how do I end a relationship without unnecessarily hurting the other person?
July 3, 2011 3:28 PM Subscribe
how do I end a relationship without unnecessarily hurting the other person?
two months ago I started seeing a girl. I thought this was going to be something that could really work but in the end I'm just not that excited and would like to move on. she however has started taking this quite seriously. I couldn't help but notice that she got quite emotionally involved.
any ideas how I could handle this not-so nice situation more or less gracefully?
two months ago I started seeing a girl. I thought this was going to be something that could really work but in the end I'm just not that excited and would like to move on. she however has started taking this quite seriously. I couldn't help but notice that she got quite emotionally involved.
any ideas how I could handle this not-so nice situation more or less gracefully?
Once, long ago, Miko gave some legendary advice on exactly how to handle this.
posted by Tomorrowful at 3:36 PM on July 3, 2011
posted by Tomorrowful at 3:36 PM on July 3, 2011
Miko's advice is great for breaking up with her. You may also want to think about what happens after the breakup. You need to enforce and respect a period of no contact, and you need to be able be the bad guy in this situation. Yeah, you aren't really a bad person--but you are, unfortunately, going to hurt her. She might be unfair to you in her anger; don't engage. If she begs you to take her back--be gentle, but firm in refusing. If she calls you crying, cut it short as kindly as you can--don't try to be her friend . Ignore emails, instant messages and texts that involve her trying to fix things with you. Anything else, and she might start harboring hope that you'll get back together. Don't lead her on in order to avoid feeling like the bad guy; ultimately it's much kinder to break things off cleanly. If you need to exchange items, make it a one-time exchange so that your contact is minimized. You might have to give up a few cherished items; it's better than dragging the breakup out over them.
posted by millions of peaches at 3:47 PM on July 3, 2011 [3 favorites]
posted by millions of peaches at 3:47 PM on July 3, 2011 [3 favorites]
It's one thing to be gentle, but be firm and be fast.
I find the hardest part of breaking up with someone is feeling the need to also try to support them through the breakup. You have to accept that what you're doing is going to hurt them, and you have to leave them alone to deal with it in their own way.
So say your piece, give her time to process it, then walk out the door. Do not stick around to try to comfort her.
posted by auto-correct at 3:51 PM on July 3, 2011 [3 favorites]
I find the hardest part of breaking up with someone is feeling the need to also try to support them through the breakup. You have to accept that what you're doing is going to hurt them, and you have to leave them alone to deal with it in their own way.
So say your piece, give her time to process it, then walk out the door. Do not stick around to try to comfort her.
posted by auto-correct at 3:51 PM on July 3, 2011 [3 favorites]
I would add one thing: Do it on Friday evening (or whatever evening leads to a day or two off in her schedule). If she's having trouble coping, it will give her a few days to catch her breath before she has to put on her business face and concentrate on work.
posted by thinkingwoman at 5:47 PM on July 3, 2011 [3 favorites]
posted by thinkingwoman at 5:47 PM on July 3, 2011 [3 favorites]
It's not possible to love people without also giving them the ability to hurt you. If it is necessary to break up with her, then if she loves you at all, you will hurt her in the process, just as anyone you loved has hurt you when they broke up with you.
Do it as kindly as possible, and try to save the friendship if you can. However, it will be up to her how she feels about it, and while you can influence this, you cannot control it. It is her right to feel angry, slighted, and upset. People often do feel that way about breakups, and they are generally expected (and prompted) by society to feel that way regardless of the circumstances.
Treat her as you would like to be treated, if someone you loved were to decide that they didn't love you any more, and intended to break up with you. Be compassionate to her, but balance this with compassion to yourself as well. Remember that you, and she, do have the right to unilaterally end a relationship that is not working for you. Both must be happy for it to work, and this takes effort on both sides. If you are not willing to put in that effort, it is far more hurtful in the long run to pretend otherwise, than to honestly say so.
posted by aeschenkarnos at 6:57 PM on July 3, 2011 [1 favorite]
Do it as kindly as possible, and try to save the friendship if you can. However, it will be up to her how she feels about it, and while you can influence this, you cannot control it. It is her right to feel angry, slighted, and upset. People often do feel that way about breakups, and they are generally expected (and prompted) by society to feel that way regardless of the circumstances.
Treat her as you would like to be treated, if someone you loved were to decide that they didn't love you any more, and intended to break up with you. Be compassionate to her, but balance this with compassion to yourself as well. Remember that you, and she, do have the right to unilaterally end a relationship that is not working for you. Both must be happy for it to work, and this takes effort on both sides. If you are not willing to put in that effort, it is far more hurtful in the long run to pretend otherwise, than to honestly say so.
posted by aeschenkarnos at 6:57 PM on July 3, 2011 [1 favorite]
Seconding thinkingwoman's comment. My ex pulled our breakup on me as he was walking me to work and it was the most horrible, thoughtless thing he could have possibly done to me.
posted by makonan at 7:16 PM on July 3, 2011 [3 favorites]
posted by makonan at 7:16 PM on July 3, 2011 [3 favorites]
Make it a clean break. Do not be ambiguous, do not leave any room for false hope, do not give excuses that are based on circumstances that could change, and do not say you want to be friends.
posted by J. Wilson at 7:33 PM on July 3, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by J. Wilson at 7:33 PM on July 3, 2011 [1 favorite]
Breaking up is hard to do. You need something to seize on that will carry you through it. I've personally found staying angry at them prevents me from wanting to embrace them. That's my messy approach, stay mad until you don't care what the crap they do anymore. Then you can be friends.
posted by Sylvia Plath's terrible fish at 10:14 PM on July 3, 2011
posted by Sylvia Plath's terrible fish at 10:14 PM on July 3, 2011
This might go without saying, but don't have sex with her again.
Also -- rip the band-aid off. Don't be distant, don't be avoidant. Ideally you should do this the next time you speak to her.
It's counterintuitive, but it can be a good thing to let yourself be the "bad guy" a bit here. I think if you just went ahead and bluntly said "I thought this was going to be something that could really work but in the end I'm just not that excited and would like to move on" -- yeah, you would look like kind of a douche and she might be upset in the moment. But if she thinks you're just a douche, she might move on faster, rather than a circumstance where she thinks you're The One who she somehow drove away, and pines over it for days.
posted by Ashley801 at 11:56 PM on July 3, 2011 [2 favorites]
Also -- rip the band-aid off. Don't be distant, don't be avoidant. Ideally you should do this the next time you speak to her.
It's counterintuitive, but it can be a good thing to let yourself be the "bad guy" a bit here. I think if you just went ahead and bluntly said "I thought this was going to be something that could really work but in the end I'm just not that excited and would like to move on" -- yeah, you would look like kind of a douche and she might be upset in the moment. But if she thinks you're just a douche, she might move on faster, rather than a circumstance where she thinks you're The One who she somehow drove away, and pines over it for days.
posted by Ashley801 at 11:56 PM on July 3, 2011 [2 favorites]
I once had a man, after a few dates, say that he didn't really feel sexual around me. He was very honest and I felt he said it as soon as he knew what he was feeling. For something kind of intense to say, it wound up not really hurting me at all, and I respected his feelings; he didn't say "You're not sexy," but made it about his feelings; what could I do? I feel positively when I think about him. Talking about your feelings, not her qualities, might be best (as others have suggested).
posted by Clotilde at 8:17 AM on July 4, 2011
posted by Clotilde at 8:17 AM on July 4, 2011
The breakup I had where I felt "unnecessarily hurt" -- and, indeed, the whole situation became the drama llama which would not die -- was bad precisely because the other individual was unwilling to be the "bad guy". Breaking up takes courage -- decent human beings feel bad when their actions lead to another person feeling unhappy. Making a clean break means temporarily feeling more bad because, in the end, that will allow you and the other party to feel less bad.
posted by endless_forms at 9:32 AM on July 4, 2011 [4 favorites]
posted by endless_forms at 9:32 AM on July 4, 2011 [4 favorites]
Response by poster: thanks, guys. some spot-on advice in here. I wished I had found mikos advice (I did search but not that far, it seems). sounds very good.
posted by krautland at 2:36 PM on July 4, 2011
posted by krautland at 2:36 PM on July 4, 2011
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by knile at 3:36 PM on July 3, 2011