How to talk to a 7-year old about the drowning death of his dear friend?
July 26, 2011 8:55 PM Subscribe
A cousin that my 7-year-old son has a deep friendship with drowned today during recreational lake swimming and is now dead. How do I tell my son about this tragedy, especially the existential/metaphysical questions about death?
Complicating details:
1. Right now I'm travelling and my wife is home with the kids. Should I cut my conference trip short and fly back ASAP to help deliver the news in person?
2. 7-year-old son has been asking lots of existential questions about the end of the world recently, and is deeply disturbed by the 'scientific narrative' that the sun may, millions of years from now, expand in size and swallow up the earth.
3. I presume it's his choice if he wants to go to a funeral? How do you prepare a 7-year-old for a funeral of a friend that he held so dear?
Trying to keep this question concise, so I'll end here...
Complicating details:
1. Right now I'm travelling and my wife is home with the kids. Should I cut my conference trip short and fly back ASAP to help deliver the news in person?
2. 7-year-old son has been asking lots of existential questions about the end of the world recently, and is deeply disturbed by the 'scientific narrative' that the sun may, millions of years from now, expand in size and swallow up the earth.
3. I presume it's his choice if he wants to go to a funeral? How do you prepare a 7-year-old for a funeral of a friend that he held so dear?
Trying to keep this question concise, so I'll end here...
1. Yes, go home! Don't let your wife handle this by herself.
posted by fingersandtoes at 9:08 PM on July 26, 2011 [23 favorites]
posted by fingersandtoes at 9:08 PM on July 26, 2011 [23 favorites]
I'm so sorry for his loss
I was only 7 when my Dad passed on, and I always respected the adults who gave the facts of his dying to me straight
take him aside,...and tell him the facts. His friend is dead, forever. Don't lie to him, but give him age-appropriate answers
posted by thelonius at 9:08 PM on July 26, 2011 [3 favorites]
I was only 7 when my Dad passed on, and I always respected the adults who gave the facts of his dying to me straight
take him aside,...and tell him the facts. His friend is dead, forever. Don't lie to him, but give him age-appropriate answers
posted by thelonius at 9:08 PM on July 26, 2011 [3 favorites]
Treat him like an adult and be honest about what happened. 7 year olds are much more perceptive than you might think. Answer his questions as honestly as you can. Definitely his choice as to whether or not to go to the funeral.
posted by banished at 9:12 PM on July 26, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by banished at 9:12 PM on July 26, 2011 [1 favorite]
Please go home. I can't help with the grief issues, but my father travelled a lot on business and I can speak to that aspect with confidence. The one time my father was really needed to deal with a major family crisis, he dropped what he was doing and was home from across the Atlantic inside of 24 hours. Your presence will help your son deal with this crisis and emphasize how important he is to you. Your absence will deliver a different message.
posted by immlass at 9:13 PM on July 26, 2011 [43 favorites]
posted by immlass at 9:13 PM on July 26, 2011 [43 favorites]
As far as #1, yes; I think this will be a pretty important thing, and it will be good and important for him to have both his parents there, reassuring him that they love him and helping share the burden of pain. Moreover, a death in the family is a perfectly acceptable reason to curtail business, and any colleague who suggests that your work should take precedence should be dragged out back and beaten.
The only advice I have for #s 2 and 3 is this: We often try to protect our kids from pain and sadness, but sometimes it's unavoidable. Pain and sadness are part of life too, and it's important to let your son express grief and not be ashamed of it.
My condolences to you and your family.
posted by Jon_Evil at 9:14 PM on July 26, 2011 [2 favorites]
The only advice I have for #s 2 and 3 is this: We often try to protect our kids from pain and sadness, but sometimes it's unavoidable. Pain and sadness are part of life too, and it's important to let your son express grief and not be ashamed of it.
My condolences to you and your family.
posted by Jon_Evil at 9:14 PM on July 26, 2011 [2 favorites]
This is a major, major trauma for your son. He will always remember every detail about how this is handled, so you want to get it right - or as right as you possibly can.
Absolutely get home as quickly as you can so you can be there, like the rock he needs his father to be, when he's given the news. He's going to absorb everything you tell him AND every expression on your face - all of it. It will matter a lot whether your voice sounds firm and confident and fatherly - he'll remember it all.
I was five when my grandmother passed away and I have few memories from that time, but I remember everything that was said and done when my father took me into the front yard and we looked up at the stars in the sky when he told me what had happened. At five, I was ready to believe that one of those new stars was hers. When my daughter's grandfather died, she was four, and the same type of thing worked - her Boppy was up there looking down at her and would always be there, etc.
But at seven, you can expect questions like how can his body be here but he's in Heaven, etc., so have some answers ready, because you do need to reassure him; one thought he'll have is that he may be the one who dies next week. A year after my daughter's first grandfather died, her other grandfather passed away. She handled it well, but a couple of weeks later I found her in tears and trembling - she wanted to know when I was going to die - because "everybody else is."
As for the funeral - are there other cousins and youngsters going to the funeral? My own thought is that the funeral would probably be okay if he wants to go, but I'd skip the commitment service at the cemetery - I think the image of his friend in a hole in the ground might be a little hard to handle, especially if he actually sees the coffin in that environment.
Just my thoughts - you're an exceptional father to consider skipping your conference to help your son with this and I hope you'll do exactly that. The only other thing I can think of is that you must expect him to "crash" off and on for months when things trigger the hurt again - and if he gets too focused on death you might need to get him some grief counseling. Which, by the way, leads me to remind you that there are a whole lot of excellent resources available on the internet to help you with this.
Good luck to you.
posted by aryma at 9:16 PM on July 26, 2011 [3 favorites]
Absolutely get home as quickly as you can so you can be there, like the rock he needs his father to be, when he's given the news. He's going to absorb everything you tell him AND every expression on your face - all of it. It will matter a lot whether your voice sounds firm and confident and fatherly - he'll remember it all.
I was five when my grandmother passed away and I have few memories from that time, but I remember everything that was said and done when my father took me into the front yard and we looked up at the stars in the sky when he told me what had happened. At five, I was ready to believe that one of those new stars was hers. When my daughter's grandfather died, she was four, and the same type of thing worked - her Boppy was up there looking down at her and would always be there, etc.
But at seven, you can expect questions like how can his body be here but he's in Heaven, etc., so have some answers ready, because you do need to reassure him; one thought he'll have is that he may be the one who dies next week. A year after my daughter's first grandfather died, her other grandfather passed away. She handled it well, but a couple of weeks later I found her in tears and trembling - she wanted to know when I was going to die - because "everybody else is."
As for the funeral - are there other cousins and youngsters going to the funeral? My own thought is that the funeral would probably be okay if he wants to go, but I'd skip the commitment service at the cemetery - I think the image of his friend in a hole in the ground might be a little hard to handle, especially if he actually sees the coffin in that environment.
Just my thoughts - you're an exceptional father to consider skipping your conference to help your son with this and I hope you'll do exactly that. The only other thing I can think of is that you must expect him to "crash" off and on for months when things trigger the hurt again - and if he gets too focused on death you might need to get him some grief counseling. Which, by the way, leads me to remind you that there are a whole lot of excellent resources available on the internet to help you with this.
Good luck to you.
posted by aryma at 9:16 PM on July 26, 2011 [3 favorites]
I am so sorry for your family's loss. I don't have specific advice about what to say to him, but if it is at all possible, then yes, do fly home to be with him for this. When I was about 8 I was traumatized by the death of one of our pets (I don't at all mean to trivialize your son's cousin's death by comparing it to when my pet died - it's just that this was one of the more traumatizing experiences in my youth), but one thing that really helped was my dad just being there and talking to me. I don't remember very much of what he said, but I remember that he let me cry and I remember that he talked to me and treated me like a human being and not just a kid, and even looking back all these years later, it meant the world to me.
posted by DingoMutt at 9:17 PM on July 26, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by DingoMutt at 9:17 PM on July 26, 2011 [2 favorites]
1. Yes. If not for you, then for him. There will be a lot of questions. On preview immlass nails the reason for this soundly. Your family needs you. Take a few days off for bereavement.
2. This will come up. Don't just focus on the negative existential - talk about the positives too. Give him the opportunity to remember the good things about his friend.
3. I'd gently encourage him to go - do not force it.
posted by Nanukthedog at 9:18 PM on July 26, 2011
2. This will come up. Don't just focus on the negative existential - talk about the positives too. Give him the opportunity to remember the good things about his friend.
3. I'd gently encourage him to go - do not force it.
posted by Nanukthedog at 9:18 PM on July 26, 2011
It may be helpful to work through this in a manner that jibes with what your son is like -- he might want to write down his feelings about this; write a letter to the deceased that you guys can "mail" by taking it to the funeral, or deposit in a pretty garden spot, etc.; or draw a picture about it. Even building a Lego model of heaven, or whatever aligns with your beliefs.
When my son was littler our cat died of cancer -- not saying that is equal to your tragedy, but it upset my son. I quickly realized that he felt relieved when he saw ME crying -- that it wasn't just him that was upset, and that it was really okay for us all to be upset.
posted by BlahLaLa at 9:40 PM on July 26, 2011 [1 favorite]
When my son was littler our cat died of cancer -- not saying that is equal to your tragedy, but it upset my son. I quickly realized that he felt relieved when he saw ME crying -- that it wasn't just him that was upset, and that it was really okay for us all to be upset.
posted by BlahLaLa at 9:40 PM on July 26, 2011 [1 favorite]
Tell him he died. Kids understand death. In days gone by the death of siblings or friends in childhood was commonplace. It's much rarer today, but it happens. The more complicated you make it, the more confused he'll be.
posted by joannemullen at 9:45 PM on July 26, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by joannemullen at 9:45 PM on July 26, 2011 [1 favorite]
I just wanted to echo what others have said, that your son will remember the details of this forever. A member of my Scout troop committed suicide when I was a kid and I still remember quite vividly the details of finding out that he died.
posted by jayder at 9:49 PM on July 26, 2011
posted by jayder at 9:49 PM on July 26, 2011
2nding blalala's suggestion that you let your kid maybe get this out with art. Also on the plane that this needs to be explained as quickly and simply as possible. Maybe look at the Sesame Street episode where Mr. Hooper died and pull some inspiration from that? I'm very sorry for you and your child's loss.
posted by Gilbert at 9:53 PM on July 26, 2011
posted by Gilbert at 9:53 PM on July 26, 2011
I think you have to be guided by your son's maturity, and I think you might take this as an opportunity to present something other than just the scientific version of death. Non-scientific belief systems about death inform a lot of religion, and have been personal beliefs of people since just about the beginning of our race, for the comfort they offer. If your son has a choice of beliefs, and chooses to believe that his friend's spirit continues, somehow, somewhere, in some way with which he might later, himself, reconnect, shouldn't he have that choice to believe, and whatever comfort comes from that choice, and that belief?
As to specifics, if this is his first experience of death, then going to the funeral may be an important part of his developing understanding of death. If he's experienced the death of a pet, or a relative, previously, perhaps he has something to which he can relate this new loss. But if not, and this is the first time he'll have seen a dead person, he may have more curiosity than you expect. I've seen children at open casket funerals do many things spontaneously, from sweetly kissing the face of the deceased, to poking the deceased, and even yelling trying to personally "wake" the dead, and you might have to allow for such reactions from your child if you go to a viewing, and explain them to the grieving parents of the drowned boy. That can be very difficult, or just bittersweet, depending upon what happens.
My condolences for your son's loss.
posted by paulsc at 9:58 PM on July 26, 2011 [1 favorite]
As to specifics, if this is his first experience of death, then going to the funeral may be an important part of his developing understanding of death. If he's experienced the death of a pet, or a relative, previously, perhaps he has something to which he can relate this new loss. But if not, and this is the first time he'll have seen a dead person, he may have more curiosity than you expect. I've seen children at open casket funerals do many things spontaneously, from sweetly kissing the face of the deceased, to poking the deceased, and even yelling trying to personally "wake" the dead, and you might have to allow for such reactions from your child if you go to a viewing, and explain them to the grieving parents of the drowned boy. That can be very difficult, or just bittersweet, depending upon what happens.
My condolences for your son's loss.
posted by paulsc at 9:58 PM on July 26, 2011 [1 favorite]
I am so sorry your family is facing this tragedy. I agree with everyone saying that if flying home is an option, it's the best thing to do. Specifically, I would get down on your son's level, and tell him that you have some really sad news, that there was a terrible accident and that his cousin died. You can be gentle when you tell him but there really is no way to sugar-coat news like this.
FWIW my personal approach would be to tell him that you are going to the funeral as a family. I wouldn't offer the option to not go. Should he balk, you can then deal with that, and ask him perhaps what else he would like to do that day to memorialise his cousin, but the ritual of funeral rites is near universal because it serves a purpose. It helps.
This past weekend we were at a funeral for a very young father, one filled with his children and their classmates and neighbours. I was really struck by how well all of the kids did, and how much normality they brought to a difficult day.
posted by DarlingBri at 10:04 PM on July 26, 2011 [3 favorites]
FWIW my personal approach would be to tell him that you are going to the funeral as a family. I wouldn't offer the option to not go. Should he balk, you can then deal with that, and ask him perhaps what else he would like to do that day to memorialise his cousin, but the ritual of funeral rites is near universal because it serves a purpose. It helps.
This past weekend we were at a funeral for a very young father, one filled with his children and their classmates and neighbours. I was really struck by how well all of the kids did, and how much normality they brought to a difficult day.
posted by DarlingBri at 10:04 PM on July 26, 2011 [3 favorites]
Please make sure to let him know that this was a very unnusual event... when I was little my uncle died very suddenly from something I'm still not sure of the details of... all I remember was he had a cold, and then it turned into pneumonia and 3 days later he was dead... until my late teens I was terrified of getting sick/going to the doctor etc and felt like every little virus was likely to turn fatal. I'm pretty sure its because of how I interpreted this event.
posted by Chrysalis at 11:17 PM on July 26, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by Chrysalis at 11:17 PM on July 26, 2011 [2 favorites]
I would fly home and give him the news in person. I would be straight with him about the facts and add any religious thoughts if your family is that way and I would give him the option to go to the funeral, but I would definitely take him to his cousin's house when the family gathers. I would also have him write a note to his aunt and uncle relating how important cousin was to him and how much he will be missed. I might even have him write a goodbye note to his cousin (include in coffin?) if that makes sense for your family.
I also agree that the message you send by dropping everything and coming home is one of love and respect for your son and his feelings and will go a long long way to helping him with his grief.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 11:17 PM on July 26, 2011 [1 favorite]
I also agree that the message you send by dropping everything and coming home is one of love and respect for your son and his feelings and will go a long long way to helping him with his grief.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 11:17 PM on July 26, 2011 [1 favorite]
as far as metaphysics goes, as far as I can recall, at age 7, it was "how can God let this happen" kind of stuff, and it is ( I think) useless for me, to generalize about how children deal with that, because my situation was so strongly influenced in a certain way
I assume that kids of that young age vary wildly in their abstract thinking capacity for stuff like that, they are doing the best they can, but it's mostly feelings that they do not have words for?
it is very difficult, as a middle-aged person, to recall the mentality of childhood, even in daily life, much less at high emotion/crisis points. What I do remember is: I wanted time and attention from my adults, that was like gold to me.
posted by thelonius at 2:14 AM on July 27, 2011
I assume that kids of that young age vary wildly in their abstract thinking capacity for stuff like that, they are doing the best they can, but it's mostly feelings that they do not have words for?
it is very difficult, as a middle-aged person, to recall the mentality of childhood, even in daily life, much less at high emotion/crisis points. What I do remember is: I wanted time and attention from my adults, that was like gold to me.
posted by thelonius at 2:14 AM on July 27, 2011
Best answer: I'm not a parent but in the course of my work I've interviewed quite a few people about death and bereavement, and several about how children deal with it. I'd recommend finding some experts who can advise you, but some points I've picked up:
1. Children switch in and out of grief quite quickly. They'll be playing quite happily, having not mentioned it for a long time, then floor you by asking something extraordinarily blunt about death, then go back to playing. Answer honestly, but don't be afraid to say "I don't know" or "Nobody knows" if that's the truth.
2. Don't be afraid to provide plenty of age-appropriate information if your son asks for it, and don't feel he's being morbid if he spends a lot of time thinking about death afterwards - he's learning and trying to understand it. One family I visited had a six-year-old son who'd seen his father die of a heart attack in his early 30s. He had a video of a TV programme which showed a cremation, and was going through a phase of watching it repeatedly, and really wanted to show it to me, with full on, heart-rending "That's what happened to my Daddy, he went on fire," commentary. His mum rolled her eyes as she recounted trying to explain to people why he had a small toy coffin. He woke regularly with nightmares but they were getting less frequent and the family seemed to be doing really well in the circumstances - their counsellors thought so too.
3. A memory box is a valuable thing now and down the line. He can write about or draw happy memories, print out some favourite photographs, perhaps keep one of his cousin's favourite toys, or an article of clothing that his cousin was wearing in a photograph of them both together. You might want to keep other things (such as newspaper articles) in case they turn out to be helpful to him much further down the line - even in adulthood they might help him put his childhood memory into an adult perspective.
The wonderful charity I've spoken to here is Richmond's Hope. They're small and local so won't be of direct use for you, but their website might give you some starting points. Good luck.
posted by penguin pie at 2:21 AM on July 27, 2011 [2 favorites]
1. Children switch in and out of grief quite quickly. They'll be playing quite happily, having not mentioned it for a long time, then floor you by asking something extraordinarily blunt about death, then go back to playing. Answer honestly, but don't be afraid to say "I don't know" or "Nobody knows" if that's the truth.
2. Don't be afraid to provide plenty of age-appropriate information if your son asks for it, and don't feel he's being morbid if he spends a lot of time thinking about death afterwards - he's learning and trying to understand it. One family I visited had a six-year-old son who'd seen his father die of a heart attack in his early 30s. He had a video of a TV programme which showed a cremation, and was going through a phase of watching it repeatedly, and really wanted to show it to me, with full on, heart-rending "That's what happened to my Daddy, he went on fire," commentary. His mum rolled her eyes as she recounted trying to explain to people why he had a small toy coffin. He woke regularly with nightmares but they were getting less frequent and the family seemed to be doing really well in the circumstances - their counsellors thought so too.
3. A memory box is a valuable thing now and down the line. He can write about or draw happy memories, print out some favourite photographs, perhaps keep one of his cousin's favourite toys, or an article of clothing that his cousin was wearing in a photograph of them both together. You might want to keep other things (such as newspaper articles) in case they turn out to be helpful to him much further down the line - even in adulthood they might help him put his childhood memory into an adult perspective.
The wonderful charity I've spoken to here is Richmond's Hope. They're small and local so won't be of direct use for you, but their website might give you some starting points. Good luck.
posted by penguin pie at 2:21 AM on July 27, 2011 [2 favorites]
This is a self-link, I hope nobody minds, but I just re-read the article I wrote about the wee boy mentioned in point 2 above and his mother offers a lot of good advice and discussion of what you might expect for your son and yourself. He was actually only three years old, I see on reading it again.
posted by penguin pie at 2:31 AM on July 27, 2011
posted by penguin pie at 2:31 AM on July 27, 2011
I am so sorry for the loss your family is experiencing.
You should go home and be with your family.
I don't know where you live, but in my hometown, we have The Center for Grieving Children.
This is what they do.
You may have something similar near you, and they may be able to help guide you through part of this process.
In the meantime, their resource page has some concise articles on how children grieve and how it may appear. It may be helpful for you or your wife to read through some of them when you have a moment.
posted by zizzle at 3:05 AM on July 27, 2011
You should go home and be with your family.
I don't know where you live, but in my hometown, we have The Center for Grieving Children.
This is what they do.
You may have something similar near you, and they may be able to help guide you through part of this process.
In the meantime, their resource page has some concise articles on how children grieve and how it may appear. It may be helpful for you or your wife to read through some of them when you have a moment.
posted by zizzle at 3:05 AM on July 27, 2011
Similar to the discussion about "where do babies come from," you can provide the information without overdoing all the details, acknowledge his sadness, and then give him the space to ask all the questions he wants. Answer those questions, and then wait for more. In that way, he's guiding the conversation a bit, but getting the information he needs.
My favorite uncle died in a house fire when I was a little younger than your son, and I remember that along with my fear that it would happen to my parents, I didn't really understand what "gone forever from our earth" meant. What about tomorrow? Next week? Surely by summertime I could see him again? I had difficulty finding appropriate definitions for the terms that were used. I guess I asked everyone about "forever," the exact location of heaven, and God's role in all this probably off and on for months, with slight variations to my questions until I could finally come to my own understanding. Of course, everyone gave me different answers (because even adults have not come up with a single, common understanding), but that helped too.
"People believe different things, but what I believe is..." is a statement that you are trusting this little person with big, adult stuff, allowing them access to information to form their own opinion while acknowledging that adults don't actually know everything (belief without proof -- faith -- being very different than scientifically provable fact). I think you should go home to show that you support him in his time of grief. Let him guide you in the conversation and ask the questions he needs to ask instead of having a large, pre-prepared statement.
posted by Houstonian at 4:14 AM on July 27, 2011
My favorite uncle died in a house fire when I was a little younger than your son, and I remember that along with my fear that it would happen to my parents, I didn't really understand what "gone forever from our earth" meant. What about tomorrow? Next week? Surely by summertime I could see him again? I had difficulty finding appropriate definitions for the terms that were used. I guess I asked everyone about "forever," the exact location of heaven, and God's role in all this probably off and on for months, with slight variations to my questions until I could finally come to my own understanding. Of course, everyone gave me different answers (because even adults have not come up with a single, common understanding), but that helped too.
"People believe different things, but what I believe is..." is a statement that you are trusting this little person with big, adult stuff, allowing them access to information to form their own opinion while acknowledging that adults don't actually know everything (belief without proof -- faith -- being very different than scientifically provable fact). I think you should go home to show that you support him in his time of grief. Let him guide you in the conversation and ask the questions he needs to ask instead of having a large, pre-prepared statement.
posted by Houstonian at 4:14 AM on July 27, 2011
I was that age when my grandma died somewhat surprisingly. I think I got the standard "went to heaven" speech. I believe I found it somewhat comforting.
Even if you are of the atheist extraction, this sort of abstraction might not be a bad idea for someone of that age. Instead of the flowery robes and partying with god narrative, you can frame it more like: "there are different phases of life. there is the time before we are born, there is the time we are alive, and there is the time after we are alive. After people die, they live in a different way, because people remember them." Maybe they are studying some historical person in school, and you can make a comparison. "See? St. Francis of Assisi has been dead for a long time, but he lives on because people remember him."
It's also a time to teach them how to grieve. It's ok for them to cry and feel like they have been ripped off, but it's not ok to let their sadness turn into bad behavior. And after some time, they might feel bad for not feeling so bad any more. That's ok too, that's all part of it.
(Note: my grandmother was a teacher. I was freaking terrified of the open casket at the wake. It did not help that busloads of kids my age that I didn't know (she taught 2nd grade) streamed in to pay their respects.)
(Note2: I just went to the funeral of my friend's dad, and had to pay my respects to his grandkids (my friend's kids), who are about that age. It broke my heart and it would have been easier to just ignore them, but they did seem momentarily comforted by an adult taking a moment to talk directly to them. My point, I think: talk to them like adults. Let them see your pain, but also let them see that despite that pain, you can still be strong.)
posted by gjc at 5:31 AM on July 27, 2011
Even if you are of the atheist extraction, this sort of abstraction might not be a bad idea for someone of that age. Instead of the flowery robes and partying with god narrative, you can frame it more like: "there are different phases of life. there is the time before we are born, there is the time we are alive, and there is the time after we are alive. After people die, they live in a different way, because people remember them." Maybe they are studying some historical person in school, and you can make a comparison. "See? St. Francis of Assisi has been dead for a long time, but he lives on because people remember him."
It's also a time to teach them how to grieve. It's ok for them to cry and feel like they have been ripped off, but it's not ok to let their sadness turn into bad behavior. And after some time, they might feel bad for not feeling so bad any more. That's ok too, that's all part of it.
(Note: my grandmother was a teacher. I was freaking terrified of the open casket at the wake. It did not help that busloads of kids my age that I didn't know (she taught 2nd grade) streamed in to pay their respects.)
(Note2: I just went to the funeral of my friend's dad, and had to pay my respects to his grandkids (my friend's kids), who are about that age. It broke my heart and it would have been easier to just ignore them, but they did seem momentarily comforted by an adult taking a moment to talk directly to them. My point, I think: talk to them like adults. Let them see your pain, but also let them see that despite that pain, you can still be strong.)
posted by gjc at 5:31 AM on July 27, 2011
I am so sorry for your and your families loss. My niece was almost your sons age when her Grandfather who she was very close to passed away. Unlike your son she was there and watched him pass, she was actually the last thing he saw.
Afterwards she asked a lot of questions, we simply answered them as best we could, we told her what we knew and if we didn't know an answer to something more theological we said we don't know for sure but this is what we believe and talked a little about what other people around the world believe to help her put together her own view on death.
She was at the funeral as we felt having that sense of goodbye was important. Her Grandads nickname was Bee and so instead of flowers the people at the funeral were given cute little stickers of bumble bees which they all came forward and stuck all over his coffin. My niece was the one that wanted to stand there and give them out to the people as it was in part her idea (she wanted God to know who was in the coffin).
I imagine you are grieving too as you've lost a nephew, let him see your grief so he knows he's not alone in feeling what he feels.
So in short
1/ Go home to your son. Knowing that at a time like this he was more important than your work will mean a lot to him.
2/ Answer the questions as best you can. If you don't know an answer say you don't but tell him what you think/believe. You don't have to have all the answers.
3/I think him going to the funeral is a good idea. Maybe, if the boys parents don't mind let him work out something meaningful he might like to do there to say goodbye. We all chose something from us and his to be cremated with my dad maybe there is a toy or something they liked he could include. A lot of that I guess would depend on how close you are with his family.
posted by wwax at 7:49 AM on July 27, 2011 [1 favorite]
Afterwards she asked a lot of questions, we simply answered them as best we could, we told her what we knew and if we didn't know an answer to something more theological we said we don't know for sure but this is what we believe and talked a little about what other people around the world believe to help her put together her own view on death.
She was at the funeral as we felt having that sense of goodbye was important. Her Grandads nickname was Bee and so instead of flowers the people at the funeral were given cute little stickers of bumble bees which they all came forward and stuck all over his coffin. My niece was the one that wanted to stand there and give them out to the people as it was in part her idea (she wanted God to know who was in the coffin).
I imagine you are grieving too as you've lost a nephew, let him see your grief so he knows he's not alone in feeling what he feels.
So in short
1/ Go home to your son. Knowing that at a time like this he was more important than your work will mean a lot to him.
2/ Answer the questions as best you can. If you don't know an answer say you don't but tell him what you think/believe. You don't have to have all the answers.
3/I think him going to the funeral is a good idea. Maybe, if the boys parents don't mind let him work out something meaningful he might like to do there to say goodbye. We all chose something from us and his to be cremated with my dad maybe there is a toy or something they liked he could include. A lot of that I guess would depend on how close you are with his family.
posted by wwax at 7:49 AM on July 27, 2011 [1 favorite]
Be honest and direct and comforting. Make sure to make time to keep discussing it - the initial news is always a shock, and he will likely need to talk about it over time.
posted by theora55 at 8:19 AM on July 27, 2011
posted by theora55 at 8:19 AM on July 27, 2011
Response by poster: Update:
We're delaying breaking the news to my 7-year-old until I'm back at home and can tell him with his mom. We'll then depart as a family almost immediately to the airport to fly out to where my cousin, aunt and uncle live.
Thanks for the other responses. The 7-year-old has experienced death of pet cats (2 within the last 2 years) and great-grandparents (3 years ago), but has never lost someone for whom he was as fond of as my cousin.
Other things I'm anticipating that might warrant additional comment: The 7-year-old is an enthusiastic swimmer (who called me to enthusiastically announce he had figured out how to do the butterfly stroke just 30 minutes before I got another call that his friend had drowned.) His grandmother also lives on a lake in our town that we swim in during summer. In short-- lakes, water, and swimming are a big part of his world right now and I don't know how a lake-drowning death of his friend will affect this.
posted by u2604ab at 9:55 AM on July 27, 2011
We're delaying breaking the news to my 7-year-old until I'm back at home and can tell him with his mom. We'll then depart as a family almost immediately to the airport to fly out to where my cousin, aunt and uncle live.
Thanks for the other responses. The 7-year-old has experienced death of pet cats (2 within the last 2 years) and great-grandparents (3 years ago), but has never lost someone for whom he was as fond of as my cousin.
Other things I'm anticipating that might warrant additional comment: The 7-year-old is an enthusiastic swimmer (who called me to enthusiastically announce he had figured out how to do the butterfly stroke just 30 minutes before I got another call that his friend had drowned.) His grandmother also lives on a lake in our town that we swim in during summer. In short-- lakes, water, and swimming are a big part of his world right now and I don't know how a lake-drowning death of his friend will affect this.
posted by u2604ab at 9:55 AM on July 27, 2011
penguin pie: "He can write about or draw happy memories, print out some favourite photographs..."
This is such great advice. In addition to maybe drawing or writing something for himself, you could encourage him to draw or writing something for his cousin's parents and siblings too, as a way of subtly showing him that other people are grieving for his friend too, and that we need to take care of everyone. He could also write or draw something that might be displayed with the casket (saw this at a recent funeral - drawings and love notes from the deceased's grandkids adored her casket - it was beautiful and heartbreaking at the same time.)
posted by SuperSquirrel at 10:20 AM on July 27, 2011
This is such great advice. In addition to maybe drawing or writing something for himself, you could encourage him to draw or writing something for his cousin's parents and siblings too, as a way of subtly showing him that other people are grieving for his friend too, and that we need to take care of everyone. He could also write or draw something that might be displayed with the casket (saw this at a recent funeral - drawings and love notes from the deceased's grandkids adored her casket - it was beautiful and heartbreaking at the same time.)
posted by SuperSquirrel at 10:20 AM on July 27, 2011
Someone close to me recently had one of their children die. The mom gave the surviving siblings each a special necklace (they're Christian so it was a simple cross pendant engraved with his name), and both of the kids took that very seriously and it was a framework for "we will always remember him, he will always be with us in our hearts" conversations. It's one thing you might think about in the weeks ahead - is there something special you can do with him or a special token you can give him that he can hold on to?
posted by LobsterMitten at 3:19 PM on July 27, 2011
posted by LobsterMitten at 3:19 PM on July 27, 2011
Mod note: A few comments removed, this is absolutely not the place for an argument about religious belief.
posted by cortex (staff) at 4:22 PM on July 27, 2011
posted by cortex (staff) at 4:22 PM on July 27, 2011
lakes, water, and swimming are a big part of his world right now
You don't say what the exact circumstances of the cousin's drowning were, but my instinct here would be to:
Omit as many details as you think best. I think it is fine to leave it at the level of "there was an accident and he drowned; subtext: it's not something that could happen to you". If there is a clear-cut explanation (cousin mistakenly swam into area with dangerous current), that would be ok to describe, but if it was just a freak chance, he became exhausted, etc, I think I would gloss over those details since they leave open the fear that it's an easy circumstance to get into. I also think you don't want to get into any details about timeline or anything that gives him a scary vivid picture in his mind.
Later on, when he returns to swimming himself, focus on general good water safety:
always swim with at least a buddy, and have a plan for what to do if one of you gets in trouble;
know where the throwable life-ring is; know where an adult is;
swim where there's a lifeguard or adult whenever possible;
avoid areas with known undertows, turbulence, dangerous currents, slick rocks, don't dive into water of unknown depth; etc;
watch for boats and keep clear of them;
know your limits, and come out of the water if you're feeling tired, shaky, chilled, etc;
practice swimming and be as strong a swimmer as you can; you can even train to be a lifeguard when you get older.
When I was a kid, a distant older cousin died in a bicycle accident because she wasn't wearing a helmet. I don't know anything else about the circumstances of the accident but that fact (and I've always been a stickler for helmets because of it).
posted by LobsterMitten at 8:30 PM on July 27, 2011
You don't say what the exact circumstances of the cousin's drowning were, but my instinct here would be to:
Omit as many details as you think best. I think it is fine to leave it at the level of "there was an accident and he drowned; subtext: it's not something that could happen to you". If there is a clear-cut explanation (cousin mistakenly swam into area with dangerous current), that would be ok to describe, but if it was just a freak chance, he became exhausted, etc, I think I would gloss over those details since they leave open the fear that it's an easy circumstance to get into. I also think you don't want to get into any details about timeline or anything that gives him a scary vivid picture in his mind.
Later on, when he returns to swimming himself, focus on general good water safety:
always swim with at least a buddy, and have a plan for what to do if one of you gets in trouble;
know where the throwable life-ring is; know where an adult is;
swim where there's a lifeguard or adult whenever possible;
avoid areas with known undertows, turbulence, dangerous currents, slick rocks, don't dive into water of unknown depth; etc;
watch for boats and keep clear of them;
know your limits, and come out of the water if you're feeling tired, shaky, chilled, etc;
practice swimming and be as strong a swimmer as you can; you can even train to be a lifeguard when you get older.
When I was a kid, a distant older cousin died in a bicycle accident because she wasn't wearing a helmet. I don't know anything else about the circumstances of the accident but that fact (and I've always been a stickler for helmets because of it).
posted by LobsterMitten at 8:30 PM on July 27, 2011
I think you are definitely making the right choice to go home and break the news to him in person, and to be there for him. I would also take him to the funeral--it will likely be helpful for him to see other people grieve, to hear people say nice things about his cousin, etc. You may want to encourage him to draw a picture or write a letter or pick a little toy/trinket to put in the casket (if that is okay with the cousin's family). Talk about the funeral as an event for everyone to come together and talk about how great the cousin was, and share memories. If your son doesn't want to swim for awhile that seems pretty normal; but if it seems like he's developing a phobia of water you may want to talk to someone who is experienced in working with kids.
When I was seven, an older cousin who I idolized died in a sky diving accident; I also lost my grandmother shortly before that and my grandfather a couple of years later. I attended all three funerals. I remember finding out about the death of my cousin very vividly because it was sudden and happened during a big family gathering; for my grandparents, my parents were able to break the news more carefully and I think that helped. But it is also really big news and a moment people tend to remember I think. However, I will say that these events have had a big impact on my life; death at that age, and especially accidental death of someone young, is scary and traumatic. I think you can expect it to come up in the future in other ways. He might be really clingy for awhile, or may develop abandonment fears later on. I guess what I'm trying to say is keep an eye out for awhile, as in months and years, not just the next few weeks. There are really good kids' books about death; you could talk to a librarian or children's counselor and get some recommendations if that is something your son might relate to.
I'm so sorry for your loss.
posted by min at 3:13 PM on July 29, 2011
When I was seven, an older cousin who I idolized died in a sky diving accident; I also lost my grandmother shortly before that and my grandfather a couple of years later. I attended all three funerals. I remember finding out about the death of my cousin very vividly because it was sudden and happened during a big family gathering; for my grandparents, my parents were able to break the news more carefully and I think that helped. But it is also really big news and a moment people tend to remember I think. However, I will say that these events have had a big impact on my life; death at that age, and especially accidental death of someone young, is scary and traumatic. I think you can expect it to come up in the future in other ways. He might be really clingy for awhile, or may develop abandonment fears later on. I guess what I'm trying to say is keep an eye out for awhile, as in months and years, not just the next few weeks. There are really good kids' books about death; you could talk to a librarian or children's counselor and get some recommendations if that is something your son might relate to.
I'm so sorry for your loss.
posted by min at 3:13 PM on July 29, 2011
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I was seven when my grandpa died. I understood that he was dead, but the funeral was very very confusing for me. Definitely let it be his choice to go or not, and if he does go, keep him away from any adults who might try to engage him in conversation.
posted by phunniemee at 9:06 PM on July 26, 2011