How to bond with a non-verbal person
May 11, 2011 5:19 AM Subscribe
How do I become more comfortable with the new guy I'm dating?
I've been seeing this guy for about six weeks. He's affectionate, romantic, and kind. The sex is good. We have a lot in common. But he's really hard to get to know and not at all verbally forthcoming. When we're together, I feel relaxed and happy because he's so physically affectionate. But when we're apart, texting or talking, I'm anxious because it is on a surface level.
I'm having trouble gauging how he feels about me, and I keep expecting him to blow me off and disappear. I've become hypervigilant about the whole thing and wonder what this or that action, or lack thereof on his part, "really means." But he continues to act like he's into me even though he doesn't talk about it.
He makes small talk to the point where I am just about ready to jump out of my skin. He'll say he likes this or that, but not how whatever it is makes him feel. He's laid-back, pleasant and easy-going, and there is no drama. All these things are great, but I'm not feeling as much of an emotional connection as I need in order to let down my guard with him and it makes me anxious.
I'm not saying we need to have a big Relationship Talk at this point, but I'd really like to know him better, on a deeper level, and feel closer to him. I have a hard time with small talk myself. I sense that there's a lot going on inside his head, but he doesn't share it. I've been following his lead because I don't want to scare him away.
I don't know what to think, but I've wondered if he doesn't trust me. I've also questioned myself. My past relationships have had more drama and been too whirlwind romance-like, with troubled partners who liked to talk about their problems. So maybe he is normal, and I'm the one with twisted expectations.
He doesn't seem to have confidantes among his friends, either, so it's probably a personality trait. I don't want to make him uncomfortable. Maybe there are ways I can be more comfortable with the way things are. Maybe it will just take time for him to open up.
We are both mid-30s. I've had two serious LTRs and I don't know much about his relationship history, but from what I can tell so far, he's not as experienced as I am. I just want to feel more comfortable regardless of how that happens.
I've been seeing this guy for about six weeks. He's affectionate, romantic, and kind. The sex is good. We have a lot in common. But he's really hard to get to know and not at all verbally forthcoming. When we're together, I feel relaxed and happy because he's so physically affectionate. But when we're apart, texting or talking, I'm anxious because it is on a surface level.
I'm having trouble gauging how he feels about me, and I keep expecting him to blow me off and disappear. I've become hypervigilant about the whole thing and wonder what this or that action, or lack thereof on his part, "really means." But he continues to act like he's into me even though he doesn't talk about it.
He makes small talk to the point where I am just about ready to jump out of my skin. He'll say he likes this or that, but not how whatever it is makes him feel. He's laid-back, pleasant and easy-going, and there is no drama. All these things are great, but I'm not feeling as much of an emotional connection as I need in order to let down my guard with him and it makes me anxious.
I'm not saying we need to have a big Relationship Talk at this point, but I'd really like to know him better, on a deeper level, and feel closer to him. I have a hard time with small talk myself. I sense that there's a lot going on inside his head, but he doesn't share it. I've been following his lead because I don't want to scare him away.
I don't know what to think, but I've wondered if he doesn't trust me. I've also questioned myself. My past relationships have had more drama and been too whirlwind romance-like, with troubled partners who liked to talk about their problems. So maybe he is normal, and I'm the one with twisted expectations.
He doesn't seem to have confidantes among his friends, either, so it's probably a personality trait. I don't want to make him uncomfortable. Maybe there are ways I can be more comfortable with the way things are. Maybe it will just take time for him to open up.
We are both mid-30s. I've had two serious LTRs and I don't know much about his relationship history, but from what I can tell so far, he's not as experienced as I am. I just want to feel more comfortable regardless of how that happens.
Have you asked him how he feels about things? Have you shared your own feelings with him?
posted by John Cohen at 5:35 AM on May 11, 2011
posted by John Cohen at 5:35 AM on May 11, 2011
Best answer: Relax. Guys don't talk about their emotional reaction to things because most of the time they don't really have one. You ask yourself what this really means - well, it doesn't mean anything except that he's a normal type of guy. That's just the way he is, he's not doing anything to you or because of you or hiding anything from you. The lack of text here has no subtext. You say yourself that he's "affectionate, romantic, and kind. The sex is good. We have a lot in common" so just enjoy the relationship and see where it goes. It's not that he doesn't trust you, it is that you're over-thinking a perfectly normal fellow and inventing a problem where one doesn't exist. You have a relationship "without drama", so ask yourself why you're creating one. Would you rather have a "troubled partner" who loved to endlessly talk about their "problems" or someone who is "laid-back, pleasant and easy-going"? You've got one of the good ones, don't blow it.
posted by joannemullen at 5:38 AM on May 11, 2011 [4 favorites]
posted by joannemullen at 5:38 AM on May 11, 2011 [4 favorites]
Best answer: You could easily be describing me. Every point you mention - physically affectionate but kind of flippant, no real deep discussions and no real confidante in my friends. The whole thing, really. It's all (mostly) in there, still, it's just a lot harder to get at and show or describe to others. Perhaps he's the same.
but not how whatever it is makes him feel.
You know, I'm not sure I'd even know where to start with that kind of thing. Maybe your guy is the same. I think you have unrealistic expectations of the emotional availability (especially 6 weeks in) of a lot of men. For some of us, it's either locked away or impossible to verbalise to varying degrees.
I've been following his lead because I don't want to scare him away.
Don't do this. No relationship is healthier for one or the other not being themselves. If you being you scares him away, you have scored a result, not failed.
I don't want to make him uncomfortable. Maybe there are ways I can be more comfortable with the way things are. Maybe it will just take time for him to open up.
Unfortunately the only answer is too relax and wait and see. He may be an emotional dullard (like me, as it happens) but I'm happily married to someone that completely doubted me on similar levels to you for the first year (easily) of our relationship due to my emotional incompetence in showing or expressing how I felt.
You just need to be you, let him see if he likes YOU (Not 'guarded you') and try a bit more to stop thinking that 6 weeks is long enough to have any idea how a relationship will go. NO-ONE knows if a relationship will work after 6 weeks, you can only know if it won't. Hang in there.
posted by Brockles at 5:46 AM on May 11, 2011 [8 favorites]
but not how whatever it is makes him feel.
You know, I'm not sure I'd even know where to start with that kind of thing. Maybe your guy is the same. I think you have unrealistic expectations of the emotional availability (especially 6 weeks in) of a lot of men. For some of us, it's either locked away or impossible to verbalise to varying degrees.
I've been following his lead because I don't want to scare him away.
Don't do this. No relationship is healthier for one or the other not being themselves. If you being you scares him away, you have scored a result, not failed.
I don't want to make him uncomfortable. Maybe there are ways I can be more comfortable with the way things are. Maybe it will just take time for him to open up.
Unfortunately the only answer is too relax and wait and see. He may be an emotional dullard (like me, as it happens) but I'm happily married to someone that completely doubted me on similar levels to you for the first year (easily) of our relationship due to my emotional incompetence in showing or expressing how I felt.
You just need to be you, let him see if he likes YOU (Not 'guarded you') and try a bit more to stop thinking that 6 weeks is long enough to have any idea how a relationship will go. NO-ONE knows if a relationship will work after 6 weeks, you can only know if it won't. Hang in there.
posted by Brockles at 5:46 AM on May 11, 2011 [8 favorites]
I'll pile right on and say that's how guys are. I've been married 8 yaers and my wife says the same thing about me. Turn on the comedy channels on XM/Sirius and you'll here every comedian there saying the same thing, only it's funnier.
posted by Blake at 6:00 AM on May 11, 2011
posted by Blake at 6:00 AM on May 11, 2011
Are you dating my husband?! I was thinking all the same thoughts as you, about 22 years ago. We just celebrated our 20th wedding anniversary. It is just how he is, and once I stopped over thinking it, every thing worked out perfectly. My previous relationship was much more drama, and deep, and soul mate-like. But that isn't my husband, and I would not trade the way he is. I learned to appreciate his other qualities and enjoy the different type of relationship. It seems to be working!
posted by maxg94 at 6:17 AM on May 11, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by maxg94 at 6:17 AM on May 11, 2011 [2 favorites]
Heck, I'm like this and I'm definitely not a man. I just don't like to share too much too soon.
posted by Green Eyed Monster at 6:24 AM on May 11, 2011 [3 favorites]
posted by Green Eyed Monster at 6:24 AM on May 11, 2011 [3 favorites]
Best answer: Nthing joannemullen and Brockles: Guys don't talk about their emotional reaction to things because most of the time they don't really have one.
and
but not how whatever it is makes him feel.
You know, I'm not sure I'd even know where to start with that kind of thing.
This guy could be me. Sometimes I feel strongly and say so, sometimes I don't feel strongly. I probably go a week or two between "opening up" to my girlfriend of 14 months, and next month I'm moving across the country to be with her - so it's not that I don't feel close to her, I just don't have a lot of strong emotions that need to be expressed to someone else. Some people just don't have an intense need to frequently share their inner life. Hell, I got accepted to a grad program, and she called me ready to very excitedly congratulate me. My 100% honest response was "Meh, now the real work starts. Congratulate me when I graduate." What she did next was awesome: She congratulated me one last time, and then gave me the space to be not-emotional & not-excited. She recognized that my being not-emotional is as valid as her feeling strongly and she didn't make me feel weird about my reaction. I love her for that.
He'll say he likes this or that, but not how whatever it is makes him feel.
Oh God. If I had to say how things made me feel more than twice a month, that would be a really tough expectation to meet. Some people do this naturally, but not me - I just don't feel strongly about that most things. So maybe your new guy is like me and just doesn't communicate this way.
So what should you do? Just relax right now. You are very, very early in this relationship. If he's physically affectionate (especially affectionate when he's not looking for sex) then that's a really good sign, and frankly I'd say it's all the sign you can ask for six weeks in. Honestly, I don't feel good about opening up until about the 5-6 month mark. By then you have a sense for whether the other party is sane and the kind of person you want to be around, and that's when you can forge a real connection by opening up. So relax and get to know each other as pleasant people to be around, and you two can start opening up as you spend time together and start to trust one another.
It sounds a little like you want trust to be assumed in this relationship so you can open up. But for non-dramatic guys, trust has to be built up slowly through simple interactions over time, and then he can start opening up. When he does open up, be prepared for it to be less than you wanted, or for him to feel less strongly about day-to-day things than you expected. It's just how some of us work.
posted by Tehhund at 6:42 AM on May 11, 2011 [1 favorite]
and
but not how whatever it is makes him feel.
You know, I'm not sure I'd even know where to start with that kind of thing.
This guy could be me. Sometimes I feel strongly and say so, sometimes I don't feel strongly. I probably go a week or two between "opening up" to my girlfriend of 14 months, and next month I'm moving across the country to be with her - so it's not that I don't feel close to her, I just don't have a lot of strong emotions that need to be expressed to someone else. Some people just don't have an intense need to frequently share their inner life. Hell, I got accepted to a grad program, and she called me ready to very excitedly congratulate me. My 100% honest response was "Meh, now the real work starts. Congratulate me when I graduate." What she did next was awesome: She congratulated me one last time, and then gave me the space to be not-emotional & not-excited. She recognized that my being not-emotional is as valid as her feeling strongly and she didn't make me feel weird about my reaction. I love her for that.
He'll say he likes this or that, but not how whatever it is makes him feel.
Oh God. If I had to say how things made me feel more than twice a month, that would be a really tough expectation to meet. Some people do this naturally, but not me - I just don't feel strongly about that most things. So maybe your new guy is like me and just doesn't communicate this way.
So what should you do? Just relax right now. You are very, very early in this relationship. If he's physically affectionate (especially affectionate when he's not looking for sex) then that's a really good sign, and frankly I'd say it's all the sign you can ask for six weeks in. Honestly, I don't feel good about opening up until about the 5-6 month mark. By then you have a sense for whether the other party is sane and the kind of person you want to be around, and that's when you can forge a real connection by opening up. So relax and get to know each other as pleasant people to be around, and you two can start opening up as you spend time together and start to trust one another.
It sounds a little like you want trust to be assumed in this relationship so you can open up. But for non-dramatic guys, trust has to be built up slowly through simple interactions over time, and then he can start opening up. When he does open up, be prepared for it to be less than you wanted, or for him to feel less strongly about day-to-day things than you expected. It's just how some of us work.
posted by Tehhund at 6:42 AM on May 11, 2011 [1 favorite]
He'll say he likes this or that, but not how whatever it is makes him feel.
I will say "I love this song" and my girlfriend will say "why?" and I have no idea.
posted by smackfu at 6:49 AM on May 11, 2011 [5 favorites]
I will say "I love this song" and my girlfriend will say "why?" and I have no idea.
posted by smackfu at 6:49 AM on May 11, 2011 [5 favorites]
I have to jump in here and say that not all guys are like this; I certainly am not. When my wife and I started dating, we both shared everything and every emotion all the time, right from the very first minute of our first date. We still do this--every emotion, all the time, and it drives everyone who knows us totally nuts. And we certainly aren't all drama-filled because of it, either.
My close friends are like this, too; we share everything with each other, and we aren't drama-filled or gossip, either (male and female friends). I actually have recently stopped making an effort to continue a relationship with a long-time friend because he is a lot like your guy and I couldn't take it anymore after 19 years of it--even as just same sex friends.
So, you can relax and take him for what he is, or realize that maybe he doesn't have the personality type which you desire. If you are uncomfortable, anxious, and can't relax around him, is that something you really want, even in the short-term? It may get better and he may be the type to eventually open up over quite some time, but I wouldn't except him to. You are both in your mid-30's, so I am afraid to say that that is just how is personality is. Do you want to accept him for who he is, or not? (Not saying this would be a decision you have to make by this weekend; you can take your time, weeks, months, year...)
posted by TinWhistle at 6:54 AM on May 11, 2011 [5 favorites]
My close friends are like this, too; we share everything with each other, and we aren't drama-filled or gossip, either (male and female friends). I actually have recently stopped making an effort to continue a relationship with a long-time friend because he is a lot like your guy and I couldn't take it anymore after 19 years of it--even as just same sex friends.
So, you can relax and take him for what he is, or realize that maybe he doesn't have the personality type which you desire. If you are uncomfortable, anxious, and can't relax around him, is that something you really want, even in the short-term? It may get better and he may be the type to eventually open up over quite some time, but I wouldn't except him to. You are both in your mid-30's, so I am afraid to say that that is just how is personality is. Do you want to accept him for who he is, or not? (Not saying this would be a decision you have to make by this weekend; you can take your time, weeks, months, year...)
posted by TinWhistle at 6:54 AM on May 11, 2011 [5 favorites]
Best answer: This is my husband. His emotional radar basically has two modes: fine and not fine. It is exceedingly rare for things to move beyond either of those two points, or for anything to elicit anything other than an entirely rational reaction. If I had spent seven years expecting my partner to open up about things, I'd be sadly disappointed: I can count the number of things he has "opened up" about on one hand with some missing digits, and I'm pretty sure I have the complete list at this point.
Prior to this my method of building intimacy, both in friendships and romantic relationships, was to share something and expect the other person to reciprocate. That did not really happen with us. On the upside, you can tell my partner anything and he will be completely unperturbed, so there is that.
Intimacy in our relationship was built through daily interaction, routine, shared plans, shared milestones like death and marriage and mortgages, and that sort of thing. My husband is always willing to listen to how I feel, and if he can do anything to change that, he will, but this relationship would not work at all were I not two things: a) largely emotionally stable and self-sufficient, and b) capable of getting my occasional deep analysis, bean plate permutation needs met by my girlfriends.
I don't know you. I don't know your guy. If your guy is like my guy, the best way to find out how he's feeling about you is to straight-up ask. You can 100% make a thing work with someone who isn't maybe emotionally intuitive, but that person also has to be able to give you what you need when you clearly and explicitly ask for it or it will not work at all.
posted by DarlingBri at 7:03 AM on May 11, 2011 [4 favorites]
Prior to this my method of building intimacy, both in friendships and romantic relationships, was to share something and expect the other person to reciprocate. That did not really happen with us. On the upside, you can tell my partner anything and he will be completely unperturbed, so there is that.
Intimacy in our relationship was built through daily interaction, routine, shared plans, shared milestones like death and marriage and mortgages, and that sort of thing. My husband is always willing to listen to how I feel, and if he can do anything to change that, he will, but this relationship would not work at all were I not two things: a) largely emotionally stable and self-sufficient, and b) capable of getting my occasional deep analysis, bean plate permutation needs met by my girlfriends.
I don't know you. I don't know your guy. If your guy is like my guy, the best way to find out how he's feeling about you is to straight-up ask. You can 100% make a thing work with someone who isn't maybe emotionally intuitive, but that person also has to be able to give you what you need when you clearly and explicitly ask for it or it will not work at all.
posted by DarlingBri at 7:03 AM on May 11, 2011 [4 favorites]
Best answer: I'm dating a guy like this, down to not sharing a lot with most of his friends and family. I worried a lot about it for the first month or two- I'd ask him an emotional question, and he would just kind of not have an answer. This bugged me, but I realized at some point that I was bothered because I was judging his responses by my own standard. So, if I was asked an emotional question and didn't respond, it would be because I was withholding something or felt uncomfortable with the person I was talking to. That's because I'm super verbal and happy to talk about my feelings forever. He just isn't, and if I tried to probe for more, it put unfair pressure on him to produce something that wasn't there in easily-verbalized form. Over time, he's gotten a lot more comfortable talking about emotional stuff, but that's in part because I don't try to make it happen before he's ready.
Of course, he's also more than happy to listen to me talk about my feelings (at length). And I actually find it relaxing to be able to talk to him about my feelings without getting into the kind of overthinking, feelingsfeelingsfeelings conversations I have with my closest female friends.
posted by MadamM at 7:11 AM on May 11, 2011 [4 favorites]
Of course, he's also more than happy to listen to me talk about my feelings (at length). And I actually find it relaxing to be able to talk to him about my feelings without getting into the kind of overthinking, feelingsfeelingsfeelings conversations I have with my closest female friends.
posted by MadamM at 7:11 AM on May 11, 2011 [4 favorites]
I've become hypervigilant about the whole thing and wonder what this or that action, or lack thereof on his part, "really means."
Perhaps you've been appearing hypervigilant the whole time and are coming off as a bit needy? This would certainly cause a guy like me to withdraw somewhat, expecially considering it's only been six weeks. However, the phrase "six weeks" is extremely ambiguous: how much time have you actually spent together during those six weeks?
He'll say he likes this or that, but not how whatever it is makes him feel.
I'd be put off by someone expecting this from me (especially if it were constant), but only because I don't think in those terms. I like things, but I certainly don't feel that I like things -- if only because the latter way of thinking seems entirely redundant. Granted, this might be (again) due to ambiguous terminology -- I'd suggest you're more likely to get a response (in terms of reasons) as to why he likes something, rather than a response (in terms of feelings) as to how it makes him react.
posted by matlock expressway at 7:47 AM on May 11, 2011
Perhaps you've been appearing hypervigilant the whole time and are coming off as a bit needy? This would certainly cause a guy like me to withdraw somewhat, expecially considering it's only been six weeks. However, the phrase "six weeks" is extremely ambiguous: how much time have you actually spent together during those six weeks?
He'll say he likes this or that, but not how whatever it is makes him feel.
I'd be put off by someone expecting this from me (especially if it were constant), but only because I don't think in those terms. I like things, but I certainly don't feel that I like things -- if only because the latter way of thinking seems entirely redundant. Granted, this might be (again) due to ambiguous terminology -- I'd suggest you're more likely to get a response (in terms of reasons) as to why he likes something, rather than a response (in terms of feelings) as to how it makes him react.
posted by matlock expressway at 7:47 AM on May 11, 2011
A guy thing. And yeah, not all guys are like this -- I am not -- but a lot are. I find that creative males (artists, writers, musicians, actors) are generally more in touch with their emotions and better able to talk about them, probably because emotions are their stock in trade. Other sorts of males, not so much.
posted by Guy_Inamonkeysuit at 7:49 AM on May 11, 2011
posted by Guy_Inamonkeysuit at 7:49 AM on May 11, 2011
Best answer: (Also, my texing/email/phone persona is similarly very different from my in-person persona, if only because the former seems a bit artificial/distant as a conduit for emotions. I also find it much easier to be effusive with kisses than with words. So I wouldn't read too much into that behaviour.)
posted by matlock expressway at 7:53 AM on May 11, 2011
posted by matlock expressway at 7:53 AM on May 11, 2011
You have to decide whether or not you want to date this type of person and if you would be happy with this type of person long term. Just because folks above confirm this is common behavior, doesn't mean it's preferable or even acceptable for you.
I think if you are already twisting yourself into knots trying not to scare this guy off AND posting to metafilter about how you can further shape your internal landscape to fit his external topography... Well, just make sure in the end of the day your are always putting yourself first. Don't settle. Relationships should't be that hard, especially in the beginning.
posted by jbenben at 8:18 AM on May 11, 2011 [2 favorites]
I think if you are already twisting yourself into knots trying not to scare this guy off AND posting to metafilter about how you can further shape your internal landscape to fit his external topography... Well, just make sure in the end of the day your are always putting yourself first. Don't settle. Relationships should't be that hard, especially in the beginning.
posted by jbenben at 8:18 AM on May 11, 2011 [2 favorites]
Sorry, I also wanted to add a note for the number of people saying "this is just how guys are." Please do not gender stereotype. It may be how some or even most men are socialised, but it is not a universal truth and it does nobody of any gender any favours to hold it up as one.
Speaking from my own experience - which barring statistical studies, is all anyone can speak about - while I married a man who exhibits this characteristic I have also been in relationships with men who were nothing like that and enjoyed talking through feelings all the time.
Also, please note that when you hold up this stereotype of "this is how men are" you are holding up a stereotype of heterosexual men and marginalising men who are not het as being not really men. Because Christ knows that stereotype does not tell us gay men are unemotional.
Men in their infinite variety cover the full emotional spectrum. The exact issue in this Ask is this one individual man who sits soundly on the less emotionally communicative end of the spectrum.
posted by DarlingBri at 8:34 AM on May 11, 2011 [10 favorites]
Speaking from my own experience - which barring statistical studies, is all anyone can speak about - while I married a man who exhibits this characteristic I have also been in relationships with men who were nothing like that and enjoyed talking through feelings all the time.
Also, please note that when you hold up this stereotype of "this is how men are" you are holding up a stereotype of heterosexual men and marginalising men who are not het as being not really men. Because Christ knows that stereotype does not tell us gay men are unemotional.
Men in their infinite variety cover the full emotional spectrum. The exact issue in this Ask is this one individual man who sits soundly on the less emotionally communicative end of the spectrum.
posted by DarlingBri at 8:34 AM on May 11, 2011 [10 favorites]
Best answer: Are you conflating non-small talk with deep emotional revelations?
I'm a little confused because you mention both. If, after six weeks, my conversations with a dude were 100% facile snippets on the weather and how the local sports team did in the game last night, I, too, would be jumping out of my skin. I would (as you might want to do) try to have more substantial conversations with him: what are his thoughts on the Bin Laden killing? how is he going to be affected by how they rerouted the light rail? when I do my petition for citywide glass recycling pickup, what does he think is the best way I could go about it to be successful? does he have any ideas on how to quickly and easily fix my AC unit, which may be broken, or may just be low on fluid, what does he think about this weird appliance mystery?
That would be the next step for me, as opposed to jumping into a big deep conversation on feelings. I definitely don't talk about innermost feelings at six weeks (I'm a girl, but as is being pointed out above, emotional retience is not a gendered trait). I have close friends who knew me four years before they ever saw me cry. I don't tend to feel comfortable enough in a romantic relationship to do the intense opening up for months. I mean - I am honest, candid, and affectionate, but I think you really have to work up to conversations like those, otherwise it's too much, too soon, and you end up waking up with an emotional hangover.
So...maybe you just need to work up to it, you know?
posted by vivid postcard at 8:49 AM on May 11, 2011 [1 favorite]
I'm a little confused because you mention both. If, after six weeks, my conversations with a dude were 100% facile snippets on the weather and how the local sports team did in the game last night, I, too, would be jumping out of my skin. I would (as you might want to do) try to have more substantial conversations with him: what are his thoughts on the Bin Laden killing? how is he going to be affected by how they rerouted the light rail? when I do my petition for citywide glass recycling pickup, what does he think is the best way I could go about it to be successful? does he have any ideas on how to quickly and easily fix my AC unit, which may be broken, or may just be low on fluid, what does he think about this weird appliance mystery?
That would be the next step for me, as opposed to jumping into a big deep conversation on feelings. I definitely don't talk about innermost feelings at six weeks (I'm a girl, but as is being pointed out above, emotional retience is not a gendered trait). I have close friends who knew me four years before they ever saw me cry. I don't tend to feel comfortable enough in a romantic relationship to do the intense opening up for months. I mean - I am honest, candid, and affectionate, but I think you really have to work up to conversations like those, otherwise it's too much, too soon, and you end up waking up with an emotional hangover.
So...maybe you just need to work up to it, you know?
posted by vivid postcard at 8:49 AM on May 11, 2011 [1 favorite]
The exact issue in this Ask is this one individual man who sits soundly on the less emotionally communicative end of the spectrum.
The question said "So maybe he is normal, and I'm the one with twisted expectations.", so it set up the normal/unusual discussion.
posted by smackfu at 8:51 AM on May 11, 2011
The question said "So maybe he is normal, and I'm the one with twisted expectations.", so it set up the normal/unusual discussion.
posted by smackfu at 8:51 AM on May 11, 2011
Guy_Inamonkeysuit: I find that creative males (artists, writers, musicians, actors) are generally more in touch with their emotions and better able to talk about them, probably because emotions are their stock in trade. Other sorts of males, not so much.
OP, please don't fall into the tired "in touch with their emotions" bit. Really, it's been said to death elsewhere. Some people feel one way, others feel another way - or don't feel at all in a certain situation. If your guy isn't expressing an emotional reaction to a situation, maybe he's burying it - or maybe he just isn't having an emotional reaction to that situation. We sometimes do a disservice to people (male and female) when we assume that they can't just tell us how they're feeling.
"He/she didn't respond the way I expected - I guess he/she is just not in touch with his/her emotions!"
Seriously, it's entirely possible that this guys simply is as he is presenting himself. It would be disingenuous for anyone in this thread to assume without evidence that he's a simmering pot of repressed emotion, and he won't be "whole" until he gets in touch with those emotions. Because that's what "in touch with their emotions" and "better able to talk about [emotions]" sometimes turns in to: an assumption that the subject is not a complete person until they react the way the observer reacts. Rather than falling into that tired trope, just get to know your guy as an individual.
posted by Tehhund at 8:54 AM on May 11, 2011 [3 favorites]
OP, please don't fall into the tired "in touch with their emotions" bit. Really, it's been said to death elsewhere. Some people feel one way, others feel another way - or don't feel at all in a certain situation. If your guy isn't expressing an emotional reaction to a situation, maybe he's burying it - or maybe he just isn't having an emotional reaction to that situation. We sometimes do a disservice to people (male and female) when we assume that they can't just tell us how they're feeling.
"He/she didn't respond the way I expected - I guess he/she is just not in touch with his/her emotions!"
Seriously, it's entirely possible that this guys simply is as he is presenting himself. It would be disingenuous for anyone in this thread to assume without evidence that he's a simmering pot of repressed emotion, and he won't be "whole" until he gets in touch with those emotions. Because that's what "in touch with their emotions" and "better able to talk about [emotions]" sometimes turns in to: an assumption that the subject is not a complete person until they react the way the observer reacts. Rather than falling into that tired trope, just get to know your guy as an individual.
posted by Tehhund at 8:54 AM on May 11, 2011 [3 favorites]
Oh man, my last relationship was this. Exactly this. I tried to wait it out as long as I could, hoping that he would eventually open up to me, but it never happened, and at that point I felt like the relationship was coasting on nothing more than great sex and affection.
It totally sucked to break up with him, but I had to do it because I was not emotionally or intellectually stimulated. Being the nice and mellow guy that he is, he was very understanding about it and admitted that he pretty much saw it coming from the start.
My advice now is get out now before you get in too deep. You'll never be happy with this dude. Good luck.
posted by Idafolk at 9:01 AM on May 11, 2011 [2 favorites]
It totally sucked to break up with him, but I had to do it because I was not emotionally or intellectually stimulated. Being the nice and mellow guy that he is, he was very understanding about it and admitted that he pretty much saw it coming from the start.
My advice now is get out now before you get in too deep. You'll never be happy with this dude. Good luck.
posted by Idafolk at 9:01 AM on May 11, 2011 [2 favorites]
Best answer: vivid postcard: Are you conflating non-small talk with deep emotional revelations?
I wanted to ask this as well. My husband is an introvert. He lives in his own head. But he's also a philosophy major (turned computer nerd). So we can have really great conversations about substantive things, but to this day he mostly works out emotional issues internally. He has gotten a lot better about talking to me, but still a hard time talking about sad stuff especially. I learned more about the death of his mother when he was in college (before I knew him) through his sisters than I've ever heard directly from him.
Sometimes it's hard and I feel a little disconnected when he is feeling especially sad or introspective, because I am totally left out of what's going on in his head and he gets very quiet. At the same time, like DarlingBri noted above, our connection is based more on the shared life we've built together, things we do together, than things we talk about. It's worth the occasional frustration because he is such an awesome person and we are super compatible in every other way.
Trust yourself and what you feel you need from a partner and if this isn't it, it may be worth looking elsewhere. While he may open up more over time, don't expect him to do a 180 in terms of his personality. Either you can be with someone like that or you can't.
On preview, I also agree with Tehhund about the "not being in touch with their emotions" crap. My husband is one of the most sensitive people I know, man or woman, and that's one of the reasons I love him so much. But he just doesn't want to talk about it. Knowing him as well as I do now, I can read his nonverbal cues and know when something is affecting him.
posted by misskaz at 10:10 AM on May 11, 2011 [3 favorites]
I wanted to ask this as well. My husband is an introvert. He lives in his own head. But he's also a philosophy major (turned computer nerd). So we can have really great conversations about substantive things, but to this day he mostly works out emotional issues internally. He has gotten a lot better about talking to me, but still a hard time talking about sad stuff especially. I learned more about the death of his mother when he was in college (before I knew him) through his sisters than I've ever heard directly from him.
Sometimes it's hard and I feel a little disconnected when he is feeling especially sad or introspective, because I am totally left out of what's going on in his head and he gets very quiet. At the same time, like DarlingBri noted above, our connection is based more on the shared life we've built together, things we do together, than things we talk about. It's worth the occasional frustration because he is such an awesome person and we are super compatible in every other way.
Trust yourself and what you feel you need from a partner and if this isn't it, it may be worth looking elsewhere. While he may open up more over time, don't expect him to do a 180 in terms of his personality. Either you can be with someone like that or you can't.
On preview, I also agree with Tehhund about the "not being in touch with their emotions" crap. My husband is one of the most sensitive people I know, man or woman, and that's one of the reasons I love him so much. But he just doesn't want to talk about it. Knowing him as well as I do now, I can read his nonverbal cues and know when something is affecting him.
posted by misskaz at 10:10 AM on May 11, 2011 [3 favorites]
Best answer: Lots of people are like this! And it probably doesn't mean a thing, especially just six weeks into a relationship.
The only reason his laid-back attitude might send off warning bells to me is if I thought he were deliberately hiding something important. For example, if we never went to his place and I only had a cell phone number and we were supposed to be exclusive, I might wonder why he didn't want me at his place, stuff like that.
But the, "He tells me when he likes something, but not why"? I'm not sure I can always express why I like something! Either relax and let it go, or if this is a deal-breaker for you, let him know how you are feeling. No sense asking us when he is *right there*.
posted by misha at 10:59 AM on May 11, 2011
The only reason his laid-back attitude might send off warning bells to me is if I thought he were deliberately hiding something important. For example, if we never went to his place and I only had a cell phone number and we were supposed to be exclusive, I might wonder why he didn't want me at his place, stuff like that.
But the, "He tells me when he likes something, but not why"? I'm not sure I can always express why I like something! Either relax and let it go, or if this is a deal-breaker for you, let him know how you are feeling. No sense asking us when he is *right there*.
posted by misha at 10:59 AM on May 11, 2011
Yeah, as another introvert I feel 6 weeks is not really long enough of a relationship for me to put my heart on my sleeve with you and tell you my deepest thoughts. You can't force these things. It's not like you can say "OK, tell me how you REALLY feel about life... now. Go!". You just have to accept it for what it is. Maybe he'll open up more after 6 months, or 6 years, or maybe not at all. Maybe some emotional upheaval will occur and he'll be unexpectedly sobbing onto your shoulder tomorrow.
Just because he doesn't express his emotions with you (yet), doesn't mean he doesn't have any.
The only thing I can suggest which might make him open up a bit is to get really, really drunk or stoned together - just the two of you.
posted by Diag at 12:48 PM on May 11, 2011 [1 favorite]
Just because he doesn't express his emotions with you (yet), doesn't mean he doesn't have any.
The only thing I can suggest which might make him open up a bit is to get really, really drunk or stoned together - just the two of you.
posted by Diag at 12:48 PM on May 11, 2011 [1 favorite]
Are you conflating non-small talk with deep emotional revelations?
Very good point.
I don't particularly want or need an emotional play-by-play, but I'm with vivid postcard on this one. If I can't sustain long, interesting conversations with a guy about something, then he isn't for me.
Not everyone's the same; I know people for whom "fun to talk with" is somewhere on the "nice to have" list of traits, but not essential. I wouldn't be up for a small-talk-only partner, no matter how nice or how well suited physically; it just wouldn't be worth it for me.
It's not clear from your question whether this is the problem, or whether you're specifically looking for emotional validation. Knowing the answer to that question might help you figure out what might make you more comfortable.
posted by tangerine at 3:30 PM on May 11, 2011
Very good point.
I don't particularly want or need an emotional play-by-play, but I'm with vivid postcard on this one. If I can't sustain long, interesting conversations with a guy about something, then he isn't for me.
Not everyone's the same; I know people for whom "fun to talk with" is somewhere on the "nice to have" list of traits, but not essential. I wouldn't be up for a small-talk-only partner, no matter how nice or how well suited physically; it just wouldn't be worth it for me.
It's not clear from your question whether this is the problem, or whether you're specifically looking for emotional validation. Knowing the answer to that question might help you figure out what might make you more comfortable.
posted by tangerine at 3:30 PM on May 11, 2011
Best answer: You're sabotaging yourself by thinking that he's going to blow you off and being hyper vigilant. This is not a good mind frame to be in if you're trying to have a healthy relationship. (You are trying to do that, right?) If that's what you're looking for even if you say you don't want to be blown off, you'll interpret his words and actions through that filter. So cut it out! Why do that to yourself?
Second, you have a relationship history with lots of drama and high emotion. This guy is the complete opposite, so this is new for you. It's only six weeks in, so you're still adjusting to being in a relationship with this type of person. The question for you is whether or not you can accept him for who he is. If so, enjoy what you have and don't worry about what's not there. If you feel like you really need deep emotional conversations in a relationship, and he's not cutting it for you, end it. But I think your self-sabotage and big self-doubts are the main issues here you need to address.
posted by foxjacket at 4:06 PM on May 11, 2011 [2 favorites]
Second, you have a relationship history with lots of drama and high emotion. This guy is the complete opposite, so this is new for you. It's only six weeks in, so you're still adjusting to being in a relationship with this type of person. The question for you is whether or not you can accept him for who he is. If so, enjoy what you have and don't worry about what's not there. If you feel like you really need deep emotional conversations in a relationship, and he's not cutting it for you, end it. But I think your self-sabotage and big self-doubts are the main issues here you need to address.
posted by foxjacket at 4:06 PM on May 11, 2011 [2 favorites]
Being calm and easygoing is rather an asset, maybe you could try to emulate him. See how he reacts when you mirror his personality back to him.
posted by blargerz at 4:47 PM on May 11, 2011
posted by blargerz at 4:47 PM on May 11, 2011
Best answer: "He's affectionate, romantic, and kind. The sex is good. We have a lot in common."
This, right there, is harder to find than you think. Embrace what you have found.
For some people, an emotional connection is not developed through talking.
You may, however, be different, and that may be a dealbreaker for you - but you do know how he feels about you via his actions towards you.
posted by mleigh at 5:12 PM on May 11, 2011 [2 favorites]
This, right there, is harder to find than you think. Embrace what you have found.
For some people, an emotional connection is not developed through talking.
You may, however, be different, and that may be a dealbreaker for you - but you do know how he feels about you via his actions towards you.
posted by mleigh at 5:12 PM on May 11, 2011 [2 favorites]
Good god. Being emotionally unavailable is NOT A "NORMAL" MALE!!!
This is sad to see so many people offer up this stereotypical excuse.
In my 40's now, I have been in many many relationships over the past 20 years. Men are all over the spectrum with emotional availability but it is not a "NORMAL" male trait to make small talk all the time and not open up and share the real you!
If you can't form an emotional connection with a man, then how satisfying will it be, day in and day out? Might as well as call it "just sex".
And as you age, just wait til you have serious health issues or some tragedy occurs in your life - and you go to him for support and find he has little to offer! Then you will realize and value what an EMOTIONALLY AVAILABLE man can offer in contrast to an underdeveloped fearful boy.
I don't mean to come across too harshly here, but come on people....this is ridiculous to use such an old fashioned stereotyped excuse!
I have been in a relationship like this on and off for 4 years. Although he tries to change, his emotional stinginess and secretiveness revolves around deep seated fears and trust issues. I can't change that.
posted by bananaskin at 10:03 AM on May 29, 2011
This is sad to see so many people offer up this stereotypical excuse.
In my 40's now, I have been in many many relationships over the past 20 years. Men are all over the spectrum with emotional availability but it is not a "NORMAL" male trait to make small talk all the time and not open up and share the real you!
If you can't form an emotional connection with a man, then how satisfying will it be, day in and day out? Might as well as call it "just sex".
And as you age, just wait til you have serious health issues or some tragedy occurs in your life - and you go to him for support and find he has little to offer! Then you will realize and value what an EMOTIONALLY AVAILABLE man can offer in contrast to an underdeveloped fearful boy.
I don't mean to come across too harshly here, but come on people....this is ridiculous to use such an old fashioned stereotyped excuse!
I have been in a relationship like this on and off for 4 years. Although he tries to change, his emotional stinginess and secretiveness revolves around deep seated fears and trust issues. I can't change that.
posted by bananaskin at 10:03 AM on May 29, 2011
Oh.....
to answer your question: how to bond with a nonverbal person....you don't.
I wanted to follow up because this issue has long been on my mind and in my own life.
I relate to the initial question posed by you sucky_puppet.
Here's a follow up comment/question:
What is the purpose of intimate relationships?
Is it to conceal ourselves, remain aloof and light in conversation, have no deep connections or sharing on topics beyond the superficial?!?
These men who can not open up and share themselves....as a society do we even want to consider this "normal"? Why would some of you want to consider this as "typical" or "acceptable"?
I am wondering if we continue to suffer from strong cultural teachings which no longer serve us? And do we even think that our current way of stereotyping has even existed for very long? Look up the ancient egyptians, prior to their patriarchical take over in the later kingdoms and you will find men and women equally developing both their "feminine" and "masculine" expressions to be finally whole. Why do we now put down sharing thoughts, being verbal, and connections and classify them as being "un male"??!?
Men who can not open up and share, we accept you, but you are not the men who will be in successful long term relationships. Isn't it time to evolve and be able to carry a healthy relationship?
posted by bananaskin at 10:51 AM on May 29, 2011 [2 favorites]
to answer your question: how to bond with a nonverbal person....you don't.
I wanted to follow up because this issue has long been on my mind and in my own life.
I relate to the initial question posed by you sucky_puppet.
Here's a follow up comment/question:
What is the purpose of intimate relationships?
Is it to conceal ourselves, remain aloof and light in conversation, have no deep connections or sharing on topics beyond the superficial?!?
These men who can not open up and share themselves....as a society do we even want to consider this "normal"? Why would some of you want to consider this as "typical" or "acceptable"?
I am wondering if we continue to suffer from strong cultural teachings which no longer serve us? And do we even think that our current way of stereotyping has even existed for very long? Look up the ancient egyptians, prior to their patriarchical take over in the later kingdoms and you will find men and women equally developing both their "feminine" and "masculine" expressions to be finally whole. Why do we now put down sharing thoughts, being verbal, and connections and classify them as being "un male"??!?
Men who can not open up and share, we accept you, but you are not the men who will be in successful long term relationships. Isn't it time to evolve and be able to carry a healthy relationship?
posted by bananaskin at 10:51 AM on May 29, 2011 [2 favorites]
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If you want to share deeper emotional ties with him though: Go for it! Start with your childhood and tell him stories about it and ask him generic questions like "What was your middle school like" or whatever. Don't expect him to break down crying but he might be comfortable sharing emotions about his past first.
In my opinion normal reticent people can actually be even more interesting once you get to know them--it just takes years rather than weeks. Try to apprectiate that your guy is a Thomas Hardy novel, not a Danielle Steele paperback or a Chuck Palahniuk character. And most of all--RELAX. Don't pester him. Intimacy has to be earned, you don't get the key to someones psyche after 6 weeks just because you've slept together.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 5:29 AM on May 11, 2011 [2 favorites]