Cut the fat
July 27, 2011 8:06 AM Subscribe
My husband is approximately 80lbs overweight. I'm at the end of my rope. Advice?
Inside the link is an extremely long post full of special snowflake details.
I am 30 and he is 33. We've been married for 5 years, together for 6. I'm not going to lie: he was overweight when we met, but has seriously ballooned into obesity over the years, gaining about 50lbs and moving up to a 54" waist.
These are my issues:
1.) He has vacillated between overweight and obese for pretty much his entire life. I don't consider us to be super young and resilient anymore - we are reaching the age where bad decisions like this are going to start catching up with us. As of the moment he is not pre-diabetic, but I really believe it's just a matter of time. The stress and mental anguish that this line of thinking causes me is substantial.
Furthermore, his weight is already causing a lot of health problems that can easily be avoided. His back is frequently out, preventing him from doing things for days. Or his stomach hurts. He's sick a lot. There is no doubt in my mind that 90% of these problems would go away if he was in a healthy weight range.
2.) I just can't bring myself to want to have sex with him anymore. My husband is a wonderful man and I love him very deeply. If I didn't love him I would have walked by now. But I work hard to take care of myself and I am a very attractive woman. He would be a very attractive man if he wasn't so overweight.
I know the lack of sex bothers him and I try really hard to force myself at least several times a month to keep him somewhat happy, but honestly I feel nothing at this point. I haven't been able to bring myself to orgasm or even really get turned on in over a year. All the fat repels me, not to mention prevents many sexual positions that I enjoy.
I'm not trying to deliberately withhold sex to punish him or get my way, but it is a deep and complex issue for me. We have a lot of arguments (started by him) about my not having sex as often as he likes. The thing is, I am filled with resentment at this idea. Why should I have to continually force myself to both engage in and at least somewhat pretend to enjoy for his sake, when he's not at all willing to make himself more attractive to me so that I can enjoy myself, too?
Trust me, I am not happy with the idea of this being my sexual life for the rest of my life. I long to have kinky, spontaneous and frequent fun with someone (him) that I am attracted to, and the idea that this will never change makes me die a little bit inside.
3.) I've tried all the typical suggestions of "cook healthy meals" and "go for long walks together", etc. It's not the food at home that's keeping him unhealthy and there's nothing I can do to stop him.
To wit: 2 years ago our debit account was suddenly overdrawn. This hasn't happened to me since college and I am very responsible with money. When I looked at the charges for the month I noticed that often there would be small charges at the same grocery store 5-6 times in a given day. I concluded (and he let me go along believing this) that someone at the store had stolen our account number and was using it. I was very upset and closed our account, started investigation proceedings with the bank, etc.
I went to the grocery store and asked if there was any way they could pull up the receipts based on the debit card number, and they could. All of the charges were for candy and soda, etc. It was not until this point that he finally admitted that no one stole our account and indeed he was the one that bought everything - adding about 900 onto our food budget for the month.
Other things in this vein include instances such as when I found a stash of candy in our guest bathroom drawer, confronted him about it, and he lied to my face about it being his. It wasn't until a long, mind numbing argument ensued that he admitted he was lying to my face.
While shit like this hasn't happened in a year or two, I can only conclude that he is still doing it on a more sophisticated level as we continue to eat healthy at home and he continues to be obese.
I can get him to go for walks with me and whatnot, but he never takes the initiative to exercise on his own, and also considers a light walk around the block for 30 minutes a few times a week good exercise, when really he needs to be doing a whole lot more than that. We have the necessary gym equipment in our home - including a treadmill just steps outside of our bedroom that I run on very regularly.
I feel like I could go on, but you get the idea. I love my husband and am not going to leave him, but I also feel so powerless and upset about this entire situation. I have tried being supportive and being tough. Saying nothing and saying something. I carry so many intense feelings about the situation that sometimes I feel like I have to say something or I'll burst, but it never does any good and only causes huge, abusive (him to me) fights.
Is there really nothing I can do if I'm not willing to leave and move on? Does anyone have any advice they can give me? Perhaps you had an overweight spouse and finally figured out how to get the light to go off in their head? Or you were overweight and could share how your spouse helped you?
I'm looking for anything at all here - I'm pretty desperately grasping for straws at this point and the whole situation just makes me so sad. We are both graduate students, so marriage therapy would be a significant financial burden to us, but maybe this is the way to go?
I am 30 and he is 33. We've been married for 5 years, together for 6. I'm not going to lie: he was overweight when we met, but has seriously ballooned into obesity over the years, gaining about 50lbs and moving up to a 54" waist.
These are my issues:
1.) He has vacillated between overweight and obese for pretty much his entire life. I don't consider us to be super young and resilient anymore - we are reaching the age where bad decisions like this are going to start catching up with us. As of the moment he is not pre-diabetic, but I really believe it's just a matter of time. The stress and mental anguish that this line of thinking causes me is substantial.
Furthermore, his weight is already causing a lot of health problems that can easily be avoided. His back is frequently out, preventing him from doing things for days. Or his stomach hurts. He's sick a lot. There is no doubt in my mind that 90% of these problems would go away if he was in a healthy weight range.
2.) I just can't bring myself to want to have sex with him anymore. My husband is a wonderful man and I love him very deeply. If I didn't love him I would have walked by now. But I work hard to take care of myself and I am a very attractive woman. He would be a very attractive man if he wasn't so overweight.
I know the lack of sex bothers him and I try really hard to force myself at least several times a month to keep him somewhat happy, but honestly I feel nothing at this point. I haven't been able to bring myself to orgasm or even really get turned on in over a year. All the fat repels me, not to mention prevents many sexual positions that I enjoy.
I'm not trying to deliberately withhold sex to punish him or get my way, but it is a deep and complex issue for me. We have a lot of arguments (started by him) about my not having sex as often as he likes. The thing is, I am filled with resentment at this idea. Why should I have to continually force myself to both engage in and at least somewhat pretend to enjoy for his sake, when he's not at all willing to make himself more attractive to me so that I can enjoy myself, too?
Trust me, I am not happy with the idea of this being my sexual life for the rest of my life. I long to have kinky, spontaneous and frequent fun with someone (him) that I am attracted to, and the idea that this will never change makes me die a little bit inside.
3.) I've tried all the typical suggestions of "cook healthy meals" and "go for long walks together", etc. It's not the food at home that's keeping him unhealthy and there's nothing I can do to stop him.
To wit: 2 years ago our debit account was suddenly overdrawn. This hasn't happened to me since college and I am very responsible with money. When I looked at the charges for the month I noticed that often there would be small charges at the same grocery store 5-6 times in a given day. I concluded (and he let me go along believing this) that someone at the store had stolen our account number and was using it. I was very upset and closed our account, started investigation proceedings with the bank, etc.
I went to the grocery store and asked if there was any way they could pull up the receipts based on the debit card number, and they could. All of the charges were for candy and soda, etc. It was not until this point that he finally admitted that no one stole our account and indeed he was the one that bought everything - adding about 900 onto our food budget for the month.
Other things in this vein include instances such as when I found a stash of candy in our guest bathroom drawer, confronted him about it, and he lied to my face about it being his. It wasn't until a long, mind numbing argument ensued that he admitted he was lying to my face.
While shit like this hasn't happened in a year or two, I can only conclude that he is still doing it on a more sophisticated level as we continue to eat healthy at home and he continues to be obese.
I can get him to go for walks with me and whatnot, but he never takes the initiative to exercise on his own, and also considers a light walk around the block for 30 minutes a few times a week good exercise, when really he needs to be doing a whole lot more than that. We have the necessary gym equipment in our home - including a treadmill just steps outside of our bedroom that I run on very regularly.
I feel like I could go on, but you get the idea. I love my husband and am not going to leave him, but I also feel so powerless and upset about this entire situation. I have tried being supportive and being tough. Saying nothing and saying something. I carry so many intense feelings about the situation that sometimes I feel like I have to say something or I'll burst, but it never does any good and only causes huge, abusive (him to me) fights.
Is there really nothing I can do if I'm not willing to leave and move on? Does anyone have any advice they can give me? Perhaps you had an overweight spouse and finally figured out how to get the light to go off in their head? Or you were overweight and could share how your spouse helped you?
I'm looking for anything at all here - I'm pretty desperately grasping for straws at this point and the whole situation just makes me so sad. We are both graduate students, so marriage therapy would be a significant financial burden to us, but maybe this is the way to go?
As far as I understand it, eating disorders are never about eating.
Also, does HE want to change? He has to want to change, first. If he does want to change, have him look at parts of himself other than the eating. You obviously want to be very supportive, but attacking the eating has nothing to do with it. I think scenarios like this are why professional psychologists were invented; I think this is pretty textbook stuff for one.
As a data point: I am a great weight: 6'4", 180 pounds, fit, no fat at all--yet I have severe back problems and my stomach hurts all the time, too, so don't focus on that going forward.
Regarding the sex, are there positions you can try where you don't have to actually look at him, thus making it easier to fantasize about someone else? (I once watched a British sex-therapy-type show, and they recommended this idea when one loves-yet-is-repulsed by their partner, at least temporarily. I never knew when one would need this bit of advice, but now I can sort of see the point they were making.)
posted by TinWhistle at 8:16 AM on July 27, 2011 [2 favorites]
Also, does HE want to change? He has to want to change, first. If he does want to change, have him look at parts of himself other than the eating. You obviously want to be very supportive, but attacking the eating has nothing to do with it. I think scenarios like this are why professional psychologists were invented; I think this is pretty textbook stuff for one.
As a data point: I am a great weight: 6'4", 180 pounds, fit, no fat at all--yet I have severe back problems and my stomach hurts all the time, too, so don't focus on that going forward.
Regarding the sex, are there positions you can try where you don't have to actually look at him, thus making it easier to fantasize about someone else? (I once watched a British sex-therapy-type show, and they recommended this idea when one loves-yet-is-repulsed by their partner, at least temporarily. I never knew when one would need this bit of advice, but now I can sort of see the point they were making.)
posted by TinWhistle at 8:16 AM on July 27, 2011 [2 favorites]
Write what you've written here in a letter, and give it to him. 'cos I can tell you it touches me, and makes me want to lose weight. He needs to know how you feel.
By the way, stealing and lying to support a habit? Mental health. Depression?
posted by Leon at 8:18 AM on July 27, 2011 [2 favorites]
By the way, stealing and lying to support a habit? Mental health. Depression?
posted by Leon at 8:18 AM on July 27, 2011 [2 favorites]
You both need professional help ASAP. It does sound like he has an eating disorder, and you two need marriage counseling. You need counseling to deal with your frustration and anger over it.
Your right, it's not fair for him to expect sex when you're not physically attracted which is a huge red flag as to how far you've fallen from. Additionally, the resentment is going to destroy your marriage with either anger or an affair. He's hiding his disorder from you, you don't understand it.
Seriously, get some professional help asap.
posted by lpcxa0 at 8:18 AM on July 27, 2011 [6 favorites]
Your right, it's not fair for him to expect sex when you're not physically attracted which is a huge red flag as to how far you've fallen from. Additionally, the resentment is going to destroy your marriage with either anger or an affair. He's hiding his disorder from you, you don't understand it.
Seriously, get some professional help asap.
posted by lpcxa0 at 8:18 AM on July 27, 2011 [6 favorites]
It sounds like your husband has a serious eating disorder and self esteem problems. Your frustration and anger at the situation is understandable, but isn't helping. I think you both probably could use counseling, maybe separate to start and together when you are both at the point where you can talk honestly about your needs and desires without anger - on either side.
posted by pazazygeek at 8:20 AM on July 27, 2011 [3 favorites]
posted by pazazygeek at 8:20 AM on July 27, 2011 [3 favorites]
This was really painful to read, I'm so sorry. :(
I wrote some stuff out, but pazazygeek said it all much more succinctly. I really hope it works out for you both.
posted by kavasa at 8:23 AM on July 27, 2011 [1 favorite]
I wrote some stuff out, but pazazygeek said it all much more succinctly. I really hope it works out for you both.
posted by kavasa at 8:23 AM on July 27, 2011 [1 favorite]
What a horrible situation. I think therapy would be really, really helpful here, for him and for the pair of you. And here's another idea, because you seem to be looking for some non-therapy recommendations too ... it sounds to me like you're locked in a sort of stalemate where he eats crap and stays fat and you stay mad and withhold sex. Someone has to be the bigger person here and just stop this - this is not how loving, married adults act toward one another. Can you try to just drop it for, say, three months? And try to mean it, try to redirect your thoughts and keep comments to yourself. No judging what he eats or how he exercises. Just let it be his issue for a few months so he can have some space to think about what's going on without having to be constantly on the defensive with you. I would further suggest that you use those months to try to reconnect with your husband - do special things together, think about your favorite things about him. The situation sounds ugly, and I don't think you're wrong to feel the way you do, but like I said above, someone has to give in and initiate change - what you're doing now isn't working.
posted by robinpME at 8:28 AM on July 27, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by robinpME at 8:28 AM on July 27, 2011 [2 favorites]
Yep. This is not about food and it's not going to get better on its own. A couple of long and honest talks are not going to make this better either. An eating disorders therapist who understands these issues (not a general therapist who is going to tell him to walk more often and see a nutritionist) is a great place to start. ANAD has a list of therapists and support groups.
This is especially hard for men. I have struggled with bulimia for many years and have had a very few men in the support groups I've attended. It's complicated for them because eating disorders are a "female problem."
I also HIGHLY recommend Something Fishy for treatment finders and just general information and message boards. There's even a board for friends and family that you might want to check out.
It's great that you want to support him. I hear that.
Good luck, it's a hard but worthwhile journey.
posted by Sophie1 at 8:29 AM on July 27, 2011 [13 favorites]
This is especially hard for men. I have struggled with bulimia for many years and have had a very few men in the support groups I've attended. It's complicated for them because eating disorders are a "female problem."
I also HIGHLY recommend Something Fishy for treatment finders and just general information and message boards. There's even a board for friends and family that you might want to check out.
It's great that you want to support him. I hear that.
Good luck, it's a hard but worthwhile journey.
posted by Sophie1 at 8:29 AM on July 27, 2011 [13 favorites]
You deserve a partner that respects you. You're not getting that right now.
Your university probably has a counseling center; you're paying for it, so you should take advantage of the services they offer. If you need something that they can't provide, they should be able to put you in touch with a therapist that bills on a sliding scale.
Take care of yourself.
posted by giraffe at 8:29 AM on July 27, 2011
Your university probably has a counseling center; you're paying for it, so you should take advantage of the services they offer. If you need something that they can't provide, they should be able to put you in touch with a therapist that bills on a sliding scale.
Take care of yourself.
posted by giraffe at 8:29 AM on July 27, 2011
Stealing money to buy $900 (!) worth of candy and soda - that's an awful lot of money just for junk food - and lying about it is a red flag for addiction. Your husband is behaving exactly like an alcoholic in denial, except he's a "food-aholic."
He, you and both of you need counseling ASAP. He also might be self-medicating for another disorder entirely - could he be depressed? bipolar? If so, then getting on the correct medication regimen could be a HUGE help. So he needs a doctor in addition to a counselor.
Finally, don't feel like you have to force yourself to have sex with him. It will do bad things to your own sex drive and mental health. It could also drive you into an affair. So don't have sex; if he's feeling all deprived that might be part of the "hitting bottom" that encourages him to get help. That's not withholding, that's being true to yourself and having a sense of mental self-preservation.
posted by Rosie M. Banks at 8:30 AM on July 27, 2011 [18 favorites]
He, you and both of you need counseling ASAP. He also might be self-medicating for another disorder entirely - could he be depressed? bipolar? If so, then getting on the correct medication regimen could be a HUGE help. So he needs a doctor in addition to a counselor.
Finally, don't feel like you have to force yourself to have sex with him. It will do bad things to your own sex drive and mental health. It could also drive you into an affair. So don't have sex; if he's feeling all deprived that might be part of the "hitting bottom" that encourages him to get help. That's not withholding, that's being true to yourself and having a sense of mental self-preservation.
posted by Rosie M. Banks at 8:30 AM on July 27, 2011 [18 favorites]
I'm usually the last person to recommend therapy, but shit. This is a legitimate eating disorder (hiding candy in the drawer and pretending it's not his is a HUGE deal), and it needs to be dealt with professionally.
posted by Jon_Evil at 8:40 AM on July 27, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by Jon_Evil at 8:40 AM on July 27, 2011 [1 favorite]
Among other things you ask, this one sticks out:
What you can do is control your response. What you're doing now isn't working. You should get counseling, together if possible, but by yourself if your husband refuses to participate. A good counselor can help you work through possible responses.
Has your husband's behavior changed recently? Did he have more interest in exercising formerly? That might suggest any number of problems that could be physiological as well as psychological. A thorough physical might be a good idea. Do you think he would agree to that?
If his behavior is consistent, though, and he has always been heavy (as you note), then you might want to explore whether you entered the relationship hoping that you could make him into a slimmer, fitter person. Your remark that "we are reaching the age where bad decisions like this are going to start catching up with us" suggests that you may have harbored such hopes. If you and he were not on the same page about this from the beginning, then the problems you describe may have their origins very early on.
And finally, on preview, as giraffe noted, you deserve a partner who respects you. But (as C. Hax would also say) so does your husband. And if your question expresses your deepest feelings about him and not just an outburst of frustration, then you don't seem to respect him any more. Unless you can reach common ground, it's not fair to prolong your marriage. You say that you love him, but without respect, love will wither.
posted by brianogilvie at 8:40 AM on July 27, 2011 [12 favorites]
Perhaps you had an overweight spouse and finally figured out how to get the light to go off in their head?As my favorite advice columnist, Carolyn Hax, might say, you can't make the light go on in their head. You can't force your husband to change. He has to want to change. Cajoling and nagging apparently haven't succeeded. Maybe an ultimatum would, or maybe it would just make him dig in his heels harder. When one partner is angry and frustrated with a situation, they often evoke anger and frustration in the other, feeding a vicious circle.
What you can do is control your response. What you're doing now isn't working. You should get counseling, together if possible, but by yourself if your husband refuses to participate. A good counselor can help you work through possible responses.
Has your husband's behavior changed recently? Did he have more interest in exercising formerly? That might suggest any number of problems that could be physiological as well as psychological. A thorough physical might be a good idea. Do you think he would agree to that?
If his behavior is consistent, though, and he has always been heavy (as you note), then you might want to explore whether you entered the relationship hoping that you could make him into a slimmer, fitter person. Your remark that "we are reaching the age where bad decisions like this are going to start catching up with us" suggests that you may have harbored such hopes. If you and he were not on the same page about this from the beginning, then the problems you describe may have their origins very early on.
And finally, on preview, as giraffe noted, you deserve a partner who respects you. But (as C. Hax would also say) so does your husband. And if your question expresses your deepest feelings about him and not just an outburst of frustration, then you don't seem to respect him any more. Unless you can reach common ground, it's not fair to prolong your marriage. You say that you love him, but without respect, love will wither.
posted by brianogilvie at 8:40 AM on July 27, 2011 [12 favorites]
Honestly, it sounds as though you love him but no longer respect him. As others have said, he cannot change for you, he can only change for himself.
Some of the rhetoric in your question is quite alarming. I would try to separate the feelings (repulsion, disrespect, assumptions of laziness and duplicity) from the real danger that your husband's situation poses for himself (health problems, self esteem issues, money troubles). Take the emphasis away from how he looks.
Ask him why he eats, when he eats and how he eats - listen carefully and reassure him constantly that you will not think any differently of him. Keep in mind any and all personal failures of your own to remind yourself that everyone is fallible. He might find that he wants to change, and if he feels unreserved support he may be more receptive.
However, he might not, he might remain obese for the rest of his life. If you cannot respect him the way he is now, you should consider moving on.
On preview: what brianogilvie said.
posted by dumdidumdum at 8:53 AM on July 27, 2011
Some of the rhetoric in your question is quite alarming. I would try to separate the feelings (repulsion, disrespect, assumptions of laziness and duplicity) from the real danger that your husband's situation poses for himself (health problems, self esteem issues, money troubles). Take the emphasis away from how he looks.
Ask him why he eats, when he eats and how he eats - listen carefully and reassure him constantly that you will not think any differently of him. Keep in mind any and all personal failures of your own to remind yourself that everyone is fallible. He might find that he wants to change, and if he feels unreserved support he may be more receptive.
However, he might not, he might remain obese for the rest of his life. If you cannot respect him the way he is now, you should consider moving on.
On preview: what brianogilvie said.
posted by dumdidumdum at 8:53 AM on July 27, 2011
He sounds seriously depressed, you sound very angry and resentful, and this is about so much more than food. The lying is a critical issue. You should be able to trust your spouse. You should not be forced (or guilted) into having sex.
Tell him you're going to go to counseling, and you want him to be there. Don't have sex, unless you want to. When he complains, explain to him that you don't feel you can trust him. It's going to severely hurt him to be told that you're not attracted to him anymore, so I would hold off on that, for the time being. One thing to keep in mind is that if he feels as if you're depriving him sexually, he may respond by eating more crap. Do not let him blame those actions on you.
Regarding the financial part of it (even though you didn't ask outright,) I don't like this option, but you might want to go with the envelope method. If you're buying healthy food at home that can also be taken for lunch, explain that budget constraints are an important issue, and that you need to be able to trust him with this. Set up a separate account to be used only for eating out, or junk food if he wants to do that, so that there is an allotment for something besides just groceries. Maybe in part with therapy, it could help him to still feel like he has some control and that he's not being completely deprived. But IANYTherapist, and I certainly am not an expert on these things.
Good luck. This sounds like a terrible situation, and I really hope you can turn it around.
posted by mitzyjalapeno at 8:55 AM on July 27, 2011 [3 favorites]
Tell him you're going to go to counseling, and you want him to be there. Don't have sex, unless you want to. When he complains, explain to him that you don't feel you can trust him. It's going to severely hurt him to be told that you're not attracted to him anymore, so I would hold off on that, for the time being. One thing to keep in mind is that if he feels as if you're depriving him sexually, he may respond by eating more crap. Do not let him blame those actions on you.
Regarding the financial part of it (even though you didn't ask outright,) I don't like this option, but you might want to go with the envelope method. If you're buying healthy food at home that can also be taken for lunch, explain that budget constraints are an important issue, and that you need to be able to trust him with this. Set up a separate account to be used only for eating out, or junk food if he wants to do that, so that there is an allotment for something besides just groceries. Maybe in part with therapy, it could help him to still feel like he has some control and that he's not being completely deprived. But IANYTherapist, and I certainly am not an expert on these things.
Good luck. This sounds like a terrible situation, and I really hope you can turn it around.
posted by mitzyjalapeno at 8:55 AM on July 27, 2011 [3 favorites]
My partner is obese (almost 100 pounds overweight) and is trying to lose weight at the moment. There is some similarity between your situation and mine although, I'm sorry to say yours sounds more serious in that your partner has lied about food and doesn't seem motivated to change. I used to find candy wrappers in the car all the time but my partner would always admit what he had done. Also he did have a really stressful job which caused him to binge even more but has been able to transfer away from that job now which has helped. Based on my experience with my partner, here's what I recommend:
1. Try to figure out if your husband is going through something stressful that's causing him to binge. If so, try to figure out a way to remove this stressor.
2. Try a carrot and a stick approach. I'm trying to lose a little weight too (I'm about 20 pounds over my ideal weight) so what we do is this: I bought an iPod Touch. We have a competition and whoever loses the most weight gets to keep the iPod for the week. My partner really loves that iPod and the thought of being without it for a week does help him control his impulses. The stick is that each week one of us gains weight we have to pay a £10 fine into our savings.
3. Cook things he likes at home. I know you said it's not the food at home that's the problem, but if you try to cook healthier versions of his favorites it might help satisfy his cravings. We switch back and forth every couple of months between low carb and low fat, because it gives us variety. On low carb, I make meals that imitate junk like macaroni and cheese with dreamfields macaroni, and pizza with low carb tortillas. He gets to eat diabetic milk chocolate that's low carb and tastes just like the real thing (you can't overdo it on that stuff either because if so you get punished with a few hours on the toilet!).
4. Also he never tasted a lot of exotic foods before he met me so I try to introduce him to healthy stuff I think he'd like. He now eats lots of mango when we're low-fat, and halloumi with aubergine when we're low carb. He had never tried any of these things before.
5. Exercise isn't as important as diet for weight loss. My partner does exercise but I don't nag him about it when he doesn't. I do nag/encourage him to eat well, though. I consider this picking my battles.
So, the above is what's working in our household. I think if your partner gets to the point where he's motivated, these things would work for you, too. But he has to want to change, and he has to get help for his eating disorder. Best of luck to you both.
posted by hazyjane at 8:55 AM on July 27, 2011 [2 favorites]
1. Try to figure out if your husband is going through something stressful that's causing him to binge. If so, try to figure out a way to remove this stressor.
2. Try a carrot and a stick approach. I'm trying to lose a little weight too (I'm about 20 pounds over my ideal weight) so what we do is this: I bought an iPod Touch. We have a competition and whoever loses the most weight gets to keep the iPod for the week. My partner really loves that iPod and the thought of being without it for a week does help him control his impulses. The stick is that each week one of us gains weight we have to pay a £10 fine into our savings.
3. Cook things he likes at home. I know you said it's not the food at home that's the problem, but if you try to cook healthier versions of his favorites it might help satisfy his cravings. We switch back and forth every couple of months between low carb and low fat, because it gives us variety. On low carb, I make meals that imitate junk like macaroni and cheese with dreamfields macaroni, and pizza with low carb tortillas. He gets to eat diabetic milk chocolate that's low carb and tastes just like the real thing (you can't overdo it on that stuff either because if so you get punished with a few hours on the toilet!).
4. Also he never tasted a lot of exotic foods before he met me so I try to introduce him to healthy stuff I think he'd like. He now eats lots of mango when we're low-fat, and halloumi with aubergine when we're low carb. He had never tried any of these things before.
5. Exercise isn't as important as diet for weight loss. My partner does exercise but I don't nag him about it when he doesn't. I do nag/encourage him to eat well, though. I consider this picking my battles.
So, the above is what's working in our household. I think if your partner gets to the point where he's motivated, these things would work for you, too. But he has to want to change, and he has to get help for his eating disorder. Best of luck to you both.
posted by hazyjane at 8:55 AM on July 27, 2011 [2 favorites]
I formerly had a diagnosis of anorexia, and now I am a relatively happy, relatively healthy fat person. Your husband has an eating disorder, and every single thing you are doing is making it worse. Full stop. I know you think you are helping. My mother thought she was helping by forcing me to eat in front of her, by "secretly" fattening up my food, by restricting my time alone (so I couldn't exercise), by stocking the house with junk food that I had previously loved, by making a big deal out of every time I actually ate. The more she did this, the sicker I got.
Eating disorders, at their root, are about control, with a nice thick coating of shame and self-loathing. You are trying to exert control over your husband's eating and exercise, and by your own admission you have used shaming tactics to try to do so. Right now, for whatever reason, he feels that he doesn't have control and consciously or not, he is exerting control over the only thing he can: his body. The more you push, the more you hit those triggers, the worse he is going to get.
Others above are correct that he has to want to change. You can present him with information about eating disorders and eating disorder support groups (good links above). Tell him you love him. Tell him about the non-physical things you love about him. Tell him you are going to back off his eating and exercise habits (although he does need to be more financially responsible about it--no putting you guys in the red), and then DO IT.
Get your own therapist. When you want to vent about his actions, vent to him/her. Keep a journal. Whatever you need to do to NOT bring it up to your husband.
You also need to think about the future of your relationship. What if he doesn't want to get help now? What if he does get help, gets his eating under control--and is still fat? It is possible to be both fat and healthy. Right now he is not, but he could turn out that way. You both deserve to be happy, and you are doing him no favours by staying with him if you resent him and are not attracted to him.
posted by catwoman429 at 8:58 AM on July 27, 2011 [62 favorites]
Eating disorders, at their root, are about control, with a nice thick coating of shame and self-loathing. You are trying to exert control over your husband's eating and exercise, and by your own admission you have used shaming tactics to try to do so. Right now, for whatever reason, he feels that he doesn't have control and consciously or not, he is exerting control over the only thing he can: his body. The more you push, the more you hit those triggers, the worse he is going to get.
Others above are correct that he has to want to change. You can present him with information about eating disorders and eating disorder support groups (good links above). Tell him you love him. Tell him about the non-physical things you love about him. Tell him you are going to back off his eating and exercise habits (although he does need to be more financially responsible about it--no putting you guys in the red), and then DO IT.
Get your own therapist. When you want to vent about his actions, vent to him/her. Keep a journal. Whatever you need to do to NOT bring it up to your husband.
You also need to think about the future of your relationship. What if he doesn't want to get help now? What if he does get help, gets his eating under control--and is still fat? It is possible to be both fat and healthy. Right now he is not, but he could turn out that way. You both deserve to be happy, and you are doing him no favours by staying with him if you resent him and are not attracted to him.
posted by catwoman429 at 8:58 AM on July 27, 2011 [62 favorites]
I should have added, feel free to PM me if you want to chat about this. IANATherapist or YT, but I've been doing the eating disorders recovery thing for about a decade with a good degree of success and I'd be happy to listen/refer.
posted by Sophie1 at 9:11 AM on July 27, 2011
posted by Sophie1 at 9:11 AM on July 27, 2011
Everyone's dead on about the eating disorder and the therapy. I just wanted to add:
"Or his stomach hurts. He's sick a lot. There is no doubt in my mind that 90% of these problems would go away if he was in a healthy weight range."
Get some doubt. Stomach pain and sickness can come from depression or other mental health issues, that could also be driving the overeating ... or he could have an underlying health issue that causes stomach pain, low immune system, AND obesity. You are ascribing EVERYTHING that's wrong to his overeating, and your post seems to say to me that you are comparing his bad/disgusting habits to your good/attractive ones. That can't be helping, and insisting that medical issues (that may or may not be related to being overweight and that could be CAUSES of obesity OR its results OR its correlates) are being caused by his weight seem like more of this "shaming" behavior.
I'm just some jerk on the internet and it's hard to read tone on the internet, but that's how parts of your post read to me, so I would expect some of that disgust and shame is coming across to him.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 9:15 AM on July 27, 2011 [33 favorites]
"Or his stomach hurts. He's sick a lot. There is no doubt in my mind that 90% of these problems would go away if he was in a healthy weight range."
Get some doubt. Stomach pain and sickness can come from depression or other mental health issues, that could also be driving the overeating ... or he could have an underlying health issue that causes stomach pain, low immune system, AND obesity. You are ascribing EVERYTHING that's wrong to his overeating, and your post seems to say to me that you are comparing his bad/disgusting habits to your good/attractive ones. That can't be helping, and insisting that medical issues (that may or may not be related to being overweight and that could be CAUSES of obesity OR its results OR its correlates) are being caused by his weight seem like more of this "shaming" behavior.
I'm just some jerk on the internet and it's hard to read tone on the internet, but that's how parts of your post read to me, so I would expect some of that disgust and shame is coming across to him.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 9:15 AM on July 27, 2011 [33 favorites]
Just leave him already; it's been 6 years and he's made zero effort to do something about it.
You are sexually incompatible, and from what you've written, it's very unlikely that things will ever get better. That alone is a reason to move on. Sex with other fit people is amazing: every position imaginable! Mirrors! Endurance! Constant compliments! It's a wonderful feeling to walk down the street with someone whose looks you are proud of. It's nice to be able to brag to each other about physical achievements. The thought of an obese partner's inevitable future ailments would only serve to fill one with dread and anxiety – do you really want to turn into a caretaker for a preventable condition – while others are looking forward to growing old with their significant others.
To an outsider, it looks like you are depriving yourself of all that and so much more it in order to stay with someone who is lying to you and doesn't have enough self-respect to make sure he stays healthy for his own sake, much less for yours.
posted by halogen at 9:22 AM on July 27, 2011 [10 favorites]
You are sexually incompatible, and from what you've written, it's very unlikely that things will ever get better. That alone is a reason to move on. Sex with other fit people is amazing: every position imaginable! Mirrors! Endurance! Constant compliments! It's a wonderful feeling to walk down the street with someone whose looks you are proud of. It's nice to be able to brag to each other about physical achievements. The thought of an obese partner's inevitable future ailments would only serve to fill one with dread and anxiety – do you really want to turn into a caretaker for a preventable condition – while others are looking forward to growing old with their significant others.
To an outsider, it looks like you are depriving yourself of all that and so much more it in order to stay with someone who is lying to you and doesn't have enough self-respect to make sure he stays healthy for his own sake, much less for yours.
posted by halogen at 9:22 AM on July 27, 2011 [10 favorites]
The obesity isn't the problem, it's the symptom. The problem is mental illness. You need to find someone who can help your husband with his eating disorder.
posted by Jairus at 9:24 AM on July 27, 2011
posted by Jairus at 9:24 AM on July 27, 2011
I'm about 100 pounds overweight, about your husband's age, and married. I used to be depressed and a binge eater. After a few years of therapy, I finally kicked the binge eating and my weight stabilized. Now I'm "trying" to lose, but it's slow going. I lost ten pounds and then maintained that for a few months because part of the not bingeing for me is not depriving myself or trying to give myself strict rules. I'm currently getting started to go for another ten pounds and hopefully more.
I don't think I could have made the progress I have without a wife who never judges me about my weight or my eating. I'm pretty sure that if my wife started keeping track of what I was eating, it would make me more likely to binge, not less. WAY more likely.
Your husband obviously feels like he has to hide his eating from you and he obviously can't control it. Putting any kind of pressure on him, whether it's the smallest comment about eating or hints about taking walks, let alone closely monitoring what he eats or combing over his spending, is likely to be counterproductive. (I'm not talking about morality or fairness -- obviously you have a say in how much money he spends -- just practicality.)
What your husband needs to get better are two things: professional mental health help and unconditional love from you.
On the mental health front, I'd advise you to very carefully coax him into seeking help for depression/anxiety without making it about food or his weight. If he gets the underlying problem under control, the eating will eventually take care of itself.
On the unconditional love front, I'd find a way to make it clear to him that you love him regardless and that while you will be supportive of any efforts he takes to become healthier, you're not going to pressure him, judge him, or monitor him any more. That's his job, not yours. Again, when you try to do it, you're actually making it worse.
The sex issue is a big deal and I'm not sure what to tell you. To be honest, I have a little trouble believing that it's purely an aesthetic issue. You're carrying a lot of resentment and you've lost some respect for him and both of those things are huge turn-offs. Perhaps some therapy of your own would be helpful. Maybe if you really get that your husband isn't doing this to spite you or because he doesn't love or respect you and also that it's something he's suffering from, not something he's doing to himself intentionally, then you'll find yourself attracted to him again. But maybe you won't, what do I know?
Whatever you do, you have to realize that this is a long-term condition and it's going to be a long haul. In the best realistic case, it will take him some months to come to term with the binge eating and level out his weight and many, many more months before he loses a significant amount, if ever. Even then, there will be setbacks and reversals. You're surely aware of the fact that 90%+ of people who lose weight gain it back and then some. To do this right is a long, careful process that involves dealing with the underlying issues. It's not something you can fix, it's something he has to fix, probably with a therapist.
If you're not up for that, then you need to make that decision and get out, I guess. If you are, then start getting used to the reality of the situation and try to make the best of it instead of trying to wait it out.
(I hope I don't sound harsh. I know you are in a tough spot and that you mean well. I'm just trying to give you the perspective of someone kind of like your husband.)
posted by callmejay at 9:31 AM on July 27, 2011 [8 favorites]
I don't think I could have made the progress I have without a wife who never judges me about my weight or my eating. I'm pretty sure that if my wife started keeping track of what I was eating, it would make me more likely to binge, not less. WAY more likely.
Your husband obviously feels like he has to hide his eating from you and he obviously can't control it. Putting any kind of pressure on him, whether it's the smallest comment about eating or hints about taking walks, let alone closely monitoring what he eats or combing over his spending, is likely to be counterproductive. (I'm not talking about morality or fairness -- obviously you have a say in how much money he spends -- just practicality.)
What your husband needs to get better are two things: professional mental health help and unconditional love from you.
On the mental health front, I'd advise you to very carefully coax him into seeking help for depression/anxiety without making it about food or his weight. If he gets the underlying problem under control, the eating will eventually take care of itself.
On the unconditional love front, I'd find a way to make it clear to him that you love him regardless and that while you will be supportive of any efforts he takes to become healthier, you're not going to pressure him, judge him, or monitor him any more. That's his job, not yours. Again, when you try to do it, you're actually making it worse.
The sex issue is a big deal and I'm not sure what to tell you. To be honest, I have a little trouble believing that it's purely an aesthetic issue. You're carrying a lot of resentment and you've lost some respect for him and both of those things are huge turn-offs. Perhaps some therapy of your own would be helpful. Maybe if you really get that your husband isn't doing this to spite you or because he doesn't love or respect you and also that it's something he's suffering from, not something he's doing to himself intentionally, then you'll find yourself attracted to him again. But maybe you won't, what do I know?
Whatever you do, you have to realize that this is a long-term condition and it's going to be a long haul. In the best realistic case, it will take him some months to come to term with the binge eating and level out his weight and many, many more months before he loses a significant amount, if ever. Even then, there will be setbacks and reversals. You're surely aware of the fact that 90%+ of people who lose weight gain it back and then some. To do this right is a long, careful process that involves dealing with the underlying issues. It's not something you can fix, it's something he has to fix, probably with a therapist.
If you're not up for that, then you need to make that decision and get out, I guess. If you are, then start getting used to the reality of the situation and try to make the best of it instead of trying to wait it out.
(I hope I don't sound harsh. I know you are in a tough spot and that you mean well. I'm just trying to give you the perspective of someone kind of like your husband.)
posted by callmejay at 9:31 AM on July 27, 2011 [8 favorites]
The fact that it hasn't even occurred to you that your husband has a serious compulsive problem, that this is all about you and how you can make him do what you want, is a pretty big red flag here. He's not being fat AT you.
Just like someone with any other compulsive or behavioral disorder, he'll need to WANT help before he can get it. If you're graduate students, and you're at a school with a psychology graduate program, you and he - separately, I think, to start - can probably get help for free or almost free. If they have an eating disorders program, that would be awesome, but it might be beneficial to just start from the basics, let him see a therapist and start to look at whether he's maybe self-medicating something, like the anxiety one might experience in grad school or maybe GAD or maybe it's something more. In any case, you are not a trained professional.
You should, of course, have boundaries. The money is certainly something where lines need to be drawn. Stop sleeping with him if you don't want to, because god how horrible for him and I guess for you even though you choose to do it. If you don't like your life and you don't like how he's managing his, leave. Do not manipulate, don't carrot-and-stick him, he's not a toddler.
You can ask him to seek treatment and help him find resources. You can require that the financial arrangements change because his problem is infringing on your right to have the bills paid. You can tell him that his behavior is worrying you in general. If you are unkind, you can inform him he's fat and disgusting, just in case he didn't know he was fat or know you feel that way. But you cannot make him do anything. Choose to stay or choose to leave based on what he does, not on what you can make him do.
posted by Lyn Never at 9:35 AM on July 27, 2011 [25 favorites]
Just like someone with any other compulsive or behavioral disorder, he'll need to WANT help before he can get it. If you're graduate students, and you're at a school with a psychology graduate program, you and he - separately, I think, to start - can probably get help for free or almost free. If they have an eating disorders program, that would be awesome, but it might be beneficial to just start from the basics, let him see a therapist and start to look at whether he's maybe self-medicating something, like the anxiety one might experience in grad school or maybe GAD or maybe it's something more. In any case, you are not a trained professional.
You should, of course, have boundaries. The money is certainly something where lines need to be drawn. Stop sleeping with him if you don't want to, because god how horrible for him and I guess for you even though you choose to do it. If you don't like your life and you don't like how he's managing his, leave. Do not manipulate, don't carrot-and-stick him, he's not a toddler.
You can ask him to seek treatment and help him find resources. You can require that the financial arrangements change because his problem is infringing on your right to have the bills paid. You can tell him that his behavior is worrying you in general. If you are unkind, you can inform him he's fat and disgusting, just in case he didn't know he was fat or know you feel that way. But you cannot make him do anything. Choose to stay or choose to leave based on what he does, not on what you can make him do.
posted by Lyn Never at 9:35 AM on July 27, 2011 [25 favorites]
You both need counseling, ASAP. Your husband appears to have an eating disorder or some other issue. Your lack of interest in physical intimacy (and possibly confrontation) is also a problem because it almost certainly is helping to create a cycle that contributes to his unhealthy eating habits. Your reaction is natural and not your fault, but at this point it sounds like the problem is one that you, as a couple, are not capable of successfully dealing with on your own. A third party professional should be able to help point you in the right direction as a couple.
posted by Hylas at 9:38 AM on July 27, 2011
posted by Hylas at 9:38 AM on July 27, 2011
My boss's doctor told her husband that he would die if he didn't do something about his weight/eating habit (he's in his late 60s so this wasn't an alarmist exaggeration). Two years later, he's had two ablations for atrial fibrillation, but he has not lost any weight, and he eats indiscriminately. He takes extreme offense when his wife asks him to exercise with her.
The fact is, change has to come from within--you have no control over whether your husband takes better care of his body. It has to be his choice. He also has to want to preserve your marriage as much as you do. This is a serious problem for your marriage. And though you don't want to leave him, you'll be deeply unhappy if things continue the way they have up until now. You shouldn't have to "force" yourself to go to bed with your husband to make him happy. He needs counseling on his own for his disordered eating, and you need counseling together to repair your marriage. If he is unwilling, he's unwilling to preserve your marriage in any reasonable way, and in that case, it's a choice of whether you want to live happily or unhappily. Just remember--it's up to him to make that call. He cannot be helped without wanting it.
Good luck.
posted by litnerd at 9:43 AM on July 27, 2011
The fact is, change has to come from within--you have no control over whether your husband takes better care of his body. It has to be his choice. He also has to want to preserve your marriage as much as you do. This is a serious problem for your marriage. And though you don't want to leave him, you'll be deeply unhappy if things continue the way they have up until now. You shouldn't have to "force" yourself to go to bed with your husband to make him happy. He needs counseling on his own for his disordered eating, and you need counseling together to repair your marriage. If he is unwilling, he's unwilling to preserve your marriage in any reasonable way, and in that case, it's a choice of whether you want to live happily or unhappily. Just remember--it's up to him to make that call. He cannot be helped without wanting it.
Good luck.
posted by litnerd at 9:43 AM on July 27, 2011
I once had a boyfriend who sounds like you. He was super active and alarmed by my weight, probably a bit repulsed, and thought he was doing The Right Thing by asking for advice on how to deal with it, but when I found out not only did it make me feel like crap, I then lost a lot of respect and trust for him....maybe you should have your question anonymized, unless you're absolutely sure he's unaware of MeFi.
You can't make your husband change for you. He has to want to change for himself. If for some reason he did decide to go along with you and lose weight, he would end up resenting you for pushing him to do it. And probably leave.
I agree with the chorus of therapy for him - perhaps Overeaters Anonymous as well - and marriage counseling for you both.
posted by noxetlux at 10:02 AM on July 27, 2011 [1 favorite]
You can't make your husband change for you. He has to want to change for himself. If for some reason he did decide to go along with you and lose weight, he would end up resenting you for pushing him to do it. And probably leave.
I agree with the chorus of therapy for him - perhaps Overeaters Anonymous as well - and marriage counseling for you both.
posted by noxetlux at 10:02 AM on July 27, 2011 [1 favorite]
I don't think I could have made the progress I have without a wife who never judges me about my weight or my eating. I'm pretty sure that if my wife started keeping track of what I was eating, it would make me more likely to binge, not less. WAY more likely.
This. Not to point fingers, but making an issue of your husband's weight and his junk food consumption makes it all the more like forbidden fruit. If he felt free to eat whatever he wanted wherever he wanted, he might not feel the need to binge - to "stock up" before he gets home because he's facing 10 hours or more of no candy or chips. I'm not denying he has an eating disorder and needs professional help, I'm just saying he doesn't need a mama treating him like a naughty child at home.
As for your feelings of disgust at his physique, well, that's more your problem than his. Suppose instead of being obese he was suddenly disfigured in a fire? Or paralyzed from the neck down in an accident and unable to have any type of sex with you? Would you still be disgusted/frustrated and thinking of ways to "change" him? (And would so many MeFites be encouraging you to leave him, I wonder?) Those vows state "for better or for worse"; too bad some folks don't consider the gravitiy of that plege.
posted by Oriole Adams at 10:04 AM on July 27, 2011 [6 favorites]
This. Not to point fingers, but making an issue of your husband's weight and his junk food consumption makes it all the more like forbidden fruit. If he felt free to eat whatever he wanted wherever he wanted, he might not feel the need to binge - to "stock up" before he gets home because he's facing 10 hours or more of no candy or chips. I'm not denying he has an eating disorder and needs professional help, I'm just saying he doesn't need a mama treating him like a naughty child at home.
As for your feelings of disgust at his physique, well, that's more your problem than his. Suppose instead of being obese he was suddenly disfigured in a fire? Or paralyzed from the neck down in an accident and unable to have any type of sex with you? Would you still be disgusted/frustrated and thinking of ways to "change" him? (And would so many MeFites be encouraging you to leave him, I wonder?) Those vows state "for better or for worse"; too bad some folks don't consider the gravitiy of that plege.
posted by Oriole Adams at 10:04 AM on July 27, 2011 [6 favorites]
I wanna say several things here and I hope it doesn't sound too harsh but I think it should be said. First, if you were a guy saying this about your wife you'd be ripped to shreds. RIPPED to shreds. While it's obvious that your husband has a problem, and it's somewhat obvious that you want him to change it seems to me that you're being really harsh on him and extremely judgmental. In fact I'd go so far as to say there's a good chance that part of his problem is you. Nagging him, checking debit card purchases, not wanting sex because he's gained weight. I would also say that there's a lot more then just a physical lack of attraction going on here. Woman are attracted to a man's physical appearance but studies show that they're much more attracted to a man's behavior. I.E. confidence, self assurance, having a good independent life, and of course making a good living. My guess is that your husband isn't providing very well for the two of you financially. And it's a huge turn off. I could be wrong here, but I'm guessing that's part of your loss of attraction. At the end of the day, I'm not saying you're doing anything wrong here. You're allowing your true colors to shine and your natural instincts are basically pushing away your husband because you've seriously lost all attraction to him. There's a good chance this relationship is not going to last. I would definitely say to go to therapy. It will take a very long to time to see any significant change. At this point, you have to decide if you really wanna help him or you wanna exit the relationship. Of course he has to be willing to help himself, but you have to be willing to step back and not put pressure on him. Let a therapist tell him what to do or help him to find the direction on his own. And then let a therapist help you to find out how far you're willing to go to stick with him or whether it's best to get a divorce. I apologize for being so harsh but this was my knee jerk reaction.
posted by ljs30 at 10:05 AM on July 27, 2011 [16 favorites]
posted by ljs30 at 10:05 AM on July 27, 2011 [16 favorites]
Regarding the advice to see a therapist, I wholeheartedly agree. At the very least, you should go see one on your own as well as try to go to someone together.
Since you are students at a university, call up their counseling center and tell them you need an appointment with someone who understands eating disorders because you think your spouse may have one. Eating disorders are quite prevalent on college campuses, so there will be a counselor there who can get started with you. Talk to them about what you put in this post and work with them to figure out how to move forward. Talking through (even practicing) how you would approach this with your husband will be supremely beneficial for you. They can probably help you come up with a way to get your husband in to see a counselor...sounds like there's something else going on with him.
I'm sorry you're in such turmoil. I hope things get better for both of you.
posted by MultiFaceted at 10:12 AM on July 27, 2011
Since you are students at a university, call up their counseling center and tell them you need an appointment with someone who understands eating disorders because you think your spouse may have one. Eating disorders are quite prevalent on college campuses, so there will be a counselor there who can get started with you. Talk to them about what you put in this post and work with them to figure out how to move forward. Talking through (even practicing) how you would approach this with your husband will be supremely beneficial for you. They can probably help you come up with a way to get your husband in to see a counselor...sounds like there's something else going on with him.
I'm sorry you're in such turmoil. I hope things get better for both of you.
posted by MultiFaceted at 10:12 AM on July 27, 2011
Nthing you both need individual therapy and couples therapy. His lying to you is really weird. Your exasperation and helplessness is making things worse. Maybe you won't need individual therapy for yourself, after hearing a few dozen people tell you to stop trying to manage the situation unilaterally, but he could almost certainly use it, and it might be an easier sell if you're both going.
You might get some benefit of sitting in on an Al-anon meeting.
And you need marriage counseling, because of the whole lying and frustration thing, and because of what's got to be a big lack of intimacy, sexual and otherwise.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 10:27 AM on July 27, 2011 [1 favorite]
You might get some benefit of sitting in on an Al-anon meeting.
And you need marriage counseling, because of the whole lying and frustration thing, and because of what's got to be a big lack of intimacy, sexual and otherwise.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 10:27 AM on July 27, 2011 [1 favorite]
Let's say the addiction were alcohol or gambling - would so many comments above be blaming YOU in small or large part for any of this?
I think not.
I don't have any answers, however, your husband doesn't sound like a good candidate for parenthood, even if he gets his addiction (temporarily?) under control. If I were you, the happiness and security of my future children would be my paramount concern. The problem here is your husband hasn't hit rock bottom. He thinks arguing with you about sex is going to get him some? Really? He thinks lying about the obvious is going to wear you down and cause you to back off, that's his big strategy here?? You can't have kids with someone that emotionally immature. No way.
You're right. I don't think you have a future with this person. I'm sorry he's sick, but he's also in grad school and an adult with a functioning intellect. It's the dishonesty and obfuscating. You can't work with that. That's a character flaw which I suspect transcends the eating disorder.
Make your own plans. You can't force him into help, he doesn't want it anyway. I don't see what's left for you to do here.
posted by jbenben at 10:29 AM on July 27, 2011 [8 favorites]
I think not.
I don't have any answers, however, your husband doesn't sound like a good candidate for parenthood, even if he gets his addiction (temporarily?) under control. If I were you, the happiness and security of my future children would be my paramount concern. The problem here is your husband hasn't hit rock bottom. He thinks arguing with you about sex is going to get him some? Really? He thinks lying about the obvious is going to wear you down and cause you to back off, that's his big strategy here?? You can't have kids with someone that emotionally immature. No way.
You're right. I don't think you have a future with this person. I'm sorry he's sick, but he's also in grad school and an adult with a functioning intellect. It's the dishonesty and obfuscating. You can't work with that. That's a character flaw which I suspect transcends the eating disorder.
Make your own plans. You can't force him into help, he doesn't want it anyway. I don't see what's left for you to do here.
posted by jbenben at 10:29 AM on July 27, 2011 [8 favorites]
Mod note: From the OP:
As for your feelings of disgust at his physique, well, that's more your problem than his. Suppose instead of being obese he was suddenly disfigured in a fire? Or paralyzed from the neck down in an accident and unable to have any type of sex with you? Would you still be disgusted/frustrated and thinking of ways to "change" him? (And would so many MeFites be encouraging you to leave him, I wonder?) Those vows state "for better or for worse"; too bad some folks don't consider the gravitiy of that plege.posted by jessamyn (staff) at 10:39 AM on July 27, 2011 [8 favorites]
Just FYI, it is out of respect for the gravity of the pledge that I am here on metafilter seeking an anonymous group opinion of my feelings. I state clearly in my question that I am not willing to abandon this marriage, and despite however harsh my question might appear to be (which, bear in mind, comes from a place of also being repeatedly lied to to my face, to the point of needing to borrow money from my mother in order to remedy these lies - how does that factor into marital vows?) it comes from a place of wanting to fix it.
I have zero intentions of walking away from this marriage and am willing to do anything it takes to try to fix our problems. If I knew what to do to fix them I wouldn't have asked the question. Obviously I want a happy marriage. Who doesn't? Even if the problem never gets fixed I will continue to stay until my husband decides he no longer wants to be a part of the team.
And even if he ends up in a horrible accident and is fat AND disfigured I will still continue to stay. Jeez I hate that argument.
Also, I kinda suspect that the vociferous arguing is serving as a stand-in for the passion of physical intimacy in your marriage. Just, maybe be careful or mindful?
Emotionally violent arguing harms you on many levels. Don't take the bait the next time the opportunity to get super red hot about something comes up. It's not worth it.
posted by jbenben at 10:40 AM on July 27, 2011 [2 favorites]
Emotionally violent arguing harms you on many levels. Don't take the bait the next time the opportunity to get super red hot about something comes up. It's not worth it.
posted by jbenben at 10:40 AM on July 27, 2011 [2 favorites]
Let's say the addiction were alcohol or gambling - would so many comments above be blaming YOU in small or large part for any of this?
No, but they'd be telling her to get to Al-anon to separate what's him from what's her, which I think would still be a great idea. I absolutely think she should think of this like any other addiction. Work on her own attitudes, leave him alone, and see where they are in six months.
Maybe once he's not A Problem for her to solve, she'll have the distance to see the awesome things about him she used to love (it probably wasn't ALL physical). And maybe not- maybe she'll decide the relationship just isn't working for her the way their lives are going. Maybe that'll even be the wake up call he needs (but she shoudn't bet her marriage on it.). Either way, she should do some serious work on herself for at least six months before consigning a MARRIAGE to the junk bin.
posted by small_ruminant at 10:41 AM on July 27, 2011 [3 favorites]
No, but they'd be telling her to get to Al-anon to separate what's him from what's her, which I think would still be a great idea. I absolutely think she should think of this like any other addiction. Work on her own attitudes, leave him alone, and see where they are in six months.
Maybe once he's not A Problem for her to solve, she'll have the distance to see the awesome things about him she used to love (it probably wasn't ALL physical). And maybe not- maybe she'll decide the relationship just isn't working for her the way their lives are going. Maybe that'll even be the wake up call he needs (but she shoudn't bet her marriage on it.). Either way, she should do some serious work on herself for at least six months before consigning a MARRIAGE to the junk bin.
posted by small_ruminant at 10:41 AM on July 27, 2011 [3 favorites]
Hi there. I am sorry that you are going through this. Many years ago, I was in a situation similar to your husband. Not as extreme, but same kind of thing. I ended up losing 80 pounds, and it had a transformative effect on my marriage. Feel free to me-mail me if you think it might be helpful for your husband to chat with me.
Also, it would be very helpful if you could clarify this bit:
I carry so many intense feelings about the situation that sometimes I feel like I have to say something or I'll burst, but it never does any good and only causes huge, abusive (him to me) fights.
Is he physically abusive with you?
posted by jbickers at 10:47 AM on July 27, 2011
Also, it would be very helpful if you could clarify this bit:
I carry so many intense feelings about the situation that sometimes I feel like I have to say something or I'll burst, but it never does any good and only causes huge, abusive (him to me) fights.
Is he physically abusive with you?
posted by jbickers at 10:47 AM on July 27, 2011
Regarding the sex, are there positions you can try where you don't have to actually look at him, thus making it easier to fantasize about someone else?
Good gosh golly, no. That's not okay. Even when you're married, it turns out, you don't have to have sex with people when you don't want to! There's a name for having sex with someone who wishes you wouldn't.
The people who are talking about him as if he's an alcoholic are on the right track. Hiding! Lying! Arguing! Self-harming! It's all the same. Basically you could, and perhaps should, go to Al-Anon and just substitute "compulsive eating" when they say "alcohol."
posted by RJ Reynolds at 10:59 AM on July 27, 2011 [5 favorites]
Good gosh golly, no. That's not okay. Even when you're married, it turns out, you don't have to have sex with people when you don't want to! There's a name for having sex with someone who wishes you wouldn't.
The people who are talking about him as if he's an alcoholic are on the right track. Hiding! Lying! Arguing! Self-harming! It's all the same. Basically you could, and perhaps should, go to Al-Anon and just substitute "compulsive eating" when they say "alcohol."
posted by RJ Reynolds at 10:59 AM on July 27, 2011 [5 favorites]
So let me get this straight, you married a guy who has been overweight his entire life, and clearly (although IANAD) exhibits signs of an eating disorder. And he appears to have stopped secretly spending money on food and hiding candy from you for the past year or so! If he hasn't found a better way to hide his secret food spending, and has stopped, that is a big step for him & you should be supportive.
I agree with everyone above me that you are focusing on the symptoms (his weight) and not the cause (the eating disorder).
Just as an aside, you mention how attractive he would be if he lost weight. You mean you would be attracted to him. There are plenty of people who find fat bodies attractive.
posted by inertia at 11:01 AM on July 27, 2011 [1 favorite]
I agree with everyone above me that you are focusing on the symptoms (his weight) and not the cause (the eating disorder).
Just as an aside, you mention how attractive he would be if he lost weight. You mean you would be attracted to him. There are plenty of people who find fat bodies attractive.
posted by inertia at 11:01 AM on July 27, 2011 [1 favorite]
The obesity isn't the problem, it's the symptom. The problem is mental illness. You need to find someone who can help your husband with his eating disorder.
I'm repeating this for emphasis, because it is true.
Right now, your issues with your husband's weight appear like scattershot. Notice, for instance, how your question is separated into a numbered list. When you make a numbered list, it means that each item on the list can be seen as somehow separate and distinct from the other items. You understand what each item is directly connected to your husband being fat, but you're not understanding these individual issues in a way that fits cohesively together. You say: "My husband is fat. He is unhealthy. He is unsexy. He doesn't take my advice. He doesn't try to change. He lies to me about it. He fights with me about it." But this way of expressing your problem doesn't seem to recognize how these distinct issues are tied together. What's the relationship between his weight harming his sex life, his refusal to accept your help in losing weight, and his hiding so much extra eating from you? What ties those pieces together?
This does: your husband has an eating disorder. And, it seems, he's fighting a losing battle against it.
If you try to confront your husband in the same way you laid out your question here, you will not help him and you will not get him to lose weight. Because this is what he'll take from it: "I am unsexy. I am disgusting. I am a bad person." And you know what someone with an eating disorder like your husband's does when they feel like a bad person? He eats more. This isn't a matter of your husband just not getting that sexytimes would resume if he lost weight. Trust me, he knows. Instead, the problem is that he has an unhealthy relationship with food such that, when he feels bad about the lack of sexytimes, he eats more in order to feel less bad. This isn't a matter of your husband not getting that lying about $900 worth of food purchases is bad. Instead, the problem is that the worse he feels about lying, the more he goes out and buys. You aren't helping him, and thus you are not helping yourself, when you focus on the individual ways that his weight negatively affects your lives without tying them back to the fact that he has an eating disorder.
In short: your husband has a problem, but you can't fix it just by telling him all the ways that it is a problem. He knows. You know he knows. He needs serious help, because he has an eating disorder. When confronting him, you need to keep focused on this one issue. You need to keep focused on how the smaller issues (the lying, the unsexiness, the fights, etc) fit together into the larger problem: he has an eating disorder. You need to stay focused. You need to keep your eye on what the real problem is.
I don't advocate people trying to coerce their significant others into losing weight. But that's not really the issue, here. The issue is, someone in a good psychological state does not purchase $900 of secret food in a month. The issue is, your husband needs help with his relationship with food.
Here's what I suggest: print out your question. Look at the individual issues you list in it. Then, rewrite your question so that it is not a list. Make each paragraph fit in with the others, so that they flow like an essay. Edit what you have said here so that your complaints are ordered like an argument where the conclusion is: "My husband has an eating disorder." Pay attention to what that order is, as well as what needs to be emphasized and what can actually be tossed out as immaterial. Use that version of your question as a template for how to discuss this problem with your husband.
posted by meese at 11:02 AM on July 27, 2011 [4 favorites]
I'm repeating this for emphasis, because it is true.
Right now, your issues with your husband's weight appear like scattershot. Notice, for instance, how your question is separated into a numbered list. When you make a numbered list, it means that each item on the list can be seen as somehow separate and distinct from the other items. You understand what each item is directly connected to your husband being fat, but you're not understanding these individual issues in a way that fits cohesively together. You say: "My husband is fat. He is unhealthy. He is unsexy. He doesn't take my advice. He doesn't try to change. He lies to me about it. He fights with me about it." But this way of expressing your problem doesn't seem to recognize how these distinct issues are tied together. What's the relationship between his weight harming his sex life, his refusal to accept your help in losing weight, and his hiding so much extra eating from you? What ties those pieces together?
This does: your husband has an eating disorder. And, it seems, he's fighting a losing battle against it.
If you try to confront your husband in the same way you laid out your question here, you will not help him and you will not get him to lose weight. Because this is what he'll take from it: "I am unsexy. I am disgusting. I am a bad person." And you know what someone with an eating disorder like your husband's does when they feel like a bad person? He eats more. This isn't a matter of your husband just not getting that sexytimes would resume if he lost weight. Trust me, he knows. Instead, the problem is that he has an unhealthy relationship with food such that, when he feels bad about the lack of sexytimes, he eats more in order to feel less bad. This isn't a matter of your husband not getting that lying about $900 worth of food purchases is bad. Instead, the problem is that the worse he feels about lying, the more he goes out and buys. You aren't helping him, and thus you are not helping yourself, when you focus on the individual ways that his weight negatively affects your lives without tying them back to the fact that he has an eating disorder.
In short: your husband has a problem, but you can't fix it just by telling him all the ways that it is a problem. He knows. You know he knows. He needs serious help, because he has an eating disorder. When confronting him, you need to keep focused on this one issue. You need to keep focused on how the smaller issues (the lying, the unsexiness, the fights, etc) fit together into the larger problem: he has an eating disorder. You need to stay focused. You need to keep your eye on what the real problem is.
I don't advocate people trying to coerce their significant others into losing weight. But that's not really the issue, here. The issue is, someone in a good psychological state does not purchase $900 of secret food in a month. The issue is, your husband needs help with his relationship with food.
Here's what I suggest: print out your question. Look at the individual issues you list in it. Then, rewrite your question so that it is not a list. Make each paragraph fit in with the others, so that they flow like an essay. Edit what you have said here so that your complaints are ordered like an argument where the conclusion is: "My husband has an eating disorder." Pay attention to what that order is, as well as what needs to be emphasized and what can actually be tossed out as immaterial. Use that version of your question as a template for how to discuss this problem with your husband.
posted by meese at 11:02 AM on July 27, 2011 [4 favorites]
Just as an aside, you mention how attractive he would be if he lost weight. You mean you would be attracted to him. There are plenty of people who find fat bodies attractive.
Yeah, but those people aren't married to him.
OP, I think your situation is very tough, and I think your feelings towards your husband are human and understandable. He definitely needs to get help from someone that's not you, though. He's obviously got some truly deep-seated issues. It's ultimately up to us to fix ourselves - nobody else can do it for us. He's got to want to seek help.
posted by CRM114 at 11:05 AM on July 27, 2011 [4 favorites]
Yeah, but those people aren't married to him.
OP, I think your situation is very tough, and I think your feelings towards your husband are human and understandable. He definitely needs to get help from someone that's not you, though. He's obviously got some truly deep-seated issues. It's ultimately up to us to fix ourselves - nobody else can do it for us. He's got to want to seek help.
posted by CRM114 at 11:05 AM on July 27, 2011 [4 favorites]
Right now, I hear two very distinct, contradictory statements: you are mad at your husband for being fat. And that you will never leave him. I really think you need to reconsider your position on this marriage. Because, as catwoman points out, it's possible to be fat and healthy. Because, as you point out, you're justifiably angry that you've been lied to, that your shared money has been squandered on junk food, that your mother had to help out with your finances. Because you should be in a marriage in which you're attracted to the other person.
At this point, you've created a toxic, internecine compromise by staying with him, by having sex when you don't want to, by denying yourself a satisfying sex life, by resenting his fatness and his dishonesty, and thereby exacerbating the serious psychological disorder from which your husband suffers. The cycle of shaming and humiliation feeds itself.
You have a right to a happy marriage. Your husband has a right to a happy marriage and to get the help he needs to overcome his eating disorder. But by staying with him, every day resenting him more and more, every day quietly or loudly letting him know how disgusting you find him and how disappointed you are in him, you're wasting both of your lives.
A trial separation could be the kick in the pants he needs to truly seek help. It'll almost definitely put your rage into perspective.
posted by zoomorphic at 11:16 AM on July 27, 2011 [9 favorites]
At this point, you've created a toxic, internecine compromise by staying with him, by having sex when you don't want to, by denying yourself a satisfying sex life, by resenting his fatness and his dishonesty, and thereby exacerbating the serious psychological disorder from which your husband suffers. The cycle of shaming and humiliation feeds itself.
You have a right to a happy marriage. Your husband has a right to a happy marriage and to get the help he needs to overcome his eating disorder. But by staying with him, every day resenting him more and more, every day quietly or loudly letting him know how disgusting you find him and how disappointed you are in him, you're wasting both of your lives.
A trial separation could be the kick in the pants he needs to truly seek help. It'll almost definitely put your rage into perspective.
posted by zoomorphic at 11:16 AM on July 27, 2011 [9 favorites]
All I am going to say is that I HOPE the question asker is not even in the slightest chubby.
You obviously do not know the real way to lose weight. 30 min of walking around the blco say 3 times a week is enough excercise for somebody just starting out.
I have got the feeling that the ops attitude is not helping things AT ALL. Work on your attitude towards it first. Nagging and yelling at him while not knowing what you are talking about will just make him eat more.
PS he has to eat less. walking for 30 min 3 or 4 days a week should be good enough to start losing weight.
You have to do everything WITH HIM do not just sit there and yell at him while you eat something different.
It also sounds like you two are not compatible for each other.
Go ahead and bash me but with her statement i would be attracted to him and then saying he was chubby when they met makes me seem like they are not compatible and sheis probably very nasty to him at home about this.
posted by majortom1981 at 11:23 AM on July 27, 2011 [1 favorite]
You obviously do not know the real way to lose weight. 30 min of walking around the blco say 3 times a week is enough excercise for somebody just starting out.
I have got the feeling that the ops attitude is not helping things AT ALL. Work on your attitude towards it first. Nagging and yelling at him while not knowing what you are talking about will just make him eat more.
PS he has to eat less. walking for 30 min 3 or 4 days a week should be good enough to start losing weight.
You have to do everything WITH HIM do not just sit there and yell at him while you eat something different.
It also sounds like you two are not compatible for each other.
Go ahead and bash me but with her statement i would be attracted to him and then saying he was chubby when they met makes me seem like they are not compatible and sheis probably very nasty to him at home about this.
posted by majortom1981 at 11:23 AM on July 27, 2011 [1 favorite]
I think beating the OP up because she doesn't want to have sex with a man she no longer finds attractive is... a little weird and definitely unhelpful. Gaining 50 lbs in 5-6 years is not a trivial thing, and she has the right to her own feelings. And she has the right to not have sex with someone she no longer finds attractive. I doubt pity sex or duty sex will save the relationship.
What might save the relationship is counseling and therapy. He needs to get advice on dealing with what sounds like a crippling addiction ($900 in "extra groceries" in a month?) and she needs to be able to vent her anger and stress and find more positive ways to address her situation (which might include leaving him, and she would not be a bad person for deciding to do that).
posted by GenjiandProust at 11:31 AM on July 27, 2011 [20 favorites]
What might save the relationship is counseling and therapy. He needs to get advice on dealing with what sounds like a crippling addiction ($900 in "extra groceries" in a month?) and she needs to be able to vent her anger and stress and find more positive ways to address her situation (which might include leaving him, and she would not be a bad person for deciding to do that).
posted by GenjiandProust at 11:31 AM on July 27, 2011 [20 favorites]
It sounds like you have trapped yourself by not even considering the possibility of ending the marriage. It might be worth it to consider the possibility of leaving him and work through your thoughts. You don't actually have to leave him, but knowing you have an "out" and that you are in the marriage by choice might make you feel less resentful since you are choosing to stay with him.
From what you describe, it doesn't sound like he's going to change. Spending $900 on junk food a month is very serious and I would feel betrayed if a partner did this. If he doesn't change, can you live like this for the rest of your life?
posted by parakeetdog at 11:36 AM on July 27, 2011 [2 favorites]
From what you describe, it doesn't sound like he's going to change. Spending $900 on junk food a month is very serious and I would feel betrayed if a partner did this. If he doesn't change, can you live like this for the rest of your life?
posted by parakeetdog at 11:36 AM on July 27, 2011 [2 favorites]
I'm trying to think of how one person even COULD spent $900 on junk food in just a month. Just as an example: a snickers bar costs about 75 cents, and a 2-liter bottle of soda about $1.50. That would work out to twelve of EACH (or some combination thereof), every day, for a month. I can't even comprehend how one person could actually consume all of that, and let alone be "only" 80 pounds overweight when it's done. There's got to be more to it than that.
posted by deadmessenger at 11:58 AM on July 27, 2011 [4 favorites]
posted by deadmessenger at 11:58 AM on July 27, 2011 [4 favorites]
Looking over your question again, I want to even more strongly emphasize that your husband needs to see a doctor - as in M.D. - in addition to a therapist and a psychiatrist. That perpetual upset stomach you mention? It could be an ulcer or reflux, and he started out trying to quell his angry tummy with soda and simple carbs (I am not a huge soda drinker and I reach for the 7-Up when my tummy is feeling hinky).
Also with his weight the way it is, he's a prime candidate for sleep apnea. With apnea, there's a vicious cycle - the excess weight causes the apnea, which not only robs the person of energy and motivation, it actually slows down the metabolism and causes carb cravings, which in turn pack on even more pounds, the apnea gets worse, and so on. (Not all apneics are overweight, but excess weight definitely does contribute in many cases.)
Controlling any physical roots of his food addiction - ulcers, reflux, a sensitive stomach, sleep apnea, depression - is going to be necessary if they exist because without addressing underlying causes it's going to make any changes that much harder to bring about. If your husband is feeling foggy, cranky and zonked from lack of sleep, and his stomach is perpetually upset and nauseous, it will drain him of any motivation to address his addiction.
posted by Rosie M. Banks at 12:24 PM on July 27, 2011 [2 favorites]
Also with his weight the way it is, he's a prime candidate for sleep apnea. With apnea, there's a vicious cycle - the excess weight causes the apnea, which not only robs the person of energy and motivation, it actually slows down the metabolism and causes carb cravings, which in turn pack on even more pounds, the apnea gets worse, and so on. (Not all apneics are overweight, but excess weight definitely does contribute in many cases.)
Controlling any physical roots of his food addiction - ulcers, reflux, a sensitive stomach, sleep apnea, depression - is going to be necessary if they exist because without addressing underlying causes it's going to make any changes that much harder to bring about. If your husband is feeling foggy, cranky and zonked from lack of sleep, and his stomach is perpetually upset and nauseous, it will drain him of any motivation to address his addiction.
posted by Rosie M. Banks at 12:24 PM on July 27, 2011 [2 favorites]
Mod note: comment removed, stop fighting thanks.
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 12:54 PM on July 27, 2011
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 12:54 PM on July 27, 2011
What a sad, sad situation. I hope after reading these answers you re-think your "I will never leave the marriage" position. You seem desperately unhappy, yet the only way to your happiness is for someone else to change. Someone else changing to ensure your happiness never works. Never.
And my heart goes out to your husband: having an eating disorder AND living with someone who finds him disgusting must be hell on earth. If you leave, you have a chance to find someone to have a healthy relationship with, and he has a chance to (maybe) deal with his eating disorder directly, without a shit storm of accusations, lying, and general confusion about what love actually means.
Certainly, good luck to both of you.
posted by kestralwing at 1:19 PM on July 27, 2011 [2 favorites]
And my heart goes out to your husband: having an eating disorder AND living with someone who finds him disgusting must be hell on earth. If you leave, you have a chance to find someone to have a healthy relationship with, and he has a chance to (maybe) deal with his eating disorder directly, without a shit storm of accusations, lying, and general confusion about what love actually means.
Certainly, good luck to both of you.
posted by kestralwing at 1:19 PM on July 27, 2011 [2 favorites]
That would work out to twelve of EACH (or some combination thereof), every day, for a month. I can't even comprehend how one person could actually consume all of that, and let alone be "only" 80 pounds overweight when it's done. There's got to be more to it than that.
Maybe some bulimia. Happens to men too
posted by bq at 2:17 PM on July 27, 2011 [1 favorite]
Maybe some bulimia. Happens to men too
posted by bq at 2:17 PM on July 27, 2011 [1 favorite]
I know you say you don't want to leave him but I think that's the ultimatum you need to make for him to take this seriously.
Therapy, strict diet, exercise RIGHT NOW or you're gone. If he doesn't start then you leave. He'll he either get the message or he won't. If that doesn't fix it nothing will and you should be out anyway. Win Win.
The things you've mentioned him doing are disgusting on a health, mental, and interpersonal level.
posted by zephyr_words at 2:27 PM on July 27, 2011
Therapy, strict diet, exercise RIGHT NOW or you're gone. If he doesn't start then you leave. He'll he either get the message or he won't. If that doesn't fix it nothing will and you should be out anyway. Win Win.
The things you've mentioned him doing are disgusting on a health, mental, and interpersonal level.
posted by zephyr_words at 2:27 PM on July 27, 2011
Therapy, strict diet, exercise RIGHT NOW or you're gone.
I'd suggest not making ultimatums that may very well go against the advice of a therapist who specializes in eating disorders. Focus on getting your husband to acknowledge he has a problem and get the psychological help he so clearly needs, but let a psychologist dictate rules about diet and exercise. This isn't a problem of getting some pounds of fat off your husband's body; this is a problem of psychology. Respect it as such.
posted by meese at 2:36 PM on July 27, 2011 [2 favorites]
I'd suggest not making ultimatums that may very well go against the advice of a therapist who specializes in eating disorders. Focus on getting your husband to acknowledge he has a problem and get the psychological help he so clearly needs, but let a psychologist dictate rules about diet and exercise. This isn't a problem of getting some pounds of fat off your husband's body; this is a problem of psychology. Respect it as such.
posted by meese at 2:36 PM on July 27, 2011 [2 favorites]
This is a very difficult, sad and altogether too common situation. I also find a lot of the responses here absolutely astonishing.
Obesity is a medical illness. The "he has an eating disorder" stuff is abject nonsense. He is obese. Over 50% of the US population is either overweight or obese. Mental illnesses by definition are culturally inappropriate, this is a very common health problem, but NOT (at least primarily) a mental illness.
He may be depressed, but he is not fat just because he is depressed. There are very large numbers of people who are depressed, and it is MUCH more common for people affected by depression to be underweight. The extension of some of this bedroom doctor advice, is to imply that everyone who is fat, is depressed and therefore the vast majority of the US population requires antidepressants and psychotherapy.
On a technical level he doesn't have an eating disorder by any DSM IV criteria, and the only category he could fit in is "eating disorder not otherwise specified", which is a catch-all bucket-diagnosis. HE DOES NOT HAVE AN EATING DISORDER, bedroom psychiatrists of MeFi.
It is also sad, and disturbing, that so many people here are suggesting how you could make yourself have sex with him. WHY? This is emotional blackmail, for sex. Furthermore he is lying to you, and destroying your finances.
You are 30 and you have the rest of your life ahead of you. It is unreasonable of him to expect you to sacrifice so much if he cannot commit to making an attempt to deal with his weight problem. The very least you can, and should, expect is that he accepts that he has a problem (there is no indication from your post that he does), and that he agrees that HE is going to do something about it (with your help and external help from a dietician and a doctor depending on the degree of obesity). If he loves and respects you, he will appreciate this.
If he doesn't, then you need to consider whether you want to sacrifice your life to be the primary carer for someone who will have multiple medical morbidities and an early grave, from a self-inflicted illness and is not interested in doing anything about it.
If he was smoking himself into an early grave on 100 cigarettes a day, the advice from posters here would be completely different, but the effects on lifespan of morbid obesity are equivalent (at BMIs of 40-45, you don't say how big he is), according to a recent study of obesity by Richard Peto, the man who did much of the seminal work on the health effects of smoking. This failure to accept that people CAN just stop eating, if they agree to get help, as easily (or with as much difficulty) as they can give up smoking, is the reason the West has an epidemic obesity problem.
Apologies if some of this sounds a bit strident. I am a doctor and I think it's important to just correct some of the rampant misconceptions about obesity upthread. On a personal level, you need to start with deciding what you want from your life, and then work things out from there. Good luck.
posted by inbetweener at 2:44 PM on July 27, 2011 [8 favorites]
Obesity is a medical illness. The "he has an eating disorder" stuff is abject nonsense. He is obese. Over 50% of the US population is either overweight or obese. Mental illnesses by definition are culturally inappropriate, this is a very common health problem, but NOT (at least primarily) a mental illness.
He may be depressed, but he is not fat just because he is depressed. There are very large numbers of people who are depressed, and it is MUCH more common for people affected by depression to be underweight. The extension of some of this bedroom doctor advice, is to imply that everyone who is fat, is depressed and therefore the vast majority of the US population requires antidepressants and psychotherapy.
On a technical level he doesn't have an eating disorder by any DSM IV criteria, and the only category he could fit in is "eating disorder not otherwise specified", which is a catch-all bucket-diagnosis. HE DOES NOT HAVE AN EATING DISORDER, bedroom psychiatrists of MeFi.
It is also sad, and disturbing, that so many people here are suggesting how you could make yourself have sex with him. WHY? This is emotional blackmail, for sex. Furthermore he is lying to you, and destroying your finances.
You are 30 and you have the rest of your life ahead of you. It is unreasonable of him to expect you to sacrifice so much if he cannot commit to making an attempt to deal with his weight problem. The very least you can, and should, expect is that he accepts that he has a problem (there is no indication from your post that he does), and that he agrees that HE is going to do something about it (with your help and external help from a dietician and a doctor depending on the degree of obesity). If he loves and respects you, he will appreciate this.
If he doesn't, then you need to consider whether you want to sacrifice your life to be the primary carer for someone who will have multiple medical morbidities and an early grave, from a self-inflicted illness and is not interested in doing anything about it.
If he was smoking himself into an early grave on 100 cigarettes a day, the advice from posters here would be completely different, but the effects on lifespan of morbid obesity are equivalent (at BMIs of 40-45, you don't say how big he is), according to a recent study of obesity by Richard Peto, the man who did much of the seminal work on the health effects of smoking. This failure to accept that people CAN just stop eating, if they agree to get help, as easily (or with as much difficulty) as they can give up smoking, is the reason the West has an epidemic obesity problem.
Apologies if some of this sounds a bit strident. I am a doctor and I think it's important to just correct some of the rampant misconceptions about obesity upthread. On a personal level, you need to start with deciding what you want from your life, and then work things out from there. Good luck.
posted by inbetweener at 2:44 PM on July 27, 2011 [8 favorites]
In addition to therapy for both of you, he should also have a frank talk with his doctor and ask for a full work-up of thyroid, testosterone, hormones, etc.
posted by barnone at 2:50 PM on July 27, 2011
posted by barnone at 2:50 PM on July 27, 2011
The "he has an eating disorder" stuff is abject nonsense. He is obese. Over 50% of the US population is either overweight or obese.
Does over 50% of the US population make 5-6 secret trips to the grocery store per day? Do they secretly spend $900 per month on junk food, and deny it to the point of getting banks involved?
On a technical level he doesn't have an eating disorder by any DSM IV criteria, and the only category he could fit in is "eating disorder not otherwise specified", which is a catch-all bucket-diagnosis. HE DOES NOT HAVE AN EATING DISORDER, bedroom psychiatrists of MeFi.
I do not see how you can possibly make that assertion based on the information in this question.
OP, I have no idea if your husband has an eating disorder. Neither does anyone else here. The only person who can diagnose him is a doctor who has actually met him.
posted by that's how you get ants at 2:55 PM on July 27, 2011 [18 favorites]
Does over 50% of the US population make 5-6 secret trips to the grocery store per day? Do they secretly spend $900 per month on junk food, and deny it to the point of getting banks involved?
On a technical level he doesn't have an eating disorder by any DSM IV criteria, and the only category he could fit in is "eating disorder not otherwise specified", which is a catch-all bucket-diagnosis. HE DOES NOT HAVE AN EATING DISORDER, bedroom psychiatrists of MeFi.
I do not see how you can possibly make that assertion based on the information in this question.
OP, I have no idea if your husband has an eating disorder. Neither does anyone else here. The only person who can diagnose him is a doctor who has actually met him.
posted by that's how you get ants at 2:55 PM on July 27, 2011 [18 favorites]
zephyr_words: "I know you say you don't want to leave him but I think that's the ultimatum you need to make for him to take this seriously.
Therapy, strict diet, exercise RIGHT NOW or you're gone. If he doesn't start then you leave. He'll he either get the message or he won't. If that doesn't fix it nothing will and you should be out anyway. Win Win.
The things you've mentioned him doing are disgusting on a health, mental, and interpersonal level."
An ultimatum like that is not going to work, I don't think. Other people have made the point in this thread that he has to want to change for himself.
and I sincerely hope you are not saying being fat is disgusting. Not everyone can help their weight, especially in a case like this where psychology seems to be heavily involved.
posted by IndigoRain at 3:01 PM on July 27, 2011 [2 favorites]
Therapy, strict diet, exercise RIGHT NOW or you're gone. If he doesn't start then you leave. He'll he either get the message or he won't. If that doesn't fix it nothing will and you should be out anyway. Win Win.
The things you've mentioned him doing are disgusting on a health, mental, and interpersonal level."
An ultimatum like that is not going to work, I don't think. Other people have made the point in this thread that he has to want to change for himself.
and I sincerely hope you are not saying being fat is disgusting. Not everyone can help their weight, especially in a case like this where psychology seems to be heavily involved.
posted by IndigoRain at 3:01 PM on July 27, 2011 [2 favorites]
I know you don't want to leave him.. but it sounds like he is mostly checked out all ready. forget the fat thing- All these things that are going on- the lying, the aggressive fighting, the financial sabotage? whatthefuck?
Sure, try and get him to counciling and address this food issue, but my god, girl- you do NOT have to be miserable forever. For better or worse is awesome and admirable, but there is a reason why divorce lawyers exist. and MAYBE you telling him that your relationship has deteriorated enough that you feel TOO miserable, emotionally abandoned, and angry to stay married- he'll have an ephany.
not everyone divorces because they don't love eachother anymore. sometimes it's the only way to be ok.
posted by Blisterlips at 3:53 PM on July 27, 2011 [6 favorites]
Sure, try and get him to counciling and address this food issue, but my god, girl- you do NOT have to be miserable forever. For better or worse is awesome and admirable, but there is a reason why divorce lawyers exist. and MAYBE you telling him that your relationship has deteriorated enough that you feel TOO miserable, emotionally abandoned, and angry to stay married- he'll have an ephany.
not everyone divorces because they don't love eachother anymore. sometimes it's the only way to be ok.
posted by Blisterlips at 3:53 PM on July 27, 2011 [6 favorites]
I can't even comprehend how one person could actually consume all of that, and let alone be "only" 80 pounds overweight when it's done.
One possible way is through purging, which I imagine could easily contribute to an upset stomach into the bargain. From what I understand, it's standard procedures for bulimics to do stuff like this.
posted by tel3path at 3:57 PM on July 27, 2011
One possible way is through purging, which I imagine could easily contribute to an upset stomach into the bargain. From what I understand, it's standard procedures for bulimics to do stuff like this.
posted by tel3path at 3:57 PM on July 27, 2011
I feel so sad for both of you.
I disagree with the poster above who says this is not an eating disorder. Your husband has the classic behavior of an addict: lying about his indulgences, the apparent inability to control his overeating, ($900 extra a month on food!) etc.
If you are in the U.S., the National Institute of Mental Health recognizes eating disorders like this one, under "binge-eating disorder". As far as the fact that "technically" the DSM-IV doesn't agree, so what? The DSM-IV is slow to change, and at one point homosexuality was labelled as a mental illness. The fact that it hasn't caught up to every specific condition shouldn't keep you from recognizing there is a very real problem here.
The good news is that eating disorders can be treated. The most effective treatments include family therapy, and I think it is important that you be involved in your husband's treatment if he is going to get better. You are both in grad school, and everything I have read right here on Mefi tells me that is a really stressful time. I strongly, strongly recommend you get help from the university's mental health services in the form of therapy for the two of you. I would honestly tell your husband that you want this because you want to save your marriage, which is absolutely true.
If you can get your husband to go to therapy with you, and you bring up these concerns about his weight gain, the therapist can refer you to more specific help, and also give you advice on how you should be handling this as the spouse of a person with an eating disorder.
Which, by the way: I understand your frustration. I believe that you have tried everything else you can think of, and that's why I'm suggesting this route. But I think therapy will also benefit you, fit and healthy as you are. I'm concerned that you went into your marriage when your husband was just overweight thinking you could change him--"He's perfect, except his weight, but I can fix that." Now he is obese, you are contemptuous of him for not changing in the way you wanted him to.
Ask yourself if you ever really saw him for who he was and accepted him unconditionally.
It's not your fault he's obese. He did this to himself with his overeating and bad coping habits and all the rest. But he may not consciously realize why he is doing it or how to stop doing it, so try not to judge him too much. Maybe a therapist can help you with that part.
posted by misha at 4:33 PM on July 27, 2011 [4 favorites]
I disagree with the poster above who says this is not an eating disorder. Your husband has the classic behavior of an addict: lying about his indulgences, the apparent inability to control his overeating, ($900 extra a month on food!) etc.
If you are in the U.S., the National Institute of Mental Health recognizes eating disorders like this one, under "binge-eating disorder". As far as the fact that "technically" the DSM-IV doesn't agree, so what? The DSM-IV is slow to change, and at one point homosexuality was labelled as a mental illness. The fact that it hasn't caught up to every specific condition shouldn't keep you from recognizing there is a very real problem here.
The good news is that eating disorders can be treated. The most effective treatments include family therapy, and I think it is important that you be involved in your husband's treatment if he is going to get better. You are both in grad school, and everything I have read right here on Mefi tells me that is a really stressful time. I strongly, strongly recommend you get help from the university's mental health services in the form of therapy for the two of you. I would honestly tell your husband that you want this because you want to save your marriage, which is absolutely true.
If you can get your husband to go to therapy with you, and you bring up these concerns about his weight gain, the therapist can refer you to more specific help, and also give you advice on how you should be handling this as the spouse of a person with an eating disorder.
Which, by the way: I understand your frustration. I believe that you have tried everything else you can think of, and that's why I'm suggesting this route. But I think therapy will also benefit you, fit and healthy as you are. I'm concerned that you went into your marriage when your husband was just overweight thinking you could change him--"He's perfect, except his weight, but I can fix that." Now he is obese, you are contemptuous of him for not changing in the way you wanted him to.
Ask yourself if you ever really saw him for who he was and accepted him unconditionally.
It's not your fault he's obese. He did this to himself with his overeating and bad coping habits and all the rest. But he may not consciously realize why he is doing it or how to stop doing it, so try not to judge him too much. Maybe a therapist can help you with that part.
posted by misha at 4:33 PM on July 27, 2011 [4 favorites]
I think the comments you're getting are all very good evidence that you and your husband need to talk to each other with experts present. This is a huge set of deeply emotional, personal issues. It's not just about gaining or losing weight, and it's not just about his overeating or even his overeating and lying about it.
I think a good start would be to say, "It seems like we have the same three or four fights over and over again without resolution. I think we should see a therapist together. If I call the Counseling Center and make us an appointment, will you come with me?"
If he's not willing to go, I think you should table the idea and go by yourself. Get started sorting out your feelings and goals. Discuss with your therapist how best to reintroduce the idea of marriage therapy to your husband. I suggest this because, if you ask him to see a therapist with you, he refuses, and you insist or argue about it, the conversation could turn into a very ugly argument that pulls in all of the ongoing problems in your marriage--and then therapy becomes another thing to fight about. Therapy should be something you both want to use as a resource to strengthen and improve your marriage.
Also, I understand that therapy can seem like an enormous financial burden, but your university almost certainly has mental health resources and even if not (or if they're inadequate), there are therapists who will work on a sliding scale or will offer a discount if you're paying out of pocket rather than through insurance. Moreover, it's so worth the money to feel like you're finally getting somewhere, like even if you both have miles to go you're at least on the way and going in the right direction. There's nothing worse than being unhappy and feeling like you're just going to stay that way.
posted by Meg_Murry at 5:12 PM on July 27, 2011 [1 favorite]
I think a good start would be to say, "It seems like we have the same three or four fights over and over again without resolution. I think we should see a therapist together. If I call the Counseling Center and make us an appointment, will you come with me?"
If he's not willing to go, I think you should table the idea and go by yourself. Get started sorting out your feelings and goals. Discuss with your therapist how best to reintroduce the idea of marriage therapy to your husband. I suggest this because, if you ask him to see a therapist with you, he refuses, and you insist or argue about it, the conversation could turn into a very ugly argument that pulls in all of the ongoing problems in your marriage--and then therapy becomes another thing to fight about. Therapy should be something you both want to use as a resource to strengthen and improve your marriage.
Also, I understand that therapy can seem like an enormous financial burden, but your university almost certainly has mental health resources and even if not (or if they're inadequate), there are therapists who will work on a sliding scale or will offer a discount if you're paying out of pocket rather than through insurance. Moreover, it's so worth the money to feel like you're finally getting somewhere, like even if you both have miles to go you're at least on the way and going in the right direction. There's nothing worse than being unhappy and feeling like you're just going to stay that way.
posted by Meg_Murry at 5:12 PM on July 27, 2011 [1 favorite]
It sounds like, even more than a lack of respect, you feel contempt for your husband and his choices. I've never seen a relationship really recover once contempt has entered it, whether or not the couple stays together or not (and sometimes they stay miserably together for decades) it is just so hugely toxic.
And that's just scratching the surface (lying, sexual attraction, possible abuse, fights, eating disorder, maybe other mental health issues). It may be the right combination of therapy/counseling, medical supervision, willingness to change, support, etc, will be able to fix both your marriage and the obesity. But I'd take a long honest look at yourself and, if you see contempt, maybe it's best for both of you to cut your losses and move on.
posted by 6550 at 8:14 PM on July 27, 2011
And that's just scratching the surface (lying, sexual attraction, possible abuse, fights, eating disorder, maybe other mental health issues). It may be the right combination of therapy/counseling, medical supervision, willingness to change, support, etc, will be able to fix both your marriage and the obesity. But I'd take a long honest look at yourself and, if you see contempt, maybe it's best for both of you to cut your losses and move on.
posted by 6550 at 8:14 PM on July 27, 2011
I've never seen a relationship really recover once contempt has entered it, whether or not the couple stays together or not
Just as a datapoint, I've seen multiple relationships recover from contempt, not that it isn't a big fat red flag.
posted by small_ruminant at 8:24 PM on July 27, 2011 [2 favorites]
Just as a datapoint, I've seen multiple relationships recover from contempt, not that it isn't a big fat red flag.
posted by small_ruminant at 8:24 PM on July 27, 2011 [2 favorites]
What a horrible situation to be in, OP. Lots of people have made important and excellent points.
I agree that it's probably an eating disorder. I agree about therapy being in order. I agree that you should try a separation but work hard to salvage the marriage. I agree that you can't fix this.
If you were my friend, I would hug you and cry with you. It must be so overwhelming and frustrating. There is nothing you can do. I hope you'll take this as an opportunity to grow and change those unhealthy relationships you have in your life.
Memail me if you want someone to listen or talk to. I'm praying for you both.
posted by guster4lovers at 9:50 PM on July 27, 2011
I agree that it's probably an eating disorder. I agree about therapy being in order. I agree that you should try a separation but work hard to salvage the marriage. I agree that you can't fix this.
If you were my friend, I would hug you and cry with you. It must be so overwhelming and frustrating. There is nothing you can do. I hope you'll take this as an opportunity to grow and change those unhealthy relationships you have in your life.
Memail me if you want someone to listen or talk to. I'm praying for you both.
posted by guster4lovers at 9:50 PM on July 27, 2011
OP, I'm sorry for your situation. I hope that you and your husband reach happiness.
Please, please don't force yourself to have sex when you don't want to. Pity sex, guilt sex - no, this sounds like bullying sex. I've been in a situation where I wasn't feeling sexy towards my SO and he would get so angry and start huge fights (but never did address the things that I told him needed to change to get back into a sexy frame of mind)...any sex that comes from a place like this is not okay. He is bullying you and you need to stand up for yourself here.
It is NOT his entitlement to get sex from his partner simply because you guys are in a relationship. It IS your entitlement to wait until your relationship is in an emotionally healthy place before you put sex back on the table.
posted by pluot at 11:03 PM on July 27, 2011 [3 favorites]
Please, please don't force yourself to have sex when you don't want to. Pity sex, guilt sex - no, this sounds like bullying sex. I've been in a situation where I wasn't feeling sexy towards my SO and he would get so angry and start huge fights (but never did address the things that I told him needed to change to get back into a sexy frame of mind)...any sex that comes from a place like this is not okay. He is bullying you and you need to stand up for yourself here.
It is NOT his entitlement to get sex from his partner simply because you guys are in a relationship. It IS your entitlement to wait until your relationship is in an emotionally healthy place before you put sex back on the table.
posted by pluot at 11:03 PM on July 27, 2011 [3 favorites]
He had a weight problem when you married him which has become worse over time. Obesity is a medical condition that is much better understood these days and if diet and exercise were the answer to the obesity epidemic they would be a whole hell of a lot more successful.
There are a variety of strategies that I think you can pursue and I agree that therapy is helpful to all of those strategies. I also think that you should look at enrolling in a medical programme that includes as one of the options bariatric surgery.
It is a question of not putting more calories into your mouth than your metabolism needs however you manage to do that. But there are strategies, including surgery, to assist you with doing that successfully and in an obesogenic culture these strategies unfortunately have to be employed more and more.
They are not without risk, neither are they the lazy or the easy way out.
I have been involved for 7 years both professionally & vocationally (through a patient charity) with the various modalities of bariatric surgery and have had one of the procedures myself. The sheer relief of having a tool that helps me with a battle that I will have to fight every day of my life is incredible. I never had to face the additional stress and pressure of a partner that found me unattractive. Of all of the options available at his age I would look for a surgeon who places Allergan products and follows the approach of Paul O' Brien MD. There are literally hundreds of web support groups out there, maybe point him in the direction of a few local to you.
Good luck
posted by Wilder at 11:13 AM on July 28, 2011 [1 favorite]
There are a variety of strategies that I think you can pursue and I agree that therapy is helpful to all of those strategies. I also think that you should look at enrolling in a medical programme that includes as one of the options bariatric surgery.
It is a question of not putting more calories into your mouth than your metabolism needs however you manage to do that. But there are strategies, including surgery, to assist you with doing that successfully and in an obesogenic culture these strategies unfortunately have to be employed more and more.
They are not without risk, neither are they the lazy or the easy way out.
I have been involved for 7 years both professionally & vocationally (through a patient charity) with the various modalities of bariatric surgery and have had one of the procedures myself. The sheer relief of having a tool that helps me with a battle that I will have to fight every day of my life is incredible. I never had to face the additional stress and pressure of a partner that found me unattractive. Of all of the options available at his age I would look for a surgeon who places Allergan products and follows the approach of Paul O' Brien MD. There are literally hundreds of web support groups out there, maybe point him in the direction of a few local to you.
Good luck
posted by Wilder at 11:13 AM on July 28, 2011 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by asockpuppet at 8:12 AM on July 27, 2011 [72 favorites]