i love you. oh, wait. SIKE!
July 25, 2011 6:09 PM Subscribe
BF and I had a big fight that I started because I didn't pay attention to HALT. Now he wants me to stop saying I love you.
My LDR boyfriend and I had a big, horrible fight this weekend that was partially due to the fact that we had a shitty time with one of his relatives, and partially because I haven't been able to express myself very well "in the moment" as of late due to grad school related exhaustion. Instead I bottled up a lot of insecure crap and exploded Sunday and made me absolutely hysterical. I was being really irrational and dramatic and weepy and basically just a distressing mess, and he and I really had a terrible time trying to sort the important stuff out from the noise. We rarely see each other, and due to a problem with my BC a while back, a lot of the times we have seen each other since January have been marred by me being hormonally fucked up and unhappy. I'm better now, and this outburst was super abnormal.
We're finally picking up the pieces, and today I noticed that he stopped saying "I love you", so I asked him if he needed me to stop saying it too. He said "Yes, for a while. I still care very deeply for you." and now I feel like imploding. It took me a long time to be able to tell this guy how much I love him, and I feel like I revealed a side of myself that is honest and true but not loveable this weekend and I don't know what to do. He now knows more about my past struggles with anorexia, depression, and suicidal ideation, and his behavior makes me feel so, so worried that these are pieces of baggage he cannot accept or deal with. I've never felt so vulnerable, and it's awful because the one big thing that he had to fight with me about has to do with the fact that I never tell him things and that I sometimes don't seem genuine or honest. What do you do when the honest side of you is marred by some really sad shit? He told me he feels that it's hard to love someone who cannot even love themselves, and I don't know what to do with that.
I am not sure how to proceed from here. I have never had a partner that wanted to tell me he loved me prior to this one, and him saying it matters more to me than anyone else saying it. I don't know if I should just leave him alone, and give him space for a week, or what. I can't even compartmentalize his need to rescind the sentiment because it's making me so stressed. I wish I hadn't asked. How can I stay true to my emotions here without going overboard? I have no access to my normal therapist right now because of a distance problem.
Bonus Question: How do you get over yourself if you're finally realizing how arrogant and defensive you are?
My LDR boyfriend and I had a big, horrible fight this weekend that was partially due to the fact that we had a shitty time with one of his relatives, and partially because I haven't been able to express myself very well "in the moment" as of late due to grad school related exhaustion. Instead I bottled up a lot of insecure crap and exploded Sunday and made me absolutely hysterical. I was being really irrational and dramatic and weepy and basically just a distressing mess, and he and I really had a terrible time trying to sort the important stuff out from the noise. We rarely see each other, and due to a problem with my BC a while back, a lot of the times we have seen each other since January have been marred by me being hormonally fucked up and unhappy. I'm better now, and this outburst was super abnormal.
We're finally picking up the pieces, and today I noticed that he stopped saying "I love you", so I asked him if he needed me to stop saying it too. He said "Yes, for a while. I still care very deeply for you." and now I feel like imploding. It took me a long time to be able to tell this guy how much I love him, and I feel like I revealed a side of myself that is honest and true but not loveable this weekend and I don't know what to do. He now knows more about my past struggles with anorexia, depression, and suicidal ideation, and his behavior makes me feel so, so worried that these are pieces of baggage he cannot accept or deal with. I've never felt so vulnerable, and it's awful because the one big thing that he had to fight with me about has to do with the fact that I never tell him things and that I sometimes don't seem genuine or honest. What do you do when the honest side of you is marred by some really sad shit? He told me he feels that it's hard to love someone who cannot even love themselves, and I don't know what to do with that.
I am not sure how to proceed from here. I have never had a partner that wanted to tell me he loved me prior to this one, and him saying it matters more to me than anyone else saying it. I don't know if I should just leave him alone, and give him space for a week, or what. I can't even compartmentalize his need to rescind the sentiment because it's making me so stressed. I wish I hadn't asked. How can I stay true to my emotions here without going overboard? I have no access to my normal therapist right now because of a distance problem.
Bonus Question: How do you get over yourself if you're finally realizing how arrogant and defensive you are?
I'm not sure how to handle the boyfriend specific questions. But in terms of emotions it sounds like you need to start loving yourself first. You are human after all! One of the ways that I know how is through metta or loving kindness practice. However, I am sure there are many other ways to accomplish this that others will hopefully mention. Basically metta practice is to sit comfortably with your eyes closed and meditate. That is, simply be aware and observe your breath and thoughts. Don't control them or anything, but just notice them and return to your breath. Then, repeat simple phrases such as: "May I be safe"; "May I be happy"; "May I be healthy"; "May I have ease"; "May I be at pace;" etc. Feel free to modify or add your own. For more details perhaps check out this book: Lovingkindness: The Revolutionary Art of Happiness
I just took a mindfulness class on Saturday where one of the things they talked about was RAIN: Recognize, Accept, Investigate, Non-identify.
*Recognize how you are feeling both in your mind and body. Think of the mind-body as one unit, each is important.
*Accept how you are feeling and turn towards it. Don't run away from it or hide it. Own up to it. Emotions are temporary if you face them.
*Investigate it. This is very subtle. You do not intellectually dissect it. Rather, just notice what you are thinking and feeling in your body in a non-judgmental way with a sense of curiosity, like a scientist. Again this is not intellectual, but more like an investigation.
*Non-Identification is probably the most important step for me. That is, notice that you are not your emotion. The feeling does not define you, you are much bigger than it. How you act today or even in this very moment is important. Not your past.
There are much more detailed resources out there on these topics, but the real benefit comes from putting in the hard work to make it happen.
http://cdl3.com/peterWilliams/techniques.html
http://www.coastsidevipassana.org/andreasNotes/MindfulnessOfEmotions.pdf
posted by Mr. Papagiorgio at 6:44 PM on July 25, 2011 [26 favorites]
I just took a mindfulness class on Saturday where one of the things they talked about was RAIN: Recognize, Accept, Investigate, Non-identify.
*Recognize how you are feeling both in your mind and body. Think of the mind-body as one unit, each is important.
*Accept how you are feeling and turn towards it. Don't run away from it or hide it. Own up to it. Emotions are temporary if you face them.
*Investigate it. This is very subtle. You do not intellectually dissect it. Rather, just notice what you are thinking and feeling in your body in a non-judgmental way with a sense of curiosity, like a scientist. Again this is not intellectual, but more like an investigation.
*Non-Identification is probably the most important step for me. That is, notice that you are not your emotion. The feeling does not define you, you are much bigger than it. How you act today or even in this very moment is important. Not your past.
There are much more detailed resources out there on these topics, but the real benefit comes from putting in the hard work to make it happen.
http://cdl3.com/peterWilliams/techniques.html
http://www.coastsidevipassana.org/andreasNotes/MindfulnessOfEmotions.pdf
posted by Mr. Papagiorgio at 6:44 PM on July 25, 2011 [26 favorites]
Sounds like you opened up a whole new side of yourself to him that you've been hiding for a while, and he needs a bit of time to process that. It seems what you could really use right now is to talk to him, but since he needs a bit of space, I would recommend writing a letter to him. The stuff in your bottom two paragraphs would be a good place to start.
posted by lizbunny at 6:45 PM on July 25, 2011
posted by lizbunny at 6:45 PM on July 25, 2011
Sounds like you opened up a whole new side of yourself to him that you've been hiding for a while, and he needs a bit of time to process that.
This is likely true, but the part where he's no longer saying "I love you" and wants you to stop saying you love him is really disturbing. Especially when combined with what he said about it being hard to love someone who can't love themselves -- yes, he's right, it IS hard to love someone who struggles with loving themselves, but apparently he thinks the correct thing to do in that situation is to withhold affection, because that's what he is doing to you. It comes across as a punishment, and if my boyfriend did this to me I would assume he wanted to break up with me and was pulling the "I'll be cold and mean until she breaks up with me first because I'm too chicken to do it myself" move.
posted by palomar at 6:49 PM on July 25, 2011 [29 favorites]
This is likely true, but the part where he's no longer saying "I love you" and wants you to stop saying you love him is really disturbing. Especially when combined with what he said about it being hard to love someone who can't love themselves -- yes, he's right, it IS hard to love someone who struggles with loving themselves, but apparently he thinks the correct thing to do in that situation is to withhold affection, because that's what he is doing to you. It comes across as a punishment, and if my boyfriend did this to me I would assume he wanted to break up with me and was pulling the "I'll be cold and mean until she breaks up with me first because I'm too chicken to do it myself" move.
posted by palomar at 6:49 PM on July 25, 2011 [29 favorites]
PAY ATTENTION. You have just been put on notice that your actions are jeoprodizing your relationship. You can make this be about how devastating this is, or you can try to reign it in to a level that he finds tolerable. Your decisions and your handling of yourself -->yourself<>
Notice I said actions. You can have all the emotions you want, but how you express them is through action, verbal & otherwise. If you honestly cannot control them, his emerging concerns about your suitability to form a healthy relationship with him are valid. So take this as a reality check, rather than a slap in the face. His honesty, however painful, can help you grow. You've got some more work to do, love.
posted by Ys at 6:54 PM on July 25, 2011 [17 favorites]
Notice I said actions. You can have all the emotions you want, but how you express them is through action, verbal & otherwise. If you honestly cannot control them, his emerging concerns about your suitability to form a healthy relationship with him are valid. So take this as a reality check, rather than a slap in the face. His honesty, however painful, can help you grow. You've got some more work to do, love.
posted by Ys at 6:54 PM on July 25, 2011 [17 favorites]
Argh, hit post too quickly...
OP, like lizbunny said, your last two paragraphs would make a good letter to your boyfriend. Write to him about how you are feeling right now. It might help to write a letter tonight and review it in the morning before sending it, to make sure you're stating things clearly and not feeling too emotional. (I can get kind of emotionally keyed up at night and have learned that when I'm feeling really intense about something and it's past, like, 8pm, it's to my benefit to put a hold on it and wait until morning to act. Usually in the morning things are way less emotionally intense and I'm more clearheaded and able to be rational when the night before I was a steaming pile of crying mess.)
posted by palomar at 6:55 PM on July 25, 2011 [1 favorite]
OP, like lizbunny said, your last two paragraphs would make a good letter to your boyfriend. Write to him about how you are feeling right now. It might help to write a letter tonight and review it in the morning before sending it, to make sure you're stating things clearly and not feeling too emotional. (I can get kind of emotionally keyed up at night and have learned that when I'm feeling really intense about something and it's past, like, 8pm, it's to my benefit to put a hold on it and wait until morning to act. Usually in the morning things are way less emotionally intense and I'm more clearheaded and able to be rational when the night before I was a steaming pile of crying mess.)
posted by palomar at 6:55 PM on July 25, 2011 [1 favorite]
Your decisions and your handling of yourself -->yourself<>
nerts. Not sure where the rest of that paragraph went. Totally blanking on what I said :(
posted by Ys at 6:59 PM on July 25, 2011
nerts. Not sure where the rest of that paragraph went. Totally blanking on what I said :(
posted by Ys at 6:59 PM on July 25, 2011
We're finally picking up the pieces, and today I noticed that he stopped saying "I love you", so I asked him if he needed me to stop saying it too. He said "Yes, for a while. I still care very deeply for you."
When i was young, and trying to figure out the rules of relationships with my now-husband and first serious boyfriend, I did a lot of things that I now see were totally stupid as a way to try and manage what were, in retrospect, fairly normal feelings and arguments. Like, at one point, because I was upset that he wasn't calling me enough, I told him he no longer had to call me because I thought waiting for him to call me was what was making me anxious so I thought I could both appear more easygoing and mitigate my own anxiety over giving him permission to not call me (?). It didn't work, of course. We fought more because I was still resentful and my needs were still not being met. The way to deal with it should have been, first, to accept that he was never going to call me every single night, but, second, to state my fairly reasonable needs clearly and let him sort out whether it was something he wanted to do or not.
What you've agreed to is like that. Why would you ask him for permission to stop doing something that makes you feel closer with him, secure, and happy? That's nuts. That doesn't help anything.
It's not too late though. Just call him up and say, "Hey, I know I said I wouldn't say I love you, but I think that was a mistake. I like saying it, and it makes me feel emotionally close with you and secure. You have to do what you have to do, but I hope you respect my own need to be affectionate with you."
I recently read this book and it was really, really helpful for me in recognizing what good relationships look like. Everyone fights. Successful relationships aren't about not fighting--they're about honoring your significant other and working to maintain that friendship no matter the fighting.
Best of luck to you.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 7:14 PM on July 25, 2011 [13 favorites]
When i was young, and trying to figure out the rules of relationships with my now-husband and first serious boyfriend, I did a lot of things that I now see were totally stupid as a way to try and manage what were, in retrospect, fairly normal feelings and arguments. Like, at one point, because I was upset that he wasn't calling me enough, I told him he no longer had to call me because I thought waiting for him to call me was what was making me anxious so I thought I could both appear more easygoing and mitigate my own anxiety over giving him permission to not call me (?). It didn't work, of course. We fought more because I was still resentful and my needs were still not being met. The way to deal with it should have been, first, to accept that he was never going to call me every single night, but, second, to state my fairly reasonable needs clearly and let him sort out whether it was something he wanted to do or not.
What you've agreed to is like that. Why would you ask him for permission to stop doing something that makes you feel closer with him, secure, and happy? That's nuts. That doesn't help anything.
It's not too late though. Just call him up and say, "Hey, I know I said I wouldn't say I love you, but I think that was a mistake. I like saying it, and it makes me feel emotionally close with you and secure. You have to do what you have to do, but I hope you respect my own need to be affectionate with you."
I recently read this book and it was really, really helpful for me in recognizing what good relationships look like. Everyone fights. Successful relationships aren't about not fighting--they're about honoring your significant other and working to maintain that friendship no matter the fighting.
Best of luck to you.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 7:14 PM on July 25, 2011 [13 favorites]
I flip out sometimes in extreme circumstances, everybody does.
Sure you feel badly, you've apologized, you've promised to open up and do better... So why is your BF being so very mean about this? I agree this is withholding behavior, and I don't like it one bit.
If he doesn't come around in a day or two after he's had a little time, I hope you at least update this thread.
It's troubling to me that he can't be more understanding and flexible. It's bad juju. Unless this isn't uncharacteristic behavior on your part and you've mislead us on that point, then it sounds like he has more work to do than you.
He's being unkind. Don't accept that as OK or warranted because you had a meltdown. You've talked it through, you've apologized, most importantly - nobody died - so what more does this guy want??
posted by jbenben at 7:20 PM on July 25, 2011 [8 favorites]
Sure you feel badly, you've apologized, you've promised to open up and do better... So why is your BF being so very mean about this? I agree this is withholding behavior, and I don't like it one bit.
If he doesn't come around in a day or two after he's had a little time, I hope you at least update this thread.
It's troubling to me that he can't be more understanding and flexible. It's bad juju. Unless this isn't uncharacteristic behavior on your part and you've mislead us on that point, then it sounds like he has more work to do than you.
He's being unkind. Don't accept that as OK or warranted because you had a meltdown. You've talked it through, you've apologized, most importantly - nobody died - so what more does this guy want??
posted by jbenben at 7:20 PM on July 25, 2011 [8 favorites]
He said "Yes, for a while. I still care very deeply for you." and now I feel like imploding.
Come on, this is not cool. You can't unring this particular bell. I think it was drama-y for you to ask him this and drama-y for him to respond this way. You shouldn't be put on some kind of probation for being unreasonable or fighting with him. You guys either talk it out, or take a breather and talk it out, or break up. You don't rewind the relationship. How long is "a while?" How are you to know? Red flag. This isn't all you.
posted by sweetkid at 7:25 PM on July 25, 2011 [27 favorites]
Come on, this is not cool. You can't unring this particular bell. I think it was drama-y for you to ask him this and drama-y for him to respond this way. You shouldn't be put on some kind of probation for being unreasonable or fighting with him. You guys either talk it out, or take a breather and talk it out, or break up. You don't rewind the relationship. How long is "a while?" How are you to know? Red flag. This isn't all you.
posted by sweetkid at 7:25 PM on July 25, 2011 [27 favorites]
Taking a break from saying "I love you" seems like a troubling development. One explanation, assuming he is honestly expressing his feelings and this isn't a manipulative act, is that he's putting you on notice that he's setting up some emotional distance. I don't necessarily read it as intentionally unkind, but the net effect is it leaves you wondering where you stand. That's a terrible feeling in a relationship, and I understand why it feels like an implosion.
I would resist the overwhelming urge to process it with him, fix it and try to resolve the uncertainty. Let yourself breathe; let him breathe. Big fights take time to shake off, no matter how much you may want to put it all behind you.
I also hear you feeling frustration and anger at the unfairness of the situation: you made yourself vulnerable, so how can he repay this with coldness? My experience is that I've never been put off by what partners have confessed about their past. You may be ascribing too much importance to the stuff you shared about your past. What eventually tells you whether you want to be in a relationship is how the person is in the relationship. Disclosing the inner you doesn't bond you to that person and it cannot protect you from harm; revealing yourself is part of the normal process by which you figure out your compatibility. It can be very painful, it certainly is unfair, but there's really no other way.
posted by itstheclamsname at 7:41 PM on July 25, 2011 [2 favorites]
I would resist the overwhelming urge to process it with him, fix it and try to resolve the uncertainty. Let yourself breathe; let him breathe. Big fights take time to shake off, no matter how much you may want to put it all behind you.
I also hear you feeling frustration and anger at the unfairness of the situation: you made yourself vulnerable, so how can he repay this with coldness? My experience is that I've never been put off by what partners have confessed about their past. You may be ascribing too much importance to the stuff you shared about your past. What eventually tells you whether you want to be in a relationship is how the person is in the relationship. Disclosing the inner you doesn't bond you to that person and it cannot protect you from harm; revealing yourself is part of the normal process by which you figure out your compatibility. It can be very painful, it certainly is unfair, but there's really no other way.
posted by itstheclamsname at 7:41 PM on July 25, 2011 [2 favorites]
I think you'll be okay.
I had a similar meltdown with my last ex early on, and he also did a similar thing that felt like a pullback -- he said he felt "a little less safe" with me than he had before, but he'd deal with it. He still wanted to stay with me, he insisted, but he just felt a little "less safe" than he had up to that point. He tried to reassure me by promising to come by and hang out a couple days from then.
I of course freaked out when I got home, and spent the next couple days in a state of low-level panic, waiting until the next time we were supposed to hang out and praying that everything would be okay.
And when he showed up two days later, he had a big bouquet of tulips and a recipe for homemade sorbet for me, and he gave me a big hug and everything was okay again.
The moral: someone upthread has said that he's seen a side of you that he's just got to process. I agree, and would like to add that he's probably not going to take too long to do that.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 8:11 PM on July 25, 2011 [2 favorites]
I had a similar meltdown with my last ex early on, and he also did a similar thing that felt like a pullback -- he said he felt "a little less safe" with me than he had before, but he'd deal with it. He still wanted to stay with me, he insisted, but he just felt a little "less safe" than he had up to that point. He tried to reassure me by promising to come by and hang out a couple days from then.
I of course freaked out when I got home, and spent the next couple days in a state of low-level panic, waiting until the next time we were supposed to hang out and praying that everything would be okay.
And when he showed up two days later, he had a big bouquet of tulips and a recipe for homemade sorbet for me, and he gave me a big hug and everything was okay again.
The moral: someone upthread has said that he's seen a side of you that he's just got to process. I agree, and would like to add that he's probably not going to take too long to do that.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 8:11 PM on July 25, 2011 [2 favorites]
Love is about getting through the hard times together, even when one person is being irritating, irrational, or otherwise unattractive. Your boyfriend seeing an unattractive side of you shouldn't cause him to stop loving you (haven't you ever noticed things about him that leave you nonplussed? You still love him anyway, right?). The fact that he responded by apparently (temporarily?) retracting his love in response to your melt down brings said love into question. It seems like he isn't thinking about how the two of you, together as a couple and a team, can get beyond this, but rather about if he still likes you after seeing you in a vulnerable, unedited, and less than attractive state-- a low that everyone finds themselves in at some point in their lives, most of us more than once.
That said, it seems like you may still be all over the place emotionally, so it might be a good idea for your own (mental and physical) health and well being to consider dealing with that a priority.
Best of luck to you-- I've had some drama-filled/fueled relationships in the past, and they can really be exhausting, even when it's no one's fault.
posted by wansac at 8:14 PM on July 25, 2011 [1 favorite]
That said, it seems like you may still be all over the place emotionally, so it might be a good idea for your own (mental and physical) health and well being to consider dealing with that a priority.
Best of luck to you-- I've had some drama-filled/fueled relationships in the past, and they can really be exhausting, even when it's no one's fault.
posted by wansac at 8:14 PM on July 25, 2011 [1 favorite]
Wow. I'm glad it's not just me who is incredibly disturbed by his reaction to you. Yes, you could have approached it differently, and others have given good suggestions on that front. But in a healthy adult relationship, a demonstration of weakness and vulnerability should not prompt that reaction.
I feel like it might be time to walk away. I'm sorry.
I've done four LDR and if you want to chat more about it Memail me. There are details i'd rather not share so publically but that are similar to your situation. Hell, I was you and I dated that guy. I find myself saying this a lot lately, but I wish I could hug you.
posted by guster4lovers at 8:17 PM on July 25, 2011 [2 favorites]
I feel like it might be time to walk away. I'm sorry.
I've done four LDR and if you want to chat more about it Memail me. There are details i'd rather not share so publically but that are similar to your situation. Hell, I was you and I dated that guy. I find myself saying this a lot lately, but I wish I could hug you.
posted by guster4lovers at 8:17 PM on July 25, 2011 [2 favorites]
I've been in your boyfriend shoes, acting like that. If I'm understanding correctly , he's acting childish and punitive because he's hurt by how your acted and he can only see two choices:
A) let you "get away with it" by being a cool mature loving partner who forgives wholly after the fight is over.
B) Withdraw himself because "your actions should have consequences" and "how can she treat me like that" and "argggggg I care for her and she hurts me when she acts like that, whaaaaa"
It's lame. There's a third choice I'll get into below that he's not seeing. Anyway it stems from feelings of inequality in the relationship and you might address those. As to how to proceed right now though:
>give him time to get over this childish bullshit (he's know it is too, don't need to remind him.)
> saying "I love you" is not the thing that counts, loving eachother (verb) is. Third choice, love him; care for him, understand him, talk to him, cherish him, have patience with him (all verbs.) Words will follow actions, no doubt.
One afterthought; remind yourself that you deserve to be loved / cherished / patience / too, and this punitive crap isn't that. So sure, give him a pass on his childish ways for this round, but if a pattern is developing you'll need to address it.
posted by oblio_one at 8:18 PM on July 25, 2011 [1 favorite]
A) let you "get away with it" by being a cool mature loving partner who forgives wholly after the fight is over.
B) Withdraw himself because "your actions should have consequences" and "how can she treat me like that" and "argggggg I care for her and she hurts me when she acts like that, whaaaaa"
It's lame. There's a third choice I'll get into below that he's not seeing. Anyway it stems from feelings of inequality in the relationship and you might address those. As to how to proceed right now though:
>give him time to get over this childish bullshit (he's know it is too, don't need to remind him.)
> saying "I love you" is not the thing that counts, loving eachother (verb) is. Third choice, love him; care for him, understand him, talk to him, cherish him, have patience with him (all verbs.) Words will follow actions, no doubt.
One afterthought; remind yourself that you deserve to be loved / cherished / patience / too, and this punitive crap isn't that. So sure, give him a pass on his childish ways for this round, but if a pattern is developing you'll need to address it.
posted by oblio_one at 8:18 PM on July 25, 2011 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: I agree -- I do think he was just going "JESUS WHY IS EVERYTHING SO INSANE STOP OVERWHELMING ME WITH MIXED MESSAGES", not punishing me. I am not accustomed to fighting or to fixing or to making a relationship work so this is very, very stressful as I haven't really had much exposure to people who do excel at communication stuff like this. Thanks for your input. I am just going to try to sleep and hopefully he and I can reach a new understanding of each other as the days progress.
posted by These Birds of a Feather at 8:25 PM on July 25, 2011
posted by These Birds of a Feather at 8:25 PM on July 25, 2011
1. the one big thing that he had to fight with me about has to do with the fact that I never tell him things and that I sometimes don't seem genuine or honest. What do you do when the honest side of you is marred by some really sad shit?
This one is on him; it seems, maybe not deliberately, that's he's set a no-win trap for you with this. Sometimes, people think they want the truth, but don't realize they only want the truth if it's what they want to hear. However...
He now knows more about my past struggles with anorexia, depression, and suicidal ideation, and his behavior makes me feel so, so worried that these are pieces of baggage he cannot accept or deal with.
I think you have to face here that actually yes, he may not be able to deal with those things even if he tries his best, and there are other people out there who wouldn't be able to either. But that doesn't make you unlovable. That doesn't mean those parts of you are unlovable. And it doesn't mean NOBODY could deal with them or even that only a rare few could deal with them. I speak from my own experience with an issue that some people would find hard to/wouldn't want to deal with. All it means it maybe this particular guy out of millions of guys cannot deal with them.
Do you want to be with a guy who can accept those things about you? IMO, the solution here isn't to try to 100% stifle those things about you, but it also isn't to be upset with your boyfriend if he gives a good faith effort to deal with them and finds that he just can't. The solution is to find a guy who is just naturally okay with all of this.
That said... there are good and bad ways to deal with your issues, which it sounds like you know quite well. I think it's important to separate your issues themselves from how you deal with your issues. And even though there are still people out there who would be able to live with those bad ways of dealing, I think you will be really unnecessarily limiting yourself if you don't take responsibility and face the bad ways of dealing head-on, and really commit to changing them.
Bottling things up and exploding is a bad way of dealing and really unfair to your partner. Getting irrational and dramatic and weepy, and needing someone to sort that out for you, is something I think many people would find bewildering or almost frightening. If this is a part of you that can't change, then it can't change and I absolutely think you can find people to love you exactly how you are. But -- DO you think this is a part of you that can't change? It doesn't sound so to me. You asked how to proceed from here. I think the first thing would be to apologize to him for the outburst and the way you handled things. I think you should take time and come up with concrete changes to make sure this doesn't happen anymore. I don't think it'll be enough to say this is a rare fluke. I think he's wondering, how often do these flukes come around?
As to this:
I noticed that he stopped saying "I love you", so I asked him if he needed me to stop saying it too. He said "Yes, for a while. I still care very deeply for you."
IMO, your boyfriend gets to decide whether or not he wants to be with you. He doesn't get to decide what you can and can't say. He doesn't get to decide how you feel or don't feel. You say what you say and feel how you feel, and if he doesn't want it, then he moves on.
Tl;dr:
None of your sides are unlovable. You might not be compatible with this guy. Figure out what you can change (maybe ways of dealing with or communicating your problems or emotions) and things you can't change (maybe the fact that you deal with depression), and the things you don't want to change (maybe being honest about the way you feel). Internalize that he might not be able to give you what you need and you might not be able to give him what he needs, and that's okay. And that doesn't mean there's anything wrong with either of you.
posted by Ashley801 at 9:33 PM on July 25, 2011 [7 favorites]
This one is on him; it seems, maybe not deliberately, that's he's set a no-win trap for you with this. Sometimes, people think they want the truth, but don't realize they only want the truth if it's what they want to hear. However...
He now knows more about my past struggles with anorexia, depression, and suicidal ideation, and his behavior makes me feel so, so worried that these are pieces of baggage he cannot accept or deal with.
I think you have to face here that actually yes, he may not be able to deal with those things even if he tries his best, and there are other people out there who wouldn't be able to either. But that doesn't make you unlovable. That doesn't mean those parts of you are unlovable. And it doesn't mean NOBODY could deal with them or even that only a rare few could deal with them. I speak from my own experience with an issue that some people would find hard to/wouldn't want to deal with. All it means it maybe this particular guy out of millions of guys cannot deal with them.
Do you want to be with a guy who can accept those things about you? IMO, the solution here isn't to try to 100% stifle those things about you, but it also isn't to be upset with your boyfriend if he gives a good faith effort to deal with them and finds that he just can't. The solution is to find a guy who is just naturally okay with all of this.
That said... there are good and bad ways to deal with your issues, which it sounds like you know quite well. I think it's important to separate your issues themselves from how you deal with your issues. And even though there are still people out there who would be able to live with those bad ways of dealing, I think you will be really unnecessarily limiting yourself if you don't take responsibility and face the bad ways of dealing head-on, and really commit to changing them.
Bottling things up and exploding is a bad way of dealing and really unfair to your partner. Getting irrational and dramatic and weepy, and needing someone to sort that out for you, is something I think many people would find bewildering or almost frightening. If this is a part of you that can't change, then it can't change and I absolutely think you can find people to love you exactly how you are. But -- DO you think this is a part of you that can't change? It doesn't sound so to me. You asked how to proceed from here. I think the first thing would be to apologize to him for the outburst and the way you handled things. I think you should take time and come up with concrete changes to make sure this doesn't happen anymore. I don't think it'll be enough to say this is a rare fluke. I think he's wondering, how often do these flukes come around?
As to this:
I noticed that he stopped saying "I love you", so I asked him if he needed me to stop saying it too. He said "Yes, for a while. I still care very deeply for you."
IMO, your boyfriend gets to decide whether or not he wants to be with you. He doesn't get to decide what you can and can't say. He doesn't get to decide how you feel or don't feel. You say what you say and feel how you feel, and if he doesn't want it, then he moves on.
Tl;dr:
None of your sides are unlovable. You might not be compatible with this guy. Figure out what you can change (maybe ways of dealing with or communicating your problems or emotions) and things you can't change (maybe the fact that you deal with depression), and the things you don't want to change (maybe being honest about the way you feel). Internalize that he might not be able to give you what you need and you might not be able to give him what he needs, and that's okay. And that doesn't mean there's anything wrong with either of you.
posted by Ashley801 at 9:33 PM on July 25, 2011 [7 favorites]
Maybe you should only say "I love you" when your actions, words, emotions are under 'adult' control. 'I love yous' are nice n all, but they aren't a free pass after an argument to getting everything back to where you want it. Especially not if you have just been attacking, wobbled and disrupted by stimulating, external factors. These probably aren't able to be read as 'loving' behaviours to the other person. The other person is a wobbled, disrupted and flailing person too.
Can you accept, in a loving way, that he's being clumsy in navigating these tempestuous arguments because he's a vulnerable person? You're expressing a lot of, hitherto caged, emotions but that doesn't mean that your lover experiences that openness as love or closeness. It can be experienced as 'drama' and 'overwhelming' and 'alienating.' It takes a lot of resilience to deal with one partner's more dramatic way of being in the world.
I've had a LDR and I provided numerous dramatic 'reasons' why I was tempestuous and difficult whenever we reunited for our visits. One time it's the HBC, the next it's a drama at work, next it's something else etc etc. There was always an excuse for my tantrums. I learned from this that I wasn't ready to simply BE, calmly and lovingly, in an intimate space [for similar reasons to yours]. I said "I love you" for effect rather than for sincerity of belief. I've learned to say it in a true, relaxed, calm identification of the feeling of love - free from dramatics and rapprochement scenarios. That's an unhealthy pattern, and I learned to change it. I say "I love you" less often, but I know that when I do, I don't do it to bargain or manipulate.
tl;dr = say "I love you" when you can be a properly reflective adult, not in any kind of dramatic scenario.
posted by honey-barbara at 9:40 PM on July 25, 2011 [4 favorites]
Can you accept, in a loving way, that he's being clumsy in navigating these tempestuous arguments because he's a vulnerable person? You're expressing a lot of, hitherto caged, emotions but that doesn't mean that your lover experiences that openness as love or closeness. It can be experienced as 'drama' and 'overwhelming' and 'alienating.' It takes a lot of resilience to deal with one partner's more dramatic way of being in the world.
I've had a LDR and I provided numerous dramatic 'reasons' why I was tempestuous and difficult whenever we reunited for our visits. One time it's the HBC, the next it's a drama at work, next it's something else etc etc. There was always an excuse for my tantrums. I learned from this that I wasn't ready to simply BE, calmly and lovingly, in an intimate space [for similar reasons to yours]. I said "I love you" for effect rather than for sincerity of belief. I've learned to say it in a true, relaxed, calm identification of the feeling of love - free from dramatics and rapprochement scenarios. That's an unhealthy pattern, and I learned to change it. I say "I love you" less often, but I know that when I do, I don't do it to bargain or manipulate.
tl;dr = say "I love you" when you can be a properly reflective adult, not in any kind of dramatic scenario.
posted by honey-barbara at 9:40 PM on July 25, 2011 [4 favorites]
Even in the midst if my worst fight I occasionally tell my wife that I love her, just to let her know that I may be mad, but it doesn't change the way I feel about her.
Your boyfriend is being q fucking cockeater. He's still mad about your fight, and he's withholding affection to punish you. I'd dump his stupid ass if I were you.
posted by to sir with millipedes at 10:10 PM on July 25, 2011 [7 favorites]
Your boyfriend is being q fucking cockeater. He's still mad about your fight, and he's withholding affection to punish you. I'd dump his stupid ass if I were you.
posted by to sir with millipedes at 10:10 PM on July 25, 2011 [7 favorites]
Woman, he took the "I love you" back? Like it was a loaner?
And then you kind of decided to verbally withhold your love as well because he asked you to?
I don't think love works that way. It's not conditional like that.
At some point, you might consider reflecting on how you define love - for both yourself and others. And you might consider teasing out his definition a bit more as well. Mine includes appreciating the person both for who they are, and who they aspire to be. Wanting that aspiration for themselves, and being willing to help them discover and achieve their own goals, and sense of self in the world.
Because I can love you, and decide you aren't good for me, or in a healthy place, or don't like your actions last week, or that we aren't going in the same direction, or we can't be together, and on and on, but that doesn't stop me from loving you. Even if I couldn't be around you, I'd still want the best for you. You might fall short of how you wish to be in the world, or I might realize I'm not sexually attracted or emotionally attached to you in a romantic life partner sort of a way (perhaps what they call 'in love with you'), but I think it would still fit under the definition of "loving you".
If you still appreciate him for who he is, and who he aspires to be regardless of how he is behaving, you might fit at least my definition of loving him. And if you love him, you say you do, to him, and you behave as if you do. This includes the acknowledging when you fall short of your own expectations and behave crappily, by reflecting, apologizing, and making an effort not to take the other person for granted. You don't say it because someone else says it to you first. And you don't stop saying it, just because someone stops saying it. I think that's because love is an action, not a reaction. Love is independent of the object of your desire loving you at all.
Perhaps there are some friends, books, etc., that could help you reflect and tease out your definition of love. Because love is exactly what a person needs when they realize they are sometimes arrogant, or drama-ish, or defensive. It's a gentleness in realizing, hopefully with humor, that everybody falls short sometimes (like your boyfriend, right now), and when you do, you acknowledge it, and try to do better, and have a deep affection for yourself and those you love, whether they ultimately do do better, or not. Loving yourself and others means you stop digging when you find yourself in a hole: you try not to make it worse, by doing things like punishing people for making a mistake after they have apologized, or stop saying you love them, when what you are is hurt. So, tell him you love him, give him some space - and yourself, to reflect on what love means to you. Because the definition you and he are operating under makes life seem very hard and jagged, and your definitions are making your behaviors and thoughts towards each other very hard as well. It doesn't have to be that way.
posted by anitanita at 11:17 PM on July 25, 2011 [6 favorites]
And then you kind of decided to verbally withhold your love as well because he asked you to?
I don't think love works that way. It's not conditional like that.
At some point, you might consider reflecting on how you define love - for both yourself and others. And you might consider teasing out his definition a bit more as well. Mine includes appreciating the person both for who they are, and who they aspire to be. Wanting that aspiration for themselves, and being willing to help them discover and achieve their own goals, and sense of self in the world.
Because I can love you, and decide you aren't good for me, or in a healthy place, or don't like your actions last week, or that we aren't going in the same direction, or we can't be together, and on and on, but that doesn't stop me from loving you. Even if I couldn't be around you, I'd still want the best for you. You might fall short of how you wish to be in the world, or I might realize I'm not sexually attracted or emotionally attached to you in a romantic life partner sort of a way (perhaps what they call 'in love with you'), but I think it would still fit under the definition of "loving you".
If you still appreciate him for who he is, and who he aspires to be regardless of how he is behaving, you might fit at least my definition of loving him. And if you love him, you say you do, to him, and you behave as if you do. This includes the acknowledging when you fall short of your own expectations and behave crappily, by reflecting, apologizing, and making an effort not to take the other person for granted. You don't say it because someone else says it to you first. And you don't stop saying it, just because someone stops saying it. I think that's because love is an action, not a reaction. Love is independent of the object of your desire loving you at all.
Perhaps there are some friends, books, etc., that could help you reflect and tease out your definition of love. Because love is exactly what a person needs when they realize they are sometimes arrogant, or drama-ish, or defensive. It's a gentleness in realizing, hopefully with humor, that everybody falls short sometimes (like your boyfriend, right now), and when you do, you acknowledge it, and try to do better, and have a deep affection for yourself and those you love, whether they ultimately do do better, or not. Loving yourself and others means you stop digging when you find yourself in a hole: you try not to make it worse, by doing things like punishing people for making a mistake after they have apologized, or stop saying you love them, when what you are is hurt. So, tell him you love him, give him some space - and yourself, to reflect on what love means to you. Because the definition you and he are operating under makes life seem very hard and jagged, and your definitions are making your behaviors and thoughts towards each other very hard as well. It doesn't have to be that way.
posted by anitanita at 11:17 PM on July 25, 2011 [6 favorites]
Best answer: The best way I can interpret his actions is him feeling overwhelmed by the side of you that came out - not the history but the present - and hurt and angry about how you expressed yourself to him, and him feeling distant towards you in a way that makes both him saying he loves you and hearing you say you love him feel insincere. If he thinks you didn't act lovingly towards him, he may hear your saying it as an attempt to erase it or reassure yourself that everything is okay between you when it really isn't.
If that's really how he feels, then he needs to come to you to either work it out honestly or to break up with you. But he may not do that right away, and that would be a side of him - the withdrawing after a fight and the slowness to work his way back to you - that's up to you to accept or leave.
For you, you might want to think about that even if this outburst seems abnormal to you because you know it's not from the bc hormones, it may not feel that abnormal to him if it's in perfect continuity with a pattern of behavior that's been going on since January, and only seemed to let up recently. You may have an uphill battle to demonstrate (not tell him) that you can deal with relationship stresses without being destructive towards him and the relationship.
I agree with other posters that it's not exactly menschlish of him to withdraw his expression of love, but you know, that's exactly what you did too, in your own way, if your fight happened as you described it. You weren't acting lovingly towards him, at least, not expressing it in a way that he could feel it. Maybe for you it was compatible with 'loving' somebody, because it fits with your own past patterns of family and romantic relationships, but that may be what he's getting at with the comment about it being hard to love somebody who doesn't love herself.
You may want to think about the fact that the way you expressed yourself when 'halt' and the way you expressed yourself under the hormonal birth control is so similar. It may be a bit like being drunk. A person may let parts of themselves out more freely when they're drunk, but they're the same person and those parts were there all along. I think it would be a really loving towards yourself (and towards him and future partners/loved ones) thing to do to seriously consider and take care of that part of you that's coming out and hurting you both.
posted by Salamandrous at 6:57 AM on July 26, 2011 [1 favorite]
If that's really how he feels, then he needs to come to you to either work it out honestly or to break up with you. But he may not do that right away, and that would be a side of him - the withdrawing after a fight and the slowness to work his way back to you - that's up to you to accept or leave.
For you, you might want to think about that even if this outburst seems abnormal to you because you know it's not from the bc hormones, it may not feel that abnormal to him if it's in perfect continuity with a pattern of behavior that's been going on since January, and only seemed to let up recently. You may have an uphill battle to demonstrate (not tell him) that you can deal with relationship stresses without being destructive towards him and the relationship.
I agree with other posters that it's not exactly menschlish of him to withdraw his expression of love, but you know, that's exactly what you did too, in your own way, if your fight happened as you described it. You weren't acting lovingly towards him, at least, not expressing it in a way that he could feel it. Maybe for you it was compatible with 'loving' somebody, because it fits with your own past patterns of family and romantic relationships, but that may be what he's getting at with the comment about it being hard to love somebody who doesn't love herself.
You may want to think about the fact that the way you expressed yourself when 'halt' and the way you expressed yourself under the hormonal birth control is so similar. It may be a bit like being drunk. A person may let parts of themselves out more freely when they're drunk, but they're the same person and those parts were there all along. I think it would be a really loving towards yourself (and towards him and future partners/loved ones) thing to do to seriously consider and take care of that part of you that's coming out and hurting you both.
posted by Salamandrous at 6:57 AM on July 26, 2011 [1 favorite]
Bonus Question: How do you get over yourself if you're finally realizing how arrogant and defensive you are?
As far as readable 'therapy', I'm a big fan of Harriet Lerner and Byron Katie. And as much self-compassion and self-love as you can muster.
posted by Salamandrous at 6:59 AM on July 26, 2011
As far as readable 'therapy', I'm a big fan of Harriet Lerner and Byron Katie. And as much self-compassion and self-love as you can muster.
posted by Salamandrous at 6:59 AM on July 26, 2011
"What do you do when the honest side of you is marred by some really sad shit?"
Get back into therapy and learn ways of dealing with your sad shit that do not involve being irrational and hysterical. Most of us have really sad shit in our lives, past and/or present. Most of us deal with it in ways that do not include hysterics.
"I'm better now, and this outburst was super abnormal."
Well, I hope you are right about that, but given your own description of this year, I am not so sure and I suspect your BF is also unsure of that. You say you have been hormonally fucked up and unhappy most of the time you have seen each other since January. The thing is, there has not been enough time to determine if your internal feeling about being all better is accurate or not. Your recent hysterical behavior suggests not.
Your bf has been terrified that this is the way you deal with your shit. (BTW, if that was the way I dealt with my shit, I would be reluctant to share the real me too.) Is that part of you possible to love? Of course it is. It's likely not the baggage he has a problem with. It is your way of dealing with it. Who wants to sign on for a LTR with a fundamentally unhappy person? I hope you are not a fundamentally unhappy person, but I couldn't blame your BF for worrying that you are.
THERAPY!!!
posted by txmon at 8:36 AM on July 26, 2011 [1 favorite]
Get back into therapy and learn ways of dealing with your sad shit that do not involve being irrational and hysterical. Most of us have really sad shit in our lives, past and/or present. Most of us deal with it in ways that do not include hysterics.
"I'm better now, and this outburst was super abnormal."
Well, I hope you are right about that, but given your own description of this year, I am not so sure and I suspect your BF is also unsure of that. You say you have been hormonally fucked up and unhappy most of the time you have seen each other since January. The thing is, there has not been enough time to determine if your internal feeling about being all better is accurate or not. Your recent hysterical behavior suggests not.
Your bf has been terrified that this is the way you deal with your shit. (BTW, if that was the way I dealt with my shit, I would be reluctant to share the real me too.) Is that part of you possible to love? Of course it is. It's likely not the baggage he has a problem with. It is your way of dealing with it. Who wants to sign on for a LTR with a fundamentally unhappy person? I hope you are not a fundamentally unhappy person, but I couldn't blame your BF for worrying that you are.
THERAPY!!!
posted by txmon at 8:36 AM on July 26, 2011 [1 favorite]
Love is about getting through the hard times together, even when one person is being irritating, irrational, or otherwise unattractive. Your boyfriend seeing an unattractive side of you shouldn't cause him to stop loving you (haven't you ever noticed things about him that leave you nonplussed? You still love him anyway, right?). The fact that he responded by apparently (temporarily?) retracting his love in response to your melt down brings said love into question.
THIS.
As someone else said, love isn't something on 'loan' that can be taken back.
You might have acted badly, irrationally, whatever....but he really really messed up as well and I hope you point this out to him and he realizes that. If he doesn't, then you have a larger problem that you having a meltdown. Good luck.
posted by Windigo at 8:45 AM on July 26, 2011 [2 favorites]
THIS.
As someone else said, love isn't something on 'loan' that can be taken back.
You might have acted badly, irrationally, whatever....but he really really messed up as well and I hope you point this out to him and he realizes that. If he doesn't, then you have a larger problem that you having a meltdown. Good luck.
posted by Windigo at 8:45 AM on July 26, 2011 [2 favorites]
Best answer: I recently had a very similar thing happen: long-term bottling up, sudden explosion - and it was bad! Also, very atypical, in fact I am still reeling, utterly gobsmacked with myself. As is natural, the argument was followed by overwhelming guilt and a weird kind of need to do whatever it takes to retroactively "protect" my partner. It took a while (during which I profusely apologized and accepted everything he threw at me) before I realised that the big mistake was less the blowing up, and more the bottling up, since the blow-up only happened because of the bottling (of course, removing yourself from the situation just before stuff hits the fan is always an option, unless you are somehow stuck. Better say "I need out for an hour or two and come back once your thoughts are clearer and your emotions are under control).
These were the questions I asked myself, and which might be helpful in your situation:
1. Why did I not pipe up right away when something bothered me more than fleetingly? For a lot of people the answer here has to do with insecurities, self-esteem, or worldview (this was my case - I was educated to think of myself last, in a culture where many people get the same kind of education, and it all works out because we all think of each other first).
2. Were the things I had suppressed big things or trivialities? This makes a difference in that, depending on what you are dealing with here, you have two different problems: if the issues you have been silent on are truly big, then it is fear that keeps you from voicing them. If they were small and irrelevant, you are using them as pretexts for something else. You need to figure out what this something else is. I am speculating here, but might it be the case that you are self-bashing about past issues, feel you are worth less because of them, therefore don't open up to him, and then the tension you feel as a consequence leads to the explosion? People can be intensly complicated at times, even to themselves, that is why I think getting an extra hand detangling such issues is a good idea (so yes, therapy).
3. If it is due to fear that you have not voiced them, where does this fear come from? Fear of being accepted? Did something happen in your past suggesting that you have to tread carefully? Where you rejected? Did someone make a comment that wet deep with you (one of the really influential things drom my past was a throw-away comment made by a friend about an unrelated issue, and which I took to be applicable to me. It was devastating, and it still creeps up every now and again). Other line of thought: are there things about your relationship that make you insecure? The things you bottled up, are they such that they make you feel unloved? Is it maybe even fear of yourself, as in, you were afraid you might explode like this earlier had you brought up the problems? etc. etc. I think here too therapy would be of help.
4. Do you recognize your own signs of distress? If you draw a parallel with overtaxing yourself psychologically and overtaxing yourself physically: there are people who ignore all the warning signs their body sends them in an attempt to say "take it easy now, we need to relax and stop doing what we're doing". Instead, they wait until that heart-attack etc. Something similar is going on psychologically as well - do you know what your own signs are that you are beginning to push the edge? Referring back to my own situation: they were there, and I paid no heed.
One last thing which might or might not be relevant: if the issues you are supressing are truly relationship dealbreakers (and only you can know that - I notice you are glossing over how grave these issues are), your explosion might be due to this dissonance you are carrying within you: you have potential dealbreakers that need dealing with, but you love him - that much is clear from your words, and are afraid to deal with the dealbreakers cause they might turn out to be just that. Still, unless you put in a lot of effort (and maybe not even then), they will remain dealbreakers, just bottled up, as you say, and inevitably you will feel resentful - of yourself, of him, of fate who is so cruel. That is one big explosion in the making.
posted by miorita at 12:37 PM on July 26, 2011
These were the questions I asked myself, and which might be helpful in your situation:
1. Why did I not pipe up right away when something bothered me more than fleetingly? For a lot of people the answer here has to do with insecurities, self-esteem, or worldview (this was my case - I was educated to think of myself last, in a culture where many people get the same kind of education, and it all works out because we all think of each other first).
2. Were the things I had suppressed big things or trivialities? This makes a difference in that, depending on what you are dealing with here, you have two different problems: if the issues you have been silent on are truly big, then it is fear that keeps you from voicing them. If they were small and irrelevant, you are using them as pretexts for something else. You need to figure out what this something else is. I am speculating here, but might it be the case that you are self-bashing about past issues, feel you are worth less because of them, therefore don't open up to him, and then the tension you feel as a consequence leads to the explosion? People can be intensly complicated at times, even to themselves, that is why I think getting an extra hand detangling such issues is a good idea (so yes, therapy).
3. If it is due to fear that you have not voiced them, where does this fear come from? Fear of being accepted? Did something happen in your past suggesting that you have to tread carefully? Where you rejected? Did someone make a comment that wet deep with you (one of the really influential things drom my past was a throw-away comment made by a friend about an unrelated issue, and which I took to be applicable to me. It was devastating, and it still creeps up every now and again). Other line of thought: are there things about your relationship that make you insecure? The things you bottled up, are they such that they make you feel unloved? Is it maybe even fear of yourself, as in, you were afraid you might explode like this earlier had you brought up the problems? etc. etc. I think here too therapy would be of help.
4. Do you recognize your own signs of distress? If you draw a parallel with overtaxing yourself psychologically and overtaxing yourself physically: there are people who ignore all the warning signs their body sends them in an attempt to say "take it easy now, we need to relax and stop doing what we're doing". Instead, they wait until that heart-attack etc. Something similar is going on psychologically as well - do you know what your own signs are that you are beginning to push the edge? Referring back to my own situation: they were there, and I paid no heed.
One last thing which might or might not be relevant: if the issues you are supressing are truly relationship dealbreakers (and only you can know that - I notice you are glossing over how grave these issues are), your explosion might be due to this dissonance you are carrying within you: you have potential dealbreakers that need dealing with, but you love him - that much is clear from your words, and are afraid to deal with the dealbreakers cause they might turn out to be just that. Still, unless you put in a lot of effort (and maybe not even then), they will remain dealbreakers, just bottled up, as you say, and inevitably you will feel resentful - of yourself, of him, of fate who is so cruel. That is one big explosion in the making.
posted by miorita at 12:37 PM on July 26, 2011
so worried that these are pieces of baggage he cannot accept or deal with.
Knowing someone has baggage and dealing with it are completely different. Without going into detail, I had an experience similar to your boyfriend and reacted similarly by withholding, follow by a legit breakup a week or so later. Sometimes I think I was wrong to break up with her but ultimately, I wasn't able to deal with her baggage. It wasn't fair for her to involve my emotions in her past issues she had to work through. There was also some overlap between the cause of her breakdown and events in my past that gave an incompatible perspective and also evoked memories of emotional damage in the past. The meltdown changed everything because I saw there was an element of her that was ready to unexpectedly and explosively hurt me badly and that it could not be predicted. Instantly I had different feeling about her because fear entered the mix of feelings and ate them all. Love and fear aren't compatible.
posted by fuq at 9:49 AM on July 28, 2011
Knowing someone has baggage and dealing with it are completely different. Without going into detail, I had an experience similar to your boyfriend and reacted similarly by withholding, follow by a legit breakup a week or so later. Sometimes I think I was wrong to break up with her but ultimately, I wasn't able to deal with her baggage. It wasn't fair for her to involve my emotions in her past issues she had to work through. There was also some overlap between the cause of her breakdown and events in my past that gave an incompatible perspective and also evoked memories of emotional damage in the past. The meltdown changed everything because I saw there was an element of her that was ready to unexpectedly and explosively hurt me badly and that it could not be predicted. Instantly I had different feeling about her because fear entered the mix of feelings and ate them all. Love and fear aren't compatible.
posted by fuq at 9:49 AM on July 28, 2011
This thread is closed to new comments.
This is hard, but you can't make him do or think or feel anything other than he does (and that's a GOOD thing, you don't want to go down the road of manipulation on this). You can be accountable - tell him what you've already learned and what you're going to do to manage the things you know you did wrong - and that's a really powerful thing, to be able to say "I did this" instead of "you/other things made me do this." You can't make him forgive or forget, but you can show willing to handle your own stuff.
I think an important aspect to relationships is being able to recognize that red-zone stuff in each other and be willing to defuse. If that's not something that can happen here, this may not be the relationship for you. Not all of our relationships are built to last long-term, some of them are for discovering yourself.
(Now, is his reaction a dramatic and kind of immature one? Yyyyeah, a little. To me, anyway, but I'm very devoted to a low-drama life and again, accountability. If his reaction to any transgression is to withhold like that...eh, maybe he's got some work to do himself.)
posted by Lyn Never at 6:42 PM on July 25, 2011 [2 favorites]