I feel lost, can anyone help?
May 2, 2011 4:13 AM   Subscribe

i live with my parents and feel lost, can anyone help?

Where to start?

I think I could go into an extended explanation a later date but I'll just try and give the basics.

*I've lived at home all my life (I'm 25 :( )
*recently got 'dumped' after 2 year relationship
*Got a 'safe' but boring administration job here

So basically I am directionless, I don't know what I what from life. Been to Uni, quit multiple times, worked menial admin jobs for the past few years of life. Live at home, not many friends here. I've been overseas by myself before hoping for some aha moment, but that didn't come.

So now I'm thinking of possibly moving city. I really want to get out and be put in new/maybe challenging situations, where I can grow as a person. I feel I have become stagnant, and life is passing by quickly. I feel like I've relied somewhat emotionally on my parents and something inside me needs to grow up as a human being.

But I have so many doubts about moving city and even where to begin with this. I've met a girl I think I'm keen on in another city but know this is no foundation for moving there, especially after just getting out of a long relationship.

I've read alot of posts and know so many others feel like I do, like they are trapped, their life is motionless and making the slightest decision brings on stress. (well I feel like this anyway)

I just think life in this town I'm in hasn't got me anywhere, so maybe I'll find some peace and possibly have fun somewhere else. But I don't know if that is running away from things, but surely running away from things is better than sitting in your room alone night after night? I don't know. I want friends, I want to have a life pretty much. I want to be loved and adored by someone. I have never really sought to be happy through work/study but maybe this is an avenue I should pursue. I have a burning passion I can feel inside me which is not being used.

I can see so clearly how my happiness has depended on everything around me in the past, and want to find some way to love myself.

So I guess I'm writing this maybe for more of a cathartic experience and also seeking answers. It seems I am always seeking answers externally but don't know how to tap in to my inner desires. Anyway I hope some of you may help.

Has anyone else had a good experience moving city - where they grew up and found out about themselves, met their dream girl, made friends etc.??

Maybe none of this is about moving city. I don't know, I just hate simmering here night after night thinking of the better life I know that I can be living.
posted by quiero ser feliz to Human Relations (12 answers total) 11 users marked this as a favorite
I've moved cities - and countries - several times. The hardest thing is making the decision to move, after that all the details sort themselves out. I'm sure your parents love you but at 25 it's time to make your own life. Move cities, get a job, chat up girls and, if you can, study for a professional qualification in something which will earn you a good living - there's no such thing as a poor plumber or unemployed electrician. You have youth and the desire to improve yourself on your side, what else do you need? You'll feel a lot better when you start taking action and stop moping. If you want a good life though you have to work at it, you can't expect all the benefits of commitment and work if you give up on everything after ten minutes. Moving out of your parents house means you have to grow up in every way.
posted by joannemullen at 4:47 AM on May 2, 2011 [1 favorite]

By all means, move out of your parents' house. If you must catastrophize, the worst thing that could happen is that you find yourself in a new city after a year, no happier than you are now, and you need to borrow plane fare home. Is that so bad? Isn't it worth an adventure seeking something marginally better?

I've moved countries and coasts of my own volition. It's hard - but harder to a much-younger me was letting go of the concept of an "aha moment." The clouds are not going to part with a ray of golden sunshine full of promise and meaning for your life if you move cities. There will be no angel chorus informing you what your "burning passion" is in three part harmony as you survey your new horizon. This doesn't happen while studying for a semester overseas and it doesn't happen when you finally decide to move away from where you are now.

Move cities. You are gonna figure this thing out over time by putting one foot in front of another. You are gonna learn where the best place is in your new neighborhood to get the paper / coffee / sandwich. You are gonna eventually figure out which way to walk once you emerge from the subway underground. You are gonna eventually recognize familiar faces in your unfamiliar world, and some of those faces will start regularly greeting you back if you say "good morning" or "what a sweet dog." You'll notice differences in your neighborhood and find satisfaction in that, or find yourself determined to find out just who you have to call so that you can change the course.

Make the move but know that discovering your true life can be an incremental process too small to see with the naked eye. I love the line from Antonio Machado's poem: "Wanderer, there is no road, the road is made by walking." Get out there.
posted by sestaaak at 5:05 AM on May 2, 2011 [8 favorites]

Carpe Diem.

What is the worst that can happen? You move to a new city - it doesn't work out, you return to live with your parents.

One thing for sure, if you do not take a risk and try something new - then you will be the same unhappy person in a year from now.

I moved cities a few times in my life. It was always an opportunity to re-invent myself completely. Every time I did it, I feel like it made a stronger and smarter person. (It takes strength to pick and move you life).

Though, admittedly, not every move made me happier. A few times, I ran into the old axiom: Wherever you go, there you are. If you are your own worst problem, you can't move away from yourself.

But sometimes, the only way to identify what the real issue is - is to move.
Do it. Take a risk.
posted by Flood at 5:12 AM on May 2, 2011 [3 favorites]

I am beginning to suspect that the inability to make decisions is a key indicator of mental illhealth. When I'm stressed and something goes wrong, OMG, what to do, I can't handle this, what if I make a mistake, what if I don't like my decision, OMG, omg.

When I am well, and the opportunity to make a decision arises, bring it on! I can handle this, of course, I can! I've handled everything in my life to date, right? Including the times when I brought in extra help/advice because that was what was warranted. Really, nothing yet has totally discomboobulated me, and why should it - I'm a competent adult. I can do this. Now what are all my exciting options? So many wonderful things to pick from but i have no doubt of my ability to choose the one that interests me most - and if I don't - well, there's a learning experience, and I'll probably still have fun anyway. And then I can do the things I didn't pick the first time. Awesome. It's win-win.

Move for sure, become independent. Living away from my mother was one of the best things that ever happened to me, and I never went back. Being independent now of my ex is also a really joyful thing. It doesn't really matter what city you move to. I suspect though, that you're right, the internet girl is no guarantee. Make sure you like the city for itself, not her.

OH and you can't run away. You always take your problems with you. But you need to find that out for real, for yourself. Do the move, enjoy the stimulus of new events, start making new plans, new goals, just do. You're a third of yr way through your three score and ten, dude. Time to make this experience really count!
posted by b33j at 5:26 AM on May 2, 2011 [1 favorite]

The world is a confusing place so it is appropriate to feel confused. The clarity you seek is just an escape, though an understandable and often sought one. What ever you choose to do, try and remember there is nothing wrong with you.
posted by Obscure Reference at 5:28 AM on May 2, 2011

You have a job and can support yourself, so why not try moving out of your parents' house? Is there anything wrong with the city you're in? If it's just about needing a change, that would be a change.

If you need somewhere new, yeah, find a new city and move there. But I'd probably start by moving out, give it some time, and see if that helps. Also, getting dumped sucks, and nothing really fixes that beyond the time and experiences needed to get over it... but if that's a huge contributing factor, well, packing up and moving cities every time you get your heart broken might not be a sustainable plan.
posted by J. Wilson at 6:18 AM on May 2, 2011

I think life is about making discoveries and venturing out of your comfort zones. Right now you can probably predict how most of your daily live happens, right? Why not pick up something you've always been interested in but for whatever reason haven't? For me it was photography. For you it could be cooking, crafting, whatever. You won't know until you try.

Take advantage of living with your parents. You don't pay as much rent (if any) and should be able to save up some money. You are not in a relationship and guess what? That makes planning stuff much, much easier (and cheaper, again, able to save money).

I was pretty much in the same situation two years ago, or rather, I realized that I was in that situation - I still am but I look at it very differently now. I can afford to live by myself but chose not to, to save a bit of money (I pay my share of rent/mortgage) and I will be quitting my job in a few months to travel around the world, with my own money.

So here's my advice to you. Be the best you can be at your job, for you, not for anyone else. Pick up a new hobby that's you've always been interested, regardless of how difficult it is. Have a long term goal and work toward that, steadily and practically. Save money (it isn't everything but it makes everything easier).

Live the life you want, or prepare for it.
posted by jstarlee at 7:08 AM on May 2, 2011 [1 favorite]

I know when you're 25, it feels like the end of days. After all, in about 5 years you'll be OMG, THIRTY *death* But really, you're YOUNG. Yes, still young. I'm 26, also, still young.

Don't worry about getting into any relationship right now. I think your main focus should be on what you want to do in life. Some people call this a 'career' but really, it should be anything you enjoy doing. Your 'boring' administration job is probably eating at you more than you know because you spent so much time there and life just feels like its wasting away.

Now, I'm not saying to quit your job and become an astronaut, but you should try new things, find new interests. I'm kind of in that spot right now too... trying to find myself. For a good part of my life, I let others define me. My boyfriends, my family... but now I really want to be who I want to be.

For me, that means buying a car that I love that I can work on. Going dancing every weekend. Taking up rock climbing and dancing in a studio.

Just be honest with yourself. You can fake it with everyone else. You can probably fake it to yourself even, but don't do that. Deep down inside you always know if you're lying to yourself. Just be honest.
posted by p1nkdaisy at 7:59 AM on May 2, 2011

Start doing things of which you know that they make you proud of yourself. Small things, achievements, whatever.
Then you still have to deal with the resulting pride, and with the issue of comparing yourself to other people who do the same things, but better - but once you've done the things, whatever they are, then you have something to build on.
Whether or not you live with your parents is in itself irrelevant - they may just be great people, for all I know - but if this makes you ashamed, and moving out, or moving cities, would make you proud - then go for the pride.
posted by labberdasher at 1:56 PM on May 2, 2011

Regret what you do, not what you don't do. It would be great if we didn't have regrets, but regrets show you tried.

I was in a similar place in my late 20s. I moved out of my mum's home and, eventually, moved from Texas to Seattle. I'd be dead today if I hadn't done that.
posted by deborah at 11:36 PM on May 2, 2011

Thank you all so much for your in depth and honest responses. I knew signing up to this site would be a good idea!

I have come to the conclusion I think that I need to move city, not just move out of home in the same city. I need different around me in every way. Surely that is what life is about - new experiences, people - learning, not just sitting at home being comfortable on a nice wage but a crap job.

I'm scared to death of doing this, but know I have to take the first footstep. I'm thinking I'll just take whatever job comes up to give me something to move up there for. Though I'm not sure if this is a great idea, I think that I could wait to find a great job but I could be waiting a long time. I don't feel like I can stay here much longer though it is literally crushing me in every way. Anyone have any thoughts on this - is taking a crappy job a BAD idea??? I just want my job to be a vehicle for me to move up there now and start a new life.
(Oh and I have tried to be happy here - I've had 25 years to do that, and it's not worked, so that's why I think moving somewhere else is a better option. I know I'll take all my baggage with me, it'll be there like the scars I've got. But everyone has baggage right?? At some point or other you have to look forward?)

It's not just the breakup that has forced this change of mind. It has totally made me look at how I am living and what I can do to invite some happiness.

Has anyone else out there felt like this, that there heart can no longer take being in the same place. I guess it could be called having a heavy heart. I feel like I'm on the verge of a lot of unhappiness if I stay here. 25 years is enough.

Oh and the girl in the other city is not an internet girl, she's real and I've met her twice, but won't be moving up there for her. Well maybe I am a little bit - but if it doesn't I'm not going to beat myself up too much about it. I do enough of that already. I'm hoping there are other nice girls out there and I know that there are. You just have to pick yourself up and try again I guess.

I want to make something positive out of being dumped and use this opportunity for me to grow as a person.

8 people have favorited my article (is this good?) I don't know. THANK YOU ALL and keep the responses coming, I saw I had alot the first day but none thereafter - so am wondering if the posts get unnoticed after a day or so??
posted by quiero ser feliz at 4:08 AM on May 3, 2011

I recently moved cities, OP, and it has been an interesting experience. I didn't take a 'crappy' job by any means. By many definitions, my job is a pretty decent one with opportunities for growth. It doesn't, however, really utilize my skills. Maybe I have some kind of entitlement complex, but I'm not very happy. My point is I would strongly consider whether you want to take any old job just to escape. Because that's really what it sounds like you're doing.

Moving to a new city adds a lot of stress to life. Different people handle it different ways. As someone who has never lived on your own, I would think long and hard about how the transition will go for you. Have you ever had to find your own housing, pay your own bills, find your way around unfamiliar surroundings completely alone, buy your own groceries, cook your own meals, do all your own cleaning and laundry? Depending on how you react, knowing absolutely nobody in a new location can be very isolating. Also, I wouldn't really count on instantly starting a relationship with this girl you speak of. Unless you two have some type of foundation, my guess is you won't really be in a position of mental strength to establish a relationship with her right away. Be careful not to cling to her as the only person you know.

Without really knowing your personality, it's hard to give advice. You need to think about whether you're the type of person that thrives being out of your comfort zone or whether it becomes more of a hindrance. Regardless, you can make it work. You just have to be proactive and keep moving forward.
posted by Amistad at 3:32 AM on May 4, 2011

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