Making love at midnight
May 7, 2011 10:01 PM   Subscribe

Please tell me your sex hacks?

So here's the thing. I have a lover. I'm fond of this one, who I've been with for nearly a year. I've only been with people in the short term for the most part, where hormones and excitement do all the work.

I don't feel like we're having enough sex - just once in the past few months ai yai, but plenty of affection and kissing, and our relationship outside of sex is doing well right now.

I haven't felt like sex. I'd like to feel like it. Please help!

Anecdotes, practical advice, and concepts are preferred to books.
posted by lover to Human Relations (15 answers total) 21 users marked this as a favorite

Get off the internet and go have sex!

Okay, not helpful. But honestly, you should talk with this person and be very frank. Like, "I know we haven't had sex in a long time, and that must be frustrating for you. I really want to have sex more, and I want us to be a lot more open in talking about what we want and when we want it, starting now."

Hopefully this conversation will end in sex.
posted by hermitosis at 10:08 PM on May 7, 2011 [4 favorites]

Does your partner feel like you are having enough sex? I.e. is it a mutual 'problem' or a one-way thing? And if you both don't feel like sex frequently, is it really a problem?

For what it's worth, I find that reading erotica, and deliberately having sexy fantasies even when I'm not turned on to start with quickly puts me in the mood.
posted by lollusc at 10:19 PM on May 7, 2011 [1 favorite]

Go dancing.
posted by vrakatar at 10:37 PM on May 7, 2011 [3 favorites]

Sit down with her, have a nice night, and in explicit detail, tell her what you like about her while touching the part in question. She's got a nice ass? Grab a handful. A smile that makes you want to pass out it's so beautiful? Touch her lips. Keep this going as long as you can, and then screw like teenagers in the back of Mom's minivan.

Hm. Bonus points if you actually do it in a minivan. Do you have a convenient park-with-a-view?
posted by Heretical at 10:49 PM on May 7, 2011 [1 favorite]

Part of getting to sex is getting the other person's mind in the right place. Try some very light kink as a warm up. Like maybe grapes. Grapes (warm to room temperature before using!) are pretty inoffensive little fruits. Asking your SO to hide a few around his/her person so you can nibble them off wouldn't freak most people, I think. It's a good, giggly time. Especially if the nibbler isn't allowed to use their hands.
posted by Ys at 11:06 PM on May 7, 2011

Hello, I'm you! When we leave having sex up to when I feel like having sex, my partner and I have sex sometimes a couple times a week...but more often, we have it every couple months.

Before I say anything else, I want to point out that for most people, the amount of sex in a relationship is inversely proportionate to the length of said relationship--more time together = less sex. It doesn't necessarily drop off to the extent that you and I have experienced, but it's not as much as it was when you got together. This a normal part of a maturing relationship. I'm just mentioning this because it sounds like maybe you've not made it to this point in a relationship before, so it's worth keeping in mind that even when you're wanting to have sex, you're probably never going to want to have as much sex as you did in the first few months of your relationship.

In my experience, not having sex becomes a vicious cycle. You don't have sex one week, and you think okay, next week. And then next week, maybe you don't feel great or they're out of town or whatever. And then all of a sudden, it's been a month. Or two months. And it starts to seem like a Really Big Deal. And you start getting nervous about it, and wondering what your partner's thinking, and wondering if you're normal, and the anxiety surrounding this makes you even less likely to want to have sex. Rinse and repeat, adding additional shampoo and working into a thick lather.

So the first part of my advice is to try not falling into this. If you're having any anxiety about having sex, remind yourself that your partner cares for you, that they will be pleased to be having sex with you, and that if it becomes overwhelming or whatever, you can stop and go bake cookies or something.

The second part of my advice is to look at why you're not feeling like sex. Are you stressed out at work? Are you unhappy about other things? Are you on antidepressants, birth control, or other medication that could be inhibiting your sex drive? Are you getting enough sleep? If none of those things are true, you might want to consider seeing a physician--there can be physiological causes for low libido, including thyroid disorder, pituitary problems, and a bunch of other things that I can't recall off the top of my head.

If any of those things are true, work on correcting that--if this is important to you, it's worth at least discussing the possibility of changing medication, etc. Stress at work probably can't be fixed, exactly, but you can practice letting go of it, and work at not bringing it home with you.

The third part of my advice is the direct answer to your question: how do you feel like having sex again.

The easiest--though most stressful--way of this that I've found is to just do it. Which sounds horrible, but there's a reason that people are told to fake it 'til they make it, and--well, that's why. Because sometimes, the act of doing something that you were previously indifferent to doing makes you want to do it. This is not a surefire thing, but it might be worth trying, especially if you like the idea of sex, even though you're not particularly interested in having it.

If that's too much, you could try servicing--god, I hate that word--your partner, assuming that they're interested. Tell them flat-out that you're not interested in being on the receiving end of things, but you'd like to give them oral or whatever. (This assumes that you are, in fact, down with doing this--don't offer if the idea fills you with dread.)

Try carving out time for not-sex. Part of the fun of having sex, for many people, is the touching, rubbing each other, pressing your bodies against each other. Do this. Get in bed--or don't, whatever--and take off your clothes, and then be intimate with each other in a nonsexual way. Stroke each other's backs and legs; spoon each other; kiss... This might lead to sex, but even if it doesn't, it'll deepen the physical connection between the two of you, which is, in my opinion, really important--even more so when you're not having sex.

Read sexy books and watch sexy movies, both together and separately. Have your partner read to you while you bathe, or vice versa. Watch movies together--not necessarily porn, but whatever works for you. (For me, it's attractive people being really, really competent, often whilst killing people and/or blowing things up. So, you know, whatever works for you.)

Do sensual things together. Go take a dance class, or go to a club. Go bungee jumping or out to do karaoke--sometimes that faint adrenaline buzz of "oh god, what am I doing?" is a decent transition into physical intimacy.

Good luck. Feel free to MeMail me if you'd like to talk more.
posted by MeghanC at 11:38 PM on May 7, 2011 [24 favorites]

Are you a man or a woman etc, and is your partner a man or a woman etc. Sorry, but most advice is just not gender neutral
posted by Not Supplied at 12:07 AM on May 8, 2011 [4 favorites]

hermitosis's first sentence has a point.

I have heard it said: Put the canoe in the water, and people will start paddling.
posted by megatherium at 4:48 AM on May 8, 2011 [1 favorite]

There have been some similar previous questions; this one in particular might be worth looking at.

And, I think that you have to look a bit at why you aren't having sex. Is it being caused by work stress, relationship problems, kids, or something else outside of the bedroom? If so, the real solution is probably also outside of the bedroom.

But conversely, I totally agree with hermitosis: stop typing, and start humping. At the end of the day, you do it by doing it. Sometimes the desire comes first, and sometimes the action leads the way. One of the lessons of a long relationship is that there are many kinds of good sex -- the romance novel-style kind, where you have been getting turned on all day and it's all mindblowingly good, is great, but there are plenty of other good ways to have sex. Quickies, sex in your sleep, drunken fumbles, and all other kinds of naked play are all good ways to nurture the relationship and go to sleep happy.
posted by Forktine at 5:22 AM on May 8, 2011

Just do it, whether you're "in the mood" or not -- once you get going, you'll usually end up having fun. Sex is like pizza: when it's good it's great, and when it's bad it's still pretty good.
posted by Jacqueline at 6:04 AM on May 8, 2011 [2 favorites]

if you end up spending a lot of time being affectionate but not sexy except when having sex, maybe make a point to have more extra-smoochy and extra-sexy hanging out and making out.
posted by rmd1023 at 6:15 AM on May 8, 2011

Massage. Even if you're not in the mood for sex you can lovingly give your partner a massage. By the end of the massage you're probably both going to be in the mood. There are many good instructional videos on YouTube. I like this set of video tutorials: Unlike some other videos, this massage therapist gives lots of instruction and helpful tips. I feel I can give a decent massage after watching these vids. I think my husband would agree.
posted by Fairchild at 6:16 AM on May 8, 2011 [5 favorites]

Spend time alone together, being concerned with each other. That's what leads to sweet sex in an established, long-term relationship. Don't go to the movies. Don't go out at all. Turn the damned TV off. Cook a meal at home - together - and make the evening all about sharing that meal, and talking, and telling each other things. Talk about what you like about her/him. Say nice things. Get close on the sofa. Put your favourite music on. Crack a bottle of something good. Don't watch the clock or think about tomorrow. Just talk, and make the time all about you. Lean over and kiss her/him occasionally. Don't make it a big "I'm kissing you because I think we should have sex" deal, just do it because it's nice, and in keeping with the mood. Be relaxed. Say something sweet and erotic, but with no expectations. Say and think things that make you remember why this lovely person is even your partner in the first place. Things that make you remember that... hell, they're pretty fucking hot.

Before you know it, going to bed will seem like a hell of a good idea.
posted by Decani at 2:56 PM on May 8, 2011 [3 favorites]

I say don't overthink it. Have a drink or two, and go have sex. Just do it. IT doesn't have to be awesome or mindblowing. You know, it's like a phone call when one of you is out of town--sometimes you just need to check in to bridge the distance a bit. And you'll feel better afterward.
posted by thinkingwoman at 5:11 PM on May 9, 2011

second that^


always works for me!
posted by custard heart at 6:58 PM on June 2, 2011

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