How do I [wo]man up and go back to school?
June 5, 2011 10:07 AM Subscribe
Feeling lost. Hiding away from adulthood. How do I get over this? How do I stop ruining my education?
This is an old story:
I don't know what I want to do with my life. I don't even know what I *want*. The semester before I pulled out of school, during finals week, instead of going to class and taking exams or turning in papers (that I spent the better part of the night working on), I would drive past campus and catch a matinee showing or find a spot in the library and read anything that wasn't what I needed to know. This is/should be my 3rd year of uni and I feel like my entire university history is a collection of self sabotage and complete and utter failure.
I wish I could blame my GPA on hardcore partying and living the good life, but it hasn't been like that at all. There's like this feeling of resignation in me. I sleep early.
So, I've had these past few months out of school. My parents were shocked when I said I didn't want to go back for this semester (they don't know anything, and I would feel so ashamed if they did), and for the fall they want me to be back in school. *I* want to be back in school, because what other options are there outside of school? Let's be honest. And it's not like I don't want to be in school. I do. I like learning and I want to work. I just... I don't know what's wrong with me. Where do you find ambition and drive?
I feel completely unchanged in these past few months. If I go back to school in the fall I just know I'm still going to be driving past campus and sitting alone in the theater, watching some movie I know is going to be crappy but I watch it anyway because it's the only one I haven't seen yet. Or something.
ughfailure[at]gmail.com
This is an old story:
I don't know what I want to do with my life. I don't even know what I *want*. The semester before I pulled out of school, during finals week, instead of going to class and taking exams or turning in papers (that I spent the better part of the night working on), I would drive past campus and catch a matinee showing or find a spot in the library and read anything that wasn't what I needed to know. This is/should be my 3rd year of uni and I feel like my entire university history is a collection of self sabotage and complete and utter failure.
I wish I could blame my GPA on hardcore partying and living the good life, but it hasn't been like that at all. There's like this feeling of resignation in me. I sleep early.
So, I've had these past few months out of school. My parents were shocked when I said I didn't want to go back for this semester (they don't know anything, and I would feel so ashamed if they did), and for the fall they want me to be back in school. *I* want to be back in school, because what other options are there outside of school? Let's be honest. And it's not like I don't want to be in school. I do. I like learning and I want to work. I just... I don't know what's wrong with me. Where do you find ambition and drive?
I feel completely unchanged in these past few months. If I go back to school in the fall I just know I'm still going to be driving past campus and sitting alone in the theater, watching some movie I know is going to be crappy but I watch it anyway because it's the only one I haven't seen yet. Or something.
ughfailure[at]gmail.com
This happened to me. You're depressed. Go to the in-school therapist and get diagnosed. Then take a medical leave of absence. You'll be out of school safely. You can try other things, and if you change your mind and want to come back to school, you can, without prejudice.
I felt really ashamed about it at a time, but when I signed the leave papers, I felt so much relief that I knew instantly it was the right choice, and I never felt bad about it again. Later on, I went back to school and now I'm a Ph.D. =) Not that you have to follow the same path, maybe you'll be a carpenter. I don't know. The point is, medical leave is SAFE.
As for ambition and drive, not everybody has to be ambitious. It's perfectly ok to have other priorities in life. A job doesn't have to be a life's dream, it can be a way to support a life's dream instead, like a hobby or a family. Or maybe you don't have a life's dream at all, and you just want to get through life as best you can. That's ok too.
posted by yeolcoatl at 10:18 AM on June 5, 2011 [11 favorites]
I felt really ashamed about it at a time, but when I signed the leave papers, I felt so much relief that I knew instantly it was the right choice, and I never felt bad about it again. Later on, I went back to school and now I'm a Ph.D. =) Not that you have to follow the same path, maybe you'll be a carpenter. I don't know. The point is, medical leave is SAFE.
As for ambition and drive, not everybody has to be ambitious. It's perfectly ok to have other priorities in life. A job doesn't have to be a life's dream, it can be a way to support a life's dream instead, like a hobby or a family. Or maybe you don't have a life's dream at all, and you just want to get through life as best you can. That's ok too.
posted by yeolcoatl at 10:18 AM on June 5, 2011 [11 favorites]
Print out this question and take it to your school's counseling services. You can and should get help for this, but you can't get it from strangers on the internet (at least, not at this stage.)
posted by SMPA at 10:26 AM on June 5, 2011
posted by SMPA at 10:26 AM on June 5, 2011
Along with depression, it sounds like you're not really excited about your major.
I had a similar loss of interest, possibly with depression. I made it through 4 years of a 5 year program, and I lost all interest at the senior project stage. I felt like a failure, but I felt like a fraud, like I hadn't learned anything, so how could I possibly get a job? I was able to change majors and tack on another two years of school, and I'm now employed in my field of study.
If you can get help for your depression and finish your studies in this major, great. But if you realize you want to study something else, or take some other path all-together, that's also fine. Changing course now may seem like a huge thing, but if it's not a good fit now, why prolong it?
posted by filthy light thief at 10:48 AM on June 5, 2011
I had a similar loss of interest, possibly with depression. I made it through 4 years of a 5 year program, and I lost all interest at the senior project stage. I felt like a failure, but I felt like a fraud, like I hadn't learned anything, so how could I possibly get a job? I was able to change majors and tack on another two years of school, and I'm now employed in my field of study.
If you can get help for your depression and finish your studies in this major, great. But if you realize you want to study something else, or take some other path all-together, that's also fine. Changing course now may seem like a huge thing, but if it's not a good fit now, why prolong it?
posted by filthy light thief at 10:48 AM on June 5, 2011
Nth-ing depression and therapy, this is scarily similar to my situation several years ago.
It also sounds like you judge yourself harshly, which often accompanies depression—it did in my case. My response to this was to try to hide my feelings and circumstances from my friends and family, thinking they'd judge me as severely as I did myself. Please don't repeat my mistake! Those who care about you will keep on caring, and their positive feedback can help a lot when you're having trouble thinking positively yourself.
Good luck!
posted by vasi at 10:52 AM on June 5, 2011 [1 favorite]
It also sounds like you judge yourself harshly, which often accompanies depression—it did in my case. My response to this was to try to hide my feelings and circumstances from my friends and family, thinking they'd judge me as severely as I did myself. Please don't repeat my mistake! Those who care about you will keep on caring, and their positive feedback can help a lot when you're having trouble thinking positively yourself.
Good luck!
posted by vasi at 10:52 AM on June 5, 2011 [1 favorite]
Talk to a mental health professional about your (possible) depression. The aimlessness and giving up sound like symptoms of that.
posted by J. Wilson at 10:56 AM on June 5, 2011
posted by J. Wilson at 10:56 AM on June 5, 2011
This sounds similar to my situation. If you can take a medical leave, do it!
But, 33 years later, I have a master's and a job related to it. And you don't have to get a master's and a related job; I'm just saying that when I was in your shoes, a trip to the moon would've seemed more likely.
If you can change your major, do it. And if you can get a job with physical labor, that might be a good thing, too.
posted by jgirl at 12:21 PM on June 5, 2011 [1 favorite]
But, 33 years later, I have a master's and a job related to it. And you don't have to get a master's and a related job; I'm just saying that when I was in your shoes, a trip to the moon would've seemed more likely.
If you can change your major, do it. And if you can get a job with physical labor, that might be a good thing, too.
posted by jgirl at 12:21 PM on June 5, 2011 [1 favorite]
Sounds like me. I am about to take some time off academia to come back with a better sense of what I want and who I am -- in some sense, doing a PhD has become so intertwined with my identity that I chose them haphazardly as I needed to continue school to feel complete. Now that I know this is bullshit -- even though I still want my PhD one day -- I feel much better about life and myself.
posted by StoneSpace at 12:25 PM on June 5, 2011
posted by StoneSpace at 12:25 PM on June 5, 2011
I know how you feel and I went through a similar path in terms of feeling disconnected from school as much as my brain was telling me that I shouldn't be. It feels like you're going through the motion while the world is perfectly revolving around you just fine. There is no drive and motivation when I perfectly had no reason to (at the time that's what I thought) and blamed myself and my character for not being able to snap out of it. There were days when I would take naps because I just felt so tired and exhausted when all I don't do anything excessively physical. I'm sure your experience might be a little bit different but the point is I, too, have been to a similar place as what you shared with us so far.
You're going through depression and that's actually okay as it is part of growing since we're asking questions and making decisions that will impact our lives greatly.
Aside from depression being an indicator of growth and development, more serious depression usually has an underlying cause behind it although it may seem like your state of being is out of the blue without a particular reason. I'm not sure what that underlying cause is but once you articulate the source, you'll feel much, much, much better about yourself. It's no longer you that's the problem. It's no longer your character and your worthiness as a student that's the problem.
It may be that you're pursuing a major that's not the right for you and you have chosen a limiting path without quite exploring what you're passionate about. Maybe it's the culture of your university that it does not fit to your needs i.e. maybe you actually do better in small classes and know professors will call your by your name and sit next to same classmates unlike large university where you're just part of a number.
Biggest thing that I wish I knew when I was going through my own depression during my education was that there were far many people similar to me that I'm not the only person who's going through this. Too many times does the school portray the perfect student and the ideal student we have to be that if we don't meet that certain image that we're a failure and not worthy to be there. Educational system has its many flaws and rather than tailoring to fit to the students' needs, it asks for the students to conform to the institution instead. You'll be surprised that this actually doesn't quite work for many students and many often struggle trying to fit to the system. I always felt that the problem was me all along but in fact, it was the school system that failed to meet my needs as a student in order to be properly adjusted.
Aside from other possibilities that might be the root of your depression, I wanted to let you know that it could be possible that it's the entire educational system that is the combination of all these smaller factors rather than just one. Point is that it does not say everything about who you are and your value is lessened for feeling like a failure.
You are NOT a number. You are NOT only your GPA.
Check out this awesome video about why we need to shift our education paradigm. This might possibly be the root cause if not for other factors.
posted by Kimchee.Noodles. at 2:07 PM on June 5, 2011 [2 favorites]
You're going through depression and that's actually okay as it is part of growing since we're asking questions and making decisions that will impact our lives greatly.
Aside from depression being an indicator of growth and development, more serious depression usually has an underlying cause behind it although it may seem like your state of being is out of the blue without a particular reason. I'm not sure what that underlying cause is but once you articulate the source, you'll feel much, much, much better about yourself. It's no longer you that's the problem. It's no longer your character and your worthiness as a student that's the problem.
It may be that you're pursuing a major that's not the right for you and you have chosen a limiting path without quite exploring what you're passionate about. Maybe it's the culture of your university that it does not fit to your needs i.e. maybe you actually do better in small classes and know professors will call your by your name and sit next to same classmates unlike large university where you're just part of a number.
Biggest thing that I wish I knew when I was going through my own depression during my education was that there were far many people similar to me that I'm not the only person who's going through this. Too many times does the school portray the perfect student and the ideal student we have to be that if we don't meet that certain image that we're a failure and not worthy to be there. Educational system has its many flaws and rather than tailoring to fit to the students' needs, it asks for the students to conform to the institution instead. You'll be surprised that this actually doesn't quite work for many students and many often struggle trying to fit to the system. I always felt that the problem was me all along but in fact, it was the school system that failed to meet my needs as a student in order to be properly adjusted.
Aside from other possibilities that might be the root of your depression, I wanted to let you know that it could be possible that it's the entire educational system that is the combination of all these smaller factors rather than just one. Point is that it does not say everything about who you are and your value is lessened for feeling like a failure.
You are NOT a number. You are NOT only your GPA.
Check out this awesome video about why we need to shift our education paradigm. This might possibly be the root cause if not for other factors.
posted by Kimchee.Noodles. at 2:07 PM on June 5, 2011 [2 favorites]
Oh and please excuse me for my grammar. By now, I really should be able to come up with something better than just pile of brain vomit all over the place.
posted by Kimchee.Noodles. at 2:11 PM on June 5, 2011
posted by Kimchee.Noodles. at 2:11 PM on June 5, 2011
Yes, this absolutely sounds like depression. I know several students who have gone through this, and many of them (once they recognized what was wrong) got help and then came back to school when they were ready and did just fine. So yes, please please please go to your doctor, or to a counsellor, and tell them what you have told us.
Also: in addition to the medical leave of absence yeolcoatl described, many schools will also allow retroactive withdrawals for students who have documented medical issues--and depression is a medical issue. Even though your transcript might have Fs on it right now, if you get help for your depression and speak to your counsellors/Dean of Students, you may be able to get those changed to Ws and get a fresh start when you're healthy again.
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 9:17 PM on June 5, 2011
Also: in addition to the medical leave of absence yeolcoatl described, many schools will also allow retroactive withdrawals for students who have documented medical issues--and depression is a medical issue. Even though your transcript might have Fs on it right now, if you get help for your depression and speak to your counsellors/Dean of Students, you may be able to get those changed to Ws and get a fresh start when you're healthy again.
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 9:17 PM on June 5, 2011
Go and talk to a professional!
You also might like to have a think about what Cal Newport calls deep procrastination.
Basically you get to the end of uni and you just can't seem to get stuff done- it isn't the goofing off procrastination but something more. Hard to start stuff, hard to finish stuff, just plain hard.
I realise that this is the second time I've reference Cal Newport in a question, and I guess full disclosure I'm not related to him or his business in any way, beyond being a student myself.
posted by titanium_geek at 3:41 AM on June 6, 2011
You also might like to have a think about what Cal Newport calls deep procrastination.
Basically you get to the end of uni and you just can't seem to get stuff done- it isn't the goofing off procrastination but something more. Hard to start stuff, hard to finish stuff, just plain hard.
I realise that this is the second time I've reference Cal Newport in a question, and I guess full disclosure I'm not related to him or his business in any way, beyond being a student myself.
posted by titanium_geek at 3:41 AM on June 6, 2011
Sounds like me sophomore year - depression sucks. I got a medical leave, took some time off, and ultimately transferred to another school. Things worked out ok.
posted by naoko at 9:36 PM on June 6, 2011
posted by naoko at 9:36 PM on June 6, 2011
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by Triton at 10:15 AM on June 5, 2011 [9 favorites]