In need of a nice benefits package.
August 3, 2011 10:20 PM   Subscribe

"Adult dating" websites...any use for a single male in his mid 20s?

I (a straight white male in his mid 20s) recently got out of a relationship. It had its problems, but there are things about it I miss.

Right now, what I miss most is getting laid.

I don't have a whole lot of friends or prospects in this area, which makes that more difficult than I'd like it to be.

I see ads for websites like AdultFriendFinder, XXXMatch, and their ilk every so often. It seems too good to be true, but I'm curious--are sites like this something worth exploring beyond the free functionality they offer? I'm sure they're full of fake profiles, but one can only hope there are real people on there too.

Before I pony up the money to make one of these sites actually useful--it would be nice to see more than one picture or send someone a message--I'm curious if anyone has had any experiences--successful or otherwise--with this sort of thing. I've used sites like OkCupid in the past, and while I have no problem with them, right now I'm just looking for some no-strings-attached fun, and in theory, I'm thinking this might be a better place to look.

Throwaway email:
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (9 answers total) 5 users marked this as a favorite
This is what craigslist personals are for.
posted by tatiana wishbone at 10:55 PM on August 3, 2011 [2 favorites]

I have a friend (no, really, I do!) who suggested I join Adult Friend Finder for exactly the purpose of casual sex. He's just turned 40, and met at least a couple of women that he um got to know, and a few others for just coffee, before he decided to be celibate for a year.
posted by b33j at 11:56 PM on August 3, 2011

Before I met my wife (through Yahoo Personals, BTW) I tried a few dating sites, including the type you mention that seem to be all about casual sex. Some of the women on there are indeed real people who are honest about their desires. Definitely. I spoke with several, even met two or three. However not a single intimate encounter developed. The sites mostly just fueled my fantasies and led to pages of torrid e-mails. (Fun, but not what I was hoping for.)
posted by wjm at 2:49 AM on August 4, 2011 [1 favorite]

This is really going to depend on where you are. The major problem with these websites is that yeah, there's all these profiles up there, but most of them aren't paying members, and you can't communicate unless you pay. So if we assume that some small percentage of members are actually real, it's only some small percentage of them that might actually be able to respond to a message.

It becomes a numbers game. If you don't live in a major urban area, there might only be a handful of actual paying members in your vicinity. It's not uncommon for people to send a few dozen messages before getting a single response, so if there are only a dozen actual people in your area, that's going to be a problem.

So New York, Philadelphia, Boston, Chicago, LA, yeah, you'll have no problem. But Bumf*ck, Kansas? Or even any urban area with less than a million people? Good luck with that. This isn't to say that it's impossible, only that the numbers are bad.
posted by valkyryn at 4:33 AM on August 4, 2011

i used some of those sites as an early 20s female. i found only disappointment. some dirty emails, some uncomfortable meetings, zero sex. i had more luck in the general yahoo chat rooms (this was in the late 90s, early 2000s).
posted by nadawi at 5:53 AM on August 4, 2011

When i was internet dating, I found that there were a LOT of dudes on regular-dating sites that were looking for casual things. While that wasn't what I was looking for so I can't say how useful they were in that respect- I bet they had some luck. You don't have to limit yourself to ONLY Casual Sex hookup sites, regular old OK Cupid could be good, just be clear of what you want on your profile.
posted by Blisterlips at 10:01 AM on August 4, 2011

I think a lot of women want more of a connection before they actually meet for sex. If you use the 'casual dating' section you can have a few flings and one night stands without actually being pressured into marriage :)
posted by Not Supplied at 10:22 AM on August 4, 2011

I'm a woman who's been on AFF for a couple of years. Here are some things you should know.

First, I gather that mens' experience is way, way different than womens' experience. Perhaps not surprisingly, men (actual, participatory, regular-people guys) far, far outnumber women (in the sense of actual, participatory, regular-people women). I have heard that there are many, many fake profiles of women and/or more-or-less thinly veiled attempts to recruit guys to other situations--porn sites, phone sex, escort services, whatever. So, be aware at the start that the numbers are stacked against you, in terms of real people, and there are many ways to try to finagle money out of you.

These are probably no surprise.

That said, there *are* women on AFF, and they do sometimes hook up with guys, for occsional fun or, indeed, for relationships. I've done it and I have several female friends who do/have too.

Be aware that the people on online sex sites are going to have different interests, intentions, threshholds. Some people just want to look (either at profiles or the webcams, which are kind of a gold mine in their own funky way.) Some want to just chat through the IM systems, or exchange email, or other virtual interaction. Many people express interest in going farther than that but won't follow through to meet when an opportunity actually presents, presumably because that is a big line to cross--much safer in many ways to interact online, even in very explicit ways, than to get in the same physical space.

But some folks are into it, male and female, and people do get together. Some people get *really* together; I have a female friend who's been married to a sweet and wonderful guy for 10 years, who she met on AFF, no joke. Much more common to be much more casual, of course. I have enjoyed quite a few dalliances, in town and in places I've traveled for work, sometimes with guys who are passing through my town. I also struck up a fuckbuddy relationship almost a year ago that's morphed into a great friendship and some of the hottest sex of my lifetime, which is really sayin' something. Score!

So, check it out if it piques your interest. Be aware you're going to have a lot of misses before you get a hit, be prepared for a lot of flakes and some crazy people, and be prepared to meet in some sort of public situation with no pressure to go farther, the first time you meet a woman in person. And: Condoms, naturally.
posted by Lola Xaviera Boom-Boom McPuppet at 11:05 AM on August 4, 2011

Ah, one more thing, regarding the free functionality--

People who don't pay on AFF can still look at the webcams and can use the IM system. You can't look at profiles or send mail without paying (well, girls can, but guys can't.) But it's pretty common for people to strike up conversations with nearby folks via the IM, then continue the connection via Yahoo or other chat system. So, it's still possible to connect without actually paying.

There is a lot more eye candy if you do pay, and you can email, which is a better-directed way to start conversations with people of interest, so it may be worth it to you to subscribe.
posted by Lola Xaviera Boom-Boom McPuppet at 11:10 AM on August 4, 2011

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