How do you get over a past lover - or should you?
June 10, 2011 9:55 AM Subscribe
Has anyone had the experience of not being able to forget a past lover (in a present relationship) and so you returned to the past lover, and you were right -- that was the place you were supposed to be? There is someone I cannot forget, three years after breaking up with him.
I am happy where I am, too, but not a day has gone by... as they say.
It has happened to me in the past (I'm 36 now) that I broke up with someone at 20, and then for many many years thought about them every day, through other relationships... I know there's no one you're "meant" to be with, but perhaps this persistance of the other person in your head is telling you that that's a better place for you? Or is it better explained some other way; "just the way life is" and our duty is to get on with things, to move on... is it just fantasy, intruding into the difficulty of leading an actual life with someone, and the inevitable complications that arise? I am pretty sure I am looking back with rosy-coloured glasses.
Also: I don't even know if there's a chance of this person taking me back. He is with someone, and I would not want to do anything to break up what may well be his great happiness with this person. So this is not really a question about *should I take action* but have other people taken action in similar circumstances, and what were the consequences?
I really just want to know what experiences other people have had with this kind of -- what would you call it? Brain rut? Obsession? OCD tick? I am the sort of person to worry over things and brood.
BTW, I did break up with this other person who I have not been able to get out of my mind. And same with the man at 20. My friends tell me to forget about it, that this new relationship is much healthier and more balanced, and that I had all the power in the other one (probably true) but what if they're wrong?
I am happy where I am, too, but not a day has gone by... as they say.
It has happened to me in the past (I'm 36 now) that I broke up with someone at 20, and then for many many years thought about them every day, through other relationships... I know there's no one you're "meant" to be with, but perhaps this persistance of the other person in your head is telling you that that's a better place for you? Or is it better explained some other way; "just the way life is" and our duty is to get on with things, to move on... is it just fantasy, intruding into the difficulty of leading an actual life with someone, and the inevitable complications that arise? I am pretty sure I am looking back with rosy-coloured glasses.
Also: I don't even know if there's a chance of this person taking me back. He is with someone, and I would not want to do anything to break up what may well be his great happiness with this person. So this is not really a question about *should I take action* but have other people taken action in similar circumstances, and what were the consequences?
I really just want to know what experiences other people have had with this kind of -- what would you call it? Brain rut? Obsession? OCD tick? I am the sort of person to worry over things and brood.
BTW, I did break up with this other person who I have not been able to get out of my mind. And same with the man at 20. My friends tell me to forget about it, that this new relationship is much healthier and more balanced, and that I had all the power in the other one (probably true) but what if they're wrong?
Best answer: Say, for a second, against all odds, you guys get back together: What do you hope to gain from this relationship? What was lacking the first time such that you broke it off? I think you're going to find your answers to these questions will steer you in the right direction.
Frankly, I think it's pure fantasy. Time to move forward.
Perhaps make a list of the qualities that person had and try to keep those in mind in your future dating?
posted by PsuDab93 at 10:04 AM on June 10, 2011
Frankly, I think it's pure fantasy. Time to move forward.
Perhaps make a list of the qualities that person had and try to keep those in mind in your future dating?
posted by PsuDab93 at 10:04 AM on June 10, 2011
Best answer: Yes, I've done exactly as you describe and finally moved mountains to reunite.
A great adventure, but so not worth it! I mean, I resolved many lingering doubts, and I managed to marry a WONDERFUL person in the process and we just had our first child.... And I now also have a stalker and a guilty conscience for some of the things I did when moving mountains. I gave up a lot (career, city, country) to try and reunite with the person who is now my stalker.
Wait. What was the question??
I guess I am saying that It ended up great for me, and persuing that nagging desire led me places that I never would have otherwise... Just be aware the price of following this desire may be very very very high.
posted by jbenben at 10:06 AM on June 10, 2011 [4 favorites]
A great adventure, but so not worth it! I mean, I resolved many lingering doubts, and I managed to marry a WONDERFUL person in the process and we just had our first child.... And I now also have a stalker and a guilty conscience for some of the things I did when moving mountains. I gave up a lot (career, city, country) to try and reunite with the person who is now my stalker.
Wait. What was the question??
I guess I am saying that It ended up great for me, and persuing that nagging desire led me places that I never would have otherwise... Just be aware the price of following this desire may be very very very high.
posted by jbenben at 10:06 AM on June 10, 2011 [4 favorites]
Best answer: I rejoined with someone I was pining after, after about a year and a half apart. We dated for another 4 or 5 years, the first year of which was GREAT, and the last of which I look back on with intense regret as wasted time.
YMMV.
posted by rosa at 10:14 AM on June 10, 2011
YMMV.
posted by rosa at 10:14 AM on June 10, 2011
Sixteen years is a long time. It's totally possible that the two of you are star-crossed lovers, meant to be together, but the difference between twenty and thirty-six is not to be overlooked. You are a different person now, and you would be dating a different person. It will not be a restoration of the same relationship you remember from two decades ago.
posted by verb at 10:20 AM on June 10, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by verb at 10:20 AM on June 10, 2011 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: hi Verb, you've misunderstood; the person I longed for at twenty is a different person from the one who I am speaking of now, who I broke up with just a few years ago (and have seen in the intervening years).
posted by Clotilde at 10:22 AM on June 10, 2011
posted by Clotilde at 10:22 AM on June 10, 2011
It may not be pure fantasy, but it may be impossible. People change, and the person you were with probably isn't the person they were when with you, even if you got back together.
I think there's this pervasive romance narrative that certain relationships are "meant to be" and can be recreated if they fail/end - and if they can't be recreated, that proves that they weren't "meant to be", and therefore weren't especially special. But actually, sometimes we break up relationships when we should have stayed, and there's no way back and we just have to move on to a new situation. It's sad when that happens, and important perhaps to say "that was a mistake". But that doesn't mean that it can be recuperated.
posted by Frowner at 10:25 AM on June 10, 2011 [3 favorites]
I think there's this pervasive romance narrative that certain relationships are "meant to be" and can be recreated if they fail/end - and if they can't be recreated, that proves that they weren't "meant to be", and therefore weren't especially special. But actually, sometimes we break up relationships when we should have stayed, and there's no way back and we just have to move on to a new situation. It's sad when that happens, and important perhaps to say "that was a mistake". But that doesn't mean that it can be recuperated.
posted by Frowner at 10:25 AM on June 10, 2011 [3 favorites]
Best answer: I found it helpful to analyse what I was actually really pining for. In my case, it was the intensity brought about by the sheer, unrelenting drama of the previous relationship. When I then thought about the question "Do I really want more drama in my life?" the answer was "hell, no." That helped. I did, however, realise that I missed hot, hot makeup sex, which was missing in my next relationship because we never broke up to make up, or even ever fought. That was an addressable issue that actually had *nothing to do* with previous partner.
So, I would encourage you to really clinically look at what that person or that time in your life represents to you, and figure out if you can get those things now, or if in fact, you don't actually need them any more.
posted by DarlingBri at 10:25 AM on June 10, 2011 [2 favorites]
So, I would encourage you to really clinically look at what that person or that time in your life represents to you, and figure out if you can get those things now, or if in fact, you don't actually need them any more.
posted by DarlingBri at 10:25 AM on June 10, 2011 [2 favorites]
I've chosen not to get over something. It doesn't feel finished, and I honestly know if I flew across the country and said "Can we talk? ...would you mind coming downstairs?" we'd have another adventure.
But not going to do that. Sometimes, you just don't want to for one of a few reasons. It's not the worst thing in the world, but I wouldn't recommend it. I'd do what DarlingBri suggested instead.
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 10:28 AM on June 10, 2011 [2 favorites]
But not going to do that. Sometimes, you just don't want to for one of a few reasons. It's not the worst thing in the world, but I wouldn't recommend it. I'd do what DarlingBri suggested instead.
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 10:28 AM on June 10, 2011 [2 favorites]
It's fine and even fun to fantasize about past lovers. You can focus on all their desirable qualities and leave out all the parts of the relationship that didn't work. This can be a fun past time, but it has nothing to do with who that past lover actually is, or what it would be like to be with them again in real life.
posted by alms at 10:31 AM on June 10, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by alms at 10:31 AM on June 10, 2011 [1 favorite]
I meant not getting over it is not the worst thing in the world, but I would not recommend it. I'm an awful double negative user. Though flying across the country to spark something is also not that bad.
Try to figure out and be honest with yourself why you're unhappy and dwelling on these people in your past.
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 10:34 AM on June 10, 2011
Try to figure out and be honest with yourself why you're unhappy and dwelling on these people in your past.
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 10:34 AM on June 10, 2011
I would venture to say that it is the *very* rare exception that the reunited relationship lasts.
I have a deep and abiding love for someone whom I split with for exceedingly valid reasons. We tried it again and while it was comfortable and warm and mostly wonderful, it wasn't right. Neither of us were getting our real needs met.
Just because something feels unresolved doesn't mean the resolution is a life long happiness. Sometimes it's just more heartache.
posted by FlamingBore at 10:38 AM on June 10, 2011 [4 favorites]
I have a deep and abiding love for someone whom I split with for exceedingly valid reasons. We tried it again and while it was comfortable and warm and mostly wonderful, it wasn't right. Neither of us were getting our real needs met.
Just because something feels unresolved doesn't mean the resolution is a life long happiness. Sometimes it's just more heartache.
posted by FlamingBore at 10:38 AM on June 10, 2011 [4 favorites]
Think of it this way, this person has the same potential for 'good' or 'bad' as any other relationship you might have. If anything, less so (you've already broken up in the past). Some of the 'tug' you are experiencing might be due to idealizing or romanticizing the memory of that relationship. But, in purely practical terms, your past with him can't add anything in terms of potential 'success' for a relationship, happiness or love: After fifteen years he isn't the same person anymore (neither are you).
posted by marimeko at 10:38 AM on June 10, 2011
posted by marimeko at 10:38 AM on June 10, 2011
I'm sure, ultimately, the answer to this question is yes - somewhere, at some time, someone has gotten back together with a past lover and had the relationship work out on the second try.
But as far as whether it's a generally good idea? I think past relationships almost inevitably seem more exciting and passionate than whatever current relationship you happen to be in, since your current relationship includes the day to day annoyances and mundanity of everyday life, while past relationships have a tendency to be viewed through the filtered lens of selective memory. Combine that with the perceived romance and drama of viewing yourself as part of a pair of star-crossed lovers and it's easy for this to venture off into a fantasy that has very little bearing on your actual long-term compatibility with your ex.
posted by The Gooch at 10:48 AM on June 10, 2011 [7 favorites]
But as far as whether it's a generally good idea? I think past relationships almost inevitably seem more exciting and passionate than whatever current relationship you happen to be in, since your current relationship includes the day to day annoyances and mundanity of everyday life, while past relationships have a tendency to be viewed through the filtered lens of selective memory. Combine that with the perceived romance and drama of viewing yourself as part of a pair of star-crossed lovers and it's easy for this to venture off into a fantasy that has very little bearing on your actual long-term compatibility with your ex.
posted by The Gooch at 10:48 AM on June 10, 2011 [7 favorites]
I found that I was tied to the person because I wasn't ready to let go of what they represented in my life. I mistook the individual for the greater idea of what I wanted. I pushed to get back together and then as time passed I realized they were not the embodiment of that ideal and I let go naturally, and the relationship ended a second time. It was selfish of me to hold on until I had the ending on my terms, and it hurt them more than me in the end.
I've learned it is wise to trust that other person to do what is best and right for them, including seeking their future with someone else (or returning to you). If you can't trust them like that, is it because you only want them to satisfy a selfish need of yours? It's a bit of a paradox that if you really love someone you will be happy for their happiness, even if they don't find it with you. They don't put that in the fairytales.
posted by griselda at 11:00 AM on June 10, 2011 [2 favorites]
I've learned it is wise to trust that other person to do what is best and right for them, including seeking their future with someone else (or returning to you). If you can't trust them like that, is it because you only want them to satisfy a selfish need of yours? It's a bit of a paradox that if you really love someone you will be happy for their happiness, even if they don't find it with you. They don't put that in the fairytales.
posted by griselda at 11:00 AM on June 10, 2011 [2 favorites]
Best answer: I've been there (a long time ago, and I grew out of this pining phase well before I met my current fiancé) but here is my objective take on the matter:
The relationships we have when we're 20 are fundamentally different than the ones we have when we're much older. When we're 20, our brains are still flush with the hormones of adolescence (see here) and we Feel Things in this highly intense, limerance-esque bubble. We're also free of all the adult trappings that make real relationships so hard. When we're young and in love, we're not really thinking of issues like: Is this person a stable partner who can love and support me through hard times? We he/she be a good parent? Does he/she share my values?
Relationships of our twenties and thirties require us to consider really mundane but important stuff like: debt, professional ambitions, degrees of family involvement, money issues of ANY sort, parenting styles, differences in libido, and so forth. It's boring, it degrades our sense of selves as romantic beings, and it naturally compels us to look back on the uncomplicated relationships of our youth as if they were magically more special.
When we're young, we're too self-involved and naive to have real things to worry about, real issues to get past. The real world and all the things we have to consider when choosing emotional partners seems so far away, and the love we feel seems to shelter us completely. Then we grow up, date other people, get our hearts broken several times over, and start making more informed decisions.
So, to answer your question, yes, I think you're absolutely viewing a relationship that you had sixteen years ago when you were barely more than a child with rose-colored glasses. If you dropped everything you had and found that perfect guy you're pining over and he ditched his current partner for you, I would I gauran-freaking-tee you that in six months you two would also be bitching at each other about what movie to see, or why did he tip that waiter 20% when he was so slow, or whose turn it is to feed the cat. There would be no halo over him, just as there are no halos over the people you date now.
I mean this in the gentlest way: grow up. Because no 36 year old *actually* wants the relationship they had when they were 20. Real relationship require tons of hard decisions and they exist only in the real world, but that's what makes them work in the long run. Enjoy the romance of your nostalgia, but recognize that nostalgia only survives in the past. You, however, have to live in the present.
posted by zoomorphic at 11:10 AM on June 10, 2011 [21 favorites]
The relationships we have when we're 20 are fundamentally different than the ones we have when we're much older. When we're 20, our brains are still flush with the hormones of adolescence (see here) and we Feel Things in this highly intense, limerance-esque bubble. We're also free of all the adult trappings that make real relationships so hard. When we're young and in love, we're not really thinking of issues like: Is this person a stable partner who can love and support me through hard times? We he/she be a good parent? Does he/she share my values?
Relationships of our twenties and thirties require us to consider really mundane but important stuff like: debt, professional ambitions, degrees of family involvement, money issues of ANY sort, parenting styles, differences in libido, and so forth. It's boring, it degrades our sense of selves as romantic beings, and it naturally compels us to look back on the uncomplicated relationships of our youth as if they were magically more special.
When we're young, we're too self-involved and naive to have real things to worry about, real issues to get past. The real world and all the things we have to consider when choosing emotional partners seems so far away, and the love we feel seems to shelter us completely. Then we grow up, date other people, get our hearts broken several times over, and start making more informed decisions.
So, to answer your question, yes, I think you're absolutely viewing a relationship that you had sixteen years ago when you were barely more than a child with rose-colored glasses. If you dropped everything you had and found that perfect guy you're pining over and he ditched his current partner for you, I would I gauran-freaking-tee you that in six months you two would also be bitching at each other about what movie to see, or why did he tip that waiter 20% when he was so slow, or whose turn it is to feed the cat. There would be no halo over him, just as there are no halos over the people you date now.
I mean this in the gentlest way: grow up. Because no 36 year old *actually* wants the relationship they had when they were 20. Real relationship require tons of hard decisions and they exist only in the real world, but that's what makes them work in the long run. Enjoy the romance of your nostalgia, but recognize that nostalgia only survives in the past. You, however, have to live in the present.
posted by zoomorphic at 11:10 AM on June 10, 2011 [21 favorites]
Best answer: I know there's no one you're "meant" to be with, but perhaps this persistance of the other person in your head is telling you that that's a better place for you?
This sentence contradicts itself. You're bargaining with yourself here. Your mind cannot predict the future, so there is no way your emotions "know" that another person is for you.
Breaking up with the current person should be on its own terms. If it isn't working for you, it isn't working for you. Focus on your current relationship and whether it is giving you what you want. The rest is all made up, really.
posted by Ironmouth at 11:26 AM on June 10, 2011 [2 favorites]
This sentence contradicts itself. You're bargaining with yourself here. Your mind cannot predict the future, so there is no way your emotions "know" that another person is for you.
Breaking up with the current person should be on its own terms. If it isn't working for you, it isn't working for you. Focus on your current relationship and whether it is giving you what you want. The rest is all made up, really.
posted by Ironmouth at 11:26 AM on June 10, 2011 [2 favorites]
hi Verb, you've misunderstood; the person I longed for at twenty is a different person from the one who I am speaking of now, who I broke up with just a few years ago (and have seen in the intervening years).
You're totally right and I'll just sneak off in embarrassment now. Sorry about that.
posted by verb at 11:34 AM on June 10, 2011
You're totally right and I'll just sneak off in embarrassment now. Sorry about that.
posted by verb at 11:34 AM on June 10, 2011
I don't know if this is helpful or not, but I've been on the other side of this for a while now. I dated this guy for a couple of months: he was both the one to pursue me and the one, eventually, to break it off. We were in the transitioning-out-of-college stage, and he got freaked out by the real world, I think. At any rate, I was hurt for a while, but I decided long ago that it was a good thing that we'd broken up when we did, because there were things about him that I didn't like: his discomfort when I knew more about a topic than he did, for example. So I moved on, fell in love with other people.
But he does not appear to be completely over me, even after all these years. For a while, he would call me when he was drunk and leave long, rambling voicemails. Now he just periodically sends me messages over Facebook along with friend requests (I keep forgetting I can block him until it happens again). I haven't replied to any of these overtures in years. And yet I ran into him recently and got trapped in a long conversation with him, in which he repeatedly told me how amazing it was to see me again, and that if I was ever in his area, I should come and visit him and stay with him for a while. I also know from other sources that he's been in a very serious relationship for most of the time that he's been trying to re-establish contact with me.
And I don't claim to know what's going on in his head, if he's ever thought about seriously trying to get back together with me. But what is absolutely crystal clear is that the girl he is still vaguely in love with isn't me anymore: it's someone else entirely, constructed out of old memories and idealizations. And even if that imaginary person had some basis in reality originally, I've changed a lot since then. I have goals that I've been working towards for years now that would have been as alien to me as a sentient pair of tennis shoes the last time he and I really spent time together.
So, just, just be aware that for every couple that gets back together after a long separation (and the world is big enough that I'm sure that this has happened), there is another pair of people out there who have very different views of that lost relationship. Or, in other words, just because you think it might be possible to get back together, doesn't mean that he has any interest in doing so. And it requires two people to make a relationship.
posted by colfax at 11:36 AM on June 10, 2011 [4 favorites]
But he does not appear to be completely over me, even after all these years. For a while, he would call me when he was drunk and leave long, rambling voicemails. Now he just periodically sends me messages over Facebook along with friend requests (I keep forgetting I can block him until it happens again). I haven't replied to any of these overtures in years. And yet I ran into him recently and got trapped in a long conversation with him, in which he repeatedly told me how amazing it was to see me again, and that if I was ever in his area, I should come and visit him and stay with him for a while. I also know from other sources that he's been in a very serious relationship for most of the time that he's been trying to re-establish contact with me.
And I don't claim to know what's going on in his head, if he's ever thought about seriously trying to get back together with me. But what is absolutely crystal clear is that the girl he is still vaguely in love with isn't me anymore: it's someone else entirely, constructed out of old memories and idealizations. And even if that imaginary person had some basis in reality originally, I've changed a lot since then. I have goals that I've been working towards for years now that would have been as alien to me as a sentient pair of tennis shoes the last time he and I really spent time together.
So, just, just be aware that for every couple that gets back together after a long separation (and the world is big enough that I'm sure that this has happened), there is another pair of people out there who have very different views of that lost relationship. Or, in other words, just because you think it might be possible to get back together, doesn't mean that he has any interest in doing so. And it requires two people to make a relationship.
posted by colfax at 11:36 AM on June 10, 2011 [4 favorites]
I never forgot my wife, in spite of 14 years intervening. In fact my first wife was always jealous of my then ex-college girlfriend, even though she'd dropped completely off the radar. I guess she sensed something in the way I talked about her.
We (me and ex-college girlfriend) have been happily married since 2004.
posted by musofire at 11:38 AM on June 10, 2011
We (me and ex-college girlfriend) have been happily married since 2004.
posted by musofire at 11:38 AM on June 10, 2011
>>My friends tell me to forget about it, that this new relationship is much healthier and more balanced, and that I had all the power in the other one (probably true) but what if they're wrong?
I'm going to go out on a limb and say that they're not wrong that your new relationship is healthier and more balanced.
I don't know if they're right that you should stick with your new guy and not chase after your old guy, but I want to say you should go for it with this guy you're fantasizing about. I wouldn't want to be in a relationship where you couldn't get this other guy who you broke up with years ago out of your head; out of fairness to him, you should go.
posted by J. Wilson at 12:25 PM on June 10, 2011
I'm going to go out on a limb and say that they're not wrong that your new relationship is healthier and more balanced.
I don't know if they're right that you should stick with your new guy and not chase after your old guy, but I want to say you should go for it with this guy you're fantasizing about. I wouldn't want to be in a relationship where you couldn't get this other guy who you broke up with years ago out of your head; out of fairness to him, you should go.
posted by J. Wilson at 12:25 PM on June 10, 2011
Best answer: I first dated my husband when I was 20, and then we went our separate ways. (Mostly because I was immature and commitment-phobic.) We lost touch, but I never forgot him, and always regretted not sticking with the relationship. I didn't pine, away for him, though--I loved other people and assumed he was out of my life forever. But I didn't forget him enough that when I came across a friend of his on Myspace, I emailed the friend to ask what my ex was up to these days, and he mentioned he was now living in the same city as me. So we met for drinks, reconnected, and have been together for about three and a half years. So far so good.
However....this was the kind of relationship where my friends at the time all thought he was great and we were great together. We both happened to be single. We both happened to still be attracted to each other. I don't think things would have worked out this way if even one of these variables was not in place. I think my husband and I were lucky, but I also think that we would have gone on to live perfectly happy lives with other people, or alone, if that's how it turned out.
My suspicion is that, psychologically, this phenomenon is a cousin to complicated grief. Apparently the reward centers in brains of people with complicated grief will actually activate when they think about the deceased, so mourning becomes its own reward. This makes it extremely difficult to learn how to let go. I suspect this guy has carved a similar pathway in your brain.
If it's really interfering with your other relationships, then maybe some cognitive-behavioral therapy is the way to go.
posted by thinkingwoman at 3:23 PM on June 10, 2011
However....this was the kind of relationship where my friends at the time all thought he was great and we were great together. We both happened to be single. We both happened to still be attracted to each other. I don't think things would have worked out this way if even one of these variables was not in place. I think my husband and I were lucky, but I also think that we would have gone on to live perfectly happy lives with other people, or alone, if that's how it turned out.
My suspicion is that, psychologically, this phenomenon is a cousin to complicated grief. Apparently the reward centers in brains of people with complicated grief will actually activate when they think about the deceased, so mourning becomes its own reward. This makes it extremely difficult to learn how to let go. I suspect this guy has carved a similar pathway in your brain.
If it's really interfering with your other relationships, then maybe some cognitive-behavioral therapy is the way to go.
posted by thinkingwoman at 3:23 PM on June 10, 2011
but what if they're wrong?
Why do you think they're wrong?
Why did you break up with the ex? Why did you break up with the guy when you were 20? It might help to work through some of this stuff in therapy.
posted by foxjacket at 4:04 PM on June 10, 2011
Why do you think they're wrong?
Why did you break up with the ex? Why did you break up with the guy when you were 20? It might help to work through some of this stuff in therapy.
posted by foxjacket at 4:04 PM on June 10, 2011
It's easier to reconsider getting back together with an ex (known quantity) than to hope and wait and hunt for someone new.
posted by jenfullmoon at 4:12 PM on June 10, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by jenfullmoon at 4:12 PM on June 10, 2011 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: Thank you to everyone for all your thoughts. I feel so much calmer and more certain and at peace with the past being the past after reading all your posts. Seen through the light of some of your comments, I know that this isn't someone I really want to get back together with, but there were qualities in him and our relationship I miss and, well, what can you do about that? I'm sure that's natural, after all, I did date him for a long while... it would be strange if there was nothing good about him/us in retrospect.
I am happy for any more thoughts people want to post. I will look at this page whenever that feeling that I posted about initially visits me again.
posted by Clotilde at 7:01 AM on June 11, 2011 [1 favorite]
I am happy for any more thoughts people want to post. I will look at this page whenever that feeling that I posted about initially visits me again.
posted by Clotilde at 7:01 AM on June 11, 2011 [1 favorite]
there were qualities in him and our relationship I miss and, well, what can you do about that? I'm sure that's natural, after all, I did date him for a long while... it would be strange if there was nothing good about him/us in retrospect.
I definitely hear you there. I spent a long time trying to figure out if there was something "wrong" with me for missing my ex. Eventually I came to be at peace with the fact that each person is unique, and when we get to know them -- for better or worse -- we never meet another person who is just like them. When we leave a relationship behind, even if it was terrible and unhealthy, that person's unique "them-ness" is still something that's gone from our lives.
There's no shame in knowing that you still remember that unique person with fondness, and miss distinctive things about them.
posted by verb at 9:42 AM on June 11, 2011 [3 favorites]
I definitely hear you there. I spent a long time trying to figure out if there was something "wrong" with me for missing my ex. Eventually I came to be at peace with the fact that each person is unique, and when we get to know them -- for better or worse -- we never meet another person who is just like them. When we leave a relationship behind, even if it was terrible and unhealthy, that person's unique "them-ness" is still something that's gone from our lives.
There's no shame in knowing that you still remember that unique person with fondness, and miss distinctive things about them.
posted by verb at 9:42 AM on June 11, 2011 [3 favorites]
I'm struggling with this right now. I'm single, but I'm thinking about someone I ended things with a year ago with, badly, and for very good reasons.
For me, a lot of it has to do with how badly it ended, and what's happened since. I know it could have worked if I had done XYZ rather than what I actually did. I know I loved her, I was crazy about her from the day I met her to the day I left her, and when it was right, it was right.
I got screwed over royally in that breakup, and she walked away with a house, new boyfriend, and a house full of new furniture and electronics that her parents bought her as consolation. I got tossed out on the street with my suitcase, no savings, and trust issues. I put my name on a lease, dropped a hefty chunk of change down on it, then had my brother and friend of a friend move in, and they proceeded to not pay their rent, get noise complaints, break furniture, have sex on my blankets (get your own!), and wear all my socks. Meanwhile I was flying all over the globe and had no time to find a new apartment or kick them out. For 6 months it was a week of airlines and hotels and business meetings, then a week of thundering bass outside my room. I asked the landlord for help, they told the landlord that I had done all that. I was either going to go to small claims court in a foreign country with my own brother or lose my deposit. I chose the latter. I walked away, and ended up subletting a room with people who turned out to be control freaks, then told me I had to move out in 3 weeks because they couldn't find someone to take over their room for the summer, oh and by the way could I try to be out earlier as roommate's brother is coming and wants this room. Then my bag, with about $2000 worth of stuff in it that I need for work, gets ripped off. At the same time, my job suddenly terminates their contract with their client, and now I'm redundant, and left to rely on my other, inconsistent freelance job, in which I've had utterly no luck finding the lucrative projects I was offered at the beginning of the year. I'm getting paid in a month what I used to get in a week at my freelance job. I've just gutted my savings account to pay for a new apartment and buy a new laptop. One thing after another. blam blam blam Yes I'm bitter!
The last time I talked to her, two months ago, she was miserable. She wouldn't get back together with me, but she was miserable, still coping with the breakup, and that made me feel a kind of peace for awhile. And then I thought, "What the hell is wrong with me? How vindictive am I that I'm thinking this about the person who I claim to love the most?" I don't want that for her, me, or anyone.
Since then, whenever I think of it, I feel a kind of revulsion for whatever it was that made me contact her again. I don't want to be rescued, nor do I want to be a stalker, nor do I want to be in a relationship that isn't working. I very simply do not want solace in that past, I don't want the fact that I got hurt to be the biggest thing about me, I don't want breakup Stockholm syndrome.
But there was something else in my reaction to finding out that she's miserable. That means it wasn't my fault. I did some stupid things, but she was already sliding down the slippery slope of depression, and it's only worse since. She wasn't miserable because of me, she was miserable, period. And that's not the woman I fell in love with. Which means...I kind of imagined her. Oops. If it hadn't ended like that, I would have ended it myself at some point, because she wasn't coping with it in a healthy way, and apparently still isn't.
Who did/do I miss then? I miss feeling like someone loves me. I miss being crazy about someone. I miss having things go right. I miss feeling like I was making progress in my life and doing the right things. And yeah, I miss her integrity, her sense of humor, her hair, her... But I also miss feeling like I was with someone I had originally thought was too good for me. What? Where did that come from? That one was the hardest to admit to myself, and the most humbling, but also the most insightful.
That was what kept me in that relationship long after it should have died, and what sent me packing in a righteous fury without reconciliation or a concern for the future, and what drove me to live with my brother, who...well, I included the story for a reason. I knew it was a bad idea, but I was so incensed and wounded that I ended up hoping he would provide the acceptance I'd been denying myself, and that I looked for in her.
That's what keeps me in that rut, what keeps me obsessed. And telling myself I'm fine, I'm doing an admirable job under the circumstances, that I'm certainly capable of putting myself in better circumstances and working towards that, dims her shadow. It's my own sense of inadequacy. And when I remember to tell it to shut up, missing her goes from a painful obsession to a shrug, and my bitterness at my current situation shrinks to a manageable size. People do love/appreciate me, I am actually making progress in life, and if I close my eyes and squint really hard, there are some other people I can see myself being crazy about.
That's long-winded, but I hope it helps you analyze what you're going through. I have some other obsessions, and they all tend to stem from the same place. You might do well to search for that place.
posted by saysthis at 6:27 PM on June 11, 2011 [3 favorites]
For me, a lot of it has to do with how badly it ended, and what's happened since. I know it could have worked if I had done XYZ rather than what I actually did. I know I loved her, I was crazy about her from the day I met her to the day I left her, and when it was right, it was right.
I got screwed over royally in that breakup, and she walked away with a house, new boyfriend, and a house full of new furniture and electronics that her parents bought her as consolation. I got tossed out on the street with my suitcase, no savings, and trust issues. I put my name on a lease, dropped a hefty chunk of change down on it, then had my brother and friend of a friend move in, and they proceeded to not pay their rent, get noise complaints, break furniture, have sex on my blankets (get your own!), and wear all my socks. Meanwhile I was flying all over the globe and had no time to find a new apartment or kick them out. For 6 months it was a week of airlines and hotels and business meetings, then a week of thundering bass outside my room. I asked the landlord for help, they told the landlord that I had done all that. I was either going to go to small claims court in a foreign country with my own brother or lose my deposit. I chose the latter. I walked away, and ended up subletting a room with people who turned out to be control freaks, then told me I had to move out in 3 weeks because they couldn't find someone to take over their room for the summer, oh and by the way could I try to be out earlier as roommate's brother is coming and wants this room. Then my bag, with about $2000 worth of stuff in it that I need for work, gets ripped off. At the same time, my job suddenly terminates their contract with their client, and now I'm redundant, and left to rely on my other, inconsistent freelance job, in which I've had utterly no luck finding the lucrative projects I was offered at the beginning of the year. I'm getting paid in a month what I used to get in a week at my freelance job. I've just gutted my savings account to pay for a new apartment and buy a new laptop. One thing after another. blam blam blam Yes I'm bitter!
The last time I talked to her, two months ago, she was miserable. She wouldn't get back together with me, but she was miserable, still coping with the breakup, and that made me feel a kind of peace for awhile. And then I thought, "What the hell is wrong with me? How vindictive am I that I'm thinking this about the person who I claim to love the most?" I don't want that for her, me, or anyone.
Since then, whenever I think of it, I feel a kind of revulsion for whatever it was that made me contact her again. I don't want to be rescued, nor do I want to be a stalker, nor do I want to be in a relationship that isn't working. I very simply do not want solace in that past, I don't want the fact that I got hurt to be the biggest thing about me, I don't want breakup Stockholm syndrome.
But there was something else in my reaction to finding out that she's miserable. That means it wasn't my fault. I did some stupid things, but she was already sliding down the slippery slope of depression, and it's only worse since. She wasn't miserable because of me, she was miserable, period. And that's not the woman I fell in love with. Which means...I kind of imagined her. Oops. If it hadn't ended like that, I would have ended it myself at some point, because she wasn't coping with it in a healthy way, and apparently still isn't.
Who did/do I miss then? I miss feeling like someone loves me. I miss being crazy about someone. I miss having things go right. I miss feeling like I was making progress in my life and doing the right things. And yeah, I miss her integrity, her sense of humor, her hair, her... But I also miss feeling like I was with someone I had originally thought was too good for me. What? Where did that come from? That one was the hardest to admit to myself, and the most humbling, but also the most insightful.
That was what kept me in that relationship long after it should have died, and what sent me packing in a righteous fury without reconciliation or a concern for the future, and what drove me to live with my brother, who...well, I included the story for a reason. I knew it was a bad idea, but I was so incensed and wounded that I ended up hoping he would provide the acceptance I'd been denying myself, and that I looked for in her.
That's what keeps me in that rut, what keeps me obsessed. And telling myself I'm fine, I'm doing an admirable job under the circumstances, that I'm certainly capable of putting myself in better circumstances and working towards that, dims her shadow. It's my own sense of inadequacy. And when I remember to tell it to shut up, missing her goes from a painful obsession to a shrug, and my bitterness at my current situation shrinks to a manageable size. People do love/appreciate me, I am actually making progress in life, and if I close my eyes and squint really hard, there are some other people I can see myself being crazy about.
That's long-winded, but I hope it helps you analyze what you're going through. I have some other obsessions, and they all tend to stem from the same place. You might do well to search for that place.
posted by saysthis at 6:27 PM on June 11, 2011 [3 favorites]
« Older Where can I find Shuron Ronsir ZYL glasses in the... | I need something crafty to do! Newer »
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by TrinsicWS at 10:00 AM on June 10, 2011 [1 favorite]