Resources that describe healthy relationships?
July 27, 2011 7:58 AM Subscribe
Resources that describe healthy relationships?
Late last year, my unhappy long term relationship ended. I was broken hearted at first, but eventually realized that it was for the best. We were both miserable and unfulfilled. I realized that I'd been treated pretty badly and that I'd been afraid to be myself because I thought it would end the relationship. I've thought a lot about how I contributed to the toxic parts of the relationship, and worked on fixing those insecure parts of me that caused them. I'm pretty confident in myself now.
I've recently started dating again. I've found myself being cautious and commitment phobic out of fear that I'll make the same mistakes and find myself an insecure, depressed mess again. I think this is normal baggage, and I've made an effort to be honest and constructive with the people I date about it.
At the same time, I'm sort of unsure about what a normal, healthy relationship looks like. In my last relationship, I put my own needs aside in order to be nice and accommodating because I thought that was the only way I could keep my ex interested in me. I handled conflict in my relationship in the same passive aggressive, avoidant way that my parents did. I excused a lot of disrespectful behaviors that I shouldn't have. I know what I did wrong, but I think knowing what to do is better than knowing what not to do. What are some great examples of healthy, happy relationships on television, film, the internet and in literature? If you know someone with a healthy relationship, what features of it make you think of it as being healthy?
For instance, I found it really helpful to look at the relationship modeled between Coach Taylor and his wife in Friday Night Lights. They were good at resolving conflict directly, lovingly and with respect.
If you'd like to contact me directly, throwaway email's at bangbanghello@gmail.com
Late last year, my unhappy long term relationship ended. I was broken hearted at first, but eventually realized that it was for the best. We were both miserable and unfulfilled. I realized that I'd been treated pretty badly and that I'd been afraid to be myself because I thought it would end the relationship. I've thought a lot about how I contributed to the toxic parts of the relationship, and worked on fixing those insecure parts of me that caused them. I'm pretty confident in myself now.
I've recently started dating again. I've found myself being cautious and commitment phobic out of fear that I'll make the same mistakes and find myself an insecure, depressed mess again. I think this is normal baggage, and I've made an effort to be honest and constructive with the people I date about it.
At the same time, I'm sort of unsure about what a normal, healthy relationship looks like. In my last relationship, I put my own needs aside in order to be nice and accommodating because I thought that was the only way I could keep my ex interested in me. I handled conflict in my relationship in the same passive aggressive, avoidant way that my parents did. I excused a lot of disrespectful behaviors that I shouldn't have. I know what I did wrong, but I think knowing what to do is better than knowing what not to do. What are some great examples of healthy, happy relationships on television, film, the internet and in literature? If you know someone with a healthy relationship, what features of it make you think of it as being healthy?
For instance, I found it really helpful to look at the relationship modeled between Coach Taylor and his wife in Friday Night Lights. They were good at resolving conflict directly, lovingly and with respect.
If you'd like to contact me directly, throwaway email's at bangbanghello@gmail.com
This may sound a little cheesy, but I follow The Daily Love on twitter. It's not a deep resource, but it's nice to see little healthy gems about healthy relationships in my twitter feed every day.
posted by pazazygeek at 8:18 AM on July 27, 2011
posted by pazazygeek at 8:18 AM on July 27, 2011
In my experience, happy and healthy relationships can be very different. One book I recently read Couples: The Truth by Kathy Figes shows different kinds of couples and ways that they make their relationships work.
I think the tough part with television and film is that so many show the beginnings of relationships and then end before any of the real stuff happens. People change and grow - my relationship with my husband is very different than it was when we first started dating, and I know we have definitely had rough spots along the way. I think the best advice I can give to you is to be gentle with yourself and be gentle with whom you are dating. You will both be making mistakes. Be honest, don't hold grudges, say "please" and "thank you", give genuine compliments if you can, and make sure to take care of yourself.
Good luck to you. :)
posted by jillithd at 8:36 AM on July 27, 2011
I think the tough part with television and film is that so many show the beginnings of relationships and then end before any of the real stuff happens. People change and grow - my relationship with my husband is very different than it was when we first started dating, and I know we have definitely had rough spots along the way. I think the best advice I can give to you is to be gentle with yourself and be gentle with whom you are dating. You will both be making mistakes. Be honest, don't hold grudges, say "please" and "thank you", give genuine compliments if you can, and make sure to take care of yourself.
Good luck to you. :)
posted by jillithd at 8:36 AM on July 27, 2011
SmartMarriages is the place I would start. There are many great resources that show and teach healthy relationship skills. I would start with the work of John Gottman and the work of Howard Markman/Scott Stanley. they are the leading researchers who have material based on years of longitudinal studies where they studied successful and unsuccessful couples and determined what behaviors correlated with which outcomes.
Another favorite of mine is Stephen Stosny and Pat Love's How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About it. I know you're not married, but the book gives great insight about how men and women approach relationships the wrong way and how to do it right. It especially will give you insight into how men think and what motivates them.
The good news is that there is more research and available resources for this kind of learning than at any previous time. Good for you for seeking to acquire the knowledge and skills you need to have a healthy relationship!
posted by cross_impact at 8:44 AM on July 27, 2011 [3 favorites]
Another favorite of mine is Stephen Stosny and Pat Love's How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About it. I know you're not married, but the book gives great insight about how men and women approach relationships the wrong way and how to do it right. It especially will give you insight into how men think and what motivates them.
The good news is that there is more research and available resources for this kind of learning than at any previous time. Good for you for seeking to acquire the knowledge and skills you need to have a healthy relationship!
posted by cross_impact at 8:44 AM on July 27, 2011 [3 favorites]
some basic comparisons of healthy v. unhealth love. i like thinking of them as guideposts.
posted by anya32 at 8:52 AM on July 27, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by anya32 at 8:52 AM on July 27, 2011 [1 favorite]
This isn't particularly deep, but I'm constantly pleased by Marshall and Lily on How I Met Your Mother. You rarely see a young couple -- or any couple on TV, for that matter -- where the wife isn't nagging and the husband isn't a doof, and their relationship isn't all about making sexy comments to each other. I enjoy seeing a couple that has clearly been together for a long time and has been (as this comment and thread says) witnesses to each other's lives. They know each other, with lots of subtlety and fun, and they generally use that for good and not evil :)
Also, check out the movie Win Win with Paul Giamatti and Amy Ryan. It's a pretty great movie on its own merits, but both my partner and I appreciated the realness of this couple's lives now and how they react to the things that happen. There's also a thread of "life isn't the way we thought it would be" that is very real and recognizable, and they deal with that beautifully.
posted by Madamina at 8:55 AM on July 27, 2011 [1 favorite]
Also, check out the movie Win Win with Paul Giamatti and Amy Ryan. It's a pretty great movie on its own merits, but both my partner and I appreciated the realness of this couple's lives now and how they react to the things that happen. There's also a thread of "life isn't the way we thought it would be" that is very real and recognizable, and they deal with that beautifully.
posted by Madamina at 8:55 AM on July 27, 2011 [1 favorite]
This recent AskMe is similar and has some great answers in it.
posted by headnsouth at 9:29 AM on July 27, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by headnsouth at 9:29 AM on July 27, 2011 [1 favorite]
The website scarleteen (don't be put off by the "teen" bit; it's great for everyone, imho) has some insightful, kind, and thought-provoking resources. Your question made me think of two in particular: "How to build, board and navigate a healthy relationship" and "Should I stay or should I go?" (contains a checklist!).
posted by the cat's pyjamas at 2:28 PM on July 27, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by the cat's pyjamas at 2:28 PM on July 27, 2011 [1 favorite]
Try Parenting from the Inside Out.
Seriously, ignore the title and the fact that it's written for parents. The early part of the book, in particular, concentrates on relationship styles and how we each develop our own style (I'm not a parent and reading it really pushed my understanding of my style a long long way).
posted by prettypretty at 3:10 PM on July 27, 2011
Seriously, ignore the title and the fact that it's written for parents. The early part of the book, in particular, concentrates on relationship styles and how we each develop our own style (I'm not a parent and reading it really pushed my understanding of my style a long long way).
posted by prettypretty at 3:10 PM on July 27, 2011
When I first came across this book in the library I went straight to Chapter 6 and I was blown away. This might also be helpful too.
posted by foxjacket at 8:01 PM on July 27, 2011
posted by foxjacket at 8:01 PM on July 27, 2011
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by Admiral Haddock at 8:10 AM on July 27, 2011 [1 favorite]