How to keep my emotions from sabotaging me at work
July 19, 2011 7:07 PM Subscribe
I'm responding to work stress by becoming (secretly) emotional and non-communicative. I can tell that my reaction is out of proportion to the situation - there is a lot of work and not enough bodies, and everyone in my group is overwhelmed - but I still feel very threatened. People get in my face - I act like I don't care, tell them "yeah, that isn't getting done." And after they leave I cry at my desk (again, secretly). How can I be more calm, cool, and effective?
I know I look bad right now. I'm disorganized and easily distracted at the best of times. Despite this I'm seen as one of the strongest person on the team and I've had some pretty good wins. But lately my emotions are severely inhibiting my ability to do what I need to do - stay on top of my responsibilities and clearly communicate upwards. The more scared and upset I feel, the less I do, the more pressure I get, the more scared I feel, the more incredibly overwhelming the mountain of work seems and the harder it becomes to articulate myself, etc etc.
Transference likely plays a role - today one of the managers, a woman, was asking me about something I hadn't done. I felt like a little kid being scolded by my mom for not cleaning my room, and just like I did then I clammed up and acted like I didn't care.
Any thoughts on how I can get and maintain some clarity here? Handle things with my higher-ups in a way that is straightforward and won't make me lose face? Or even to just feel less profoundly threatened? (Yes, I'm on zoloft and seeing a therapist).
I know I look bad right now. I'm disorganized and easily distracted at the best of times. Despite this I'm seen as one of the strongest person on the team and I've had some pretty good wins. But lately my emotions are severely inhibiting my ability to do what I need to do - stay on top of my responsibilities and clearly communicate upwards. The more scared and upset I feel, the less I do, the more pressure I get, the more scared I feel, the more incredibly overwhelming the mountain of work seems and the harder it becomes to articulate myself, etc etc.
Transference likely plays a role - today one of the managers, a woman, was asking me about something I hadn't done. I felt like a little kid being scolded by my mom for not cleaning my room, and just like I did then I clammed up and acted like I didn't care.
Any thoughts on how I can get and maintain some clarity here? Handle things with my higher-ups in a way that is straightforward and won't make me lose face? Or even to just feel less profoundly threatened? (Yes, I'm on zoloft and seeing a therapist).
Response by poster: Strongest *people*, I meant to say.
posted by bunderful at 7:41 PM on July 19, 2011
posted by bunderful at 7:41 PM on July 19, 2011
Best answer: Oh, honey...I feel you. Where I work there are many things to be done, tons of staff cuts, and I'm the only one who knows how to do my job. And I'm a weeper.
On the way to work I practice telling people that I can't get to their project right away, but I should be able to start it ... (tomorrow/next week/Quarter 4). Once I managed to be able to say these things calmly and with a strong, unwavering voice (important!) people began to respect my authority over my own tasklist. This is hard, because I tend to end my sentences on a higher pitch so it sounds like I'm asking permission to not do their project until (whenever.)
Oh, the insurmountable tasklist! I keep a tasklist in Outlook, but print a to-do sheet out every day. This makes me twitch, but our management loves to see things in print. Shared tasklists & calendars don't fly. As I get new tasks through the day, I write them on the bottom of the sheet. As I complete a task, I cross it off. Each morning, I get into work 10 minutes early and update Outlook. Completed tasks get dragged into a folder. Yesterday's task list gets put into a 3 ring binder. Once a month, I print from Outlook the list of tasks I completed last month. That goes in the binder, too. Again, too much paper makes me twitchy, but having a binder documenting every day's accomplishments/tasks empowers me. This binder has become my shield. "Think I can manage my time better? Take a look here and see what I should be putting off. Okay, I can do this for you tomorrow, but you're going to have to do this task for me."
No task is insurmountable when broken into a dozen small pieces, by the way. I'd rather have 12 tasks I can knock off regularly than one task that lingers on the list for weeks or months.
With my calm, professional (and often-rehearsed) voice and my mighty binder of documentation, I've gone from praying people won't come by my desk to being the person who's letting the management know at all times where things stand.
This has cut down on my weeping. When I do feel overwhelmed and weepy, I leave my desk. I stand outside for a few minutes or stroll around the office. If I feel like someone is scolding me while at my desk, I slowly stand up. Being on the same eye level helps me not feel like a kid. And I use my calm voice to reassure that I'm doing the best I can with what I've got.
This hasn't eliminated all the stress that we have at work, but it works for me. I'm sleeping better.
I wish you the best. It's nutty out there.
posted by ladygypsy at 7:47 PM on July 19, 2011 [16 favorites]
On the way to work I practice telling people that I can't get to their project right away, but I should be able to start it ... (tomorrow/next week/Quarter 4). Once I managed to be able to say these things calmly and with a strong, unwavering voice (important!) people began to respect my authority over my own tasklist. This is hard, because I tend to end my sentences on a higher pitch so it sounds like I'm asking permission to not do their project until (whenever.)
Oh, the insurmountable tasklist! I keep a tasklist in Outlook, but print a to-do sheet out every day. This makes me twitch, but our management loves to see things in print. Shared tasklists & calendars don't fly. As I get new tasks through the day, I write them on the bottom of the sheet. As I complete a task, I cross it off. Each morning, I get into work 10 minutes early and update Outlook. Completed tasks get dragged into a folder. Yesterday's task list gets put into a 3 ring binder. Once a month, I print from Outlook the list of tasks I completed last month. That goes in the binder, too. Again, too much paper makes me twitchy, but having a binder documenting every day's accomplishments/tasks empowers me. This binder has become my shield. "Think I can manage my time better? Take a look here and see what I should be putting off. Okay, I can do this for you tomorrow, but you're going to have to do this task for me."
No task is insurmountable when broken into a dozen small pieces, by the way. I'd rather have 12 tasks I can knock off regularly than one task that lingers on the list for weeks or months.
With my calm, professional (and often-rehearsed) voice and my mighty binder of documentation, I've gone from praying people won't come by my desk to being the person who's letting the management know at all times where things stand.
This has cut down on my weeping. When I do feel overwhelmed and weepy, I leave my desk. I stand outside for a few minutes or stroll around the office. If I feel like someone is scolding me while at my desk, I slowly stand up. Being on the same eye level helps me not feel like a kid. And I use my calm voice to reassure that I'm doing the best I can with what I've got.
This hasn't eliminated all the stress that we have at work, but it works for me. I'm sleeping better.
I wish you the best. It's nutty out there.
posted by ladygypsy at 7:47 PM on July 19, 2011 [16 favorites]
ladygypsy has it right - keep track of what you are doing and what you are being asked to do. When you are constantly getting requests throughout the day that add to your to-do list, it feels impossible to keep track of what you need to do while still getting shit done.
Communicate with your supervisor if there are things that you just can't get done before that thing is due. If you have a growing to-do list without time or resources to get everything done, sit down with your supervisor and ask him/her to prioritize. It will help you to avoid the situations where you feel like you are being scolded, because you supervisor will understand what you have on your plate.
One thing that really helped me was getting in 1 hour early 2 days a week (Monday and Thursday). I was able to shift my hours on those days, so that I had a solid hour of checking things off my list before the interruptions began. If you can't do that, turning off email for an hour once a day or even shutting down chat programs helps too. I am easily distracted too, and this has been super-helpful.
Good luck - I know everyone is being expected to do more with less right now, so you are definitely not alone. If you can, find a friend at work that you can vent to everyday -- there is probably someone in your office that feels the same way and would be happy to chat with you over lunch or an afternoon walk.
posted by elvissa at 8:05 PM on July 19, 2011
Communicate with your supervisor if there are things that you just can't get done before that thing is due. If you have a growing to-do list without time or resources to get everything done, sit down with your supervisor and ask him/her to prioritize. It will help you to avoid the situations where you feel like you are being scolded, because you supervisor will understand what you have on your plate.
One thing that really helped me was getting in 1 hour early 2 days a week (Monday and Thursday). I was able to shift my hours on those days, so that I had a solid hour of checking things off my list before the interruptions began. If you can't do that, turning off email for an hour once a day or even shutting down chat programs helps too. I am easily distracted too, and this has been super-helpful.
Good luck - I know everyone is being expected to do more with less right now, so you are definitely not alone. If you can, find a friend at work that you can vent to everyday -- there is probably someone in your office that feels the same way and would be happy to chat with you over lunch or an afternoon walk.
posted by elvissa at 8:05 PM on July 19, 2011
I think some kind of internal ticketing system would do wonders in your organization (heck even making use of outlook's tasks and calendar would be a good start).
It sounds to me like there isn't much cohesiveness in the team...they sense each other is busy, but have no real way of quantifying it without abruptive office visits and verbially issued requests. The tone seems to be set by gut feelings rather than concrete data.
Defer all that crap to Outlook or a ticketing system (plenty of free ones out there..talk to your favorite IT guru about them). Get everyone on board with adopting it...and prioritize your work collectively and fairly. You want those requests coming from them in writing this way...and they end up on the priority stack...first in first out, unless it's special circumstances. You'll find peace of mind trusting the program to help you decide what's next.
Most importantly though, there's another level of workplace zen being able to see what's in other coworkers plates and vice-versa.
posted by samsara at 8:51 PM on July 19, 2011
It sounds to me like there isn't much cohesiveness in the team...they sense each other is busy, but have no real way of quantifying it without abruptive office visits and verbially issued requests. The tone seems to be set by gut feelings rather than concrete data.
Defer all that crap to Outlook or a ticketing system (plenty of free ones out there..talk to your favorite IT guru about them). Get everyone on board with adopting it...and prioritize your work collectively and fairly. You want those requests coming from them in writing this way...and they end up on the priority stack...first in first out, unless it's special circumstances. You'll find peace of mind trusting the program to help you decide what's next.
Most importantly though, there's another level of workplace zen being able to see what's in other coworkers plates and vice-versa.
posted by samsara at 8:51 PM on July 19, 2011
Response by poster: Thanks, everyone - I appreciate the advice. I'm going to try implementing some of these today.
posted by bunderful at 4:22 AM on July 20, 2011
posted by bunderful at 4:22 AM on July 20, 2011
No advice, just sympathy.
I keep about 3 to-do lists going at all times, and am learning to let things go that can't be accomplished. I have a 3-part notebook for to-dos, and roughly divide the sections between daily tasks/phone calls, group tasks/meetings, and special projects. I've also learned to say to my higher-ups, "I'd love to do this, but there is no way I can do so with the current staffing and budget." I try not to say it often, but sometimes it's necessary.
Other than that I listen to music on my commute, often loud enough to be deafening.
posted by hms71 at 12:21 PM on July 20, 2011
I keep about 3 to-do lists going at all times, and am learning to let things go that can't be accomplished. I have a 3-part notebook for to-dos, and roughly divide the sections between daily tasks/phone calls, group tasks/meetings, and special projects. I've also learned to say to my higher-ups, "I'd love to do this, but there is no way I can do so with the current staffing and budget." I try not to say it often, but sometimes it's necessary.
Other than that I listen to music on my commute, often loud enough to be deafening.
posted by hms71 at 12:21 PM on July 20, 2011
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Other than that, leave work at work and don't think about it after you leave the office. Live a balanced life and these things won't get under your skin quite as much.
posted by TheBones at 7:12 PM on July 19, 2011 [1 favorite]