The Long Tunnel of Wanting You...
June 30, 2011 7:47 PM   Subscribe

So, Mrs. Anonymous had to have some surgery back in May that, wouldn't ya know it, has made sex a no-no until the end of July. Looking for good ideas for the re-grand-opening in a few weeks.

All's well, she's recovering nicely, and we'll all looking forwards to having her back! Some details: monogamous 40-somethings, married 20 years, 2 young kids, small house, busy lives. Frankly, the sex has never been great; adequate, not nothing to write home about. BJ's are a treat for me, but it's pretty much been man-on-top-and-lights-out, damnitall... *sigh* Life's short, looking for a spark, this is a good time. Initially was thinking of dragging her (kicking and screaming) to the local sex shoppe for some "goodies", but, really, what's the point--she would feel very uncomfortable. Me, I'm a rabid non-believing hedonist and would wish to get more out of this life. A frustrated bon vivant. Vanessa Daou's "Zipless" is our once-a-year sextrack. I want more. The time is now. What's next, what should I do with this once-in-a lifetime opportunity...?
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (24 answers total) 1 user marked this as a favorite

 
Ask her what she'd like, and take it from there?
posted by mimi at 7:52 PM on June 30, 2011 [2 favorites]


Not to disappoint you, but post-surgical-recovery is likely a terrible time for a plan this... ambitious.

I'd seriously consider easing gently back into things, as it were, and working up to this together rather than making an elaborate thing out of it on the first day back. You're setting yourself up for disappointment with a plan this aggressive.
posted by mhoye at 7:57 PM on June 30, 2011 [30 favorites]


Lower your expectations. It's the first time in awhile, not your first time ever. She's still the same person. It won't be magical this time any more than the last time. So, "once-in-a-lifetime opportunity" seems off unless I'm missing something.

You have to communicate. Talk to her. Ask her what's up. What she would like to do. What might she be up for that you want to do. Maybe do something she wants. But start with her, not us.
posted by inturnaround at 7:59 PM on June 30, 2011


wait, why is now the time, if you've felt the sex has never been that great? Has she expressed wanting more out of the experience, getting restless sexually since her surgery? I would think the "welcome back to sex" party would be relaxed and respectful, not a balloon filled boundary crossing orgy. Is there something you've left out?
posted by sweetkid at 8:00 PM on June 30, 2011 [6 favorites]


Wow, I can't remember a question that started out so sweet and so quickly plummeted downhill. Given her surgery and recovery time, she's likely to view sex with some trepidation - now is not the time, for the first time in your 20 years together, to come up with some crazy new plan.
posted by moxiedoll at 8:01 PM on June 30, 2011 [25 favorites]


Has she expressed wanting more out of the experience, getting restless sexually since her surgery?

This is key. If she has expressed something like this, great. If she hasn't, then I do not think you will have a positive reaction to any big plans. If something was outside of her comfort zone before, it's probably going to be even more so now, unless she's told you otherwise.
posted by Ashley801 at 8:05 PM on June 30, 2011


Don't forget, if you plan something exciting and ambitious for a particular night when you think she's recovered, you might get started and realise that no, she is not ready to get back to things. She could still be in pain. It will probably be harder to accept if you are all ready for the time of your life than if you are just trying the usual stuff with low expectations. And it would be horrible if she feels she has to just put up with the pain and pretend she's ready because you went to a lot of effort to plan a big "re-opening".

Once you are back to "normal", then maybe start figuring out how to incorporate more fun into your sexytimes.
posted by lollusc at 8:09 PM on June 30, 2011 [3 favorites]


i can't really think of a time or situation less appropriate for you to express your desires for some rip-roarin' rolls in the sack. just because she is recovered doesn't mean she's emotionally or mentally ready to put on a whole new bag of tricks. i know you must feel ready to burst and finding a way to satisfy your sexual needs in your marriage is a very important topic - but this is so not the time. this is the "in sickness and in health" stuff. be there for her and go at her pace. be encouraging and loving. tackle all the swinging from the rafters stuff later.
posted by nadawi at 8:26 PM on June 30, 2011 [10 favorites]


Whatever happens, take it slow. She's recovering from surgery. Even if she physically can finally have sex, she may not be in the mood right away, and it sounds like you're disappointed with the way you two get it on. This is separate from whether or not she can actually have intercourse. It seems like you're looking at this as almost a sex "reboot", but that is not really going to happen. It's probably going to be more like turning off the "pause" button.

They say that the brain is the sexiest organ in the body. Whatever. The point is, really you could already be doing sexy things, just not anything that's physically taxing; they say that the foreplay is everything that happens in between.

So this is an opportunity, not to change everything up, but to ramp up the good sexy feelings between the two of you. Be romantic, give backrubs, look at sexy videos, read sexy stories, share sexy pictures with one another.

Not to get into specifics, but depending on your shared fantasies, it may not be at all necessary to go to a sex store. Your local hardware store may have everything you need!

And when it comes to soundtracks, you can't do better than Music to Make Love to Your Old Lady By.
posted by Deathalicious at 8:39 PM on June 30, 2011 [3 favorites]


Surgery can make you feel really depressed about your own body and regard it as something damaged, rather than something sexy. I would suggest starting with a round of compliments.
posted by Sylvia Plath's terrible fish at 8:46 PM on June 30, 2011 [3 favorites]


You're going to have to court her and woo her. Make it something more than the sex itself. It needs to be about intimacy and romance and something a little bit different (you're not at the sex toy stage yet, though) and work from there.

She's not just physically going to be a bit uncomfortable - it's mental and emotional as well.

And it's not just that you need to have ExcitingSex - it's that the two of you need to connect on a whole lot of different levels.

Make her feel sexy and confident - make yourself feel sexy and confident - and work from there (time, patience, understanding highly necessary).
posted by mleigh at 8:57 PM on June 30, 2011 [1 favorite]


I am just going by what you wrote, which isn't much, but you come across as a horny guy who got your toy back from the repair shop, and is thinking about the best way to celebrate you getting your toy back. Your wife doesn't come across as a sexual person, and while it's probably unfair to make this assumption, but if my SO was thinking about sex when I had a surgery, I wouldn't be in the mood. I would want to be taken care of, instead of checked to see if I am recovered enough to have sex. I am sure you're a caring person, but she needs to be taken care of right now, physically and mentally, not you.
posted by icollectpurses at 9:06 PM on June 30, 2011 [10 favorites]


I know I may sound harsh with the toy repair analogy but it was intentional, as you talked about how you excitement in your sex life when your wife just had a surgery. Even if it was a minor one, your choice in words, 're-grand-opening' came across VERY crass....especially when your wife doesn't seem to be that into sex, for some reason.
posted by icollectpurses at 9:09 PM on June 30, 2011 [2 favorites]


Any surgery that makes sex a no-no for two or three months is a major surgery. I had a breast reduction back in September and the doctor told me that sex was a no-no for about 6 - 8 weeks. I did have sex at about the 8 week mark, but I wouldn't describe it as a balls to the wall all get out good time. I was mainly concerned with the pain and worried about that too much to have uninhibited fun. And with any major surgery, pain lasts for a long time even after you've been cleared for sexual activity. Only now (9 months post surgery) would I say that I'm about back to being able to enjoy sex fully without worrying about possible pain from various sex positions.

TLDR: Give her a fucking break, she's still recovering from surgery even if it was months ago. What you have envisioned in your mind is not how things are going to be.
posted by MaryDellamorte at 9:14 PM on June 30, 2011 [4 favorites]


I recently had surgery that took sex off the table for 4 weeks, and I was super nervous the first time back. This is not a good time for craziness.
posted by amro at 9:38 PM on June 30, 2011 [1 favorite]


Absolutely, take it slow. Flirt with her. Do some kissing, if she's interested. If it gets to that, maybe you can round a couple of bases. Otherwise, I would say that you're obliged to wait for an invitation.
posted by Gilbert at 9:57 PM on June 30, 2011


Why not demonstrate your nurturing side and show her how wonderful and beautiful you think she is WITHOUT attempting to initiate sexual contact, and see if that helps. Right now your question makes you appear insensitive, which I'm hoping you aren't because post-surgery people need lots of love and support from their partners.
posted by These Birds of a Feather at 10:20 PM on June 30, 2011 [4 favorites]


Start by showing her non-sexual physical love now--no strings attached hugs, kisses and massages. The store's never been closed.

Ease into actual sex.
posted by Ironmouth at 11:39 PM on June 30, 2011


If it's abdominal surgery, it's an odd feeling that goes through your body when you have resume orgasms, a bit nerve-wracking actually. There may be scar tissue internally or internally that feels much more sensitive, often that creates not pain, but weirdness, when the sexual juices are activated.

In my experience, it 'works' best with gentle moves in the spoons position the first few times. This isn't bells n whistles stuff obviously but on the other hand, it's an intimate way of reconnecting.
posted by honey-barbara at 11:50 PM on June 30, 2011 [2 favorites]


I'm trying not to read too much into this question, but things like:

the sex has never been great

and

Initially was thinking of dragging her . . . but, really, what's the point--she would feel very uncomfortable.

make me think that you should work on getting on the same page for the next twenty years. If you two take the time to work on compatibility (either through self help or - and I can't believe I'm the first to suggest it - counselling) you might not need to ask a question like this. The first sexual encounter back from major surgery is perhaps not a good time to try to "find a spark".
posted by Nabubrush at 1:23 AM on July 1, 2011 [1 favorite]


If you do plan on "getting it on" with her regardless of her pain or surgery.. you should really ease into things. Building things slowly will help you in the long run open up her mind to trying new things later on. I know I don't know your wife's mental state, but all women like to feel sexy and feeling sexy brings confidence to try new things they have never done before (at least that's what all my girlfriends and I believe and practice).

tl:dr - So if you are planning a huge sexytime extravaganza.. build up to it, don't jump into it as soon as the waiting period is up.
posted by xicana63 at 5:31 AM on July 1, 2011


I myself recently healed from some major surgery. My husband and I played on the fact we had to go back to some "old school" techniques. Heavy petting and such. This played on our reminiscing of being younger when our hormones were raging. It has worked out well because although we have been together some time going back to "old school" style has actually opened the opportunity to master the technique and learned a few new tricks.


Initially was thinking of dragging her (kicking and screaming) to the local sex shoppe for some "goodies", but, really, what's the point--she would feel very uncomfortable.

I wouldn't do this as I have found kinky things are just a band-aid and never solve the core problem. You are indicating your wife has no interest in this already. I don't think anything would be accomplished by this.

Express to your wife the importance of sex for a husband and wife, and although you know it will be very slow at first, it is important to make that connection for both of you.
posted by BuffaloChickenWing at 6:04 AM on July 1, 2011 [3 favorites]


Grand Re-opening?

You take one product off the shelf and you think the store has to be closed?

Where are you shopping?

I mean. Fine, P in V isn't happening, Doctor's orders. Cool. She maybe doesn't want to watch you jerk off. That's fine. But have you been snuggling her? Are there parts of her body that you enjoy - breasts, feet, back of her neck, either in a sexualized way or not? Have you been telling her she's beautiful? Have you been doing extra nice things for her? Have you ever seduced her? Did you stop seducing her around the time your sex life went downhill? Do you rub her feet after a long day?

You're absolutely right that "dragging her" to get some sex toys is the wrong tactic, but that's only about 10 degrees south of how wrong it is to be brainstorming your new sex life with the internet instead of with your wife.

Talk to her. Remind her of all the things the two of you have done that get you super hot to think about, even 20 years later. Make it clear that you enjoy every aspect of your lives together. Your kids, your home, her health, the ways she cares for you that aren't sexual. The way she knows just how to _____ when you're about to ______. Be extra on top of housework, and relieve stress for her before she sees it coming. Reducing stress has been shown to make recovery easier.
posted by bilabial at 1:18 PM on July 1, 2011 [2 favorites]


Wow, this is a lot about you, the "rabid non-believing hedonist" and "frustrated bon vivant", and not much about your wife and your compassion for the discomfort she might experience post-surgery. It's possible she is uncomfortable with her sexuality and going to a sex shop because the experience has been all about you and your wants. Perhaps now's the "once-in-a lifetime opportunity" to change your mindset and let your wife explore what she wants. Try getting some books (instruction or erotica) and read them together. Let her warm up and don't make her feel like a freshly repaired sex dispensing device.

I had a boyfriend with dramatic tenancies who liked to go on and on about what a hopeless romantic he was. He decided I wasn't a romantic and gave up. Sometimes he pouted at me about how I wasn't a romantic. In the end he never did the basic gestures a non-romantic boyfriend might do. I concluded that he was all talk, and not a hopeless romantic at all. A hopeless romantic would do those things anyway, because he's hopeless. I hear some similar aspects in your question because you seem very passive about the lacking quality of your married sex. "it's pretty much been man-on-top-and-lights-out, damnitall... *sigh*" I mean, a really sexual person would want his wife to experience the joy of different positions and take as much pleasure in seducing her as in the act for himself. I think perhaps you need to take a second look at your own sexual self and see if your internal hedonist is real. If you're stuck being passive and using it to martyr yourself in your sex life, it's imaginary. Perhaps you should work on how to make it real, for you and your wife. I think that means taking the focus off yourself and learning who your wife is as a partner, first.
posted by griselda at 2:08 PM on July 1, 2011 [6 favorites]


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