that she invited a friend. Normally I would say, fine, bring a friend. I admit I am not fond of this particular friend. She does nothing but complain constantly (constantly!), about her bad leg, her back, her joints, her allergies, her asthma, the weather, and anything else that happens to be in her line of sight. Plus, she is so obese that she will take a full bed to herself. (The plan was 2/bed, quite workable except for Jane.) She would certianly put a damper on a nice weekend.
I've half a mind to refund my Mother her money and say, "I really did intend this to be a family vacation, not with outsiders" and let her deal with it. I don't think she should have invited someone without at a minimum consulting me, since I did all the leg work, research, bookings, etc. (not to mention keeping track of counting heads--this week she told me she invited someone else. That is impossible unless she wishes to string up a hammock outside. We are already booked to capacity.)
If you think I'm being a churl, you can go on and tell me. However, if you see my predicament, please help me artfully form phrases to make my point. Even if I fail to convince her this time, I need help and advice on how to prevent a similar situation in the future. I feel taken advantage of for all my work. On the other hand, my Mother has never been stellar about respecting boundaries of any kind.
Response by poster: On read, this sounds like I'm bashing obesity. I am not, as I am also overweight, I want you to know that. However--my Mom and I can fit comfortably in one bed. This would not be the case here.
posted by Prairie at 3:08 PM on August 4, 2011
posted by Prairie at 3:08 PM on August 4, 2011
"Mom, I'm sorry but we can't include Jane". If she says she won't come otherwise, then give her the money back.
posted by brujita at 3:10 PM on August 4, 2011 [3 favorites]
posted by brujita at 3:10 PM on August 4, 2011 [3 favorites]
If your Mom is putting up half the money I'd say it's half her vacation too and has the right to accomodate a friend in her part of the cabin?
Couldn't you bring along an air bed for someone who's smaller?
posted by AuntieRuth at 3:11 PM on August 4, 2011
Couldn't you bring along an air bed for someone who's smaller?
posted by AuntieRuth at 3:11 PM on August 4, 2011
Best answer: I agree with Ironmouth. Tell her that as much as you would be ok with her inviting a friend, there simply isn't enough space. Had she asked you before inviting her, you would have let her know this. Sadly, now your mother's only options are to share a bed with her friend or tell friend she jumped the gun and she won't be able to come as you're out of room. And tell your mother to check on space first next time before assuming it's ok. If you phrase it as an unfortunate predicament your mother put herself in and give her options of getting out of it, it will be harder for her to turn it on you.
posted by Jubey at 3:13 PM on August 4, 2011 [22 favorites]
posted by Jubey at 3:13 PM on August 4, 2011 [22 favorites]
Best answer: Have you actually talked to your mother about your feelings on this matter? If not, do that before you suddenly refund her money.
She may or may not understand if you tell her you wanted to keep this limited to family. What she should definitely understand are numbers. Tell her, "Mom, this is how much space we have. This is how many people you've invited, and Jane isn't a small woman. How's this going to work?"
If she can come up with a solution, then you may be stuck on a trip with someone you don't like all that much. It's not polite, but it's fair because your mom paid her share.
If she can't figure it out, then you tell her, "We can't do this. You're gonna have to stop inviting people and tell the ones you HAVE invited that it's not going to work out."
posted by katillathehun at 3:14 PM on August 4, 2011 [1 favorite]
She may or may not understand if you tell her you wanted to keep this limited to family. What she should definitely understand are numbers. Tell her, "Mom, this is how much space we have. This is how many people you've invited, and Jane isn't a small woman. How's this going to work?"
If she can come up with a solution, then you may be stuck on a trip with someone you don't like all that much. It's not polite, but it's fair because your mom paid her share.
If she can't figure it out, then you tell her, "We can't do this. You're gonna have to stop inviting people and tell the ones you HAVE invited that it's not going to work out."
posted by katillathehun at 3:14 PM on August 4, 2011 [1 favorite]
Hi mum
I'm confused as to why you'd have done this without checking with me first. You know I don't get on with x. Please either tell her that there's been a misunderstanding and that she can't come, or I will.
Best
Daughter
Now, this will get the job done that you have asked for. Your mother sill also go apeshit.
When the dust settles she will be unlikely to disrespect your boundaries again. But make no mistake, you will have had one he'll of an argument along the way.
Good luck
posted by dmt at 3:15 PM on August 4, 2011 [7 favorites]
I'm confused as to why you'd have done this without checking with me first. You know I don't get on with x. Please either tell her that there's been a misunderstanding and that she can't come, or I will.
Best
Daughter
Now, this will get the job done that you have asked for. Your mother sill also go apeshit.
When the dust settles she will be unlikely to disrespect your boundaries again. But make no mistake, you will have had one he'll of an argument along the way.
Good luck
posted by dmt at 3:15 PM on August 4, 2011 [7 favorites]
It sounds like there's more than one cabin here. Mom gets one cabin, you get the other. Mom has to figure out how to accommodate her guest(s) in her cabin. Since there's more than one cabin, you should be able to avoid Jane, except perhaps at shared meals/outings/etc.
posted by macadamiaranch at 3:15 PM on August 4, 2011 [11 favorites]
posted by macadamiaranch at 3:15 PM on August 4, 2011 [11 favorites]
Best answer: I was in a similar situation once: we planned a backpacking trip a year in advance, scheduled the time off, got the permits in advance, etc. A close friend in our group unilaterally extended an invitation to a coworker of his who was not well liked by the rest of our group for very similar reasons, as she had proven herself to be a pain in the ass on a trip the previous year. We had intentionally not invited her, but our friend invited her anyway (not realizing our antipathy towards this individual). Then the close friend had to back out of participating himself, leaving us to deal with this pain in the ass for a full week in some very remote and physically difficult situations. It Did Not Go Well.
My advice, based on my own crappy experience, is that you should not do the trip with this person. If that means having a frank discussion with your mom about exactly why this won't work, by all means, have a frank discussion with your mom. But even if that doesn't go well, you still need to hold the line and keep this person out of your trip. Buy out your mom's share, if you need to, but don't put yourself in a situation where you are going to spend the whole trip resenting this person. It isn't worth it for either of you.
posted by mosk at 3:27 PM on August 4, 2011 [3 favorites]
My advice, based on my own crappy experience, is that you should not do the trip with this person. If that means having a frank discussion with your mom about exactly why this won't work, by all means, have a frank discussion with your mom. But even if that doesn't go well, you still need to hold the line and keep this person out of your trip. Buy out your mom's share, if you need to, but don't put yourself in a situation where you are going to spend the whole trip resenting this person. It isn't worth it for either of you.
posted by mosk at 3:27 PM on August 4, 2011 [3 favorites]
Quite simple I vote with the "mother's friend does not go posts". Vacations are just that--vacations. It is not just a dinner invitation. Regardless of motivations and in/outs/etc. you have received some excellent suggestions in how to handle this. Your mother maybe your mother but my guess is she would appreciate your candor and a straightforward approach to this. She maybe disappointed but most parents want their children to deal with them honestly.
posted by rmhsinc at 3:35 PM on August 4, 2011
posted by rmhsinc at 3:35 PM on August 4, 2011
Response by poster: macadamiaranch: Yes, 2 cabins, 2 beds per cabin. Each cabin 4 people. I hadn't planned on any extra expense of airbeds.
posted by Prairie at 3:42 PM on August 4, 2011
posted by Prairie at 3:42 PM on August 4, 2011
Best answer: "Mom, this is getting out of control. I'm sorry if that wasn't clear before but this is a family vacation. There isn't room for the family, Jane, and [second guest]. I'd like for us to go as a family, but you'll need to tell Jane and [second guest] that there's been a misunderstanding and there just isn't room for them in the cabin. We can try to find a bigger cabin next year."
OR
"Mom, I'm annoyed that you invited Jane without asking me and even more annoyed that you went and invited [second guest] after that! There isn't going to be room for all of us. You and your friends take the cabin, my family and I will make other travel plans."
Life's too short to spend your vacation with Jane. (Life's also too short to let your mother change your vacation plans for you.)
posted by Meg_Murry at 3:42 PM on August 4, 2011 [16 favorites]
OR
"Mom, I'm annoyed that you invited Jane without asking me and even more annoyed that you went and invited [second guest] after that! There isn't going to be room for all of us. You and your friends take the cabin, my family and I will make other travel plans."
Life's too short to spend your vacation with Jane. (Life's also too short to let your mother change your vacation plans for you.)
posted by Meg_Murry at 3:42 PM on August 4, 2011 [16 favorites]
Response by poster: The World Famous: Well--that's be three in "her" cabin and five in mine. That's one sleeping bag on the floor.
I'm off to look up "ask vs. guess". EDIT: OK, she's the guess, is that what you're telling me?
I hear you all who keep saying, "But she paid for half, it's half hers." Even if that was the only issue here, it's easier to make plans when you know things. I can't argue with communicating early and often. Clearly I should have done that here.
posted by Prairie at 4:16 PM on August 4, 2011
I'm off to look up "ask vs. guess". EDIT: OK, she's the guess, is that what you're telling me?
I hear you all who keep saying, "But she paid for half, it's half hers." Even if that was the only issue here, it's easier to make plans when you know things. I can't argue with communicating early and often. Clearly I should have done that here.
posted by Prairie at 4:16 PM on August 4, 2011
Bottom line someone is going to be unhappy here. The choice is in your hands right. Will it be you for the entire week of your vacation or your mother and her friend(s) right now.
posted by JXBeach at 4:22 PM on August 4, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by JXBeach at 4:22 PM on August 4, 2011 [2 favorites]
You need to stop talking to people on the internet about this and go and sit down with your mom and talk to her. Voice your concerns just like you have here and she will either understand or not. It doesn't matter how you phrase it as long as you are honest and true to yourself. She can argue with you all she wants, but if she wants to be involved and constructive, she will work to figure out a plan. Just don't come at her as an attack, just say something like "I think we may have had a miscommunication..."
posted by TheBones at 4:41 PM on August 4, 2011
posted by TheBones at 4:41 PM on August 4, 2011
And, no, don't tell her anything, explain how you feel and see if you can come up with a solution together that works for everyone. If she is an adult, she'll not take offense and the two of you can come to a sensible solution together.
However, if she's not an adult, you'll have a temper tantrum on your hands... that, I can't help you with.
posted by TheBones at 4:43 PM on August 4, 2011
However, if she's not an adult, you'll have a temper tantrum on your hands... that, I can't help you with.
posted by TheBones at 4:43 PM on August 4, 2011
Best answer: I think you should tell your mom the truth and be prepared to refund her money. Don't accept going on vacation with someone you dislike this much.
You can be kind about it because it could be spun as a misunderstanding, but you are right, this is primarily your family's vacation. You have a right to enjoy your time off and get the most from your investment in the vacation.
Offer to refund the money up front, be kind about it.
Good luck!
posted by jbenben at 4:59 PM on August 4, 2011 [4 favorites]
You can be kind about it because it could be spun as a misunderstanding, but you are right, this is primarily your family's vacation. You have a right to enjoy your time off and get the most from your investment in the vacation.
Offer to refund the money up front, be kind about it.
Good luck!
posted by jbenben at 4:59 PM on August 4, 2011 [4 favorites]
"Mom, I really hate to say this, but I talked to everyone else in the family, and we all pretty much agreed that we'd like to keep this vacation just for us in the family. I'm sorry that we can't include Jane this time."
Uh, make sure that everyone else in the family actually agrees with you first before you say this to your mom. Hopefully the rest of the family will back you up on this.
Good luck, I feel for ya.
posted by HeyAllie at 5:30 PM on August 4, 2011 [1 favorite]
Uh, make sure that everyone else in the family actually agrees with you first before you say this to your mom. Hopefully the rest of the family will back you up on this.
Good luck, I feel for ya.
posted by HeyAllie at 5:30 PM on August 4, 2011 [1 favorite]
Seconding checking the cabin rental agreement to see if there is a limit- there may be a faceless third party to blame for vetoing Jane & company. Then remember the lesson for next time.
posted by ambrosia at 5:45 PM on August 4, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by ambrosia at 5:45 PM on August 4, 2011 [1 favorite]
Best answer: You've got three lines of defense here. The space issue, the family issue, and the compatability issue.
If you talk about the fact that you don't get along with Jane, it invites your mother to start defending her - this discussion does nothing to solve your problem. I'd avoid this avenue entirely.
This leaves you with the two others: you, as the primary organiser, planned the space from the beginning and there simply isn't room to accommodate one, let alone two, extra people - but if they can find a spare cabin they're more than welcome. This is just being realistic, and doesn't involve excluding anyone.
The second is also pretty valid, but invites your mother to discuss what the holiday's about: "it doesn't have to be family only" etc. I say go with the space issue and stick to your guns.
posted by twirlypen at 5:46 PM on August 4, 2011 [1 favorite]
If you talk about the fact that you don't get along with Jane, it invites your mother to start defending her - this discussion does nothing to solve your problem. I'd avoid this avenue entirely.
This leaves you with the two others: you, as the primary organiser, planned the space from the beginning and there simply isn't room to accommodate one, let alone two, extra people - but if they can find a spare cabin they're more than welcome. This is just being realistic, and doesn't involve excluding anyone.
The second is also pretty valid, but invites your mother to discuss what the holiday's about: "it doesn't have to be family only" etc. I say go with the space issue and stick to your guns.
posted by twirlypen at 5:46 PM on August 4, 2011 [1 favorite]
Stick to the practical - there are 8 people and 4 beds. Jane is too large to share a bed so someone is going to have to sleep on the floor. Since she invited Jane and *other* guest then she should be the one on the floor or sorting out an airbed.
Your mum paid half so she's just as entitled as you to decide who to invite but its up to her to solve any logistical issues that are caused by her choice of guest.
posted by missmagenta at 1:32 AM on August 5, 2011
Your mum paid half so she's just as entitled as you to decide who to invite but its up to her to solve any logistical issues that are caused by her choice of guest.
posted by missmagenta at 1:32 AM on August 5, 2011
Best answer: I disagree that just because she paid half, she gets to invite someone unexpectedly. She paid half when the trip was set up, knowing the parameters of the trip. Any change should have been discussed with the person who paid the other half, i.e. you. Not to mention, the rest of the family agreed to spend their vacation time and effort going on this trip as described. That's not a direct monetary investment, but it certainly disrespectful for three people besides your mom to have to deal with an extra person in the cabin. And there is just a mental shift when you introduce a non-family member into a family vacation (unless it is already a close family friend to everyone).
Personally, I like your own quote for this: "That is impossible unless she wishes to string up a hammock outside. We are already booked to capacity". But perhaps you want to be more diplomatic.
"Mom, unfortunately this trip required advance planning and this change will not be possible at this late date. Here is a list of the closest motels if you would still like to bring your friend and drop by the cabins during the day."
posted by mikepop at 5:48 AM on August 5, 2011
Personally, I like your own quote for this: "That is impossible unless she wishes to string up a hammock outside. We are already booked to capacity". But perhaps you want to be more diplomatic.
"Mom, unfortunately this trip required advance planning and this change will not be possible at this late date. Here is a list of the closest motels if you would still like to bring your friend and drop by the cabins during the day."
posted by mikepop at 5:48 AM on August 5, 2011
Talk to your mom about this. But DO NOT focus on the space issue, that's just dishonest and can lead to trouble. You've made it pretty clear here that you don't want Jane along for reasons entirely separate from space concerns.
There might be solutions to the space issue. Maybe your mom is willing to buy some air mattresses or rent a third cabin or whatever. If you make this about space and your mom finds a solution to the space issue and then you are still unhappy, then what?
You need to explain to your mom that you are upset that she didn't ask you before inviting other people and also that Jane coming along will make the rest of the family not enjoy themselves. You can say that you want it to be a family only thing or that you don't enjoy her company, or both, but you need to be clear that the issue is that your mom invited Jane, not that there isn't enough space for Jane.
posted by 256 at 10:34 AM on August 5, 2011
There might be solutions to the space issue. Maybe your mom is willing to buy some air mattresses or rent a third cabin or whatever. If you make this about space and your mom finds a solution to the space issue and then you are still unhappy, then what?
You need to explain to your mom that you are upset that she didn't ask you before inviting other people and also that Jane coming along will make the rest of the family not enjoy themselves. You can say that you want it to be a family only thing or that you don't enjoy her company, or both, but you need to be clear that the issue is that your mom invited Jane, not that there isn't enough space for Jane.
posted by 256 at 10:34 AM on August 5, 2011
Okay, this actually sounds like the numbers do, technically, add up, so using "no space" logic won't work. Judging by your third response, this was planned as 4 beds in 2 cabins for 6 family members (you, Mom, 4 others), so you'd have 2 shared beds and 2 one-person beds. There are then two half-bed slots free before somebody is, by necessity, sleeping on the floor.
"So Mom, there must have been some confusion way way back. We've reserved 2 cabins for the 6 of us. You know that will technically hold 8, but I'm not comfortable pushing hte capacity that much, which is why I only planned for the 6 of us. I thought it was really generous of you to pay for the rental of one of the cabins, but I hadn't intended you to think that you'd reserved all those spaces to invite people.
Mom, if you're sharing a bed with Jane, where is Jean going to sleep? I don't think anybody in the family would be comfortable sharing a bed with someone they don't know. If Jane and Jean were in one bed, you and [family] could share the other, but I feel bad for [family] who would be in a cabin without the rest of the family. And that's even assuming that Jane could comfortably share a full-sized bed with anybody - did you tell her that was the sleeping condition when you invited her?
On top of that, the reason we chose to stay in rural cabins was so that we could [outdoors, rustic, hiking, activities, canoeing, rugged!] - and with Jane's [knee, back, constitution], I think she would probably not enjoy herself very much. Were you planning to stay on the dock with her the whole time?"
(of course, if your mom was also not interested in those activities, maybe she's intentionally finding a vacation partner who will do what she wants)
The thing is, you can make objections, and appeal to reason, and make your mom help you solve all the problems she's creating. One solution would be to uninvite her friends, but she will find other solutions. Be prepared to discuss those solutions (No, mom, the park doesn't allow matresses on the floor. Yes, mom, we're definitely all going fishing every day). OR you can just put your foot down and say "Mom, I will not be going on this vacation if Jane and Jean are going" BUT I don't know how you could actually forbid them from being there.
posted by aimedwander at 12:04 PM on August 5, 2011
"So Mom, there must have been some confusion way way back. We've reserved 2 cabins for the 6 of us. You know that will technically hold 8, but I'm not comfortable pushing hte capacity that much, which is why I only planned for the 6 of us. I thought it was really generous of you to pay for the rental of one of the cabins, but I hadn't intended you to think that you'd reserved all those spaces to invite people.
Mom, if you're sharing a bed with Jane, where is Jean going to sleep? I don't think anybody in the family would be comfortable sharing a bed with someone they don't know. If Jane and Jean were in one bed, you and [family] could share the other, but I feel bad for [family] who would be in a cabin without the rest of the family. And that's even assuming that Jane could comfortably share a full-sized bed with anybody - did you tell her that was the sleeping condition when you invited her?
On top of that, the reason we chose to stay in rural cabins was so that we could [outdoors, rustic, hiking, activities, canoeing, rugged!] - and with Jane's [knee, back, constitution], I think she would probably not enjoy herself very much. Were you planning to stay on the dock with her the whole time?"
(of course, if your mom was also not interested in those activities, maybe she's intentionally finding a vacation partner who will do what she wants)
The thing is, you can make objections, and appeal to reason, and make your mom help you solve all the problems she's creating. One solution would be to uninvite her friends, but she will find other solutions. Be prepared to discuss those solutions (No, mom, the park doesn't allow matresses on the floor. Yes, mom, we're definitely all going fishing every day). OR you can just put your foot down and say "Mom, I will not be going on this vacation if Jane and Jean are going" BUT I don't know how you could actually forbid them from being there.
posted by aimedwander at 12:04 PM on August 5, 2011
Response by poster: 256: Well, she's not renting another cabin, as there are only two cabins in this entire park (it's a small, charming state park in the middle of nowhere). I know exactly how she is going to respond, she will be incredibly huffy and then she will start attacking me. I think the easiest thing of all the feedback/advice/solutions (of which I am incredibly appreciative of) will be to give her her money back. She is not the kind of person who knows how to negotiate. Or cares.
posted by Prairie at 9:07 PM on August 5, 2011
posted by Prairie at 9:07 PM on August 5, 2011
Best answer: The money back sounds like a good solution but I think the suggestion most of the posters are making is that you don't have to force this on her, you can lead her to come to the conclusion herself by saying something like, "Well mother, now you've invited a friend, there's not enough room, how do you want to handle this, would you like to share a bed etc" (in a less snotty way, obviously) which opens it up as a problem she's created that gives her the power to solve where she can't get upset at you, but really her options are limited to sharing a bed or not going at all. The fact that her choices have created negative consequences for her... really not your fault or your issue.
And really, if she's going to be like that what, wouldn't you rather she throw her little tantrum and leave you alone to enjoy your holiday than take this bad mood with her, go on your trip with you and her friend and ruin it for you? You deserve to enjoy it!
posted by Jubey at 12:07 AM on August 6, 2011
And really, if she's going to be like that what, wouldn't you rather she throw her little tantrum and leave you alone to enjoy your holiday than take this bad mood with her, go on your trip with you and her friend and ruin it for you? You deserve to enjoy it!
posted by Jubey at 12:07 AM on August 6, 2011
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by Ironmouth at 3:08 PM on August 4, 2011 [33 favorites]