Which Father on Father's Day?
June 15, 2011 7:18 AM Subscribe
Father's day with family of origin or family of procreation? If you had to choose only one, which father's plans would you choose to do, father's or father-in-law's, if they conflict?
I'm married with a 2-year-old son. Father's Day is another Hallmark holiday that isn't necessarily important to me. My wife is very good at showing her appreciation all days of the year. So even without the day to celebrate, I feel loved and acknowledged.
That being said, I'll milk it for what it's worth.
Who should take priority in Father's Day celebrations? Me or my wife's father? (I know, it's like asking who's your favorite child).
Bonus Question: Is it inconsiderate to do something that I want to do, away from the family that has given me the honor of being a father, on my "special day?"
I'm married with a 2-year-old son. Father's Day is another Hallmark holiday that isn't necessarily important to me. My wife is very good at showing her appreciation all days of the year. So even without the day to celebrate, I feel loved and acknowledged.
That being said, I'll milk it for what it's worth.
Who should take priority in Father's Day celebrations? Me or my wife's father? (I know, it's like asking who's your favorite child).
Bonus Question: Is it inconsiderate to do something that I want to do, away from the family that has given me the honor of being a father, on my "special day?"
If I were you, I would send my dad a card, and then do whatever my wife wanted me to do.
posted by katypickle at 7:23 AM on June 15, 2011
posted by katypickle at 7:23 AM on June 15, 2011
Best answer: Here's what we do:
Family-of-procreation trumps family-of-origin. It's what we decided years ago and if our FsOO have a problem with it, no one has said so.
Basically, the kids and I (for Father's Day) let Dad call the shots. If that means he wants us to leave town and give him the house for the weekend, we do that. He does the same for me on Mother's Day. It works incredibly well, especially when the kids were younger and more work.
I disagree with hermitosis. It's Father's Day, you're a father; I think the day was meant to celebrate it however you want to celebrate it. If you want to go away and your wife is okay with that, do it! Do what works for your family. People sometimes look at us askance when we talk about our Mother's/Father's Day "traditions" but I don't really care. I like having the whole day (or weekend) to myself, if that's what I choose, and my husband feels the same way.
Basically, we honor the celebrant by doing what the celebrant wants to do.
posted by cooker girl at 7:25 AM on June 15, 2011 [6 favorites]
Family-of-procreation trumps family-of-origin. It's what we decided years ago and if our FsOO have a problem with it, no one has said so.
Basically, the kids and I (for Father's Day) let Dad call the shots. If that means he wants us to leave town and give him the house for the weekend, we do that. He does the same for me on Mother's Day. It works incredibly well, especially when the kids were younger and more work.
I disagree with hermitosis. It's Father's Day, you're a father; I think the day was meant to celebrate it however you want to celebrate it. If you want to go away and your wife is okay with that, do it! Do what works for your family. People sometimes look at us askance when we talk about our Mother's/Father's Day "traditions" but I don't really care. I like having the whole day (or weekend) to myself, if that's what I choose, and my husband feels the same way.
Basically, we honor the celebrant by doing what the celebrant wants to do.
posted by cooker girl at 7:25 AM on June 15, 2011 [6 favorites]
Like any holiday, it happens every year.
Like anything involving a young couple and their respective parents, it involves compromise.
Whatever your solution is this year, chances are the compromise will involve a different solution next year. You can't always get what you want.
posted by aimedwander at 7:25 AM on June 15, 2011
Like anything involving a young couple and their respective parents, it involves compromise.
Whatever your solution is this year, chances are the compromise will involve a different solution next year. You can't always get what you want.
posted by aimedwander at 7:25 AM on June 15, 2011
Ummm... are you your wife's father? No? Then there's no conflict. On Father's day, your wife's father takes priority for her; and you take priority for your son.
posted by yarly at 7:27 AM on June 15, 2011 [9 favorites]
posted by yarly at 7:27 AM on June 15, 2011 [9 favorites]
Your partner/wife is showering you with validation all the time. Skip the conflict this year and support your wife's preference. If you want to do something special for yourself next year (Father's Day is only a few days away from today), plan ahead with your wife and make special plans with the Father-in-Law on another day. Better to not hurt his feelings/cause conflict this year, especially when you already feel loved and supported by your sweetie.
posted by anya32 at 7:28 AM on June 15, 2011
posted by anya32 at 7:28 AM on June 15, 2011
Have the celebration for you on Saturday and for your father-in-law on Sunday. This way you both get to feel loved and appreciated and the extra flexibility on your part will earn you bonus points with both your wife and her family (which will surely make things easier for you in the future).
As for doing something on your own, are you talking about getting an hour or two at the driving range or going fishing for the whole day? A brief activity is probably alright, but you probably shouldn't be planning to spend Father's Day alone. (Furthermore, if you do want to spend it alone then why should your wife celebrate with her dad?) Notice that even Mother's day gift like a spa-day are usually meant to be used on a day other than Mother's day.
Cooker girl makes a fine point, if you and your wife agree that the celebrant gets whatever they want, then, of course, take the whole day. But notice that you'd both have to agree! The point of the day is not to make yourself happy at all costs.
posted by oddman at 7:34 AM on June 15, 2011
As for doing something on your own, are you talking about getting an hour or two at the driving range or going fishing for the whole day? A brief activity is probably alright, but you probably shouldn't be planning to spend Father's Day alone. (Furthermore, if you do want to spend it alone then why should your wife celebrate with her dad?) Notice that even Mother's day gift like a spa-day are usually meant to be used on a day other than Mother's day.
Cooker girl makes a fine point, if you and your wife agree that the celebrant gets whatever they want, then, of course, take the whole day. But notice that you'd both have to agree! The point of the day is not to make yourself happy at all costs.
posted by oddman at 7:34 AM on June 15, 2011
Like anything involving a young couple and their respective parents, it involves compromise.
But this isn't about respective parents, right? It's about going to the in-laws or staying home by yourselves?
I say go to the in-laws. You and your FIL can have a double celebration with three generations.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 7:35 AM on June 15, 2011 [2 favorites]
But this isn't about respective parents, right? It's about going to the in-laws or staying home by yourselves?
I say go to the in-laws. You and your FIL can have a double celebration with three generations.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 7:35 AM on June 15, 2011 [2 favorites]
"If you had to choose only one, which father's plans would you choose to do, father's or father-in-law's, if they conflict?"
There's no hard-and-fast rule. To whom is it particularly important this year? Are you a new father, celebrating your first one? Then you. Did your father-in-law find out he has cancer this year? Then him. Did YOUR father turn 70 this year? Then him. (In my family, if my 90-year-old grandfather gave even a passing comment that he'd like to see relatives on Father's Day, we'd be in the car for a 9-hour drive, because at 90 he ALWAYS takes precedence!) I mean, you're all adults, be gracious.
(And I'd have no problem with my husband saying he wanted Father's Day to himself, as long as we had a nice family breakfast or dinner so the kids could be all "yay dad!")
Also, if Father's Day isn't important to you and you view it as a "Hallmark holiday" and it IS important to your father-in-law, it's really childish to "milk it for what it's worth" if it puts your wife in the position of having to choose between you.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 7:43 AM on June 15, 2011 [13 favorites]
There's no hard-and-fast rule. To whom is it particularly important this year? Are you a new father, celebrating your first one? Then you. Did your father-in-law find out he has cancer this year? Then him. Did YOUR father turn 70 this year? Then him. (In my family, if my 90-year-old grandfather gave even a passing comment that he'd like to see relatives on Father's Day, we'd be in the car for a 9-hour drive, because at 90 he ALWAYS takes precedence!) I mean, you're all adults, be gracious.
(And I'd have no problem with my husband saying he wanted Father's Day to himself, as long as we had a nice family breakfast or dinner so the kids could be all "yay dad!")
Also, if Father's Day isn't important to you and you view it as a "Hallmark holiday" and it IS important to your father-in-law, it's really childish to "milk it for what it's worth" if it puts your wife in the position of having to choose between you.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 7:43 AM on June 15, 2011 [13 favorites]
This question is sort of confusing to me. From what I can gather, ALLLGooD wants to spend Father's day relaxing or having fun away from his family (perfectly normal - my dad took a lot of Father's Day Weekend mountain climbing trips), but his wife wants him to spend it with her dad? Maybe the wife would find it too much of a hassle to visit her dad with the kid in tow? (get a babysitter!)
Basically there's a lot of holes here. It seems like the perfect solution (husband goes and does his thing, wife goes and visits her dad) is self-evident, so there's some factor we don't know about.
posted by muddgirl at 7:55 AM on June 15, 2011
Basically there's a lot of holes here. It seems like the perfect solution (husband goes and does his thing, wife goes and visits her dad) is self-evident, so there's some factor we don't know about.
posted by muddgirl at 7:55 AM on June 15, 2011
In my house, I am King for the Day. Whatever I wish we do.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 7:58 AM on June 15, 2011 [3 favorites]
posted by JohnnyGunn at 7:58 AM on June 15, 2011 [3 favorites]
I have to come back in and support muddgirl's questions about holes in the facts. I think I made an assumption in my response. In my family, family cohesiveness on holidays is really important. You spend times together, not alone. My mom likes to be celebrated, but with her kids, for example, not on her own at a spa (so her kids go with her for a day) and the day involves a meal with the pops, and her parents (and we celebrate grandma). muddgirl reminded me that people have different ideas around that. ALLLGooD, is a split possible, or do you stick together as a unit? If it's a unit situation, because Father's Day is just 3 days away, I still think supporting your wife and planning for something different next year makes sense. If a split is possible, can you do something on your own for a few hours (or with your wife) as suggested by a bunch of posters above, and then end the day with your wife's dad, etc.?
posted by anya32 at 8:02 AM on June 15, 2011
posted by anya32 at 8:02 AM on June 15, 2011
So a few years from now, your daughter calls to say she's not coming to see you for Father's Day, and instead she's staying home with that shiftless, selfish slob she's just married against your wishes.
How do you feel?
posted by rokusan at 8:04 AM on June 15, 2011 [2 favorites]
How do you feel?
posted by rokusan at 8:04 AM on June 15, 2011 [2 favorites]
That being said, I'll milk it for what it's worth.
Maybe that's the wrong attitude to have about situations involving family.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 8:05 AM on June 15, 2011 [5 favorites]
Maybe that's the wrong attitude to have about situations involving family.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 8:05 AM on June 15, 2011 [5 favorites]
I think moms and dads currently active in the role of parenting take precedence. How about that theory? I haven't seen any family on mothers or fathers day since I lived at home. It's not a big enough holiday to merit flying somewhere. If one of you has a big plan this year then maybe do that. But above all, do what you can not to make it a "thing" to be upset about.
posted by amanda at 8:07 AM on June 15, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by amanda at 8:07 AM on June 15, 2011 [1 favorite]
anya32 - wow, you're right, I didn't even consider that some families make joint-holidays a priority (which is strange, because my partner and I try hard to celebrate holidays together - we just haven't reached the several-generations-of-fathers stage yet).
I think in this case it makes sense to, say, take Saturday for yourself and concede to spending Sunday with your FIL (or spend this Sunday with your FIL and next Sunday as Father's Day Part II), but then again I'm not in your shoes.
posted by muddgirl at 8:08 AM on June 15, 2011 [2 favorites]
I think in this case it makes sense to, say, take Saturday for yourself and concede to spending Sunday with your FIL (or spend this Sunday with your FIL and next Sunday as Father's Day Part II), but then again I'm not in your shoes.
posted by muddgirl at 8:08 AM on June 15, 2011 [2 favorites]
Since the particular day itself isn't a big deal to you, can you declare a different day to be (your own special) Father's Day and go off to do whatever you want to do on that day? And spend the Actual, Official Father's Day going to see your father-in-law with his daughter and grandchild?
posted by rtha at 8:12 AM on June 15, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by rtha at 8:12 AM on June 15, 2011 [1 favorite]
Father's Day is another Hallmark holiday that isn't necessarily important to me
Then if it is important to someone else (your wife, her dad, whoever) the nice thing would be to do what that person is hoping to do.
posted by Ashley801 at 8:19 AM on June 15, 2011 [2 favorites]
Then if it is important to someone else (your wife, her dad, whoever) the nice thing would be to do what that person is hoping to do.
posted by Ashley801 at 8:19 AM on June 15, 2011 [2 favorites]
We usually run ragged on ALL holidays. We don't have the guts to say "No, we are staying home this year".
However, if we had the guts, we would spend minor holidays, like fathers day and mothers day at home by ourselves.
I don't think it's selfish to spend time alone. It's father's day and you're a father. You can do as you please on your day.
posted by Sweetmag at 8:23 AM on June 15, 2011
However, if we had the guts, we would spend minor holidays, like fathers day and mothers day at home by ourselves.
I don't think it's selfish to spend time alone. It's father's day and you're a father. You can do as you please on your day.
posted by Sweetmag at 8:23 AM on June 15, 2011
Is your FiL a raging jerk or something? You don't really say, but I kind of how that you have some legitimate issue with spending time with your Fil. Because if not, that would mean that you're testing your wife's loyalty to you over her father over an arbitrary day that you don't even care about. Because that would mean that you want to deny your wife and child time to connect with your FiL, maybe make him feel special and loved, so that you can milk it and leave them alone to go and be a one man wolfpack.
posted by eggyolk at 8:27 AM on June 15, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by eggyolk at 8:27 AM on June 15, 2011 [1 favorite]
Best answer: This whole thing is turning out to be fascinating!
Some people spend all of their holidays with their entire family. Some people only spend major holidays together. Some of us spend minor ones doing what the celebrant wants to do, others do what the group as a whole wants to do. A lot of us don't mind going along with the family's wishes, but some of us resent it and wish we could go off and do our own thing.
It shouldn't, but it always surprises me at how differently we all view these life events!
Here's what I think you should do, ALLgooD: decide with your wife what you all should do. If it's super-important to her that she is with her dad on Father's Day but it's okay with her if you don't go along, do that. If she doesn't give a darn about it either way, then do what you want to do. If she wants you there but it's super-important to you to not be there, you need to have a discussion about what the compromise is going to be. Maybe this year you go along, but next year you don't, or you get to skip the next minor holiday with her family. There are a million ways this could all play out and the best way to avoid hurt feelings or family rows is to talk about it, calmly and rationally, and without anyone being a "winner" or a "loser."
posted by cooker girl at 8:35 AM on June 15, 2011 [1 favorite]
Some people spend all of their holidays with their entire family. Some people only spend major holidays together. Some of us spend minor ones doing what the celebrant wants to do, others do what the group as a whole wants to do. A lot of us don't mind going along with the family's wishes, but some of us resent it and wish we could go off and do our own thing.
It shouldn't, but it always surprises me at how differently we all view these life events!
Here's what I think you should do, ALLgooD: decide with your wife what you all should do. If it's super-important to her that she is with her dad on Father's Day but it's okay with her if you don't go along, do that. If she doesn't give a darn about it either way, then do what you want to do. If she wants you there but it's super-important to you to not be there, you need to have a discussion about what the compromise is going to be. Maybe this year you go along, but next year you don't, or you get to skip the next minor holiday with her family. There are a million ways this could all play out and the best way to avoid hurt feelings or family rows is to talk about it, calmly and rationally, and without anyone being a "winner" or a "loser."
posted by cooker girl at 8:35 AM on June 15, 2011 [1 favorite]
Best answer: While your kid is too little to notice, I think doing whatever you want on your "special day" is fine, but when he's older, it's kind of hard to for him to make you a card or a present, only to learn that Daddy wants to get away by the whole day by himself. There must be a balance there somewhere. (Also--Father's Day isn't about how your wife values you--it's about how your kids feel about you.)
And unless FIL is really unbearable, I think that your child will be enriched by spending some time with Gramps and clan, doing family stuff.
posted by Ideefixe at 9:26 AM on June 15, 2011
And unless FIL is really unbearable, I think that your child will be enriched by spending some time with Gramps and clan, doing family stuff.
posted by Ideefixe at 9:26 AM on June 15, 2011
Best answer: Did you do something for mother's day? If your wife got an afternoon to herself, then it's fair for you to get something similar--though maybe on Saturday if it's more convenient. If you treated mother's day as a silly Hallmark holiday, then you don't get to milk father's day for all it's worth. Same applies to family of origin. If father's day is a big deal at your wife's house, then go.
(In our house, parent-days and anniversaries are purely excuses to eat fancy pastries, and I'm somewhat astonished when my family remembers these days with cards. My family-of-origin, I write a nice letter most years and always phone. My husband's family-of-origin, a card, gift, or visit is really important. So it's highly variable.)
posted by tchemgrrl at 10:50 AM on June 15, 2011
(In our house, parent-days and anniversaries are purely excuses to eat fancy pastries, and I'm somewhat astonished when my family remembers these days with cards. My family-of-origin, I write a nice letter most years and always phone. My husband's family-of-origin, a card, gift, or visit is really important. So it's highly variable.)
posted by tchemgrrl at 10:50 AM on June 15, 2011
Response by poster: Wow! I totally did not expect a response like this!!! This was my first ever question to AskMefi. Thanks everyone for your different perspectives.
I now realize that in my goal of trying to be succinct (and a bit humorous), the community would have to fill in the holes with assumptions. Without enough background, I can see why people have responded the way they have.
First, about the bonus question...I wasn't thinking about ditching the fam entirely. I don't have enough time with them to beginning with. I was thinking more on the lines of a self-care activity that could replenish my energy, so that I could be more present with them.
Second, I love my FIL and love hanging out with him.
Third, my wife and I do communicate/negotiate/compromise rather well. It had already been decided that we were going to hang out with the FIL, also the grandfather of my child, until after lunch. Then spend time alone with our nuclear family.
Every family has their own beliefs and values. There is no right or wrong, just agrees or disagrees. But the fact still stands...without them, I would not be a father.
posted by ALLLGooD at 11:15 AM on June 15, 2011 [2 favorites]
I now realize that in my goal of trying to be succinct (and a bit humorous), the community would have to fill in the holes with assumptions. Without enough background, I can see why people have responded the way they have.
First, about the bonus question...I wasn't thinking about ditching the fam entirely. I don't have enough time with them to beginning with. I was thinking more on the lines of a self-care activity that could replenish my energy, so that I could be more present with them.
Second, I love my FIL and love hanging out with him.
Third, my wife and I do communicate/negotiate/compromise rather well. It had already been decided that we were going to hang out with the FIL, also the grandfather of my child, until after lunch. Then spend time alone with our nuclear family.
Every family has their own beliefs and values. There is no right or wrong, just agrees or disagrees. But the fact still stands...without them, I would not be a father.
posted by ALLLGooD at 11:15 AM on June 15, 2011 [2 favorites]
I am aware that for many people, XXXXX's day is the day when each of us should be doing something nice for anybody close to us who happens to be an XXXXX. This strikes me as a sure-fire recipe for unnecessary conflict and drama. It seems far better to me to consider XXXXX's day to be the day when each of us should be doing something nice for our own XXXXX.
So, the question you need to be asking on Father's Day is not "I'm a father; what should be happening to me today?" but "What can I do today that would be good for my Dad?"
What should happen to you on Father's Day is for your two-year-old to decide. Good luck with that :-)
posted by flabdablet at 6:04 PM on June 15, 2011 [2 favorites]
So, the question you need to be asking on Father's Day is not "I'm a father; what should be happening to me today?" but "What can I do today that would be good for my Dad?"
What should happen to you on Father's Day is for your two-year-old to decide. Good luck with that :-)
posted by flabdablet at 6:04 PM on June 15, 2011 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: Flabdablet...we'll be eating macaroni and cheese, watching Thomas the Tank Engine, and driving his mom crazy, all day. :P hahahaha
posted by ALLLGooD at 6:30 AM on June 16, 2011
posted by ALLLGooD at 6:30 AM on June 16, 2011
This thread is closed to new comments.
Yes. The day is meant for you to celebrate others, not yourself. That you will also be celebrated by others as you do so is a bonus.
If you don't really care about receiving appreciation on the holiday, then it's an excellent opportunity to offer appreciation to people like your FIL.
posted by hermitosis at 7:22 AM on June 15, 2011 [3 favorites]