Hold out for it all in relationships?
April 24, 2011 5:56 PM Subscribe
As a single Mom at 36, is it foolish to believe I can "have it all" regarding relationships?
I just ended a 4 month relationship with someone I had intense sexual chemistry with, but little else. I actually thought I was in love with him very early on because the physical attraction was something I hadn't really felt since high school. However, reality set in, and I realized he did not possess the qualities I need to even consider being with him for the long term.
My daughter's father, with whom I have had an on again off again relationship with for almost 8 years, (we have not been together now for almost two years) does have all the qualities my most recent ex lacked. We share the same morals and values, come from similar backgrounds and families, have the same political and religious views, etc. He is a kind person, everyone likes him. He is the best friend I have ever had and I trust him completely. There is no doubt in my mind he is just a good person down to his core. BUT, I never felt in love with him. I love him, but while he is a good kisser and sex wasn't bad, I did not feel any of the feelings I felt in my last relationship. I never found him that attractive, never wanted to rush home and tear his clothes off. Each time we'd break up, I miss him because I do love him, but any small amount of attraction would fade and I just couldn't fake it anymore.
Now after experiencing what a just physical relationship is like, I'm obviously missing the security I had with a calmer,more secure person. I'm starting to believe I have always just expected too much from him. He is such a good man and father, and I care about him more than any other man I've ever been with. I am not trying to get him back as we both agree we can not try again right now,because the same thing happens whenever we do. It breaks my heart that it just doesn't seem to work with us and I cannot fully move on from him.
I know there are people who think everyone should have both the physical chemistry and emotional comfort in a relationship. But, as you get older, how realistic is this? I also know some people think I'm too picky. I had a coworker say "just get back together with your daughter's father and be half-happy like the rest of us!"
I guess what I'm asking is, at this age, is it foolish to hold out for everything? Do we both deserve that, or do most people just decide what matters the most in life and try to overlook what is missing but in the grand scheme of things, not the worst thing in the world?
I just ended a 4 month relationship with someone I had intense sexual chemistry with, but little else. I actually thought I was in love with him very early on because the physical attraction was something I hadn't really felt since high school. However, reality set in, and I realized he did not possess the qualities I need to even consider being with him for the long term.
My daughter's father, with whom I have had an on again off again relationship with for almost 8 years, (we have not been together now for almost two years) does have all the qualities my most recent ex lacked. We share the same morals and values, come from similar backgrounds and families, have the same political and religious views, etc. He is a kind person, everyone likes him. He is the best friend I have ever had and I trust him completely. There is no doubt in my mind he is just a good person down to his core. BUT, I never felt in love with him. I love him, but while he is a good kisser and sex wasn't bad, I did not feel any of the feelings I felt in my last relationship. I never found him that attractive, never wanted to rush home and tear his clothes off. Each time we'd break up, I miss him because I do love him, but any small amount of attraction would fade and I just couldn't fake it anymore.
Now after experiencing what a just physical relationship is like, I'm obviously missing the security I had with a calmer,more secure person. I'm starting to believe I have always just expected too much from him. He is such a good man and father, and I care about him more than any other man I've ever been with. I am not trying to get him back as we both agree we can not try again right now,because the same thing happens whenever we do. It breaks my heart that it just doesn't seem to work with us and I cannot fully move on from him.
I know there are people who think everyone should have both the physical chemistry and emotional comfort in a relationship. But, as you get older, how realistic is this? I also know some people think I'm too picky. I had a coworker say "just get back together with your daughter's father and be half-happy like the rest of us!"
I guess what I'm asking is, at this age, is it foolish to hold out for everything? Do we both deserve that, or do most people just decide what matters the most in life and try to overlook what is missing but in the grand scheme of things, not the worst thing in the world?
It depends what your 'everything' is. I think it's definitely possible to find someone sexually compatible who is kind and trustworthy and a good stepfather. But the longer your list the less likely you are to find someone who ticks every box. To then expect them to have the same background, the same religious and political beliefs, hate meat, love your football team, have similar career goals... Well you get the idea. You have to work out what you are prepared to compromise on and what's essential in a partner.
And here's a hint, I've had boyfriends who I've had very similar backgrounds, religious views etc and had it not work out. My husband and I on the other hand have quite different viewpoints in politics, we have different careers and backgrounds etc and you know what, it keeps life interesting. Though our values are the same the way we approach things are not, and as a result we learn and grow from each other and being exposed to another way of thinking.
Having similar goals and values, being prepared to compromise and communicating well will take you a long way. Sexual compatability is pretty crucial too. The rest you work out as you go along.
posted by Jubey at 6:17 PM on April 24, 2011
And here's a hint, I've had boyfriends who I've had very similar backgrounds, religious views etc and had it not work out. My husband and I on the other hand have quite different viewpoints in politics, we have different careers and backgrounds etc and you know what, it keeps life interesting. Though our values are the same the way we approach things are not, and as a result we learn and grow from each other and being exposed to another way of thinking.
Having similar goals and values, being prepared to compromise and communicating well will take you a long way. Sexual compatability is pretty crucial too. The rest you work out as you go along.
posted by Jubey at 6:17 PM on April 24, 2011
If you find yourself at the point of having to fake even small amounts of attraction to the father of your daughter, then it's best for both of you that you don't try to keep your romantic relationship with him alive. Since you love him and want what's best for him, think of it this way: by "settling" for him, you'd also be denying him the chance of ever "having it all," since you'll both feel the lack of enthusiasm in your physical relationship in time.
You've been with him on and off for so long. Have you tried to date many other people in the interim? How do you know that it's impossible to have both physical chemistry and emotional comfort if you haven't looked around much and/or your mind keeps going back to your comfortable option? You're not "too old" for that at all. Continue to value him as a person and as a father to your child, but don't stop seeking something closer to your right fit. Even if the someone closer's not a perfect fit.
posted by houndsoflove at 6:31 PM on April 24, 2011 [1 favorite]
You've been with him on and off for so long. Have you tried to date many other people in the interim? How do you know that it's impossible to have both physical chemistry and emotional comfort if you haven't looked around much and/or your mind keeps going back to your comfortable option? You're not "too old" for that at all. Continue to value him as a person and as a father to your child, but don't stop seeking something closer to your right fit. Even if the someone closer's not a perfect fit.
posted by houndsoflove at 6:31 PM on April 24, 2011 [1 favorite]
Have you considered consensual non-monogamy (some people also refer to it as polyamory)? Sounds like you have potential for a great (continued) relationship with your child's father, save for the sex. Could you have more than one partner, so that you could also meet your sexual needs? Some good basic reading: Opening Up by Tristan Taormino and The Ethical Slut by Janet Hardy & Dossie Easton.
posted by Betty's Table at 7:19 PM on April 24, 2011 [4 favorites]
posted by Betty's Table at 7:19 PM on April 24, 2011 [4 favorites]
If you didn't have a daughter I'd tell you to keep playing the field as long as you'd like, holding out for prince charming. Given the fact that you have a daughter with someone who is so great in so many ways, I'd suggest it's time to settle down and make a commitment to a life-long working partnership. It sounds like the father of your daughter would make a very good partner and is someone you genuinely care about, to boot.
posted by alms at 7:35 PM on April 24, 2011
posted by alms at 7:35 PM on April 24, 2011
I am the thirty-six year old single mother of a young daughter, and (especially looking through your previous Q&A) I gotta say: why not just embrace celibacy for a bit? All this focus on relationships, instability with Dad... Who needs it, who wants it? Relax and focus on enjoying your daughter, as she will not be young for very much longer. You don't need a dude for every single year of your life, I promise, and you already have a best friend in one anyway. I hope your next questions will be about higher-quality sex toys, and ways to host dinner parties when it is just you and your small child doing the hosting. There are a lot of nice things to be said about being thirty-six, not partnered, and living with a young girl; I hope you can find them, and through that stop worrying about the relationship bit.
posted by kmennie at 8:20 PM on April 24, 2011 [11 favorites]
posted by kmennie at 8:20 PM on April 24, 2011 [11 favorites]
I don't want to be a downer, but, no, you can't have it all. To echo others upthread, anyone you meet will have his own issues, his own history. He will be another person, not your idealized caregiver.
Your best hope (everyone's best hope, IMHO) is to meet someone who grow together with you, not someone perfect right-out-the-box. Life is a journey, dear, not a prize to be won.
posted by SPrintF at 9:34 PM on April 24, 2011 [11 favorites]
Your best hope (everyone's best hope, IMHO) is to meet someone who grow together with you, not someone perfect right-out-the-box. Life is a journey, dear, not a prize to be won.
posted by SPrintF at 9:34 PM on April 24, 2011 [11 favorites]
I think you can get both... but the story of liking one guy as a great companion and child-rearer but being physically attracted to a guy who isn't, is enough of a cliche (including biologically) that maybe it warrants the boilerplate notice:
It'll be easier have the best of both worlds if you're genuinely attracted to substance. To use another cliche, if it's the Bad Boys that get your motor running, then you'd currently be looking for a badboy who isn't a badboy, which is going to be... difficult. (And no doubt many of those are out there, but you'll have a lot of competition for them, and have to bark up a lot of wrong trees).
So my only advice is (if you're not doing it already) to think a little bit about what things you find attractive, and why, and just check there aren't any warning bells associated with any of those things, and if there are, think about your options for compromise, or finding outliers, or other ways to get what you want without what you don't.
If you know you want a XYZ guy who isn't really XZY, then you're ore equipped to find that than if you just know you like XYZs.
It might also be interesting to check whether the local male-to-female ratio is in your favour (small differences across society get distilled into large differences in the singles scene), and learning why it's the way that it is. (Ie what major industries are or aren't nearby that attract the kind of guy that you find attractive?) Again, it's not really a great help, but its more context that goes beyond the purely anecdotal picture you can piece together by dating.
posted by -harlequin- at 9:39 PM on April 24, 2011 [3 favorites]
It'll be easier have the best of both worlds if you're genuinely attracted to substance. To use another cliche, if it's the Bad Boys that get your motor running, then you'd currently be looking for a badboy who isn't a badboy, which is going to be... difficult. (And no doubt many of those are out there, but you'll have a lot of competition for them, and have to bark up a lot of wrong trees).
So my only advice is (if you're not doing it already) to think a little bit about what things you find attractive, and why, and just check there aren't any warning bells associated with any of those things, and if there are, think about your options for compromise, or finding outliers, or other ways to get what you want without what you don't.
If you know you want a XYZ guy who isn't really XZY, then you're ore equipped to find that than if you just know you like XYZs.
It might also be interesting to check whether the local male-to-female ratio is in your favour (small differences across society get distilled into large differences in the singles scene), and learning why it's the way that it is. (Ie what major industries are or aren't nearby that attract the kind of guy that you find attractive?) Again, it's not really a great help, but its more context that goes beyond the purely anecdotal picture you can piece together by dating.
posted by -harlequin- at 9:39 PM on April 24, 2011 [3 favorites]
Just to provide a slightly different perspective on your question, my parents got divorced when my mother was 34, and I was 6. She played the dating scene throughout my childhood, and it was really hard on me.
It took up a lot of her free time (which was extremely limited anyway, because she was working full-time and attending night school to get her MBA). When it went well, she dragged me out to meet the dude over dinner, which was always an excruciating experience. Most of these guys, I never saw again.
When it went poorly she became emotionally fragile and cried a lot and locked herself in her room and spent hours on the phone with her friends and yelled at me for no apparent reason.
Once it went particularly well, and we moved into his house, which was a huge adjustment for me. A year later it went badly and we had to move out. That was a pretty confusing and alienating experience for a kid to have to go through.
It made me feel like I was being shunted aside. Which isn't surprising, because that is literally what was happening. Ain't that a thing?
posted by ErikaB at 9:44 PM on April 24, 2011 [9 favorites]
It took up a lot of her free time (which was extremely limited anyway, because she was working full-time and attending night school to get her MBA). When it went well, she dragged me out to meet the dude over dinner, which was always an excruciating experience. Most of these guys, I never saw again.
When it went poorly she became emotionally fragile and cried a lot and locked herself in her room and spent hours on the phone with her friends and yelled at me for no apparent reason.
Once it went particularly well, and we moved into his house, which was a huge adjustment for me. A year later it went badly and we had to move out. That was a pretty confusing and alienating experience for a kid to have to go through.
It made me feel like I was being shunted aside. Which isn't surprising, because that is literally what was happening. Ain't that a thing?
posted by ErikaB at 9:44 PM on April 24, 2011 [9 favorites]
You can have it all - it simply depends on what is important to you.
As someone who has trod the road of hopeful relationships, I can say without hesitation that it's important to know what your "deal-makers" are as well as your "deal-breakers".
The tricky part is that those will change over time. What you considered one at age 25 may have become the other at age 40.
Short answer: Know yourself and choose based on that. Simple? Nope, but it CAN happen!
posted by sundrop at 4:37 AM on April 25, 2011
As someone who has trod the road of hopeful relationships, I can say without hesitation that it's important to know what your "deal-makers" are as well as your "deal-breakers".
The tricky part is that those will change over time. What you considered one at age 25 may have become the other at age 40.
Short answer: Know yourself and choose based on that. Simple? Nope, but it CAN happen!
posted by sundrop at 4:37 AM on April 25, 2011
Response by poster: Thank you for the responses. I just wanted to say, since my child IS the most important part of my life, I do not date much, and I am not looking to go out dating much. I work full time and only have 2-3 nights with her a week; it is on those nights I would date. However, I also use that time to run errands, study, clean, exercise and see my girlfriends...which is basically another reason my last relationship didn't go well; it bothered me he didn't respect that my daughter comes first, me second.I don't have time to put a relationship on my list of top priorities, and at this point, nor do i want to. I guess my questions do come across as some insecure woman desperate for a man but anyone who knows me sees that isn't the case, and is probably more worried I don't take enough time to focus on a relationship for myself.
I am just confused and still heartbroken over the fact that it didn't work with her Dad, which as much as I continue to blame myself, he has admitted playing a role in that too. And I honestly do not expect perfection....I want perfection for me. Having "it all" to me just means making me laugh, being an honest to the core good person, and someone I want to go to bed with at night.and physical and sexual attraction are two separate things for me.. I'm not looking for a model.
I do not mean to sound defensive, but my daughter does and always will come first, so I just wanted to clear up any assumption I'm always out dating around. I'm just sad I might have not seen something or felt something with her Dad that I should have because I don't know what real love should be like.
posted by aprilc34 at 4:42 AM on April 25, 2011
I am just confused and still heartbroken over the fact that it didn't work with her Dad, which as much as I continue to blame myself, he has admitted playing a role in that too. And I honestly do not expect perfection....I want perfection for me. Having "it all" to me just means making me laugh, being an honest to the core good person, and someone I want to go to bed with at night.and physical and sexual attraction are two separate things for me.. I'm not looking for a model.
I do not mean to sound defensive, but my daughter does and always will come first, so I just wanted to clear up any assumption I'm always out dating around. I'm just sad I might have not seen something or felt something with her Dad that I should have because I don't know what real love should be like.
posted by aprilc34 at 4:42 AM on April 25, 2011
And I honestly do not expect perfection....I want perfection for me.
I think I get what you're trying to express here, but this line of thinking can doom a lot of relationships. The word perfection is a terribly loaded term, and any real relationship is going to have good times, bad times, and absolutely brutal times. Expecting perfection, even just your own brand of perfection is unreasonable. Your partner is an individual, with their own bumps and warts both physical and psychological.
There is so much great advice upthread about really sitting down and deciding what things are important to you in a relationship, enumerate those qualities and then find them.
It's tough to say since you really seem to be talking about your daughter's father as your almost perfect ideal, but that may just be because he's the one who things have worked with best. Think about what you really want, not what you've already had and thought was pretty good. Your daughter comes first, so obviously that's critical, you want a satisfying sex life, so that's a big deal, but there are plenty of men out there who will fit those criteria. Try to find them, then deal with those people as individuals, not as shadows of your daughter's father who don't have the right politics or espouse the right faith.
posted by dnesan at 7:50 AM on April 25, 2011 [1 favorite]
I think I get what you're trying to express here, but this line of thinking can doom a lot of relationships. The word perfection is a terribly loaded term, and any real relationship is going to have good times, bad times, and absolutely brutal times. Expecting perfection, even just your own brand of perfection is unreasonable. Your partner is an individual, with their own bumps and warts both physical and psychological.
There is so much great advice upthread about really sitting down and deciding what things are important to you in a relationship, enumerate those qualities and then find them.
It's tough to say since you really seem to be talking about your daughter's father as your almost perfect ideal, but that may just be because he's the one who things have worked with best. Think about what you really want, not what you've already had and thought was pretty good. Your daughter comes first, so obviously that's critical, you want a satisfying sex life, so that's a big deal, but there are plenty of men out there who will fit those criteria. Try to find them, then deal with those people as individuals, not as shadows of your daughter's father who don't have the right politics or espouse the right faith.
posted by dnesan at 7:50 AM on April 25, 2011 [1 favorite]
As a single Mom at 36, is it foolish to believe I can "have it all" regarding relationships?
The short answer is "Yes, it is foolish". No one is perfect and no person will meet all of your needs. You should work on identifying what your deal breakers are, with respect to your needs, and go from there.
Also, you should keep in mind that physical attraction almost always fades or cools down the longer the relationship goes. This happens in every relationship.
"Real love" feels different for different people. You have to figure out what it means for you.
posted by PsuDab93 at 7:59 AM on April 25, 2011 [2 favorites]
The short answer is "Yes, it is foolish". No one is perfect and no person will meet all of your needs. You should work on identifying what your deal breakers are, with respect to your needs, and go from there.
Also, you should keep in mind that physical attraction almost always fades or cools down the longer the relationship goes. This happens in every relationship.
"Real love" feels different for different people. You have to figure out what it means for you.
posted by PsuDab93 at 7:59 AM on April 25, 2011 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: I'm not that great at articulating my thoughts, I'm sorry. Honestly, in no way am I expecting "perfection". Ideally, I would like to be with someone who I just really love...the good, the bad and all of it! Yes, in some ways, my daughters father is an ideal partner, especially on paper. But in real life, because I did not feel in love with him, it was hard to see how his great qualities overshadowed his flaws. To put it simply, I would have liked to look at him just once when he was doing something silly or annoying and say "wow, that's annoying but that's also part of the reason I love him". I would have liked to look at him and thought, " he's so cute" even when he wasn't. I do not want perfect, I guess I just want to feel and know that the imperfections in my partner are part of the reasons why I love him. Does this make any sense?
I also know that looks fade. I have never really been into looks. My daughter's father is not unattractive and my last boyfriend definitely wasn't a supermodel. Attraction for me doesn't work that way...it's just something I can't explain....obviously.
posted by aprilc34 at 10:22 AM on April 25, 2011
I also know that looks fade. I have never really been into looks. My daughter's father is not unattractive and my last boyfriend definitely wasn't a supermodel. Attraction for me doesn't work that way...it's just something I can't explain....obviously.
posted by aprilc34 at 10:22 AM on April 25, 2011
If you're frustrated, it's probably because there isn't an easy answer really. Things morph and change. Right now you seem to be prioritizing someone who you just connect with, who you just love when you see them. Well be careful what you wish for because a few years on and you grow comfortable with that feeling and now you want more out of that guy. Yeah you love him but how about he get a better job making more money? Yeah you love him but here's this other dealbreaker. Yeah you love him but his family hates you and he loves his family. Yeah you love him but he looks at women a little too closely.
Again, figure out what things you can and cannot accept ("he didn't respect that my daughter comes first, me second") and use that knowledge to hang out in, socialize with or otherwise find that person who shares those ideals.
There are an awful lot of people in the world. Good luck! Also don't forget that though you can identify all these things and put yourself in the right places, love might just wait until you give up trying, and then bam, you meet the one you love.
posted by cashman at 12:01 PM on April 25, 2011 [1 favorite]
Again, figure out what things you can and cannot accept ("he didn't respect that my daughter comes first, me second") and use that knowledge to hang out in, socialize with or otherwise find that person who shares those ideals.
There are an awful lot of people in the world. Good luck! Also don't forget that though you can identify all these things and put yourself in the right places, love might just wait until you give up trying, and then bam, you meet the one you love.
posted by cashman at 12:01 PM on April 25, 2011 [1 favorite]
Hi, me!
I'm in the same situation (a single dad, though), but not so much holding out for Ms. Right as I am focusing on enjoying my own company. If Ms. Right comes along, terrific. If not, I'm having a hell of a good time getting to know me and, you know, doing stuff I probably wouldn't be doing if I were in a relationship.
I guess my point is that there's no point in compromising your ideals for the sake of half-happiness, so long as you can accept that the alternative is (blissful, blissful) solitude.
Also: In your position, I asked myself what it meant to "deserve" a happy relationship, and sort of came around to the idea that I'm really not entitled to any such thing. Not that I'm a nasty person or anything; just that it's a question of responsibility (as in, responsibility to live a fulfilling life) rather than entitlement.
I hope this doesn't come across as preachy or new-agey or any such nonsense. To answer your question directly:
No, of course it's not foolish. But hypothetical relationships with hypothetical ideal partners are far, far more interesting if you are capable of feeling you never really needed them in the first place.
?
posted by YamwotIam at 4:27 PM on April 25, 2011 [1 favorite]
I'm in the same situation (a single dad, though), but not so much holding out for Ms. Right as I am focusing on enjoying my own company. If Ms. Right comes along, terrific. If not, I'm having a hell of a good time getting to know me and, you know, doing stuff I probably wouldn't be doing if I were in a relationship.
I guess my point is that there's no point in compromising your ideals for the sake of half-happiness, so long as you can accept that the alternative is (blissful, blissful) solitude.
Also: In your position, I asked myself what it meant to "deserve" a happy relationship, and sort of came around to the idea that I'm really not entitled to any such thing. Not that I'm a nasty person or anything; just that it's a question of responsibility (as in, responsibility to live a fulfilling life) rather than entitlement.
I hope this doesn't come across as preachy or new-agey or any such nonsense. To answer your question directly:
No, of course it's not foolish. But hypothetical relationships with hypothetical ideal partners are far, far more interesting if you are capable of feeling you never really needed them in the first place.
?
posted by YamwotIam at 4:27 PM on April 25, 2011 [1 favorite]
Do your daughter's father a favor and keep looking. I think it's pretty clear that you will feel that you are "settling" and he (and in some ways, your daughter) certainly deserves better than that.
Best of luck in your search for Mr. Right!
posted by screamingnotlaughing at 8:00 PM on April 25, 2011
Best of luck in your search for Mr. Right!
posted by screamingnotlaughing at 8:00 PM on April 25, 2011
This is something I think is really, really important to say.
It's not just about you-but not just in the way other posters are commenting on.
Your daughter is important: not just for temporary seeming stability, but also for the lessons she learns from you about what life is like. The lessons she learns from you about what a partner is, and what she can hope for, will remain with her to some degree for the rest of her life.
If you teach her that the best she can do is settle, by settling yourself, you are not going to be doing her any favors.
If you teach her that she has a right to look for her own happiness by going out and looking for it yourself, you will be helping her even if you don't actually find what you're looking for.
However, I think that relationships are a constant finetuning of what you want and what's important to you. I support the poster earlier who said that you should learn what you are attracted to in a man, before you actually look for them. It's incredibly useful.
One thing that you can do to help with this is to look at fictional characters: it may sound crazy, but it's a little easier to do that without feeling judgemental. You don't have to look at your ex and say "What didn't I like about him", but you can look at some character and say "I didn't like the way he did THIS." Then write a list of the things you like and the things you don't like, and prioritize them. Figure out what you baseline need to make you happy, and look for that.
Good luck!
posted by corb at 4:51 PM on May 1, 2011
It's not just about you-but not just in the way other posters are commenting on.
Your daughter is important: not just for temporary seeming stability, but also for the lessons she learns from you about what life is like. The lessons she learns from you about what a partner is, and what she can hope for, will remain with her to some degree for the rest of her life.
If you teach her that the best she can do is settle, by settling yourself, you are not going to be doing her any favors.
If you teach her that she has a right to look for her own happiness by going out and looking for it yourself, you will be helping her even if you don't actually find what you're looking for.
However, I think that relationships are a constant finetuning of what you want and what's important to you. I support the poster earlier who said that you should learn what you are attracted to in a man, before you actually look for them. It's incredibly useful.
One thing that you can do to help with this is to look at fictional characters: it may sound crazy, but it's a little easier to do that without feeling judgemental. You don't have to look at your ex and say "What didn't I like about him", but you can look at some character and say "I didn't like the way he did THIS." Then write a list of the things you like and the things you don't like, and prioritize them. Figure out what you baseline need to make you happy, and look for that.
Good luck!
posted by corb at 4:51 PM on May 1, 2011
« Older Yeah, So That One Guy Is Blogging About Becoming a... | How can I work on a ship in Europe? Newer »
This thread is closed to new comments.
Wait, I should say more. Everybody has a bunch of drawbacks. The key is finding someone with a mix of a decreasing amount of drawbacks you (A) couldn't care less about (B) don't really bother you most of the time or are manageable (C) things that need to be addressed to have a long-term successful relationship. So to make that clear, they should have a lot of A, less B and even less C.
Oh they'll think a lot of (A) is really problematic, and if things are going well you'll say "Nope, that doesn't bother me a bit, clip your toenails in the living room all you want" And then the two of you will struggle and constantly discuss the (B) items. If things are going right, the (C) items will only come up a few times a year, if even that. And those are the monsters to solve.
Because everybody has a bunch of drawbacks. As the imminent philosopher Calvin Broadus once intimated: "If it aint one thang it's a mutha@#%@in nother". You can't hold out for everything because that doesn't exist in men or women or their relationships with their families or other people.
The trick is to spend increasing amounts of time with the person, to evaluate what items are A's, B's and C's. To go through as many situations as possible to encounter numerous situations where you have a more rounded picture of who this person is, what their behaviors are and how they process events. You'll hear stories of past events, present issues and their ideas for how to address future problems and situations.
But everybody has a bunch of drawbacks. There is no "hold out for everything". Hold out for that person whose issues work for you, and who isn't phased by your issues.
posted by cashman at 6:16 PM on April 24, 2011 [9 favorites]