struck dumb
July 28, 2011 8:28 PM Subscribe
Do you have experience with a kind of anxiety attack that will make you unable to speak or trust your voice? I did not, until today.
I've been under a lot of stress lately, and even before that happened, I have been in therapy for major depressive disorder and PTSD. It's going pretty well, but I don't see my therapist for another couple of weeks, so I wanted to get your input about this in case it is a worse sign than I think.
This afternoon, I was dialing the numbers to make a routine, five-minute, no-stress phone call when I was suddenly paralyzed with fear that I was going to accidentally start speaking words from my preoccupying internal monologue out loud. I have never had stage fright, but I dried up completely. It felt like something was physically holding my tongue to keep me from embarrassing myself by doing this.
The internal monologue is of course a terrible and shouty one, all about Things I Am -- fraud, lazy, flake, failure, creep, ridiculous, petty, pathetic. (I know I am none of these things, really, but it gets overwhelming sometimes.) I was terrified that I was going to start speaking frightening nonsense to this person, and it would get out and result in a snowball of events that would cost me not only my job but any perception of sanity or seriousness as a person that I could ever possess.
I did nothing of the kind; I spoke normal words in a voice that was a little softer and slower than usual, but what was terrifying was that I didn't trust myself to say the words as I was saying them. Nothing went wrong on the call. Afterwards, though, it took me a good half hour to get myself calmed down and believing that I had in fact done nothing wrong.
I have been okay since. I talked it over with a friend and I think I'll handle it better if it ever comes up again. What I don't know is what this is, or how common it is, or how bad a sign it might be. Can you advise?
I've been under a lot of stress lately, and even before that happened, I have been in therapy for major depressive disorder and PTSD. It's going pretty well, but I don't see my therapist for another couple of weeks, so I wanted to get your input about this in case it is a worse sign than I think.
This afternoon, I was dialing the numbers to make a routine, five-minute, no-stress phone call when I was suddenly paralyzed with fear that I was going to accidentally start speaking words from my preoccupying internal monologue out loud. I have never had stage fright, but I dried up completely. It felt like something was physically holding my tongue to keep me from embarrassing myself by doing this.
The internal monologue is of course a terrible and shouty one, all about Things I Am -- fraud, lazy, flake, failure, creep, ridiculous, petty, pathetic. (I know I am none of these things, really, but it gets overwhelming sometimes.) I was terrified that I was going to start speaking frightening nonsense to this person, and it would get out and result in a snowball of events that would cost me not only my job but any perception of sanity or seriousness as a person that I could ever possess.
I did nothing of the kind; I spoke normal words in a voice that was a little softer and slower than usual, but what was terrifying was that I didn't trust myself to say the words as I was saying them. Nothing went wrong on the call. Afterwards, though, it took me a good half hour to get myself calmed down and believing that I had in fact done nothing wrong.
I have been okay since. I talked it over with a friend and I think I'll handle it better if it ever comes up again. What I don't know is what this is, or how common it is, or how bad a sign it might be. Can you advise?
I'm sorry about this. I think just about *anything* can happen within the limits of a panic attack. They are horrible, unhealthy things. I think of them as an insurrection or mutiny of sorts, in which all your anxiety becomes an internal squad of renegade citizens that take over the control room with sticks of dynamite and scream incomprehensible demands, throwing things completely haywire until the authorities can get the situation under control.
Huge relief that you're in therapy. Can you call/email your therapist to discuss this? If this happens on a more recurring basis, you might want to discuss fast acting anxiolytics like Xanax, etc with a psychiatrist. I only say this because panic attacks tend to perpetuate themselves and sometimes using medications can help break the cycle. Do this only with a doctor's recommendation and influence of course, preferably a psychiatrist.
posted by sweetkid at 8:46 PM on July 28, 2011 [1 favorite]
Huge relief that you're in therapy. Can you call/email your therapist to discuss this? If this happens on a more recurring basis, you might want to discuss fast acting anxiolytics like Xanax, etc with a psychiatrist. I only say this because panic attacks tend to perpetuate themselves and sometimes using medications can help break the cycle. Do this only with a doctor's recommendation and influence of course, preferably a psychiatrist.
posted by sweetkid at 8:46 PM on July 28, 2011 [1 favorite]
I don't know if either of these things are close enough but --
-As a kid, when I'd have nightmares I'd frequently wake up in a panic and not be able to speak or move at all for a few minutes. As far as I've been told, this isn't that unusual and it is harmless.
-From time to time when I'm in a huge lecture hall, or a church, or a theater -- basically places where you have to be very quiet and very decorous -- it will occur to me that I might suddenly scream out something shockingly obscene, or disgustingly offensive and not be able to stop myself. I have never actually done this, of course, I think my brain just likes to think up random things to be nervous about especially when I am stuck in a situation. I've had anxiety crop up from time to time in my life for a really long time, and the anxiety attack you describe doesn't sound out of the ordinary to me personally.
posted by Ashley801 at 9:07 PM on July 28, 2011
-As a kid, when I'd have nightmares I'd frequently wake up in a panic and not be able to speak or move at all for a few minutes. As far as I've been told, this isn't that unusual and it is harmless.
-From time to time when I'm in a huge lecture hall, or a church, or a theater -- basically places where you have to be very quiet and very decorous -- it will occur to me that I might suddenly scream out something shockingly obscene, or disgustingly offensive and not be able to stop myself. I have never actually done this, of course, I think my brain just likes to think up random things to be nervous about especially when I am stuck in a situation. I've had anxiety crop up from time to time in my life for a really long time, and the anxiety attack you describe doesn't sound out of the ordinary to me personally.
posted by Ashley801 at 9:07 PM on July 28, 2011
Anxiety can definitely make it difficult to make phone calls. I mumble and slur when I'm anxious, and I will postpone routine phone calls for weeks because I'm vaguely "scared" for no real reason. There's something with opening the mail, too... common, common. Talk to your therapist about it.
posted by bonheur at 9:26 PM on July 28, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by bonheur at 9:26 PM on July 28, 2011 [1 favorite]
I do this all the time to a lesser degree. It happens a lot more when I'm tired on top of the mountains of stress.
What I do to get through it is to try to have a script to work from in advance and focus very hard on that script. I also try to put myself in the role of someone who would be completely at ease in that situation.
posted by winna at 9:26 PM on July 28, 2011
What I do to get through it is to try to have a script to work from in advance and focus very hard on that script. I also try to put myself in the role of someone who would be completely at ease in that situation.
posted by winna at 9:26 PM on July 28, 2011
sweetkid, excellent description.
To the poster: I think your fear of blurting out horrible things about yourself is a normal example of panic attacks: they make you feel like you're going to explode in front of everyone and make a total fool of yourself. They may also make you feel like you're going crazy or going to die, etc.
I'm so sorry that you have experienced this. My husband has had panic attacks and I've seen that they can be totally terrifying and make you feel crazy or out of control. But, after awhile you start feeling like yourself again, and you'll be fine. Really. It's kind of like your brain shorts out for awhile, or your brain does a reboot and you don't know where you are anymore or if you can act "normal" or not. If you look at it like, "these are irrational feelings and a horrible situation, but it will pass", you may be able to detach yourself from the crazy that's going on in your head and patient enough to be calm and wait until the crazy thoughts pass. And they will pass. And you may never experience it again. And, even if you do, now you know it's not that you're going insane or really going to blurt things out, but just that you mind is short circuiting for awhile or rebooting itself, and you can wait it out and be fine on the other side.
So sorry again that you've experienced this. Sometimes less caffeine, more sleep, sometimes mindfulness meditation -- these things all might help. Good luck, and I'm glad you have a therapist to discuss this with as well.
posted by minx at 9:27 PM on July 28, 2011 [1 favorite]
To the poster: I think your fear of blurting out horrible things about yourself is a normal example of panic attacks: they make you feel like you're going to explode in front of everyone and make a total fool of yourself. They may also make you feel like you're going crazy or going to die, etc.
I'm so sorry that you have experienced this. My husband has had panic attacks and I've seen that they can be totally terrifying and make you feel crazy or out of control. But, after awhile you start feeling like yourself again, and you'll be fine. Really. It's kind of like your brain shorts out for awhile, or your brain does a reboot and you don't know where you are anymore or if you can act "normal" or not. If you look at it like, "these are irrational feelings and a horrible situation, but it will pass", you may be able to detach yourself from the crazy that's going on in your head and patient enough to be calm and wait until the crazy thoughts pass. And they will pass. And you may never experience it again. And, even if you do, now you know it's not that you're going insane or really going to blurt things out, but just that you mind is short circuiting for awhile or rebooting itself, and you can wait it out and be fine on the other side.
So sorry again that you've experienced this. Sometimes less caffeine, more sleep, sometimes mindfulness meditation -- these things all might help. Good luck, and I'm glad you have a therapist to discuss this with as well.
posted by minx at 9:27 PM on July 28, 2011 [1 favorite]
Just wanted to agree that this sounds par for the course with anxiety, and to emphasize that you did exactly the right thing by following through with the phone call. Congratulations for nipping a potential anxiety-avoidance cycle in the bud! You did a really good thing!
posted by monkeys with typewriters at 9:50 PM on July 28, 2011 [4 favorites]
posted by monkeys with typewriters at 9:50 PM on July 28, 2011 [4 favorites]
I've felt like this. Did you ever see The Aviator with Leonardo DiCaprio as Howard Hughes? There's the one scene where Hughes starts repeating himself: "Show me the blueprints. Show me all the blueprints, show--show me all the blueprints, the blueprints. Show me the blueprints."
Everything in my head would already be going in a loop and I'd be certain that I'd burst out talking and wouldn't be able to stop. It's that paralyzing feeling of being in an anxiety attack, out of control and unable to do anything, that fuels it further. I have to remove myself from the immediate situation, either by doing something physical, like going into a bathroom or mentally, like counting backwards from 100 by 7s. (I suck at math so that truly takes all my concentration.)
I've been in various therapies for anxiety/depression and the cognitive-behavioral ones have helped me the most with anxiety attacks, like the mental-math method. And yes, for really bad attacks having the option to dry-swallow a tiny Ativan pill is an immense relief.
posted by book 'em dano at 10:32 PM on July 28, 2011
Everything in my head would already be going in a loop and I'd be certain that I'd burst out talking and wouldn't be able to stop. It's that paralyzing feeling of being in an anxiety attack, out of control and unable to do anything, that fuels it further. I have to remove myself from the immediate situation, either by doing something physical, like going into a bathroom or mentally, like counting backwards from 100 by 7s. (I suck at math so that truly takes all my concentration.)
I've been in various therapies for anxiety/depression and the cognitive-behavioral ones have helped me the most with anxiety attacks, like the mental-math method. And yes, for really bad attacks having the option to dry-swallow a tiny Ativan pill is an immense relief.
posted by book 'em dano at 10:32 PM on July 28, 2011
I used to get this when my depression was not under control. I'd "short out" as someone put it up there, and just not be able to talk. For everything I came up with to say, my brain would come up with a host of reasons not to say it. So, silence, for a number of hours sometimes.
It never happened at a time when it caused a major problem, but it did upset an ex-partner when I couldn't talk to him for a while. But he was understanding about it, and just waited it out. Another time, I was with a friend, who pulled out a notebook and started writing to me. I could write back to him where I couldn't talk, so that worked well, as after we wrote a couple pages to each other I'd relaxed and felt able to speak again.
Anyway I don't think you're crazy is what I mean - I wasn't, just under a lot of stress and in a bad place. I'm a lot more balanced now, and I haven't had one of those dumbstruck episodes in years.
posted by greenish at 4:03 AM on July 29, 2011
It never happened at a time when it caused a major problem, but it did upset an ex-partner when I couldn't talk to him for a while. But he was understanding about it, and just waited it out. Another time, I was with a friend, who pulled out a notebook and started writing to me. I could write back to him where I couldn't talk, so that worked well, as after we wrote a couple pages to each other I'd relaxed and felt able to speak again.
Anyway I don't think you're crazy is what I mean - I wasn't, just under a lot of stress and in a bad place. I'm a lot more balanced now, and I haven't had one of those dumbstruck episodes in years.
posted by greenish at 4:03 AM on July 29, 2011
Panic can absolutely manifest this way. When it first happened to me, I literally thought I was losing my sanity. I didn't recognize it as another manifestation of anxiety. I would be in this one class I had that was a small seminar and suddenly feel overwhelmed by the fear that I was about to speak and that the words that would come out of my mouth would not be under my control. I wasn't sure what those words would be but I knew they would be out of place, disturbing, inappropriate, insane, etc. I would sit there for the entire class, sweating, staring off into space, and trying to achieve some kind of zen state of silence but feeling myself teetering on the brink of a total loss of verbal control.
Those were panic attacks manifesting in a strange way. It took me weeks but I finally figured it out and got some confirmation somewhere online that panic can do this. Before it had just been faux heart attacks and "uh oh there's no oxygen in the room anymore."
Once I realized that I was not about to lost my grip on reality or my control of my voice, I felt calmer and this type of panic attack stopped happening. The key to any panic attack, I find, is to realize in the moment what is happening, so being able to do that helped me a lot.
posted by prefpara at 5:42 PM on July 29, 2011 [1 favorite]
Those were panic attacks manifesting in a strange way. It took me weeks but I finally figured it out and got some confirmation somewhere online that panic can do this. Before it had just been faux heart attacks and "uh oh there's no oxygen in the room anymore."
Once I realized that I was not about to lost my grip on reality or my control of my voice, I felt calmer and this type of panic attack stopped happening. The key to any panic attack, I find, is to realize in the moment what is happening, so being able to do that helped me a lot.
posted by prefpara at 5:42 PM on July 29, 2011 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
I was feeling the same things (fraud, lazy, failure, etc) that you were feeling at that point of my life, and I know that had something to do with these dreams.
I've not had a dream with either the verbal or physical paralysis in a few years, which just happen to be the best few years of my adult life from a confidence and growth perspective. I think the profound depression I was feeling during the period these dreams were happening was creeping in, and I always kinda figured this was an internal metaphor for my defeatism and unwillingness to see that there were things I could maybe do to help myself not feel like a fraud anymore.
Hang in there, anon. It got better for me. I hope it can for you, too.
posted by GamblingBlues at 8:41 PM on July 28, 2011