Where do I start?
July 18, 2011 9:42 AM Subscribe
I am a 28yo female feeling overwhelmed by some significant life changes. I am just over 2 months sober. My current employment contract (for a great job that I love, in a very competitive field) ends in December and there is a good chance the position will be made redundant. And 2 days ago I broke up with my live-in partner of 4 years, as despite the fact that I care about him deeply, we don't communicate that well and I feel doubts about committing to a long-term relationship with him.
While I am now living in a separate area of the house, and things are amicable, he has depression and I worry that me remaining here is unfair and not allowing him to heal. When I think about all the things I have to do, I feel exhausted and fearful and just don't know where to start. I suppose the answer is, look for jobs, look for a new apartment, and try to stay sober... all at the same time. But I'm procrastinating about everything.
Each time I contemplate a possible new job or living situation, I am overwhelmed by the risk of it going wrong. I particularly want to live in a safe, calm, quiet place, as I feel that conflict or craziness will just seriously screw with my head right now. But finding a good flatmate is such a gamble. I have thoughts of fleeing town and starting over somewhere else, but I would have no savings and even less of a support network. Most of our friends are couples with well-established households of their own and no room for couchsurfers.
Is it unfair to my ex for me to stay where I am for the time being? At least I feel safe with him (as he is kind, caring, and doesn't drink) albeit somewhat dependent. What should my priorities be, in terms of the different issues I am facing? Without drinking, everything seems 100 times more worrying and I just can't escape the mental noise of all the decisions to be made. Plus, I am sad about my breakup (although not as sad as I thought - I was feeling kind of lonely and empty while with him, anyway) and seeing my partner in this depressed state worries me. What, if anything, can I do to help him too? I feel like as we are both miserable and at crossroads at the moment, that we should almost just stay together to help each other through with it.
Would couples counselling help? I can't tell if I'm making good decisions right now.
I have an appointment with a good therapist in a few weeks time, but please - any practical tips for where to go from here would be much appreciated.
While I am now living in a separate area of the house, and things are amicable, he has depression and I worry that me remaining here is unfair and not allowing him to heal. When I think about all the things I have to do, I feel exhausted and fearful and just don't know where to start. I suppose the answer is, look for jobs, look for a new apartment, and try to stay sober... all at the same time. But I'm procrastinating about everything.
Each time I contemplate a possible new job or living situation, I am overwhelmed by the risk of it going wrong. I particularly want to live in a safe, calm, quiet place, as I feel that conflict or craziness will just seriously screw with my head right now. But finding a good flatmate is such a gamble. I have thoughts of fleeing town and starting over somewhere else, but I would have no savings and even less of a support network. Most of our friends are couples with well-established households of their own and no room for couchsurfers.
Is it unfair to my ex for me to stay where I am for the time being? At least I feel safe with him (as he is kind, caring, and doesn't drink) albeit somewhat dependent. What should my priorities be, in terms of the different issues I am facing? Without drinking, everything seems 100 times more worrying and I just can't escape the mental noise of all the decisions to be made. Plus, I am sad about my breakup (although not as sad as I thought - I was feeling kind of lonely and empty while with him, anyway) and seeing my partner in this depressed state worries me. What, if anything, can I do to help him too? I feel like as we are both miserable and at crossroads at the moment, that we should almost just stay together to help each other through with it.
Would couples counselling help? I can't tell if I'm making good decisions right now.
I have an appointment with a good therapist in a few weeks time, but please - any practical tips for where to go from here would be much appreciated.
Yes, a sponsor in a 12-step program can be very helpful.
Good luck.
posted by Echidna882003 at 9:57 AM on July 18, 2011 [2 favorites]
Good luck.
posted by Echidna882003 at 9:57 AM on July 18, 2011 [2 favorites]
Wow -- you have so much on your plate now. Be gentle with yourself here and make decisions that give you the most space, time, and calm.
1. Are you going to AA or another group? If you are -- keep going. If not, I would find one. You can go to a meeting today, tomorrow, and the next day while you wait for the therapist appt.
2. Think about what -you- want and need in terms of the living situation. You don't say if you rent or own, whose name the property is in, etc. You need to be respectful and decent to your ex, and aware of the legal and financial issues, but it's kind of his job to say if the arrangement is no good for him. Trying to read his mind about if he's unhappy or not is not a good solution. If it stresses you out though, make plans to go.
3. Your coupled friends may be more help than you realize right now. Have you told any of them what's going on? While they may not have room for you to stay with them, maybe they know of nearby room for rent or something.
You can this. Make small decisions. One each day.
Like going to a meeting today.
posted by pantarei70 at 9:57 AM on July 18, 2011 [1 favorite]
1. Are you going to AA or another group? If you are -- keep going. If not, I would find one. You can go to a meeting today, tomorrow, and the next day while you wait for the therapist appt.
2. Think about what -you- want and need in terms of the living situation. You don't say if you rent or own, whose name the property is in, etc. You need to be respectful and decent to your ex, and aware of the legal and financial issues, but it's kind of his job to say if the arrangement is no good for him. Trying to read his mind about if he's unhappy or not is not a good solution. If it stresses you out though, make plans to go.
3. Your coupled friends may be more help than you realize right now. Have you told any of them what's going on? While they may not have room for you to stay with them, maybe they know of nearby room for rent or something.
You can this. Make small decisions. One each day.
Like going to a meeting today.
posted by pantarei70 at 9:57 AM on July 18, 2011 [1 favorite]
Each time I contemplate a possible new job or living situation, I am overwhelmed by the risk of it going wrong.
So stop contemplating it. There! Problem solved.
Your priority right now, today, this minute, is simple. Slow down. I mean really slooooooooow dooooooooown.
You know what all that mental noise is REALLY screaming at you? That mental noise is yelling, "HAVE A DRINK HAVE A DRINK HAVE A DRINK HAVE A DRINK".
Your own brain is trying to sabotage you! It's trying to get you so stressed and overwhelmed and anxious and sad that the only thing that will shut it up is booze.
Tell your brain this: "Fuck you, brain! I'm going to go to one of those loser AA meetings and mope around with a bunch of sober losers and chat about being a total loser BECAUSE I DON'T BELIEVE A THING YOU'RE TELLING ME."
Go to a meeting. Take a walk. Eat a Delicious Sandwich. Go to another meeting. Then go to another meeting. It sucks and its lame and the people are stupid and you hate it. Fuck you. Go to another meeting. This is pointless and I'm wasting my time and I need to be doing XYZ. Fuck you. Go to a meeting. I don't have the time to waste in these endless dreary meetings filled with whiners and bad coffee and fuck you go to another meeting.
Don't listen to your brain. Don't borrow trouble. Don't try to fix the future -- you haven't broken it!
posted by BitterOldPunk at 10:02 AM on July 18, 2011 [13 favorites]
So stop contemplating it. There! Problem solved.
Your priority right now, today, this minute, is simple. Slow down. I mean really slooooooooow dooooooooown.
You know what all that mental noise is REALLY screaming at you? That mental noise is yelling, "HAVE A DRINK HAVE A DRINK HAVE A DRINK HAVE A DRINK".
Your own brain is trying to sabotage you! It's trying to get you so stressed and overwhelmed and anxious and sad that the only thing that will shut it up is booze.
Tell your brain this: "Fuck you, brain! I'm going to go to one of those loser AA meetings and mope around with a bunch of sober losers and chat about being a total loser BECAUSE I DON'T BELIEVE A THING YOU'RE TELLING ME."
Go to a meeting. Take a walk. Eat a Delicious Sandwich. Go to another meeting. Then go to another meeting. It sucks and its lame and the people are stupid and you hate it. Fuck you. Go to another meeting. This is pointless and I'm wasting my time and I need to be doing XYZ. Fuck you. Go to a meeting. I don't have the time to waste in these endless dreary meetings filled with whiners and bad coffee and fuck you go to another meeting.
Don't listen to your brain. Don't borrow trouble. Don't try to fix the future -- you haven't broken it!
posted by BitterOldPunk at 10:02 AM on July 18, 2011 [13 favorites]
(um, all that profanity was intended to be read in the voice of you talking to your brain, not me talking to you. Heh. Oops.)
posted by BitterOldPunk at 10:08 AM on July 18, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by BitterOldPunk at 10:08 AM on July 18, 2011 [1 favorite]
Can you find a place to live in a sober house? I have a friend living in one for the summer who's had nothing but good things to say about it - and she's there for the short-term housing benefits even more than for the drug & alcohol-free atmosphere.
posted by deludingmyself at 10:10 AM on July 18, 2011
posted by deludingmyself at 10:10 AM on July 18, 2011
Maybe it would be helpful to try to find a less-dangerous substitute for drinking, in terms of something that helps you deal with the worry? Yoga, meditation, vigorous physical activity, folding paper cranes, or some customized little personal ritual you can perform to find stillness in? This sort of thing has never really worked for me (so far) but over the years as I've tried these sorts of things it's made more and more sense to me that if I could master calming myself down and relaxing in some fashion like this, I might be able to achieve some measure of the effect that pharmaceuticals can have for managing my mood.
Good luck, don't give up, and remember that people love you.
posted by XMLicious at 10:13 AM on July 18, 2011
Good luck, don't give up, and remember that people love you.
posted by XMLicious at 10:13 AM on July 18, 2011
Yes, a sponsor in a 12-step program can be very helpful.
Good luck.
Echidna882003 has a good idea, but I'll expand it: a sponsr or multiple sponsors outside of a program can be very helpful, too. Inside such a program, they already know their duties, more or less, but if you aren't in a program, and don't want to join one for whatever reason, at least pick one or two close friends, level 100% with them about your issues, get their permission to call them anytime (at work, middle of the night...), and USE THOSE LIFELINES.
If you aren't vehemently opposed to a program, join one. As an atheist, I still found them useful, despite their religiosity.
posted by IAmBroom at 10:17 AM on July 18, 2011
Good luck.
Echidna882003 has a good idea, but I'll expand it: a sponsr or multiple sponsors outside of a program can be very helpful, too. Inside such a program, they already know their duties, more or less, but if you aren't in a program, and don't want to join one for whatever reason, at least pick one or two close friends, level 100% with them about your issues, get their permission to call them anytime (at work, middle of the night...), and USE THOSE LIFELINES.
If you aren't vehemently opposed to a program, join one. As an atheist, I still found them useful, despite their religiosity.
posted by IAmBroom at 10:17 AM on July 18, 2011
AA also has hotlines available to help people find meetings and if you get a kind person on the phone they may help you sort out some of this. If AA does work for you this is what I would tell you, you don't need a job right now--you have one, don't drink and let that fear go....you have a place to live, you may need to move in the future, but not right now...let that fear go...don't drink and be very gentle with yourself and your ex.
I have always found that I make better plans when I work through my fears and then look at the situation rather than over reacting.
Good luck to you. I will be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.
posted by cairnoflore at 10:25 AM on July 18, 2011
I have always found that I make better plans when I work through my fears and then look at the situation rather than over reacting.
Good luck to you. I will be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.
posted by cairnoflore at 10:25 AM on July 18, 2011
On preview, I will add my voice to others suggesting going to a meeting today. 90 meetings in 90 days worked really well for my mother.
I am overwhelmed by the risk of it going wrong.
Stuff *will* go wrong sometimes. But you can handle it. This is simple to say but it's going to take lots of work to really be able to believe it and operate on it, and sometimes you will do it better than other times. You've been escaping for so long that you don't know how to trust yourself to handle things, so that ends up making everything much more stressful than it already is.
This is why 12-step programs stress taking things "one day at a time." It takes a long time to understand what that means, because it sounds so much like the way you lived before--seat of your pants, impulsive, heedless of future consequences. But it means that you allow yourself to plan for the future by making good choices today.
I suppose the answer is, look for jobs, look for a new apartment, and try to stay sober... all at the same time.
That *would* be exhausting!! Also impossible. You can only do one thing at a time. Probably the thing you have to do most constantly, right now, is not use drugs or alcohol--and even that you have to do one day at a time, maybe even one minute at a time.
You have until December to acquire a new job. It'll come fast, but it still many days away. There are many little steps that you will make between now and then to get the job that you will have then. You will look back months from now and see how much progress you were making even now, but right now you must do the slow, little steps.
I'm the adult child of two drug addicts and alcoholics, so I probably am not as good as some of the rest of the people in this thread at truly empathizing with what you're going through. But I'll tell you what my momma would say, in her deep Southern drawl: "Save tomorrow for tomorrow; don't you go borrowing trouble."
posted by Made of Star Stuff at 10:26 AM on July 18, 2011
I am overwhelmed by the risk of it going wrong.
Stuff *will* go wrong sometimes. But you can handle it. This is simple to say but it's going to take lots of work to really be able to believe it and operate on it, and sometimes you will do it better than other times. You've been escaping for so long that you don't know how to trust yourself to handle things, so that ends up making everything much more stressful than it already is.
This is why 12-step programs stress taking things "one day at a time." It takes a long time to understand what that means, because it sounds so much like the way you lived before--seat of your pants, impulsive, heedless of future consequences. But it means that you allow yourself to plan for the future by making good choices today.
I suppose the answer is, look for jobs, look for a new apartment, and try to stay sober... all at the same time.
That *would* be exhausting!! Also impossible. You can only do one thing at a time. Probably the thing you have to do most constantly, right now, is not use drugs or alcohol--and even that you have to do one day at a time, maybe even one minute at a time.
You have until December to acquire a new job. It'll come fast, but it still many days away. There are many little steps that you will make between now and then to get the job that you will have then. You will look back months from now and see how much progress you were making even now, but right now you must do the slow, little steps.
I'm the adult child of two drug addicts and alcoholics, so I probably am not as good as some of the rest of the people in this thread at truly empathizing with what you're going through. But I'll tell you what my momma would say, in her deep Southern drawl: "Save tomorrow for tomorrow; don't you go borrowing trouble."
posted by Made of Star Stuff at 10:26 AM on July 18, 2011
Aww, you sound like you are trying to make healthy decisions at a very difficult time, that is awesome! As a recovering alcoholic I tend to be destructive, and have to work very hard to "practice good self care" (that's what my therapist calls it).
I want to second the sober living suggestion. It can be a good temporary option, you will be surrounded by others trying to get sober, and you can just put your stuff in storage or whatever for a little while. Warning: there is a WIDE range of quality among sober living homes. If you go to meetings, ask around for a recommendation, otherwise take a tour and talk to the women who live there. Some sober livings are more like dope dens...
The main stuff I try to remember (even though it all sounds cliche) is to focus on one day at a time, one hour at a time, sometimes on minute at a time. Some days (especially when I'm feeling overwhelmed and exhausted like you're talking about) my goals become the basics- wake up and get to work ontime, drink water, don't skip meals, ignore the negative thoughts my brain tries to trick me with. Find a meeting, call a good friend or a sponsor, make my bed. If I can take care of the basics on those overwhelming days, I can tackle larger issues on days when I have more energy.
Feel free to memail me and let me know where you're located and I might be able to help you find local resources if you are interested. Just remember to be kind to yourself!!
posted by thankyouforyourconsideration at 11:04 AM on July 18, 2011 [1 favorite]
I want to second the sober living suggestion. It can be a good temporary option, you will be surrounded by others trying to get sober, and you can just put your stuff in storage or whatever for a little while. Warning: there is a WIDE range of quality among sober living homes. If you go to meetings, ask around for a recommendation, otherwise take a tour and talk to the women who live there. Some sober livings are more like dope dens...
The main stuff I try to remember (even though it all sounds cliche) is to focus on one day at a time, one hour at a time, sometimes on minute at a time. Some days (especially when I'm feeling overwhelmed and exhausted like you're talking about) my goals become the basics- wake up and get to work ontime, drink water, don't skip meals, ignore the negative thoughts my brain tries to trick me with. Find a meeting, call a good friend or a sponsor, make my bed. If I can take care of the basics on those overwhelming days, I can tackle larger issues on days when I have more energy.
Feel free to memail me and let me know where you're located and I might be able to help you find local resources if you are interested. Just remember to be kind to yourself!!
posted by thankyouforyourconsideration at 11:04 AM on July 18, 2011 [1 favorite]
It sounds like you're overwhelmed by the enormity of the tasks in front of you. I don't blame you! They sound very big and intimidating. But you don't have to do them all at once - they're made up of smaller, more manageable tasks. Here's what you do:
Write down everything you know you need to do in the next month - find a new job, move out, etc. Scary list, right? Let's make it less scary. Go through the list and identify any tasks that can't be done, right this second, and accomplished in about an hour. These tasks are two big. Can you break them up? For example, "move out" is two tasks - "find a new place" and "move my stuff into that new place." But those are still too big. So keep dividing. "Find a new place" involves "contact a broker" or "do a cragislist search" or "post on facebook that I'm looking for an apartment." Eventually, your to-do list will contain nothing but elements that can be taken care of right away, and then it's just a matter of picking one and doing it. Once you have your list of small items, you can do one every time you start freaking out - it will make you feel better.
One final note - items that can't be broken up, like "figure out my life" should just be eliminated. And "stay sober" can always be broken into a series of "stay sober this minute" items.
Good luck!
posted by Ragged Richard at 12:10 PM on July 18, 2011 [1 favorite]
Write down everything you know you need to do in the next month - find a new job, move out, etc. Scary list, right? Let's make it less scary. Go through the list and identify any tasks that can't be done, right this second, and accomplished in about an hour. These tasks are two big. Can you break them up? For example, "move out" is two tasks - "find a new place" and "move my stuff into that new place." But those are still too big. So keep dividing. "Find a new place" involves "contact a broker" or "do a cragislist search" or "post on facebook that I'm looking for an apartment." Eventually, your to-do list will contain nothing but elements that can be taken care of right away, and then it's just a matter of picking one and doing it. Once you have your list of small items, you can do one every time you start freaking out - it will make you feel better.
One final note - items that can't be broken up, like "figure out my life" should just be eliminated. And "stay sober" can always be broken into a series of "stay sober this minute" items.
Good luck!
posted by Ragged Richard at 12:10 PM on July 18, 2011 [1 favorite]
You are my good friend! Not literally, but last summer a friend of mine went through a very similar stormy period involving serious job problems, family problems, bankruptcy, serious health issues and getting sober. Every day he would call me and freak out, for about three months. Then the bad days were every two weeks. He has now been sober for a year and literally everything has turned around, last time he called me it had been awhile since we had spoken and now everything was ok, he's even helped other people get sober from his past life. So, AA aside, here's what worked for him:
1. He found someone (me) who would answer his phone calls no matter what and who would challenge his negative thoughts with positive thoughts. (It's going to be hard for your ex to be this person because being depressed isn't great for being able to be blindly optimistic. It may end up being your therapist, but honestly it's better to find someone in addition to the therapist who can be on call and who doesn't have the kind of professional boundaries therapy brings. Like someone who can give you a hug). For some people, a sponsor works. In our case, it was a long lost friend. I actually met two guys who met in a court ordered domestic violence program who were each others sober support system. Whatever works. I think it's helpful if the person knows a bit or is willing to learn about both substance abuse and sobriety.
2. All of them went on a 'search', either through yoga or religion or learning guitar. The search was whatever activity made them feel peaceful. They were zealous about stuff. My friend got really, really into growing plants in his apartment. Take even a small part of the money you used to spend on your addictive behavior and test stuff out. When he started to panic about life, he would pay attention to the plants for awhile.
3. Recognize the anxiety you are going through is really, really normal for people getting sober. If it helps you, read up on the changes your brain goes through as a result of substance abuse and how it heals over time. A lot of what is going on right now, I promise, is physiology that no matter what you are doing will be hard to control, so...
4. Take control by putting order to chaos. The first, number one most important thing to do every day is whatever is keeping you sober. No matter what, do that, and let that be enough. Next, make yourself comfortable, first by some small act of self love by lighting candles at night or taking long baths or putting on peaceful music. Next, tell yourself that you will go look at a couple of apartments this weekend and do that. Tell yourself you are under no real obligation to make a drastic change - especially if your ex is not bringing substances in the house. With respect to your job, tell yourself that you don't actually know what is going to happen and that December is not right now. If you have trouble telling yourself this, find someone to say these things to you when you start to panic. Make the lists people talk about above if it helps you stop the panic.
5. Drop out of your past life, for now, with impunity. A lot of people getting sober have to put certain relationships on pause while they figure out what their sober life is going to look like, it doesn't make you a bad person and you are not jumping ship. If your partner needs to process, there are support systems for him (ex Al-Anon).
Really, seriously, good luck.
posted by skermunkil at 1:08 PM on July 18, 2011 [1 favorite]
1. He found someone (me) who would answer his phone calls no matter what and who would challenge his negative thoughts with positive thoughts. (It's going to be hard for your ex to be this person because being depressed isn't great for being able to be blindly optimistic. It may end up being your therapist, but honestly it's better to find someone in addition to the therapist who can be on call and who doesn't have the kind of professional boundaries therapy brings. Like someone who can give you a hug). For some people, a sponsor works. In our case, it was a long lost friend. I actually met two guys who met in a court ordered domestic violence program who were each others sober support system. Whatever works. I think it's helpful if the person knows a bit or is willing to learn about both substance abuse and sobriety.
2. All of them went on a 'search', either through yoga or religion or learning guitar. The search was whatever activity made them feel peaceful. They were zealous about stuff. My friend got really, really into growing plants in his apartment. Take even a small part of the money you used to spend on your addictive behavior and test stuff out. When he started to panic about life, he would pay attention to the plants for awhile.
3. Recognize the anxiety you are going through is really, really normal for people getting sober. If it helps you, read up on the changes your brain goes through as a result of substance abuse and how it heals over time. A lot of what is going on right now, I promise, is physiology that no matter what you are doing will be hard to control, so...
4. Take control by putting order to chaos. The first, number one most important thing to do every day is whatever is keeping you sober. No matter what, do that, and let that be enough. Next, make yourself comfortable, first by some small act of self love by lighting candles at night or taking long baths or putting on peaceful music. Next, tell yourself that you will go look at a couple of apartments this weekend and do that. Tell yourself you are under no real obligation to make a drastic change - especially if your ex is not bringing substances in the house. With respect to your job, tell yourself that you don't actually know what is going to happen and that December is not right now. If you have trouble telling yourself this, find someone to say these things to you when you start to panic. Make the lists people talk about above if it helps you stop the panic.
5. Drop out of your past life, for now, with impunity. A lot of people getting sober have to put certain relationships on pause while they figure out what their sober life is going to look like, it doesn't make you a bad person and you are not jumping ship. If your partner needs to process, there are support systems for him (ex Al-Anon).
Really, seriously, good luck.
posted by skermunkil at 1:08 PM on July 18, 2011 [1 favorite]
- I like the idea of a sober living situation. You need to get away from your depressed ex BF, asap.
- No to couples counseling! You have broken up!!! You need to move out, instead.
- December is 802 million years away. Move out, get situated, then look for a job. You should be living in New Place by August 15th, and earnestly job hunting by September 1st.
That is all.
(Except maybe go to meetings, too? Either way - just move out already!)
posted by jbenben at 1:49 PM on July 18, 2011 [1 favorite]
- No to couples counseling! You have broken up!!! You need to move out, instead.
- December is 802 million years away. Move out, get situated, then look for a job. You should be living in New Place by August 15th, and earnestly job hunting by September 1st.
That is all.
(Except maybe go to meetings, too? Either way - just move out already!)
posted by jbenben at 1:49 PM on July 18, 2011 [1 favorite]
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