To what degree should I hang out with my partner's friends? What about "couple" friends?
June 21, 2011 1:20 PM Subscribe
In the past, my partner and I have had a casual approach to shared socializing - we have a lot in common intellectually and emotionally, but our work and our hobbies are pretty different. Also, I hate parties and my partner loves them. So we spend time together as a couple a lot, but we see our friends separately and don't usually go to big social events together--although we do go to weddings, holidays, etc as a couple. This has gone on (happily, as far as I knew) for years.
Last night, my partner told me that they feel that I don't like their friends, and that their friends feel that I'm snubbing them. Now, honestly, I don't feel like I really click with most of my partner's friends - nor do I feel like they get much out of talking to me. We're from very different class, social and political backgrounds - some of them are much posher than me, most have more education, most are degreed professionals, most are more conservative. I've had serious, uncomfortable arguments about politics with two of them. One couple has all but said that they think I'm holding my partner back from realizing their intellectual and career potential. I often feel gauche and ignorant around them. Some of them have really, really different ideas about gender norms than I do, to the point where I'm dramatically different in dress and affect from all the other women at an event.
In general, these are decent, unusually intelligent, often very funny and accomplished people with whom I have very little in common. I was, in fact, really surprised to learn that any of them could possibly want to spend more time with me, or even thought about me enough to have an opinion.
Also relevant - I'm a big introvert who also has some significant volunteer commitments.
So metafilter, my questions are these:
1. How would you feel if you were the friends? Would you think it weird if your friend's partner was never around except on big, big occasions?
2. What do you think could be going on here? Why do these people (apparently) want to see me? I'm a little concerned that this is mostly about their desire for my partner to fit in to their way of life rather than about any desire to talk to me.
3. Should I belt up and deal with this for my partner? If I'm not around, do you think it hurts my partner socially?
4. In your various opinions, what are appropriate parameters for socializing as a couple? What's the best practice?
I'm really torn, because I don't want to make anyone feel bad or to be rude but I also really hate parties and the feeling of being declasse.
Last night, my partner told me that they feel that I don't like their friends, and that their friends feel that I'm snubbing them. Now, honestly, I don't feel like I really click with most of my partner's friends - nor do I feel like they get much out of talking to me. We're from very different class, social and political backgrounds - some of them are much posher than me, most have more education, most are degreed professionals, most are more conservative. I've had serious, uncomfortable arguments about politics with two of them. One couple has all but said that they think I'm holding my partner back from realizing their intellectual and career potential. I often feel gauche and ignorant around them. Some of them have really, really different ideas about gender norms than I do, to the point where I'm dramatically different in dress and affect from all the other women at an event.
In general, these are decent, unusually intelligent, often very funny and accomplished people with whom I have very little in common. I was, in fact, really surprised to learn that any of them could possibly want to spend more time with me, or even thought about me enough to have an opinion.
Also relevant - I'm a big introvert who also has some significant volunteer commitments.
So metafilter, my questions are these:
1. How would you feel if you were the friends? Would you think it weird if your friend's partner was never around except on big, big occasions?
2. What do you think could be going on here? Why do these people (apparently) want to see me? I'm a little concerned that this is mostly about their desire for my partner to fit in to their way of life rather than about any desire to talk to me.
3. Should I belt up and deal with this for my partner? If I'm not around, do you think it hurts my partner socially?
4. In your various opinions, what are appropriate parameters for socializing as a couple? What's the best practice?
I'm really torn, because I don't want to make anyone feel bad or to be rude but I also really hate parties and the feeling of being declasse.
On the one hand, I would indeed think it was a little odd if a friend's partner didn't at least show up now and then, because there is a bit of an anti-social vibe that not mixing and mingling does give.
However, I think that what you've experienced from your partner's friends (feeling completely different from them, feeling introverted, having a couple of them flat-out say that you're holding your partner back) also should be taken into account -- I mean, those don't sound like people I'd want to be around either.
I'd maybe see if there's a compromise you and your partner could reach together - see if there's a way that you could start joining him more, but in settings that make you comfortable. Say, you hang out with just one or two other couples rather than a full-on party, so it's low-key and you don't have to feel like you have to be "on"; and then after you're a little more comfortable with those particular people then you can ease into joining him for bigger parties when you know "oh, okay, Cindy and Ted will be there, and I can always just huddle with them when I'm feeling uncomfortable".
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 1:33 PM on June 21, 2011 [3 favorites]
However, I think that what you've experienced from your partner's friends (feeling completely different from them, feeling introverted, having a couple of them flat-out say that you're holding your partner back) also should be taken into account -- I mean, those don't sound like people I'd want to be around either.
I'd maybe see if there's a compromise you and your partner could reach together - see if there's a way that you could start joining him more, but in settings that make you comfortable. Say, you hang out with just one or two other couples rather than a full-on party, so it's low-key and you don't have to feel like you have to be "on"; and then after you're a little more comfortable with those particular people then you can ease into joining him for bigger parties when you know "oh, okay, Cindy and Ted will be there, and I can always just huddle with them when I'm feeling uncomfortable".
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 1:33 PM on June 21, 2011 [3 favorites]
In your various opinions, what are appropriate parameters for socializing as a couple? What's the best practice?
Best practice is whatever works for you and your partner. What works for you two doesn't work for me and the mister and won't work for everyone, and you need to both sit down and figure out what that means for each of you individually and as a couple.
Should I belt up and deal with this for my partner? If I'm not around, do you think it hurts my partner socially?
You really need to ask your partner this, although it sounds like they've already told you it hurts their feelings. And belting up and dealing doesn't mean you have to do every social thing with your partner's friends. There's a happy medium to be found when you and your partner talk about it.
posted by rhapsodie at 1:33 PM on June 21, 2011 [3 favorites]
Best practice is whatever works for you and your partner. What works for you two doesn't work for me and the mister and won't work for everyone, and you need to both sit down and figure out what that means for each of you individually and as a couple.
Should I belt up and deal with this for my partner? If I'm not around, do you think it hurts my partner socially?
You really need to ask your partner this, although it sounds like they've already told you it hurts their feelings. And belting up and dealing doesn't mean you have to do every social thing with your partner's friends. There's a happy medium to be found when you and your partner talk about it.
posted by rhapsodie at 1:33 PM on June 21, 2011 [3 favorites]
I feel like you are underestimating yourself. In this post, you have expressed yourself in a tone that suggests much intelligence and class. And certainly, writing can be easier than face-to-face conversation, as you get certain time benefits; but, your writing (in this post) indicates you have some smarts. Perhaps your absence from parts of your partner's life makes his/her friends think the same about you that you do about them. Perhaps they are interpreting your absence as, "she thinks she is better than us." My partner and I are VERY different people, with VERY different friend sets; however, we do each take the time to step outside our comfort zones and explore each other's worlds. I think you should give the friends a try. Is it going to be uncomfortable? For sure. But, you never know. Once you get past the awkwardness, you might find you have quite a bit in common.
posted by AlliKat75 at 1:33 PM on June 21, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by AlliKat75 at 1:33 PM on June 21, 2011 [1 favorite]
Why do these people (apparently) want to see me?
Assuming your partner is the honest type and is accurately reporting what they said, then I always take what people say in these situations as likely truth until other evidence comes around. Most people tell you straight up how they feel.
posted by Ironmouth at 1:38 PM on June 21, 2011
Assuming your partner is the honest type and is accurately reporting what they said, then I always take what people say in these situations as likely truth until other evidence comes around. Most people tell you straight up how they feel.
posted by Ironmouth at 1:38 PM on June 21, 2011
First, have your partner read this.
There is a lot of complex things going on here. You don't mention if you have tried to explain to your partner that you are uncomfortable around these people. If you haven't, this is the first thing you need to do.
There is nothing wrong with not liking your partner's friends. So long as you don't actively (or inactively..) attempt to keep your partner from them, it should not matter.
I understand the desire to make your partner happy, but s/he needs to compromise on this with you.
(Please please please tell me you have told him/her about the comments his/her friends have made.. if not.. please do. If my friends said this about the person I love, I would be ticked off and I would talk to my friends and tell them those were inappropriate things to say.)
posted by royalsong at 1:39 PM on June 21, 2011 [2 favorites]
There is a lot of complex things going on here. You don't mention if you have tried to explain to your partner that you are uncomfortable around these people. If you haven't, this is the first thing you need to do.
There is nothing wrong with not liking your partner's friends. So long as you don't actively (or inactively..) attempt to keep your partner from them, it should not matter.
I understand the desire to make your partner happy, but s/he needs to compromise on this with you.
(Please please please tell me you have told him/her about the comments his/her friends have made.. if not.. please do. If my friends said this about the person I love, I would be ticked off and I would talk to my friends and tell them those were inappropriate things to say.)
posted by royalsong at 1:39 PM on June 21, 2011 [2 favorites]
This: "One couple has all but said that they think I'm holding my partner back from realizing their intellectual and career potential." is a really unfair thing to say about you and I hope that your partner stood up for you and told them they were wrong.
1) No, not if we had little in common. I would want to know my friend's partner better, of course. But it wouldn't offend me if we couldn't make it work.
2) I have no idea; their social group sounds very insular/easily threatened by people who don't fit in.
3) How does your partner feel about this? Do they want you to socialize more with their friends? Do they stand up for you or support you in getting to know their friends better? Being supportive includes finding points of interest that you have in common, smoothing over awkwardness that arises from differences in personality, showing their friends why they value you, etc. If they just want you to fit in with no help from them, it makes it easy for you to feel like your partner is siding with their friends. I doubt that would end well. So talk it over with your partner.
4) There's no best practice, just what helps you both be happy in your relationship and in your lives.
posted by millions of peaches at 1:40 PM on June 21, 2011 [2 favorites]
1) No, not if we had little in common. I would want to know my friend's partner better, of course. But it wouldn't offend me if we couldn't make it work.
2) I have no idea; their social group sounds very insular/easily threatened by people who don't fit in.
3) How does your partner feel about this? Do they want you to socialize more with their friends? Do they stand up for you or support you in getting to know their friends better? Being supportive includes finding points of interest that you have in common, smoothing over awkwardness that arises from differences in personality, showing their friends why they value you, etc. If they just want you to fit in with no help from them, it makes it easy for you to feel like your partner is siding with their friends. I doubt that would end well. So talk it over with your partner.
4) There's no best practice, just what helps you both be happy in your relationship and in your lives.
posted by millions of peaches at 1:40 PM on June 21, 2011 [2 favorites]
If I were part of a group of friends who got together frequently, and one friend's partner never came along (especially if other partners did), I would wonder what was up. One possibility I would consider is that the partner in question didn't care for the people in the group. Frankly, though, I don't think it much matters what the friends think; what matters is what your partner wants. The two of you need to work out a compromise on this issue.
One thing that's interesting here is that your partner said his friends think YOU are snubbing THEM, in other words, that you seem to think you're too good for them. And all this time you're worrying that they're too good for you! Everybody worries that they aren't smart enough, knowledgeable enough, good enough; remember that and you'll have more confidence in these situations.
posted by WorkingMyWayHome at 1:43 PM on June 21, 2011
One thing that's interesting here is that your partner said his friends think YOU are snubbing THEM, in other words, that you seem to think you're too good for them. And all this time you're worrying that they're too good for you! Everybody worries that they aren't smart enough, knowledgeable enough, good enough; remember that and you'll have more confidence in these situations.
posted by WorkingMyWayHome at 1:43 PM on June 21, 2011
This really resonates with me. I'm an extrovert. My wife is an introvert. I like parties. She does not. I'm from Canada. She's from Japan.
Socializing was a major issue when we briefly lived in Canada back in the late 90s while I was doing a second degree.
My wife hated going to parties, and when she did go to parties, she did not talk to anyone. Many of my "friends" thought she was snubbing them and were resentful. However, there were several of my friends that my wife could connect with. Usually these people were more friendly, curious, and inquisitive, and were good listeners.
Eventually we moved back to Japan, and had kids, so our socializing was different. Back in Japan we had a lot of friends we had both known for a long time, so the socializing issue dropped off the radar.
When we returned to Canada with children several years later, I initially tried to pick up where we left off with my Canadian friends. However, very few of them had children, and many were still living the same university life (I was in my mid-30s by this point) of going out to bars and, you know, having fun! However, their lifestyle didn't really mesh with kids, so I stopped hanging around with them.
Instead, we made more friends with Japanese-Canadian couples in our community, people who shared similar interests, challenges, backgrounds, and, most importantly, communication styles. That's been really important.
I think at some point your partner is going to have to choose between his friends, and you.
You, on the other hand, have to realize that your partner needs a social life. In my own experience as an extrovert, I get tremendously energized by going out and talking to people. I love it, and I need it.
So does your partner.
Perhaps you can both join a club (ballroom dancing) where you can meet a new set of people.
But it requires compromise from both of you.
posted by KokuRyu at 1:43 PM on June 21, 2011 [1 favorite]
Socializing was a major issue when we briefly lived in Canada back in the late 90s while I was doing a second degree.
My wife hated going to parties, and when she did go to parties, she did not talk to anyone. Many of my "friends" thought she was snubbing them and were resentful. However, there were several of my friends that my wife could connect with. Usually these people were more friendly, curious, and inquisitive, and were good listeners.
Eventually we moved back to Japan, and had kids, so our socializing was different. Back in Japan we had a lot of friends we had both known for a long time, so the socializing issue dropped off the radar.
When we returned to Canada with children several years later, I initially tried to pick up where we left off with my Canadian friends. However, very few of them had children, and many were still living the same university life (I was in my mid-30s by this point) of going out to bars and, you know, having fun! However, their lifestyle didn't really mesh with kids, so I stopped hanging around with them.
Instead, we made more friends with Japanese-Canadian couples in our community, people who shared similar interests, challenges, backgrounds, and, most importantly, communication styles. That's been really important.
I think at some point your partner is going to have to choose between his friends, and you.
You, on the other hand, have to realize that your partner needs a social life. In my own experience as an extrovert, I get tremendously energized by going out and talking to people. I love it, and I need it.
So does your partner.
Perhaps you can both join a club (ballroom dancing) where you can meet a new set of people.
But it requires compromise from both of you.
posted by KokuRyu at 1:43 PM on June 21, 2011 [1 favorite]
My suggestion is to reach a compromise with your partner, maybe you can hang out with his/her friends in an activity based setting where your conversations can be around whatever activity you are doing rather than opinions on current events or philosophical ideas. For example, if you're at a bbq, then most of the socializing is just small chit-chat and it's easy to get into disagreements with your partner's friends or feel left out if you don't have a lot in common with them. On the other hand, if you go to a movie together, then you can talk about the movie you have just seen together or if you went to an amusement park, you can talk about the rides, so that gives you common topics to discuss and makes hanging out with them more enjoyable.
posted by wcmf at 1:45 PM on June 21, 2011
posted by wcmf at 1:45 PM on June 21, 2011
If I was the friends I would think you were a little weird, it's important to at least try with the friends, this is part of a ltr. You also sound insecure, I am close with my SOs friends even though I am from quite a different background (isn't everyone though?).
With regards to the ones who are judging you though, thats pretty shitty. I did once have one of my SOs good friends tell me that while she was glad he was with someone (me) just to get experience she hoped he could eventually find a "real girlfriend". Anyways, I stuck it out and now this friend has warmed to me and is very nice. Maybe this is something you can just push past. Don't sell yourself short and think that there's no way they could like you.
posted by boobjob at 1:45 PM on June 21, 2011 [2 favorites]
With regards to the ones who are judging you though, thats pretty shitty. I did once have one of my SOs good friends tell me that while she was glad he was with someone (me) just to get experience she hoped he could eventually find a "real girlfriend". Anyways, I stuck it out and now this friend has warmed to me and is very nice. Maybe this is something you can just push past. Don't sell yourself short and think that there's no way they could like you.
posted by boobjob at 1:45 PM on June 21, 2011 [2 favorites]
I'm going to answer 2 because any other answers I would have would flow from 2. I like to know my friends' spouses/partners/kids/whatevers. Because I like my friends and I care about their lives and I care about the important people in their lives. It matters to me that their 18-year-old graduated high school, or that their husband got laid off, or that their baby is adorable, or that their dog has an ear infection. Because these people (and even pets!) matter to me by the transitive property of friendship, I like to know them and spend some time with them.
I do not like them all. I think one friend's husband is overbearing, a little sexist, kind-of a frat boy (in the bad stereotype way), and only interested in really boring things. But my friend obviously likes him a lot, so I am happy to see him and chat with him and look for things to like about him. (He's pretty funny. He's pretty generous with his time.) Also, it's probably good for me to socialize with people outside my core comfort zone, you know? You learn interesting things and meet interesting people whom you otherwise might have overlooked.
So, therefore, in answer to #1, I like it when at a partner-socializing event (rather than just a "core friend group" event), partners come along. I understand when they don't -- people are busy, hockey is on, kids have soccer games, work ran late, someone needs a nap. But I would think it was a little odd if I NEVER saw my friends' partners EVER.
However, anyone who says you're holding your partner back is a douchenozzle and should be friend-dumped. (BTDT.)
Also, sidenote, as a degreed professional with an impressive academic pedigree, I can tell you that some of the most boring and horrible people I know are fellow degreed professionals from exclusive universities. And some of the most interesting, intelligent, and worthwhile got GEDs rather than finishing high school. Only really insecure morons check other people's degrees before deciding whether to be friends with them. Or even care about it.
A couple specifics: "I've had serious, uncomfortable arguments about politics with two of them."
Don't discuss politics when socializing. I have many conservative friends and colleagues, and if they try to get me started I will just say, "You know we disagree about that, but I don't want to argue, I'd rather enjoy the evening," with a nice smile. I don't feel any obligation to pretend I agree, but I also don't feel any obligation to engage.
"Some of them have really, really different ideas about gender norms than I do, to the point where I'm dramatically different in dress and affect from all the other women at an event."
Unless they're highly intelligent, well-educated individuals who never left the backwoods while becoming highly intelligent and well-educated, this is PROBABLY not as big a deal as you think it is. It probably just makes you interesting. If I'm at some boring lawyer thing in my black skirt suit and white pearls and I see someone's boho wife come in dressed all hippie chic and totally standing out as a flower amid the dull compost-colored crowd, I'm not thinking, "*Scoff* -- what is she WEARING?" I'm thinking, "OMG CUTEST PURSE EVER, and I wish I could wear a top like that ..." (Or in combat boots. Or tattoos. Or a girl-tux. Or 50s revived. Or really anything other than a look that screams, "Hired escort.") I am a lot more likely to ask you where you got your super-sweet boots than to worry about how you express gender norms. :)
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 1:47 PM on June 21, 2011 [15 favorites]
I do not like them all. I think one friend's husband is overbearing, a little sexist, kind-of a frat boy (in the bad stereotype way), and only interested in really boring things. But my friend obviously likes him a lot, so I am happy to see him and chat with him and look for things to like about him. (He's pretty funny. He's pretty generous with his time.) Also, it's probably good for me to socialize with people outside my core comfort zone, you know? You learn interesting things and meet interesting people whom you otherwise might have overlooked.
So, therefore, in answer to #1, I like it when at a partner-socializing event (rather than just a "core friend group" event), partners come along. I understand when they don't -- people are busy, hockey is on, kids have soccer games, work ran late, someone needs a nap. But I would think it was a little odd if I NEVER saw my friends' partners EVER.
However, anyone who says you're holding your partner back is a douchenozzle and should be friend-dumped. (BTDT.)
Also, sidenote, as a degreed professional with an impressive academic pedigree, I can tell you that some of the most boring and horrible people I know are fellow degreed professionals from exclusive universities. And some of the most interesting, intelligent, and worthwhile got GEDs rather than finishing high school. Only really insecure morons check other people's degrees before deciding whether to be friends with them. Or even care about it.
A couple specifics: "I've had serious, uncomfortable arguments about politics with two of them."
Don't discuss politics when socializing. I have many conservative friends and colleagues, and if they try to get me started I will just say, "You know we disagree about that, but I don't want to argue, I'd rather enjoy the evening," with a nice smile. I don't feel any obligation to pretend I agree, but I also don't feel any obligation to engage.
"Some of them have really, really different ideas about gender norms than I do, to the point where I'm dramatically different in dress and affect from all the other women at an event."
Unless they're highly intelligent, well-educated individuals who never left the backwoods while becoming highly intelligent and well-educated, this is PROBABLY not as big a deal as you think it is. It probably just makes you interesting. If I'm at some boring lawyer thing in my black skirt suit and white pearls and I see someone's boho wife come in dressed all hippie chic and totally standing out as a flower amid the dull compost-colored crowd, I'm not thinking, "*Scoff* -- what is she WEARING?" I'm thinking, "OMG CUTEST PURSE EVER, and I wish I could wear a top like that ..." (Or in combat boots. Or tattoos. Or a girl-tux. Or 50s revived. Or really anything other than a look that screams, "Hired escort.") I am a lot more likely to ask you where you got your super-sweet boots than to worry about how you express gender norms. :)
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 1:47 PM on June 21, 2011 [15 favorites]
1. How would you feel if you were the friends? Would you think it weird if your friend's partner was never around except on big, big occasions?
It depends. Usually, it wouldn't be a big issue, but I have plenty of social circles where it's usually individuals, rather than couples, that hang out together. Many of these circles are based around an activity, e.g. kayaking. Other circles have grown up around couples, with few singles. Even there, if we're friends with your partner and not so much with you, it wouldn't be odd to me if you weren't there.
2. What do you think could be going on here? Why do these people (apparently) want to see me? I'm a little concerned that this is mostly about their desire for my partner to fit in to their way of life rather than about any desire to talk to me.
It sounds like it's an issue of social norms and expectations. Sounds like this is a crowd where everyone shows up with their s/o for a dinner party or the like. Not uncommon at all. Part of it may be that they feel like your partner must be embarassed or must feel like a third wheel. This may or may not actually be the case.
3. Should I belt up and deal with this for my partner? If I'm not around, do you think it hurts my partner socially?
I'm not really an introvert, but in situations like this I would try to accomodate my partner if it would make them happy. I don't think not being around hurts your partner socially, but I don't know a lot about the social dynamics of your partner's circles. In the world of law firms, I think the social benefits attached to one's partner go something like this:
BEST charming partner who cooks something tasty -----> partner who shows up but doesn't leave much of an impression = no partner present (with easy excuse, they have XX happening) ------------------------------> partner who gets drunk or obnoxious WORST
4. In your various opinions, what are appropriate parameters for socializing as a couple? What's the best practice?
None. Do what makes you and your partner happy. This may take some experimenting.
posted by craven_morhead at 2:03 PM on June 21, 2011
It depends. Usually, it wouldn't be a big issue, but I have plenty of social circles where it's usually individuals, rather than couples, that hang out together. Many of these circles are based around an activity, e.g. kayaking. Other circles have grown up around couples, with few singles. Even there, if we're friends with your partner and not so much with you, it wouldn't be odd to me if you weren't there.
2. What do you think could be going on here? Why do these people (apparently) want to see me? I'm a little concerned that this is mostly about their desire for my partner to fit in to their way of life rather than about any desire to talk to me.
It sounds like it's an issue of social norms and expectations. Sounds like this is a crowd where everyone shows up with their s/o for a dinner party or the like. Not uncommon at all. Part of it may be that they feel like your partner must be embarassed or must feel like a third wheel. This may or may not actually be the case.
3. Should I belt up and deal with this for my partner? If I'm not around, do you think it hurts my partner socially?
I'm not really an introvert, but in situations like this I would try to accomodate my partner if it would make them happy. I don't think not being around hurts your partner socially, but I don't know a lot about the social dynamics of your partner's circles. In the world of law firms, I think the social benefits attached to one's partner go something like this:
BEST charming partner who cooks something tasty -----> partner who shows up but doesn't leave much of an impression = no partner present (with easy excuse, they have XX happening) ------------------------------> partner who gets drunk or obnoxious WORST
4. In your various opinions, what are appropriate parameters for socializing as a couple? What's the best practice?
None. Do what makes you and your partner happy. This may take some experimenting.
posted by craven_morhead at 2:03 PM on June 21, 2011
It seems like maybe you should at least try to get past initial impressions and get to know these people better. Some of them, at least, appear to have initially thought poorly of you and you of them. But now you've been around a while, and so have they, so it might be time to try again to figure out why your partner seems so fond of all of y'all.
Which is not to say you suddenly have to go to every event and be On all the time, but maybe start going along a little more frequently, even if you have to leave early or go do something else before your partner leaves.
posted by Lyn Never at 2:12 PM on June 21, 2011
Which is not to say you suddenly have to go to every event and be On all the time, but maybe start going along a little more frequently, even if you have to leave early or go do something else before your partner leaves.
posted by Lyn Never at 2:12 PM on June 21, 2011
Can you accept, just as a thought experiment, that these friends' insistence on your presence is not about you, personally, but about pressuring your partner to conform more closely to their ideas about how marriage and socializing "should" work?
A family member was in your situation for years. I would often see her after she arrived home from these social outings and she was exhausted from keeping her opinions in, uncomfortable in what she had worn, unsatisfied with the conversation, and very, very much divided over whether humoring her strong-willed partner was worth it. Because it really was important to him. She had better breeding and more class -- though not more money -- than her partner's friends, and she suffered a temporary diminishment of self with each dinner or vacation. She made up for this in the rest of her life, but this remained a sore point with her partner, who thought her ungrateful for the (supposedly) delightful and expensive experiences.
She told me once that he and his friends were like a bus, and she felt like every invitation was a form of their chanting "Get on the bus! Get on the bus!" when she was truly not interested in allowing these others to dictate what she wore, where she went, and what she ate.
Getting on the bus is EXPENSIVE. It costs.
Strife with your partner does too. Is there a way you can send your partner to these smaller events with prepared lines? "Hey , Anonymous is volunteering at the shelter tonight, but Sarah, she wanted to ask you if you'd please send her that great strawberry pie recipe." Let your *partner* carry these connections, if that is important to your partner. Can you take separate cars to events, and/or perhaps arrive later? It might also help if your partner tells his friends about all of the great *highly conventional* things you guys do together. This question about being a good corporate wife might speak to you, and give you good advice for when you must be present.
I'm a bad professional wife, with an introverted professional for a husband. We both dislike parties, so I have nothing for you there. But please talk with your partner, and have a plan in place. This is a question that both of you should be answering with one another, balancing his need for professional acceptance with your need for personal peace and integrity. Good luck.
posted by MonkeyToes at 2:14 PM on June 21, 2011 [7 favorites]
A family member was in your situation for years. I would often see her after she arrived home from these social outings and she was exhausted from keeping her opinions in, uncomfortable in what she had worn, unsatisfied with the conversation, and very, very much divided over whether humoring her strong-willed partner was worth it. Because it really was important to him. She had better breeding and more class -- though not more money -- than her partner's friends, and she suffered a temporary diminishment of self with each dinner or vacation. She made up for this in the rest of her life, but this remained a sore point with her partner, who thought her ungrateful for the (supposedly) delightful and expensive experiences.
She told me once that he and his friends were like a bus, and she felt like every invitation was a form of their chanting "Get on the bus! Get on the bus!" when she was truly not interested in allowing these others to dictate what she wore, where she went, and what she ate.
Getting on the bus is EXPENSIVE. It costs.
Strife with your partner does too. Is there a way you can send your partner to these smaller events with prepared lines? "Hey , Anonymous is volunteering at the shelter tonight, but Sarah, she wanted to ask you if you'd please send her that great strawberry pie recipe." Let your *partner* carry these connections, if that is important to your partner. Can you take separate cars to events, and/or perhaps arrive later? It might also help if your partner tells his friends about all of the great *highly conventional* things you guys do together. This question about being a good corporate wife might speak to you, and give you good advice for when you must be present.
I'm a bad professional wife, with an introverted professional for a husband. We both dislike parties, so I have nothing for you there. But please talk with your partner, and have a plan in place. This is a question that both of you should be answering with one another, balancing his need for professional acceptance with your need for personal peace and integrity. Good luck.
posted by MonkeyToes at 2:14 PM on June 21, 2011 [7 favorites]
Oh -- I had something to say towards the "gender expectations" thing. Namely -- screw the gender expectations thing, and do what you want. Because sometimes that works out.
And by way of example -- one of my old boyfriends once took me to a party with all his friends; several of his friends were parts of couples, and were either married or otherwise involved with other women. My boyfriend's friends were all very much his same style of humor and eccentricity, so while I didn't immediately feel comfortable talking to them, I was at least comfortable being in the room with them.
And somehow as the evening went on, the room split into two halves -- all the women were at one end of the room, talking with one of their number who had recently become pregnant. They were discussing the maternity clothes she needed to buy and making suggestions where she could get them. Meanwhile, all the men were at the other end of the room, looking at the collection of goofy staged photos one of them had taken while they were on a trip to the Baseball Hall of Fame.
I was on the side of the room with the MEN. Because talk about maternity clothes with people I didn't know bored me silly.
And then the guys tried to take that opportunity to tease me a little, by showing me these photos to freak me out; they were all just very silly things, featuring lots of goofy fake blackmail poses and immaturity, and I knew they were trying to get a rise out of me so I just looked at everything calmly and said nothing. Then when they finally showed me one picture -- a row of all of them lined up and mooning the camera, I simply looked it over, then pointed to the one butt that looked a little familiar and turned to my boyfriend and said, "that's you, honey, right?"
...That's when they all nicknamed me "Coolest Girlfriend Who Has Ever Lived." And all because I decided I wasn't going to go along with gender norms by either a) hanging out with the other women, and b) freaking out like I knew they wanted me to. Sometimes just being yourself is perfectly fine.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 2:25 PM on June 21, 2011
And by way of example -- one of my old boyfriends once took me to a party with all his friends; several of his friends were parts of couples, and were either married or otherwise involved with other women. My boyfriend's friends were all very much his same style of humor and eccentricity, so while I didn't immediately feel comfortable talking to them, I was at least comfortable being in the room with them.
And somehow as the evening went on, the room split into two halves -- all the women were at one end of the room, talking with one of their number who had recently become pregnant. They were discussing the maternity clothes she needed to buy and making suggestions where she could get them. Meanwhile, all the men were at the other end of the room, looking at the collection of goofy staged photos one of them had taken while they were on a trip to the Baseball Hall of Fame.
I was on the side of the room with the MEN. Because talk about maternity clothes with people I didn't know bored me silly.
And then the guys tried to take that opportunity to tease me a little, by showing me these photos to freak me out; they were all just very silly things, featuring lots of goofy fake blackmail poses and immaturity, and I knew they were trying to get a rise out of me so I just looked at everything calmly and said nothing. Then when they finally showed me one picture -- a row of all of them lined up and mooning the camera, I simply looked it over, then pointed to the one butt that looked a little familiar and turned to my boyfriend and said, "that's you, honey, right?"
...That's when they all nicknamed me "Coolest Girlfriend Who Has Ever Lived." And all because I decided I wasn't going to go along with gender norms by either a) hanging out with the other women, and b) freaking out like I knew they wanted me to. Sometimes just being yourself is perfectly fine.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 2:25 PM on June 21, 2011
Last night, my partner told me that they feel that I don't like their friends, and that their friends feel that I'm snubbing them... I've had serious, uncomfortable arguments about politics with two of them.
You sound like you don't like your partner's friends, and you are snubbing them. Come clean! Be open with the fact that these social situations are unpleasant for you.
If I'm not around, do you think it hurts my partner socially?
Probably not, since your partner's friends are socially connected through your partner, not you.
Now, my answer might be a bit different if this were a professional situation and you had to at least make a couple appearances at professional functions every year with your partner. Then I'd tell you to "belt up." In this case, it sounds more along the lines that your partner's friends expect him to conform to a social model, and you're not enabling that. It might be that your partner has to be the one to learn to handle being the "different" one in his social group-- the one with a partner who isn't always around for every single social event.
posted by deanc at 2:25 PM on June 21, 2011
You sound like you don't like your partner's friends, and you are snubbing them. Come clean! Be open with the fact that these social situations are unpleasant for you.
If I'm not around, do you think it hurts my partner socially?
Probably not, since your partner's friends are socially connected through your partner, not you.
Now, my answer might be a bit different if this were a professional situation and you had to at least make a couple appearances at professional functions every year with your partner. Then I'd tell you to "belt up." In this case, it sounds more along the lines that your partner's friends expect him to conform to a social model, and you're not enabling that. It might be that your partner has to be the one to learn to handle being the "different" one in his social group-- the one with a partner who isn't always around for every single social event.
posted by deanc at 2:25 PM on June 21, 2011
I'm in a similiar situation, where I'm very much the introvert who doesn't really socialize much. Even though it kind of goes against my grain, I do think it's important that I try and socialize as a couple to the extent I can handle. My fear is that if my wife and I maintain separate social lives, that's the first step towards growing apart. Of course, this is just my view, and not meant to reflect on anyone else's choices. But it was a major contributing factor to the breakup of my first marriage, so I don't want that to happen again.
posted by Pants McCracky at 2:51 PM on June 21, 2011
posted by Pants McCracky at 2:51 PM on June 21, 2011
One couple has all but said that they think I'm holding my partner back from realizing their intellectual and career potential. I often feel gauche and ignorant around them.
I'm an introvert married to an extrovert myself. When I see these statements together, I wonder if maybe you are projecting a little of your own insecurity onto what they say or do? I really don't know any people who even consider 'class' or 'backgrounds' when they are making friends, certainly not for casual acquaintances, and I think you may be feeling more awkward about all this than is warranted.
1. It would be weird if there were social events that were important to your partner and you never went to any of them, yes. It would be weird if I were friends with someone and never met their partner, too. I'd probably wonder whether there was a problem in the relationship, or if the partner had a problem with me or the other friends.
2. If I like someone, and they have a partner they talk about all the time, of course I'd want to meet that person! Do none of your friends want to meet your partner? I actually would consider that stranger. I think they want to meet you because they are curious about you.
3. I think you should make an effort, yes, because your partner brought it up. That says to me it's bothering them. Have you thought of inviting partner's friends into your home? You might feel more comfortable on your home turf. Also, why not have a party with both your friends and partner's friends? Seems like you'd feel more comfortable. And if you aren't at a formal affair, where 'fancy' dress is required, you don't have to worry about what you are wearing and the whole gender norms thing. I don't get why this, or politics, need to come up. Ask your partner for good conversation ideas.
BTW, your partner has probably been mentioning you to them, and talking you up. They are likely predisposed to like you, if anything. There's no reason to feel like everyone is judging you.
4. Every couple has to decide this for themselves, but a good rule of thumb, I think, is to have some overlap between my friends, your friends and our friends.
posted by misha at 3:11 PM on June 21, 2011 [4 favorites]
I'm an introvert married to an extrovert myself. When I see these statements together, I wonder if maybe you are projecting a little of your own insecurity onto what they say or do? I really don't know any people who even consider 'class' or 'backgrounds' when they are making friends, certainly not for casual acquaintances, and I think you may be feeling more awkward about all this than is warranted.
1. It would be weird if there were social events that were important to your partner and you never went to any of them, yes. It would be weird if I were friends with someone and never met their partner, too. I'd probably wonder whether there was a problem in the relationship, or if the partner had a problem with me or the other friends.
2. If I like someone, and they have a partner they talk about all the time, of course I'd want to meet that person! Do none of your friends want to meet your partner? I actually would consider that stranger. I think they want to meet you because they are curious about you.
3. I think you should make an effort, yes, because your partner brought it up. That says to me it's bothering them. Have you thought of inviting partner's friends into your home? You might feel more comfortable on your home turf. Also, why not have a party with both your friends and partner's friends? Seems like you'd feel more comfortable. And if you aren't at a formal affair, where 'fancy' dress is required, you don't have to worry about what you are wearing and the whole gender norms thing. I don't get why this, or politics, need to come up. Ask your partner for good conversation ideas.
BTW, your partner has probably been mentioning you to them, and talking you up. They are likely predisposed to like you, if anything. There's no reason to feel like everyone is judging you.
4. Every couple has to decide this for themselves, but a good rule of thumb, I think, is to have some overlap between my friends, your friends and our friends.
posted by misha at 3:11 PM on June 21, 2011 [4 favorites]
I hate to say it, but I think your partner bringing up #3 to you in this manner means that the answer to those questions are YES and YES.
I don't agree with that, mind you--I don't think couples must be together all the time-- but my opinion doesn't matter in this case, your partner's does. And apparently to some degree, his friends' opinions do.
I think it's understandable that you don't particularly want to hang out with his friends if you feel like a nonstandard freak around them, lower status, not feminine enough or whatever, etc. I think it might possibly be a good idea to point out to your partner what they said about you before as a reason why you don't want to be their bosom pals on a constant basis. Saying that you've never felt like you were up to their standards and you've always felt like you're just Not Their Kind, Dear, is a good thing to explain under these circumstances.
But... they seem to want you around more. Even if it's like MonkeyToes's relative and it's to make sure you fit in the social "norms" and it sucks you dry to do it, that might just be something your partner needs here. Sad but true.
I think what you'll have to start doing is going to more events with them and socializing with them, but hopefully you can negotiate a compromise amount of this with your partner so you don't have to go to every single thing, every single time. However, I think this is your partner's way of saying, "I have A Problem with how things are," and you are going to have to do the compromise thing about it.
posted by jenfullmoon at 3:18 PM on June 21, 2011
I don't agree with that, mind you--I don't think couples must be together all the time-- but my opinion doesn't matter in this case, your partner's does. And apparently to some degree, his friends' opinions do.
I think it's understandable that you don't particularly want to hang out with his friends if you feel like a nonstandard freak around them, lower status, not feminine enough or whatever, etc. I think it might possibly be a good idea to point out to your partner what they said about you before as a reason why you don't want to be their bosom pals on a constant basis. Saying that you've never felt like you were up to their standards and you've always felt like you're just Not Their Kind, Dear, is a good thing to explain under these circumstances.
But... they seem to want you around more. Even if it's like MonkeyToes's relative and it's to make sure you fit in the social "norms" and it sucks you dry to do it, that might just be something your partner needs here. Sad but true.
I think what you'll have to start doing is going to more events with them and socializing with them, but hopefully you can negotiate a compromise amount of this with your partner so you don't have to go to every single thing, every single time. However, I think this is your partner's way of saying, "I have A Problem with how things are," and you are going to have to do the compromise thing about it.
posted by jenfullmoon at 3:18 PM on June 21, 2011
First: does your partner know all the stuff you've told us?
Second: I presume that his friends are all individuals, not Stepford Wives. So some will be jerks, some will be nice. As is always true.
It seems possible that some of the people asking after you when you don't show up are really asking "why is she violating social norms by not showing up?" Others might be genuinely interested in getting to know you better. You sound like you psyche yourself out when you're around these people—I wouldn't be surprised if some of the negative vibes your getting are entirely in your own mind.
We on Metafilter can't make any blanket statements about people we haven't met and that you've generally avoided yourself. We also can't make any blanket statements about what is "best practice" for socializing as a couple beyond what's appropriate for socializing as an individual. Don't talk about money/religion/politics. Don't get embarrassingly drunk. That sort of thing.
As to Q1, I might think it's a little weird if someone's partner never showed up at social events. But that someone should be able to cover gracefully—"Oh, she's got a lot of volunteer commitments and couldn't it." is perfectly reasonable and better yet, honest.
posted by adamrice at 3:19 PM on June 21, 2011
Second: I presume that his friends are all individuals, not Stepford Wives. So some will be jerks, some will be nice. As is always true.
It seems possible that some of the people asking after you when you don't show up are really asking "why is she violating social norms by not showing up?" Others might be genuinely interested in getting to know you better. You sound like you psyche yourself out when you're around these people—I wouldn't be surprised if some of the negative vibes your getting are entirely in your own mind.
We on Metafilter can't make any blanket statements about people we haven't met and that you've generally avoided yourself. We also can't make any blanket statements about what is "best practice" for socializing as a couple beyond what's appropriate for socializing as an individual. Don't talk about money/religion/politics. Don't get embarrassingly drunk. That sort of thing.
As to Q1, I might think it's a little weird if someone's partner never showed up at social events. But that someone should be able to cover gracefully—"Oh, she's got a lot of volunteer commitments and couldn't it." is perfectly reasonable and better yet, honest.
posted by adamrice at 3:19 PM on June 21, 2011
What do you think could be going on here?
FWIW in similar situations in the past I've come to the conclusion that people who "like to party a lot" are often just plain bored and agressively suggest that others should join them in the hope that their partying will become more interesting.
posted by southof40 at 3:20 PM on June 21, 2011 [2 favorites]
FWIW in similar situations in the past I've come to the conclusion that people who "like to party a lot" are often just plain bored and agressively suggest that others should join them in the hope that their partying will become more interesting.
posted by southof40 at 3:20 PM on June 21, 2011 [2 favorites]
One couple has all but said that they think I'm holding my partner back from realizing their intellectual and career potential.
If this is true, I think it's your partner that should be spending less time with them. But are you sure that's accurate?
You probably should go to some parties, yes. But your partner must have known you were introverted when you got together. You can move to her side a little bit, but she's got to rearrange her expectations, too.
posted by spaltavian at 3:21 PM on June 21, 2011
If this is true, I think it's your partner that should be spending less time with them. But are you sure that's accurate?
You probably should go to some parties, yes. But your partner must have known you were introverted when you got together. You can move to her side a little bit, but she's got to rearrange her expectations, too.
posted by spaltavian at 3:21 PM on June 21, 2011
Have you talked to your partner about this issue? Is he/she aware that you feel this way about his/her friends? The line "One couple has all but said that they think I'm holding my partner back from realizing their intellectual and career potential." is open to a lot of interpretation. I assume that means they haven't actually said it out loud, so have they definitely, unambiguously made that feeling known, or do you think its possible that you are letting your own insecurities divine this from them, when it is not meant? If they have definitely, deliberately made you feel that way then they are shitty people, and you should discuss how they made you feel with your partner. Or are they well-meaningly (but crassly) trying to tell you and your partner than he/she won't be able to climb the ladder at his/her firm without you two hosting dinner parties and playing the game? BTW I am totally making wild guesses from very little information about complex social situations, so please don't interpret any of this as an attack on you, I'm just theorising about what might be going so, to try and help you narrow down what you think is really going on.
Another topic for discussion - has your partner come to the conclusion that he/she thinks you are snubbing these people and feels sad about it, or has the idea been implanted by someone else, who is pressuring your partner to bring you to parties and events?
My reaction to this whole thing is that its hard to tell what is going on without more information, so my reaction ranges from "fuck these obnoxious people" to "its all in your head, they probably think you are a breath of fresh air!" or somewhere in between. But talk to your partner and try to find out what his/her perspective really is, and help him/her understand what your perspective really is. It sounds like there might be a lot of inferring and assuming and guessing going on.
posted by Joh at 3:28 PM on June 21, 2011
Another topic for discussion - has your partner come to the conclusion that he/she thinks you are snubbing these people and feels sad about it, or has the idea been implanted by someone else, who is pressuring your partner to bring you to parties and events?
My reaction to this whole thing is that its hard to tell what is going on without more information, so my reaction ranges from "fuck these obnoxious people" to "its all in your head, they probably think you are a breath of fresh air!" or somewhere in between. But talk to your partner and try to find out what his/her perspective really is, and help him/her understand what your perspective really is. It sounds like there might be a lot of inferring and assuming and guessing going on.
posted by Joh at 3:28 PM on June 21, 2011
One couple has all but said that they think I'm holding my partner back from realizing their intellectual and career potential.
Well that's clearly jerky and I'm sorry, if that's what this couple really meant. As others have mentioned, that's really something to discuss with your partner.
But I did want to comment on your feeling uncomfortable because you have different backgrounds, particularly re: education and professional careers. Because I am a big nerd and have big nerd friends, almost all of us have postgraduate degrees. My SO, who is Awesome, does not, and he expressed discomfort with that.
I don't want to brush off your discomfort, and don't want to discount his, but I do know in several cases he worried about it to the extent that he was stiff and uncomfortable all night. And that made everyone a little uncomfortable. Things are pretty good now, but I think that his relaxing a little was a big help. The idea of hanging out with smaller sub-groups is a great one, and might help you relax.
Not knowing your situation at all, I can't say if these people are really jerky or not. As others have mentioned above, they aren't all Stepford Wives, so there must be some real people in there you can talk to.
To answer your other questions, I would find it a little odd if an SO never came to events, but I definitely go out without SO and he goes out without me. So I'd probably not even think twice if someone only rarely attended events. But again, as others have noted, you need to find what works for you.
posted by lillygog at 3:48 PM on June 21, 2011
Well that's clearly jerky and I'm sorry, if that's what this couple really meant. As others have mentioned, that's really something to discuss with your partner.
But I did want to comment on your feeling uncomfortable because you have different backgrounds, particularly re: education and professional careers. Because I am a big nerd and have big nerd friends, almost all of us have postgraduate degrees. My SO, who is Awesome, does not, and he expressed discomfort with that.
I don't want to brush off your discomfort, and don't want to discount his, but I do know in several cases he worried about it to the extent that he was stiff and uncomfortable all night. And that made everyone a little uncomfortable. Things are pretty good now, but I think that his relaxing a little was a big help. The idea of hanging out with smaller sub-groups is a great one, and might help you relax.
Not knowing your situation at all, I can't say if these people are really jerky or not. As others have mentioned above, they aren't all Stepford Wives, so there must be some real people in there you can talk to.
To answer your other questions, I would find it a little odd if an SO never came to events, but I definitely go out without SO and he goes out without me. So I'd probably not even think twice if someone only rarely attended events. But again, as others have noted, you need to find what works for you.
posted by lillygog at 3:48 PM on June 21, 2011
I think part of the problem is that you and your boyfriend have made socializing with his friends an all-or-nothing proposition. Maybe if you try smaller things (like you and him having dinner with a couple that you don't think hates you), it will be less stressful.
posted by faster than a speeding bulette at 3:51 PM on June 21, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by faster than a speeding bulette at 3:51 PM on June 21, 2011 [1 favorite]
I'm... basically seconding what a bunch of other commenters have already said, but what the hell.
1) If it's the case that you really, genuinely don't like these friends, then you need to be (tactfully) upfront with your partner about this. This may still entail attending those Big Occasions such as weddings and whatnot, but... really, how frequent are these amongst a given circle? I'm pretty sure you can suck it up.
2) If this is more a matter of insecurity and not feeling like you fit into The Group, whether socially, politically, whatever, then you need to bear in mind that these people have actively expressed a desire to get to know you better. Granted, this may be for the sake of their friend/your partner, but still.
Ease into it. The way you do this is up to you, and how you feel most comfortable doing it. Maybe invite one other couple to your home for dinner plus [popular show] premiere or finale/movie/tipsy trivia. Or attend one out of every three gathering-type events. Or ask your partner to alert you specifically when there are couple-friendly/plus-one-expected things coming up. Go to things that are activity focused, e.g. cinema, live music, etc. - automatic conversation fodder. Comedy gigs are especially great for this; unless you go to something spectacularly foul or offensive, people generally emerge brimming over with both bonhomie and trendy cocktails. Organise a small party and/or night out with your partner, and invite members of your respective cliques that you think would mingle fairly well. Do something that's outside the broad experiences of both groups - inexperience and lulzy learning curves are the stuff bonding experiences are made of. Alternatively, just do something that requires both groups to make an ass out of themselves (charades, Taboo, etc.). Ask your partner to keep you both on the first-response list if anyone e.g. needs help moving apartment/house, or an emergency pick-up from the airport due to an unlikely incident involving a tin of soup, a small plush koala, and a shipping crate full of imported rice cookers. You get the idea.
posted by sophistrie at 4:03 PM on June 21, 2011
1) If it's the case that you really, genuinely don't like these friends, then you need to be (tactfully) upfront with your partner about this. This may still entail attending those Big Occasions such as weddings and whatnot, but... really, how frequent are these amongst a given circle? I'm pretty sure you can suck it up.
2) If this is more a matter of insecurity and not feeling like you fit into The Group, whether socially, politically, whatever, then you need to bear in mind that these people have actively expressed a desire to get to know you better. Granted, this may be for the sake of their friend/your partner, but still.
Ease into it. The way you do this is up to you, and how you feel most comfortable doing it. Maybe invite one other couple to your home for dinner plus [popular show] premiere or finale/movie/tipsy trivia. Or attend one out of every three gathering-type events. Or ask your partner to alert you specifically when there are couple-friendly/plus-one-expected things coming up. Go to things that are activity focused, e.g. cinema, live music, etc. - automatic conversation fodder. Comedy gigs are especially great for this; unless you go to something spectacularly foul or offensive, people generally emerge brimming over with both bonhomie and trendy cocktails. Organise a small party and/or night out with your partner, and invite members of your respective cliques that you think would mingle fairly well. Do something that's outside the broad experiences of both groups - inexperience and lulzy learning curves are the stuff bonding experiences are made of. Alternatively, just do something that requires both groups to make an ass out of themselves (charades, Taboo, etc.). Ask your partner to keep you both on the first-response list if anyone e.g. needs help moving apartment/house, or an emergency pick-up from the airport due to an unlikely incident involving a tin of soup, a small plush koala, and a shipping crate full of imported rice cookers. You get the idea.
posted by sophistrie at 4:03 PM on June 21, 2011
It's totally OK to hate parties. Would you be wiling to try getting together in a different context? If there is an activity that you enjoy doing, would you be willing to invite a couple of your partner's friends along? I'm thinking about going for a hike, a bike ride, to go apple/berry/pumpkin picking (depending on the season) going to a movie, a lecture, a concert? It seems like a fair compromise to include your partners friends while doing something that you will actually enjoy, rather than asking you to participate in something you don't.
The couple-friends thing can be tough. mr. ambrosia has a couple of college buddies that he wants to remain friends with, but who have married women who clearly don't want anything to do with us (as in, she didn't even come to our wedding, even though her husband was part of the wedding party.) The few times that she does grace us with her presence she manages to do/say something incredibly rude or dismissive. I've learned to not take any of it personally, and I mentally imagine myself to be an anthropologist, to view her behavior in a detached and clinical way. And then we can chuckle about it in the car on the way home, instead of letting it get to me. It's been a very useful tool for me to deal with the Queen of the Mean Girls.
Finally, you may think that you lack education or pedigree or whatever, but the way you write makes me think you would be very interesting to talk to, and you might give some of your partner's friends the benefit of the doubt- they may actually want to get to know you better.
posted by ambrosia at 4:10 PM on June 21, 2011
The couple-friends thing can be tough. mr. ambrosia has a couple of college buddies that he wants to remain friends with, but who have married women who clearly don't want anything to do with us (as in, she didn't even come to our wedding, even though her husband was part of the wedding party.) The few times that she does grace us with her presence she manages to do/say something incredibly rude or dismissive. I've learned to not take any of it personally, and I mentally imagine myself to be an anthropologist, to view her behavior in a detached and clinical way. And then we can chuckle about it in the car on the way home, instead of letting it get to me. It's been a very useful tool for me to deal with the Queen of the Mean Girls.
Finally, you may think that you lack education or pedigree or whatever, but the way you write makes me think you would be very interesting to talk to, and you might give some of your partner's friends the benefit of the doubt- they may actually want to get to know you better.
posted by ambrosia at 4:10 PM on June 21, 2011
All of which is to say, you don't necessarily need to go to Every! Dinner Party! Ever! to both remain within spitting distance of your comfort zone and to cultivate a relationship with your partner's friends that, while not BFFS4LYF, can still exist comfortably on that level of, "Oh yeah, [OP] - they're pretty cool. We're having a cook-out next week; if they haven't anything planned, you should invite them!".
posted by sophistrie at 4:18 PM on June 21, 2011
posted by sophistrie at 4:18 PM on June 21, 2011
I think the thread is already heading towards my suggestion - you can see these people infrequently and form enough of a connection without surrendering your sanity. But since I have a friend whose wife DOES NOT hang out with his friends after an unfortunate offensive incident, I feel semi-qualified to answer the questions. The important thing to remember, as has been said, is that these people are individuals. Some won't care. Some won't notice. Some will find it odd. Some are insecure and as a result actually think this not-a-big-deal is a big deal.
1. How would you feel if you were the friends? Would you think it weird if your friend's partner was never around except on big, big occasions?
I would find it odd, but not a deal-breaker or a judgement on the SO. I do worry a little about the health of the relationship. They should be able to have lives outside of the relationship, but they should also be accepting of each others' independent lives, not ignore them. But it is also None Of My Damn Business, so if I find myself thinking about it I have to stop. Similarly for your SO's friends, if the care, they need to stop caring because it is None Of Their Damn Business, and if any of them are bothered by you not showing up then it really isn't your problem or your partner's problem. All you need to worry about is whether the two of you are happy with the situation.
2. What do you think could be going on here? Why do these people (apparently) want to see me? I'm a little concerned that this is mostly about their desire for my partner to fit in to their way of life rather than about any desire to talk to me.
Extroverts like other people. They assume that everyone is like them, and more is always better. Which is to say, they just don't get your introversion, and they never will. Some of them want you there because they assume it will make the party more interesting and relieve their concern that you don't like them.
Moreover, some of them might actually be kind people who want to know you. In fact, I bet more of them than you think would really like to know who you are. They might not be looking for BFFs, but plenty of people enjoy meeting new people, because people are interesting and you can't make friends if you don't meet people. So they like your partner and they'd like to meet you.
3. Should I belt up and deal with this for my partner? If I'm not around, do you think it hurts my partner socially?
As has been said, "Should I belt up" can only be answered between you and your partner. If your partner has a need, then it is a good thing for the relationship (i.e., for both of you) to find a way to take care of that need, at least a little. That doesn't mean you have to go to great lengths and make yourself miserable, but you should talk to your partner. If they feel a need for you to come along, then maybe you can make some kind of minimum promise like once a month. That's only 12 times a year - not much - but if you show up and make pleasant, superficial chit-chat for a little while that might be enough for your partner's friends to feel like they know you. And as people have said, you could plan alternative activities - how about going out to brunch/dinner with just a few of the friends once a month? Much lower-pressure, a short time span, and it might be more your style. Either way, you can probably find a way to meet your partner's need in this area (assuming they have a need - you have to talk more first) without showing up to every stinking party.
"do you think it hurts my partner socially?" Is a different question. Your partner should be able to make friends without you. Requiring you to be on-call is unhealthy codependence (except for the big, big events that you are already attending). But as I said above, you two should be able to accept each other's lives outside of the relationship, and if your partner needs you to show up sometimes to show your acceptance of their friends then showing up occasionally or finding infrequent alternatives with friends seems like a reasonable compromise.
4. In your various opinions, what are appropriate parameters for socializing as a couple? What's the best practice?
Do what works for both partners. If one feels a need for the other to come to events and meet friends, but the other is driven crazy by those events, then a middle ground must be found such as occasional parties or other events with the friends in question.
posted by Tehhund at 4:51 PM on June 21, 2011
1. How would you feel if you were the friends? Would you think it weird if your friend's partner was never around except on big, big occasions?
I would find it odd, but not a deal-breaker or a judgement on the SO. I do worry a little about the health of the relationship. They should be able to have lives outside of the relationship, but they should also be accepting of each others' independent lives, not ignore them. But it is also None Of My Damn Business, so if I find myself thinking about it I have to stop. Similarly for your SO's friends, if the care, they need to stop caring because it is None Of Their Damn Business, and if any of them are bothered by you not showing up then it really isn't your problem or your partner's problem. All you need to worry about is whether the two of you are happy with the situation.
2. What do you think could be going on here? Why do these people (apparently) want to see me? I'm a little concerned that this is mostly about their desire for my partner to fit in to their way of life rather than about any desire to talk to me.
Extroverts like other people. They assume that everyone is like them, and more is always better. Which is to say, they just don't get your introversion, and they never will. Some of them want you there because they assume it will make the party more interesting and relieve their concern that you don't like them.
Moreover, some of them might actually be kind people who want to know you. In fact, I bet more of them than you think would really like to know who you are. They might not be looking for BFFs, but plenty of people enjoy meeting new people, because people are interesting and you can't make friends if you don't meet people. So they like your partner and they'd like to meet you.
3. Should I belt up and deal with this for my partner? If I'm not around, do you think it hurts my partner socially?
As has been said, "Should I belt up" can only be answered between you and your partner. If your partner has a need, then it is a good thing for the relationship (i.e., for both of you) to find a way to take care of that need, at least a little. That doesn't mean you have to go to great lengths and make yourself miserable, but you should talk to your partner. If they feel a need for you to come along, then maybe you can make some kind of minimum promise like once a month. That's only 12 times a year - not much - but if you show up and make pleasant, superficial chit-chat for a little while that might be enough for your partner's friends to feel like they know you. And as people have said, you could plan alternative activities - how about going out to brunch/dinner with just a few of the friends once a month? Much lower-pressure, a short time span, and it might be more your style. Either way, you can probably find a way to meet your partner's need in this area (assuming they have a need - you have to talk more first) without showing up to every stinking party.
"do you think it hurts my partner socially?" Is a different question. Your partner should be able to make friends without you. Requiring you to be on-call is unhealthy codependence (except for the big, big events that you are already attending). But as I said above, you two should be able to accept each other's lives outside of the relationship, and if your partner needs you to show up sometimes to show your acceptance of their friends then showing up occasionally or finding infrequent alternatives with friends seems like a reasonable compromise.
4. In your various opinions, what are appropriate parameters for socializing as a couple? What's the best practice?
Do what works for both partners. If one feels a need for the other to come to events and meet friends, but the other is driven crazy by those events, then a middle ground must be found such as occasional parties or other events with the friends in question.
posted by Tehhund at 4:51 PM on June 21, 2011
Mod note: From the OP:
Thanks for your replies, everyone. They've really helped me to sort out some of my feelings.posted by restless_nomad (staff) at 5:50 PM on June 21, 2011 [1 favorite]
As far as the "friends who think I'm holding my partner back" thing goes...I could have expressed that better. To clarify: a particularly high-powered couple in our circle would like my partner to move from [non-glamorous precarious field] to [glamorous, precarious field that would require years of training and moving to a new place]. To do this, I would have to support my partner during the training, then move somewhere where I would have few work options. If this were really important to my partner, I'd consider it, but they're not particularly into the idea. The couple in question has strongly implied that I am too uptight, have no ambition, am content with mediocrity and should stop standing in the way of a career that will use all my partner's skills. (Me? Oh, my job is just a McJob....I can easily manage a convenience store or something in New Location, since obviously anyone doing my kind of work doesn't have any preferences about employment.) Please believe me that there is no doubt about what this couple means - I can accept that I feel insecure sometimes, but I'm not making this up.
The high-powered couple are actually pretty interesting, but I tend to leave evenings with them feeling really bad.
I think my feelings about the high-powered couple have spilled over into my feelings about the other people. On reflection, I can't really see any reason not to try to socialize a little more with my partner's other friends; I think there may be a little awkwardness, but nothing that can't be overcome. I think inviting folks to dinner may be the way to go - many of these other couples have cars (which we don't) and live relatively far from us, so there's an additional layer of stress in terms of negotiating bus schedules late at night and so on. Plus, I'm a pretty good cook and can cow people with my brilliant display of gastronomy if I invite people over.
My partner and I have talked a lot of this through...they tend to laugh off some of the "[Partner] is holding you back!" because they don't feel that way at all, so it doesn't seem serious to them. (Which is, yeah, a great problem to have.)
Anyway, thanks, mefites...I will toast you (probably silently, otherwise it might seem a little odd) at my next dinner party.
As far as the "friends who think I'm holding my partner back" thing goes...I could have expressed that better. To clarify: a particularly high-powered couple in our circle would like my partner to move from [non-glamorous precarious field] to [glamorous, precarious field that would require years of training and moving to a new place]. To do this, I would have to support my partner during the training, then move somewhere where I would have few work options. If this were really important to my partner, I'd consider it, but they're not particularly into the idea. The couple in question has strongly implied that I am too uptight, have no ambition, am content with mediocrity and should stop standing in the way of a career that will use all my partner's skills.
I kind of feel that your partner should politely put an end to this speculation of theirs. It is completely uncool. It's probably less a reflection on you that the fact that if they are high-powered, they just can't possibly conceive of anyone passing up such an opportunity, so you must be the sticking point. It is still a rude thing for them to express to your partner. They can't be as well educated and classy as they seem if they indulge in that kind of thing.
Anyway, I think your plan of using your mad cooking skills is a very good one!
posted by oneirodynia at 6:05 PM on June 21, 2011 [8 favorites]
I kind of feel that your partner should politely put an end to this speculation of theirs. It is completely uncool. It's probably less a reflection on you that the fact that if they are high-powered, they just can't possibly conceive of anyone passing up such an opportunity, so you must be the sticking point. It is still a rude thing for them to express to your partner. They can't be as well educated and classy as they seem if they indulge in that kind of thing.
Anyway, I think your plan of using your mad cooking skills is a very good one!
posted by oneirodynia at 6:05 PM on June 21, 2011 [8 favorites]
To clarify: a particularly high-powered couple in our circle would like my partner to move from [non-glamorous precarious field] to [glamorous, precarious field that would require years of training and moving to a new place]. To do this, I would have to support my partner during the training, then move somewhere where I would have few work options. If this were really important to my partner, I'd consider it, but they're not particularly into the idea. The couple in question has strongly implied that I am too uptight, have no ambition, am content with mediocrity and should stop standing in the way of a career that will use all my partner's skills.
Okay, so, I had this happen early in my relationship. One of my husband's close friends was convinced -- absolutely convinced -- that I was FORCING my husband into a white-picket-fence suburban lifestyle where I would mooch off his higher earning power and keep him from living the bright-lights-big-city lifestyle he really wanted, doing a super-exciting, 80-hour-a-week job.
Here's the thing, and it's much like your thing: My HUSBAND has always wanted a white picket fence and a dog and a lawn to mow and a garden to tend. *I* was the one who wanted a more urban lifestyle (at least while we were younger) and loves the big city and public transit and living on top of other people. That makes my husband want to STAB PEOPLE IN THE EYE. And while I never minded long-hour, high-pressure jobs (with a time limit, anyway, and with an eye towards future family), he always wanted a more balanced lifestyle even at the beginning of his career. (And our earning power was about equal, and I was more financially stable when we got married.)
The short version is, this friend was CRAZY. Friend had an idea about my husband that had no basis in reality. Husband on a few occasions tired to disabuse friend of the notion that he wanted to live in NYC and go to Broadway all the time, but friend apparently couldn't hear this when he said it. These were all things FRIEND valued, so friend assumed my husband must also value them, because they were friends. Friend eventually tried to actually get him to call off the wedding (!!!) and that is when we dumped friend completely.
So I would try to have your partner say something to the high-powered couple about how s/he's not really interested in this. And you should feel absolutely free to stand up for yourself and say, "If this were important to my partner, I would do this in a heartbeat, but it's not, and I don't appreciate you implying that my life is in some fashion mediocre because I make different choices than you do." And you should absolutely feel free to friend-dump them if they're being assholes.
Anyway, some people pull this crap, and you are not alone in being on the receiving end of it. And it sucks and I'm sorry you have to put up with it.
In case you care, our compromise was that we moved to a city, but a small city. So I get some of the things I like about urban living, while he gets a house and a fence and a yard. No dog, though -- I'm allergic.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 6:34 PM on June 21, 2011
Okay, so, I had this happen early in my relationship. One of my husband's close friends was convinced -- absolutely convinced -- that I was FORCING my husband into a white-picket-fence suburban lifestyle where I would mooch off his higher earning power and keep him from living the bright-lights-big-city lifestyle he really wanted, doing a super-exciting, 80-hour-a-week job.
Here's the thing, and it's much like your thing: My HUSBAND has always wanted a white picket fence and a dog and a lawn to mow and a garden to tend. *I* was the one who wanted a more urban lifestyle (at least while we were younger) and loves the big city and public transit and living on top of other people. That makes my husband want to STAB PEOPLE IN THE EYE. And while I never minded long-hour, high-pressure jobs (with a time limit, anyway, and with an eye towards future family), he always wanted a more balanced lifestyle even at the beginning of his career. (And our earning power was about equal, and I was more financially stable when we got married.)
The short version is, this friend was CRAZY. Friend had an idea about my husband that had no basis in reality. Husband on a few occasions tired to disabuse friend of the notion that he wanted to live in NYC and go to Broadway all the time, but friend apparently couldn't hear this when he said it. These were all things FRIEND valued, so friend assumed my husband must also value them, because they were friends. Friend eventually tried to actually get him to call off the wedding (!!!) and that is when we dumped friend completely.
So I would try to have your partner say something to the high-powered couple about how s/he's not really interested in this. And you should feel absolutely free to stand up for yourself and say, "If this were important to my partner, I would do this in a heartbeat, but it's not, and I don't appreciate you implying that my life is in some fashion mediocre because I make different choices than you do." And you should absolutely feel free to friend-dump them if they're being assholes.
Anyway, some people pull this crap, and you are not alone in being on the receiving end of it. And it sucks and I'm sorry you have to put up with it.
In case you care, our compromise was that we moved to a city, but a small city. So I get some of the things I like about urban living, while he gets a house and a fence and a yard. No dog, though -- I'm allergic.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 6:34 PM on June 21, 2011
Look, I come from a pretty working class background and my husband's background is even scruffier than that. Lots of times we wind up having to socialize with folks who are doctors and lawyers and politicians.
My advice is to be yourself, and be comfortable with who YOU are. Decent people will like you, and not expect you to be anything you aren't. People who are otherwise aren't worth caring about.
Go to an occasional event and enjoy yourself-and quit expecting these people to judge you. And go google cooley's looking glass theory. You might find it verry interesting.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 7:12 PM on June 21, 2011
My advice is to be yourself, and be comfortable with who YOU are. Decent people will like you, and not expect you to be anything you aren't. People who are otherwise aren't worth caring about.
Go to an occasional event and enjoy yourself-and quit expecting these people to judge you. And go google cooley's looking glass theory. You might find it verry interesting.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 7:12 PM on June 21, 2011
In general, these are decent, unusually intelligent, often very funny and accomplished people with whom I have very little in common. I was, in fact, really surprised to learn that any of them could possibly want to spend more time with me, or even thought about me enough to have an opinion.
It's typical for the couples to all be going out as couples, and it may be disrupting some convenient sense of symmetry. On the other hand, they're curious about you and would like the opportunity for a working friendly relationship with you.
My SO and I love going out together, and also love that we skip out on the allegedly obligatory suffer-through-it-on-principles-of-couplehood thing. We've both got stuff that doesn't float the other's boat. Anyone who gives either of us a weird guilt trip gets a seriously cockeyed look. But we both make the effort to be available for acquaintance by the other's friends, too.
posted by desuetude at 9:59 PM on June 21, 2011
It's typical for the couples to all be going out as couples, and it may be disrupting some convenient sense of symmetry. On the other hand, they're curious about you and would like the opportunity for a working friendly relationship with you.
My SO and I love going out together, and also love that we skip out on the allegedly obligatory suffer-through-it-on-principles-of-couplehood thing. We've both got stuff that doesn't float the other's boat. Anyone who gives either of us a weird guilt trip gets a seriously cockeyed look. But we both make the effort to be available for acquaintance by the other's friends, too.
posted by desuetude at 9:59 PM on June 21, 2011
I haven't read all of the above answers, so forgive me if I'm repeating things.
But this topic resonates for me. My partner also doesn't like to socialise with my friends and feels he has nothing in common with them. For me this is generally acceptable, and I even joke with my friends about my "imaginary husband" or the fact that "my husband hates linguists" (most of my friends are, like me, linguists).
There are two things that occasionally annoy me, and so I discuss them with him, and he stops doing them for a while.
The first is when he lumps all my friends together in the same boat, including ones he has rarely met. E.g. "X? X is so boring. Your friends only ever talk about office gossip." But X is not in my office and does not talk about gossip, and he has only met him once and never had a conversation with him so HOW WOULD HE KNOW?
So be careful not to make assumptions about all your partner's friends on the basis of the ones you do know. Make the effort to meet new people at least once and TRY having an in-depth conversation with them before judging them as having nothing in common with you.
The second problem is that I sometimes don't feel like going to a social gathering with HIS friends, or having coffee with one of them, or whatever, but make myself go out of a sense of duty. Then the next time he doesn't come with me to one of my things, I feel like it's unfair and that he is getting off too easy. I have to keep reminding myself that no one forced me to socialise with his friends either, so it's not like he owes me or anything. You might want to examine how this works with you guys too.
posted by lollusc at 12:24 AM on June 22, 2011
But this topic resonates for me. My partner also doesn't like to socialise with my friends and feels he has nothing in common with them. For me this is generally acceptable, and I even joke with my friends about my "imaginary husband" or the fact that "my husband hates linguists" (most of my friends are, like me, linguists).
There are two things that occasionally annoy me, and so I discuss them with him, and he stops doing them for a while.
The first is when he lumps all my friends together in the same boat, including ones he has rarely met. E.g. "X? X is so boring. Your friends only ever talk about office gossip." But X is not in my office and does not talk about gossip, and he has only met him once and never had a conversation with him so HOW WOULD HE KNOW?
So be careful not to make assumptions about all your partner's friends on the basis of the ones you do know. Make the effort to meet new people at least once and TRY having an in-depth conversation with them before judging them as having nothing in common with you.
The second problem is that I sometimes don't feel like going to a social gathering with HIS friends, or having coffee with one of them, or whatever, but make myself go out of a sense of duty. Then the next time he doesn't come with me to one of my things, I feel like it's unfair and that he is getting off too easy. I have to keep reminding myself that no one forced me to socialise with his friends either, so it's not like he owes me or anything. You might want to examine how this works with you guys too.
posted by lollusc at 12:24 AM on June 22, 2011
Are you sure that when he says, "My friends think..." he doesn't actually mean, "I think..."?
posted by lemniskate at 4:34 AM on June 22, 2011
posted by lemniskate at 4:34 AM on June 22, 2011
High-powered couple sounds really unpleasant. Maybe all you need to do is just avoid them and that would make you feel more comfortable all around.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 6:43 AM on June 22, 2011
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 6:43 AM on June 22, 2011
I came across your posting as I searched on line for discussions on this exact thing. My Google search was "I don't enjoy hanging out with my husband's friends" in hopes that I'd find people with the same issue. Now that it has been several months since you posted this, I'm curious if you and your partner have figured out how to deal with it.
My husband is very much a group-friend guy, while I prefer doing things with just 1 - 3 friends at a time. We have been together for 5 years, and in the beginning I tried to go with him to his group activities, but I petered out after a while for several reasons, many similar to yours. The easiest reasons are simply that I don't enjoy the types of activities they tend to do together: hang out at bars all night (we live in NYC) or watch sports. The more complicated reasons are that I have to try to make conversation rather than it just happening naturally--I just don't connect with them. Some I don't like much, others are nice but there is just something lacking. I have always had an easy time getting to know people, so it was so confusing to me why I couldn't click with them. Then I realized that they never ask me any questions. That is why conversations are such an effort, there is not flow back and forth--just me trying. I guess they are not interested.
Of my own friends, there are people from all walks of life and interests, so it's not that we don't have enough in common. We just don't click. My husband and I talked about it and I asked him if he would be okay with me not going to all of his social things. He said no, as long as I didn't feel left out. We mutually agreed and it was great to be able to say to him, "have fun with your friends" and I would do my own things. We joke that he is "Independent George" from Seinfeld.
Over the years it has gotten to the point where I only go with him to events that are important to him (like his group's New Years Eve celebration) and I think it is starting to bother him. We do a lot together, and we make it a point to spend good quality time together, so I am perfectly fine with the way things are. But I think he is now bothered with what his friends might be thinking--that there is something wrong with our relationship or that I am weird. They might think I never do anything, not realizing that I do a lot, and that my husband and I do a lot together, just not with them.
I now feel more pressure to go with him, but I resent it because it's coming from what other people think, not what my husband really wants. He has been very happy for us to have our own things, and our together things. But now he is suddenly thinking I should do more with his friends. If we have enjoyed how our life is, then the "should" comes from what others think is "normal". If what they think is important to him, then he should just explain to them that he and I do a lot together and enjoy doing things as a couple, and that his time with them is what he likes to do on his own. What my husband does with them does not represent his entire life, so why should they judge our relationship based on that?
So, after all of that, I'm going to give my thoughts in answer to your four questions, and then if you see this, I hope that you'll share how things have gone since June...
1. How would you feel if you were the friends? Would you think it weird if your friend's partner was never around except on big, big occasions?
----If I were the friends, I would think to each his own. However, I do think many people expect couples to be together all the time. I know for a fact that my husband agrees with me that we are not like that, but his friends do think that.
2. What do you think could be going on here? Why do these people (apparently) want to see me? I'm a little concerned that this is mostly about their desire for my partner to fit in to their way of life rather than about any desire to talk to me.
----I think you're right, that they have an expectation of couples showing up as a couple. Also, it seems to me that your partner, by telling you this, is passively saying to you that he/she is having trouble with you not going. My husband is now doing the same.
3. Should I belt up and deal with this for my partner? If I'm not around, do you think it hurts my partner socially?
----This is my struggle. I don't like the idea of doing things I don't enjoy simply because he is worried about what they think. If it truly were important to him and him alone, I would feel differently and would make more of an effort to compromise. It should NOT hurt your partner socially if you're not there--why should anyone judge him/her based on that?
4. In your various opinions, what are appropriate parameters for socializing as a couple? What's the best practice?
----Socializing as a couple is only fun when everyone is friends with everyone. If you can meet friends that both of you connect with, then socializing as a couple would be naturally fun and an enjoyable side to your life. My husband and I do have a few mutual friends and enjoy activities with them. I find it is healthy for couples to have their own activities, as well, and until recently, his group has been his own thing.
I'm really torn, because I don't want to make anyone feel bad or to be rude but I also really hate parties and the feeling of being declasse.
----I'm not a "party" person, either, so it is not one of the activities we share unless the party is for an important occasion. I put it in the same category as how I love the opera and the ballet, but my husband will never go to one with me. Why should you or I feel like we "should" go if we have a great relationship with our partner? Going to parties together has nothing to do with our relationship, in my opinion.
The feeling you have of being declasse, or not of the same mind as your partner's friends says to me that you just don't click. I can't imagine that if you were to look at the people in your life whom you call your friends all think the exact same way as you, or dress the same way, or have the same backgrounds. Those things create acquaintances, not friends.
posted by js72 at 4:17 PM on February 2, 2012 [1 favorite]
My husband is very much a group-friend guy, while I prefer doing things with just 1 - 3 friends at a time. We have been together for 5 years, and in the beginning I tried to go with him to his group activities, but I petered out after a while for several reasons, many similar to yours. The easiest reasons are simply that I don't enjoy the types of activities they tend to do together: hang out at bars all night (we live in NYC) or watch sports. The more complicated reasons are that I have to try to make conversation rather than it just happening naturally--I just don't connect with them. Some I don't like much, others are nice but there is just something lacking. I have always had an easy time getting to know people, so it was so confusing to me why I couldn't click with them. Then I realized that they never ask me any questions. That is why conversations are such an effort, there is not flow back and forth--just me trying. I guess they are not interested.
Of my own friends, there are people from all walks of life and interests, so it's not that we don't have enough in common. We just don't click. My husband and I talked about it and I asked him if he would be okay with me not going to all of his social things. He said no, as long as I didn't feel left out. We mutually agreed and it was great to be able to say to him, "have fun with your friends" and I would do my own things. We joke that he is "Independent George" from Seinfeld.
Over the years it has gotten to the point where I only go with him to events that are important to him (like his group's New Years Eve celebration) and I think it is starting to bother him. We do a lot together, and we make it a point to spend good quality time together, so I am perfectly fine with the way things are. But I think he is now bothered with what his friends might be thinking--that there is something wrong with our relationship or that I am weird. They might think I never do anything, not realizing that I do a lot, and that my husband and I do a lot together, just not with them.
I now feel more pressure to go with him, but I resent it because it's coming from what other people think, not what my husband really wants. He has been very happy for us to have our own things, and our together things. But now he is suddenly thinking I should do more with his friends. If we have enjoyed how our life is, then the "should" comes from what others think is "normal". If what they think is important to him, then he should just explain to them that he and I do a lot together and enjoy doing things as a couple, and that his time with them is what he likes to do on his own. What my husband does with them does not represent his entire life, so why should they judge our relationship based on that?
So, after all of that, I'm going to give my thoughts in answer to your four questions, and then if you see this, I hope that you'll share how things have gone since June...
1. How would you feel if you were the friends? Would you think it weird if your friend's partner was never around except on big, big occasions?
----If I were the friends, I would think to each his own. However, I do think many people expect couples to be together all the time. I know for a fact that my husband agrees with me that we are not like that, but his friends do think that.
2. What do you think could be going on here? Why do these people (apparently) want to see me? I'm a little concerned that this is mostly about their desire for my partner to fit in to their way of life rather than about any desire to talk to me.
----I think you're right, that they have an expectation of couples showing up as a couple. Also, it seems to me that your partner, by telling you this, is passively saying to you that he/she is having trouble with you not going. My husband is now doing the same.
3. Should I belt up and deal with this for my partner? If I'm not around, do you think it hurts my partner socially?
----This is my struggle. I don't like the idea of doing things I don't enjoy simply because he is worried about what they think. If it truly were important to him and him alone, I would feel differently and would make more of an effort to compromise. It should NOT hurt your partner socially if you're not there--why should anyone judge him/her based on that?
4. In your various opinions, what are appropriate parameters for socializing as a couple? What's the best practice?
----Socializing as a couple is only fun when everyone is friends with everyone. If you can meet friends that both of you connect with, then socializing as a couple would be naturally fun and an enjoyable side to your life. My husband and I do have a few mutual friends and enjoy activities with them. I find it is healthy for couples to have their own activities, as well, and until recently, his group has been his own thing.
I'm really torn, because I don't want to make anyone feel bad or to be rude but I also really hate parties and the feeling of being declasse.
----I'm not a "party" person, either, so it is not one of the activities we share unless the party is for an important occasion. I put it in the same category as how I love the opera and the ballet, but my husband will never go to one with me. Why should you or I feel like we "should" go if we have a great relationship with our partner? Going to parties together has nothing to do with our relationship, in my opinion.
The feeling you have of being declasse, or not of the same mind as your partner's friends says to me that you just don't click. I can't imagine that if you were to look at the people in your life whom you call your friends all think the exact same way as you, or dress the same way, or have the same backgrounds. Those things create acquaintances, not friends.
posted by js72 at 4:17 PM on February 2, 2012 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by 200burritos at 1:31 PM on June 21, 2011