I tried to kiss my boyfriends friend.
August 1, 2011 7:31 AM Subscribe
I tried to kiss my boyfriends best friend at a party 11 months ago and I still feel badly about it. What should I do?
My boyfriend and I got together last May of 2010. He is awesome, I love him so much and I want to marry him.
In September I was at a party without my bf and got completely obliterated and apparently I was outside smoking with my my attractive, nice co-worker and told him that I'd been wondering what it would be like to kiss him. The co-worker told me the next day what happened because I had blacked out. I totally trust him. He told me that he had rebuffed my advances because he knew that I had a boyfriend. I felt awfully guilty but decided not to tell my boyfriend because nothing happened and I didn't want to upset him. I still maintained "co-worker friendly" relations with this guy and my boyfriend and I grew to be really good friends with him. He even dated my sister for a bit.
Fast forward 11 months later and he and my boyfriend have become very good friends. My boyfriend and I have talked about marriage (yesss!!!) and he has said that he wants this guy to be his best man. I like this guy a lot now too (as strictly a friend) but whenever my boyfriend talks about him I feel twinges of guilt about what happened. I feel like I betrayed my boyfriend. He is very sensitive and I know that he would be devastated if he found out what happened. The thing is, if the situation was reversed I wouldn't be terribly upset by it. But it is what it is and I did something that would really upset him if he knew about it.
How can I make myself feel better? According to The Friend, we should never talk of it to my boyfriend. I agree, it seems like it would be a selfish thing to do because it would just alleviate my guilt and make him feel so hurt. But when they spend time together I just think of how my boyfriend is so clueless as to what happened. I realize that I didn't actually kiss him, but I would have if he didn't rebuff my advances! I don't know what to do to alleviate my guilt.
My boyfriend and I got together last May of 2010. He is awesome, I love him so much and I want to marry him.
In September I was at a party without my bf and got completely obliterated and apparently I was outside smoking with my my attractive, nice co-worker and told him that I'd been wondering what it would be like to kiss him. The co-worker told me the next day what happened because I had blacked out. I totally trust him. He told me that he had rebuffed my advances because he knew that I had a boyfriend. I felt awfully guilty but decided not to tell my boyfriend because nothing happened and I didn't want to upset him. I still maintained "co-worker friendly" relations with this guy and my boyfriend and I grew to be really good friends with him. He even dated my sister for a bit.
Fast forward 11 months later and he and my boyfriend have become very good friends. My boyfriend and I have talked about marriage (yesss!!!) and he has said that he wants this guy to be his best man. I like this guy a lot now too (as strictly a friend) but whenever my boyfriend talks about him I feel twinges of guilt about what happened. I feel like I betrayed my boyfriend. He is very sensitive and I know that he would be devastated if he found out what happened. The thing is, if the situation was reversed I wouldn't be terribly upset by it. But it is what it is and I did something that would really upset him if he knew about it.
How can I make myself feel better? According to The Friend, we should never talk of it to my boyfriend. I agree, it seems like it would be a selfish thing to do because it would just alleviate my guilt and make him feel so hurt. But when they spend time together I just think of how my boyfriend is so clueless as to what happened. I realize that I didn't actually kiss him, but I would have if he didn't rebuff my advances! I don't know what to do to alleviate my guilt.
I'm sorry your drunken night happened. Those are the moments where learn and hopefully grow up from. One day you might have to tell your boyfriend but try telling a family member to see what's the best way to go about it. Family will usually give you better advice and honesty than anyone else in my opinion.
posted by InterestedInKnowing at 7:36 AM on August 1, 2011
posted by InterestedInKnowing at 7:36 AM on August 1, 2011
*where we learn rather
posted by InterestedInKnowing at 7:37 AM on August 1, 2011
posted by InterestedInKnowing at 7:37 AM on August 1, 2011
You were in a different time and place in your relationship at that time. Forgive yourself.
Do NOT tell your boyfriend. No good can come of it. You won't feel less guilty if you do and it will just end up hurting him.
Nothing happened. Don't live you life regretting what you kinda maybe could have done.
posted by inturnaround at 7:38 AM on August 1, 2011 [17 favorites]
Do NOT tell your boyfriend. No good can come of it. You won't feel less guilty if you do and it will just end up hurting him.
Nothing happened. Don't live you life regretting what you kinda maybe could have done.
posted by inturnaround at 7:38 AM on August 1, 2011 [17 favorites]
It's hard to keep a secret. I wouldn't tell, but maybe you should. If it's interfering with your relationship, even just by making you uncomfortable and nervous—if you're not truly able to shelve the memory and forget about it—then maybe your boyfriend deserves to know.
According to The Friend, we should never talk of it to my boyfriend.
This sounds like you have discussed the incident (recently?) with the guy you kissed. Regardless of whether you tell your boyfriend, you should never, ever do this again. You shouldn't talk about it with anyone who isn't your boyfriend, but especially that guy. Ever.
posted by red clover at 7:39 AM on August 1, 2011 [5 favorites]
According to The Friend, we should never talk of it to my boyfriend.
This sounds like you have discussed the incident (recently?) with the guy you kissed. Regardless of whether you tell your boyfriend, you should never, ever do this again. You shouldn't talk about it with anyone who isn't your boyfriend, but especially that guy. Ever.
posted by red clover at 7:39 AM on August 1, 2011 [5 favorites]
I'm getting stuck on the 'apparently' part of your question. You have absolutely no recollection of this?
If you are taking someone else's version of what happened, take mine: you made some drunken joke about kissing your friend, but there was no 'advance' to rebuff. His impression of the moment is flawed, just like yours is. It's no big deal, simply a conversation or comment that got over or misconstrued. There's nothing to mention to your boyfriend or feel guilty about. If it helps you to think of it as a 'party foul', you can do that, but really: there's no 'there' there. Nothing happened.
posted by dirtdirt at 7:48 AM on August 1, 2011 [24 favorites]
If you are taking someone else's version of what happened, take mine: you made some drunken joke about kissing your friend, but there was no 'advance' to rebuff. His impression of the moment is flawed, just like yours is. It's no big deal, simply a conversation or comment that got over or misconstrued. There's nothing to mention to your boyfriend or feel guilty about. If it helps you to think of it as a 'party foul', you can do that, but really: there's no 'there' there. Nothing happened.
posted by dirtdirt at 7:48 AM on August 1, 2011 [24 favorites]
There's no reason for your boyfriend to know. You were barely dating him at the time this happened, and nothing actually did happen. Nothing good would come of this--not even lifting your guilty conscience, because you'll still feel guilty after you tell him.
Think of it this way: we all have forbidden thoughts. We all see attractive people and notice that they're attractive, regardless of how much we love our SOs. We all wonder about things that we shouldn't do with other people. The problem is that the alcohol lifted your inhibitions, and you spoke those thoughts out loud. Considering nothing came of it, the incident was a relatively harmless thing. The lesson to take away from this is not to drink to the point of losing control of yourself. Look at it from that perspective, and let it go.
posted by litnerd at 7:49 AM on August 1, 2011 [1 favorite]
Think of it this way: we all have forbidden thoughts. We all see attractive people and notice that they're attractive, regardless of how much we love our SOs. We all wonder about things that we shouldn't do with other people. The problem is that the alcohol lifted your inhibitions, and you spoke those thoughts out loud. Considering nothing came of it, the incident was a relatively harmless thing. The lesson to take away from this is not to drink to the point of losing control of yourself. Look at it from that perspective, and let it go.
posted by litnerd at 7:49 AM on August 1, 2011 [1 favorite]
You need to tell him. It's so tiny and he should forgive you. You need to tell him that you weren't sure if you should tell him or not since no infraction happened, but you'd just been feeling so weird about the situation that you felt it was appropriate. Make sure that he knows it was out of character for you, you were very drunk, the friend turned you down, and it was so minor that you didn't even remember doing it. Tell him you're sorry for keeping it from him for so long but that you weren't sure if the situation was even an issue!
He may be devastated by it, but you need to share what happened. Let him know that you never found the friend attractive in real life--stress that you don't even remember it happening and that you do not like him in Real Life. Explain how confused it made you to hear that you'd done something like that with a person you don't actually want to kiss. Be totally honest with him.
Really. It will come out one day. Don't you want him to hear it from you instead of his friend's brother's boyfriend's best friend's sister? Some people are comfortable living with very minor lies in their relationship, but I know that something like that might eat me up inside. The longer you go, the more and more it is going to seem like a huge deception.
posted by 200burritos at 7:50 AM on August 1, 2011
He may be devastated by it, but you need to share what happened. Let him know that you never found the friend attractive in real life--stress that you don't even remember it happening and that you do not like him in Real Life. Explain how confused it made you to hear that you'd done something like that with a person you don't actually want to kiss. Be totally honest with him.
Really. It will come out one day. Don't you want him to hear it from you instead of his friend's brother's boyfriend's best friend's sister? Some people are comfortable living with very minor lies in their relationship, but I know that something like that might eat me up inside. The longer you go, the more and more it is going to seem like a huge deception.
posted by 200burritos at 7:50 AM on August 1, 2011
I also agree with Phalene. "Stupid me said something stupid. Thank God _________ was there to intervene! You chose a good one!!"
posted by 200burritos at 7:51 AM on August 1, 2011
posted by 200burritos at 7:51 AM on August 1, 2011
- Why did he tell you about this incident you can't remember in the first place? I don't get that.
- Why are you continuing to discuss this with him???
What did or didn't happen long ago is a TOTAL non-issue. Quite literally, nothing happened that night. Nothing.
However, continuing to foster this non-incident into a secret with a life of its own (a secret that would not even exist if your "friend" had been a gentleman and not told you about your drunken compliment to him in the first damn place!) is a grave error on your part.
You should talk to a therapist. This is manufactured Dramaz from beginning to end. Why do you need to manufacture drama?
Furthermore, you and this friend seem to be making this drama up together.
Therapy.
posted by jbenben at 7:54 AM on August 1, 2011 [6 favorites]
- Why are you continuing to discuss this with him???
What did or didn't happen long ago is a TOTAL non-issue. Quite literally, nothing happened that night. Nothing.
However, continuing to foster this non-incident into a secret with a life of its own (a secret that would not even exist if your "friend" had been a gentleman and not told you about your drunken compliment to him in the first damn place!) is a grave error on your part.
You should talk to a therapist. This is manufactured Dramaz from beginning to end. Why do you need to manufacture drama?
Furthermore, you and this friend seem to be making this drama up together.
Therapy.
posted by jbenben at 7:54 AM on August 1, 2011 [6 favorites]
Telling him would be a completely selfish act. It's only purpose would be to assuage your unfounded guilt feelings. Do you want your BF to feel bad so that you can feel better about something that truly has no significance? Deal with your own misplaced feelings and show your love for your BF by sparing him. NOTHING HAPPENED! Is this ongoing guilt a result of ongoing feelings of being tempted to cheat?
posted by txmon at 7:57 AM on August 1, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by txmon at 7:57 AM on August 1, 2011 [1 favorite]
I'm of the don't tell him school of thought on this one. For starters what's to tell, you don't even remember doing it, nothing happened except you made a bit of a fool of yourself while drunk to some guy who sounds like he handled it like a gentleman. It's way in the past and isn't going to do anything but hurt someone you care about, possibly 2 someones as it might also effect the friendship you and your boyfriend have with this guy. Because its not just your misdeed it is something that your boyfriends best friend has been keeping a secret from him too.
I'd just learn my lesson and be careful about ever drinking so much at parties again. As for the guilt, I'm pretty sure most people that like to have a few drinks at parties have highly embarrassing stories to tell. Which is all this really is.
posted by wwax at 8:01 AM on August 1, 2011
I'd just learn my lesson and be careful about ever drinking so much at parties again. As for the guilt, I'm pretty sure most people that like to have a few drinks at parties have highly embarrassing stories to tell. Which is all this really is.
posted by wwax at 8:01 AM on August 1, 2011
Wow, upon reading the other posts: really? If I was in the guy's shoes, I'd want to know. Keeping it a secret is making you feel guilty, OP, because it's keeping a secret from the man you'd like to marry and have no secrets from.
Tell him.
posted by ellF at 8:01 AM on August 1, 2011
Tell him.
posted by ellF at 8:01 AM on August 1, 2011
Bottom line here, you didn't kiss your boyfriend's best friend. Maybe you tried, but it still never happened. Be thankful that your boyfriend's best friend is a good guy and deflected the situation which in the end saved you. You were drunk. You barely remember the night. I'm not saying this is a great excuse for your behavior, but at the end of the day no harm was done. The kiss never happened. Telling your boyfriend could lead to a lot more trouble then it's worth. Not only will he lose trust in you, but his relationship and your relationship with his best friend will probably be ruined. You need to find it in yourself to just let it go. You made a small mistake. But it's not really a big deal. You did nothing wrong. Feeling bad about something that could have happened is pointless especially at this point. Stay strong and move on.
posted by ljs30 at 8:02 AM on August 1, 2011
posted by ljs30 at 8:02 AM on August 1, 2011
OK! I didn't know our only choices here were Tell or Don't Tell the BF.
OP, I see no way to mention this in a "light hearted" way to your boyfriend.
Talk to a therapist for a few sessions.
Please do tell your boyfriend about this incident right away if you want to create more of that Dramaz, tho. You have no memory of this incident and can't discuss it intellectually with your BF because you have absolutely no first-hand knowledge about what happened that night. What do you think there is to discuss with your BF after you drop a Drama Bomb into your relationship? The best case scenario is that the BF believes that nothing happened, but will forever harbor secret doubts about you and friend. Yuck.
Talk to a therapist, not the BF.
You could also just go to an AA meeting and listen to a few people speak. You might get some insight into your black out(s?) that way.
posted by jbenben at 8:15 AM on August 1, 2011 [2 favorites]
OP, I see no way to mention this in a "light hearted" way to your boyfriend.
Talk to a therapist for a few sessions.
Please do tell your boyfriend about this incident right away if you want to create more of that Dramaz, tho. You have no memory of this incident and can't discuss it intellectually with your BF because you have absolutely no first-hand knowledge about what happened that night. What do you think there is to discuss with your BF after you drop a Drama Bomb into your relationship? The best case scenario is that the BF believes that nothing happened, but will forever harbor secret doubts about you and friend. Yuck.
Talk to a therapist, not the BF.
You could also just go to an AA meeting and listen to a few people speak. You might get some insight into your black out(s?) that way.
posted by jbenben at 8:15 AM on August 1, 2011 [2 favorites]
If you and your bf are considering getting married, then you are secure in your commitment to each other. and something as REALLY REALLY SUPER MINOR as this is a non-issue.
You could tell him, you could tell someone else. I can't imagine he would feel broken and betrayed because at the beginning of your relationship (before you were super committed) you got drunk and wondered what it would be like to kiss someone.) Hell, I wonder what it'd be like to kiss other women when I'm SOBER, and I love my girlfriend more than anything. It's part of being human.
n+1 whoever said not to make a big deal out of it. But you need to figure out why you're making a big deal out of it in your head, too. Fidelity in the context of monogamy doesn't mean that you never have thoughts about other people, or even that you never express them to those people. It means that you are true to whatever the explicitly stated boundaries of the relationship are.
"i almost kissed someone" doesn't seem like it'd be anyone's idea of cheating, unless that person were super insecure. Is your boyfriend super insecure?
Relax and enjoy..
posted by softlord at 8:18 AM on August 1, 2011 [2 favorites]
You could tell him, you could tell someone else. I can't imagine he would feel broken and betrayed because at the beginning of your relationship (before you were super committed) you got drunk and wondered what it would be like to kiss someone.) Hell, I wonder what it'd be like to kiss other women when I'm SOBER, and I love my girlfriend more than anything. It's part of being human.
n+1 whoever said not to make a big deal out of it. But you need to figure out why you're making a big deal out of it in your head, too. Fidelity in the context of monogamy doesn't mean that you never have thoughts about other people, or even that you never express them to those people. It means that you are true to whatever the explicitly stated boundaries of the relationship are.
"i almost kissed someone" doesn't seem like it'd be anyone's idea of cheating, unless that person were super insecure. Is your boyfriend super insecure?
Relax and enjoy..
posted by softlord at 8:18 AM on August 1, 2011 [2 favorites]
People manufacture all kinds of drama out of an urge to "have no secrets" or "just tell it like it is" when the truth is that these contributions are rarely welcome and rarely do anyone (including the teller) any good.
Nothing happened. Forgive yourself. Never mention it again. If the friend ever mentions it again, say, "Honestly I have no memory of this. Please don't bring it up again."
posted by hermitosis at 8:19 AM on August 1, 2011 [22 favorites]
Nothing happened. Forgive yourself. Never mention it again. If the friend ever mentions it again, say, "Honestly I have no memory of this. Please don't bring it up again."
posted by hermitosis at 8:19 AM on August 1, 2011 [22 favorites]
If you're going to marry this guy, you should tell him.
Going into a marriage with a lie is no way to go into a marriage. Tell him and let the chips fall where they may.
The thing is, if the situation was reversed I wouldn't be terribly upset by it
Maybe you should assuage your guilt by letting your BF try to make out with your BFF to see how you'd REALLY feel about it.
posted by PsuDab93 at 8:19 AM on August 1, 2011
Going into a marriage with a lie is no way to go into a marriage. Tell him and let the chips fall where they may.
The thing is, if the situation was reversed I wouldn't be terribly upset by it
Maybe you should assuage your guilt by letting your BF try to make out with your BFF to see how you'd REALLY feel about it.
posted by PsuDab93 at 8:19 AM on August 1, 2011
i'd say tell him. it's eating you up and is already affecting your relationship. but you're talking about something that might or might not have happened to the degree your friend says it did, according to his (drunken?) recollection. how do you know this friend won't reveal it down the line, intentionally or not? or that he won't tell someone else who will? you're keeping a secret from your boyfriend, with someone else. if he finds later that you're hiding something this insignificant, he's going to wonder about important stuff you're hiding.
the thing is: your boyfriend should appreciate that you bring it up and your concern over it. if something this minor is a potential threat to your relationship, you should examine the strength of your relationship. if this is something he would freak out over, you're better off finding out now than down the line when you are married, when problems far less trivial will test your relationship. really, do you want to spend your life, handling day-to-day problems, big and small, with someone who would be devastated by something that is--trust me--this insignificant? this is really small compared to the kinds of challenges you would face in marriage, and hiding the truth and suffering the guilt is a strategy that will not serve you well over the long run.
posted by fallacy of the beard at 8:31 AM on August 1, 2011 [1 favorite]
the thing is: your boyfriend should appreciate that you bring it up and your concern over it. if something this minor is a potential threat to your relationship, you should examine the strength of your relationship. if this is something he would freak out over, you're better off finding out now than down the line when you are married, when problems far less trivial will test your relationship. really, do you want to spend your life, handling day-to-day problems, big and small, with someone who would be devastated by something that is--trust me--this insignificant? this is really small compared to the kinds of challenges you would face in marriage, and hiding the truth and suffering the guilt is a strategy that will not serve you well over the long run.
posted by fallacy of the beard at 8:31 AM on August 1, 2011 [1 favorite]
You are really really worried about something you don't even recall happening. At this point it seems to me that your feelings of (inappropriately strong) guilt will cause more problems than whatever reaction your boyfriend will have.
Normally I'd encourage you to forget about this, and maybe keep it as a guilty little secret to tease him with on some future cold night, but you really need him to derail your mental guilt trip before it starts interfering with more aspects of your relationship. (guilt breeds resentment, resentment leads to anger, and anger leads to misquoting muppets)
Also, people that say you should keep no secrets, have no secrets worth keeping. And no sense of intrigue.
posted by HFSH at 8:34 AM on August 1, 2011
Normally I'd encourage you to forget about this, and maybe keep it as a guilty little secret to tease him with on some future cold night, but you really need him to derail your mental guilt trip before it starts interfering with more aspects of your relationship. (guilt breeds resentment, resentment leads to anger, and anger leads to misquoting muppets)
Also, people that say you should keep no secrets, have no secrets worth keeping. And no sense of intrigue.
posted by HFSH at 8:34 AM on August 1, 2011
I'm married. I've been married for going on ten years. My husband is my best friend. He's the person I tell everything.
In 12+ years as a couple, there have been a number of hard conversations. Each of us has fucked up on occasion. But we have them and get through them, because communication and honesty are fundamental. Marriage isn't the end of the story, it's the beginning. Marriage isn't when hard conversations stop; the conversations get harder and the will keep going until you divorce or die.
I mean, seriously, this is eating you up and you can't tell him? People are saying "telling him would be selfish because it would just alleviate your guilt feelings", but. . . you're his girlfriend. He presumably loves you. Making you feel better is something he should want to do. Your feelings of guilt about an event you do not remember and where nothing actually happened are disproportionate.
Love is not some zero-sum game. Your feeling better does not need to entail him feeling just as bad or worse than you do now. He may very well feel some relief that the weird tension that any emotionally sensitive person would pick up on has been explained and the air has been cleared.
You're talking about marrying this guy. If you can't tell him "Our friend says I said something flirtatious to him this one time when I was drunk," how are you going to be able to say, "I was fired from work today. I don't know how we're going to pay the mortgage," or "I misunderstood my medical paperwork, and we now owe the hospital $5000 we don't have"?
It's been noted that the real problem is drinking to blackout. I double agree with this, because, if you have a habit of drinking a lot, you may have a habit of drinking instead of going the hard patch of solving problems. The problems of "doing things I regret while drunk" and "I don't know how to establish a habit of honesty in a relationship" may be connected through your patterns of alcohol use.
If you want to marry this guy, you don't go on with a secret that is eating you up like this. Maybe a therapist can help you frame it emotionally and say what you really need to say in a clear and loving way.
But for goodness sakes don't marry a guy you can't tell about a night where nothing even happened.
And fallacy of the beard's point that two people can keep a secret if one of them is dead is right on. Do you think this will be better if/when The Friend tells your boyfriend, possibly your husband?
posted by endless_forms at 8:47 AM on August 1, 2011 [13 favorites]
In 12+ years as a couple, there have been a number of hard conversations. Each of us has fucked up on occasion. But we have them and get through them, because communication and honesty are fundamental. Marriage isn't the end of the story, it's the beginning. Marriage isn't when hard conversations stop; the conversations get harder and the will keep going until you divorce or die.
I mean, seriously, this is eating you up and you can't tell him? People are saying "telling him would be selfish because it would just alleviate your guilt feelings", but. . . you're his girlfriend. He presumably loves you. Making you feel better is something he should want to do. Your feelings of guilt about an event you do not remember and where nothing actually happened are disproportionate.
Love is not some zero-sum game. Your feeling better does not need to entail him feeling just as bad or worse than you do now. He may very well feel some relief that the weird tension that any emotionally sensitive person would pick up on has been explained and the air has been cleared.
You're talking about marrying this guy. If you can't tell him "Our friend says I said something flirtatious to him this one time when I was drunk," how are you going to be able to say, "I was fired from work today. I don't know how we're going to pay the mortgage," or "I misunderstood my medical paperwork, and we now owe the hospital $5000 we don't have"?
It's been noted that the real problem is drinking to blackout. I double agree with this, because, if you have a habit of drinking a lot, you may have a habit of drinking instead of going the hard patch of solving problems. The problems of "doing things I regret while drunk" and "I don't know how to establish a habit of honesty in a relationship" may be connected through your patterns of alcohol use.
If you want to marry this guy, you don't go on with a secret that is eating you up like this. Maybe a therapist can help you frame it emotionally and say what you really need to say in a clear and loving way.
But for goodness sakes don't marry a guy you can't tell about a night where nothing even happened.
And fallacy of the beard's point that two people can keep a secret if one of them is dead is right on. Do you think this will be better if/when The Friend tells your boyfriend, possibly your husband?
posted by endless_forms at 8:47 AM on August 1, 2011 [13 favorites]
People do ridiculous, uncharacteristic things when blacked out that they would never do otherwise. Obviously it isn't good to get blacked out, but this isn't something that sober, rational you did, or would do. I would focus on never getting that drunk, rather than on what happened when you did - and if you do decide you have to tell your boyfriend, make sure you foreground the fact that the booze was doing the talking.
posted by Bergamot at 8:48 AM on August 1, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by Bergamot at 8:48 AM on August 1, 2011 [1 favorite]
That problem isn't with you and your boyfriend, it's with you and his friend. It was a bad idea to maintain a friendship with him and especially to let your boyfriend develop a friendship with him.
If you let this guy be the best man and your boyfriend later finds out, he is going to feel betrayed and made a fool of even if "nothing" happened. Maybe this guy should stop coming around so much? Especially since that's what's actually causing you so much grief.
posted by spaltavian at 9:02 AM on August 1, 2011 [1 favorite]
If you let this guy be the best man and your boyfriend later finds out, he is going to feel betrayed and made a fool of even if "nothing" happened. Maybe this guy should stop coming around so much? Especially since that's what's actually causing you so much grief.
posted by spaltavian at 9:02 AM on August 1, 2011 [1 favorite]
Ok, so you had only been dating a couple of months when this happened, you presumably were not talking about marrying your new bf at the time, co-worker was not your bf's friend at the time, and you didn't actually even touch anyone much less fuck them, correct?
Then I think you are in the clear, I would totally still tell bf though. I would just say, "This is really weird and awkward but I apparently told whatshisface that I wanted to kiss him at a party in like Septemeber! I don't remember it at all, but he told me and I've been feeling bad about it so I wanted to let you know."
This does two things, it makes you feel better about the whole thing and it lets you know what quality man you have. If he freaks out by acting like you are awful, you don't want him in the long run. (If he freaks out because he is sensitive and it hurts his feelings, that is a different story as long as he isn't holding it against you.)
posted by stormygrey at 9:06 AM on August 1, 2011 [3 favorites]
Then I think you are in the clear, I would totally still tell bf though. I would just say, "This is really weird and awkward but I apparently told whatshisface that I wanted to kiss him at a party in like Septemeber! I don't remember it at all, but he told me and I've been feeling bad about it so I wanted to let you know."
This does two things, it makes you feel better about the whole thing and it lets you know what quality man you have. If he freaks out by acting like you are awful, you don't want him in the long run. (If he freaks out because he is sensitive and it hurts his feelings, that is a different story as long as he isn't holding it against you.)
posted by stormygrey at 9:06 AM on August 1, 2011 [3 favorites]
told him that I'd been wondering what it would be like to kiss him.
I nth that you should tell because the guilt is getting to you, and because of endless_forms's point that you and this guy need to eventually be able to navigate stuff like this. And also that it needn't be a terrible, huge deal.
Keep in mind that you don't even know what you said. Did you say "I've been wondering what it's like to kiss you. I wonder what it's like to kiss lots of guys! I guess I'm a kissing fool. I sure like kissing fiancé?" Did you say "I've been wondering what it's like to kiss you. Why don't you come put your hot body next to mine and show me?" Did you say "I've been wondering what it's like to kiss you. I mean, don't get me wrong, you're cute and all, but you know how your upper lip and lower lip are different sizes? Your lips are weird, is what I'm saying. Have your girlfriends ever said what it's like to kiss someone with such weird lips?" Maybe you meant one and he heard another. It's hard to know.
posted by salvia at 9:35 AM on August 1, 2011 [1 favorite]
I nth that you should tell because the guilt is getting to you, and because of endless_forms's point that you and this guy need to eventually be able to navigate stuff like this. And also that it needn't be a terrible, huge deal.
Keep in mind that you don't even know what you said. Did you say "I've been wondering what it's like to kiss you. I wonder what it's like to kiss lots of guys! I guess I'm a kissing fool. I sure like kissing fiancé?" Did you say "I've been wondering what it's like to kiss you. Why don't you come put your hot body next to mine and show me?" Did you say "I've been wondering what it's like to kiss you. I mean, don't get me wrong, you're cute and all, but you know how your upper lip and lower lip are different sizes? Your lips are weird, is what I'm saying. Have your girlfriends ever said what it's like to kiss someone with such weird lips?" Maybe you meant one and he heard another. It's hard to know.
posted by salvia at 9:35 AM on August 1, 2011 [1 favorite]
Are you feeling guilty because there is more of an attraction remaining for The Friend than what you are letting on..?
I agree with a couple others, that most importantly (and it sort of seems down played here), is that you obviously need to stay away from alcohol.
posted by foxhat10 at 9:53 AM on August 1, 2011 [2 favorites]
I agree with a couple others, that most importantly (and it sort of seems down played here), is that you obviously need to stay away from alcohol.
posted by foxhat10 at 9:53 AM on August 1, 2011 [2 favorites]
I dunno... this whole "incident" wouldn't stand up in court. The guy tells you in the broad light of day that you tried to come on to him but he wouldn't let you out of respect for your boyfriend who he didn't really know at that point? You have no memory of coming on to this guy. What were his motivations for telling you?
- He was really into you and wanted to kindle a flame... but since nothing happened, he made it up.
- He was really not into you and was mortified that you claimed to be interested in maybe kissing him... so he told you later to embarrass you and make it clear in the cold light of day that he wasn't into you that way. What a douche!
- He wanted to create some dramz because he likes the dramz and figured you would too. What a douche! Don't play that game.
I get a sense you're pretty young. When I was pretty young everything had a hint of the dramz because everything felt sort of big and momentous. You will gain a lot of perspective in your mid-20s. A staggering amount. I couldn't believe how much crap there was that I needed to learn when I hit my mid-20s. It's freeing actually and it enables you to see that life is not so complicated and requires no additional OMG!! shit to make things interesting.
If you have recently been talking to The Friend about this, I suggest that you talk to him about it one more time and say this: "You know, I've been tearing myself up with guilt over this but the more I think about it, the more silly I think that is. I was trashed and I really have no recollection beyond the second margarita. You're a good friend to us and I want to keep it that way. I'm letting this go and I hope it never comes up again because I just don't know what I can say other than, I don't remember the night at all."
And then let it go. Forgive yourself. Laugh about it, in fact. Turn your back completely on the incident. I think if you bring it up to the boyfriend he'll know that you've been agonizing over this (giving it far, far more importance than is warranted) and he'll feel that the two of you have been colluding and keeping a secret between you. While I think this guy is your friend now, I think his motives for telling you such a thing are extremely suspect. So, let that guy off the hook just like you're letting yourself off the hook as the whole situation is different now.
And if you're over 25, I would suggest that you talk to a therapist about this crazy guilt and desire to create an incident out of very little. It'll serve your marriage well to figure out a way to talk this out and take a step back from things. Though maybe this is an isolated incident and you see yourself as a totally ordered person who never does these things. Then, again, as others have said: forgive yourself. Let it go. Be happy. Get married. Be in love. Learn from this and let it go. You need to focus on creating a strong relationship today. Do that.
posted by amanda at 10:15 AM on August 1, 2011 [1 favorite]
- He was really into you and wanted to kindle a flame... but since nothing happened, he made it up.
- He was really not into you and was mortified that you claimed to be interested in maybe kissing him... so he told you later to embarrass you and make it clear in the cold light of day that he wasn't into you that way. What a douche!
- He wanted to create some dramz because he likes the dramz and figured you would too. What a douche! Don't play that game.
I get a sense you're pretty young. When I was pretty young everything had a hint of the dramz because everything felt sort of big and momentous. You will gain a lot of perspective in your mid-20s. A staggering amount. I couldn't believe how much crap there was that I needed to learn when I hit my mid-20s. It's freeing actually and it enables you to see that life is not so complicated and requires no additional OMG!! shit to make things interesting.
If you have recently been talking to The Friend about this, I suggest that you talk to him about it one more time and say this: "You know, I've been tearing myself up with guilt over this but the more I think about it, the more silly I think that is. I was trashed and I really have no recollection beyond the second margarita. You're a good friend to us and I want to keep it that way. I'm letting this go and I hope it never comes up again because I just don't know what I can say other than, I don't remember the night at all."
And then let it go. Forgive yourself. Laugh about it, in fact. Turn your back completely on the incident. I think if you bring it up to the boyfriend he'll know that you've been agonizing over this (giving it far, far more importance than is warranted) and he'll feel that the two of you have been colluding and keeping a secret between you. While I think this guy is your friend now, I think his motives for telling you such a thing are extremely suspect. So, let that guy off the hook just like you're letting yourself off the hook as the whole situation is different now.
And if you're over 25, I would suggest that you talk to a therapist about this crazy guilt and desire to create an incident out of very little. It'll serve your marriage well to figure out a way to talk this out and take a step back from things. Though maybe this is an isolated incident and you see yourself as a totally ordered person who never does these things. Then, again, as others have said: forgive yourself. Let it go. Be happy. Get married. Be in love. Learn from this and let it go. You need to focus on creating a strong relationship today. Do that.
posted by amanda at 10:15 AM on August 1, 2011 [1 favorite]
"What should I do?" is answered in the rest of your own question. Forgive yourself, do not get drunk at parties (or alone for that matter) and have a good life . BTW, a blackout is never a good sign.
posted by rmhsinc at 10:48 AM on August 1, 2011
posted by rmhsinc at 10:48 AM on August 1, 2011
Mod note: This is a followup from the asker.
I'm the OP. I probably should have mentioned that I do have a vague recollection of the event but didn't remember until the friend brought it up a couple of days later. We haven't discussed it since, 11 months later. I agree that he probably shouldn't have brought it up at all.posted by cortex (staff) at 10:55 AM on August 1, 2011 [1 favorite]
After reading the comments I'm leaning towards not telling my boyfriend. If the situation were reversed, I'd rather not know because nothing really happened. Our relationship was in a less serious place than it is now. If he eventually finds out it seems like something that I can downplay easily.
I don't know why I didn't include this detail but I was so drunk that night that I needed to go to the hospital the next day. I haven't touched liquor since then. I have a problem with alcohol, and for me the only solution is to abstain.
If the situation were reversed, I'd rather not know because nothing really happened.
I would like to reiterate my earlier objection to the relevance of how you would handle this if you were in your BF's shoes. How YOU would handle this news is really not relevant to how your BF would handle this information.
I think it's unfair for you to decide what you think is important for your future spouse to know, with respect to this situation. If this comes out later, your credibility in your relationship is severely jeopardized (i.e.--if she lied about this, what else has she lied about?).
It's never really about the lie. Later on, it becomes more about the cover up.
Take care and good luck with whatever you decide to do.
posted by PsuDab93 at 11:04 AM on August 1, 2011 [1 favorite]
I would like to reiterate my earlier objection to the relevance of how you would handle this if you were in your BF's shoes. How YOU would handle this news is really not relevant to how your BF would handle this information.
I think it's unfair for you to decide what you think is important for your future spouse to know, with respect to this situation. If this comes out later, your credibility in your relationship is severely jeopardized (i.e.--if she lied about this, what else has she lied about?).
It's never really about the lie. Later on, it becomes more about the cover up.
Take care and good luck with whatever you decide to do.
posted by PsuDab93 at 11:04 AM on August 1, 2011 [1 favorite]
The easiest thing is to stop focusing on it entirely. Ideally, you should forget this non-incident ever happened, because nothing happened.
Now the scab picking is a whole different ball of wax. Wow.
The real take away from that night is it necessitated a trip to the hospital. It was the night you admitted definite problem with alcohol and stopped drinking. Way to bury the lede!
I think you keep picking this scab because of everything else that happened that night. I don't exactly know what to suggest, just pointing it out.
posted by jbenben at 11:23 AM on August 1, 2011 [1 favorite]
Now the scab picking is a whole different ball of wax. Wow.
The real take away from that night is it necessitated a trip to the hospital. It was the night you admitted definite problem with alcohol and stopped drinking. Way to bury the lede!
I think you keep picking this scab because of everything else that happened that night. I don't exactly know what to suggest, just pointing it out.
posted by jbenben at 11:23 AM on August 1, 2011 [1 favorite]
You were four months into the relationship, if I am doing my math right. That's a sort of limnal period in a relationship, where you're dating, but what the relationship is going to be, and what the rules of the relationship are, are still getting settled. Not everything in your life needs be shared with a boyfriend, or even a husband -- we are all entitled to some privacy, even in the closest of relationships, as long as that privacy does not violate some agreed-upon standards in the relationship.
Had you established exclusivity at that point? How would your boyfriend feel about it? If it was a one-off that won't be repeated, he doesn't necessarily need to know -- we all make mistakes, and some of them can be private mistakes. At issue is whether he is likely to find out from other sources, and if he will be more hurt to be told than not to be told. Also, how strong is your need to come clean to him?
The answers to those questions will inform your choice. There is no absolute here -- you don't have to tell him, you don't have to not tell him.
posted by Bunny Ultramod at 11:23 AM on August 1, 2011
Had you established exclusivity at that point? How would your boyfriend feel about it? If it was a one-off that won't be repeated, he doesn't necessarily need to know -- we all make mistakes, and some of them can be private mistakes. At issue is whether he is likely to find out from other sources, and if he will be more hurt to be told than not to be told. Also, how strong is your need to come clean to him?
The answers to those questions will inform your choice. There is no absolute here -- you don't have to tell him, you don't have to not tell him.
posted by Bunny Ultramod at 11:23 AM on August 1, 2011
Nothing happened. Forgive yourself. Never mention it again. If the friend ever mentions it again, say, "Honestly I have no memory of this. Please don't bring it up again."
Except that something did happen, and the OP has a memory, albeit an incomplete one, and it's important enough that they are asking strangers on the internet on how to proceed.
posted by ellF at 11:26 AM on August 1, 2011 [2 favorites]
Except that something did happen, and the OP has a memory, albeit an incomplete one, and it's important enough that they are asking strangers on the internet on how to proceed.
posted by ellF at 11:26 AM on August 1, 2011 [2 favorites]
It was a drunken kiss, just a few months into your relationship. In the great scheme of relationship errors, this is very small beer indeed. Let it go; it really isn't that big a deal. If you'd fucked the guy, that would be a big deal. This? No.
If you feel you can mention it to your man and dismiss it with a roll of the eyes and a shake of the head, that may serve you best in the long run. He'll know it was nothing and that you're just showing him the respect of being fully honest with him. If I were your man and you did that, I'd think very, very little of the incident and I'd rib my friend about it mercilessly the next time I saw him.
If you don't feel comfortable with doing that then I'd say that if this guy is going to be your man's best man, make it very clear to him that if he tries to make hay with the incident during his speech you will cut him dead forever. Or at least that you will look extremely dimly on the matter. Although given the fact that he thinks you should never mention this, it seems like this will not be an issue.
Meanwhile, stop feeling guilty. It was a trivial incident in the early days of your relationship. You are now fully dedicated to your bloke. Move forward in joy.
posted by Decani at 11:45 AM on August 1, 2011
If you feel you can mention it to your man and dismiss it with a roll of the eyes and a shake of the head, that may serve you best in the long run. He'll know it was nothing and that you're just showing him the respect of being fully honest with him. If I were your man and you did that, I'd think very, very little of the incident and I'd rib my friend about it mercilessly the next time I saw him.
If you don't feel comfortable with doing that then I'd say that if this guy is going to be your man's best man, make it very clear to him that if he tries to make hay with the incident during his speech you will cut him dead forever. Or at least that you will look extremely dimly on the matter. Although given the fact that he thinks you should never mention this, it seems like this will not be an issue.
Meanwhile, stop feeling guilty. It was a trivial incident in the early days of your relationship. You are now fully dedicated to your bloke. Move forward in joy.
posted by Decani at 11:45 AM on August 1, 2011
If this happened in my relationship, the part that would cause me the greatest concern is that you´re still holding onto this nearly a year later. To me that indicates either a great love of drama, more interest in the friend than you let on, or worrisome levels of self inflicted guilt. You really need to ask yourself why you´re still so focused on this nonevent. Your answer will help you decide what to do next.
posted by Space Kitty at 11:55 AM on August 1, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by Space Kitty at 11:55 AM on August 1, 2011 [2 favorites]
I think that there is no right or wrong answer to this question in a universal sense, but there could be a right or wrong answer to it in the specific sense - that is, for you.
Here are my starting assumptions just so this has some understanding. You are a unique, complex person. And I don't mean merely biologically, though that affects the complexity. I mean you are complex with regards to your underlying preferences, values, and overall personality. And while each of us is complex, we are also unique. There is a gigantic swath of ethical choices that we have to make all the time which are probably idiosyncratic to each person.
There's a lot of people who aren't bothered by the kind of event that you describe. They see it, and they think "I can't believe this is even registering on your radar at all - of course you shouldn't tell him". And that's not wrong for them. Likewise, there's probably a ton of things you do daily that for them would haunt them, but that does not mean you shouldn't do them, though it does mean maybe they shouldn't.
The fact is, you are still thinking about this, and it appears to prick at something. That means something. It's consistent with a theory that you just need to get over trivial things, but it's also consistent with a theory that in your personality, events like this have genuine meaning beyond what some people can even observe themselves, and not revealing may cause you real heart ache later. This is hard, though - in a lot of ways, you're describing an event which has a particular meaning only because you have ascribed to it that particular meaning. You maybe feel at times like you cheated on him, even though objectively you didn't cheat on him. But you feel like you "_________" (insert some word that's not cheating but not nothing either). And you can't shake it.
I worry that this is one of those things that you need advice on from someone who knows you really well, knows the sort of stuff that affects you and doesn't affect you, and has a certain maturity about them to think about this differently. My instincts say you may want to tell him if only because I think you may have certain hard-wired values which are going to be violated if you don't tell him. There's ambiguity around the event, yet these feelings are very real, and I think that's information - not noise - that you need to carefully consider. Anyone telling you to ignore it might very well never experience these feelings, but the mistake is to conclude that that is because their understanding of the situation is something that everyone else needs to have.
The one thing that you may want to keep in mind, too, is this. It's entirely possible that when you provide all the information to your boyfriend, that he breaks up with you. I'm skipping over a lot of stuff obviously, but my point it, revealing it could cause that. And maybe you value that relationship, or you think you do, more than you value the discomfort of having to keep rationalizing away this feeling that you did something wrong that night. But I think you should seriously listen to this: if your boyfriend were to break up with over what is genuinely a very ambiguous thing that ultimately did not end with anything physically intimate occurring when you were completely drunk and it was a year or more ago, then maybe you need to possess information like that now before you actually marry him. You are going to need forgiveness from your spouse for actually much worse things than this - things which you do to him more regularly. And vice versa of course.
That's my two cents. FWIW, I had a similar thing happen to me too. These are hard questions. Nothing anyone can say to you who doesn't know you is, though, really worth taking super seriously. These are the kinds of questions that only have answers with respect to who you are and who you want to be, and for some people, these are genuinely non-issues. And they aren't wrong for feeling that way. That does not obligate you to share their preferences, though. You shouldn't be ashamed of having these feelings. They mean something about you, and a lot of life is trying to understand that about ourselves.
posted by scunning at 12:09 PM on August 1, 2011
Here are my starting assumptions just so this has some understanding. You are a unique, complex person. And I don't mean merely biologically, though that affects the complexity. I mean you are complex with regards to your underlying preferences, values, and overall personality. And while each of us is complex, we are also unique. There is a gigantic swath of ethical choices that we have to make all the time which are probably idiosyncratic to each person.
There's a lot of people who aren't bothered by the kind of event that you describe. They see it, and they think "I can't believe this is even registering on your radar at all - of course you shouldn't tell him". And that's not wrong for them. Likewise, there's probably a ton of things you do daily that for them would haunt them, but that does not mean you shouldn't do them, though it does mean maybe they shouldn't.
The fact is, you are still thinking about this, and it appears to prick at something. That means something. It's consistent with a theory that you just need to get over trivial things, but it's also consistent with a theory that in your personality, events like this have genuine meaning beyond what some people can even observe themselves, and not revealing may cause you real heart ache later. This is hard, though - in a lot of ways, you're describing an event which has a particular meaning only because you have ascribed to it that particular meaning. You maybe feel at times like you cheated on him, even though objectively you didn't cheat on him. But you feel like you "_________" (insert some word that's not cheating but not nothing either). And you can't shake it.
I worry that this is one of those things that you need advice on from someone who knows you really well, knows the sort of stuff that affects you and doesn't affect you, and has a certain maturity about them to think about this differently. My instincts say you may want to tell him if only because I think you may have certain hard-wired values which are going to be violated if you don't tell him. There's ambiguity around the event, yet these feelings are very real, and I think that's information - not noise - that you need to carefully consider. Anyone telling you to ignore it might very well never experience these feelings, but the mistake is to conclude that that is because their understanding of the situation is something that everyone else needs to have.
The one thing that you may want to keep in mind, too, is this. It's entirely possible that when you provide all the information to your boyfriend, that he breaks up with you. I'm skipping over a lot of stuff obviously, but my point it, revealing it could cause that. And maybe you value that relationship, or you think you do, more than you value the discomfort of having to keep rationalizing away this feeling that you did something wrong that night. But I think you should seriously listen to this: if your boyfriend were to break up with over what is genuinely a very ambiguous thing that ultimately did not end with anything physically intimate occurring when you were completely drunk and it was a year or more ago, then maybe you need to possess information like that now before you actually marry him. You are going to need forgiveness from your spouse for actually much worse things than this - things which you do to him more regularly. And vice versa of course.
That's my two cents. FWIW, I had a similar thing happen to me too. These are hard questions. Nothing anyone can say to you who doesn't know you is, though, really worth taking super seriously. These are the kinds of questions that only have answers with respect to who you are and who you want to be, and for some people, these are genuinely non-issues. And they aren't wrong for feeling that way. That does not obligate you to share their preferences, though. You shouldn't be ashamed of having these feelings. They mean something about you, and a lot of life is trying to understand that about ourselves.
posted by scunning at 12:09 PM on August 1, 2011
fallacy of the beard also brings up a very good strategic issue. There's a possible timeline in which Dude tells your boyfriend both his version of the night and that he told you about it. And maybe he feels guilty - after all, he is now keeping a secret from your boyfriend. Easily I can imagine some friend telling the other friend this information - it happens all the time for all kinds of things, right or wrong.
If that occurred, your boyfriend might ask you about it, and I have a suspicion that while you may in some quiet moments convince yourself nothing happened, if he is genuinely upset - both bc of what occurred and bc of the way it was revealed - then it may be something you completely lose your grip on. You are going to be then defending yourself from the accusation of a "cover up", having to maybe navigate the extremely murky waters forming between your boyfriend and Dude, and deal with your guilt.
There is a way to do this, though, where you at least have to deal with fewer of those. You talk to him and you really try to communicate with him about this. You should absolutely tell him about the conditions - that you were so drunk you ended up in a hospital and a lot of things you don't remember. You should tell him that you know nothing actually happened - and be specific. No kissing, no touching, etc. And you know you've felt an immense amount of confusing guilt for a long time, and just couldn't figure out what to do. And then you guys work through it, because this is really the task of being married or being in any relationship, and it really is unbelievably hard to do. But this is a lot of what loving people is about - a lot of things are not clear issues like "I intentionally ran over your favorite pet with my car because I hate your guts". They are like "I don't know why I am always talking or making a fool of myself at the party, or why I get so upset when you cry about how poor we are" or whatever. So many things are about simultaneously addressing one's own anxieties, one's fight or flight tendencies, one's genuine love for another person, and one's effort to listen to and understand another person at all costs, even if it means hearing the worst things you could ever hear.
But you need to be that kind of person, and you need to be married to that kind of person. It's what both of you deserve, actually.
posted by scunning at 12:23 PM on August 1, 2011 [3 favorites]
If that occurred, your boyfriend might ask you about it, and I have a suspicion that while you may in some quiet moments convince yourself nothing happened, if he is genuinely upset - both bc of what occurred and bc of the way it was revealed - then it may be something you completely lose your grip on. You are going to be then defending yourself from the accusation of a "cover up", having to maybe navigate the extremely murky waters forming between your boyfriend and Dude, and deal with your guilt.
There is a way to do this, though, where you at least have to deal with fewer of those. You talk to him and you really try to communicate with him about this. You should absolutely tell him about the conditions - that you were so drunk you ended up in a hospital and a lot of things you don't remember. You should tell him that you know nothing actually happened - and be specific. No kissing, no touching, etc. And you know you've felt an immense amount of confusing guilt for a long time, and just couldn't figure out what to do. And then you guys work through it, because this is really the task of being married or being in any relationship, and it really is unbelievably hard to do. But this is a lot of what loving people is about - a lot of things are not clear issues like "I intentionally ran over your favorite pet with my car because I hate your guts". They are like "I don't know why I am always talking or making a fool of myself at the party, or why I get so upset when you cry about how poor we are" or whatever. So many things are about simultaneously addressing one's own anxieties, one's fight or flight tendencies, one's genuine love for another person, and one's effort to listen to and understand another person at all costs, even if it means hearing the worst things you could ever hear.
But you need to be that kind of person, and you need to be married to that kind of person. It's what both of you deserve, actually.
posted by scunning at 12:23 PM on August 1, 2011 [3 favorites]
Just a thought. You were unconscious when it happened, so is it possible you're bothered by an inaccessible memory of there being more to the story? If that doesn't ring a bell, though (and nothing you've said suggests it) then ignore me.
posted by tel3path at 12:44 PM on August 1, 2011
posted by tel3path at 12:44 PM on August 1, 2011
I've been thinking about this some more.
The reason why it would be a bad idea to tell right now is because you're not clear as to what you are telling. In a literal sense, you don't know what happened except through hearsay. Emotionally, and despite all the people telling you that nothing happened and that you're making a big fuss for no reason, this seems to be very significant to you in ways you don't fully understand.
I don't think this kind of feeling is simply to be dismissed as insignificant and creating drama for drama's sake. It seems like you want answers, and that's the kind of thing a therapist can help you with in ways that we can't. It's okay to want answers.
As for the issue of whether and how to tell your bf, the book "There's Something I Have To Tell You," by Charles Foster, works through exactly the kind of problem you are describing here. I recommend it often, and for good reason. If you could get hold of that book and work through it, that, together with some therapy, represents your best chance of not blowing this up with unintended consequences.
posted by tel3path at 2:23 PM on August 1, 2011
The reason why it would be a bad idea to tell right now is because you're not clear as to what you are telling. In a literal sense, you don't know what happened except through hearsay. Emotionally, and despite all the people telling you that nothing happened and that you're making a big fuss for no reason, this seems to be very significant to you in ways you don't fully understand.
I don't think this kind of feeling is simply to be dismissed as insignificant and creating drama for drama's sake. It seems like you want answers, and that's the kind of thing a therapist can help you with in ways that we can't. It's okay to want answers.
As for the issue of whether and how to tell your bf, the book "There's Something I Have To Tell You," by Charles Foster, works through exactly the kind of problem you are describing here. I recommend it often, and for good reason. If you could get hold of that book and work through it, that, together with some therapy, represents your best chance of not blowing this up with unintended consequences.
posted by tel3path at 2:23 PM on August 1, 2011
Was it the remainder of the event what made it so significant? E.g., you nearly died or hurt yourself AND you nearly spoiled this relationship that is now so important to you. You can come to grips with the first on your own, but maybe you feel you need to come to grips with the second together with your BF?
posted by salvia at 3:26 PM on August 1, 2011
posted by salvia at 3:26 PM on August 1, 2011
Glad to hear you are staying away from drinking.
Hey, maybe just be grateful nothing more happened. Sounds like it's a good wake up call, much needed before doing something that could SERIOUSLY fuck up your life.
posted by The ____ of Justice at 2:28 AM on August 4, 2011
Hey, maybe just be grateful nothing more happened. Sounds like it's a good wake up call, much needed before doing something that could SERIOUSLY fuck up your life.
posted by The ____ of Justice at 2:28 AM on August 4, 2011
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by craven_morhead at 7:33 AM on August 1, 2011