Too little, too late? I might have thrown the baby out with the water!
May 9, 2011 10:20 PM Subscribe
How do I let a male acquaintance know that, at the end of the day, after my coward and fearful actions of keeping him at a distance, I really do like him?
I just came upon the realization that I am genuinely "in like" with a guy friend. The problem is, after months of him hinting he may have liked me, I did nothing but avoid him. If anyone views my past posts, it's been a rough year and a half in terms of exes and friends, so I have been treading VERY carefully. I have bowed out from the dating scene to let myself have some breathing room, but I met this guy through another close friend and he is, for lack of a better word, amazing. I remember writing out a list of qualities I wanted in someone after my last break up (to keep me in line if I ever succumbed to any rebounds) and he fits a good 95% of it. We've had some wonderful discussions, but since I have had my guard up, these interactions have been sporadic.
Lately, I have not gone to events where I know he will be, I no longer stop by his work to drop off coffee to say hi, and I have completely stopped texting. He is also aware that I do not want to date, so I am not sure why he hasn't officially done anything. If you have ever watched any show or movie when the girl keeps brushing the guy off even though she likes him...that's me, but much worse. I've literally walked past him at gatherings and NOT said hi just to keep myself at a distance. I realize how immature this is/was, but I cannot begin to express the fear I have about letting anyone in, even a guy friend.
I would like to know, now that I feel I am ready, how I should go about approaching him in terms of building our friendship. I know I have a huge whole to dig myself out of, but like I said, he's amazing and I am willing to do the legwork now. Any advice would be appreciated...and please keep the immature criticism to a minimum. I am well aware of how much of a screw up I was, but I am sure we have all been wrecked by a relationship at some point in our lives.
Thank you in advance!
I just came upon the realization that I am genuinely "in like" with a guy friend. The problem is, after months of him hinting he may have liked me, I did nothing but avoid him. If anyone views my past posts, it's been a rough year and a half in terms of exes and friends, so I have been treading VERY carefully. I have bowed out from the dating scene to let myself have some breathing room, but I met this guy through another close friend and he is, for lack of a better word, amazing. I remember writing out a list of qualities I wanted in someone after my last break up (to keep me in line if I ever succumbed to any rebounds) and he fits a good 95% of it. We've had some wonderful discussions, but since I have had my guard up, these interactions have been sporadic.
Lately, I have not gone to events where I know he will be, I no longer stop by his work to drop off coffee to say hi, and I have completely stopped texting. He is also aware that I do not want to date, so I am not sure why he hasn't officially done anything. If you have ever watched any show or movie when the girl keeps brushing the guy off even though she likes him...that's me, but much worse. I've literally walked past him at gatherings and NOT said hi just to keep myself at a distance. I realize how immature this is/was, but I cannot begin to express the fear I have about letting anyone in, even a guy friend.
I would like to know, now that I feel I am ready, how I should go about approaching him in terms of building our friendship. I know I have a huge whole to dig myself out of, but like I said, he's amazing and I am willing to do the legwork now. Any advice would be appreciated...and please keep the immature criticism to a minimum. I am well aware of how much of a screw up I was, but I am sure we have all been wrecked by a relationship at some point in our lives.
Thank you in advance!
For the most part you cannot have your cake and eat it too. I say this as someone who is now in a relationship (by the grace of God) with someone who I treated very poorly initially, much in the same way you've treated this guy, and for the same reasons. He has undoubtedly discovered that you have been alienating him on purpose, and quite frankly I don't think he's going to be very receptive or comfortable with you trying to reverse the seriously mixed signals you've been giving him. I'm sure you don't want to hear that, but that's the honest truth. I've been you, and I've been him.
However, I think that as you stand to lose access to him either way, the best and the bravest thing to do would be to gear up to tell him what you've told us (in so many words) and to offer up your sincerest apologies for your behavior, and then let him decide what he wants to do. If he decides that your behavior was too alienating, then you'll have your answer. If he decides to give it another go, then you'll be able to move forward with him. Just don't go into "please forgive me" mode. I did that a few years ago as a teenager and it was worse than the initial alienation.
Good luck. I really hope this works out, and I also hope that you have access to a therapist and a support system that is helping you work through the things that put you in this position to begin with. You deserve to move on from them as fully as possible.
posted by patronuscharms at 10:29 PM on May 9, 2011 [1 favorite]
However, I think that as you stand to lose access to him either way, the best and the bravest thing to do would be to gear up to tell him what you've told us (in so many words) and to offer up your sincerest apologies for your behavior, and then let him decide what he wants to do. If he decides that your behavior was too alienating, then you'll have your answer. If he decides to give it another go, then you'll be able to move forward with him. Just don't go into "please forgive me" mode. I did that a few years ago as a teenager and it was worse than the initial alienation.
Good luck. I really hope this works out, and I also hope that you have access to a therapist and a support system that is helping you work through the things that put you in this position to begin with. You deserve to move on from them as fully as possible.
posted by patronuscharms at 10:29 PM on May 9, 2011 [1 favorite]
I just wanted to say that the words you are using ("coward," "fearful," "huge hole to dig myself out of," "immature," and "screw up") don't really match up with the list of things you've actually done to him ("walked past him," "completely stopped texting," "not gone to events where I know he will be").
posted by yaymukund at 10:48 PM on May 9, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by yaymukund at 10:48 PM on May 9, 2011 [2 favorites]
This isn't nearly as bad as you think it is. Just tell him.
posted by twblalock at 10:59 PM on May 9, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by twblalock at 10:59 PM on May 9, 2011 [2 favorites]
Has he himself given any outward signs that he's actually bothered by anything you've done, or are these all just your thoughts?
If it's the latter, I would just proceed as if everything were normal and there is no issue. Self-fulfilling prophecy?
posted by John Cohen at 11:16 PM on May 9, 2011
If it's the latter, I would just proceed as if everything were normal and there is no issue. Self-fulfilling prophecy?
posted by John Cohen at 11:16 PM on May 9, 2011
Do you want to date this guy now? If so, since you met him through a mutual friend I think it might be simplest to just ask your friend to see if he's interested.
Other then that, just ask him out. You don't need to explain all this stuff. People between hanging out a lot and not hanging out that much. Just call/text and ask if he wants to hang out.
posted by delmoi at 11:22 PM on May 9, 2011
Other then that, just ask him out. You don't need to explain all this stuff. People between hanging out a lot and not hanging out that much. Just call/text and ask if he wants to hang out.
posted by delmoi at 11:22 PM on May 9, 2011
Response by poster: To answer John Cohen, he's completely backed off. Before, he would approach me and find a way to be around the same group I am with. Now, he never comes around anymore. He used to call my work to talk to his best friend, but even when she wasn't there, he would still ask for me, but I would find some way to keep the conversation short. Now, he never calls. I've tried to slowly extend the olive branch by texting him that I am in the neighborhood of his work to offer to come by and say hi for a bit or to grab coffee with him, but he's said a few times that he was busy with work.
The mutual friend we have hinted that he didn't understand why I refuse to date anyone, somewhat implying that he took it personally. To delmoi, I have asked her and she said that I am the one girl he won't talk to anyone about. She has said that whenever they have gatherings and I am not there, he always asks about me. For instance, they went to Vegas last weekend and he apparently suggested that next time the group goes, everyone should make me go too. Little things like that keeps coming up, but I just don't know how to proceed.
posted by penguingrl at 11:29 PM on May 9, 2011
The mutual friend we have hinted that he didn't understand why I refuse to date anyone, somewhat implying that he took it personally. To delmoi, I have asked her and she said that I am the one girl he won't talk to anyone about. She has said that whenever they have gatherings and I am not there, he always asks about me. For instance, they went to Vegas last weekend and he apparently suggested that next time the group goes, everyone should make me go too. Little things like that keeps coming up, but I just don't know how to proceed.
posted by penguingrl at 11:29 PM on May 9, 2011
> He is also aware that I do not want to date, so I am not sure why he hasn't officially done anything.
This sentence is, to me, a bit confusing.
At any rate, you're fairly sure he likes you, so relax: He's almost certainly open to an expression of interest from you.
But now that you've kept him at a distance, expressing interest is squarely your responsibility.
You have a mutual friend, so you can use the latter as an intermediary: "Hey, I haven't seen Boy X in a while. I wonder what he's doing. He should call me!"
Better, you can actually contact the guy you like, clearly explain that you had been keeping nearly everyone at a distance, and state, directly, that it would be fun to get coffee and talk.
posted by darth_tedious at 11:34 PM on May 9, 2011
This sentence is, to me, a bit confusing.
At any rate, you're fairly sure he likes you, so relax: He's almost certainly open to an expression of interest from you.
But now that you've kept him at a distance, expressing interest is squarely your responsibility.
You have a mutual friend, so you can use the latter as an intermediary: "Hey, I haven't seen Boy X in a while. I wonder what he's doing. He should call me!"
Better, you can actually contact the guy you like, clearly explain that you had been keeping nearly everyone at a distance, and state, directly, that it would be fun to get coffee and talk.
posted by darth_tedious at 11:34 PM on May 9, 2011
Response by poster: Sorry darth_tedious....typo on my account. Meant to drop "not."
posted by penguingrl at 11:37 PM on May 9, 2011
posted by penguingrl at 11:37 PM on May 9, 2011
Ah. Again, though-- while I'm sure this may seem intimidating, really, when a guy likes you, you can expect pretty good things from just marching right on up to him.
posted by darth_tedious at 11:42 PM on May 9, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by darth_tedious at 11:42 PM on May 9, 2011 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Well....I've unfortunately been brainwashed by the "He's Just Not That In To You" concept and part of the reason why I am concerned is that, according to this hogwash, if he was in to me, whatever is going on with me wouldn't stop him from making a move. I've met guys who wouldn't take no for an answer over a long period of time (which is why I was so weary of moving forward with this), so I guess I was including him under this generalization.
posted by penguingrl at 11:45 PM on May 9, 2011
posted by penguingrl at 11:45 PM on May 9, 2011
I no longer stop by his work to drop off coffee to say hi,
Start this habit up again. The first time you do it, say something short and to the point, i.e. "I'm sorry I've been distant lately. I've been having a stressful few months, and I needed to focus on myself for a bit. Anyway, I brought you some coffee." Don't offer explanations of every terrible thing that's happened the last year; don't grovel; don't indulge in self-loathing. Keep it short and direct and change subjects as soon as is appropriate. If he seems receptive, do it again a few days later, and/or ask him out.
All in all, this is not a huge terrible wrong that you've done to him. Shit happens, and people drift closer and farther apart, sometimes without any particular reason. It's part of life. If this guy is as great as you say, he'll understand that, and won't even think twice about this whole episode. He may or may not still want to date you, but I don't think you should expect a hostile reception when you strike up contact again, particularly if you are honest and direct, and you make it clear that you're not trying to play games or jerk him around.
while I'm sure this may seem intimidating, really, when a guy likes you, you can expect pretty good things from just marching right on up to him.
This bears repeating. You won't get anywhere by trying to make him read your mind. Just say what you want. If you want suggestions for phrasing, I've had good results with "I like you a lot. Will you go on a date with me?"
posted by Commander Rachek at 11:55 PM on May 9, 2011 [4 favorites]
Start this habit up again. The first time you do it, say something short and to the point, i.e. "I'm sorry I've been distant lately. I've been having a stressful few months, and I needed to focus on myself for a bit. Anyway, I brought you some coffee." Don't offer explanations of every terrible thing that's happened the last year; don't grovel; don't indulge in self-loathing. Keep it short and direct and change subjects as soon as is appropriate. If he seems receptive, do it again a few days later, and/or ask him out.
All in all, this is not a huge terrible wrong that you've done to him. Shit happens, and people drift closer and farther apart, sometimes without any particular reason. It's part of life. If this guy is as great as you say, he'll understand that, and won't even think twice about this whole episode. He may or may not still want to date you, but I don't think you should expect a hostile reception when you strike up contact again, particularly if you are honest and direct, and you make it clear that you're not trying to play games or jerk him around.
while I'm sure this may seem intimidating, really, when a guy likes you, you can expect pretty good things from just marching right on up to him.
This bears repeating. You won't get anywhere by trying to make him read your mind. Just say what you want. If you want suggestions for phrasing, I've had good results with "I like you a lot. Will you go on a date with me?"
posted by Commander Rachek at 11:55 PM on May 9, 2011 [4 favorites]
It seems to me like maybe he was respecting your stated need for space. Send him an email or give him a quick call. Invite him out for coffee. Say you've been going through a lot and pulled into your own headspace for a while but you're finally getting things on track but you missed hanging out.
posted by cmgonzalez at 12:00 AM on May 10, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by cmgonzalez at 12:00 AM on May 10, 2011 [1 favorite]
> I've had good results with "I like you a lot. Will you go on a date with me?"
Study and emulate.
posted by darth_tedious at 12:00 AM on May 10, 2011
Study and emulate.
posted by darth_tedious at 12:00 AM on May 10, 2011
Best answer: I'm short of time, so excuse my bluntness, but walking past him in public without talking to him... that's the cut direct, a deliberate snub that you reserve for that guy who is your date rapist and who is thriving unpunished in the community. Or who slandered you at work and got you fired. You've shown him that you actively hate him. If you're lucky he may not have taken it that way, but that's what you've actually expressed whether you meant it or not.
In the face of that, you're not asking him to be into you, you're asking him to be a stalker with hobnail-booted insensitivity to the blaring signals of Leave Me Alone that you're broadcasting.
I think you should do what darth_tedious said, since fortunately this doesn't seem to be totally unrecoverable according to what's gotten back to you through third parties.
posted by tel3path at 12:01 AM on May 10, 2011 [10 favorites]
In the face of that, you're not asking him to be into you, you're asking him to be a stalker with hobnail-booted insensitivity to the blaring signals of Leave Me Alone that you're broadcasting.
I think you should do what darth_tedious said, since fortunately this doesn't seem to be totally unrecoverable according to what's gotten back to you through third parties.
posted by tel3path at 12:01 AM on May 10, 2011 [10 favorites]
Well....I've unfortunately been brainwashed by the "He's Just Not That In To You" concept and part of the reason why I am concerned is that, according to this hogwash, if he was in to me, whatever is going on with me wouldn't stop him from making a move.
This is no time for confusing yourself with He's Just Not That Into You bullshit. You should not give it a second thought, since he was simply respecting the very clear signals you were sending. Respecting boundaries like that is a good thing.
posted by salvia at 12:22 AM on May 10, 2011 [7 favorites]
This is no time for confusing yourself with He's Just Not That Into You bullshit. You should not give it a second thought, since he was simply respecting the very clear signals you were sending. Respecting boundaries like that is a good thing.
posted by salvia at 12:22 AM on May 10, 2011 [7 favorites]
Light and breezy. Either text or as above bring coffee by again, "Hey, I haven't been by in a while...busy year. How ya been?"
posted by rhizome at 12:36 AM on May 10, 2011
posted by rhizome at 12:36 AM on May 10, 2011
I'm not sure it's ideal to reach out to him out of the blue, and simply pretend that your distant behavior around him never happened, or declare your feelings for him. From his point of view, he might think something like "What, now all of a sudden she wants to talk? What am I supposed to say?"
Instead of putting the ball in his court, I think you should at least elaborate on why you were that way, and let him know that none of it was his fault. If he's a cool guy, he'll probably understand, and maybe be relieved. You just don't want to scare him off as that girl that avoided him like the plague... and liked him the whole time.
posted by TheSecretDecoderRing at 2:29 AM on May 10, 2011 [2 favorites]
Instead of putting the ball in his court, I think you should at least elaborate on why you were that way, and let him know that none of it was his fault. If he's a cool guy, he'll probably understand, and maybe be relieved. You just don't want to scare him off as that girl that avoided him like the plague... and liked him the whole time.
posted by TheSecretDecoderRing at 2:29 AM on May 10, 2011 [2 favorites]
Best answer: I just wanted to pick up on this: "Well....I've unfortunately been brainwashed by the 'He's Just Not That In To You' concept"
As derided as that kind of literature is, it tends to be about not following your naturally affectionate impulses to call a guy every five minutes, offer yourself to him on a silver platter, affix yourself to his face like The Alien, build a secret surveillance hideout in his attic, and so on. Who among us can not look back upon such behaviours with embarrassment?
But none of that literature tells you to give a guy the cut direct in public or actively avoid him or give the appearance that you actually hate him. No-one and nothing in popular culture told you to do that, you did that by yourself. Furthermore, you must have known how MeFites would automatically react to any mention of it, and that you would automatically be urged to "stop playing games and just ask him out already".
Given that you have been pretty nasty to him, I think an unambiguous apology and an explanation that the problem lies entirely with you is warranted. The apology is actually something of a separate issue to whether or not you should ask him out. I had a supposed friend treat me in a similar fashion, and while I cannot know what emotions (if any) were driving him, he would have to come up with a very convincing apology for me to consider speaking to him at all, ever again. If (in this alternate universe in which he apologizes) he were in the very same conversation to go straight from there to asking me out - or, worse, gloss over the apology and just go for the asking out - that, to me, would be a sign that he was not in reality at all, and I would fear for my personal safety. Because if someone starts emotionally abusing me before the first date, I take that as just a little bit of a red flag, you know?
So, apology first, then if he reacts favourably to that you can cautiously ask him out (because you don't want to waste any more of his time here), but I think you need to make it clear that the apology is your priority and that you care about his feelings even if you don't end up dating him.
posted by tel3path at 3:29 AM on May 10, 2011 [6 favorites]
As derided as that kind of literature is, it tends to be about not following your naturally affectionate impulses to call a guy every five minutes, offer yourself to him on a silver platter, affix yourself to his face like The Alien, build a secret surveillance hideout in his attic, and so on. Who among us can not look back upon such behaviours with embarrassment?
But none of that literature tells you to give a guy the cut direct in public or actively avoid him or give the appearance that you actually hate him. No-one and nothing in popular culture told you to do that, you did that by yourself. Furthermore, you must have known how MeFites would automatically react to any mention of it, and that you would automatically be urged to "stop playing games and just ask him out already".
Given that you have been pretty nasty to him, I think an unambiguous apology and an explanation that the problem lies entirely with you is warranted. The apology is actually something of a separate issue to whether or not you should ask him out. I had a supposed friend treat me in a similar fashion, and while I cannot know what emotions (if any) were driving him, he would have to come up with a very convincing apology for me to consider speaking to him at all, ever again. If (in this alternate universe in which he apologizes) he were in the very same conversation to go straight from there to asking me out - or, worse, gloss over the apology and just go for the asking out - that, to me, would be a sign that he was not in reality at all, and I would fear for my personal safety. Because if someone starts emotionally abusing me before the first date, I take that as just a little bit of a red flag, you know?
So, apology first, then if he reacts favourably to that you can cautiously ask him out (because you don't want to waste any more of his time here), but I think you need to make it clear that the apology is your priority and that you care about his feelings even if you don't end up dating him.
posted by tel3path at 3:29 AM on May 10, 2011 [6 favorites]
Crossposted with dflemingecon, whom I favourite a thousand times.
posted by tel3path at 3:35 AM on May 10, 2011
posted by tel3path at 3:35 AM on May 10, 2011
Best answer: He is also aware that I do want to date, so I am not sure why he hasn't officially done anything.
I'm pretty sure I know why and I just wonder how you don't see it.
You froze him out. After months of getting not just the cold shoulder, but flat out ignored, he has put up his shields to protect himself from you as you were protecting yourself from others until recently. You sent him a message by ignoring him before and he's received it loud and clear and respected it because he's apparently a good guy.
All you can do at this point is apologize, explain why you did what you did and make your feelings plain. You have to lay it all out all the line and risk active rejection if you hope to have any hope of moving forward with this guy.
Honestly, though, if I were him. I'd reject any advance from you out of hand. I don't like people not being human to me. No one likes being ignored.
So, honestly, I think you need to apologize and, for his sake, just let any chance at romance be and let him move on with his life and you with yours.
posted by inturnaround at 5:18 AM on May 10, 2011 [2 favorites]
I'm pretty sure I know why and I just wonder how you don't see it.
You froze him out. After months of getting not just the cold shoulder, but flat out ignored, he has put up his shields to protect himself from you as you were protecting yourself from others until recently. You sent him a message by ignoring him before and he's received it loud and clear and respected it because he's apparently a good guy.
All you can do at this point is apologize, explain why you did what you did and make your feelings plain. You have to lay it all out all the line and risk active rejection if you hope to have any hope of moving forward with this guy.
Honestly, though, if I were him. I'd reject any advance from you out of hand. I don't like people not being human to me. No one likes being ignored.
So, honestly, I think you need to apologize and, for his sake, just let any chance at romance be and let him move on with his life and you with yours.
posted by inturnaround at 5:18 AM on May 10, 2011 [2 favorites]
Best answer: Well....I've unfortunately been brainwashed by the "He's Just Not That In To You" concept and part of the reason why I am concerned is that, according to this hogwash, if he was in to me, whatever is going on with me wouldn't stop him from making a move.
And if this is what he's thinking about you right now? She's just not that into me. If she were, she'd have made a move.
Don't play games. Be honest.
posted by prefpara at 5:25 AM on May 10, 2011
And if this is what he's thinking about you right now? She's just not that into me. If she were, she'd have made a move.
Don't play games. Be honest.
posted by prefpara at 5:25 AM on May 10, 2011
While there's a lot of excellent advice here about how he's probably feeling, if he's still asking your mutual friend about you, he's probably not that butthurt by your behavior. Like others have said, he's just being respectful of the signals you've been putting out.
If I were you, I'd start warming up to him casually. Once you've reopened the lines of communication a little bit, apologize for your behavior and move on. I wouldn't, out of the blue, confront him with a big apology and a neurotic explanation of your behavior right out of the gate. Kinda puts him on the spot and makes you look overinvested.
But do apologize, and try your best not to play games, because if this is where you're at before you're even dating him, I'd hate to see the kinds of drama you'd be able to put yourself through once there's a little attachment involved.
posted by malapropist at 5:55 AM on May 10, 2011
If I were you, I'd start warming up to him casually. Once you've reopened the lines of communication a little bit, apologize for your behavior and move on. I wouldn't, out of the blue, confront him with a big apology and a neurotic explanation of your behavior right out of the gate. Kinda puts him on the spot and makes you look overinvested.
But do apologize, and try your best not to play games, because if this is where you're at before you're even dating him, I'd hate to see the kinds of drama you'd be able to put yourself through once there's a little attachment involved.
posted by malapropist at 5:55 AM on May 10, 2011
Well....I've unfortunately been brainwashed by the "He's Just Not That In To You" concept and part of the reason why I am concerned is that, according to this hogwash, if he was in to me, whatever is going on with me wouldn't stop him from making a move.
I am going to quote this, as many have done before me, because I'm not quite sure you took away the correct message from "He's Just Not That Into You". As tel3path said (very well) above, the point of following HJNTIY isn't that men should strongarm their way through shitty or uninterested behavior on the part of a female because that's how determined he is to woo her. Can you imagine if this was the ideal? If men clearly disrespected your clear "no" to their pursuit and followed you anyway? If they didn't take a hint and get lost but figured that the best way to your heart was to disregard your actual feelings?
That sounds incredibly bad. But that's what you are expecting your love interest to do. I kind of respect the fact that he's backed off after you made it clear you weren't interested (despite the fact that you are, in fact, interested).
Question: is a tiny part of you giving him the cold shoulder because you hope that his interest is so strong that he'll pursue you anyway? It would be flattering, but you don't want to be with that kind of guy, I promise.
I know that "He's Just Not That Into You" gets a lot of flack, but I can appreciate the message to women that they need to stop the desperate measures to attract and keep a guy's attention and instead hold their standards to a degree that they find men who are equally as interested in them. It has the secondary support of keeping you from cringing when you think of your behavior later in life.
You seem like you may be taking a lot of dating/relationship cues from popular culture. Try to keep this guy as a friend first. Apologize for your shitty behavior. Say something like "I am so sorry that I've seemed distant lately. It wasn't personal and I feel badly about it. I hope we can be friends".
Good luck!
posted by amicamentis at 6:12 AM on May 10, 2011 [2 favorites]
I am going to quote this, as many have done before me, because I'm not quite sure you took away the correct message from "He's Just Not That Into You". As tel3path said (very well) above, the point of following HJNTIY isn't that men should strongarm their way through shitty or uninterested behavior on the part of a female because that's how determined he is to woo her. Can you imagine if this was the ideal? If men clearly disrespected your clear "no" to their pursuit and followed you anyway? If they didn't take a hint and get lost but figured that the best way to your heart was to disregard your actual feelings?
That sounds incredibly bad. But that's what you are expecting your love interest to do. I kind of respect the fact that he's backed off after you made it clear you weren't interested (despite the fact that you are, in fact, interested).
Question: is a tiny part of you giving him the cold shoulder because you hope that his interest is so strong that he'll pursue you anyway? It would be flattering, but you don't want to be with that kind of guy, I promise.
I know that "He's Just Not That Into You" gets a lot of flack, but I can appreciate the message to women that they need to stop the desperate measures to attract and keep a guy's attention and instead hold their standards to a degree that they find men who are equally as interested in them. It has the secondary support of keeping you from cringing when you think of your behavior later in life.
You seem like you may be taking a lot of dating/relationship cues from popular culture. Try to keep this guy as a friend first. Apologize for your shitty behavior. Say something like "I am so sorry that I've seemed distant lately. It wasn't personal and I feel badly about it. I hope we can be friends".
Good luck!
posted by amicamentis at 6:12 AM on May 10, 2011 [2 favorites]
I agree strongly with tel3path that there are two separate things here. You owe him an apology for being beastly and treating him so poorly. Separately, you made clear that you're not interested, repeatedly. You have to be the one to make a move.
Also, figure out what you want (friends? romance? sex?) before you go after this guy. If I were him, and I liked you, and you reinitiated contact and then waffled around confusingly, I'd declare shenanigans and say I'd had it with your bullshit.
posted by J. Wilson at 6:17 AM on May 10, 2011 [1 favorite]
Also, figure out what you want (friends? romance? sex?) before you go after this guy. If I were him, and I liked you, and you reinitiated contact and then waffled around confusingly, I'd declare shenanigans and say I'd had it with your bullshit.
posted by J. Wilson at 6:17 AM on May 10, 2011 [1 favorite]
Ask him to dinner. Flirt with him. Tell him he looks nice. If you are not going to be able to do this, give up the ghost, because any half-measures will be like Lucy pulling the football away once more from Charlie Brown. Put another way, First, do no harm.
posted by Ironmouth at 7:59 AM on May 10, 2011
posted by Ironmouth at 7:59 AM on May 10, 2011
I think you're lucky to have found someone that sounds like at least kind and understanding friend. He has not completely written you off after you ignored him so thoroughly (ie. he still asks other friends about you)...sounds like he understands someone can be going through stuff or act less than perfect and still be worth knowing (or maybe even dating eventually). It sounds like he cares about you, no matter his romantic desires at this point. Best case scenario, he just thinks you don't want to date him, but still "likes" you and will respond favorably when you start behaving in a way that indicates you DO like him. Worst case scenario, he still likes you as a person but has taken your stand-offishness as a sign that dating you might be too much trouble (what if you suddenly starting acting cold again after he puts his heart on the line? Make sure you're not going to do this before pursuing more than friendship).
What you need to do: Just start talking to him again, keep things light and rebuild the friendship first. Invite him to gatherings and make sure you go to gatherings he will be attending. Smile at him across the room. Don't get caught up feeling sorry or ashamed, everyone acts stupid sometimes and they still are worthy of friendship...you don't have to go crawling back to him falling over yourself to apologize and explain your internal struggles. Still, early on in your reconciliation attempts, you should find an appropriately private moment, smile humbly and say "I'm sorry I've been less than friendly/distant/brushing you off, lately. It was wrong of me, and I hope we can still be friends/I miss talking to you. (on preview, just what amicamentis suggested.) Make time to talk and hang out one on one like you used to. Once you're back in this routine, you'll probably be able to tell if he's still into dating you, and even if you're unsure, just ask him to dinner or hanging out one on one at your place, or grab his hand while taking a walk, or just tell him you like him and see what happens.
posted by dahliachewswell at 8:41 AM on May 10, 2011
What you need to do: Just start talking to him again, keep things light and rebuild the friendship first. Invite him to gatherings and make sure you go to gatherings he will be attending. Smile at him across the room. Don't get caught up feeling sorry or ashamed, everyone acts stupid sometimes and they still are worthy of friendship...you don't have to go crawling back to him falling over yourself to apologize and explain your internal struggles. Still, early on in your reconciliation attempts, you should find an appropriately private moment, smile humbly and say "I'm sorry I've been less than friendly/distant/brushing you off, lately. It was wrong of me, and I hope we can still be friends/I miss talking to you. (on preview, just what amicamentis suggested.) Make time to talk and hang out one on one like you used to. Once you're back in this routine, you'll probably be able to tell if he's still into dating you, and even if you're unsure, just ask him to dinner or hanging out one on one at your place, or grab his hand while taking a walk, or just tell him you like him and see what happens.
posted by dahliachewswell at 8:41 AM on May 10, 2011
I vote honesty here. Honesty is the most important thing for friendships and relationship. You want at least one of these two things with him. It may not be easy for you to say, but the sooner you both know what is going on, the sooner you can make the smartest decision to see where things go from there.
The worst thing that could happen is that he could decided that he is mad at you and doesn't want to be friends anymore. If that is the case, then he probably wasn't an amazingly good friend/a great person to be in a relationship to begin with. So you can move on and look for someone better. Which is better then letting it bother you and worrying about being unable to tell him.
Honesty will undoubtedly bring you better results then quiet worrying
Also, the words "I miss you" are magic. Use them
posted by becomingly at 10:51 AM on May 10, 2011
The worst thing that could happen is that he could decided that he is mad at you and doesn't want to be friends anymore. If that is the case, then he probably wasn't an amazingly good friend/a great person to be in a relationship to begin with. So you can move on and look for someone better. Which is better then letting it bother you and worrying about being unable to tell him.
Honesty will undoubtedly bring you better results then quiet worrying
Also, the words "I miss you" are magic. Use them
posted by becomingly at 10:51 AM on May 10, 2011
Response by poster: So I met him for coffee today. This time, I actually had him go to the cafe with me so we could meet and chat (I'd usually just drop his coffee at his office so I would not have to stick around long). We talked about work and he asked me how school was going. He asked if I was going to our mutual friend's party and I told him I wasn't sure. He kept bringing it up, jokingly saying that if I went and he skipped out on it, it would look bad on him. Then he walked me to my car (which he has never done) and gave me a hug (which he has also never done). And he asked about going to lunch sometime this week.
Thank you to all of you for your understanding in all this...I really thought I was going to be scolded for being a cold, hard b%$@h. I'm hoping I didn't completely lose my chances. :)
posted by penguingrl at 12:33 PM on May 10, 2011 [1 favorite]
Thank you to all of you for your understanding in all this...I really thought I was going to be scolded for being a cold, hard b%$@h. I'm hoping I didn't completely lose my chances. :)
posted by penguingrl at 12:33 PM on May 10, 2011 [1 favorite]
Penguingrl, sweetie, that is wonderful! Three things:
1) Go to the goddamn party!
2) Find some place (a wonderful bookshop, a cool second hand store, a great pub) and invite the bloke to come check it out with you.
3) Enjoy this simultaneously exciting and nerve-wracking process!
posted by Alice Russel-Wallace at 2:42 PM on May 10, 2011
1) Go to the goddamn party!
2) Find some place (a wonderful bookshop, a cool second hand store, a great pub) and invite the bloke to come check it out with you.
3) Enjoy this simultaneously exciting and nerve-wracking process!
posted by Alice Russel-Wallace at 2:42 PM on May 10, 2011
Now just kiss the motherfucker already.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 5:37 AM on May 11, 2011
posted by Potomac Avenue at 5:37 AM on May 11, 2011
Response by poster: Lol, let's not get ahead of ourselves, Potomac Avenue! I can't go 0 to 60 in 2 days, I can't expect him to! :)
posted by penguingrl at 11:09 PM on May 11, 2011
posted by penguingrl at 11:09 PM on May 11, 2011
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posted by lewedswiver at 10:24 PM on May 9, 2011