How to help out a depressed brother?

July 7, 2011 10:09 PM

My brother gets depressed. He's been looking for a job for over a year with no luck. Aside from getting him a job, how can I help him?

He's bad at selling himself and whenever he gets a rejection it takes him a long time to recover emotionally. I've actually set up some interviews for him but they never panned out.

He has a history of depression.

The main issue as I see it is that he doesn't have the resilience necessary to go through the application process, especially in the current economy. Instead of quickly picking himself up and sending out more resumes, he pulls back, ensuring that he won't even be considered. I think he's been getting better, but I'd like to know if there's anything else worth doing.

My parents also have a tendency to get very involved with him. My mom is very controlling and dominating and he reacts very poorly to her. My dad used to always worry and then offer what help he could but he finally decided that this was coddling and did not help.

Any advice?

posted by cman to Human Relations (8 answers total)

Based on what you've said here, your brother sounds like me from a few years back. The best thing I ever did for myself was get my depression/anxiety under control, which made me more resilient, personable, etc. I tried a lot of different things for a very long time before finally deciding to get medication to help me control these symptoms. Even that took a while (a few years), but boy was it worth it. If those things are your brother's main problems, I would offer that he isn't going to make much progress until he gets them under control. I have no idea how interested in medication you or he would be, but I did find that medication was the best and easiest way for me to control my own symptoms (again, once the right medication was found, which took some time).
posted by Ephilation at 10:23 PM on July 7, 2011

Maybe you ask him to join you in an exercise routine? Or join a soft ball team?

Exercise is frequently cited as a means of controlling depression. Even better if it can be paired with a goal like running a marathon or doing a triathlon or being able to bench press 200lbs.

If you can share a goal it you can give encouragement along the way, and you can phrase it in a way that dodges his sense of self worth.

"Hey brother, I want to do this (marathon or charity bike ride) and I could really use a training partner. Let's start jogging together 3 times a week."

Something like that, but you can be more creative with your goals or customize them to your shared interests. Then having accomplished a goal, when he gets down on himself you can say "You shouldn't get so down on yourself, we ran that marathon together, not everyone can do that!"

TLDR; Shared Routine, Shared Exercise, Shared Goals
posted by j03 at 11:14 PM on July 7, 2011 [2 favorites]

Tell him -- frequently -- that you're there for him. Encourage him to talk, and listen with sympathy. If possible, gently suggest therapy. Keep checking up on him. Let him know he's not alone.
posted by phoenix_rising at 6:42 AM on July 8, 2011

I'd suggest exercise also, but more so because it's something gradual that you can see and feel improvement in right away. Hobbies would be good too for this. Encourage him to work on his own projects, like teaching himself programming or some similarly useful skill that he can delve into. Accomplishing things may boost his self-worth, which sounds pretty low (though not feeling useful or earning money can do that)

Does he still live at home? If so he needs to go out more, anywhere, just to get away from the house and the aforementioned controlling parents.

Does he have a routine? He should develop one if he doesn't. A good routine would incorporate responsibilities, free time, and 'work time' such as doing projects or applying for jobs. I think a problem with being unemployed is all your time just blurs together or feels like endless free time, or worse, free time that you don't want to actually use (and you end up spending hours on tv and internet instead of doing things you actually want to do). From experience, without a routine you will either get up late, or go to sleep late, or spend all day not doing something because you can do it later.

Obviously since you aren't your brother, there's only so much you can do for him. Just keep on pointing him in the right direction, stress that your parents don't decide his life, he does, and help him see what else he could be doing in his life. Of course getting a job is a big part of that, but it's only one thing. It sounds like he has the wrong idea (ie everything in his life would be ok if he just had a job) which is probably cementing his own depressed/anxious or easily rejected behavior in regards to the job searching.
posted by everyday_naturalist at 7:54 AM on July 8, 2011 [2 favorites]

If he's actually depressed, it's unlikely that he'll pick up and join a softball team, learn programming or pound the pavement in search of a job. The depression needs to get treated first, because it makes many "simple" things seem nearly impossible, especially something like a job interview.
posted by allseeingabstract at 12:28 PM on July 8, 2011

Get him to network by inviting him to parties you're invited to, encouraging him to show up for "pick up games" at local community centers (for example, one near us has volleyball games every week; you just show up and play). It might get him some great leads, but it likely won't - that's a long shot. What it WILL do is be a huge boost for his self confidence, and encourage him to be more ambitious, positive, and interactive.

I wish you and him very very very good luck!
posted by carlh at 10:37 AM on July 9, 2011

Well if you can narrow down his depression to a cause, which might be his social life, girls? Talk to him about that and don't even pay attention to jobs. It might be the hangup..
posted by Like its 1997 at 10:19 PM on July 9, 2011

This might be a small thing but when I was depressed I was in no mood to clean and was wallowing in a state of near-filth. Sometimes I was hyper and clean like mad, but after those rare spurts I always fell back into a sluggish, lazy mode. If you or someone else could come over to his place maybe once a week (or once a month if weekly is too coddling) then a shiny empty sink, clean fresh sheets, and generally a well-ventilated, sunlit, dust-free living space could help him feel less down in the dumps. Maybe even lavender scented room spray! Or a more stimulating scent. You could even do the cleaning together, to get him up and moving and sweating, like the exercise buddy idea above.

I think I'd have appreciated a clean room more than people urging/forcing me to go out and meet people all the time.
posted by pimli at 2:36 AM on July 10, 2011