Sexually to Men, Emotionally to women.
July 7, 2011 12:31 PM   Subscribe

Sexually attracted to men, emotionally attracted to women. My sexual orientation? I don't know. Lots of detail. I need support. Help me.

I know something was different about me at the start of my freshmen year of high-school. There were always certain guys that have just stuck out that I wanted. I'm deathly scared about coming out. When I muster up the courage to come out, I don't know what I should come out as. Should I say I'm gay or bi? Is sexual attraction the core of a relationship? Read:

One side tells me that I'm gay. I haven't come across a single girl that I've wanted to fuck. I've looked at girls and thought they were smoking hot, but its completely based on how they look. Whatever urge strait guys experience is not here. But that's where emotionally attraction comes into play. I like the dating game. I haven't dated that much. Only a handful or girls, mostly because I'm picky, or maybe because I don't like being the assertive one. To me, hugging is great. Holding hands? w/e. Kissing? No urge/avoid. Beyond that? Never. One way for me to look at it is I like girls as friends. But I want from guys what girls don't have. If I came out as a gay, Its not like a door shuts on being friends with girls. A lot of girls I know like to hang out with gays. That's where I would fit right in, strong friendship but nothing beyond that. Its not like taking girls to dances is weird either, they know your not going to get in their pants.

Another side of me says bi. One thing to point out is how I'm sexually attraction to guys. With some, I want to be with them, me and them. Some other guys, I'm sexually attracted as if I was a chick. I would get aroused thinking about how I want them in my nonexistent vag. Its just how it plays out in my head. To do pitcher/catcher with this set of guys is just weird, I don't see them like that. I don't want a sex change or anything, its just an unsatisfiable urge that I'm just going to have to live with. Also, I think bisexual because I keep thinking about the future. I'm so unsure about a relationship with another guy. I just don't know how it would fly. Saying that I'm bisexual holds on to a thread for a serious relationship a girl. But I have a feeling that that thread is tied to nothing. Also, going from bi to gay is down the same path. Going from gay back up to bi and pulling a big "ohhh just kiddinggg" Would show I'm freakishly confused with myself. But then again, how can go into a relationship with a girl when I don't have a sexual attraction to them? That's just cruel. If I don't want to go anywhere near 1st base, I might as well not even bother to enter such a relationship.

So the first part to this is, gay or bi? Is there even a point to saying I'm bi because there is zero sexual attraction to the opposite sex? My emotional attraction is great for strong friendships. Because that is all I want from chicks. As for guys and my sexual urges, that's what I have now, do you think the urge for a relationship will follow?

Now the hard part. Doing it. I'm...terrified...I'm so scared what can happen. I think what I'm most afraid about is the fact that I can't turn around after doing it. Point of no return stuff. I tell one person. News would spread. I would probably get people asking me all the time. "Omg is this for real?" "dude, are you like... attracted to me?" I feeling I would have a hard time fighting through the questions. I would probably lose some friends in the process. I read a lot of coming out stories and a lot of people say its just the way it is. I know a lot of my friends are ok with it or even embrace the idea due to my gay friend who is very accepted. So I feel I don't have much to worry about. The one big plus that pops out about coming out is people would truly understand me. I've given off a gay vibe for a while. A lot of people have flat out asked me if I way gay/bi. It comes along with the right friends, the right atmosphere. It feels right to me. People will know I'm the way I am because I'm gay/bi. Not because I'm some wierdo so something.

Does anyone have the same orientation as me? What did you end up doing about it? I'm looking for your opinion about what I should do, and support. Someone on here is gay/bi. I wan't to hear your story. I'm leaving this anonymous due to a number of people on mefi know me personally, and this is not a coming out post.

Thank you so much, I know mefi won't let me down. <3 <3
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (26 answers total) 13 users marked this as a favorite

How old are you currently?

It sounds to me like you're young, gay and not ready for a serious relationship with another man. It took me until I was 28 to begin to realize that I was almost ready for a serious relationship.

I'm 32 now and if I were you I'd be cautious, patient, then go on a vacation somewhere where I could give in to some of my urges (SAFELY!!!) to see if that helped break through some of the confusion to help me learn and find out who I truly am.
posted by Paalen at 12:44 PM on July 7, 2011

after a lot of years and experiences and soul searching i've decided that for ease of identification, i'm bisexual. i've slept with men and women and enjoyed it. i don't feel the same about men and women, but i also don't feel the same about 2 exboyfriends (or 2 exgirlfriends).

when i identify for myself, i say "i love people, some more than others, and i love my husband most of all." if you wanted to sit and chat for an hour or two, you'd probably realize that emotionally i'm closer to a lesbian (with transsexual leanings) while my external persona is certainly more straight.

have you had sex with any men? have you had a relationship with a man? how far have you gone with women? not that your sexual experiences will automatically make you gay or straight or bi or whatever, but it seems like a lot of your wondering and anxiety comes from untested theories. it seems a little like you're putting the cart before the horse. you're trying to find a definition so you can live in that role. why don't you live as you feel and see later if a term applies?

when people ask you can just say you're the QQ of LGBTQQ (queer/questioning). you know you're not straight as an arrow, you suspect you might not be totally gay (but you might be). there's a lot of gray area in the middle and sometimes "bi" just doesn't really explain the way people feel at their core, even if it's technically correct.
posted by nadawi at 12:47 PM on July 7, 2011 [4 favorites]

Wow, I really didn't expect to read my own story on MeFi...

I'm in pretty much the same situation as you. I'm very sexually attracted to guys, but the emotional aspect just isn't there; instead, I feel emotionally (and romantically, if they aren't the same thing) attracted to girls. When I imagine love--real, deep love--it's always with a girl. And when I ponder sex, it's always with a guy. (I even have the "get aroused thinking about how I want them in my nonexistent vag" issue.)

And, like you, I've dated girls. But since I don't have much interesting in kissing and having sex, it doesn't go too far. But my friendships with girls are pretty strong.

I call myself gay now, because "gay" is a sexual orientation, and I'm sexually attracted to guys. I'm pretty sure that, given time and the right guy, I will find emotional attachment to be quite easy. It's just a question of finding the right environment so that I can safely and slowly navigate these issues.

And so, to answer your question instead of rambling on... give it time. You aren't alone--other people have gone through and are going through the same issue, and I have to believe that you will eventually find your identity (if identity is the right word to use here). Go out on a date with a guy you feel comfortable with, and see how it goes--experience is the key to knowing ourselves.
posted by kethonna at 12:54 PM on July 7, 2011

For another way of looking at this, there's The Klein Grid. But, your sexual orientation isn't a box, it's an adjective. It doesn't define you, you define it. Saying, "I'm hetero/homo/bi/a-sexual" is the start of a conversation for finding the relationships you need.

But, you're not alone, and you might want to look into a finding a local GLBT switchboard to contact, a PFLAG chapter, or a welcoming congregation meeting as a starting point.
posted by KirkJobSluder at 12:58 PM on July 7, 2011

One of my best friends in high school felt very similarly -- physically attracted to guys, emotionally attracted to girls, not sure if he was gay or bi (or just a very, very confused straight guy), and ambivalent (to say the least) about it all.

Now, a couple of decades years later, he identifies strictly as gay and has been in a relationship for 10+ years with the same man. It took him till roughly his mid-20s for his sexual attraction and romantic attachments to both align with men to the same degree. I think he felt a lot of pressure in his teens and early 20s to "pick" his identity (and I probably contributed in one way to that pressure, in a well-meaning teenage way, by insisting he was gay AND THAT IS TOTALLY OK AND I TOTALLY LOVE YOU, MY BEST GAY FRIEND!!!), and looking back now he's glad that he didn't force himself to pick until he was really ready to.
posted by scody at 1:04 PM on July 7, 2011 [3 favorites]

when people ask you can just say you're the QQ of LGBTQQ (queer/questioning). you know you're not straight as an arrow, you suspect you might not be totally gay (but you might be). there's a lot of gray area in the middle and sometimes "bi" just doesn't really explain the way people feel at their core, even if it's technically correct.

That's kind of what I'd suggest, too, if you really need to identify as something. If you have literally no sexual attraction to woman, then my instinct would be to say that you're gay, but how you choose to identify is up to you.

The reality is that most people's sexuality doesn't fall neatly into one category or the other. If we bother to identify ourselves publicly, we tend to pick what makes the most sense.

If you feel like your only two choices are "gay" or "bi," and you're worried that declaring yourself as gay will close doors that you aren't ready to close yet, then call yourself a bisexual man. If you later find that this identity is no longer accurate, that's cool.

If you're willing to live with a bit more ambiguity and "openness," then I'd go with the "QQ" suggestion.
posted by asnider at 1:04 PM on July 7, 2011 [1 favorite]

So if you met a hot male with feminine affect would that please you? That is what works for me. There is a range of affect within the male half of the world. You do not have to accept the gay-male-as-seen-at-the-Eagle as the entire catalog. You get to pick what you want.

However, I would never say never. Your body will find a way to play with other bodies if you let it. Find the attraction, deal with the relatively trivial aspect of plumbing and the more daunting aspect of societal pigeonholing once you have a concrete situation.
posted by jet_silver at 1:13 PM on July 7, 2011 [3 favorites]

You don't have to come out by saying "Hey, I'm gay" (or bi).

You can say "Hey, that guy is hot" or "let's watch the Bond film, we can both drool over Daniel Craig" or "I want to ask Dave out but I am so nervous, tell me it will be fine!".

You don't have to pick between being a GAY DUDE or a BI DUDE. You can be a guy who currently has the hots for some other guy. Or you can be a guy that fucks other guys and falls in love with women. You can be "It's Complicated". You can be "I'll get back to you when I've worked it out!". You can be a person who likes strong people.

It's much easier to just tell people what you know now ("I fancy Dave") and not bother to tell them what you don't know and may never know ("I'll never ever be sexually attracted to a woman").
posted by emilyw at 1:19 PM on July 7, 2011 [5 favorites]

Dan Savage used to get questions on his call-in show (from the early 90's) where young adults were trying to figure out their orientation.

His answer was always the same: "When you masturbate, what do you think about? That's your answer".

The other nuanced answers to this post may be more helpful than that, however.
posted by el io at 1:22 PM on July 7, 2011 [2 favorites]

Who made the rule that says you are required to categorize, label and announce your sexuality? The range of available labels is arbitrary, and it does not exhaust the range of human possibility. There's nothing wrong with relating to each individual human you encounter as an individual human, who might or might not interest you as a sex partner and/or a friend. Many people would find that approach powerfully charming.

And if you ever find yourself short of female companionship, there are lots of asexual women who would like your company just fine.
posted by Corvid at 1:37 PM on July 7, 2011 [1 favorite]

"When you masturbate, what do you think about? That's your answer"

i heard this advice before, and man, i'm here to tell you that it just muddied the waters. the answer was convoluted at best "well, sometimes i think about a man with a vagina, or a woman with a penis, or sometimes i envision making out with someone and when we pull away they're an entirely different person - sometimes the gender changes, but sometimes it's just the looks stuff - hair, skin, eyes, size - like super sexy people morphing (a la michael jackson's black or white but, you know, nakeder) - uh, what was the question again?"

i think for some people with more off/on type of sexualities it is difficult to understand those of us that are incredibly fluid in that regard.
posted by nadawi at 1:49 PM on July 7, 2011 [9 favorites]

If you're young, it's not unlikely that, on the whole, the girls you know are more sensitive, nurturing and accepting than your male peers. They're in the thick of the male posturing years, especially if you know mostly straight guys, while girls mature faster and have more experience as caregivers. As you age, men of all sexual persuasions will mature and the difference won't be so stark. At that point it will be easier, should you conclude that you're gay, to get to know men with the characteristics you now ascribe to girls.
posted by carmicha at 2:00 PM on July 7, 2011 [2 favorites]

Ah man. I wish I had the right words to say to you. I mean, here I am and it's been like, more than 15 years since I first wondered about myself, and I'm still confused. Bi? Straight? Well, I never really think I'm gay, but I used to (when I was 15-16), 'cause back then I assumed I had to have a 'more serious' and full-on answer, and bi is cheating and undecided. What makes it worse is that it seems for some people it is a way of 'holding the door open', as you said. That-- if you think about that-- that's all about society and its expectations, not about you and what you want. You already know "that thread is tied to nothing", but it's ok for it to be hard to let go. Give it time. When saying 'gay' is natural, allow yourself to say it then; don't allow yourself to feel pressured by the community or your peers. I mean, I went to college and found out about bisexuality and suddenly it clicked for me. It felt like a release. You'll get there too. It won't even take long, but it'll happen on its own time.

For what it's worth, your post sounds like a rather common story from a gay guy, actually. You're not alone at all. Have read books or posts on the internet? Just check out people's stories of growing up gay and see how it compares; it may help.

I know what you mean about wishing you had a vag without being genderqueer-- sometimes I imagine having sex with girls as a guy just 'cause, y'know, there's soooo much porny/romantic stuff out there where that's how it plays out, that a penis+vagina just seems like this intuitive truth of 'this is how it IS'. Boom. A part of me thinks/fears other options are 'weird' in some ineffable way. Like (I'm a girl), sometimes I catch myself feeling that sex without any penises is just boring. I mean, what? But I feel it anyway. So you accept it and your imagination works around that, you know? It's all bullshit role-playing, though. Yeah, even though it's your deepest fantasy and totally ingrained, it's still about socially-imposed roles and ideas, in the end.

I just want to repeat this: there is no hurry. NO hurry to feel 'ready' for a relationship when you haven't even met any available guys and gotten comfortable with yourself! Even totally 100% straight people don't feel into relationships until they meet the right person, especially so with guys-- girls fantasize about relationships and so pretend and play make-believe with love, whereas guys just seems to fantasize about sex more. So you're... um, normal? haha. I've often heard of guys saying they're more into guys sexually & girls romantically and using it as an excuse to string girls along and marry them, etc-- it's totally cool you're not doing this. Props to you, you're already ahead of the game there. This means you're not in danger of making some pretty painful mistakes, and you have that time to find the right guy, the right atmosphere, the right time for you, you know?

Straight guys say they're into most girls ( the world, it seems like?) sexually and only like, a very few or no girls 'romantically'. So, sexually = sexual orientation. When you 'really like' or enjoy people's company, or think they're awesome, that's not romantic, by the way: it may help to simply not use that word. Like, I can tell you this as a bi girl: I have girl friends I love as a friend, but it's not romantically. It's only rarely romantic. It's romantic when it's friendship, sexual attraction, and something else: infatuation. When you feel it, you'll know!

You don't need to feel infatuated with the random guys you want to have sex with, or are just friends with. Most folks don't fall in love very easily, so that's to be expected. Some people-- gay or straight or in the middle-- are unlucky enough never to find love, but that doesn't mean they're suddenly asexual. Some people think they're in love but they're just in lust. Some people can't love (they tend to be really screwed up, though). So, I mean, there's all kinds. Love is luck, and most people aren't lucky enough to find it while they're young. Be prepared to wait, and have fun meanwhile. The most you can do is not lie to people and say you are available romantically when you're not. Every other attitude/behavior is fair game.

And yeah, coming out is going to be hard, no way around that. As a bi girl, it's relatively easy 'cause everyone is like 'eh, another one?' about us, but even then-- my mom didn't feel the same. I don't just randomly say it to whoever. And I still haven't had sex with a girl, or fallen in love with one for that matter. It's a lot harder when you're gay and not celibate by nature. But if you're ok with recreational sex, and you can move to somewhere cosmopolitan sometime in the near future, like a big city, where most people don't know you-- there's a lot of fun out there to be had. Or so I hear. Regardless of your current friends, consider joining an online LGBT community for now. You don't have to jump in head-first-- just hang out, get comfortable. We're just people. I think-- as a girl, this is my opinion-- the thing that makes the gay male community and gay female community different is the gender, not the orientation. Get a bunch of horny guys together, you get the typical club scene, I guess. Get a bunch of horny feminists together, you get a rousing bookstore reading. ;)

Anyway, you can-- for awhile-- live in two separate worlds if it makes the transition easier. Don't get stuck like that-- it'll get hard-- but for now, you can avoid your friends looking at you funny and just hang out with new friends who only know you as gay, if you want. You can go to a low-key hangout place and just have a drink, or talk about stuff, especially if you're in a college with a LGBT club. I mean, there's a whole world out there. Or so I hear. I'm a girl, so I make do with the bookstore now and again. :>
posted by reenka at 2:19 PM on July 7, 2011 [2 favorites]

I think what I'm most afraid about is the fact that I can't turn around after doing it. Point of no return stuff.

I'd examine the basis for this assumption first. Take out a piece of paper. Put this thought at the top. Now divide the paper into two columns, one "advantages of believing this" and the other "disadvantages of believing this." Write down the advantages of that belief, and the disadvantages of that belief.

Then assign a number out of 100 for the two columns, 60-40, 50-50, 90-10, 10-90, etc.

Add it up. then decide if you want to believe that or not.

Once you've got that one figured out, I think the rest will just follow.
posted by Ironmouth at 2:23 PM on July 7, 2011

Something to think about if you're still either in high school or college: the world is a lot bigger after you get out of school. It's possible to live in a really small community after college where gossip travels very quickly, and it's also possible to live in a place where you can compartmentalize information a bit. I'm not saying that you should wait that long if you don't want to, or that it's a good idea to keep that sort of information completely compartmentalized for your entire life, but it might be comforting to know that it is easier to come out very gradually in the real world than it is, say, in a small high school.
posted by colfax at 3:13 PM on July 7, 2011 [1 favorite]

I was the same orientation as you when I was younger. I was sexually attracted to guys but wanted to grow up and have a wife and a job in the city and a house in the suburbs and a white picket fence and a dog and a cat and 2.3 children and a Volvo. What I didn't realize was that "orientation" was just a manifestation of the fact that I was working through a lot of really deeply internalized homophobia. I was terrified to be gay. I didn't know what that meant. And I was desperately clinging to the really familiar things that I had been taught since I was tiny: boy meets girl, boy falls in love with girl, boy and girl get married, boy and girl live happily ever after.

You're gay* and you're wonderful, just the way you are.

The relationship that you want for yourself - whatever it might look like - is a relationship with another human. Not a relationship with a sexual organ or sexual orientation or gender identity or sex. Humans come in all varieties. You appear to be primarily sexually attracted to the male variety. Don't prejudge that half of the population and determine that they're all not your type just because romance is more familiar with the female variety. There are plenty of gay romance movies out there. Teach yourself that it isn't so improbable that two men might fall in love and have a shared emotion. Find a gay role model who is living the kind of life that you might want to live with a partner. Want kids? David Burtka and Neil Patrick Harris have two. Want a big white wedding? There are thousands of videos on YouTube showing happy couples on their big day. Honestly, whatever type of life you want to live... someone is out there living it, happily. Just remind yourself of that fact when you start freaking out that being gay means something about who you have to be when you grow up. You're the adult, and you get to say who you are and what that means.

*And your friends know it.
posted by jph at 3:25 PM on July 7, 2011 [1 favorite]

Oh yeah, building on what jph wrote about gay couple movies... um. I can't believe I'm about to say this... no, I really can't believe it... but. Er... so there's this thing called fandom.... *cough* Where girls (some guys! really!) of all ages write fanfic of two heternormative guys in the TV shows/movies we like, and then we share them, and there's romance and hardcore sex and handholding (sometimes all in the same story). Just google it. It's out there. A lot of it. Fandom is emphatically not every gay guy's idea of a comfort zone, but sometimes it's just what the doctor ordered, so to speak. Especially if you're still struggling with internalized gender role stuff, the 'problem' that slash fanfic has (of being frequently hetero role stuff projected onto male characters) can be a segueway, or gateway drug, or whatever. Heh. It's also very supportive. If you're into a particular TV show and like reading and girls, and forming close positive relationships with girls (on the internet), ummm come over. We have cookies. And porn.

Errr aside from that... as if I hadn't said enough... there's yaoi manga (Japanese boy/boy comics made for girls). Even more infamous for being trapped in the hetero gender-role stuff, but also a very happy community with lots of pervy girls, happy relationships portrayed very warmly (and sometimes realistically~! really!), and, well, porn. There's less emphasis on community and more emphasis on just reading lots of comics and being total fangirls/boys, though. A bunch of gay guys seem to think we're freaks, so ummm YMMV. *cough*pleasedon'thurtme*cough* You can start anywhere if you're interested... most of it's on livejournal. Errrr, here's a starting point.
posted by reenka at 3:53 PM on July 7, 2011 [1 favorite]

Can't you just tell people "I'm realizing I'm ...not entirely straight." Then when they ask for follow-up, just say you don't know, or take it case by case (e.g., if asked by some girl who is clearly crushing on you, maybe say you don't know for sure you are 100% gay but you can't think of any woman you're attracted to [she'll get the hint]).

As someone who knows a few people who pulled an ohhh just kiddding, I can say that the key thing was in how they did it. If they were like "being queer is too hard! I'm gonna go be straight. See you losers later," they lost friends. If they repeatedly slept with people they weren't into, people started warning people. But if you follow your feelings to your best ability and look out for others, people won't think you're a freak for not having it all figured out. Nobody has it all figured out when they're young.
posted by salvia at 6:44 PM on July 7, 2011

Thinking of it as a point of no return is a bit misleading. Most people have some degree of fluidity to their sexuality (even though they may not broadcast it) and if they're decent human beings they won't turn around and scream at you in X years if you change your mind.

I identified as the opposite of you in high school. I had huge emotional crushes on men and the sexual stuff kind of worked but didn't really; with women, the emotional stuff was totally absent but hey they were kind of sexy. I spent some time identifying as bisexual, some time identifying as exclusively attracted to women (sometimes while dating men, woops) and am now back to identifying as bisexual (though leaning towards gay) - I tell people I identify as "queer" to keep things simple. You really don't need to tell other people the minutiae of your sexual orientation, though. You can simply say you're not straight or you're queer and leave it at that. You can say you're attracted to men without having to choose gay or bi.
posted by buteo at 7:55 PM on July 7, 2011

I read your post earlier, thought about it, and bailed because I couldn't find the right words. Actually, I still can't, not really, but I felt like a chickenshit for not at least pitching in a heartfelt, "I feel for you, I really do. Just remember - you don't owe anybody any explanations, EVER, so do what feels right and good, and try to enjoy it, and adjust your course according to what your heart tells you." (This probably sounds pretty lame, but I really mean it sincerely.)
posted by OneMonkeysUncle at 8:17 PM on July 7, 2011 [1 favorite]

With all respect and hoping I'm not being too flippant, it's not like this is college and you're on some deadline requirement to declare a major. You don't even have to "declare" at all, or if you choose to, you can change your mind and "declare" something else. Your identity is not fixed. It's dynamic, and will change all your life. As you grow in self-awareness, you may see yourself in different ways.

If you feel you must talk about your attraction and emotions, I like the advice above to talk about who and not what. Who is the person you're attracted to? Who is the person you feel affection for? If you have the hots for Tom, you can say that. If you have a deep love for Margaret, you can say that. None of that has to be tied to any particular label, and it sets you free to define yourself as Anonymous (or whatever your name is) rather than someone else's framework.
posted by Robert Angelo at 8:40 PM on July 7, 2011 [1 favorite]

For a time I thought I might be a lesbian, in part because I found it so much easier to connect with women than with men. I went through a very angsty "what am I???" phase. Someone pointed out "well, it's not as if you have to decide between girl A and boy B right this minute."

And ... now, years later, I can't say that I really have more information. I do have more experience. I still find myself flirting with women from time to time, I have very passionate friendships with women, but men turn my crank.

It's much less important to have a label for it now. I've been straightforwardly asked about my orientation only about 3 times in the past 10+ years

I know it's very easy for me to say, but try to be patient with yourself. There's no deadline for you to figure anything out. Actually going on a few dates, if you are comfortable doing so, might clear things up for you.
posted by bunderful at 8:42 PM on July 7, 2011

Just to address the part of your post where you wrote that if you change your mind after coming out people with think less of you - I don't think that's really true. A friend of mine from high school started identifying as gay at university and that was just fine with everyone. Then he changed his mind and decided he was straight. Everyone I know of was very supportive. He now has a lovely girlfriend and seems very happy.

If you're in high school and not too far from going to college, you could always wait until you get there and then join the LGBT organization on campus to get some support. Once you get out of high school you really do get to choose the people you associate with a lot better and you can choose to hang out mostly with those who aren't going to judge you. When it comes to the workplace that's a little different but you can choose whether to be out at work or not when the time comes. My dad is gay and very much out in his personal life but he stayed in the closet at work and though I'm sure many people suspected he was gay no one ever bothered him about it and everyone respected his right to privacy.
posted by hazyjane at 11:46 PM on July 7, 2011

Oh, and just as a final aside: I know at least one woman (and probably more) who would totally be game for some sort of quirky non-traditional marriage where one or both of us got our sexual needs met on the side but remained committed to each other in terms of love and support and romance.

That's not what I want, but it bears mentioning that it is a very real option for some folks. Thus, if you find yourself never bridging the gap and finding some single source of sexual and romantic attraction, that doesn't mean that you're down for the count. It just means you need to find a partner who understands your needs and desires, approves of them, and can accommodate them.
posted by jph at 6:28 AM on July 8, 2011

I'm going to answer this before I read everybody's answers so you get my true gut reaction:

That's normal, and it is what best friuends for life ar for. I'm in the same senario and it has not been a problem ever. Infact my SO has a close knit group of *his* male BFF's that he does all him manly man things with as well. Normal, healthy
posted by Frosted Cactus at 9:02 AM on July 8, 2011

Imagine a guy, who thinks females are sexy, has sex with females, and all his best friends are guys.
Would you think he was:
a) Straight
b) Gay
c) Something else? (Bi etc)

(Just pointing out that it is very, *very* common in heterosexual relationships for people to have closer same-sex emotional ties, so it's not surprising to have the opposite in homosexual relationships)
posted by Elysum at 2:28 AM on February 3, 2012

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