How do I get better at sending emails?

May 12, 2011 5:22 PM

My social anxiety is backwards. I love talking to people in person and speaking in front of crowds, I'm pretty good with phones, but emails, online forums, and paper correspondence are things I approach with extreme reluctance. Does anyone else have this problem? How can I cope?

It's becoming more and more of an obstacle, especially since, as a graduate student, most of my professional correspondence is by email. I'd also like to participate more in online science-related communities both for professional purposes and for outreach. And I'm way behind on thank-you notes. I have problems with emails to colleagues, comments on blogs (including Metafilter), and even correspondence with friends and family. I can usually overcome it, but it's a hassle, and polishing and re-polishing and re-considering each thing I write takes up a lot of time.

I think written correspondence bothers me because:
a) It's possible to edit what I write before it's sent/posted, so I feel like any errors will reflect much more harshly on me than if I made them in everyday speech.
b) I won't be there when the recipient/viewer reads what I write, so I can't explain things that may have come across wrong or change my conversational tactics based on their reactions, as I could if we were speaking in person.
c) Written correspondence is forever. If I get something wrong or hurt someone's feelings, it will be on-record for the foreseeable future. It's even worse if I write a bad comment in an online forum, in which case it's not only permanent but also Googleable.

How do I get over this irrational anxiety so that I can join online conversations, keep up my correspondence with friends, and get through my inbox in a reasonable amount of time?

posted by fermion to Computers & Internet (14 answers total)

Best answer: Want to trade places?

While the written word is more permanent, most people don't read correspondence any more thoroughly than conversation. It's possible that people may even be more likely to skim text as opposed to speech. When you're talking, they have no choice but to wait as you speak every word. With e-mail, you'll have a hard time getting most people to read every paragraph thoroughly, let alone every sentence.

Additionally, a written word isn't the last word. In letters, you can tell your correspondent to respond if they need clarification; you can send or write follow-up e-mails if it seems that your message was unclear; you can write as much as you need to ensure someone will thoroughly understand your meaning and intent.

I listened to a podcast recently (MacBreak?) where one of the hosts said that he felt much more comfortable dictating everything using a speech-to-text program, because it allowed him to write with the same style as he spoke.
posted by mcav at 5:44 PM on May 12, 2011 [1 favorite]

View it as writing exercise. You're going to have a thesis to write, yes? And other papers, perhaps for publication? Do you have the same kind of anxiety with that kind of writing?
posted by rtha at 6:08 PM on May 12, 2011

I think that is a feature, not a bug :) Write everything out in Word first, then cut and paste, if that helps. Otherwise, the more you write, the more comfortable it will become. Maybe start a blog, commit to writing in it every day, but keep it locked up behind a password until you are comfortable making public.
posted by COD at 6:23 PM on May 12, 2011

Best answer: Yeah, I'm pretty much the same way. Very extroverted in person. I even do okay on online forums. But I hate, hate, HATE writing personal email. Even work email is alright, because I can fall back on a formal tone. But personal email is ... really fucking difficult. Everything I write comes out sounding so ... forced. The only thing I can compare it to is what it's like to hear a recording of your own voice; it's positively wince-inducing. I think it's because I'm naturally an outgoing, enthusiastic person, but in print form it all sounds so ... fake. It's to the point where I dread writing any kind of personal correspondence, and put it off as long as I can. Needless to say, online dating isn't a possibility -- in fact, that may even have been what gave me this complex.

Wish I had some advice to offer you, but I'm mostly just here to commiserate. I guess one thing that's helpful is to make multiple drafts of an email before sending it. But then of course there's the tendency to become obsessive about it, and before you know it, you've spent an hour composing a 6-line email. It's just ... so ... UGH!
posted by Afroblanco at 6:36 PM on May 12, 2011

I once improvised a speech because I couldn't write one.
posted by Obscure Reference at 6:38 PM on May 12, 2011 [2 favorites]

There is nothing wrong with ensuring that what you write is as clear and articulate as possible, so perhaps reframe this as you caring about what you write rather you being anxious about what you write.

Also realise that many, many, many misunderstandings occur when people talk to one another - just as many as with the printed word. Sometimes people won't understand what you've written, but sometimes people won't understand what you've said either.

If you get something wrong or you offend someone in print, the same rules apply as when you're speaking to someone - acknowledge your mistake and/or apologize. That's all you need to do.

As with anything, the more you do it, the better you'll get at it. You'll understand what types of things get misinterpreted by others (and how to try to avoid that) and you'll understand better the conventions of the different writing spaces you're operating in as well as your different audiences (how they communicate/what they require/etc).
posted by mleigh at 6:41 PM on May 12, 2011

Best answer: Oh, here's a little "hack" -- gmail has a "delayed send" feature, where, after you click "send", it waits 5 seconds before actually sending the email, during which time you can actually cancel it. I can't really explain why, but I find it kinda helpful.
posted by Afroblanco at 6:41 PM on May 12, 2011 [2 favorites]

I like to send important emails to myself before sending them out into the Interneb. A moment later, I receive them, all like "Oh, what's this, an email for ME? What could this be about?" and then I read it with the freshest eyes I can muster, make changes, and then copy it into a new msg and send it for real. Sometimes I'll send to myself 5 or 6 times, if I'm testing out a really important or potentially-contentious emails.
posted by pseudostrabismus at 7:31 PM on May 12, 2011

Response by poster: rtha, I don't have much trouble with that kind of formal writing, perhaps because I'm more comfortable with the style of it than I am with informal blog comments and casual emails.

To those who suggest writing multiple drafts--I already do, and it's eating up all my time. I agree that clarity is important, and it's fine for important emails, but I do it for casual correspondence, too. And taking twenty minutes to compose short blog comments or Facebook posts, and another five or ten to nerve myself up to post them, basically prevents me from engaging in any ongoing online conversation.
posted by fermion at 9:14 PM on May 12, 2011

Best answer: I feel this too, most strongly with AIM/Gchat, but I've developed a daily routine to help "prime" me to write. Every morning, before I write anything, I go to my favorite blog and "like" a bunch of comments. After I do this, I feel much more comfortable submitting comments myself. I don't know why this works-- "liking" comments does not come naturally to me and I rarely did it before-- but complimenting other people's writing puts me in a good writing mood.
posted by acidic at 11:03 PM on May 12, 2011

It might help if you look at your fears straight in the face. How bad would it really be if any of your fears happened? What if you do have errors in your email? What if somebody misunderstands what you meant? What if you hurt someone's feelings?

In any of those cases, it won't be that bad. For casual emails, nobody cares about errors, and you'll have the chance see these people in person later or send follow-up emails so you can clarify anything that might have been taken badly. For the online boards, you can always post follow-ups. The only emails to really worry about are the scary "emailing someone important out of the blue" type emails that everyone spends lots of angst over -- but it doesn't sound like that's the bulk of the issue for you.

So just realise that yeah, you won't be perfect. But nobody is looking for or expecting perfection, and it's dead easy to fix any mistakes you do make.
posted by forza at 4:38 AM on May 13, 2011 [1 favorite]

fermion, I totally feel your pain. I have a degree in public speaking and yet hate writing emails and making phone calls and really don't relish most one-on-one situations. It's totally normal. Almost everyone has some degree of communication apprehension; it just happens that most people experience it in the realm of talking to larger groups of people. But there are a few of us that experience it in other situations.

I don't have a ton of tips, seeing as I try to just work around it ("Honey, will you call and make that doctor's appointment for me?") but here's what helps me the most: remember that the person on the other end is not going to be analyzing your communication to the extent that you are.
posted by wallaby at 8:34 AM on May 13, 2011

Best answer: In the last couple of years I've realized that many people I know socially don't email much for one reason or another. People who don't own a computer, or don't like their computer (generally older people), people with learning diabilities who don't like writing words much, a friend with severe enough dyslexia that I've never seen a full-sentance facebook update, not to mention all the people who manage all their email by iPhone.

My point being, there are lots of acceptable emails to receive. I don't feel insulted if I get am email that says
"Hey, great seeing you last night. I've got the book you wanted, give it to you Thurs.
later, X"
so why should I feel bad about not writing a perfect email to them? I have a hard time writing direct unpolished notes, because I am at heart a perfectionist. I know I could write an email (a FB update, a comment, a reply) better than I just wrote it (no matter how long I spend on it). I'm working on the concept that I don't NEED to. There are times when paying attention and wrting well is worthwhile, and there are times when it's not even going to be appreciated. Push that boundary. Assume that your reader won't care, until it's proven otherwise.

If you're happier on the phone than over email, don't turn a 5-minute phone call into a 20-minute email-writing-rewriting anxiety extravaganza. Pick up the phone.
posted by aimedwander at 10:48 AM on May 13, 2011

It sounds like you may be over thinking it. I once worked with group of English PhDs and doctoral candidates and looking back I over analyzed my writing for fear of stupid grammar mistakes. You seem reasonably coherent and it may help to keep in mind that most people are putting much less effort into reading what you write than you put into it.
posted by dgran at 10:49 AM on May 13, 2011