Is an intervention needed on these tacky stagette plans?
June 2, 2011 11:51 AM Subscribe
My friend (let's call her Amanda) is having a stagette, which is being planned by a completely different group of friends from the ones that we share. She's known these ladies since childhood, and I hardly know them at all. I feel like Amanda's friends are planning a stagette that goes strongly against Amanda's taste and wishes. Should I say something to the party planners? If so, how? (more inside)
I've only known Amanda for about six years, however, we were roommates for two of them. I feel like I know her very well. Being single ladies, we would often attend weddings and then share our opinions on what we liked or didn't like about the whole affair. Amanda's tastes tend to run on the conservative and classy side.
I know that she's requested that the stagette err on the side of the demure, and that this event is being planned by her high school friends without any input from Amanda. I was invited to the stagette via Facebook and have seen the evolution of this event. What started out as a potluck and backyard beers has now metastasized into a potluck with a Hummer limo picking us up (at $50/person), ferrying us to various bars, and the possibility of a male stripper.
I don't really care what we do, as I realize that it's her stagette and not mine. However, I really don't think that the Hummer limo and male stripper thing is really up Amanda's alley (she is a pretty ardent bicycle commuter and women's rights advocate. She also embarasses rather easily and generally likes to keep a low profile. It just doesn't seem quite right). I suspect that she has involved these people as a way to be inclusive to her old highschool friends even though their collective tastes have deviated considerably in the last few years. Should I say something to the party planners? Or Amanda? Any advice on how to navigate this, if I should at all, would be greatly appreciated.
I've only known Amanda for about six years, however, we were roommates for two of them. I feel like I know her very well. Being single ladies, we would often attend weddings and then share our opinions on what we liked or didn't like about the whole affair. Amanda's tastes tend to run on the conservative and classy side.
I know that she's requested that the stagette err on the side of the demure, and that this event is being planned by her high school friends without any input from Amanda. I was invited to the stagette via Facebook and have seen the evolution of this event. What started out as a potluck and backyard beers has now metastasized into a potluck with a Hummer limo picking us up (at $50/person), ferrying us to various bars, and the possibility of a male stripper.
I don't really care what we do, as I realize that it's her stagette and not mine. However, I really don't think that the Hummer limo and male stripper thing is really up Amanda's alley (she is a pretty ardent bicycle commuter and women's rights advocate. She also embarasses rather easily and generally likes to keep a low profile. It just doesn't seem quite right). I suspect that she has involved these people as a way to be inclusive to her old highschool friends even though their collective tastes have deviated considerably in the last few years. Should I say something to the party planners? Or Amanda? Any advice on how to navigate this, if I should at all, would be greatly appreciated.
I think you should just stay out of it. It's one night, a hummer and a stripper (FWIW, gross!) isn't going to kill her. It's such a pain in the ass planning a party, there's always someone asshole whining that they don't like the location, the food, whatever. Just go to the party and have fun.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 11:56 AM on June 2, 2011 [4 favorites]
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 11:56 AM on June 2, 2011 [4 favorites]
If the event is being planned through Facebook, I see nothing wrong with chiming in on the discussion and saying, "Hey, this really doesn't sound like Amanda's kind of thing at all." After that, if nobody listens to you, you'll be able to say that you told them so.
posted by Faint of Butt at 11:58 AM on June 2, 2011 [3 favorites]
posted by Faint of Butt at 11:58 AM on June 2, 2011 [3 favorites]
What's the element of surprise here? Because I think you're totally right to cringe over Amanda's reaction in light of the limo and the male strippers. If I were Amanda (and I could see how this exact scenario would play out in my own life) I'd want my good friend to let me know what's going on so I could approach my well-meaning childhood friends and put a stop to the penis cakes and whatnot. Or Amanda might opt to let her friends plan accordingly, but at least now she has a heads up to steel her fragile nerves against seeing a man's junk bulging through a thong.
posted by zoomorphic at 11:59 AM on June 2, 2011 [13 favorites]
posted by zoomorphic at 11:59 AM on June 2, 2011 [13 favorites]
Could you test the waters with Amanda? Invent stories or experiences with hummers and strippers and gauge her reactions to those? Ask her what she thinks.. that kind of thing. If she is against it, like you suspect then I would go to the friends.
posted by royalsong at 11:59 AM on June 2, 2011
posted by royalsong at 11:59 AM on June 2, 2011
are you friends with anyone that is closer to the planning group? if so - maybe tell them that they should talk to the high school group. if not - i think you have to just go and be there for her to complain to.
posted by nadawi at 11:59 AM on June 2, 2011
posted by nadawi at 11:59 AM on June 2, 2011
Best answer: Is it possible these folks might know another side of Amanda? I have a few different sets of friends, some know me as that ex-stoner with the twisted sense of humor who loves a good fart joke and others who know me as a mild mannered, responsible suburban dad who knows which fork to use. I can enjoy spending time with all of them, though I keep the different groups away from each other.
I would butt out, and if it crashes and burns it's on them. If you say anything, it might be along the lines of "Wow, you guys must know a whole different side of Amanda. I had no idea she'd be into this sort of party!"
posted by bondcliff at 12:01 PM on June 2, 2011 [8 favorites]
I would butt out, and if it crashes and burns it's on them. If you say anything, it might be along the lines of "Wow, you guys must know a whole different side of Amanda. I had no idea she'd be into this sort of party!"
posted by bondcliff at 12:01 PM on June 2, 2011 [8 favorites]
I also vote for letting Amanda know. If she's okay with it, great, if not, then she can help you decide what to do next. The high school friends probably would also like Amanda to enjoy her party.
posted by jeather at 12:02 PM on June 2, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by jeather at 12:02 PM on June 2, 2011 [1 favorite]
I'd just flat-out say to Amanda "Hey, uh, this bachelorette party might not be what you're in to -- you might want to look in to that."
It's her responsibility to tell the planners what she is and isn't up for. It's your responsibility to warn her if you think things might be headed in a bad-idea direction.
posted by incessant at 12:04 PM on June 2, 2011 [7 favorites]
It's her responsibility to tell the planners what she is and isn't up for. It's your responsibility to warn her if you think things might be headed in a bad-idea direction.
posted by incessant at 12:04 PM on June 2, 2011 [7 favorites]
Best answer: Tell them. Please, tell them.
I react very, very poorly to embarrassment - mine or otherwise - am an ardent feminist, and would rather set fire to a Hummer than set foot in one, even as a joke. I would have a horrible time. A horrible, horrible time. Especially because I would feel like I a) couldn't tell the girls who organized the party that they obviously did not know me at all, b) wouldn't feel comfortable complaining to anyone about the party, c) I would die - DIE! - if I had to be the center of attention while interacting with a stripper. Die.
They really might not know her very well as an adult. They might be assuming that she's going to be excited about all those things because they are, annoyingly enough, stereotypical things to do at bachelorette/stagette parties. Tell them before everybody has a terrible time. If they've already talked to Amanda about it and she said she's fine with it, then that's what they'll tell you. And then, and only then, can you butt out.
posted by lydhre at 12:07 PM on June 2, 2011 [10 favorites]
I react very, very poorly to embarrassment - mine or otherwise - am an ardent feminist, and would rather set fire to a Hummer than set foot in one, even as a joke. I would have a horrible time. A horrible, horrible time. Especially because I would feel like I a) couldn't tell the girls who organized the party that they obviously did not know me at all, b) wouldn't feel comfortable complaining to anyone about the party, c) I would die - DIE! - if I had to be the center of attention while interacting with a stripper. Die.
They really might not know her very well as an adult. They might be assuming that she's going to be excited about all those things because they are, annoyingly enough, stereotypical things to do at bachelorette/stagette parties. Tell them before everybody has a terrible time. If they've already talked to Amanda about it and she said she's fine with it, then that's what they'll tell you. And then, and only then, can you butt out.
posted by lydhre at 12:07 PM on June 2, 2011 [10 favorites]
Another vote for telling Amanda. At least tell her she might want to check in on the plans.
On preview, exactly what incessant said.
posted by grapesaresour at 12:07 PM on June 2, 2011 [1 favorite]
On preview, exactly what incessant said.
posted by grapesaresour at 12:07 PM on June 2, 2011 [1 favorite]
I'd want my good friend to let me know what's going on so I could approach my well-meaning childhood friends and put a stop to the penis cakes and whatnot
Um, seriously. Mention it to her, and maybe offer to be the bad guy and confront the planners so she doesn't have to. (Fib: "Listen guys, Amanda and I went to a stagette with a stripper last year and she said afterwards that it was totally not her thing, what about if we all take ecstasy and run around in the woods instead..." or whatever.) Not only would I hate this party if it were thrown for me, but I would probably suffer through it in silence rather than risk sounding like an ingrate buzzkill by complaining.
posted by milk white peacock at 12:11 PM on June 2, 2011
Um, seriously. Mention it to her, and maybe offer to be the bad guy and confront the planners so she doesn't have to. (Fib: "Listen guys, Amanda and I went to a stagette with a stripper last year and she said afterwards that it was totally not her thing, what about if we all take ecstasy and run around in the woods instead..." or whatever.) Not only would I hate this party if it were thrown for me, but I would probably suffer through it in silence rather than risk sounding like an ingrate buzzkill by complaining.
posted by milk white peacock at 12:11 PM on June 2, 2011
My stagette party was thrown by my sister-in-law-to-be and her friends, *whom I'd never met*.
She (my sister-in-law-to-be) bought me some *really* embarrassing lingerie, and then drove me around to a few different bars, where I sat and watched them dance while I nursed a single drink.
Eventually I begged my *other* future sister-in-law-to-be (who was just as mortified as I was) to take me home. I don't think I was missed.
So if you KNOW that Amanda won't like the stagette party, put up a red flag to the organizers, if you can.
(And if you really want to be a friend, help her think of an escape plan during the evening if necessary.)
posted by Lucinda at 12:11 PM on June 2, 2011
She (my sister-in-law-to-be) bought me some *really* embarrassing lingerie, and then drove me around to a few different bars, where I sat and watched them dance while I nursed a single drink.
Eventually I begged my *other* future sister-in-law-to-be (who was just as mortified as I was) to take me home. I don't think I was missed.
So if you KNOW that Amanda won't like the stagette party, put up a red flag to the organizers, if you can.
(And if you really want to be a friend, help her think of an escape plan during the evening if necessary.)
posted by Lucinda at 12:11 PM on June 2, 2011
Best answer: Well now, I met a friend in law school and, after knowing her for three years, planned and attended her stagette. Through law school, I would have described her as studious, reserved, classy and quiet. When I teased her about planning a stagette with male strippers, she smiled and said, "Bring it." So I did.
My quiet and reserved friend won the pole-dancing contest, talked a couple of strippers into lap-dances, and (I think I remember this part) managed to get a few shots on the house. We all had a fantastic, hilarious and out-of-character good time and cleaned up the next weekend for her classy, elegant wedding.
Point: You may not know Amanda as well as you think you do. Lots of us have different faces with different friends. Start a conversation with the planning friends by saying, "Wow, I've never seen this side of Amanda. Do you think she'll go for it?" You may get a story about the raucous times she had before she met you. I would recommend against telling her unless the friends' response is something more like, "Everybody likes cock flavored lollipops, duh."
posted by motsque at 12:19 PM on June 2, 2011 [11 favorites]
My quiet and reserved friend won the pole-dancing contest, talked a couple of strippers into lap-dances, and (I think I remember this part) managed to get a few shots on the house. We all had a fantastic, hilarious and out-of-character good time and cleaned up the next weekend for her classy, elegant wedding.
Point: You may not know Amanda as well as you think you do. Lots of us have different faces with different friends. Start a conversation with the planning friends by saying, "Wow, I've never seen this side of Amanda. Do you think she'll go for it?" You may get a story about the raucous times she had before she met you. I would recommend against telling her unless the friends' response is something more like, "Everybody likes cock flavored lollipops, duh."
posted by motsque at 12:19 PM on June 2, 2011 [11 favorites]
Another vote for mentioning it to Amanda. Even a quick "hey, so if your party consists of naked dudes and ecoclogically distructive giant vehicle, you be down with that?"
if yes, awesome. if no, awsome- crisis averted.
posted by Blisterlips at 12:20 PM on June 2, 2011 [3 favorites]
if yes, awesome. if no, awsome- crisis averted.
posted by Blisterlips at 12:20 PM on June 2, 2011 [3 favorites]
If Amanda's a drinker (or was when you were roommates), then I wouldn't say anything. Let her live it up, it's her "last night of freedom" before getting married. I was initially very embarrassed at my party, it was not something I would have planned myself, but after a few drinks it was lots of fun and I don't regret it. It's literally the last time I got wild and crazy.
If she's never, ever been a party girl, then yeah, tell her, she will be miserable. Nothing worse than being sober at your own party while everyone else is puking in the back of the Hummer.
posted by desjardins at 12:20 PM on June 2, 2011
If she's never, ever been a party girl, then yeah, tell her, she will be miserable. Nothing worse than being sober at your own party while everyone else is puking in the back of the Hummer.
posted by desjardins at 12:20 PM on June 2, 2011
It doesn't sound like you are ever going to have to deal with these people again, so I say be blunt with them: "I don't know who the Hummer and stripper is for, but it's not Amanda. I'm already uncomfortable on her behalf. Let's go back to the back yard and spend $20 each on a great cake or catered BBQ or something, okay?"
If you are ignored, then tell Amanda she needs to touch base with her planners. If you would feel uncomfortable attending the party that's planned, you can tell her that as well.
posted by Lyn Never at 12:23 PM on June 2, 2011
If you are ignored, then tell Amanda she needs to touch base with her planners. If you would feel uncomfortable attending the party that's planned, you can tell her that as well.
posted by Lyn Never at 12:23 PM on June 2, 2011
ALSO.
i mean, you really are not going to be spoiling any surprises here. it's strippers and a freakin limo. I think it's totally safe.
posted by Blisterlips at 12:23 PM on June 2, 2011 [3 favorites]
i mean, you really are not going to be spoiling any surprises here. it's strippers and a freakin limo. I think it's totally safe.
posted by Blisterlips at 12:23 PM on June 2, 2011 [3 favorites]
As a feminist and bicycle-commuting Amanda, I feel compelled to respond! It sounds like it's being planned as a surprise? If that's the case, then I think you should mention it to her. Since it sounds off-base, ask her if she wants you to say anything about it to them. Acknowlege that you are spoiling the surprise and if she wants you to set them back on the BBQ track then do so. But if these other ladies get headstrong or she seems unconcerned, butt out. Bachelorette parties are generally ridiculous affairs. The worst that could happen is to have an "OMG, I could not believe it..." story.
posted by amanda at 12:24 PM on June 2, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by amanda at 12:24 PM on June 2, 2011 [2 favorites]
there's always someone asshole whining that they don't like the location, the food, whatever
If that person is one of the friends of the bride, that person should either suck it up or not attend. If that person is the bride, it's OK for her to veto a party in her honor that would actually embarrass her, offend her, or make her uncomfortable.
Depending on the personalities involved, you could speak up with the party planners as suggested by Lyn Never.
Alternatively, you could bring the issue up with Amanda somewhat casually, like, "I was wondering what your ideal stagette would be like--can you describe it?" If she says she wants to break out of her usual shell, and that by "demure" she meant only one male stripper, not five, don't say anything further. But if she says, "I'd like a quiet evening with my friends" or "Oh god, I'd die of embarrassment if it was an anatomical cake/bar hopping/male stripper kind of party," then I think the right thing to do is to say, "Your friends love you and want to give you a good party, but they do not understand that you don't want that kind of party."
posted by Meg_Murry at 12:31 PM on June 2, 2011 [7 favorites]
If that person is one of the friends of the bride, that person should either suck it up or not attend. If that person is the bride, it's OK for her to veto a party in her honor that would actually embarrass her, offend her, or make her uncomfortable.
Depending on the personalities involved, you could speak up with the party planners as suggested by Lyn Never.
Alternatively, you could bring the issue up with Amanda somewhat casually, like, "I was wondering what your ideal stagette would be like--can you describe it?" If she says she wants to break out of her usual shell, and that by "demure" she meant only one male stripper, not five, don't say anything further. But if she says, "I'd like a quiet evening with my friends" or "Oh god, I'd die of embarrassment if it was an anatomical cake/bar hopping/male stripper kind of party," then I think the right thing to do is to say, "Your friends love you and want to give you a good party, but they do not understand that you don't want that kind of party."
posted by Meg_Murry at 12:31 PM on June 2, 2011 [7 favorites]
Just chiming in here and agreeing with pretty much everyone else. Please tell her. I certainly would not want my last "single" outing with my friends leaving me embarassed and uncomfortable. Plus, they might have good intentions in their plans and if she ends up hating it, everyone's feelings could end up getting hurt.
Also, I'd die too. It doesn't sound like "fun" at all. Bleh.
posted by ForeverDcember at 12:39 PM on June 2, 2011
Also, I'd die too. It doesn't sound like "fun" at all. Bleh.
posted by ForeverDcember at 12:39 PM on June 2, 2011
Tell Amanda what the plans are, and let her tell her other friends to knock them off if she wants. Who cares about ruining a surprise that probably should be ruined in the first place?
posted by katypickle at 12:39 PM on June 2, 2011
posted by katypickle at 12:39 PM on June 2, 2011
I'd absolutely want to be told. Better a spoiled surprise than a bad one.
posted by Metroid Baby at 12:41 PM on June 2, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by Metroid Baby at 12:41 PM on June 2, 2011 [2 favorites]
I was in a very similar situation and did not regret saying something to the bride and the organizers.
posted by yarly at 12:44 PM on June 2, 2011
posted by yarly at 12:44 PM on June 2, 2011
I actually, ahem, have a wee bit of experience to share here.
Years ago (back when dinosaurs roamed the earth and I was engaged to be married to Ralph) some ladies at work planned a lingerie shower for me. Now, bear in mind that I was a Bible college student, and just about as conservative as I am now if not more so.
I'm not sure how she found out (I assume there was a mole at work) but one of the church elder's wives who I was close to made it a point to, without coming right out and telling me what to expect, let me know that I just needed to remember these women loved me and were trying to bless me in their own way.
It was just enough of a heads up to enable me to handle the fact that along with the lingerie I would also be getting edible underwear, a vibrator, condoms, and other interesting but rather risque items. I simply remembered the advice I had been given and rolled with it. Another coworker who was totally horrified at what I was getting (this was all at the workplace, mind you) hid out in the office with a very sour look on her face, later "consoling" me on what I'd had to endure.
So, my advice is to hint to the bride so she would have a bit of preparation, without ruining the "surprise" . If she is a big girl, she can endure one night of discomfort. In fact I suspect her friends know this is not her cup of tea and are doing it for precisely that reason.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 12:45 PM on June 2, 2011 [13 favorites]
Years ago (back when dinosaurs roamed the earth and I was engaged to be married to Ralph) some ladies at work planned a lingerie shower for me. Now, bear in mind that I was a Bible college student, and just about as conservative as I am now if not more so.
I'm not sure how she found out (I assume there was a mole at work) but one of the church elder's wives who I was close to made it a point to, without coming right out and telling me what to expect, let me know that I just needed to remember these women loved me and were trying to bless me in their own way.
It was just enough of a heads up to enable me to handle the fact that along with the lingerie I would also be getting edible underwear, a vibrator, condoms, and other interesting but rather risque items. I simply remembered the advice I had been given and rolled with it. Another coworker who was totally horrified at what I was getting (this was all at the workplace, mind you) hid out in the office with a very sour look on her face, later "consoling" me on what I'd had to endure.
So, my advice is to hint to the bride so she would have a bit of preparation, without ruining the "surprise" . If she is a big girl, she can endure one night of discomfort. In fact I suspect her friends know this is not her cup of tea and are doing it for precisely that reason.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 12:45 PM on June 2, 2011 [13 favorites]
In fact I suspect her friends know this is not her cup of tea and are doing it for precisely that reason.
I'm sorry, that makes them shitty friends, in my opinion. If my friends did that to me, on purpose to make me squirm, I'd be getting new friends, pronto.
You have some good advice upthread, owlparliament, like hinting to Amanda and telling the organizers that you don't think it sounds like she'd have a good time. You know her best; would she appreciate the heads up or would she rather have you come out and say, "Your friends are planning a Hummer ride and male stripper. Are you okay with that?"
posted by cooker girl at 12:51 PM on June 2, 2011 [8 favorites]
I'm sorry, that makes them shitty friends, in my opinion. If my friends did that to me, on purpose to make me squirm, I'd be getting new friends, pronto.
You have some good advice upthread, owlparliament, like hinting to Amanda and telling the organizers that you don't think it sounds like she'd have a good time. You know her best; would she appreciate the heads up or would she rather have you come out and say, "Your friends are planning a Hummer ride and male stripper. Are you okay with that?"
posted by cooker girl at 12:51 PM on June 2, 2011 [8 favorites]
Best answer: I agree with everyone those who think you should talk to the bride about this, but you should probably phrase it in the least biased way possible, so she'd be comfortable saying "Hell, yeah!" if it turns out she's into the stripper and limo thing.
posted by amarynth at 12:55 PM on June 2, 2011 [10 favorites]
posted by amarynth at 12:55 PM on June 2, 2011 [10 favorites]
As another feminist and bicycle-commuting Amanda I too feel compelled to respond.
I waffle on this question, but after St. Alia's response I think you should mention it to Amanda, hint-style. Perhaps, "Hey, you must have been some kind of crazy back in high school if the party your pals are planning is any indication!" I might also say a similar thing on the facebook wall -- "the Amanda I know hates hummers and strippers! People really change, huh?"
I'm not sure I'd confront her directly -- weddings are stressful enough without having to deal with that, I think. On the other hand, I would be half mortified and half bored out of my skull at an event like that and would want to know about it beforehand. Tricky situation.
posted by AmandaA at 12:57 PM on June 2, 2011 [5 favorites]
I waffle on this question, but after St. Alia's response I think you should mention it to Amanda, hint-style. Perhaps, "Hey, you must have been some kind of crazy back in high school if the party your pals are planning is any indication!" I might also say a similar thing on the facebook wall -- "the Amanda I know hates hummers and strippers! People really change, huh?"
I'm not sure I'd confront her directly -- weddings are stressful enough without having to deal with that, I think. On the other hand, I would be half mortified and half bored out of my skull at an event like that and would want to know about it beforehand. Tricky situation.
posted by AmandaA at 12:57 PM on June 2, 2011 [5 favorites]
I was coming to say what Amarynth did. I think if you're going to tell her you have to do so in a way that would leave her happy to admit that she doesn't mind or even wants a hummer/stripper kind of party.
It would be bad if you told her, with the best of intentions, and made her uncomfortable with telling you thats the kind of party she wants or doesn't mind because she feels like she has to live up to your expectations.
Although I think if you're subtle about it she would probably be relieved to have a heads up or at least happy to know you have her back.
posted by SpaceWarp13 at 1:01 PM on June 2, 2011
It would be bad if you told her, with the best of intentions, and made her uncomfortable with telling you thats the kind of party she wants or doesn't mind because she feels like she has to live up to your expectations.
Although I think if you're subtle about it she would probably be relieved to have a heads up or at least happy to know you have her back.
posted by SpaceWarp13 at 1:01 PM on June 2, 2011
Something to keep in mind as you approach this -- though many of us change quite a bit from our youth to our adulthood, we often, for whatever reason, put on the old masks (or some could say remove the new masks) when we get together with old friends. So as you approach this situation, keep in mind that though the Amanda you know might not want anything to do with this, she may not mind doing so with her old friends. If you approach her, do it with this in mind.
In other words, don't go in with the attitude "Hey, your gross friends are going to do this gross thing than only gross people would like. So, gross, right?" but instead "Hey, heads up, sounds like plans have changed... you okay with this?"
I realize this is fairly obvious advice from a manners stand point, but that doesn't mean people always follow it. Please don't make her choose between the person she is now and the person she used to be because sometimes we might want, at least for a night or for reasons not understood, to be the people we used to be.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 1:01 PM on June 2, 2011 [4 favorites]
In other words, don't go in with the attitude "Hey, your gross friends are going to do this gross thing than only gross people would like. So, gross, right?" but instead "Hey, heads up, sounds like plans have changed... you okay with this?"
I realize this is fairly obvious advice from a manners stand point, but that doesn't mean people always follow it. Please don't make her choose between the person she is now and the person she used to be because sometimes we might want, at least for a night or for reasons not understood, to be the people we used to be.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 1:01 PM on June 2, 2011 [4 favorites]
On review after post, amarynth made my point better and more concisely.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 1:03 PM on June 2, 2011
posted by MCMikeNamara at 1:03 PM on June 2, 2011
AmandaA 's suggestion for a friendly hint is a good one: "Hey, you must have been some kind of crazy back in high school if the party your pals are planning is any indication!"
It gives her a good hint, without seeming like you're making judgements. It's just an amused observation. Then she can steer the conversation from there.
posted by JuliaIglesias at 1:22 PM on June 2, 2011 [1 favorite]
It gives her a good hint, without seeming like you're making judgements. It's just an amused observation. Then she can steer the conversation from there.
posted by JuliaIglesias at 1:22 PM on June 2, 2011 [1 favorite]
I wanted to second Lucinda's idea at having a getaway plan for your friend. If it isn't her thing, but she is too shy or uncomfortable to say anything, or doesn't want to go against the grain of these old friends, you might plan to have cab fare so you and her can jet out of there after an appropriate amount of time.
posted by I am the Walrus at 1:50 PM on June 2, 2011
posted by I am the Walrus at 1:50 PM on June 2, 2011
Another vote here for tipping off your friend. I like the suggestions that you phrase the hint neutrally, so that if she likes the idea of letting loose in an uncharacteristic way, she won't feel like you'll be silently judging her the whole evening. But if she says she would hate the strippers-and-Hummers party, this way either she can say something, or you can hopefully steer the planners towards something more to her taste.
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 1:53 PM on June 2, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 1:53 PM on June 2, 2011 [1 favorite]
Uggh. I am probably like your friend and her friends could be mine. My maid of honor (also a friend from childhood) ignored my stagette party specifications and presented me with a "suck for a buck" t-shirt, a giant BRIDE tiara and sash, and apparently the entire penis-related inventory of the local Spencer's Gifts. And also a list of "challenges" (kiss a bald guy's head, borrow a condom, etc.)* I got through the night but didn't really enjoy myself, and was pretty annoyed at my MOH. If they had given me a stripper I would have been launched into Introvert Hell.
*OK I really do like my MOH but I have revoked her party-planning privileges and have significant revenge plotted for her future stagette. It is so on.
My point being, I wish one of my other friends had said "Hey, your MOH is apparently going shopping for penis stuff at Spencer's Gifts" so I could have the chance to call her up and tell her STOP IT AND PUT DOWN THE COCK SHAPED MINTS. And I don't know about Amanda but I would have hated a stripper and a Hummer limo at 18 as much as I would have at 25. People change, but not always. And some of us introverts get stuck with the extroverted high school friends who think it's hilaaaaarious to see how much they can embarrass us.
I definitely think you should give Amanda some kind of warning. If you want to try to keep the surprise intact, I agree with hinting at how wild the party sounds like it's going to be. You could also lightly mention "haha hey, should we get you a stripper?" and then see if she laughs it off or gives you a horrified "don't you even dare, I would just DIE." If it's like the second response you could suggest she let her party planners know how she feels re: strippers.
posted by castlebravo at 1:54 PM on June 2, 2011 [5 favorites]
*OK I really do like my MOH but I have revoked her party-planning privileges and have significant revenge plotted for her future stagette. It is so on.
My point being, I wish one of my other friends had said "Hey, your MOH is apparently going shopping for penis stuff at Spencer's Gifts" so I could have the chance to call her up and tell her STOP IT AND PUT DOWN THE COCK SHAPED MINTS. And I don't know about Amanda but I would have hated a stripper and a Hummer limo at 18 as much as I would have at 25. People change, but not always. And some of us introverts get stuck with the extroverted high school friends who think it's hilaaaaarious to see how much they can embarrass us.
I definitely think you should give Amanda some kind of warning. If you want to try to keep the surprise intact, I agree with hinting at how wild the party sounds like it's going to be. You could also lightly mention "haha hey, should we get you a stripper?" and then see if she laughs it off or gives you a horrified "don't you even dare, I would just DIE." If it's like the second response you could suggest she let her party planners know how she feels re: strippers.
posted by castlebravo at 1:54 PM on June 2, 2011 [5 favorites]
As ANOTHER bicycle-commuting feminist - an introverted one who will be getting married in 2 months even- I hope you find a tactful way to mention the current plans to Amanda. Hummer limos, male strippers, and bar hopping sounds hellish to me. I would utterly, utterly dread such an occasion, and nobody should have to dread seeing old friends in preparation for a wedding. I HATE it when people try to cajole me in to being "wild and crazy" - that's not me and it never has been. If Amanda feels anything like I do, she'll be immensely grateful to you for letting her know. If the party happens as planned anyway, at least she can mentally prepare.
posted by Cygnet at 2:03 PM on June 2, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by Cygnet at 2:03 PM on June 2, 2011 [2 favorites]
I would say if you're going to mention something to the party planners, have some alternative ideas to propose that you know Amanda will like. It's quite possible these girls are going for the typical bachelorette themes simply because they don't know Amanda's preferences.
posted by Dragonness at 2:21 PM on June 2, 2011 [4 favorites]
posted by Dragonness at 2:21 PM on June 2, 2011 [4 favorites]
I'd hold my horses on the tattling at first. It seems like it'd be pretty easy to find out whether it'll be ok without coming off like "I'm the one who knows the real Amanda". Just be honest, and say "whoa! are you sure she's going to be into this?" If they say, "no - she's going to die!" then it's fair to spoil away and try to change trajectory, but it's entirely possible that she's up for it, has been to stagette nights with these girls before, etc. Honestly, I think that "tacky stagette" is redundant - I can't imagine anyone being shocked and appalled by allowing others to plan such a night and then finding out that it includes going to bars and maybe a stripper. The women I know mostly wouldn't be into this, and accordingly, the brides I've known have let their wishes for an "alternative" kind of evening be known. This seems like a pretty default kind of bachelorette, no?
posted by moxiedoll at 2:27 PM on June 2, 2011
posted by moxiedoll at 2:27 PM on June 2, 2011
Personally, this is absolutely not what I would want for my hen night - the thought of going about with a group of drunk girls in matching 'WEDDING TOUR' pink T-shirts and having to smile through gifts of sub-par sex-toys would make me feel a bit depressed, if not keen on taking a vow of chastity. I would be mortified if this was what was in store for mer, because it just really isn't me, and above all, it's super cliched. I think my close friends have a good idea this is the case, which sounds like the position you're in.
However, some people do want to do the cliched thing. Hen parties/stagettes are pretty known for being tacky, and there are many many women who would never don penis deely-boppers in theory but find the idea of a 'quiet' hen party pretty dull. This might be what they think she really wants, because isn't it just what you do for these occasions? I would be dropping subtle hints - suggesting the kind of bars she;d normally go to (and explain that this is why you're suggesting it) or the kind of things she'd normally do. You could tactfully point out that not everyone has $50 to spare on a hummer, for example, or so and so doesn't drink.
posted by mippy at 2:59 PM on June 2, 2011
However, some people do want to do the cliched thing. Hen parties/stagettes are pretty known for being tacky, and there are many many women who would never don penis deely-boppers in theory but find the idea of a 'quiet' hen party pretty dull. This might be what they think she really wants, because isn't it just what you do for these occasions? I would be dropping subtle hints - suggesting the kind of bars she;d normally go to (and explain that this is why you're suggesting it) or the kind of things she'd normally do. You could tactfully point out that not everyone has $50 to spare on a hummer, for example, or so and so doesn't drink.
posted by mippy at 2:59 PM on June 2, 2011
This seems like a pretty default kind of bachelorette, no?
I don't know--I've never been to a tacky bachelorette, ever. It's quite possible I am in the minority, but I actually would be shocked and unprepared if people I considered my friends planned a strippers-and-Hummers evening for me. It just would not occur to me that anyone who knew me at all would think I'd like it. And if they planned it knowing full well I wouldn't like it, I'd be fairly pissed too.
So if Amanda really isn't into this sort of thing, I think there's a good possibility that she may assume her friends know her tastes and would plan accordingly. So...she might get a big old unpleasant surprise if she isn't tipped off. And, from the friends' point of view, they might be sad if she ended up unhappy at the party they'd planned. I think I'd rather err on the side of, if not telling, then broad hints to suss out whether or not this type of party is welcome for her.
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 3:25 PM on June 2, 2011 [1 favorite]
I don't know--I've never been to a tacky bachelorette, ever. It's quite possible I am in the minority, but I actually would be shocked and unprepared if people I considered my friends planned a strippers-and-Hummers evening for me. It just would not occur to me that anyone who knew me at all would think I'd like it. And if they planned it knowing full well I wouldn't like it, I'd be fairly pissed too.
So if Amanda really isn't into this sort of thing, I think there's a good possibility that she may assume her friends know her tastes and would plan accordingly. So...she might get a big old unpleasant surprise if she isn't tipped off. And, from the friends' point of view, they might be sad if she ended up unhappy at the party they'd planned. I think I'd rather err on the side of, if not telling, then broad hints to suss out whether or not this type of party is welcome for her.
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 3:25 PM on June 2, 2011 [1 favorite]
The squarest, most conservative girl I know RELISHED her penis straw and strippers and boy-on-the-street scavenger hunt, much to my surprise.
I had my one cocktail at Cheesecake Factory with her while she wore lingerie over her "BRIDE TO BE" t-shirt, handed the party planners cash for the night out and begged myself out of it with a "oh, look at the time" excuse.
Before that night, I would have bet money she would have preferred an expensive, elegant, wine and posh BS with mani-pedis with a chick flick (that I also would have hated, 'cause I'm a pill). But she surprised me because, like it or not, her childhood friends knew her better than I did.
She even demurred about the stripper and the lingerie, but in a way that said she needed to be absolved of the tacky by us "forcing her into it" -- this took one fuzzy navel.
Don't ruin the surprise by saying, "HEY THEY'RE GETTING YOU A HUMMER, BUT YOU'RE BETTER THAN THAT."
You could say, however, "Amanda, I think you're awesome, but your hen party sounds like it's going to be a bit wild/embarrassing for me. I'm going to go but please, please, please don't be offended if I beg out early. It's about my discomfort, not how much I like hanging out/having fun with you/etc."
Scenario A: She thinks you're a square pill and wrinkles her nose at you. She would have also done this if you just sat in the back of the Hummer with your arms crossed while someone else flashes pedestrians and drunkenly sings along to Miley Cyrus.
Scenario B: She tells you it's OK. She knows how hen parties/staggets can get -- particularly in her friend group. This way you can beg out at any or all of it and you know that she won't hold it against you for not putting your foot down.
Scenario C: She looks at you and says, "Whuuuuuuuut?!!?" You say, "You know, the standard stag party stuff. I think you're amazing and I want to have fun. It's just not my scene and I get squeamish so I don't think I'll be any fun." She will not assume there is a potluck and canasta involved. You have warned her. You have not "tattled" on anyone. And she can either be prepared or put a stop to it and it's in her hands.
Scenario D: Ashton Kutcher jumps out, tells you that you have indeed been Punk'd and you have passed the good friend test and confetti drops from the ceiling as she hugs you.
I'm guessing B or C will happen.
posted by Gucky at 4:16 PM on June 2, 2011 [14 favorites]
I had my one cocktail at Cheesecake Factory with her while she wore lingerie over her "BRIDE TO BE" t-shirt, handed the party planners cash for the night out and begged myself out of it with a "oh, look at the time" excuse.
Before that night, I would have bet money she would have preferred an expensive, elegant, wine and posh BS with mani-pedis with a chick flick (that I also would have hated, 'cause I'm a pill). But she surprised me because, like it or not, her childhood friends knew her better than I did.
She even demurred about the stripper and the lingerie, but in a way that said she needed to be absolved of the tacky by us "forcing her into it" -- this took one fuzzy navel.
Don't ruin the surprise by saying, "HEY THEY'RE GETTING YOU A HUMMER, BUT YOU'RE BETTER THAN THAT."
You could say, however, "Amanda, I think you're awesome, but your hen party sounds like it's going to be a bit wild/embarrassing for me. I'm going to go but please, please, please don't be offended if I beg out early. It's about my discomfort, not how much I like hanging out/having fun with you/etc."
Scenario A: She thinks you're a square pill and wrinkles her nose at you. She would have also done this if you just sat in the back of the Hummer with your arms crossed while someone else flashes pedestrians and drunkenly sings along to Miley Cyrus.
Scenario B: She tells you it's OK. She knows how hen parties/staggets can get -- particularly in her friend group. This way you can beg out at any or all of it and you know that she won't hold it against you for not putting your foot down.
Scenario C: She looks at you and says, "Whuuuuuuuut?!!?" You say, "You know, the standard stag party stuff. I think you're amazing and I want to have fun. It's just not my scene and I get squeamish so I don't think I'll be any fun." She will not assume there is a potluck and canasta involved. You have warned her. You have not "tattled" on anyone. And she can either be prepared or put a stop to it and it's in her hands.
Scenario D: Ashton Kutcher jumps out, tells you that you have indeed been Punk'd and you have passed the good friend test and confetti drops from the ceiling as she hugs you.
I'm guessing B or C will happen.
posted by Gucky at 4:16 PM on June 2, 2011 [14 favorites]
You could say, however, "Amanda, I think you're awesome, but your hen party sounds like it's going to be a bit wild/embarrassing for me. I'm going to go but please, please, please don't be offended if I beg out early. It's about my discomfort, not how much I like hanging out/having fun with you/etc."
I just wanted to pull that out because I think it's the best solution so far.
posted by endless_forms at 8:52 PM on June 2, 2011
I just wanted to pull that out because I think it's the best solution so far.
posted by endless_forms at 8:52 PM on June 2, 2011
I agree, endless_forms. Gucky's solution is very graceful and allows everyone to save face.
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 9:25 PM on June 2, 2011
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 9:25 PM on June 2, 2011
Don't tell her. Chill out, and decide it's your job to make sure Amanda has fun no matter what. Because then I bet that you will have fun.
posted by bluedaisy at 10:16 PM on June 2, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by bluedaisy at 10:16 PM on June 2, 2011 [1 favorite]
In fact I suspect her friends know this is not her cup of tea and are doing it for precisely that reason.
There was a comment to a different question, a while ago, that I can't find, but it was something like "a person's bachelor/ette party should be something he or she enjoys doing, taken to ridiculous, crazy extremes."
posted by Lucinda at 6:35 AM on June 3, 2011 [1 favorite]
There was a comment to a different question, a while ago, that I can't find, but it was something like "a person's bachelor/ette party should be something he or she enjoys doing, taken to ridiculous, crazy extremes."
posted by Lucinda at 6:35 AM on June 3, 2011 [1 favorite]
I really like Gucky's solution here. No tattling, puts all of the stripper-lingerie-Hummer-hate on you, and allows her a heads-up without being so obvious. That sounds like a very graceful option.
posted by amicamentis at 9:13 AM on June 3, 2011
posted by amicamentis at 9:13 AM on June 3, 2011
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I vote you approach the friends -- if you're not emotionally invested in those people already, then the worst that happens is you have a lousy evening with people that you pissed off, then you never see them again.
posted by gurple at 11:55 AM on June 2, 2011 [8 favorites]