Keep my meetup from becoming a creepup!
July 6, 2011 4:32 PM Subscribe
Help me resolve my first Meetup group drama.
I recently took over as organizer of a Meetup group that was about to expire. This was on a total whim -- I have zero experience with this. The group is for atheist/agnostic parents and their children to connect in playgroups and parks as well as for mom's / dad's nights out. The charter (or the introductory blurb thingy) doesn't specifically say it's for parents of young children, but it's clearly the point of the group.
Yesterday I received an email from one of the members. There is a person who joined the group who doesn't have any young children. In his introduction he states that he has three grown children, which makes him an odd fit for this group.
The concerned member knows of this man from a different parenting meetup group she belonged to. Apparently he came to an event that was clearly designated as a playgroup at a member's home, which made the parents a bit uncomfortable to say the least. When the group leadership changed their charter to explicitly be for parents of young children, he put up a stink claiming that the group was "gender stereotyping" him. But he's setting off all kinds of creep alarms by showing up to playgroups without kids.
In a discussion board message, the man offered his home as a spot to host events e.g. Sunday brunch.
In my ideal world I'd just send him packing as this group is pretty clearly for parents of young children. But is that the right thing to do? I can see an argument for him being welcome at a "dad's night out" event, for instance.
How would you handle this situation?
I recently took over as organizer of a Meetup group that was about to expire. This was on a total whim -- I have zero experience with this. The group is for atheist/agnostic parents and their children to connect in playgroups and parks as well as for mom's / dad's nights out. The charter (or the introductory blurb thingy) doesn't specifically say it's for parents of young children, but it's clearly the point of the group.
Yesterday I received an email from one of the members. There is a person who joined the group who doesn't have any young children. In his introduction he states that he has three grown children, which makes him an odd fit for this group.
The concerned member knows of this man from a different parenting meetup group she belonged to. Apparently he came to an event that was clearly designated as a playgroup at a member's home, which made the parents a bit uncomfortable to say the least. When the group leadership changed their charter to explicitly be for parents of young children, he put up a stink claiming that the group was "gender stereotyping" him. But he's setting off all kinds of creep alarms by showing up to playgroups without kids.
In a discussion board message, the man offered his home as a spot to host events e.g. Sunday brunch.
In my ideal world I'd just send him packing as this group is pretty clearly for parents of young children. But is that the right thing to do? I can see an argument for him being welcome at a "dad's night out" event, for instance.
How would you handle this situation?
If you're feeling really generous/nonconfrontational, do his research for him and direct him to meetup groups that are a better fit.
posted by foursentences at 4:37 PM on July 6, 2011
posted by foursentences at 4:37 PM on July 6, 2011
Response by poster: A little more research -- the guy belongs to a bunch of atheist/agnostic groups already in the area, so it's not like he's seeking out the kiddies exclusively. On the other hand, he RSVP'd for "take the kids to see Caspar Babypants" (though he didn't attend). Very odd.
posted by rouftop at 4:40 PM on July 6, 2011
posted by rouftop at 4:40 PM on July 6, 2011
Yes, just say nicely that you're very sorry that he got the wrong idea about the group but it is really a playgroup/social group for parents of young kids. There is no good reason for him to want to be in your group, I'm not accusing him of being a pedophile but his behavior indicates something is off. If a woman was doing this it would be less creepy but still so odd I would kck her out. Start off as if it was an honest mistake and don't escalate unless he gets crazy about it.
posted by boobjob at 4:40 PM on July 6, 2011 [5 favorites]
posted by boobjob at 4:40 PM on July 6, 2011 [5 favorites]
Kick him out. Politely, as there's no need to tell him you think he's a creep.
posted by J. Wilson at 4:57 PM on July 6, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by J. Wilson at 4:57 PM on July 6, 2011 [1 favorite]
But he's setting off all kinds of creep alarms by showing up to playgroups without kids.
Based on what you said about his actions with another group, this guy knows what he's doing is out of line. Send a message out to your group reiterating that it is for parents with young children only. Then remove this guy from your group.
When you remove someone from your group there is a box provided to enter some text in the way of an explanation. Enter as concise a message as possible, including a reference to the earlier email sent to the whole group. Also, use the Meetup mechanism to block him from rejoining. (Which isn't foolproof; I've had people deliberately rejoin under a different ID to get around being removed.)
I know this sounds a bit more draconian than you would seem to want to do, but you really need to nip this in the bud since there are children involved. Also, you might want to consider taking the group private and only allowing new memberships based on a pre-approval. In your case such approval might need to be contingent upon some kind of proof that the person actually has young children.
posted by fuse theorem at 5:03 PM on July 6, 2011 [5 favorites]
Based on what you said about his actions with another group, this guy knows what he's doing is out of line. Send a message out to your group reiterating that it is for parents with young children only. Then remove this guy from your group.
When you remove someone from your group there is a box provided to enter some text in the way of an explanation. Enter as concise a message as possible, including a reference to the earlier email sent to the whole group. Also, use the Meetup mechanism to block him from rejoining. (Which isn't foolproof; I've had people deliberately rejoin under a different ID to get around being removed.)
I know this sounds a bit more draconian than you would seem to want to do, but you really need to nip this in the bud since there are children involved. Also, you might want to consider taking the group private and only allowing new memberships based on a pre-approval. In your case such approval might need to be contingent upon some kind of proof that the person actually has young children.
posted by fuse theorem at 5:03 PM on July 6, 2011 [5 favorites]
If you do not have a young child to bring to a playgroup, it is not appropriate to attend. This is not a gender issue; it would be equally inappropriate for the mother of grown children to attend.
Tell him that. I personally would do it as apologising for an apparent misunderstanding; this is not an atheist community event but rather a playgroup for small children. Possibly add something about if he would wish to attend with a grandchild, the group would welcome him on those occasions. Then pretend you are not aware he is a member of other atheist groups in your area and suggest a few to him as a way to meet other atheist adults who would welcome his enthusiasm and hospitality. Be gracious but be firm - in no way raise the spectre of paedophilia.
posted by DarlingBri at 5:14 PM on July 6, 2011 [3 favorites]
Tell him that. I personally would do it as apologising for an apparent misunderstanding; this is not an atheist community event but rather a playgroup for small children. Possibly add something about if he would wish to attend with a grandchild, the group would welcome him on those occasions. Then pretend you are not aware he is a member of other atheist groups in your area and suggest a few to him as a way to meet other atheist adults who would welcome his enthusiasm and hospitality. Be gracious but be firm - in no way raise the spectre of paedophilia.
posted by DarlingBri at 5:14 PM on July 6, 2011 [3 favorites]
Remember the Five Geek Social Fallacies. Don't fall in the trap of thinking you need to include all comers, no matter how inappropriate they are.
posted by grouse at 5:15 PM on July 6, 2011 [5 favorites]
posted by grouse at 5:15 PM on July 6, 2011 [5 favorites]
I'd go with fuse theorem's advice.
Sometimes, a lot of times actually, people can sense nice people and they take advantage of them.
You don't want to hurt this guy's feelings or cause him to freak out and ratchet up the drama. He knows you don't want that. (Well OK, I can't read his mind, but he sure sounds like that type.)
If you leave him any opening, i.e., if you don't expel him from the group, he's likely to keep confronting you with awkward dilemmas.
There's only one clean, safe, and decisive defense against his chess moves and fuse theorem described it.
So I'd do exactly what fuse theorem said including sending out the message and referring him to it. I know it sucks and it feels mean and it won't be fun, but otherwise, he's going to just keep coming up with ways to hassle you.
I'd also rewrite the meetup description to make it totally clear who it's for what it's about.
posted by eeby at 5:52 PM on July 6, 2011
Sometimes, a lot of times actually, people can sense nice people and they take advantage of them.
You don't want to hurt this guy's feelings or cause him to freak out and ratchet up the drama. He knows you don't want that. (Well OK, I can't read his mind, but he sure sounds like that type.)
If you leave him any opening, i.e., if you don't expel him from the group, he's likely to keep confronting you with awkward dilemmas.
There's only one clean, safe, and decisive defense against his chess moves and fuse theorem described it.
So I'd do exactly what fuse theorem said including sending out the message and referring him to it. I know it sucks and it feels mean and it won't be fun, but otherwise, he's going to just keep coming up with ways to hassle you.
I'd also rewrite the meetup description to make it totally clear who it's for what it's about.
posted by eeby at 5:52 PM on July 6, 2011
Ah, geez, have you looked him up on registered sex offender lists? I don't think it would be too much to contact the local police station to ask if there is anything you need to know about this guy. They may already know his name and tell you if there's something you need to know, or at the very least, if he's ever (god forbid) reported for harming a child, they will know his name because of you. You're not filing a complaint, just asking a question as a concerned parent.
posted by namesarehard at 7:23 PM on July 6, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by namesarehard at 7:23 PM on July 6, 2011 [1 favorite]
Send out a message and say that people have been discussing a change in group policy. Set up a poll/survey (try Doodle or Survey Monkey) and let the group members vote for their choice of whether the group should be limited to those with young children.
posted by spikeleemajortomdickandharryconnickjrmints at 7:36 PM on July 6, 2011
posted by spikeleemajortomdickandharryconnickjrmints at 7:36 PM on July 6, 2011
Possibly he's a guy who likes kids (in a good way). But, at the end of the day, the charter is for people with young kids, not random people who like kids. Which is your answer.
posted by rodgerd at 8:52 PM on July 6, 2011
posted by rodgerd at 8:52 PM on July 6, 2011
Why is there even a question about this - young children are involved. Geez.
Tell him in short sentences he is no longer welcome to attend because he does not have young children. Then, block him manually from the group. End of story.
THEN, I would definitely pop into my local police station and notify them about this fellow's habit of attending only certain kinds of meet-ups.
---
You owe him nothing, not even a detailed explanation.
Furthermore, I'm surprised you even have to ask about this.
Lastly...
Everyone knows about inappropriate behavior towards kids and how super super over-cautious most folks are to avoid ANY flavor of impropriety. This guy knows better. He knows exactly what he is doing.
Take a stand. It's what parents do.
posted by jbenben at 9:50 PM on July 6, 2011 [1 favorite]
Tell him in short sentences he is no longer welcome to attend because he does not have young children. Then, block him manually from the group. End of story.
THEN, I would definitely pop into my local police station and notify them about this fellow's habit of attending only certain kinds of meet-ups.
---
You owe him nothing, not even a detailed explanation.
Furthermore, I'm surprised you even have to ask about this.
Lastly...
Everyone knows about inappropriate behavior towards kids and how super super over-cautious most folks are to avoid ANY flavor of impropriety. This guy knows better. He knows exactly what he is doing.
Take a stand. It's what parents do.
posted by jbenben at 9:50 PM on July 6, 2011 [1 favorite]
You could be magnanimous and invite him to a dad's night out - but he wouldn't come because there are no children there.
(Look. I very good friend of mine was molested for many years by the family that babysat him as a young child, abusing both him and their young daughter. It was awful. But my friend, as an adult, as some incredible insights into what sexual predators act like and how they are motivated.
It's possible this guy has some weird fetish about liking young parents because they remind him of something he is missing emotionally, but more likely, he's there for the kids with evil intentions.
You can't take the chance.
Ban him now. No apologies, no explanations. I don't legally see why you would owe him an explanation or a spot in your group, anyhow.)
posted by jbenben at 9:56 PM on July 6, 2011 [1 favorite]
(Look. I very good friend of mine was molested for many years by the family that babysat him as a young child, abusing both him and their young daughter. It was awful. But my friend, as an adult, as some incredible insights into what sexual predators act like and how they are motivated.
It's possible this guy has some weird fetish about liking young parents because they remind him of something he is missing emotionally, but more likely, he's there for the kids with evil intentions.
You can't take the chance.
Ban him now. No apologies, no explanations. I don't legally see why you would owe him an explanation or a spot in your group, anyhow.)
posted by jbenben at 9:56 PM on July 6, 2011 [1 favorite]
Just to clarify: this man has children, but they are adults?
If yes, the answer to your question is completely clear. Cut him out/off now. I favor the approach of minimal processing with him. You are the moderator, so it is your job to tell him no. He is clearly being inappropriate and if his intent was to connect with other parents of adult children, or with other atheists, he can easily organize either meetup himself. You simply cut him out with a brief explanation that this is a group for parents of young children and it would be inappropriate for an adult of any gender who does not have young children to attend. The end. Never answer any of his emails again.
posted by serazin at 10:28 PM on July 6, 2011 [1 favorite]
If yes, the answer to your question is completely clear. Cut him out/off now. I favor the approach of minimal processing with him. You are the moderator, so it is your job to tell him no. He is clearly being inappropriate and if his intent was to connect with other parents of adult children, or with other atheists, he can easily organize either meetup himself. You simply cut him out with a brief explanation that this is a group for parents of young children and it would be inappropriate for an adult of any gender who does not have young children to attend. The end. Never answer any of his emails again.
posted by serazin at 10:28 PM on July 6, 2011 [1 favorite]
I would definitely pop into my local police station and notify them about this fellow's habit of attending only certain kinds of meet-ups.
jbenben - OP specifically noted that he belongs to a bunch of other athiest/agnostic groups in the area, and isn't "attending only certain kinds of meet-ups".
posted by russm at 12:24 AM on July 7, 2011
jbenben - OP specifically noted that he belongs to a bunch of other athiest/agnostic groups in the area, and isn't "attending only certain kinds of meet-ups".
posted by russm at 12:24 AM on July 7, 2011
When you re-write your meetup intro, stress the "playgroup for small children" part over the "atheist/agnostic parents" bit; perhaps the guy just joins any & all atheist/agnostic groups he can.
But I'd still ban him from yours: yeah, it's creepy.
posted by easily confused at 3:04 AM on July 7, 2011
But I'd still ban him from yours: yeah, it's creepy.
posted by easily confused at 3:04 AM on July 7, 2011
I re-read the OP's follow-up. I'm not convinced the fellow in question isn't specifically targeting groups with kids. According to the OP and upon further research, the guy heavily favors groups with kids even if he seems to attend other meet-ups, too. I think that's enough evidence to err on the side of caution.
posted by jbenben at 8:39 AM on July 7, 2011
posted by jbenben at 8:39 AM on July 7, 2011
he put up a stink claiming that the group was "gender stereotyping" him.
To whom? I dislike dismissing issues of sexism, but, even if this were a meetup for "atheist mothers" instead of "atheist parents", you'd have every right to your kaffeeklatsch.
This is more of a signal that he understands the dynamics at work, and, at minimum, that he's willing to ignore other people's discomfort to get his own needs met, and call them nasty names when they refuse to serve his needs.
Dismiss him from the group with a minimum of fuss, and rewrite the mission statement to make the scope of the group explicit.
He may force you to tell him "you're unwelcome, get out", but you have every right to do so. The matter's more likely to become a drama-fest the more you justify yourself, and the more you make the situation sound negotiable.
posted by endless_forms at 9:37 AM on July 7, 2011
To whom? I dislike dismissing issues of sexism, but, even if this were a meetup for "atheist mothers" instead of "atheist parents", you'd have every right to your kaffeeklatsch.
This is more of a signal that he understands the dynamics at work, and, at minimum, that he's willing to ignore other people's discomfort to get his own needs met, and call them nasty names when they refuse to serve his needs.
Dismiss him from the group with a minimum of fuss, and rewrite the mission statement to make the scope of the group explicit.
He may force you to tell him "you're unwelcome, get out", but you have every right to do so. The matter's more likely to become a drama-fest the more you justify yourself, and the more you make the situation sound negotiable.
posted by endless_forms at 9:37 AM on July 7, 2011
The more I think about this the more I conclude this guy is a jerk. Meetup groups have zero obligation to welcome everyone. Also, reverse sexism is bullshit.
posted by serazin at 6:00 PM on July 8, 2011
posted by serazin at 6:00 PM on July 8, 2011
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by foursentences at 4:36 PM on July 6, 2011 [10 favorites]