How do I tell my sister she rambles on and on and on.......?
May 18, 2011 6:58 PM Subscribe
How do I tell my sister she rambles on and on and on and on constantly, in a kind way and effective way? Help!!
Help! My sister, ever since I have known her (we are in our mid-twenties) has a habit of making a conversation incredibly one-sided and will ramble on and on and on and on and on non-stop for thirty mins or even an hour if I let her!!! These one-sided conversations will be all of her thoughts or beliefs on a subject and it is incredibly hard to jump in to re-direct the conversation. I can seriously put the phone down, and walk away for a few minutes and she will have NO IDEA that I have left for a period of time.
This is problematic for a few reasons:
1) I hate to say it, but I get annoyed. If this were not my sister I probably would not be able to stand to talk to her often.
2) It is difficult to tell her that I need to get off the phone or leave because I have to go do errands or to work, etc.
3) I swear there is no pause in the conversation, she will just keep going and going. I don't even have to say things like "uh huh" or "okay" to keep her going. Seriously.
4) She gets hurt easily so it's hard for me how to reflect back to her that this is annoying or problematic.
5) I really think this impacts her other relationships, in groups you can literally see people roll their eyes when she starts on a topic to ramble on about.
She tends to really respect my opinions so I think she would listen to me, but I want to say it in the kindest, most effective way
Help? Please?
Help! My sister, ever since I have known her (we are in our mid-twenties) has a habit of making a conversation incredibly one-sided and will ramble on and on and on and on and on non-stop for thirty mins or even an hour if I let her!!! These one-sided conversations will be all of her thoughts or beliefs on a subject and it is incredibly hard to jump in to re-direct the conversation. I can seriously put the phone down, and walk away for a few minutes and she will have NO IDEA that I have left for a period of time.
This is problematic for a few reasons:
1) I hate to say it, but I get annoyed. If this were not my sister I probably would not be able to stand to talk to her often.
2) It is difficult to tell her that I need to get off the phone or leave because I have to go do errands or to work, etc.
3) I swear there is no pause in the conversation, she will just keep going and going. I don't even have to say things like "uh huh" or "okay" to keep her going. Seriously.
4) She gets hurt easily so it's hard for me how to reflect back to her that this is annoying or problematic.
5) I really think this impacts her other relationships, in groups you can literally see people roll their eyes when she starts on a topic to ramble on about.
She tends to really respect my opinions so I think she would listen to me, but I want to say it in the kindest, most effective way
Help? Please?
My brother does this exact same thing! He has knocked it off considerably over the past year, probably as the result of several years of hints from loads of people. He does it in social situations mostly, or when he's meeting new people. I suspect it's nervousness or insecurity on his part. I had no idea what to say to him, but one day he flat out asked me if he talked too much about his work (his favorite subject to go on and on about in droning, mind-numbing detail at ANY social gathering, without ever noticing the glazed look of his listeners, and deftly side-stepping all attempts to change the subject). I used the opportunity to tell him that he did, and he took it well, but I wish I had done the favor of talking about it with him sooner.
Maybe your sister has a hard time relating to her friends and co-workers and doesn't have a lot of opportunities to gab? Does she feel she needs to prove herself or compensate in some way by going on about things as if she has a great well of knowledge?
You could say something like: "I love talking to you, but it's hard for me to enjoy our conversations sometimes because they're so one-sided. I feel like I don't get enough opportunities to respond or share my own ideas. Do you notice that?"
Maybe frame it at first as something you need, rather than something she's doing wrong (if you're worried about being too harsh). She might ask you if she does it a lot, and you can take the opportunity to tell her you've noticed it in other situations as well. Make sure you tell her you love her and you don't mean to hurt her feelings.
I feel your pain, and I hope it goes well. Good luck!
posted by swingbraid at 7:32 PM on May 18, 2011 [1 favorite]
Maybe your sister has a hard time relating to her friends and co-workers and doesn't have a lot of opportunities to gab? Does she feel she needs to prove herself or compensate in some way by going on about things as if she has a great well of knowledge?
You could say something like: "I love talking to you, but it's hard for me to enjoy our conversations sometimes because they're so one-sided. I feel like I don't get enough opportunities to respond or share my own ideas. Do you notice that?"
Maybe frame it at first as something you need, rather than something she's doing wrong (if you're worried about being too harsh). She might ask you if she does it a lot, and you can take the opportunity to tell her you've noticed it in other situations as well. Make sure you tell her you love her and you don't mean to hurt her feelings.
I feel your pain, and I hope it goes well. Good luck!
posted by swingbraid at 7:32 PM on May 18, 2011 [1 favorite]
I've found three things to be very useful in this sort of conversation: be direct, be patient, be kind.
My brother used to occasionally into a pattern where he would talk only about himself. When it got to a point where I stopped enjoying our conversations, I decided to bring it up. His habits didn't change after one conversation. Since it was a habit, it took him quite a while to make significant, noticeable changes in his conversational style. When I could tell he was making an effort to ask me questions about my life/plans/whatever I would give him positive feedback at the end of the conversation (e.g. "I really enjoyed our conversation!").
I think that being a good listener comes more naturally to some people. Be kind to your sister, appreciate small efforts that she makes to change her habits, and know that you are helping her to make real changes that may positively impact her relationships.
posted by WaspEnterprises at 7:36 PM on May 18, 2011 [1 favorite]
My brother used to occasionally into a pattern where he would talk only about himself. When it got to a point where I stopped enjoying our conversations, I decided to bring it up. His habits didn't change after one conversation. Since it was a habit, it took him quite a while to make significant, noticeable changes in his conversational style. When I could tell he was making an effort to ask me questions about my life/plans/whatever I would give him positive feedback at the end of the conversation (e.g. "I really enjoyed our conversation!").
I think that being a good listener comes more naturally to some people. Be kind to your sister, appreciate small efforts that she makes to change her habits, and know that you are helping her to make real changes that may positively impact her relationships.
posted by WaspEnterprises at 7:36 PM on May 18, 2011 [1 favorite]
It's your sister. Just interrupt her. If you can't interrupt your sister, who can you interrupt?
posted by Sara C. at 7:54 PM on May 18, 2011 [8 favorites]
posted by Sara C. at 7:54 PM on May 18, 2011 [8 favorites]
In my experience, your first step shouldn't be a "feelings" talk. I think that's overkill.
Have you told her casually that she rambles? When she's going on and on on the phone, I would cut in and and say "Hey sis! You're rambling, and I've got to run. But it was great talking to you!" I've picked up on things I do that annoy people thanks to comments like that.
If you say something like that every once in a while, she'll probably clue in sooner or later. If she doesn't, or if she takes offence at your casual comment, then maybe sit down with her to talk about it.
posted by auto-correct at 8:24 PM on May 18, 2011 [11 favorites]
Have you told her casually that she rambles? When she's going on and on on the phone, I would cut in and and say "Hey sis! You're rambling, and I've got to run. But it was great talking to you!" I've picked up on things I do that annoy people thanks to comments like that.
If you say something like that every once in a while, she'll probably clue in sooner or later. If she doesn't, or if she takes offence at your casual comment, then maybe sit down with her to talk about it.
posted by auto-correct at 8:24 PM on May 18, 2011 [11 favorites]
Response by poster: "It's your sister. Just interrupt her. If you can't interrupt your sister, who can you interrupt?"
No.... really..... I don't think I can convey how tricky of a situation is to you. Seriously! She'll get all butt hurt and abruptly end the conversation. Sigh.
posted by *phoenix* at 9:26 PM on May 18, 2011
No.... really..... I don't think I can convey how tricky of a situation is to you. Seriously! She'll get all butt hurt and abruptly end the conversation. Sigh.
posted by *phoenix* at 9:26 PM on May 18, 2011
Response by poster: ..... and I should add, I suppose I'm asking on how best to address her particular conversation style. ... not just how to assert myself that I need to go now. Asserting myself = no problem-o. Giving feedback to sister in a nice, effective way... more difficult
posted by *phoenix* at 9:28 PM on May 18, 2011
posted by *phoenix* at 9:28 PM on May 18, 2011
Train her, with positive reinforcement. Say "I only have twenty minutes to talk today!" and be firm about cutting her off. Before you say goodbye, thank her for the great conversation and tell her what a wonderful sister she is.
I also suggest transitioning some of your communication to email or text. You're too busy to talk today but you really want to hear from her, so can she please send you an email. Then write a really great response to that email. Encourage that relationship.
posted by acidic at 9:34 PM on May 18, 2011 [2 favorites]
I also suggest transitioning some of your communication to email or text. You're too busy to talk today but you really want to hear from her, so can she please send you an email. Then write a really great response to that email. Encourage that relationship.
posted by acidic at 9:34 PM on May 18, 2011 [2 favorites]
I've had this with my close friend, who's told me - the consummate over-sharing, rambler-when-drunk friend [oh dear, sorry audience] - "poppet, ask me how I am" or "darling, ask me about my week" or "aaaaaaanyway, sweetness, let's hand the talking stick around to other kids now, shall we?" or "Dearie, you are the only person I know who wouldn't need cue cards on your own radio show/ we need to get you your own radio show" - while he puts his hand over my glass.
I don't know if this is the kind of discourse you can introduce with your sister - but with me, who can get all kinds of sensitive, it has worked. I'm really conscious of reminding myself to listen as well as talk, and to go easy on the cocktails.
posted by honey-barbara at 11:29 PM on May 18, 2011 [2 favorites]
I don't know if this is the kind of discourse you can introduce with your sister - but with me, who can get all kinds of sensitive, it has worked. I'm really conscious of reminding myself to listen as well as talk, and to go easy on the cocktails.
posted by honey-barbara at 11:29 PM on May 18, 2011 [2 favorites]
I have a similar situation with my mother (I'm an only child). I find having a phone battery that dies at about 45 minutes to be very effective. "It's started to beep, Mom, gotta go." Alternatively, I call her and am proactive. Other times, I play the "kid card." Family needs me to do this thing.
I see you don't have troubles ending the conversation, but these can be transitioned to something like, "We know we have limited time, so I get my turn now. I have this fabulous thing to tell you."
I like the suggestion for email conversations that acidic made. Not so time critical.
posted by lilywing13 at 1:16 AM on May 19, 2011 [1 favorite]
I see you don't have troubles ending the conversation, but these can be transitioned to something like, "We know we have limited time, so I get my turn now. I have this fabulous thing to tell you."
I like the suggestion for email conversations that acidic made. Not so time critical.
posted by lilywing13 at 1:16 AM on May 19, 2011 [1 favorite]
Is it possible that she has low self esteem and is highly sensitive?
Most of the big talkers I know have self esteem problems (they feel like they're not heard). The problem is, as you mention, people start rolling their eyes/get irritated. Gradually they lose people around them and in a way become more reliant on a small number of listeners, all the while not really considering that the listeners need to be heard too.
If you want to be heard more, you're going to have to jump in more and interrupt her.
If you need to leave/get off the phone for a reason, you're going to have to do that.
The problem arises when we conflate those two things - you can't sit there feeling resentful that she won't shut up and abruptly leave/hang up for that reason. You have to jump in there and say your piece so that it does become a conversation.
Similarly, if you genuinely have to go, you genuinely have to go. You should go without feeling bad. You shouldn't just hang in there because you don't want her hurt her, all the while feeling resentful because you've got stuff to do.
posted by mleigh at 1:52 AM on May 19, 2011 [1 favorite]
Most of the big talkers I know have self esteem problems (they feel like they're not heard). The problem is, as you mention, people start rolling their eyes/get irritated. Gradually they lose people around them and in a way become more reliant on a small number of listeners, all the while not really considering that the listeners need to be heard too.
If you want to be heard more, you're going to have to jump in more and interrupt her.
If you need to leave/get off the phone for a reason, you're going to have to do that.
The problem arises when we conflate those two things - you can't sit there feeling resentful that she won't shut up and abruptly leave/hang up for that reason. You have to jump in there and say your piece so that it does become a conversation.
Similarly, if you genuinely have to go, you genuinely have to go. You should go without feeling bad. You shouldn't just hang in there because you don't want her hurt her, all the while feeling resentful because you've got stuff to do.
posted by mleigh at 1:52 AM on May 19, 2011 [1 favorite]
It seems a little unfair that you can't hurt her feelings one bit, but she spent the last 20 years running you over with her conversational habits.
She needs to grow up and take some constructive criticism. How else is she going take legitimate criticism from, say, a boss or co-worker?
Honestly, I'd be more upset at my sister for *not* telling me for the last 20 years. When it first became a problem, you never spoke up so she thought it was ok behavior. It has continued on for years and years because you didn't want to hurt her feelings. She may have difficulty taking criticism, but I have a hunch that you have difficulty *giving* criticism.
When giving criticism, try to emotionally distance yourself from the other person a little bit so you don't absorb all their hurtness. Quietly keep telling yourself that your criticism is for the best of both of you.
posted by nikkorizz at 4:40 AM on May 19, 2011 [1 favorite]
She needs to grow up and take some constructive criticism. How else is she going take legitimate criticism from, say, a boss or co-worker?
Honestly, I'd be more upset at my sister for *not* telling me for the last 20 years. When it first became a problem, you never spoke up so she thought it was ok behavior. It has continued on for years and years because you didn't want to hurt her feelings. She may have difficulty taking criticism, but I have a hunch that you have difficulty *giving* criticism.
When giving criticism, try to emotionally distance yourself from the other person a little bit so you don't absorb all their hurtness. Quietly keep telling yourself that your criticism is for the best of both of you.
posted by nikkorizz at 4:40 AM on May 19, 2011 [1 favorite]
I would approach the issue in person. Phone calls compound the problem, I imagine, since it's far more difficult to read social cues over the telephone. Yes, you will offend her, but this is impacting her other relationships, and you care about her. I would say, "This is a really awkward thing to bring up, and I'm afraid you're going to be really hurt and offended, but this has been on my mind for a while. I often find it tough to chat with you because our exchanges don't have enough give and take. You seem to get into your own train of thought and forget that I'm there. Could you experiment with a more back and forth- tennis game style of conversation. I think it would make it easier for us to connect." prepare for her to take offense and perhaps criticize you, but be assured that she'll think over what you've said. The good thing about having a clear, direct diacussion like this is that you can refer back to it -- gently and perhaps playfully-- in future discussions: "hey! Woah. Remember what we talked about?" or "hate to say it, but you're rambling." Sure, she may get mad and hang up, but if she wants a relationship with you, she'll at least try to change. Good luck! It's a touchy issue, but she's lucky to have your kindness and honesty.
posted by cymru_j at 5:23 AM on May 19, 2011
posted by cymru_j at 5:23 AM on May 19, 2011
She'll get all butt hurt and abruptly end the conversation.
So? Listen, I would rather that my sister hear it from me, someone who loves her, and not from some stranger who has been rolling their eyes at her for who knows how long. I know you don't want her to sulk off, but maybe if you tell her that she's all ME ME ME WHAT ABOUT ME and she hangs up on you, maybe she'll think about it the whole time she's sulking and when you next talk to her, you can have an actual conversation about it. You know, with both people talking. Unless she has a personality disorder or something, she should be able to get past the criticism.
I too have a sister who is all about her, all the time, and when she becomes especially insufferable, we all yell, "What about me, what about my needs???" and she backs off and lets other people participate in the conversation.
posted by crankylex at 6:07 AM on May 19, 2011 [2 favorites]
So? Listen, I would rather that my sister hear it from me, someone who loves her, and not from some stranger who has been rolling their eyes at her for who knows how long. I know you don't want her to sulk off, but maybe if you tell her that she's all ME ME ME WHAT ABOUT ME and she hangs up on you, maybe she'll think about it the whole time she's sulking and when you next talk to her, you can have an actual conversation about it. You know, with both people talking. Unless she has a personality disorder or something, she should be able to get past the criticism.
I too have a sister who is all about her, all the time, and when she becomes especially insufferable, we all yell, "What about me, what about my needs???" and she backs off and lets other people participate in the conversation.
posted by crankylex at 6:07 AM on May 19, 2011 [2 favorites]
How is she with specific questions? It's easy to go on and on and on when the question was "so how are you doing?" "having a good week?" "How's work been lately?". Maybe you could work on a more give-and-take conversational style by you asking more questions about details. Then, once she's used to actually pausing, and you guys are turning talking into conversation, you can start including your own life and ideas.
i.e. she's about to launch into how her friend at work isn't supportive and doesn't listen to her and you've heard it all before, and you leap in with "you were out to eat with [coworker]? Where did you go?" and a possible "Have you tried their caramel double-sugar-bomb latte? They're amazing, I bet they'd even cheer [coworker] up. I totally love those lattes, I had one last week."
If she chides you about interrupting her with your petty questions about food when she needs to talk about her drama, that's when you can bring up that you're actively trying to make a change to your dynamic. "I've realized that sometimes I don't pay enough attention to you when you're talking - especially when you're on a roll. I was thinking that asking more questions would help keep me involved, have a bit more back-and-forth conversation." And if that's going well, you can broach the idea of her actually listening to you occasionally.
posted by aimedwander at 6:54 AM on May 19, 2011
i.e. she's about to launch into how her friend at work isn't supportive and doesn't listen to her and you've heard it all before, and you leap in with "you were out to eat with [coworker]? Where did you go?" and a possible "Have you tried their caramel double-sugar-bomb latte? They're amazing, I bet they'd even cheer [coworker] up. I totally love those lattes, I had one last week."
If she chides you about interrupting her with your petty questions about food when she needs to talk about her drama, that's when you can bring up that you're actively trying to make a change to your dynamic. "I've realized that sometimes I don't pay enough attention to you when you're talking - especially when you're on a roll. I was thinking that asking more questions would help keep me involved, have a bit more back-and-forth conversation." And if that's going well, you can broach the idea of her actually listening to you occasionally.
posted by aimedwander at 6:54 AM on May 19, 2011
I used to be your sister, and then a boyfriend called me on it. It was uncomfortable, but ultimately good -- even though I was a little butthurt at first, even, and ultimately I'm glad he did it.
Try cushioning it with a lot of praise, and enlisting her in the "heads-up" that you want to get a word in edgewise -- "sis, it's a wonderful thing to see you so excited about the things going on with you; enthusiasm is always wonderful, and I appreciate you wanting to tell me everything. However, sometimes there are details I want to ask you about which you don't talk about; and you're just so delightfully enthusiastic I don't get a chance to ask. Or there are things I'd love to share about myself as well. What's the best way for me to let you know I'd like to say something?"
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 6:57 AM on May 19, 2011
Try cushioning it with a lot of praise, and enlisting her in the "heads-up" that you want to get a word in edgewise -- "sis, it's a wonderful thing to see you so excited about the things going on with you; enthusiasm is always wonderful, and I appreciate you wanting to tell me everything. However, sometimes there are details I want to ask you about which you don't talk about; and you're just so delightfully enthusiastic I don't get a chance to ask. Or there are things I'd love to share about myself as well. What's the best way for me to let you know I'd like to say something?"
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 6:57 AM on May 19, 2011
My sister does this. When she does, and I get tired of it, I interrupt her and say, "oh my god, stop talking!"
That may be a little harsh for you, given the dynamic that you and your sister seem to have. But I'd suggest that, perhaps, making her a little mad isn't the end of the world. She may end the conversation, but it's not like she's going to stop talking to you over this. And, really, if having a fight with one's sister was the end of the world, I never would have survived childhood.
posted by Ragged Richard at 8:16 AM on May 19, 2011 [2 favorites]
That may be a little harsh for you, given the dynamic that you and your sister seem to have. But I'd suggest that, perhaps, making her a little mad isn't the end of the world. She may end the conversation, but it's not like she's going to stop talking to you over this. And, really, if having a fight with one's sister was the end of the world, I never would have survived childhood.
posted by Ragged Richard at 8:16 AM on May 19, 2011 [2 favorites]
Another option: rather than bringing it up with her in a way that makes it about her entire personality/conversation habits, focus on a specific conversation or two. "Sister, I was just remembering that the other day we were talking about _______, and I had a few things I wanted to add to the conversation, but it was hard for me to get a word in. I know you are super passionate about _______ and had so many things to say, which I love about you. How would you feel, though, next time, if I just kind of butt in? Is there a way I could do it that wouldn't make you feel hurt?"
I also like that idea of kind of making it about you, as well, with sort of white lies/exaggerations. Something like, "I have this habit of over-listening" or "I always have trouble figuring out when to jump into a conversation exactly" and offer her a way to help you: "I'm trying to work on it, but would you mind once in a while checking in on me? Maybe saying something like, 'Phoenix, what do you think about all of this?" I could see this being effective in avoiding your sister's feelings getting hurt, while also making her a bit more aware of the other person while she's in conversations with other people in the future.
posted by violetish at 8:56 AM on May 19, 2011 [1 favorite]
I also like that idea of kind of making it about you, as well, with sort of white lies/exaggerations. Something like, "I have this habit of over-listening" or "I always have trouble figuring out when to jump into a conversation exactly" and offer her a way to help you: "I'm trying to work on it, but would you mind once in a while checking in on me? Maybe saying something like, 'Phoenix, what do you think about all of this?" I could see this being effective in avoiding your sister's feelings getting hurt, while also making her a bit more aware of the other person while she's in conversations with other people in the future.
posted by violetish at 8:56 AM on May 19, 2011 [1 favorite]
The bottom line is that your sister is being inconsiderate towards you- how she converses with the rest of the world is not your concern. Her coworkers and friends will approach this in the ways that coworkers and friends do, but you're her sister and that is an entirely different relationship.
If she's going to be so sensitive about your criticism, then she also needs to be sensitive to the fact that you are offended by the way she interacts with you. If she values you as a good listener, then she needs to learn to be a good listener to you.
I think gentle directness may be the way to go. She may not get the message the first time, she may be angry with you. But once you've introduced the subject, then when she starts to ramble you can say, "You're doing it again." Or if she gives you the silent treatment you can say, "I didn't want to cut off contact altogether, I just wanted our conversations to be more equal and balanced."
posted by easy_being_green at 11:00 AM on May 19, 2011
If she's going to be so sensitive about your criticism, then she also needs to be sensitive to the fact that you are offended by the way she interacts with you. If she values you as a good listener, then she needs to learn to be a good listener to you.
I think gentle directness may be the way to go. She may not get the message the first time, she may be angry with you. But once you've introduced the subject, then when she starts to ramble you can say, "You're doing it again." Or if she gives you the silent treatment you can say, "I didn't want to cut off contact altogether, I just wanted our conversations to be more equal and balanced."
posted by easy_being_green at 11:00 AM on May 19, 2011
My sister does this, and it's gotten better in recent years because I tease her about it. I once interrupted her description of a movie she'd seen (complete with ALL the dialogue) by saying, "you know, I probably don't need quite that much detail" and we laughed about it. I also joked with her a couple of times about her habit of calling me, talking non-stop for an hour about herself, then saying, "okay, bye!"
I would say be gentle, but let her get offended if she wants to. She'll get over it. And your feelings matter, too, you know? She's been ignoring them and you've been swallowing your irritation, which is not a good thing.
posted by WorkingMyWayHome at 11:26 AM on May 19, 2011
I would say be gentle, but let her get offended if she wants to. She'll get over it. And your feelings matter, too, you know? She's been ignoring them and you've been swallowing your irritation, which is not a good thing.
posted by WorkingMyWayHome at 11:26 AM on May 19, 2011
Rambling can be a symptom of anxiety or adult ADD.
I have several family members who like to monologue (you see, it's even become a verb in my family) and unfortunately, I've never found a way to address it without potentially hurting the monologuer's feelings. As WorkingMyWayHome says, joking is usually the most successful approach.
posted by gentian at 11:41 AM on May 19, 2011 [1 favorite]
I have several family members who like to monologue (you see, it's even become a verb in my family) and unfortunately, I've never found a way to address it without potentially hurting the monologuer's feelings. As WorkingMyWayHome says, joking is usually the most successful approach.
posted by gentian at 11:41 AM on May 19, 2011 [1 favorite]
The problem with corrective feedback is that you are trying to control her reaction. I don't mean this in a bad way - only super good sisters even bother to seriously putting thought into how to approach her in a way that helps her 1. not feel hurt and 2. change her behavior. But I think sometimes all you get is the personal knowledge that your intentions are good, even if she insists on taking it badly.
There are all sorts of good strategies to soften a blow - using "I" statements to explain how you feel when she doesn't ask you about your day, limiting the conversation (I only have ten minutes to talk today...which still puts you through a ten minute wall of sound), starting off with a shot across the bow (I have something to tell you, but I'm worried it will hurt your feelings, and our relationship is important), etc.
But the definition of a difficult conversation is when you believe you need to tell someone something they are pretty sure they don't want to hear. With extra points if you are somehow beholden to this person - you need/want them in your life, and don't want them to be pissed at you.
So you can either decide if you really, really need to tell her this (because your want to honor your own needs), and make the language as gentle as possible (I've always appreciated people starting off with the fact that they have something difficult to tell me, and have hesitated because they were worried it would hurt my feelings....).
But, consider also that other people have tried to tell her this, and she has decided that to hear you would require her to change her behavior, which she might not want to do. Often, when people don't pick up cues - and I assume you've been dropping hints, we assume that the fault is that we haven't explain our situation clearly enough. But there was - was it Homer Simpson? - who said something like, "Marrrge, just because I don't care, doesn't mean I don't understand." Perhaps your sister's not interested in changing her behavior (maybe she just really wants people to listen to her. Maybe she just really doesn't want to listen to you.). Her 'being hurt' is a way to stop her from having to change, or listen to difficult information - it's a distraction from her considering her behavior, and perhaps another way to keep the focus on her. Who knows? The fact that you've written this suggests you're going to try very hard for her feelings not be hurt. But they might be anyway, and that's not your fault. It's not great that she's hurt, but it's even worse that she might allow that hurt to ignore the fact that you've just shared with her your discomfort around her behavior.
Your other choices are to just deal with your frustration, or talk to her a lot less (which might give her a clue about the consequences of her actions, and if she values talking to you, she will change her behavior). Since you can't control her reaction - frontload language about how this is difficult for you to say, and you wouldn't, except it's important, and see if she can hear it. If she shuts down, let her do that, and be ready to talk to her again, in the way you want to communicate with her, if/when she approaches you again. Repeat as necessary. If this is just going to make you feel more and more frustrated and resentful every time you get on the phone to be subjected to her wall of sound - which is pretty much a normal human reaction - then you have to state your boundaries, and keep them.
But rule number 1 about taking care of yourself is not letting anyone - even people you love - treat you poorly, just because it 'hurts' them to treat you well.
posted by anitanita at 11:58 AM on May 19, 2011 [2 favorites]
There are all sorts of good strategies to soften a blow - using "I" statements to explain how you feel when she doesn't ask you about your day, limiting the conversation (I only have ten minutes to talk today...which still puts you through a ten minute wall of sound), starting off with a shot across the bow (I have something to tell you, but I'm worried it will hurt your feelings, and our relationship is important), etc.
But the definition of a difficult conversation is when you believe you need to tell someone something they are pretty sure they don't want to hear. With extra points if you are somehow beholden to this person - you need/want them in your life, and don't want them to be pissed at you.
So you can either decide if you really, really need to tell her this (because your want to honor your own needs), and make the language as gentle as possible (I've always appreciated people starting off with the fact that they have something difficult to tell me, and have hesitated because they were worried it would hurt my feelings....).
But, consider also that other people have tried to tell her this, and she has decided that to hear you would require her to change her behavior, which she might not want to do. Often, when people don't pick up cues - and I assume you've been dropping hints, we assume that the fault is that we haven't explain our situation clearly enough. But there was - was it Homer Simpson? - who said something like, "Marrrge, just because I don't care, doesn't mean I don't understand." Perhaps your sister's not interested in changing her behavior (maybe she just really wants people to listen to her. Maybe she just really doesn't want to listen to you.). Her 'being hurt' is a way to stop her from having to change, or listen to difficult information - it's a distraction from her considering her behavior, and perhaps another way to keep the focus on her. Who knows? The fact that you've written this suggests you're going to try very hard for her feelings not be hurt. But they might be anyway, and that's not your fault. It's not great that she's hurt, but it's even worse that she might allow that hurt to ignore the fact that you've just shared with her your discomfort around her behavior.
Your other choices are to just deal with your frustration, or talk to her a lot less (which might give her a clue about the consequences of her actions, and if she values talking to you, she will change her behavior). Since you can't control her reaction - frontload language about how this is difficult for you to say, and you wouldn't, except it's important, and see if she can hear it. If she shuts down, let her do that, and be ready to talk to her again, in the way you want to communicate with her, if/when she approaches you again. Repeat as necessary. If this is just going to make you feel more and more frustrated and resentful every time you get on the phone to be subjected to her wall of sound - which is pretty much a normal human reaction - then you have to state your boundaries, and keep them.
But rule number 1 about taking care of yourself is not letting anyone - even people you love - treat you poorly, just because it 'hurts' them to treat you well.
posted by anitanita at 11:58 AM on May 19, 2011 [2 favorites]
I have a cousin like this who was making a fool of herself at a family funeral last year. She was saying things to the deceased's wife like "oh my mom knows JUST how you feel" (not at all, her mom knew her husband was dying, this uncle died completely unexpectedly) and "oh well it must have been so hard to see him like that" ... in between thoughts she would insert an "oh, my my my my my" so you couldn't speak... and just other stuff, and I could tell my aunt didn't like it. (Later on she brought up the situation and mentioned she didn't appreciate some of the things cousin was saying.) So I just cut cousin off completely any way I could. "So Aunt Mourning, you've met my friend Jane before, haven't you?" Cousin kinda mumbled a bit more and walked off. I think it was the nicest way I could stop the flow of chatter, rather than saying "Cousin, shut up."
I think that you should just be straightforward with her, even if she gets hurt. She'll get over it. (If she doesn't get over it, she needs to grow up.)
posted by IndigoRain at 8:27 PM on May 19, 2011
I think that you should just be straightforward with her, even if she gets hurt. She'll get over it. (If she doesn't get over it, she needs to grow up.)
posted by IndigoRain at 8:27 PM on May 19, 2011
Record an interaction between the two of you. Then, a few days later, give her the tape (dating myself - cd, mp3, whatever), and say "This is a recording of the 45-minute conversation we had on Tuesday. Tonight, when you go home, I'd really like you to listen to this recording of our conversation."
If she doesn't figure it out after that, you're going to have to be flat-out blunt. I know you don't like the idea of hurting her feelings, but considering what you've told us of her personality, you will either have to hurt her feelings, or live with this until one of you dies.
posted by tzikeh at 3:52 AM on May 20, 2011
If she doesn't figure it out after that, you're going to have to be flat-out blunt. I know you don't like the idea of hurting her feelings, but considering what you've told us of her personality, you will either have to hurt her feelings, or live with this until one of you dies.
posted by tzikeh at 3:52 AM on May 20, 2011
Response by poster: "When it first became a problem, you never spoke up so she thought it was ok behavior. It has continued on for years and years because you didn't want to hurt her feelings. She may have difficulty taking criticism, but I have a hunch that you have difficulty *giving* criticism."
I see your point here. I should've pointed out I'm the older one by several years and that we haven't lived in the same state since she was in early high school.... we are now in our 20s. Compounded with the fact we didn't always talk on the phone much when we first moved apart..... so it kinda didn't become apparent until we got to know each other more and started actively calling each other more often, and I went to visit her more often as well. =)
posted by *phoenix* at 11:00 PM on May 20, 2011
I see your point here. I should've pointed out I'm the older one by several years and that we haven't lived in the same state since she was in early high school.... we are now in our 20s. Compounded with the fact we didn't always talk on the phone much when we first moved apart..... so it kinda didn't become apparent until we got to know each other more and started actively calling each other more often, and I went to visit her more often as well. =)
posted by *phoenix* at 11:00 PM on May 20, 2011
Response by poster: Whew! Thanks guys! Lots of great ideas here! I'm going to have to let these ideas percolate a bit and decide how to bring this up =).
posted by *phoenix* at 11:07 PM on May 20, 2011
posted by *phoenix* at 11:07 PM on May 20, 2011
This thread is closed to new comments.
As examples, I might say things like "I enjoy knowing what's going on in your life, and I've just realized we have different conversational styles," "I have trouble knowing when to interject a point as we talk," "It's possible my threshold for recognizing a conversational pause requires a span of time longer than other people may need, and I'd be grateful if we could work that out," or "I sometimes find myself needing to go but not able to say so for fear of making you think I've lost interest in our conversation, but sometimes I may need to just interrupt you."
Those statements come really close to being self-deprecating white lies, but I think they have parses that evaluate to true, which in my mind makes them diplomatic rather than passive-aggressive.
posted by Monsieur Caution at 7:31 PM on May 18, 2011 [1 favorite]