tastes good but not in good taste?
May 26, 2011 10:10 PM   Subscribe

Would it be in bad taste for me to bring wine to a dinner party hosted by two recovering alcoholics? I know at least 3 of the other 5 guests are drinkers, so it's not like I'd be drinking the wine alone. Should I just bring a plant?
posted by BadgerDoctor to Society & Culture (55 answers total) 1 user marked this as a favorite
 
Yes - bring a plant.
posted by mleigh at 10:11 PM on May 26, 2011 [8 favorites]


Yep, leave the wine at home. If they weren't the hosts, I would say go for it, but, it's their home, respect who they are and what they have accomplished.
posted by tomswift at 10:12 PM on May 26, 2011 [8 favorites]


I'd err on the safe side.
posted by salvia at 10:12 PM on May 26, 2011 [3 favorites]


Yes, bring something else. A present you bring to a dinner party is meant to be for the hosts, and they won't be able to drink the wine. If you want to bring something everyone can enjoy on the night, maybe a nice dessert/cake?
posted by mudkicker at 10:14 PM on May 26, 2011 [16 favorites]


Do they like plants? Bring a dessert. Without alcohol in it.
posted by iconomy at 10:14 PM on May 26, 2011 [1 favorite]


If there's any way of getting in touch with the other guests, why not see if everybody can agree to have a dry night? You might even find you enjoy the difference.
posted by UbuRoivas at 10:16 PM on May 26, 2011 [2 favorites]


Yes, absolutely. Bring a cheesecake or something...
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 10:20 PM on May 26, 2011 [2 favorites]


Yeah, although, in practice, bottles are shared, they are technically a gift to the hosts - so it would be very bad form to give them an alcoholic gift.
posted by moxiedoll at 10:20 PM on May 26, 2011 [1 favorite]


No way, not if they're the hosts. If it was just other guests I'd tell you to fill your boots.
posted by tumid dahlia at 10:21 PM on May 26, 2011


Food or flowers.
posted by you're a kitty! at 10:23 PM on May 26, 2011 [1 favorite]


Some folks might be fine with this, but I'm not sure how you would know that without asking them. If you're not comfortable asking them, then definitely do NOT do this.
posted by bluedaisy at 10:24 PM on May 26, 2011


I think it would be tasteless, honestly. These people are in a very sensitive position. Just bring some Godiva.
posted by JeSuisLibre at 10:25 PM on May 26, 2011 [19 favorites]


Bring dessert, or even some fancy sodas if you want to bring a beverage. Microbrewed root beer or some Fentimans, or some fruit soda from Whole Foods.
posted by cmgonzalez at 10:31 PM on May 26, 2011 [5 favorites]


Dessert can be tricky, especially if they've already made one. Some pricey chocolate they can put away for later would be nice.
posted by obiwanwasabi at 10:37 PM on May 26, 2011 [1 favorite]


How about asking what you can bring? If they say wine for you and the others, great. If they say "nothing" bring something else. Ideas:

If they love to cook: a fancy bottle of olive oil
If they love coffee: a bag of high end beans
If it's a barbecue: a citronella candle or special marinade
Sweet tooth: Box of candy or fresh cookies
posted by cecic at 10:40 PM on May 26, 2011 [3 favorites]


Don't bring a plant (unless it is a cut flower or the like). Plants require maintenance and some people don't want to do it, but feel bad about letting the plants die or throwing them out.
posted by grouse at 10:52 PM on May 26, 2011 [2 favorites]


Sparkling apple juice (like Martinelli's) in a nice bottle would be fine in this neighborhood. No alcohol unless they specifically encourage it in the invite.
posted by zippy at 11:13 PM on May 26, 2011 [1 favorite]


Little marzipan fruits are delicious and non-alcoholic and something that won't overshadow any other dessert they have planned.
posted by needs more cowbell at 11:20 PM on May 26, 2011 [3 favorites]


As someone in the hosts' position, it bothers me not one bit if my guests want to have a glass of wine with their meal, but I leave it to them to bring it with them and tell them so. I say take a bottle of wine with you if your hosts are okay with that, but also take a different gift for the hosts - flowers are good, because chocolates, particularly high end ones, may contain alcohol. If there's wine left at the end of the evening, stick the cork back in it and take it home or pour it down the sink.
posted by essexjan at 12:03 AM on May 27, 2011 [2 favorites]


My gut says it's a bad idea. I'd bring good chocolate, flowers, a dessert, maybe nice fruit, like cherries, raspberries or strawberries, or a couple of bottles of nice mineral water. But not wine.
posted by nerdfish at 12:44 AM on May 27, 2011 [1 favorite]


If in doubt, don't do it.
posted by outlier at 12:48 AM on May 27, 2011


I vote chocs.

(You people take uninvited desserts to dinner parties? If somebody brought a dessert I hadn't asked for to my dinner party I'd be insulted, but evidently ymmv.)
posted by Segundus at 1:29 AM on May 27, 2011 [1 favorite]


It'd probably be in pretty bad taste to come in clutching a bottle of plonk. I'd agree with the consensus above, and ask if there's something you could bring along.

But I'd also be quite concerned about having to go through an entire dinner party without any booze. If that's an issue for you, you could bring some whiskey in a small flask, and simply pop to the bathroom to drink some when the oppressive weight of inane conversation became too much to bear sober.
posted by Ted Maul at 1:54 AM on May 27, 2011 [2 favorites]


Yep, exquisite chocolates. Do you do after-dinner mints? Not a replacement for dessert, but something small and delicious to enjoy with coffee/tea at the end of the meal.

Don't take wine. My bio-dad and his wife are recovering alcoholics, and no matter how strongly they urged me to have a wine or beer at dinner if I wanted, I felt uncomfortable with their urging.
posted by malibustacey9999 at 2:13 AM on May 27, 2011 [1 favorite]


Little marzipan fruits are delicious and non-alcoholic and something that won't overshadow any other dessert they have planned.

There is only one correct answer and it is this.

In fact, little marzipan fruits are ALWAYS what you should bring to a dinner party. The world needs more little marzipan fruits!
posted by Meatbomb at 3:15 AM on May 27, 2011 [6 favorites]


Amongst my set we have a number of non-drinkers, and we often bring nice bread, dessert, appetizers or non-alcoholic nice drinks (eg. elderflower, sparkling apple) for nicer dinners. As for univited desserts, we ask the host if they would like us to bring it. Sometimea they already have one planned, but usually not anything special and at larger parties extra dessert is always good. But ymmv -- for us, it's usually welcome because most of us are low income and dessert is costly/lots of work. (Thus the bread - nice bread is expensive and bringing some off-sets the expense and helps fill people up so the main course stretches farther).
posted by jb at 3:22 AM on May 27, 2011


Definately NO BOOZE. Good chocolates, cut flowers, a fruit basket, or ask if you can bring a dessert or salad,or likd jb said a nice bread.

(Can you *bake* a nice bread? Even better!)
posted by easily confused at 3:49 AM on May 27, 2011 [1 favorite]


I don't know if it's available near you, but Navarro Vineyards makes grape juice out of varietal wine grapes and it is incredibly delicious (so much sugar though, but that's probably why I love it).

Navarro Vineyards Wine Grape Juice
posted by spec80 at 3:49 AM on May 27, 2011 [2 favorites]


I'm sorry, but I think spec80's Navarro Vinyards Wine Grape Juice is probably a bad idea: no wine, no wine substitutes, and nothing cooked with wine.
posted by easily confused at 4:22 AM on May 27, 2011 [2 favorites]


I think elderflower pressé is also a traditional refreshing drink brought in lieu of alcohol to parties where the hosts don't drink...
posted by running order squabble fest at 4:24 AM on May 27, 2011 [1 favorite]


No wine.
posted by OmieWise at 5:30 AM on May 27, 2011 [1 favorite]


If you have to ask whether something is in poor taste, it's in poor taste.

This obviously isn't a gift for the hosts. Unless you know that they're serving booze to their guests, or they've specifically told you that this is okay, just don't -- even if they might be okay with it.
posted by J. Wilson at 5:40 AM on May 27, 2011 [1 favorite]


There a a lot of different possible scenarios. For example:

1) Your hosts never drank alcohol because of health reasons, or as they grew up they just never got around to that whole 'trying out alcoholic beverages' thing. Since they never drank alcohol themselves they've got no idea what to buy, so they would be happy for you to bring a bottle of wine.

2) Your hosts consider alcohol a major destructive influence on society and do not want any of the stuff in their house ever.

3) Your hosts are recovering alcoholics and do not want any alcohol in their house.

4) Your hosts are recovering alcoholics. They don't mind you bringing a bottle and sharing it with other guests, just as long as you take any leftovers with you at the end of the evening.

The safest option is to bring something non-alcoholic. Any other option requires the kind of prior communication with the hosts which may be feasible only if you have some level of trust and comfort with each other.
posted by rjs at 5:57 AM on May 27, 2011


Oh, hell, should've read the question. Please disregard my option 1. My apologies.
posted by rjs at 5:58 AM on May 27, 2011


Chocolates. Recovering alcoholics looooove them!
posted by jara1953 at 6:10 AM on May 27, 2011


As a non-drinker, I never have much use for sparkling juice. It's there to stand in for alcohol when everyone else is drinking (or making a toast), because some people feel awkward when a person doesn't have a glass. In other words, it's a prop.
posted by davextreme at 6:36 AM on May 27, 2011 [4 favorites]


My word, everyone is treating these people like they have the plague! I had no idea people thought like this. It's.... I guess I'll say "useful" to get a window into what people think of non-drinkers. (Also, honestly, mildly distressing.)

That being said, your etiquette question is very thoughtful.

I can assure you that the vast majority of non-drinkers are not "fragile" or afraid of "wine substitutes" (it's... juice! It's tasty!) and they are for the most party happy to have people drinking. (That's why they're urging people to have a drink around them! They literally don't care.) There's no need to feel uncomfortable in the presence of non-drinkers. Please, everyone, you have permission to relax about all this, unless your friend is like, stumbling out the door of a rehab.

As for your hosts: they're former drinkers! They understand that "normal" people like to drink. They get it. And most likely they have made steps to ensure that there is alcohol available for the drinkers already.

If it was going to be a "dry" night, the hosts most likely would have told you all to expect that. (If it's a surprise ambush dry night, ha, well, do not go back to dinner again, because that's just rude.)

Sure, it would be nice to bring a house/dinner/hostess gift for them in the form of non-alcohol, so that everyone could enjoy. But it's also thoughtful to take care of the drinkers present on their behalf. (That being said, don't show up with two bottles of vodka, because assumptions will be made about you. Heh.)

Finally, the Navarro grape juices are great. I don't find them to be a prop—clearly mileage will vary. But I find them to be a delicious beverage. There's a case in my non-wine wine cooler right now.
posted by RJ Reynolds at 6:48 AM on May 27, 2011


Some such hosts do not want wine at their party and some don't care. The only way to find out is to ask. If you are good friends this is easy. If you do not feel comfortable asking then definitely leave the wine home. If you do bring it, make sure to take any unused wine home. In such a situation this is not a gift to the host, technically or otherwise. This is just you bringing your own hooch.
posted by caddis at 7:04 AM on May 27, 2011


This isn't treating people like they have the plague. It's being considerate of people who are recovering alcoholics. Unless the OP knows them well enough that they're indeed totally okay with someone bringing wine as long as it leaves with them, the OP should choose something else.

Generally one brings something that can be enjoyed by the hosts as well as the guests - particularly for a host gift. Maybe it's just me, but I'd just assume that a dinner hosted by recovering alcoholics was dry unless told otherwise.
posted by canine epigram at 7:07 AM on May 27, 2011 [4 favorites]


A nice bottle of non-alcoholic cider can seamlessly replace wine.
posted by meepmeow at 7:28 AM on May 27, 2011


It's.... I guess I'll say "useful" to get a window into what people think of non-drinkers. (Also, honestly, mildly distressing.)

Recovering alcoholics, not non-drinkers. That is, people who have had a relationship with alcohol so destructive that they had to cut it out of their lives. Some recovering alcoholics regularly have to fight the urge to drink, and create mechanisms to help with that. For some, although not all, that includes periods of not being around alcohol, or being present when alcohol is being drunk. In lieu of more detail about how the hosts are managing their personal recovery, erring on the side of caution may be a good idea.
posted by running order squabble fest at 7:34 AM on May 27, 2011 [8 favorites]


Bring something other than wine. In fact, anytime you're invited to an event, it's okay to bring something other than wine. It's an opportunity to show that you can socialize and have fun without alcohol, too. In fact, in my circle, though most of us drink wine, we always offer a range of beverages, check in with one another about whether we should have wine on offer, and provide a glass of water alongside every glass of wine.
posted by acoutu at 8:12 AM on May 27, 2011


I think you're sort of missing the point of "bringing a bottle of wine to a dinner party." You're thinking it's a contribution to the dinner, a potluck kind of thing, so that as long as someone at the dinner will enjoy it, it's a good contribution. But really, a bottle of wine is just a very common gift for the hosts that also happens to usually be opened right then. In fact, the hosts can do whatever they want with it: open it that night, or put it away for another time.

I wouldn't bring a bottle of wine to a non-drinker's house (not just recovering alcoholics, but any non-drinkers) unless they asked me to, as a way to take a job off their hands. If I were bringing something on my own accord that would only be enjoyed by other guests and myself, and not the hosts, I would also bring a host gift. But actually, I probably wouldn't bring it at all if not specifically asked to, because I'd feel like I'd be sending the message that we guests couldn't count on the hosts to properly host us.
posted by palliser at 8:33 AM on May 27, 2011 [1 favorite]


Speaking as a former drinker, who lives with a still recovering alcoholic, I know we'd both be cool with you bringing wine for your own consumption. But that's us. In more general terms, some ex-drinkers don't want any contact with alcohol, some don't care.

So to solve your particular dilemma, I'd recommend asking your hosts.
posted by Ahab at 8:46 AM on May 27, 2011 [1 favorite]


If you are close enough, ask them. Some alcoholics are fine around alcohol, others are not. If you don't know, then don't bring alcohol. Chocolates or flowers are a nice gift. Personally, I think a plant is just one more thing to take care of, but some people can't get enough of them. (I live in a rural area, I have trees. I'm not anti-the vegetable kingdom.) Whatever you bring should be easy, so if you bring flowers, they need to be in a holder, so a busy host doesn't have to take time to find a vase and arrange flowers.

Another option is to send a gift after the party. I have a couple of friends who reliably send a thank you note after a party; it's an excellent, excellent habit.
posted by theora55 at 10:11 AM on May 27, 2011


Ask them. It shouldn't be a big deal to ask the question. Say you were leaning against it out of respect, but that you wanted to check to be sure.
posted by cnc at 10:23 AM on May 27, 2011


Adding - I say that as someone who doesn't drink.
posted by cnc at 10:23 AM on May 27, 2011


There's not even a reason to ask. Don't ask. Just don't bring alcohol. Even if they say it's OK, I still think it is thoughtless. They aren't people who "don't drink," they are recovering alcoholics.
posted by grouse at 11:15 AM on May 27, 2011 [2 favorites]


I don't think "bad taste" quite covers intentionally picking out the one gift that you know the hosts would least like to receive, whether or not you attempt to justify it with the idea that you and the other guests like it. If you were attending a dinner party hosted by a diabetic, would you plan to bring a sugary desert because you simply feel that the party would not be complete without it, and justify it by several other guests such things? I hope not.

Poor taste is assuming that your host gift will be used at the dinner you attend. This is why one does not bring something to have with dinner unless it's a potluck. Your hosts probably have plans for what they will serve. Even for those who do drink and like wine, they may not feel that your wine complements the food well or already have appropriate wines picked -- but in that case a gift of wine for them to use when they wish would be fine.

If feel that you simply can't get through the dinner party without a drink, you might want to start paying some more attention to your own drinking habits.

Also, I wouldn't count on the other guests joining you in drinking that wine, in nearly all cases I would not drink alcohol another guest had brought in that situation.
posted by yohko at 12:39 PM on May 27, 2011 [1 favorite]


Don't bring a plant (unless it is a cut flower or the like). Plants require maintenance and some people don't want to do it, but feel bad about letting the plants die or throwing them out.

Cut flowers are a very good idea.

I normally don't like people to bring anything edible when they're invited to my house, because then I have to go through the kabuki drama of appreciating what they brought and figuring out if it fits into my carefully-laid plans for dinner. Usually...it doesn't.

However, last year a guest brought me a live bi-colored sage plant from the garden shop. Which I could take outside the next day, plant in the garden, and enjoy right up until frost in the fall--and it only cost them $2 or so. Best dinner gift ever.

I've also been presented with a live orchid. Impressive item to bring, only problem is that now I feel obligated to tend to the dang thing, months later. So yeah, like people are saying, plants may depend on the person, and the plant.
posted by gimonca at 1:09 PM on May 27, 2011 [1 favorite]


I can assure you that the vast majority of non-drinkers are not "fragile" or afraid of "wine substitutes" (it's... juice! It's tasty!) and they are for the most party happy to have people drinking.

You are either a little tone-deaf or else don't recognize that there is a very really difference between people who do not drink out of choice and people who used to drink but had to stop because alcohol took over their lives to the point where they became unmanageable.
posted by misha at 3:32 PM on May 27, 2011 [1 favorite]


Ack! Hit Post too soon.

I agree that wine is not at all acceptable, and I hope you don't feel, as someone else above said, that a dinner party without alcohol would be intolerable, and the company is congenial.

I would bring cut flowers or a coffee cake, because coffee cake is kinda the go-with-anything dessert that can become breakfast the next day, too.
posted by misha at 3:36 PM on May 27, 2011


Biscotti in a cute tin for after-dinner coffee.
posted by invisible ink at 5:19 PM on May 27, 2011


Personally, I would simply ask them. But if in doubt, no booze.
posted by Decani at 5:51 PM on May 27, 2011


For the people who suggest this, what is the point of asking recovering alcoholics if it's OK to bring alcohol into their home? Why shouldn't BadgerDoctor do the simpler thing (and in my opinion, the only correct thing) and bring something else?
posted by grouse at 12:43 PM on May 28, 2011 [2 favorites]


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